1 00:00:05,551 --> 00:00:06,456 Good morning, Dwight. 2 00:00:09,137 --> 00:00:11,305 Who are you? 3 00:00:11,307 --> 00:00:12,773 Who am I? 4 00:00:12,775 --> 00:00:14,008 I'm Jim. 5 00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:16,544 We've been working together for 12 years. 6 00:00:16,546 --> 00:00:18,279 Weird joke, Dwight. 7 00:00:18,281 --> 00:00:19,280 You're not Jim. 8 00:00:19,282 --> 00:00:20,681 Jim's not Asian. 9 00:00:20,683 --> 00:00:22,149 You seriously never noticed? 10 00:00:22,151 --> 00:00:25,186 Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race. 11 00:00:27,589 --> 00:00:29,190 All right then, Jim. 12 00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:31,025 Uh, why don't you tell me about that sale 13 00:00:31,027 --> 00:00:33,260 that you made yesterday? 14 00:00:33,262 --> 00:00:34,862 Uh, Wellington Systems? 15 00:00:34,864 --> 00:00:37,098 Sold them ten cases of 24-pound letter stock. 16 00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:38,999 Or were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? 17 00:00:39,001 --> 00:00:40,501 Because I didn't close that one yet, 18 00:00:40,503 --> 00:00:43,404 but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger 19 00:00:43,406 --> 00:00:46,040 waiting for me. 20 00:00:46,042 --> 00:00:48,409 Please enter your password. 21 00:00:53,215 --> 00:00:54,615 You have one new message. 22 00:00:54,617 --> 00:00:55,950 How did you know? 23 00:00:55,952 --> 00:00:57,518 No! No, no. 24 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:58,819 That is sensitive information. 25 00:00:58,821 --> 00:01:00,988 Only for employees, not outsiders! 26 00:01:00,990 --> 00:01:02,556 Dwight, cut it out. I'm trying to work. 27 00:01:02,558 --> 00:01:04,725 You don't work here! You're not Jim! 28 00:01:04,727 --> 00:01:06,827 Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. 29 00:01:06,829 --> 00:01:08,129 - Grico's, 7:30. - Oh, great. 30 00:01:08,131 --> 00:01:10,765 Can't wait. 31 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,368 Jim's at the dentist this morning, 32 00:01:14,370 --> 00:01:16,704 and Steve is an actor friend of ours. 33 00:01:16,706 --> 00:01:18,706 I don't know who you are, 34 00:01:18,708 --> 00:01:20,641 but you are not Jim. 35 00:01:20,643 --> 00:01:23,344 This is Jim! 36 00:01:26,748 --> 00:01:28,716 Oh, my-- 37 00:01:28,718 --> 00:01:31,018 oh, d-- oh, how did-- 38 00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:32,019 [Gasps] 39 00:01:32,021 --> 00:01:35,022 [Cheerful music] 40 00:01:51,387 --> 00:01:53,100 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 41 00:01:54,509 --> 00:01:57,011 Hey, study buddies! 44 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,717 It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. 45 00:02:03,719 --> 00:02:04,935 Life hacking, baby. 46 00:02:04,937 --> 00:02:06,804 This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. 47 00:02:06,806 --> 00:02:08,639 Saved myself 90 seconds. 48 00:02:08,641 --> 00:02:10,224 Which I just used to explain this to you. 49 00:02:10,226 --> 00:02:11,559 Damn it. 50 00:02:11,561 --> 00:02:14,812 Since Andy promoted me to Assistant Regional Manager, 51 00:02:14,814 --> 00:02:16,146 I've been trying to step my game up. 52 00:02:16,148 --> 00:02:17,931 You know, be more productive. 53 00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,266 In fact, you know what? 54 00:02:19,268 --> 00:02:20,651 Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites 55 00:02:20,653 --> 00:02:23,153 while we're here. 56 00:02:23,155 --> 00:02:25,656 Whoa. That person has really 57 00:02:25,658 --> 00:02:29,743 gotten him-- or herself-- into quite a predicament. 58 00:02:29,745 --> 00:02:32,296 S'il vous plait... 59 00:02:32,298 --> 00:02:35,249 Dites-moi... 60 00:02:35,251 --> 00:02:38,335 [Nonsensical mispronounced French] 61 00:02:38,337 --> 00:02:40,621 Ah, French. 62 00:02:40,623 --> 00:02:42,473 It's a great language. 63 00:02:42,475 --> 00:02:45,009 If you're a chain-smoking acrobat. 64 00:02:45,011 --> 00:02:47,511 I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. 65 00:02:47,513 --> 00:02:49,597 They all speak more than one language. 66 00:02:49,599 --> 00:02:51,181 Usually when I'm there. 67 00:02:51,183 --> 00:02:53,150 You want to learn a really impressive second language? 68 00:02:53,152 --> 00:02:54,401 Try Dothraki. 69 00:02:54,403 --> 00:02:55,853 Win over any man in my guild. 70 00:02:55,855 --> 00:02:57,988 Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic, 71 00:02:57,990 --> 00:03:00,774 war-mongering horse lords of Essos, as featured 72 00:03:00,776 --> 00:03:04,278 in the superb Home Box Office series Game of Thrones. 