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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Oh, Stewie, how exciting!
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Your first visit to a real fire station!
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Yeah, you kids always loved your
first trip to the fire station.
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You remember when we took Meg?
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Welcome to the Quahog
Fire Department, folks.
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I'm Captain Beckman.
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Let me know if you have any questions
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that I can answer for you.
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JOE: What's up, nerds?
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You waiting for some guy to
fall asleep with a cigarette?
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Lazy fire turds!
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Have another donut, pig!
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We got guns! You got hoses!
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See you on the softball field!
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Over here is our kitchen,
where we make all our meals.
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And upstairs is where we sleep.
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What about your wives and families?
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Sometimes we don't see them
for long periods of time.
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Well, that sounds awfully lonely.
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Like being an NBA player on the road.
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Baby, I miss my wife so much.
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Thanks for understanding
that we can't do anything.
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I just want to cuddle.
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Oh, you're so sweet.
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I'm just doing what a man should do.
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Respecting the sacred
institution of marriage.
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And now, straight to sleep.
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ANNOUNCER: This message
brought to you by the NBA.
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Let's all pretend this happens.
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Hey, Chris, you think it's
safe to drink from a fire hose?
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Nice job, Chris.
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You got my shirt wet.
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Now, few people realize
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that until 1928 there were no hoses,
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and you actually had to fight
fires with your bare hands.
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I will now give a demonstration.
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(grunts)
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Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?
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Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun!
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What the (bleep) was that?
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(making driving noises)
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Come on, Stewie. We're going.
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Just a moment, Brian.
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I'm pretending I'm a fireman.
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I love playing pretend.
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My name's Peter and
I work in the brewery.
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Now I'm gonna put on my pants
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and go talk to my coworkers at...
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These pants have stool in them.
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Well, I hope everyone had a
fun afternoon at the firehouse.
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I sure did, Mom!
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I can't wait for the next family outing!
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Aw, thanks, Mike.
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I hate fire stations.
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(man's voice): No
problem, man. (sniffing)
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Is that alcohol on your breath?
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Yeah, maybe.
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You're playing this too
fast and loose, Mike!
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Ooh, ooh, is that the mail?
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Yeah. Is there anything in there for me?
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I want to see if there's a response
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to all those fan letters
I've been writing.
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PETER: Dear Cary Elwes,
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I have been meaning to
contact you for some time.
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I have never been able to
figure out if you are famous.
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You were a big deal in one thing,
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but you were wearing
a mask for most of it.
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Do you consider your
career a disappointment?
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Or rather, did you exceed
your own expectations?
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Yours truly, Peter Griffin.
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P.S. You were in Robin
Hood: Men in Tights.
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Did you know that?
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Hey, there's something here
from the Nielsen Company.
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"Dear Griffin family,
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"You have been specially
selected from amongst millions
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"of American households
to be a Nielsen family,
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"and as such, to have your
TV viewing habits monitored
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in order to measure television ratings."
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Oh, kids, this came all
the way from Delaware.
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What does all that mean?
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Well, Meg, it sounds like
they want us to be part of
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a select group of people that
helps determine what's on TV.
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We're gonna be a Nielsen family?
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That's awesome!
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(somber, sad music plays)
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I think... uh...
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I think that's the wrong music.
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(victorious fanfare plays)
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There you go.
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Now, this Nielsen box will keep
track of everything you watch,
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which helps us generalize
the viewing habits
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of millions of Americans.
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Ah, yes.
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And what was that beginning,
middle and end part again?
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Um...
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this Nielsen box will keep
track of everything you watch,
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which helps us generalize
the viewing habits
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of millions of Americans.
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Is there any way you
can describe that to me
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using colorful puppets of some sort?
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The Nielsen box will
monitor your viewing habits!
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(scratchy laugh)
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I don't like the left
puppet. His chin is scary.
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Well, thanks for your cooperation.
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If you have any
questions, please call me.
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And welcome to the Nielsen family.
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Thank you very much.
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Well, isn't this exciting.
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I know, I can't believe
we're a Nielsen family!
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I never get picked for anything.
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(people screaming)
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All right, everyone.
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Time to do our Nielsen duty.
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So, what are we gonna watch?
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Boobs! Project Runway!
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The Good Wife! That
black version of our show!
