What are you doing? Those are my clothes.
Those are my clothes, what are you doing?
Your fiancée is moving in. I'm making room in your closet.
We are pruning.
Why do you have to say we're pruning?
Why can't you just say "We are throwing crap out?"
Does everything has to be a gay event?
Joe, whenever anything comes out of a closet, it's a gay event.
All right, so, I'm gonna make two piles...
"Donate" and "burn."
Burn. Burn. Burn.
This is too toxic to burn. We'll bury it.
How happy is Ali gonna be that we're moving her in?
Yeah.
I mean, we are a good boyfriend, aren't we?
We are. Yeah, we really, really are. Really, really are.
Hey, what's in that box? I don't know. It's Ali's personal stuff.
How do you know?
It's marked "Ali personal""
ooh, mysterious, sexy... Open it.
No. It's marked "Ali personal""
oh, I get it. You want me to open it.
No. I want you to go home.
Do I need to write that on the box?
Joe, aren't we even the least bit curious what's in this box?
Yes, we are, but we also have a little respect for my fiancée.
What if it's a gun? What if it's a gun and a wig?
What if it's a gun and a wig and four passports?
Then I think it might be in the box marked
"Ali spy stuff."
Wouldn't it be fabulous if Ali had a box of spy stuff?
She'd probably mark it "Ali personal."
I'm not opening the box.
Joe, I am not suggesting that you should open the box.
I'm just saying if it were to... Oh, I don't know...
Fall off of a table while you happen to be holding scissors...
Snipping at the air...
And how often do you find yourself snipping at the air?
When are boxes are falling? All the time.
No, okay?
Ali's gonna be home soon,
See you tomorrow at the orifice, Viv.
Don't call me "Viv." No?
No, I'm... that's not... I'm not...
I-I don't want to participate in any of that.
All right. Hey, I have an idea.
Let's open the box.
I'm not opening the box.
Okay.
[ Door closes ]
I'm opening the box.
[ Imagine dragons' "on top of the world" plays ]
♪ 'cause I'm on top of the world, hey! ♪
♪ I'm on top of the world, hey! ♪
♪ waiting on this for a while now ♪
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
♪ I'm on top of the world
what's that?
What does it look like?
It looks like a photograph.
Of? Uh, is that Derek Jeter?
Looks like handsome yankee shortstop
of indeterminate race Derek Jeter,
lounging by a pool at the Hard Rock hotel.
- He's wearing a swimsuit. - Notice anything else?
[ Singsong voice ] He looks good.
That's a really big daiquiri.
And... and what about the girl?
[ Normal voice ] Oh, her? Oh, I don't know.
Probably some Vegas trash he picked up by the pool...
Over-processed hair, circa 2001, too tan, horrible makeup...
That's Ali.
Let me finish.
Oh, look at her teeth. They're gorgeous.
They're... They're blue-white.
Ali and Derek Jeter.
What?!
Okay. Let's not jump to conclusions.
Maybe they were just friends.
Yeah, maybe. Except for one thing...
That's Derek Jeter... On a lounge chair...
With Ali at the Hard Rock in Vegas
with six inches of clothing and five feet of drinks.
What?!
Okay. Where'd you find this? Yeah, come on.
You know... you know... You know where I found it.
I was snipping at the air.
[ Laughing ] Wow.
Ali went from Derek Jeter to you.
She obviously has a type.
Why wouldn't she tell me?
I-I-I mean, if I had slept with Derek Jeter,
that would have been, like, the first thing I ever told her.
And the last.
She probably just didn't want to upset you.
You know, the idea of Ali and Derek Jeter
getting to third base.
Please stop. That doesn't feel good.
Words Ali never said to Derek Jeter.
Okay, how much longer is this gonna go on?
Words Ali might have said to Derek Jeter.
I'll tell you what. You get one more of those.
Jeter wanted one more, but... No, no, you know what?
I'm gonna save it.
Listen, what am I gonna do?
I need to talk to her about this.
Well, then, just talk to her.
No, I can't.
I have no way of bringing it up
without getting in trouble for opening her personal box.
Jeter opened up her pers... Nope.
Really? Okay.
Self-control, self-control.
Will you just please help me? Yes, sorry. Okay, okay, here's an idea.
Why don't we just break into her... Just stop.
What? Any idea that starts with the phrase
"why don't we break into..." Is a bad idea.
Okay! Okay! I've got it.
The four of us are having dinner tomorrow night, right?
How about instead of watching a marathon of "swamp people""
we make it a game night?
We'll play "celebrity""
and we'll put Derek Jeter's name into the hat,
and then when his name is picked,
Ali is going to have to say, "oh, my God.