73 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,913 It has a lot of nudity. 74 00:03:05,915 --> 00:03:09,333 Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads. 75 00:03:09,335 --> 00:03:11,502 I could teach you if you want, it's a lot easier than French. 76 00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:12,620 Yeah. Let's do it. 77 00:03:12,622 --> 00:03:14,371 - Athdavrazar! - Oh-- 78 00:03:14,373 --> 00:03:15,839 It means "excellent." 79 00:03:15,841 --> 00:03:16,840 And we have begun. 80 00:03:16,842 --> 00:03:20,628 [Tapping on desk] 81 00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:21,662 Is everything okay? 82 00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:22,996 Hmm? 83 00:03:22,998 --> 00:03:24,298 Oh-- oh, yeah. 84 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,883 Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. 85 00:03:25,885 --> 00:03:27,668 Fine, fine, fine. 86 00:03:27,670 --> 00:03:29,887 I mean, I d-- I just don't want to burden you 87 00:03:29,889 --> 00:03:31,805 with my massive stress freak-outs. 88 00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:33,223 Great. 89 00:03:33,225 --> 00:03:35,976 It's just that I am taking my driver's license test 90 00:03:35,978 --> 00:03:38,362 in two days, and I need to practice 91 00:03:38,364 --> 00:03:39,947 with an experienced driver in the car. 92 00:03:39,949 --> 00:03:41,732 But I've had no time to do that, 93 00:03:41,734 --> 00:03:44,985 thanks to "Demandy." 94 00:03:44,987 --> 00:03:47,688 I just want to hit the open road 95 00:03:47,690 --> 00:03:51,024 and drive, man. But... 96 00:03:51,026 --> 00:03:52,209 in whose car? 97 00:03:52,211 --> 00:03:54,411 Nellie! 98 00:03:54,413 --> 00:03:57,331 Get your wrinkly old balls in here. 99 00:03:57,333 --> 00:04:01,669 [Sighs] 100 00:04:01,671 --> 00:04:04,805 Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime. 101 00:04:04,807 --> 00:04:06,039 Oh, Pam, thank you. 102 00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:08,459 You are my savior. 103 00:04:08,461 --> 00:04:09,876 [Giggling] 104 00:04:09,878 --> 00:04:11,895 - Oh, my God-- - Ohh-- 105 00:04:11,897 --> 00:04:13,564 [Giggling] 106 00:04:13,566 --> 00:04:15,349 I'm sorry I'm leaving you alone for lunch. 107 00:04:15,351 --> 00:04:17,518 Don't worry about it. 108 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,521 I have a thing. 109 00:04:20,523 --> 00:04:22,356 A thing of soup. 110 00:04:22,358 --> 00:04:26,777 Which I've been wanting to try. 111 00:04:26,779 --> 00:04:29,062 This is my research 112 00:04:29,064 --> 00:04:31,398 into how we might produce child-proof paper 113 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,584 that doesn't give you paper cuts. 114 00:04:33,586 --> 00:04:34,752 We can't. 115 00:04:34,754 --> 00:04:38,539 And here is a printout of your genealogy 116 00:04:38,541 --> 00:04:40,090 from thisisyourfamilytree.com. 117 00:04:40,092 --> 00:04:42,209 Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights. 118 00:04:42,211 --> 00:04:43,744 Well, it turns out 119 00:04:43,746 --> 00:04:46,630 you are a distant blood relative 120 00:04:46,632 --> 00:04:49,717 of Michelle Obama. 121 00:04:49,719 --> 00:04:50,851 - As in-- - Wife of Barack, 122 00:04:50,853 --> 00:04:54,054 loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children. 123 00:04:54,056 --> 00:04:55,973 [Mouthing silently] Wow. 124 00:04:55,975 --> 00:04:58,392 This is super-flattering. 125 00:04:58,394 --> 00:05:02,479 She's the most popular person in America. 126 00:05:02,481 --> 00:05:04,715 This is a big day for both of us. 127 00:05:04,717 --> 00:05:06,400 My fellow Americans, 128 00:05:06,402 --> 00:05:08,318 I have a feeling my approval rating 129 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,771 is about to go through the roof. 130 00:05:10,773 --> 00:05:16,109 Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama. 131 00:05:16,111 --> 00:05:18,212 I was intimidated by Andy's family before. 132 00:05:18,214 --> 00:05:21,165 And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? 133 00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:22,299 She's gonna be like, 134 00:05:22,301 --> 00:05:23,801 "what's your stance on politics?" 135 00:05:23,803 --> 00:05:26,253 Or, "what is the best war to do?" 136 00:05:26,255 --> 00:05:28,555 And I will just be like, 137 00:05:28,557 --> 00:05:30,174 "duh--" 138 00:05:30,176 --> 00:05:31,308 All right! 139 00:05:31,310 --> 00:05:33,727 We gotta get rid of all this junk food. 140 00:05:33,729 --> 00:05:35,345 Get fit, America! 141 00:05:35,347 --> 00:05:38,932 Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but, uh, 142 00:05:38,934 --> 00:05:42,319 I'm related to Michelle Obama. 