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You know, guys, this
is a real opportunity
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to promote quality programming.
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I think we should watch PBS.
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Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS.
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You donated once five years
ago and they sent you a mug.
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And now the mug's so old
that the "P" has been worn off
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so it just says "B.S."
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It's libtards like you that
are screwing up our country.
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(knock at door)
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Tom Tucker? What are you doing here?
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Well, I heard you're
the new Nielsen family.
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Just hoping you plan to
watch the Channel Five News.
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I don't know. I've missed so many.
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It's gonna take me forever to catch up.
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Well, we'd sure love
to have you as a viewer.
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Is there anything we can do
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to make the news more appealing to you?
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Maybe.
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I guess you could lose the moustache.
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Lose my moustache?
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Well, gosh, I... I don't know.
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My birthmark makes it kind of tough.
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Always caused me problems at my old job.
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And that'll do it for us
here at Channel 12 News.
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Make sure you turn those clocks ahead.
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Good night, St. Louis.
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Yeah, I don't know,
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I was never that crazy
about the moustache.
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Well, I suppose I could lose
it and just use more makeup.
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Yeah, that'd be cool.
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And maybe a festive hat would
make things more festive.
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All right, this is good.
Any other suggestions?
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Yeah, can you end each show
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by trying to pull-start
a very cold chain saw?
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Well, that shouldn't be a problem.
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All right, thank you
for being so candid.
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Hey, thanks for listening.
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I know how hard it is to take criticism.
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Hey, nice boots, Griffin.
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They sell men's shoes
where you got those?
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PETER: You made a commitment
to these boots, Peter.
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These boots are the new you,
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and no one will shake that.
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Yee-haw, ride 'em, cowgirl!
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PETER: Okay, you can take
the boots off at lunch.
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Go to the gym. Have a workout.
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Come back in your sneakers.
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If anyone asks, you forgot
the boots in your locker.
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Just make it to lunch.
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Those boots are made for walkin'.
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Up to guys' butts.
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(laughing)
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Hey, fellas. Hey.
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TOM TUCKER: Good evening, Quahog.
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Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss
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of a dear colleague.
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My moustache.
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And as per the wishes of my moustache,
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his ashes were sprinkled
off the coast of Acapulco
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where he was born.
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Well, that'll do it for us here.
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Thanks for watching Channel Five,
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the most trusted name in news.
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Ah, crap.
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Oh, come on.
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Let's go, Tom.
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Work, damn it!
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What the hell?
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What's going on with the news?
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This is terrible! Yeah,
has he lost his mind?
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Well, I'll be damned.
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If I knew he was gonna do
all that stuff I told him,
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I would've told him more stuff.
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What?
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Peter, you told him to do this crap?
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Yeah, he came to my
house when he found out
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I was a Nielsen family,
asked what I wanted to see.
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Hey, hey, you know what would be cool?
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If he did the news with
a family of prairie dogs,
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and whenever he said something sad,
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they'd pop their heads
up, all concerned.
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Peter, you sure that's such a good idea?
208
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People rely on the local
news to provide them with
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00:08:20,921 --> 00:08:23,689
several stories a year on
how saltwater taffy is made.
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Yeah, if you're a Nielsen family,
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it seems like you should maybe be
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a little more thoughtful
with your choices.
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What are you talking about?
214
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I'm just having a little fun.
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For God's sakes, I've just been handed
216
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the coolest freaking toy on the planet.
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Well, you know, except for
Hungry Hungry Alec Baldwins.
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Hey, I'm not... I'm not
even touching the lever.
219
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Chilling news from Long Island Sound,
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as a four-passenger prop plane
on its way to East Hampton
221
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spun into the surf off Montauk Point.
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There were no survivors.
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Oh, that's so great, I just
called him on the way home!
224
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Peter, I'm not sure this
is entirely responsible.
225
00:09:02,529 --> 00:09:03,829
I don't see what the big deal is.
226
00:09:03,864 --> 00:09:05,431
I was just trying to
make the show better.
227
00:09:05,465 --> 00:09:07,333
Hell, I wish I could do
it with all the shows.
228
00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:09,068
Yeah, well, you only
have one Nielsen box.
229
00:09:09,102 --> 00:09:10,836
You don't have the clout
to affect national shows.
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Damn it.
