Okay, boys, we've got a really large group today, so please stay together.
Oh, Steve, thank goodness.
I need you to help me lead these kids down The Rock Eagle Trail.
I'm having a hard time keeping up with them myself.
I wish that I could, but I'm busy.
Doing what?
Updating my status.
"Had a hot dog for lunch.
Any spicy mustard fans out there?"
Uh... Lucas, no!
Stay with the group.
Come on, Steve, I really need some help here.
This light is perfect.
And, I need a new profile photo.
Here, take it for me.
Please stay with the group.
Loving my hair today.
Ugh. Steve, do you ever think about anybody but yourself?
You are the most self-centered man on the planet.
Go on. What else about Steve do you find fascinating?
Ugh. Not only do I not find you fascinating,
but I doubt there is a single woman alive that would.
For your information, Denzel and I are doing speed dating tonight.
- I bet I'll score. - There is no way that you're...
Oh, God!
Come on, kids. Up into the ferris wheel.
There's room for everybody.
Hey! It happened to me, and I turned out all right.
So the North Koreans grabbed me, and smuggled me across the border.
I had to spend nine months in a hard labor camp,
while former President Carter negotiated my...
I'm sorry, did you say something?
I was just making a list of people who could play me in a movie.
I'm a... Kind of a cross between Clooney and Pitt.
You might say I'm a "Clitt."
So...
Are we gonna get it on, or what?
- Denzel. - What's with these women?
Man, you the problem. You don't listen to 'em.
Watch and learn.
So he calls and he says, "grandma, I got accepted."
Oh, my goodness, you're telling me your grandson
got into Tulane on a full scholarship?
Mazel tov.
Now, how about we go back to your place and knock the dust off that poontang?
Ooh! Thought you'd never ask.
It's just like Shakespeare said...
"If you yak about you, your sack will turn blue.
But if you watch and listen, her crotch will glisten."
- William Shakespeare said that? - Who?
Nah. My boy Jamarcus Shakespeare.
Ran a chop shop in Detroit.
Brother pulled more hos than a Fire Department.
Ethel and Denzel don't know what they're talking about.
I'm not self-centered. Am I?
No. Don't even say that.
You're amazing!
Thank you. Finally, someone who makes a little sense around here.
I appreciate how amazing you are.
Why don't you tell me everything there is to know about you?
Me? My favorite subject.
My earliest memory was being the fastest sperm in the balls.
Mmm. Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.
Mmm, nyum, yum, yum, yum.
Well, if it ain't the house bear.
Where you going, you spoiled little pussy?
Inside, where I live.
You guys have fun digging through the garbage, though.
Ooh, I forgot, we put rocks on the lids. Tough break, guys.
- Yo, gimme those. - Hey, those are mine!
Okay, okay, you win.
Tell you what.
I'll bring you some food from inside, just wait right here.
Malloy, what are you doing?
Getting a gun.
What have I told you about guns?
To scratch the serial number off before you murder someone.
No.
Only rangers can carry guns inside of a National Park.
That rule sucks.
I just need to command a little respect around here.
Trust me, I don't need a gun to get respect.
What's up, you fat old mother...
Handsome, strong...
Stupid, ignorant-ass...
All-around nice guy.
All right, maybe you've got a point.
So then, we get to her place and start going at it.
Everything is getting hot and heavy.
She smells like menthol rubs and female excitement,
when all of a sudden the parlor door opens.
- Mom... - You got a mom?
You go to your room at once, young lady!
Cock blocked by a 90-year-old. Ain't that some shit?
I am really sorry I asked about that.
Yeah!
I will have you know that my self-centered ass
just scored with the hottest, sexiest woman in the whole world!
I don't believe it.
And, she only wanted to talk about me.
She didn't waste my time talking about her.
Oh, yeah, and we had the wildest sex you could imagine.
It wasn't until it was all over that she finally asked for something for herself.
- What was that? - Five hundred dollars.
I'm assuming it was for cab fare.
And I'm assuming the cab had to take her to a different state.
I'm assuming, Mexico.
Steve, I think that woman was a...
How should I put this?