"Didn't I ever tell you about the time
that Derek Jeter and I had hot desert sex""
that is, like...
The perfect plan.
How did you come up with that so fast? I'm kind of an evil genius.
And I just love playing "celebrity."
I love it. I love it so much.
Remember, this game is just to get Ali to tell us, okay? Yeah, yeah...
No, no... don't get all intense. Of course, of course.
But it is a game of "celebrit"" and somebody has to win,
so it might as well be me or you.
Doesn't matter. Probably me. Definitely me!
This conversation never happened. No.
Right, right? Yeah, yeah.
The whole Derek Jeter thing stays in the tent.
Of course... Stays in the tent.
Okay, good. So that's what we'll do.
We'll play "celebrity."
We'll plant Jeter's name in the bowl.
Just like Jeter planted it into Ali.
That's it? That's the one you saved for?
Yeah, well, I would have had a really good one if it was a-rod.
So, this woman came into the emergency room today
and gave birth to this preemie.
It was so teeny-tiny
that you could hold it in the palm of your hands,
and the mother, with tears streaming down her cheeks,
said to me...
Let's play "celebrity"!
My celebrity names are already in the bowl.
You guys write yours down and put them in,
and when I come back, we're gonna play "celebrity""
I love it! I love it so much!
I have to go to the bathroom.
Look at me. We're gonna crush them!
Oh, my lord. Oh, my lord. Oh, my lord.
Wyatt, are you okay?
I'm not. I hate this. I really hate this.
I thought we were gonna watch "swamp people."
They said we were gonna watch "swamp people."
It's just a game. Not to Louis.
To Louis, this is a test, and I will fail.
I don't know who any celebrities are.
Well, did you really have no TV when you were a child?
No. Mennonites are not allowed to watch TV.
We had one.
We just weren't allowed to plug it in.
We played other games with it like "leapfrog" and "hey, box."
And that's why you left the church?
That, and I love sleeping with men.
But mostly the TV thing.
I hate game night. Why is this happening?
I was told we were watching "swamp people."
Wyatt, relax. I can't relax.
You know how he is, Joe.
He broke up with Steven during a game of "charades."
That's insane. There had to be other reasons.
No, there weren't. And frankly, Louis was right.
I mean, you can't be with a guy who thinks that this...
Is "rocky" when, you know, this is "rocky."
Who's rocky?
Oh, come on.
I'm leaving. Wait, wait.
If this is how you feel, we'll just play something else.
What? Uh, no. [ Chuckles nervously ]
No, we are playing "celebrity."
We can't play anything else. Oh, no.
Maybe... here. Look, see, the names are in the bowl.
T-there's no turning back now.
You see that the names are in the bowl?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're in too deep, folks.
We're in too deep.
Okay.
We'll make sure that Louis doesn't get too intense.
Oh, trust me. I know Louis.
He'll be... he'll be fine. This is just a game.
Whoo! All right! You're going down!
Let's do this!
Aah!
Okay, you said you'd be attracted to her
if she was a boy. Uh...
Newsbian... Rachel Maddow!
Yes.
Um...
Looks like a cross between my aunt pearl and an owl.
Larry king. Yes.
Yeah! And, uh, oh!
My mother and her neighbor Claire
think I'm the shorter version of him. Alec Baldwin!
Correct! No, not correct.
No one thinks that... not your mother, not Claire. Time.
How many? Seven.
Not bad, but we will do better, won't we?
Well, I think what's important is that we try as hard as...
All right. Man up. It's winning time.
All right, ready?
And... go.
Come on, baby. Come on. Just say anything... anything.
Oh, my gosh. This is hard.
Channing Tatum!
No, I mean the clue is hard.
Oh, for God's sake, is it a man or a woman?
A woman... Or maybe it's a man?
Leslie Nielsen! Oh, my gosh. That's right. How did you know that?
Shut up. Keep going.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Just say whatever comes. Oh, okay.
Come on, what do you know? What do you know about him? What do you know?
Well, uh, uh, we were talking about this person last night.
John Travolta. Kevin spacey. Tom cruise. Will Smith.
Eddie Murphy. Abraham Lincoln!
No. No. He... he...
What? What? What is it? What? What? [ Stammering ]
He what? What? He what? Uh, 10 seconds.
Damn it, Wyatt! He had hot desert sex with Ali!
Derek Jeter! Next!
What?! What?! What?
Joe! Louis! Wyatt.
We were supposed to be watching "swamp people"!
Why did you tell Wyatt about Ali and Derek Jeter?
that was supposed to stay in the tent.
He's my boyfriend. He's in the tent with us.