231
00:09:12,105 --> 00:09:13,472
I guess that means I'll never get to see
232
00:09:13,507 --> 00:09:15,508
an episode of Superman where
Clark Kent and Lois Lane
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00:09:15,542 --> 00:09:17,076
finally get together.
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00:09:17,110 --> 00:09:18,377
Lois, I love you,
235
00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:21,647
and I want there to be no
more secrets between us.
236
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I am Superman.
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Oh, my God.
238
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The only thing that can
kill me is kryptonite.
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Or latex.
240
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Or lambskin.
241
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What about polyurethane? All that.
242
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All that stuff.
243
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(knock at door)
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Hi, folks.
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Just thought I'd stop by
and make sure your equipment
246
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is working properly and see
if you have any questions.
247
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Yeah, is something
wrong with our remote?
248
00:09:41,168 --> 00:09:42,902
No matter how low I turn the volume,
249
00:09:42,936 --> 00:09:44,904
Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me.
250
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What did I do?
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Thank you. I think we're good.
252
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Everything seems to be going well.
253
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Okay, great.
254
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Well, I'm just gonna change out the card
255
00:09:52,512 --> 00:09:54,780
on your unit real quick
and I'll be on my way.
256
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,060
Well, we're all set.
257
00:10:08,095 --> 00:10:09,095
Thanks for your time.
258
00:10:09,129 --> 00:10:10,463
No, thank you, pal.
259
00:10:10,497 --> 00:10:11,831
And hey, you've been working hard.
260
00:10:11,865 --> 00:10:13,499
Why don't you take the
rest of the day off?
261
00:10:13,533 --> 00:10:15,835
Here's two tickets to Sandra
Bernhard's one-woman show.
262
00:10:15,869 --> 00:10:17,036
Wow, thanks!
263
00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:18,204
Yeah, and they're great seats.
264
00:10:18,238 --> 00:10:19,572
They're right in the gap of her teeth.
265
00:10:19,606 --> 00:10:21,140
Social media?
266
00:10:21,174 --> 00:10:22,808
More like a social disease.
267
00:10:22,843 --> 00:10:23,809
(audience laughs)
268
00:10:23,844 --> 00:10:25,778
Ha! That's funny!
269
00:10:29,816 --> 00:10:32,118
Peter, what the hell's going on here?
270
00:10:32,152 --> 00:10:34,553
Lois, we're no longer
one Nielsen family.
271
00:10:34,588 --> 00:10:36,455
We're 100.
272
00:10:36,490 --> 00:10:37,790
More boxes, more power.
273
00:10:37,824 --> 00:10:39,625
And I got some ideas to make TV better.
274
00:10:41,795 --> 00:10:42,762
(phone rings)
275
00:10:42,796 --> 00:10:44,597
Hello, Mad Men production office.
276
00:10:44,631 --> 00:10:45,731
Yeah, Peter Griffin here.
277
00:10:45,766 --> 00:10:47,233
Could I speak with Jon Hamm, please?
278
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,501
One moment.
279
00:10:48,535 --> 00:10:49,502
(phone rings)
280
00:10:49,536 --> 00:10:51,170
Hello? Hello, Jon Hamm?
281
00:10:51,204 --> 00:10:52,438
Peter Griffin, Nielsen family.
282
00:10:52,472 --> 00:10:53,973
Listen, did I catch you at a good time,
283
00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:56,475
or are you and the critics
busy sucking each other's butts?
284
00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:57,610
Excuse me?
285
00:10:57,644 --> 00:10:59,111
Look, your show is really boring.
286
00:10:59,146 --> 00:11:00,413
But don't worry, I got some ideas
287
00:11:00,447 --> 00:11:01,547
on how you can jazz it up.
288
00:11:01,581 --> 00:11:03,382
Listen, I don't need
your suggestions, pal.
289
00:11:03,417 --> 00:11:05,985
I've been a big celebrity
for a year and a half now.
290
00:11:06,019 --> 00:11:07,553
Okay, if that's how you're gonna be.
291
00:11:07,587 --> 00:11:09,155
We'll see how this plays out.
292
00:11:09,189 --> 00:11:11,457
Lois, we're not
watching Mad Men no more.
293
00:11:14,027 --> 00:11:15,961
(phone ringing)
294
00:11:15,996 --> 00:11:16,962
Hello?