143 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,473 Yeah, we noticed early on 144 00:05:46,475 --> 00:05:48,442 Andy really appreciates enthusiasm. 145 00:05:48,444 --> 00:05:50,244 So we decided the best way to get ahead here 146 00:05:50,246 --> 00:05:51,528 is to be his cheerleaders. 147 00:05:51,530 --> 00:05:54,031 Ohh! 148 00:06:01,372 --> 00:06:03,207 It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, 149 00:06:03,209 --> 00:06:05,959 where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome. 150 00:06:05,961 --> 00:06:07,511 Yeah, me too. It's weird. 151 00:06:07,513 --> 00:06:09,296 Hard to remember what's real at this point. 152 00:06:09,298 --> 00:06:11,965 Just clap through it, man. 153 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:14,885 You're logging sales at ten different times. 154 00:06:14,887 --> 00:06:17,771 If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. 155 00:06:17,773 --> 00:06:18,772 It's called batching. 156 00:06:18,774 --> 00:06:19,890 This is really good, Darryl. 157 00:06:19,892 --> 00:06:21,442 Life hacking, man. 158 00:06:21,444 --> 00:06:22,643 There he is! 159 00:06:22,645 --> 00:06:23,677 Andy, you gotta check this out. He just-- 160 00:06:23,679 --> 00:06:25,112 [Shushing syllables] 161 00:06:25,114 --> 00:06:28,065 Right now I need canned tuna, okay? 162 00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:30,951 Darryl, guess which talented individual 163 00:06:30,953 --> 00:06:33,120 who also has a killer singing voice 164 00:06:33,122 --> 00:06:35,289 is related to the First Lady. 165 00:06:35,291 --> 00:06:37,157 Tracee Ellis Ross. 166 00:06:37,159 --> 00:06:40,961 Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross. 167 00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:41,995 It's me! [Chuckling] 168 00:06:41,997 --> 00:06:43,464 I'm related to Michelle Obama. 169 00:06:43,466 --> 00:06:45,165 What? Really? 170 00:06:45,167 --> 00:06:47,134 I mean, it's distant, but-- 171 00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:49,736 [Chuckles] That's cool, man. 172 00:06:49,738 --> 00:06:50,971 Right? 173 00:06:50,973 --> 00:06:53,874 Darryl said, "cool, man." 174 00:06:53,876 --> 00:06:56,209 He called me a cool man. 175 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,565 You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over 176 00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:03,150 and just take ten minutes to eat. 177 00:07:03,152 --> 00:07:05,486 Mm-- the thing is, Pam, 178 00:07:05,488 --> 00:07:07,237 I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, 179 00:07:07,239 --> 00:07:08,689 so I might as well get good at it. 180 00:07:08,691 --> 00:07:11,191 Brake lights. Brake lights, brake lights, brake lights! 181 00:07:11,193 --> 00:07:13,026 [Tires squealing] Whoo! 182 00:07:13,028 --> 00:07:15,529 I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country 183 00:07:15,531 --> 00:07:18,198 when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person? 184 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,834 You think that Andy's family owned slaves? 185 00:07:20,836 --> 00:07:23,236 Well, somebody owned somebody. 186 00:07:23,238 --> 00:07:26,840 And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy. 187 00:07:26,842 --> 00:07:27,925 I throat-rip. 188 00:07:27,927 --> 00:07:29,293 Foth aggendak. 189 00:07:29,295 --> 00:07:30,511 You throat-rip. 190 00:07:30,513 --> 00:07:31,745 Foth aggendi. 191 00:07:31,747 --> 00:07:33,297 He-she-it throat-rips. 192 00:07:33,299 --> 00:07:34,348 Foth aggenda. 193 00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:35,582 More of a barbaric growl. 194 00:07:35,584 --> 00:07:37,017 [Growling] Foth aggenda. 195 00:07:37,019 --> 00:07:38,969 Louder. You're shouting it from the back of a horse. 196 00:07:38,971 --> 00:07:40,721 Foth aggenda! 197 00:07:40,723 --> 00:07:43,557 Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh? 198 00:07:43,559 --> 00:07:45,859 [Laughing] Yeah. 199 00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:48,645 It's almost unbelievable. 200 00:07:48,647 --> 00:07:49,696 What? 201 00:07:49,698 --> 00:07:51,365 Well, do you know how Andy has been 202 00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:54,267 really salting my onions lately? 203 00:07:54,269 --> 00:07:55,536 Sure. 204 00:07:55,538 --> 00:07:57,704 Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, 205 00:07:57,706 --> 00:07:59,706 I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama 206 00:07:59,708 --> 00:08:02,159 having white relatives, and I just knew 207 00:08:02,161 --> 00:08:04,611 he would eat that up. 208 00:08:04,613 --> 00:08:07,047 So he's not related to Michelle Obama? 