It's a three-person tent.
I don't even know what show Derek Jeter's on.
Oh...
Are you trying to hurt me?
Maybe you should go.
I think you're right.
Not you.
Wonderful evening.
So glad you liked the guacamole.
I'll just get the bowl back later.
You know what? I'm gonna take it now.
I know you won't wash it right.
You know what? This is your fault.
This is your fault for not telling me about your past.
I should be mad at you right now.
Are you really trying to take the moral high ground?
I'm trying anything.
I cannot believe you slept with Derek Jeter.
If it bothered you,
why didn't you come to me instead of going to Louis?
Because then I'd have to tell you that I went through your stuff.
You went through my stuff?
No!
The box fell over... Onto a scissors...
Which was snipping the air.
Oh, my God.
We're engaged.
We shouldn't be keeping stuff like that from each other.
I need to know right now. Are you a spy?
Joe!
There was nothing to keep.
The thing with D.J. Meant nothing.
D... D... D.J.?
Ohh. Honey, it was years ago.
I was in Vegas doing a jewelry show,
and he was in Vegas after the 2001 world series.
It was one weekend by the pool at Caesars Palace.
Wait, in the picture I saw, you were at the Hard Rock.
Two weekends.
Different world series... They're a very good team.
All right. You know what? You know what?
If you're gonna do this,
oh, then I'm gonna tell you about my celebrity encounter.
Joe, you don't have to do this.
Get in the cellar, because I am about to... to drop a bomb.
Cindy Cchmertzen. Boom.
Who is Cindy Schmertzenboom?
No, no. No, no, not... Not Cindy Schmertzenboom.
Cindy Cchmertzen... Bomb going off.
Boom!
She was huge in the Metro Buffalo area.
Yeah, she was the local weather girl
for the CBS affiliate up there.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, "the face of the lake," Cindy Cchmertzen.
Yeah.
She was instrumental in getting doppler radar
for that part of... of erie county.
Very... very handsome woman... Hearty.
And, yeah, we had... physical love.
Wow. I... don't know what to say.
There's nothing to say.
We were both with celebrities.
You were with Derek Jeter, and I was with Cindy Cchmertzen.
So, I guess we're even.
I-I guess that... That we are.
Okay.
I can't believe you slept with Derek Jeter!
What happened tonight was awful. I know.
I've never seen anybody stop a game of "celebrity" mid-round.
Technically, they forfeited.
Louis, Joe and Ali are fighting right now, and it's our fault.
Well, I mean, hush puppy,
you should never have given me that clue.
I mean, what were you thinking?
I wasn't thinking... because you put too much pressure on me.
What are you talking about?
[ Sighs ]
I don't want to play "celebrit"" with you anymore.
What are you talking about?
We're gay. We have to play "celebrity""
we're too young to start antiquing.
I don't like who you become, and I don't like who I become.
I mean, listen to me.
I'm screaming at you.
I'm just having fun. Well, it doesn't feel that way.
It feels like you make this into a test
of whether or not you should be with me.
Just like with you and Steven.
Well, this is not "rocky""
but, look, I didn't love Steven.
I love you, and I believe in you.
You do?
Yes, I believe you can be better at "celebrity."
You know what?
I'm gonna go do 100 push-ups and go to bed.
No, no, no, no, no. We can't go to bed mad.
What if tonight's the night I get kidnapped?
Just play "celebrity" with them, and they'll send you back.
Please, look, I can be better. Give me another chance.
How? [ Sighs ]
We'll have another game night here tomorrow.
And no pressure. It'll just be for fun.
I don't think so, Louis.
Come on, hush puppy, give me another chance.
Okay. We'll play tomorrow.
Okay, great, great.
And you'll see.
I will be a kinder, gentler Louis.
I'll be sweet and supportive
and just a little bit withholding like Julie Andrews.
Mary Poppins.
Do your push-ups.
Stop turning this around, Joe.
The issue is not that I had three meaningless weekends
with somebody 10 years ago.
Three? I thought it was two.
Did I say three? I meant to say two. So, it was only two.
No, it was three, but I meant to say two.
That's not important.
What's important is that you found out something about me,
and you immediately ran to Louis.
That's a problem.
Hey, hey. In fairness to me, I didn't run.
I waited till the next morning, and I walked it in.
Although, in fairness to you, I ran before I walked.
Although, in fairness to me,
that was just to get my cardio in.
Joe, I want to know that if we have something private,
we have our own tent...
A tent that Louis cannot get into.
We do have our own tent. Okay?
This was a one-time transgression.
It's the uh, it's the Jeter exception, okay?
Anything you tell me from now on stays in our tent.