295
00:11:16,997 --> 00:11:18,564
Look, I may have been a little rash.
296
00:11:18,598 --> 00:11:20,232
Our ratings have dropped 50%.
297
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:22,334
Whatever suggestions
you have, I'll listen.
298
00:11:24,438 --> 00:11:25,805
And so, gentlemen, in baseball,
299
00:11:25,839 --> 00:11:27,940
three strikes and you're out.
300
00:11:27,974 --> 00:11:29,742
But three Lucky Strikes...
301
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,877
and you're in.
302
00:11:31,912 --> 00:11:33,078
Nice try, Don.
303
00:11:33,113 --> 00:11:34,513
But I'm afraid we're going to have
304
00:11:34,548 --> 00:11:35,848
to take our business elsewhere.
305
00:11:35,882 --> 00:11:37,983
Oh? don't think so.
306
00:11:41,388 --> 00:11:43,856
(playing Star Wars theme)
307
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:49,028
What the hell was that?
308
00:11:49,062 --> 00:11:50,496
I'll tell you what it was, Lois.
309
00:11:50,530 --> 00:11:51,664
It was awesome.
310
00:11:51,698 --> 00:11:53,332
And wait'll you see Breaking Bad.
311
00:11:53,366 --> 00:11:55,835
I don't know what it was,
but now it's on roller skates.
312
00:11:58,038 --> 00:11:59,972
Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin.
313
00:12:00,006 --> 00:12:01,874
Listen, you guys are doing a great job.
314
00:12:01,908 --> 00:12:05,644
If anybody knows what America
wants in the '90s, it's NBC.
315
00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:07,580
But I just have one small request:
316
00:12:07,614 --> 00:12:10,583
I like Dateline, but I
really hate waiting two hours
317
00:12:10,617 --> 00:12:12,184
to find out who the killer is.
318
00:12:12,219 --> 00:12:14,720
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on
Dateline, a woman murdered.
319
00:12:14,754 --> 00:12:16,422
Was it her ex-boyfriend?
320
00:12:16,456 --> 00:12:17,923
Yes, it was.
321
00:12:17,958 --> 00:12:19,024
I knew it.
322
00:12:19,059 --> 00:12:21,427
I knew it was the ex-boyfriend.
323
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,432
"Sleep tight, truck.
324
00:12:26,466 --> 00:12:28,868
"Sleep tight, firefly.
325
00:12:28,902 --> 00:12:31,203
"Sleep tight, chair.
326
00:12:31,238 --> 00:12:33,572
Sleep tight, bird."
327
00:12:33,607 --> 00:12:34,707
You see that, Peter?
328
00:12:34,741 --> 00:12:35,975
You see the bird?
329
00:12:36,009 --> 00:12:37,176
Bird.
330
00:12:37,210 --> 00:12:38,911
Okay, we'll, uh, pick
up the rest tomorrow.
331
00:12:38,945 --> 00:12:42,114
Uh, now, I'm just gonna vamp for
a while with some random noises.
332
00:12:42,148 --> 00:12:43,749
Hee-hee!
333
00:12:43,783 --> 00:12:45,918
Heya, heya, heya.
334
00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:47,953
(grumbling, groaning)
335
00:12:47,988 --> 00:12:49,321
Uh-heh,
uh-heh...
336
00:12:49,356 --> 00:12:51,590
(gibbering)
337
00:12:54,461 --> 00:12:55,427
Okay, good night, Peter.
338
00:12:55,462 --> 00:12:56,495
Good night, Dave.
339
00:12:56,530 --> 00:12:57,863
LETTERMAN: And, uh, here's Paul
340
00:12:57,898 --> 00:12:59,465
to play you to sleep with a lullaby.
341
00:12:59,499 --> 00:13:00,966
PAUL (off-key): ♪ Hey, lullaby... ♪
342
00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:02,334
♪ Oh, lullaby ♪
343
00:13:02,369 --> 00:13:04,203
♪ Hey, you, lullaby... ♪
344
00:13:04,237 --> 00:13:05,237
Stop, no, stop.
345
00:13:05,272 --> 00:13:06,238
Stop.
346
00:13:06,273 --> 00:13:07,940
I forgot, he's terrible.
347
00:13:10,977 --> 00:13:14,013
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Cops With Banana Guns.
