1
00:00:03,259 --> 00:00:04,983
You ever wonder why
in all these scary movies
2
00:00:04,984 --> 00:00:07,352
you never see
one fat vampire?
3
00:00:08,354 --> 00:00:10,688
That's easy... they
drink nothing but blood
4
00:00:10,690 --> 00:00:13,291
and that's
pure protein.
5
00:00:13,293 --> 00:00:15,360
Oh, yeah,
there's no carbs.
6
00:00:15,362 --> 00:00:17,579
Exactly. If I could
stand the taste of it,
7
00:00:17,581 --> 00:00:19,464
I'd fill up my
sports bottle.
8
00:00:20,299 --> 00:00:21,633
It's not just vampires.
9
00:00:21,635 --> 00:00:23,301
There are no
chubby monsters.
10
00:00:23,303 --> 00:00:24,302
Not true.
11
00:00:24,304 --> 00:00:26,421
Godzilla kind of
had a gut.
12
00:00:27,390 --> 00:00:29,557
Nah, he just lived in
Tokyo, so he ate nothing
13
00:00:29,559 --> 00:00:32,911
but people filled with
white rice and MSG.
14
00:00:32,913 --> 00:00:35,096
(chuckles)
15
00:00:36,315 --> 00:00:37,816
You're smart.
16
00:00:37,818 --> 00:00:39,017
(laughs)
17
00:00:40,552 --> 00:00:42,687
I love our little talks.
18
00:00:42,689 --> 00:00:44,255
(chuckles)
19
00:00:44,257 --> 00:00:45,724
What is it?
Food in the tooth
20
00:00:45,726 --> 00:00:48,526
or bat in the cave?
No, no, no, you're fine.
21
00:00:49,362 --> 00:00:50,628
I was actually just...
22
00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:53,031
thinking how fun it would be
to have our own little...
23
00:00:53,033 --> 00:00:54,833
monster sitting
here between us.
24
00:00:54,835 --> 00:00:58,036
I thought your mom
hated scary movies.
25
00:00:58,038 --> 00:01:00,255
I'm talking about
a baby, you know?
26
00:01:00,257 --> 00:01:02,791
Bringing a little me
and you into the world.
27
00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:05,543
And you really imagine it
being little, huh?
28
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:09,614
As long as it doesn't have
that big pumpkin head of yours.
29
00:01:09,616 --> 00:01:12,667
If I see Charlie Brown on the
sonogram, he's staying in there.
30
00:01:13,519 --> 00:01:15,220
All right,
you talked me into it.
31
00:01:15,222 --> 00:01:16,521
Let's knock you up.
32
00:01:16,523 --> 00:01:17,939
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, we...
33
00:01:17,941 --> 00:01:20,475
need to discuss the
logistic of this first.
34
00:01:20,477 --> 00:01:22,477
Hey, I know how
to make a baby...
35
00:01:22,479 --> 00:01:24,696
we just do it the way
we've been doing it,
36
00:01:24,698 --> 00:01:26,681
but no slicker on the vicar.
37
00:01:27,967 --> 00:01:30,118
Mike, we...
38
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,987
we have no money, we live in
a house with three other people
39
00:01:32,989 --> 00:01:35,990
and you're still calling
your penis "the vicar""
40
00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:40,161
I won't say it
around the kid.
41
00:01:40,963 --> 00:01:42,947
The point is we both
want a family,
42
00:01:42,949 --> 00:01:45,350
and all that other stuff
will work itself out.
43
00:01:45,352 --> 00:01:48,336
We're talking about another
human being. I mean...
44
00:01:48,338 --> 00:01:50,622
well, a life that
we're responsible for
45
00:01:50,624 --> 00:01:52,173
for at least 18 years.
46
00:01:52,175 --> 00:01:53,408
At least 18?
Look at you...
47
00:01:53,410 --> 00:01:54,692
you still live
with your mother.
48
00:01:54,694 --> 00:01:56,811
We sleep in ur childhood bed.
Wh...
49
00:01:58,564 --> 00:02:01,783
Hey, that's my big-girl bed,
and I bought it myself.
50
00:02:01,785 --> 00:02:03,284
Granted, Mom loaned
me the money,
51
00:02:03,286 --> 00:02:04,986
but I think she
forgot it, so...
52
00:02:04,988 --> 00:02:07,205
technically, it's mine.
53
00:02:08,574 --> 00:02:11,109
Well, I guess, when you
weigh the pros and cons,
54
00:02:11,111 --> 00:02:14,662
maybe it doesn't make sense
for us to have a kid right now.
55
00:02:14,664 --> 00:02:16,414
Yeah, I... I agree.
56
00:02:16,416 --> 00:02:18,466
You know, smart
thing is...
57
00:02:18,468 --> 00:02:20,668
is to wait.
58
00:02:21,921 --> 00:02:23,321
Although...