209 00:08:07,049 --> 00:08:08,415 Pam, 210 00:08:08,417 --> 00:08:13,387 I barely know how to turn on my computer. 211 00:08:13,389 --> 00:08:15,639 Nellie's pretty fearless. 212 00:08:15,641 --> 00:08:19,476 And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun. 213 00:08:19,478 --> 00:08:20,811 [Whispering] Pam! 214 00:08:24,465 --> 00:08:25,983 Well, if there's another explanation, 215 00:08:25,985 --> 00:08:28,518 I don't really see what it could possibly be. 216 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:29,903 I-- 217 00:08:29,905 --> 00:08:31,905 What's going on here? 218 00:08:31,907 --> 00:08:33,991 I'm related to the First Lady, okay? 219 00:08:33,993 --> 00:08:35,776 Get over it. 220 00:08:35,778 --> 00:08:37,945 I still need weekly status reports from most of you. 221 00:08:37,947 --> 00:08:41,031 So can we get back to work, please? 222 00:08:41,033 --> 00:08:42,199 Get back to work. 223 00:08:42,201 --> 00:08:45,502 [Mimicking whip-cracking] 224 00:08:45,504 --> 00:08:46,870 Andy-- [Mimics whip-cracking] 225 00:08:46,872 --> 00:08:47,921 Andy, no! 226 00:08:47,923 --> 00:08:49,823 I would be very polite today. 227 00:08:49,825 --> 00:08:51,491 Why, is it employees' day or something? 228 00:08:51,493 --> 00:08:53,594 I cannot keep track of these BS holidays. 229 00:08:53,596 --> 00:08:55,495 Your connection to Michelle Obama 230 00:08:55,497 --> 00:08:58,999 has certain negative connotations. 231 00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:01,501 Most likely, your family were... 232 00:09:01,503 --> 00:09:03,687 slave owners. 233 00:09:03,689 --> 00:09:05,222 Does anyone else think it's possible 234 00:09:05,224 --> 00:09:08,275 that I come from slave owners? 235 00:09:11,646 --> 00:09:14,147 Whoa. That person has really 236 00:09:14,149 --> 00:09:16,700 gotten him-- or herself-- into quite a predicament. 237 00:09:19,002 --> 00:09:21,352 Hey, mom, it's Andy. Give me a call 238 00:09:21,354 --> 00:09:22,787 when you get a chance. Got a quick question for you. 239 00:09:22,789 --> 00:09:24,506 Uh, no big deal, just about America's national shame. 240 00:09:24,508 --> 00:09:27,625 Thanks, bye. 241 00:09:27,627 --> 00:09:28,793 Where were we? 242 00:09:28,795 --> 00:09:30,178 Uh-- yes, okay. 243 00:09:30,180 --> 00:09:32,347 Your... productivity thing. 244 00:09:32,349 --> 00:09:33,915 Yes, yes, yes. 245 00:09:33,917 --> 00:09:34,933 Great. 246 00:09:34,935 --> 00:09:37,252 Ooh, spreadsheets. Yum, yum. 247 00:09:37,254 --> 00:09:38,319 I included some time-saving ideas. 248 00:09:38,321 --> 00:09:39,404 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. 249 00:09:39,406 --> 00:09:40,488 Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. 250 00:09:40,490 --> 00:09:42,824 I'm a teensy bit distracted right now. 251 00:09:42,826 --> 00:09:44,859 Look, Andy, even if your ancestors 252 00:09:44,861 --> 00:09:47,779 did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. 253 00:09:47,781 --> 00:09:50,915 This is only weird if you make it weird. 254 00:09:50,917 --> 00:09:52,750 Right on, brother. 255 00:09:52,752 --> 00:09:53,751 Word dat. 256 00:09:53,753 --> 00:09:54,919 Mm-- 257 00:09:54,921 --> 00:09:58,790 - Ador! - Daras. 258 00:09:58,792 --> 00:09:59,924 Qazer! 259 00:09:59,926 --> 00:10:01,509 Daras. 260 00:10:01,511 --> 00:10:03,795 Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk? 261 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,001 Hey, Erin. 262 00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:11,553 Atchomar chomakaan! 263 00:10:11,555 --> 00:10:13,605 Oh-- okay. 264 00:10:13,607 --> 00:10:15,640 Sorry. 265 00:10:15,642 --> 00:10:17,508 Oh, still, it must be great to have something else going on 266 00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:18,893 outside of work. 267 00:10:18,895 --> 00:10:20,695 Yeah-- turn signal. 268 00:10:20,697 --> 00:10:22,196 It's exciting to be painting again-- 269 00:10:22,198 --> 00:10:23,231 those are the wipers. 270 00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:25,199 So the-- it's just-- 271 00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,317 there you go. Yeah. 272 00:10:26,319 --> 00:10:27,685 [Chuckling] 273 00:10:27,687 --> 00:10:29,370 Yeah, things get so busy with the kids-- 274 00:10:29,372 --> 00:10:31,873 red light-- that it's nice to have that creative outlet-- 275 00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:33,207 red light, red light, red, red-- 276 00:10:33,209 --> 00:10:34,576 [Tires screeching] 277 00:10:36,629 --> 00:10:38,630 That is brilliant, Pam. 278 00:10:38,632 --> 00:10:40,164 I'd love to see some of your work. 279 00:10:40,166 --> 00:10:41,833 Well, since we're stopped at a light... 