348
00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:16,415
Freeze!
349
00:13:16,449 --> 00:13:18,484
Is that... is that a banana?
350
00:13:18,518 --> 00:13:19,885
Don't worry about what it is.
351
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,654
I'm still a cop.
352
00:13:21,688 --> 00:13:22,922
Whoa, hold on.
353
00:13:22,956 --> 00:13:24,924
All-All right, just...
just take it easy.
354
00:13:24,958 --> 00:13:27,026
This can go a couple of ways.
355
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,261
What the hell did Peter do to Cops?!
356
00:13:29,296 --> 00:13:31,730
Bonnie! Come push me out in a huff!
357
00:13:36,670 --> 00:13:38,103
Peter, what is this show?
358
00:13:38,138 --> 00:13:40,439
It's called Creeping
Up on the Kardashians.
359
00:13:40,473 --> 00:13:42,174
See that guy with the
ponytail in the background?
360
00:13:42,208 --> 00:13:44,343
He sneaks up and scares the girls
361
00:13:44,377 --> 00:13:45,811
while they're starting businesses
362
00:13:45,845 --> 00:13:47,279
or getting their fat waxed.
363
00:13:47,314 --> 00:13:48,547
(all scream)
364
00:13:48,582 --> 00:13:49,648
What the hell?!
365
00:13:51,351 --> 00:13:52,818
(crowd clamoring)
366
00:13:52,852 --> 00:13:54,954
There they are! That's
the Nielsen family!
367
00:13:54,988 --> 00:13:56,455
You ruined television!
368
00:13:56,489 --> 00:13:58,724
Now it's just a big, old, silly mess!
369
00:13:58,758 --> 00:14:01,060
Oh, God! An angry mob!
370
00:14:01,094 --> 00:14:03,996
I've got to swallow all my
valuables and get out of here!
371
00:14:15,842 --> 00:14:17,409
Did you see the mob?
372
00:14:17,444 --> 00:14:18,544
Did I see the mob?
373
00:14:18,578 --> 00:14:19,979
Why else am I here?
374
00:14:23,556 --> 00:14:25,524
(clamoring)
375
00:14:25,558 --> 00:14:27,926
Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry!
376
00:14:27,961 --> 00:14:29,594
Say something!
377
00:14:29,629 --> 00:14:30,679
W-Wait. What the hell's going on?
378
00:14:30,713 --> 00:14:32,097
What do you mean, I ruined television?
379
00:14:32,131 --> 00:14:34,166
You put a real cougar on Cougar Town,
380
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:35,634
and now that cougar's dead
381
00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:38,403
because Courtney Cox ripped it
apart with her teeth and claws!
382
00:14:38,438 --> 00:14:42,107
You turned Anderson Cooper
360 into Anderson Cooper 720!
383
00:14:42,141 --> 00:14:43,642
He's turning around too much!
384
00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:46,044
You converted The Biggest
Loser to the metric system!
385
00:14:46,079 --> 00:14:48,046
Now it feels like
they're not losing enough!
386
00:14:48,081 --> 00:14:49,548
Aw, the hell with you guys!
387
00:14:49,582 --> 00:14:52,150
You're just jealous 'cause I
get to say what's on TV now!
388
00:14:52,185 --> 00:14:54,252
I am a Nielsen god!
389
00:14:56,255 --> 00:14:58,256
(cheering)
390
00:15:00,660 --> 00:15:01,860
Sorry, y'all.
391
00:15:01,894 --> 00:15:04,463
That's the first time
I ever throwed anything.
392
00:15:09,168 --> 00:15:11,703
Well, if it isn't Mr. Nielsen himself.
393
00:15:11,738 --> 00:15:13,905
Nurse, who's the worst
doctor in this hospital?
394
00:15:13,940 --> 00:15:15,140
You are, Dr. Hartman.
395
00:15:15,174 --> 00:15:16,808
Good. Put Hartman on this bozo.
396
00:15:16,843 --> 00:15:18,176
Hey, what can I do for you?
397
00:15:18,211 --> 00:15:20,212
Please, Doc, you got to
help me with this nasty gash.
398
00:15:20,246 --> 00:15:21,246
What seems to be the problem?
399
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,647
No, it's my husband.