That bitch was a ho!
Don't talk about Lady Tanqueray like that!
Besides, if she was a prostitute, why didn't I wear a condom?
Right?
Steve, how many times have I warned you about taking part in high-risk behaviors?
Oh, my God.
Someone just left this laying here?
Well, it is cold and flu season.
Is that corned beef?
I'll give you three bucks for a bite of that.
Who wants to become blood brothers?
All of you? Okay!
Frankly, it's a statistical miracle that you haven't gotten sick yet...
See?
- Until now. - What?
Steve, medicine doesn't have words to describe how horrific your illness is.
I've never seen it before, but...
Well, try to imagine if syphilis did it with cancer and got full-blown aids.
Can-a-syphil-aids?
Yes, can-a-syphil-aids.
That has a nice ring to it, Steve.
The good news is, you'll only be sick for two weeks.
Yes!
Because after that you'll be dead.
Oh, my God, Steve.
This is horrible news.
Feels like someone's ripped my heart straight out of my chest.
Don't worry, Woody. It'll be okay.
No, it won't!
Do you know how much of a hassle it is to hire a new ranger, you stupid dying idiot?
Malloy, what are you doing?
Just practicing the jig I'm going to do on Steve's grave.
Can you believe my luck? That moron's dying.
Now make me the new ranger and give me my gun.
A bear ranger? What's next?
Forgiving your dad for making you wear
panties and a padded bra just because he missed his dead wife?
I'm not mom, dad!
She's gone!
Steve, I can't believe that you're dying.
Yeah, Steve. I'm sad.
Don't be so sad, guys.
In two weeks, I'll be in heaven.
What? You guys don't think I'm going to heaven?
Uh, no.
My son, in order to get to heaven you need to accept Jesus Christ into your heart
as your personal Lord and savior.
Done. I (Bleeping) Love him. What else?
You need to do nice things for people.
On it. I just bought myself an iPad 3
and an all-access pass to a website called PubeTube...
Steven, I mean good deeds for other people.
Uh, hypothetically, what if I've never helped another person... Ever?
Then you'll burn in hell for all eternity.
I can't spend nine months in hell!
That's maternity, Steven.
Eternity is forever.
Oh, no! You gotta get me out of this!
Please!
There's still time, son.
Just go out there and help others.
Ethel. She does good stuff.
She even started a camp for blind kids.
Good! Do what she does.
Oh, she'll help you get into heaven.
Wait. Wouldn't it be better if I just followed you around? You're a priest.
Too busy, Steven. I've got this other gig
where I dress as a clown.
I need to ask you something important.
Steve, I told you, the juice boxes are for the campers.
I wanted to ask for your forgiveness.
I'm sorry for being so self-centered, and I want to help you do good deeds.
I'm a brand-new Steve, who just wants to help other people.
Like this one.
You shouldn't be playing with sticks. You could put your eye out.
Steve, if you want, you can read to the kids.
Come on, kids. Story time!
Hello?
Hello, this is Dr. Kuzniak.
I have some very important information for Steve.
Can you tell him that he's not dying?
It turns out I accidentally mixed up his blood sample with another patient's.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the holy...
Steve, the doctor called! He has important news for you!
Page 43. We're into the lace corset section.
It's the same chick from page 12, but you can see her jugs better.
Oh, Steve. It's like you've helped the blind to see.
Now, what was that doctor's big news?
Um... Just that you're still dying.
So I'm supposed to believe that he called me, just to tell me I'm still dying?
Man, that doctor's a (Bleeping) asshole.
Kids, this is the last day being blind is going to
prevent you from doing anything you want.
Draw...
Release!
How'd we do?
Ethel. I've spent the whole day showing blind kids
that they can do anything non-crippled kids can.
That's wonderful, Steve.
Wow. It's amazing how much this dying thing has changed Steve.
I know, right? He's actually kind of pleasant to be around.
Which is why I... Connie, can I tell you something?
Steve isn't really dying.
The doctor called. It turns out he isn't even sick at all.
That's great news! Let's tell him.
Would it be horrible if we hold off telling him?