280 00:10:41,835 --> 00:10:45,303 uh, here is... 281 00:10:45,305 --> 00:10:48,306 the mural I did for Angela's baby. 282 00:10:48,308 --> 00:10:51,042 That is amazing, Pam. 283 00:10:51,044 --> 00:10:54,395 Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo. 284 00:10:54,397 --> 00:10:59,050 Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed. 285 00:10:59,052 --> 00:11:03,404 Hey, has anyone turned in their status reports up here? 286 00:11:03,406 --> 00:11:05,823 Vos. 287 00:11:05,825 --> 00:11:08,559 So no? 288 00:11:08,561 --> 00:11:10,244 Do you think maybe you could remind people? 289 00:11:10,246 --> 00:11:12,497 I'm trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today. 290 00:11:12,499 --> 00:11:13,531 Because of your slaves. 291 00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:17,035 Not my slaves, my ancestors'. 292 00:11:17,037 --> 00:11:19,570 Maybe. Probably not. 293 00:11:19,572 --> 00:11:21,506 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 294 00:11:21,508 --> 00:11:23,741 the Dothraki word for "slave master," 295 00:11:23,743 --> 00:11:28,012 azzafrok, is a term of respect. 296 00:11:28,014 --> 00:11:30,014 I'm learning how to speak Dothraki. 297 00:11:30,016 --> 00:11:31,248 Color you impressed? 298 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:33,051 - That you're learning a made-up language 299 00:11:33,053 --> 00:11:35,470 from HBO's Game of Thrones? 300 00:11:35,472 --> 00:11:38,940 I have a lot going on today, 301 00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:42,927 but this was a great nerd-out. 302 00:11:42,929 --> 00:11:43,978 Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me 303 00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:45,313 a fake language. 304 00:11:45,315 --> 00:11:47,065 People laughed at Klingon at first, 305 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:50,818 and now you can major in it. 306 00:11:53,105 --> 00:11:54,105 Hi, guys. 307 00:11:54,107 --> 00:11:56,290 Hey, boss. I am so thirsty, 308 00:11:56,292 --> 00:11:58,376 can I have a scoop of water? 309 00:11:58,378 --> 00:12:00,495 Yeah. You don't have to ask me-- 310 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:03,948 [Stifled laughter] 311 00:12:03,950 --> 00:12:05,466 Ha ha. Okay, great. 312 00:12:05,468 --> 00:12:06,634 Very funny. I get it. 313 00:12:06,636 --> 00:12:08,469 Just because my ancestors happened to be-- 314 00:12:08,471 --> 00:12:10,888 [Cell phone ringtone playing Dixie] 315 00:12:17,396 --> 00:12:19,180 Very funny, Kevin changed my ringtone. 316 00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:20,464 Very funny. 317 00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:22,934 I liked the original song on my ringtone. 318 00:12:22,936 --> 00:12:24,569 Which, you may remember, 319 00:12:24,571 --> 00:12:26,821 was Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon, 320 00:12:26,823 --> 00:12:28,472 featuring, 321 00:12:28,474 --> 00:12:32,977 Ladysmith African-American Mombazo. 322 00:12:34,913 --> 00:12:38,916 Good. Very good. [Cell phone beeping] 323 00:12:38,918 --> 00:12:41,502 Oh-- no. 324 00:12:41,504 --> 00:12:43,654 Here, it's, uh, a text from Andy. 325 00:12:43,656 --> 00:12:47,041 "New special proj. Need fam. Tree for evbody. 326 00:12:47,043 --> 00:12:49,677 "Really dig up dirt. ASAP." 327 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:50,762 And then in parentheses 328 00:12:50,764 --> 00:12:52,263 he wrote out, "as soon as possible." 329 00:12:52,265 --> 00:12:53,431 Mm. 330 00:12:53,433 --> 00:12:57,702 Ugh, looks like it's pretendy time again. 331 00:12:57,704 --> 00:12:59,270 Write back, 332 00:12:59,272 --> 00:13:01,155 "looking for dirt." 333 00:13:01,157 --> 00:13:02,957 Oh, can I help? 334 00:13:02,959 --> 00:13:05,609 We could say someone is related to, um, 335 00:13:05,611 --> 00:13:07,662 Tonya Harding. 336 00:13:07,664 --> 00:13:10,948 Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding. 337 00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:12,050 Oh-- gee, I'm-- 338 00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:15,136 No, I'm just practicing my lying. 339 00:13:15,138 --> 00:13:17,288 - I love it. - Brilliant. 340 00:13:17,290 --> 00:13:19,424 What should we say about Jim? 341 00:13:19,426 --> 00:13:22,727 Um, oh-- uh, say he's related to Richard Nixon. 342 00:13:22,729 --> 00:13:23,845 It's an inside joke. 343 00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:25,730 He looks really Nixony when he wakes up. 344 00:13:25,732 --> 00:13:27,899 My ex behaved like Nixon. 345 00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:32,186 All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma. 346 00:13:32,188 --> 00:13:34,305 I just made a joke then. 347 00:13:34,307 --> 00:13:35,406 I'm sorry. 