400
00:15:22,682 --> 00:15:24,883
Oh. Well, you've got a
lot of nerve coming in here
401
00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,118
after what you did to television.
402
00:15:26,152 --> 00:15:27,285
Now, get out!
403
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,187
Please, Doctor, you've got to help him.
404
00:15:29,222 --> 00:15:31,523
You took an oath when you
went to medical school.
405
00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:33,358
I took a lot of things when
I went to medical school.
406
00:15:33,393 --> 00:15:35,160
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have to answer this.
407
00:15:35,194 --> 00:15:36,361
Hello?
408
00:15:36,396 --> 00:15:38,163
Ah, Hartman!
409
00:15:42,902 --> 00:15:44,036
Hey, guys. How you doing?
410
00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:45,070
Not so good, Peter.
411
00:15:45,104 --> 00:15:46,204
Yeah, me, either.
412
00:15:46,239 --> 00:15:48,240
Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland.
413
00:15:48,274 --> 00:15:49,508
You know how I know that phrase?
414
00:15:49,542 --> 00:15:50,876
I read it in a book, you monster!
415
00:15:50,910 --> 00:15:52,511
Aw, come on, let me make it up to you.
416
00:15:52,545 --> 00:15:53,545
Let me buy you a beer.
417
00:15:53,579 --> 00:15:55,280
No, that seat's taken.
418
00:15:55,314 --> 00:15:56,348
Move along, Peter.
419
00:15:56,382 --> 00:15:58,050
What are you talking about?
420
00:15:58,084 --> 00:15:59,084
You guys are my pals.
421
00:15:59,118 --> 00:16:00,185
We used to be, Peter.
422
00:16:00,219 --> 00:16:01,286
Now, scram.
423
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,522
Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar.
424
00:16:03,556 --> 00:16:05,157
Not at my bar, you won't.
425
00:16:05,191 --> 00:16:06,458
Get out of here!
426
00:16:06,492 --> 00:16:08,593
Geez, I can't show my face anywhere.
427
00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,129
I might as well be
back doing public radio.
428
00:16:11,164 --> 00:16:12,531
This is Peter Griffin,
429
00:16:12,565 --> 00:16:15,901
and you're listening
to Book Talk on WRNI.
430
00:16:15,935 --> 00:16:17,202
Today we'll be discussing
431
00:16:17,236 --> 00:16:19,071
Bret Easton Ellis's popular work,
432
00:16:19,105 --> 00:16:22,808
Less Than Zero, a tale
of privilege, detachment
433
00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:25,010
and youthful alienation.
434
00:16:25,044 --> 00:16:26,878
(taking a long, loud sip of tea)
435
00:16:28,548 --> 00:16:30,215
But first, a word from our sponsor,
436
00:16:30,249 --> 00:16:32,451
Westin's Golden Soda Biscuits.
437
00:16:32,485 --> 00:16:34,152
I'm enjoying one right now.
438
00:16:34,187 --> 00:16:36,288
(crunches biscuit)
439
00:16:36,322 --> 00:16:37,756
Mmm.
440
00:16:37,790 --> 00:16:41,726
(sips, then crunches)
441
00:16:41,761 --> 00:16:43,462
Mmm.
442
00:16:43,496 --> 00:16:46,865
(sips tea, crunches biscuit)
443
00:16:46,899 --> 00:16:48,467
Mmm.
444
00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:52,003
(sips tea, crunches biscuit)
445
00:16:55,141 --> 00:16:56,708
(sips tea)
446
00:16:56,742 --> 00:16:58,743
Mmm.
447
00:17:02,215 --> 00:17:04,516
That concludes today's
session of Book Talk.
448
00:17:04,550 --> 00:17:07,285
Tune in tomorrow when we will
look at John Kennedy Toole's
449
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,388
unheralded early work, The Neon Bible.
450
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,760
Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
451
00:17:15,795 --> 00:17:17,295
I miss my friends, Brian.
452
00:17:17,330 --> 00:17:19,631
I mean, I was having fun
with those Nielsen boxes,
453
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,199
but what's the point
454
00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:23,835
if I don't got Joe and
Quagmire to enjoy it with me?
455
00:17:23,870 --> 00:17:26,671
I guess I shouldn't have
messed with television.
456
00:17:26,706 --> 00:17:28,673
Well, it's not exactly your fault.