You know, maybe ride the "nice Steve" wave a little bit longer?
Ethel, that's really selfish of you.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's for the good of the kids.
Now who's having fun?
What's going on in here?
Oh, I'm interviewing for our next ranger.
Just hire me, and let's be done with this.
Daddy's busy, honey. Why don't you go outside and play?
- No, I'm good. - Suit yourself. Next!
Good afternoon. Welcome...
Eh! I'm gonna stop you right there.
What's the company policy on angel dust?
It's illegal in the park, and in these United States of America.
Well, shit! I'm back in the States? Since when?
Man, you know what can really make you forget where you are?
Angel dust.
By the way, can you advance me 20 bucks to score some angel dust?
- Next! - Man, I love angel dust.
- Next! - I can only ejaculate
- by setting things on fire. - Next!
- I like lollipops. - Next!
I want this job because I like animals.
No, I love animals.
Some people say I love animals too much, you know what I'm saying?
Next!
And, I'm a certified lifeguard.
Well, I'm impressed.
Well, everything looks good.
- He's Canadian. - What?!
Get out of my office, you disgusting freak!
That is what you get when you put an ad in a newspaper.
Stupid dying medium.
Malloy, can you help me post an ad on the Internet
that doesn't attract a bunch of wacko nut jobs?
Oh, I think I can help you with that.
- Hello? - It's Denzel.
Oh, right. The colored kid.
Oh, well, Myrtle isn't here right now...
Oh, I didn't call to talk to Myrtle.
I called to talk to you, baby.
Oh, I see.
Agnes, I think you fine as hell. I like mature women.
Myrtle's just too young and naive for me.
Oh, Denzel, stop it.
You're embarrassing me.
So, uh, what are you wearing right now?
A polyester housecoat and gown. Why?
No, I mean under that.
Oh... Well, a brassiere and a girdle.
No, baby. I mean under that.
A diaper.
Now, that's nasty.
Thanks for the best week of my life, Steve.
Don't cry, Frankie. We'll see each other soon.
Well, I'll see you soon. Oh, wait. I'll be dead.
Steve, you have been so amazing.
And... Look, I'll be honest.
You always disgusted me. I found you repulsive.
You know, like when fat people kiss. But you've changed.
You now seem so...
Sweet and compassionate.
And now that we're alone...
Ethel, as much as I'd love to dip my diseased donk in your bonk,
I need to find some more good deeds to do or I'm gonna burn in hell!
Please stop dragging me across the street.
Three more times and I'll let you go.
At least let me use my wheelchair.
No time!
Come on, kitty. Jump.
"Craigslist." Now what?
Okay, first things first.
You don't want to hire a child, so click on the "adults only" section.
"Adults only." Good thinking.
Now we don't need another female ranger, right?
- Hell, no! - And you're a man, of course.
So go ahead and click "men seeking men."
Wow, this is easier than I thought.
Hey, Steve. What are you doing?
I'm doing good deeds for the rangers.
The ones I tried to do in town didn't work out so well, and I'm running out of time.
- Can we talk for a second? - Not now.
Denzel asked me to swallow these condoms and drive to Mexico.
But first, I promised Connie a spa day.
Steve! I need another mimosa.
Listen, Connie. What you said before about telling Steve?
I agree with you now. It's time I told him the truth.
No way. This is great.
I've never been so pampered in my life.
You are taking advantage of him. It's not right.
I'm gonna tell him right... Oh!
If you ruin this, I will break you.
Your ad said you need a man who is willing to submit to your authority?
Yes, Sir. And I'm gonna work you long and hard.
I'm willing to get down on my hands and knees
and do whatever it takes to satisfy you.
See, Malloy? That's what you call commitment.
If you say so.
I want you to shove your fist up my ass and work me like a puppet.
Well, if that's code for having a good work ethic, let me go get the paperwork.
Whoa! What the (Bleep)?
So, Steve, I was thinking. You're about to die a horrible death.
Condolences. Anyhow, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor.
Sure, I'll help you.
Hear that, God? I'm helping an animal.
Just tell Woody that your dying wish is for me to have your job.
God put three types of animals on Earth.