59
00:02:23,323 --> 00:02:26,091
if our folks would've waited
for the perfect time,
60
00:02:26,093 --> 00:02:28,093
you and I probably
wouldn't be here.
61
00:02:28,095 --> 00:02:30,195
Mmm. The way my
mom tells it,
62
00:02:30,197 --> 00:02:34,432
I owe my existence to a tight
tube top and a loose condom.
63
00:02:35,518 --> 00:02:38,736
I was makeup sex after
an ugly New Year's Eve party.
64
00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:42,707
I'm guessing the sex
wasn't pretty, either.
65
00:02:44,844 --> 00:02:47,178
What are you thinking?
66
00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:49,547
Well, this movie stinks,
67
00:02:49,549 --> 00:02:51,916
we got the whole house
to ourselves,
68
00:02:51,918 --> 00:02:54,686
we've been talking about sex
for the last five minutes.
69
00:02:54,688 --> 00:02:57,622
You're the smart one...
what do you think I'm thinking?
70
00:02:59,391 --> 00:03:01,793
Get your vicar
up the stairs.
71
00:03:03,579 --> 00:03:08,433
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
72
00:03:08,435 --> 00:03:11,786
♪ I see love. ♪
73
00:03:11,787 --> 00:03:14,807
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
74
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,239
MIKE:
♪ You're having my baby ♪
75
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,924
♪ What a lovely way ♪
76
00:03:28,926 --> 00:03:31,243
♪ Of saying
how much you love me ♪
77
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:33,745
♪ You're having my baby. ♪
78
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,097
You realize we actually
79
00:03:35,099 --> 00:03:37,049
have to do it first,
and singing that song
80
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:38,917
isn't exactly setting off
my smoke alarm.
81
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,302
(chuckles)
I'm just a little nervous.
82
00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,420
This is the first time
we're going to have sex
83
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:43,772
for the reason God intended.
84
00:03:43,774 --> 00:03:45,424
Well, do your job right,
and I'll give him
85
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,443
a couple of shout-outs when
we're in the thick of things.
86
00:03:47,445 --> 00:03:48,944
(laughs)
87
00:03:48,946 --> 00:03:50,062
All right.
88
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,763
Let's put a toddler
in your tank.
89
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,398
(chuckles)
90
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,983
Yeah, sweetie,
I really...
91
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,601
appreciate your
enthusiasm, but,
92
00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:58,971
you know, it probably
won't happen the first time.
93
00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:00,405
Don't underestimate my sperm.
94
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,292
They're like red ants
on a wet Smartie.
95
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,712
I can't believe
I'm gonna say this, but...
96
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:09,131
I actually prefer
the singing to the talking.
97
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:11,717
♪ You're having my baby. ♪
98
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:14,452
Wait. I'm gonna put on
my lucky Cubs hat.
99
00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:16,088
Are you kidding?
100
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:19,041
Hey. Almost everything good
that's ever happened to me,
101
00:04:19,043 --> 00:04:20,175
I was wearing that hat,
102
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:22,845
including the first time
I laid eyes on you.
103
00:04:23,546 --> 00:04:25,481
(softly):
Get the hat.
104
00:04:27,150 --> 00:04:29,852
What the hell? Maybe I'll put on
my lucky lotto bra.
105
00:04:37,643 --> 00:04:38,861
I am telling you, Carl,
106
00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:42,915
reproductive sex is
the best kind of sex.
107
00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:45,250
It's got all the fun
of regular sex,
108
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:47,369
but with a prize at the end.
109
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,423
It's like Cracker Jacks.
110
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,041
Can we talk about something
111
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:55,511
other than the fact
that you got laid?
112
00:04:55,513 --> 00:04:57,129
I didn't just "get laid."
113
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,598
I was making love to my soul mate,
Oh.
114
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,384
Participating in the creation
of another human life.
115
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:04,669
What did you do last night?
116
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:06,755
I watched porn
and had sex with myself.
117
00:05:06,757 --> 00:05:08,690
(groans)
118
00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:12,177
Which was also beautiful.
(groans)
119
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,229
You know what,
breakfast is on me.
120
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,480
SAMUEL:
Oh, wonderful.
121
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,816
And will my insulting tip be
in nickels and pennies
122
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,818
or in lint-covered Life Savers?
123
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,455
Why don't you celebrate
President's Day
124
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:26,041
with Mr. Lincoln and
Mr. Washington.
125
00:05:26,043 --> 00:05:27,859
Mm-hmm.
126
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,628
They're real.
127
00:05:31,214 --> 00:05:32,664
Yeah, well, you understand
my suspicions.
128
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,249
You've never given me
a Washington
129
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,501
and a Lincoln in paper form.
130
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:37,886
I'm in a good mood...
131
00:05:37,888 --> 00:05:39,888
Molly and I are trying
to get pregnant.
132
00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:41,723
Oh, congratulations.