457
00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:30,075
The networks never should
have listened to you
458
00:17:30,109 --> 00:17:31,309
in the first place.
459
00:17:31,344 --> 00:17:32,978
This is exactly what
makes bad television:
460
00:17:33,012 --> 00:17:34,913
pandering to the lowest
common denominator.
461
00:17:34,947 --> 00:17:36,548
So what do I do, Brian?
462
00:17:36,582 --> 00:17:38,083
Well, you still have these boxes.
463
00:17:38,117 --> 00:17:41,019
That means you still have the
power to influence television.
464
00:17:41,053 --> 00:17:43,121
Maybe you can use that
power to help restore TV
465
00:17:43,156 --> 00:17:44,256
to the way it was.
466
00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:45,457
You're right, Brian.
467
00:17:45,491 --> 00:17:47,459
Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows,
468
00:17:47,493 --> 00:17:49,127
that'll help get things
back to the way they were.
469
00:17:49,162 --> 00:17:51,563
We can use these boxes for good and...
470
00:17:52,698 --> 00:17:54,232
What the hell?!
471
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:57,969
That's for adding another
tree to One Tree Hill!
472
00:17:58,004 --> 00:18:00,438
Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box!
473
00:18:00,473 --> 00:18:01,740
Holy crap!
474
00:18:01,774 --> 00:18:03,308
We're sunk now, Peter.
475
00:18:03,342 --> 00:18:06,678
There goes your one chance to
get TV back to the way it was.
476
00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:08,580
Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.
477
00:18:08,614 --> 00:18:11,416
I think I just got an idea.
478
00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:13,151
Aah! I got glass in my face!
479
00:18:13,186 --> 00:18:15,620
Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.
480
00:18:15,655 --> 00:18:16,688
I got it!
481
00:18:16,722 --> 00:18:18,190
Aah! Son of a bitch!
482
00:18:21,794 --> 00:18:22,827
You know who I hate?
483
00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:23,862
The troops.
484
00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:25,197
Yeah, me, too.
485
00:18:25,231 --> 00:18:26,731
Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you?
486
00:18:26,766 --> 00:18:27,933
I'm Peter Griffin.
487
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:29,334
I'm the guy who ruined television,
488
00:18:29,368 --> 00:18:30,735
and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it.
489
00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:31,770
Guys!
490
00:18:31,804 --> 00:18:32,804
I broke television,
491
00:18:32,838 --> 00:18:34,339
and now you have to help me fix it!
492
00:18:34,373 --> 00:18:35,473
Yah-ha!
493
00:18:35,508 --> 00:18:37,809
Looks like this is one we beat you to.
494
00:18:41,681 --> 00:18:43,748
Gentlemen, I have
gathered you all here today
495
00:18:43,783 --> 00:18:46,251
because you are the creators
of what television used to be
496
00:18:46,285 --> 00:18:47,652
before I ruined it.
497
00:18:47,687 --> 00:18:50,455
And we need to rebuild
television from the ground up.
498
00:18:50,489 --> 00:18:53,391
So, I'm gonna need all your best ideas.
499
00:18:53,426 --> 00:18:56,127
J.J. Abrams, you take
wonder and complexity
500
00:18:56,162 --> 00:18:58,230
and present it in a way that
no one can possibly understand.
501
00:18:58,264 --> 00:18:59,497
Whaddaya got?!
502
00:18:59,532 --> 00:19:01,466
I've got an alien that goes back in time
503
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:04,369
and encounters a koala bear
in an Eastern European town.
504
00:19:04,403 --> 00:19:05,904
Totally confused. Do it!
505
00:19:05,938 --> 00:19:08,440
Okay, now, we're gonna
need 15 workplace comedies
506
00:19:08,474 --> 00:19:10,308
where people talk to the
camera for some reason.
507
00:19:10,343 --> 00:19:12,344
You, you, you
and you-- go.
508
00:19:13,412 --> 00:19:14,713
When Peter told me to make
509
00:19:14,747 --> 00:19:16,081
a workplace comedy where people talk
510
00:19:16,115 --> 00:19:17,382
to the camera, I thought...
511
00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:19,050
Not now! I mean, go do a show!
512
00:19:19,085 --> 00:19:21,453
Don't-don't do that thing here.