348 00:13:35,408 --> 00:13:36,991 It's just, um-- 349 00:13:36,993 --> 00:13:38,509 I actually do have this weird feeling 350 00:13:38,511 --> 00:13:40,144 that there's something Jim isn't telling me. 351 00:13:40,146 --> 00:13:42,029 Oh, no. 352 00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:43,564 Ugh, an affair. 353 00:13:43,566 --> 00:13:45,817 It is always an affair. 354 00:13:45,819 --> 00:13:47,652 Jim? No. 355 00:13:47,654 --> 00:13:49,787 [Sighing] How can you be sure? 356 00:13:49,789 --> 00:13:53,741 Because he just loves me too much. 357 00:13:53,743 --> 00:13:56,961 You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam? 358 00:13:56,963 --> 00:14:00,998 I have done a little genealogy research of my own. 359 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,668 Turns out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons 360 00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,803 in the ol' family closet. 361 00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:08,372 For example, 362 00:14:08,374 --> 00:14:10,007 Phyllis' great-great-grandmother 363 00:14:10,009 --> 00:14:13,311 was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States. 364 00:14:13,313 --> 00:14:14,395 Ew. 365 00:14:14,397 --> 00:14:17,181 Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy 366 00:14:17,183 --> 00:14:18,850 and John Wayne Bobbitt. 367 00:14:18,852 --> 00:14:21,319 And John Wayne? 368 00:14:21,321 --> 00:14:22,820 No. Not that I see here. 369 00:14:22,822 --> 00:14:25,606 Wayne Johnson? The Rock? 370 00:14:25,608 --> 00:14:28,693 You mean Dwayne, and no. 371 00:14:28,695 --> 00:14:30,528 What about Jim Halpert? Uh-oh. 372 00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:33,397 Turns out, distant relative of the reviled 373 00:14:33,399 --> 00:14:35,283 Richard Nixon. 374 00:14:35,285 --> 00:14:37,368 Pam always says I look like Nixon. 375 00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:39,170 That's crazy, right? 376 00:14:39,172 --> 00:14:41,756 I mean, there's nothing there. 377 00:14:41,758 --> 00:14:46,577 Tru-- 378 00:14:46,579 --> 00:14:48,996 Oh, no. 379 00:14:48,998 --> 00:14:50,097 Dwight's grandfather-- 380 00:14:50,099 --> 00:14:51,883 Was a member of the Bund, 381 00:14:51,885 --> 00:14:53,935 which is not technically the same thing 382 00:14:53,937 --> 00:14:54,969 as the Nazi party. 383 00:14:54,971 --> 00:14:57,638 So-- [Clears throat] 384 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,774 I was gonna say he was a tax evader. 385 00:14:59,776 --> 00:15:01,776 Oh. 386 00:15:01,778 --> 00:15:03,861 I was joking about that whole Bund thing. 387 00:15:03,863 --> 00:15:05,696 Oh-ho, the look on your faces. 388 00:15:05,698 --> 00:15:08,950 [Laughing] 389 00:15:08,952 --> 00:15:10,401 And Meredith is a blood relative 390 00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:11,485 of Lizzie Borden. 391 00:15:11,487 --> 00:15:12,620 Cool. 392 00:15:12,622 --> 00:15:13,871 [Mimipsycho stabbing sound effect] 393 00:15:13,873 --> 00:15:14,939 Stop it! Stop it, you're frightening me. 394 00:15:14,941 --> 00:15:16,707 Andy, did you call this meeting 395 00:15:16,709 --> 00:15:19,043 just to talk junk about our families? 396 00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:21,111 Yeah, that-- you're being really mean. 397 00:15:21,113 --> 00:15:23,447 No, I'm proving a point, okay? 398 00:15:23,449 --> 00:15:25,115 We all have ancestors who may have 399 00:15:25,117 --> 00:15:27,284 done horrible things in the past. 400 00:15:27,286 --> 00:15:29,720 But it's in the past, and it's not our fault. 401 00:15:29,722 --> 00:15:31,622 So we don't have to talk about it. 402 00:15:31,624 --> 00:15:33,975 The difference is, Andy, that you're the only one here 403 00:15:33,977 --> 00:15:36,811 still benefitting from the terrible things 404 00:15:36,813 --> 00:15:37,962 your ancestors did. 405 00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:40,765 Might have done, and how do you figure? 406 00:15:40,767 --> 00:15:42,433 Your family's rich. 407 00:15:42,435 --> 00:15:43,818 I have to believe that a big part 408 00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:46,470 of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves. 409 00:15:46,472 --> 00:15:47,605 You know, there's nothing wrong 410 00:15:47,607 --> 00:15:49,306 with being successful in America, Oscar. 411 00:15:49,308 --> 00:15:51,692 I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. 412 00:15:51,694 --> 00:15:55,145 That wealth could one day benefit society, 413 00:15:55,147 --> 00:15:57,131 if capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate 414 00:15:57,133 --> 00:15:58,182 as earned income. 