One type to eat, one type to ride, and whales.
So sayeth the Lord.
Would you stop it with all this God crap?
You blasphemer!
Steve, I know that you're dumb, but try to listen closely.
- There is no God. - What?
If there were a God, how do you explain hunger, suffering, and war?
You know, Africa.
I'll ask God next week when I'm in heaven.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to give Connie a Brazilian.
I'm ready.
You're right! There is no God!
Steve?
Damn it!
Come back here, chipyunk!
Fight like a man!
Hey, Steve! Stop it!
Why? There is no God.
What's the difference?
The difference is you're not dying.
The doctor called last week and told me.
I just didn't tell you because I... I really...
I really like the new Steve.
Bullshit! You're just lying to me so I don't blow Bambi's brains out.
Wait, Steve! Okay! Okay! Okay.
Su... Suppose you are dying.
Is this really how you want to spend your last few days?
You know what? You're right.
- I'm wasting precious time. - Thank you.
There's way more messed up shit I've always wanted to do!
Really?
Angel dust!
Mother? I need to speak to you about Denzel.
You can't tell me who to date.
Myrtle! I thought you had a dialysis appointment.
How could you, mother? You're going down, bitch!
I just did, on the colored kid.
And it was heavenly.
Huuh-ya!
Oof! Ow!
Myrtle, no! No!
Oh, man.
Get your hands off me. He's mine.
Oh, shit!
I never loved you.
Ladies, ladies, calm down!
I know how we can work this out.
Man, y'all are freaks.
I bet you ain't smiled like that since you got the right to vote.
Right, girl?
Uh, Myrtle, I think your mama dead.
Myrtle?
God damn it.
Let's be honest, we all took advantage of Steve.
We preyed on his insecurities, and we didn't tell him that he's not dying.
Wait, Steve's not really dying?
Damn, you colder than those two dead women I just had sex with.
Uh, I mean, uh... How can we help Steve?
Steve, it's me.
God.
You can't be God. You're black.
Yeah, I'm black. What's wrong with that?
Uh... Nothing.
That's right, mother (Bleeper). If I wasn't God, could I do this?
You are God. I'm sorry I lost my faith, God.
I've done bad things. And in three days, I'll be going straight to hell, huh?
Yeah, that's what you deserve, but I'm here to heal your shit.
Behold the power of God.
You're healed.
Thank you, God.
I... Don't feel any different.
- Trust me, you're fine. - How can I ever repay you?
Okay, you know your friend Denzel?
If the cops ask you where he was at last night
between 7:00 and 8:30, you say he was with you
playing Wii bowling or some shit at your crib.
Now I gots to bounce.
Wait! I need to ask you something.
I can't hold this much longer.
What, my son? Make it quick.
Will you give me super-strong robot arms?
- No. - Regular strength robot arms?
No! No robot arms!
- Just the hands? - Hell, no.
- Fair enough, God. - All right, I'm out.
Oh, my God. It's all a sham!
Steve? Now be cool, man. We just trying to help.
A fake beard, God? You have a fake beard?
Why do you mislead us all?
Damn, you stupid.
Well, Malloy, turns out you were the best candidate after all.
And I know that you will make your daddy proud.
And, now that you are an official park ranger, you're authorized to carry this.
Please use it responsibly.
Of course.
Hey, look. It's the house bear.
Look at that uniform!
I quit.
Hey, everybody, good news!
I'm not dying anymore!
Now, Woody, I would like my job back.
I plan on being around for a long time.
That is good news. Because your so-called replacement over here just quit!
I knew you weren't responsible enough to respect a gun.
These things aren't toys, Malloy!
"Look at me, I've got a big gun! Doe, tee-doe, tee-doe, tee-doe!"
Whoopsie.
As if I didn't have enough bullshit, now I've got blood on my wall!
Congratulations, Steven.
I'm glad to tell you you just squeaked into heaven.
Who the hell are you?
I am God, my son.
Welcome to my glorious kingdom.
This man is a fraud!
Everyone knows God is black!
You goddamn God impostor!
That does it. You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to hell.
Yup. Makes sense.