513
00:19:21,487 --> 00:19:22,487
Huh.
514
00:19:22,521 --> 00:19:23,788
Wonder if I can pull off one of those
515
00:19:23,823 --> 00:19:25,824
"can you believe what I
have to put up with" looks
516
00:19:25,858 --> 00:19:27,158
to the camera.
517
00:19:30,096 --> 00:19:32,797
Okay, Mark Burnett, you did
Survivor and The Apprentice.
518
00:19:32,832 --> 00:19:35,600
Can you give me a reality
show where people do horrible,
519
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:37,002
unforgiveable things to each other
520
00:19:37,036 --> 00:19:38,703
for embarrassingly small sums of money?
521
00:19:38,738 --> 00:19:39,871
I got some ideas.
522
00:19:39,905 --> 00:19:42,707
Here's a nickel, pull down your pants.
523
00:19:42,742 --> 00:19:43,942
There's a show.
524
00:19:43,976 --> 00:19:45,243
Yah-ha! Go!
525
00:19:46,679 --> 00:19:48,046
All right, now, who's gonna make a show
526
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:49,147
about horrible New Jersey freaks?
527
00:19:49,181 --> 00:19:50,315
You know what? I don't care.
528
00:19:50,349 --> 00:19:51,349
Just someone, do it!
529
00:19:52,385 --> 00:19:53,585
Okay, Dick Wolf,
530
00:19:53,619 --> 00:19:55,654
make the same Law and Order six times.
531
00:19:55,688 --> 00:19:57,656
Oh, and also, could
you marry Matt Weiner
532
00:19:57,690 --> 00:19:59,758
'cause I want your name
to be Dick "Weener."
533
00:19:59,792 --> 00:20:01,926
Okay, but can I go
by "Dick Wolf-Weener"?
534
00:20:01,961 --> 00:20:03,895
Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Yes!
535
00:20:03,929 --> 00:20:05,530
Okay, Bravo people,
go find women fighting.
536
00:20:05,564 --> 00:20:06,998
No, you know what, just find women.
537
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,266
They'll end up fighting.
538
00:20:08,301 --> 00:20:10,735
All right, everyone who's
left, make a talent show.
539
00:20:10,770 --> 00:20:12,437
We are done.
540
00:20:12,471 --> 00:20:15,707
Oh, Kelsey Grammer, what
are you still doing here?
541
00:20:15,741 --> 00:20:17,042
I-I have nothing left for you.
542
00:20:17,076 --> 00:20:18,243
I'm... I'm sorry.
543
00:20:18,277 --> 00:20:21,980
Ah. Then I shall take
my ease on the lanai.
544
00:20:22,014 --> 00:20:23,648
I don't care what you do now.
545
00:20:27,787 --> 00:20:30,088
TV ANNOUNCER: We now
return to Mike and Molly.
546
00:20:30,122 --> 00:20:31,956
Have you decided what
you'd like to order?
547
00:20:31,991 --> 00:20:33,491
Yes, the chopped salad?
548
00:20:33,526 --> 00:20:35,226
I'll have everything except that.
549
00:20:35,261 --> 00:20:36,294
(studio audience laughing)
550
00:20:36,329 --> 00:20:37,395
(laughing)
551
00:20:37,430 --> 00:20:38,797
That waiter's like, "What?!"
552
00:20:38,831 --> 00:20:39,931
Well, you did it, Peter.
553
00:20:39,965 --> 00:20:41,666
You got TV back to normal.
554
00:20:41,701 --> 00:20:43,802
Yeah, guys, I'm sorry for screwing up
555
00:20:43,836 --> 00:20:45,070
all your favorite shows.
556
00:20:45,104 --> 00:20:46,338
Ah, that's okay, Peter.
557
00:20:46,372 --> 00:20:47,339
So, what do you say?
558
00:20:47,373 --> 00:20:48,640
Are we pals again?
559
00:20:48,674 --> 00:20:50,219
Ah, course we are. You bet.
560
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:52,020
Well, let's drink to having TV
561
00:20:52,055 --> 00:20:54,590
back in the hands of people
who know what they're doing.
562
00:20:55,816 --> 00:20:57,717
I think Zack and Cody would be funnier
563
00:20:57,751 --> 00:20:59,719
if they did the show
in their underpants.