415 00:15:58,184 --> 00:15:59,166 [Cell phone ringing Dixie] 416 00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:01,836 Okay, Kevin did that. 417 00:16:01,838 --> 00:16:04,505 I do not wish I was in Dixie. 418 00:16:04,507 --> 00:16:05,756 Hey, mom. How are you? 419 00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:08,676 Did any Bernards ever own 420 00:16:08,678 --> 00:16:12,013 a plantation in the South? 421 00:16:12,015 --> 00:16:13,598 She said no. Take that! 422 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,900 Follow-up question, did any Bernards 423 00:16:15,902 --> 00:16:18,936 ever make money in an unsavory way? 424 00:16:23,859 --> 00:16:25,076 [Quietly] I just asked you-- 425 00:16:25,078 --> 00:16:26,994 why didn't you used to say that? 426 00:16:26,996 --> 00:16:28,696 Okay, stop, stop. 427 00:16:28,698 --> 00:16:29,947 Stop talking. Stop talking. 428 00:16:29,949 --> 00:16:32,950 That's-- no. I don't want to know that. 429 00:16:32,952 --> 00:16:34,335 Okay, you're interrupting a meeting. 430 00:16:34,337 --> 00:16:35,369 I have to go. 431 00:16:35,371 --> 00:16:38,122 Love you. Bye. 432 00:16:38,124 --> 00:16:41,509 Well, turns out the Bernards of yore did not own slaves. 433 00:16:41,511 --> 00:16:42,760 Really. 434 00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:44,345 We merely transported them. 435 00:16:44,347 --> 00:16:48,182 Which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen. 436 00:16:52,737 --> 00:16:54,918 Yo, D-Dog. I need your help. 437 00:16:57,621 --> 00:16:58,955 I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it 438 00:16:58,957 --> 00:17:00,456 sound like I had a sore difficult childhood 439 00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:01,557 than I actually had. 440 00:17:01,559 --> 00:17:02,926 - You gonna po' mouth. - Exactly. 441 00:17:02,928 --> 00:17:04,143 Help me po' mouth, Darryl. 442 00:17:04,145 --> 00:17:06,596 Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes 443 00:17:06,598 --> 00:17:08,097 to talk about productivity suggestions-- 444 00:17:08,099 --> 00:17:10,483 What if I said that my dad beat me, 445 00:17:10,485 --> 00:17:12,936 and I just left out the croquet of it all? 446 00:17:12,938 --> 00:17:15,321 Or, I could just go all the way 447 00:17:15,323 --> 00:17:16,873 and say I grew up in an apartment. 448 00:17:16,875 --> 00:17:18,608 Or is that too crazy? 449 00:17:18,610 --> 00:17:20,560 That could work. 450 00:17:20,562 --> 00:17:22,278 You know, Darryl, this is 451 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,747 textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, 452 00:17:24,749 --> 00:17:27,583 and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. 453 00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:29,986 I'm coming up with all the ideas here. 454 00:17:29,988 --> 00:17:32,005 I'm going for a walk. 455 00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:34,040 Okay. 456 00:17:39,463 --> 00:17:41,130 Good... 457 00:17:41,132 --> 00:17:42,265 Good, and-- 458 00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:44,434 [Thuds] 459 00:17:54,862 --> 00:17:56,396 You doing all right, man? 460 00:17:56,398 --> 00:17:58,731 I'm done. 461 00:17:58,733 --> 00:18:00,867 I gotta get out of here. 462 00:18:00,869 --> 00:18:02,368 Yeah. 463 00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:05,321 Not the easiest day to be Assistant Regional Manager. 464 00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:08,124 It's not just today, it's every day. 465 00:18:08,126 --> 00:18:10,043 Seems like the better title I have, 466 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,861 the stupider my job gets. 467 00:18:11,863 --> 00:18:15,381 Aw, come on, it can always get better, right? 468 00:18:15,383 --> 00:18:18,251 Hmm. Yeah, right. 469 00:18:18,253 --> 00:18:19,335 No, I'm serious. 470 00:18:19,337 --> 00:18:21,838 There's always something better. 471 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,056 Like what? 472 00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:25,925 Like, hypothetically, 473 00:18:25,927 --> 00:18:29,095 if I said that there was another job 474 00:18:29,097 --> 00:18:31,547 that you and I could both have. 475 00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:33,382 What kind of job? 476 00:18:33,384 --> 00:18:38,688 Something cool, like sports marketing, or-- 477 00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:40,189 does that sound like something you'd be into? 478 00:18:40,191 --> 00:18:41,357 - Hell yeah. - Right? 479 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:42,408 That sounds awesome. 