Okay. Okay?
Okay. All right.
So, there's not gonna be a Timberlake exception?
A what, now?
Well, if we're gonna do this,
let's just get it all out there.
I also had a thing with Justin Timberlake.
Justin Timberlake?
How many celebrities have you been with?
You're like the female... Aah!
The only person I can think of
that's been with a lot of celebrities is Derek Jeter.
That was it, and it was no big deal.
You know I bartended to put myself through art school.
That's where I met J.T.
J... J... J.T.?
Justin came into the bar one night.
We had a couple of laughs, and what can I say?
We had physical love.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Nothing, Joe.
It's something personal between us that stays between us.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Stays between us.
Okay.
You know, I could have had both Cchmertzen sisters.
Cindy and Mindy.
Guys, before we play the game, I'd just like to say something.
Last night, Wyatt pointed out to me
that I may have been a little bit too invested
in who won and who lost.
You forfeited, we won... Not important.
What is important
is that tonight is about friends being together
no matter who wins and who loses.
And the important thing is that I am here
for my partner, Wyatt.
You can be on Ali's team if you want.
Yes! We're gonna crush them!
Crush them with love.
Well, looks like it's gonna be you and me, h-hush puppy.
I'll try to be nice. I've heard about your temper.
Um, um, um, tan... Uh, uh, uh... brown eyes...
Lorenzo lamas. Yes!
How the hell did you get Lorenzo lamas?
And Lorenzo lamas? The game is called "celebrity."
Eight.
Eight... I got eight.
I guess I am pretty good at this when the pressure's off.
Well, the pressure's about to be back on,
and I say that as a better person.
All right. It's you and me, pal.
Put your thinking boobs on. On and ready.
All right. You need to get nine to win.
Ready? Go.
Uh... uh... gold medal, probably held back a year. Ryan Lochte.
Yes! End of civilization.
Honey boo boo. Yes!
Uh, never should have worn that to the Oscars.
Angelina Jolie. Other one.
Tilda Swinton. Yes!
Sex tape... boat.
Pamela Anderson. Yes.
Sex tape... butt.
Kim Kardashian. Yeah.
Uh, sex tape... yummy.
Colin Farrell. Yeah.
Uh, just don't get it. Kristen Stewart.
Aah! Um...
Put your leg back in your dress. That one's Angelina Jolie!
Yes! Okay. This one's for the win. All right! Give it to me, baby!
The other celebrity I slept with.
Uh... the other celebrity you slept with?
Besides Derek Jeter? Don't look at me.
15 seconds. But I have no idea who the other...
Give me another clue. The other celebrity I slept with.
But I don't know the other celebrity you slept with. 10 seconds.
Come on. Come on. Give me anything!
Hair color, gender, number of D.U.I.S.
Five, four... I guess we're gonna lose.
No! But this isn't fair! There's no way I could possibly know it.
It was Justin Timberlake.
Time!
Boom!
What... What am I supposed to do?
You slept with Justin Timberlake.
How do I keep that inside?
I never slept with Justin Timberlake. Oh, that's great.
I was testing you, and you failed.
Oh! That's bad.
I can't believe I couldn't trust you with this.
- I'm going home. - Come on, Ali...
No, I don't want to hear it, Joe.
Hey, hey.
Listen, I know your mind is elsewhere,
but... just to be clear, I won.
Hey. Where were you?
I went for a walk. Listen, Joe, I was thinking.
I was wrong.
I know that. I was wrong.
I should have never told Louis anything,
and I may have exaggerated the appeal of Cindy Cchmertzen.
She was a big woman.
When I said she was huge in Buffalo, I meant it literally.
Well, I'm sure she had a nice personality.
She was awful. She hit me once.
When I left Louis and Wyatt's, I was angry.
What... what... What do you want me to say?
I mean, you hit a home run with a famous yankee,
and I got a mediocre "yanky" from Cindy Cchmertzen.
She was wearing mittens.
Okay, Joe... please stop.
I get it, all right?
You've been going to Louis with your problems forever.
So, I can either spend the next 50 years
being angry about it,
or accept that this is who I'm marrying.
Yeah? Yeah.
And besides, he always sends you back to me a little happier.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
You're about to get luckier.
Meet me in the bedroom.
I'll get the mittens.
Okay, I promise to start keeping things from Louis.
Aw, that's sweet, but I don't believe you.
Why not?
She can still see you, Louis.
What?
Well, now that you've said something...
Good night, Louis. Good night, Wyatt.
Well, hey, they were just here in case I needed backup.
You know, I didn't think you'd be so cool about everything.
I love you.
I love you, too, Joe.