480 00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:43,526 Okay, but wait. What if I told you 481 00:18:43,528 --> 00:18:44,577 that it was in Philly? 482 00:18:44,579 --> 00:18:46,279 - So you'd have to-- - I love Philly. 483 00:18:46,281 --> 00:18:47,663 Right? 484 00:18:47,665 --> 00:18:49,532 - It's not even a thought-- - Not even a thought. 485 00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:53,286 It's not even that far away, I could still commute-- exactly. 486 00:18:53,288 --> 00:18:54,954 Exactly. 487 00:18:54,956 --> 00:18:56,906 All right. 488 00:18:56,908 --> 00:18:58,007 What? Wait, wait, wait. 489 00:18:58,009 --> 00:18:59,675 So what, is this happening? 490 00:18:59,677 --> 00:19:01,511 Oh, it's happening. 491 00:19:01,513 --> 00:19:02,845 Let's just keep it between you and me 492 00:19:02,847 --> 00:19:04,130 - for right now, all right? - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 493 00:19:04,132 --> 00:19:05,414 For sure, for sure, for sure. 494 00:19:05,416 --> 00:19:08,301 Man. And Pam's into it? 495 00:19:08,303 --> 00:19:09,552 We gotta have a talk about it, 496 00:19:09,554 --> 00:19:10,937 but I think that she's-- 497 00:19:10,939 --> 00:19:12,105 I think she understands... 498 00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:13,439 - Aw, come on, man. - ...what this is. 499 00:19:13,441 --> 00:19:14,807 I thought you had something real. 500 00:19:14,809 --> 00:19:15,892 What? No, no, no. 501 00:19:15,894 --> 00:19:17,193 Come on. This is real. 502 00:19:17,195 --> 00:19:19,428 It's not real 503 00:19:19,430 --> 00:19:23,483 until your wife is on board. 504 00:19:24,785 --> 00:19:26,602 So what did you want to show me? 505 00:19:26,604 --> 00:19:29,705 That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it? 506 00:19:29,707 --> 00:19:31,774 Yeah. It's really ugly. 507 00:19:31,776 --> 00:19:33,576 Needs something, doesn't it? 508 00:19:33,578 --> 00:19:34,794 I'm thinking, 509 00:19:34,796 --> 00:19:37,797 a mural. 510 00:19:37,799 --> 00:19:38,831 You mean me? 511 00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:39,832 Yes, you. 512 00:19:39,834 --> 00:19:42,668 You are so talented. 513 00:19:42,670 --> 00:19:44,504 It's going to be my next special project. 514 00:19:44,506 --> 00:19:47,090 Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist 515 00:19:47,092 --> 00:19:49,092 to paint the warehouse wall. 516 00:19:49,094 --> 00:19:50,560 Oh, my God, I love it! 517 00:19:50,562 --> 00:19:51,978 Uh-- I-- Nellie, 518 00:19:51,980 --> 00:19:53,729 this is brilliant! 519 00:19:53,731 --> 00:19:54,847 - Hey! - Hey. 520 00:19:54,849 --> 00:19:56,732 Can I talk to you for a second? 521 00:19:56,734 --> 00:20:00,103 Anything you have to say to her, 522 00:20:00,105 --> 00:20:01,137 you can say to me. 523 00:20:01,139 --> 00:20:02,188 She never loved you. 524 00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,940 What? No, I-- I got this. 525 00:20:03,942 --> 00:20:05,141 [Giggling] Okay. 526 00:20:05,143 --> 00:20:06,308 [Quietly] Okay. This is his fault. 527 00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:07,860 It is not your fault. 528 00:20:07,862 --> 00:20:11,497 I am gonna find you someone better, and rich. 529 00:20:11,499 --> 00:20:13,449 And Filipino. 530 00:20:13,451 --> 00:20:17,420 But we'll break that to her later. 531 00:20:17,422 --> 00:20:19,205 You know what this is all about? 532 00:20:19,207 --> 00:20:20,923 Yeah. 533 00:20:20,925 --> 00:20:21,991 You too, huh? 534 00:20:21,993 --> 00:20:25,494 Yeah. 535 00:20:25,496 --> 00:20:28,598 Go on, spill it. 536 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:32,435 Tell her all the gory details, you snake. 537 00:20:32,437 --> 00:20:33,769 Hey. 538 00:20:33,771 --> 00:20:35,454 He deserves this. 539 00:20:35,456 --> 00:20:39,308 And he said I could get in on it too. 540 00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:42,145 [Whispering] Yeah. 541 00:20:42,147 --> 00:20:44,897 Oh, Pam, no. 542 00:20:44,899 --> 00:20:46,782 Oh, I can't bear to watch this. 543 00:20:46,784 --> 00:20:48,951 I don't know what I was so worried about. 544 00:20:48,953 --> 00:20:52,622 I have the best wife in the world. 545 00:20:52,624 --> 00:20:55,641 I still can't believe he didn't tell me. 546 00:21:04,745 --> 00:21:05,961 I was helping Nellie drive-- 547 00:21:05,963 --> 00:21:08,798 Do not care. 548 00:21:13,370 --> 00:21:15,671 Fonas chek! 549 00:21:15,673 --> 00:21:18,307 Dothras chek! 550 00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:21,644 [Giggles] 551 00:21:21,646 --> 00:21:23,712 I like that guy. 552 00:21:23,714 --> 00:21:25,765 We should hook him up with Meredith. 553 00:21:25,767 --> 00:21:26,682 Hmm-- 554 00:21:31,102 --> 00:21:35,615 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com