133
00:05:41,725 --> 00:05:44,476
I guess you'll be eating
for two now.
134
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:50,249
He's been eating for two
ever since he was two.
135
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,517
I'm saying we're trying,
136
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,269
but I'm guessing last night took.
Mmm.
137
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:56,054
If my sperm
are anything like me,
138
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,023
they're determined swimmers.
139
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,608
If your sperm
are anything like you,
140
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:00,909
they're floating
in the kiddie pool
141
00:06:00,911 --> 00:06:03,478
wearing water wings
and eating Dreamsicles.
142
00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:13,005
Boy, you're in a mood.
143
00:06:13,007 --> 00:06:15,123
Hey, I just broke up
with my girlfriend.
144
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:18,093
I don't want to hear
how happy and in love you are.
145
00:06:18,095 --> 00:06:20,462
I understand
and I apologize.
146
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:23,799
In my excitement, I forgot
you'd recently been crapped on.
147
00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,250
Just dial it back.
148
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,219
If you're gonna be a father
someday, you got to recognize
149
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,271
the needs of a vulnerable
and fragile creature.
150
00:06:29,273 --> 00:06:31,823
Just... just think of me
as an emotional newborn.
151
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,892
I usually do. I'm sorry.
152
00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:38,313
(Victoria and Molly laugh)
153
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,764
(laughing):
Okay, okay, okay,
154
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,867
we are technically
trying to get pregnant,
155
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,601
but, you know... we're just not
telling everybody
156
00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:45,170
and making a big deal out of it.
157
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,456
That's best. Once you raise
people's expectations,
158
00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,446
it puts too much pressure
on the relationship.
159
00:06:49,447 --> 00:06:50,459
JOYCE: Exactly.
160
00:06:50,461 --> 00:06:52,777
And it takes all the fun
out of making the baby.
161
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:55,047
And you better have fun now,
because once you have kids,
162
00:06:55,049 --> 00:06:56,798
your life is gonna change.
163
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,085
Tell me about it...
your dad and I had a ball
164
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,720
before you girls were born.
165
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,841
I mean, I-I'm not saying
our lives ended;
166
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:07,559
Just the good parts.
167
00:07:08,627 --> 00:07:11,997
But having children brought
you a lot of joy, right?
168
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,348
Eh.
169
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,001
A couple laughs
here and there,
170
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,970
but mostly just trying to keep
you little idiots alive.
171
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,689
"Idiots"?
"Idiots"? Mom!
172
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:22,741
Have you ever met a toddler,
hmm?
173
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,776
Dumb as rocks.
174
00:07:25,644 --> 00:07:28,363
You'd chase a firefly
in front of a bus,
175
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,698
and you were a biter.
176
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,116
People, cats,
177
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,617
extension cords.
178
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,120
We almost had to put
a cone on you.
179
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,589
(laughing)
180
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,492
It is a lot of hard work, but
there are a lot of rewards, too.
181
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,961
Yeah, that's what people tell
you, but people are liars.
182
00:07:44,013 --> 00:07:49,384
VICTORIA:
There's Papa Bear,
183
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,019
Stop it.
184
00:07:51,021 --> 00:07:52,688
Hey, sweetie. How was your day?
185
00:07:52,690 --> 00:07:53,855
Good.
186
00:07:53,857 --> 00:07:55,190
What are you ladies doing?
187
00:07:55,192 --> 00:07:57,275
Oh, just listening
to Mom talk about her...
188
00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,028
little bundles
of regret.
189
00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:04,849
Christina, you're here.
190
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:06,368
Hey, Mike.
How you doing?
191
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:08,036
I'm doing good.
Life is good.
192
00:08:08,038 --> 00:08:09,454
Enjoy it
while you can.
193
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:11,356
Before you know it,
you'll be sleep-deprived
194
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,826
and trying to pry your kid's
teeth off a cat's tail.
195
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,715
Can I talk to you for a second upstairs?
Sure.
196
00:08:19,717 --> 00:08:21,800
Ooh! Upstairs!
"Upstairs." Whoo!
197
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,652
Stop it, you guys.
198
00:08:23,654 --> 00:08:25,320
This will just
take a minute.
199
00:08:25,322 --> 00:08:27,539
Ooh, a quickie!
200
00:08:28,891 --> 00:08:30,559
After you have kids,
201
00:08:30,561 --> 00:08:32,260
all you get are quickies.
202
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,546
Foreplay is putting out
your cigarette
203
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:37,833
and moving your underwear
off to the side.
204
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,655
(quietly):
What the hell is she doing here?
205
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,857
She's my mother,
and it's her house.
206
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:49,578
Not her. Christina.
I invited her.
207
00:08:49,580 --> 00:08:51,613
Well, she's the enemy now.
Get her out of here,
208
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:54,416
and use the back door in case Carl drives by.
No.
209
00:08:54,418 --> 00:08:56,735
She was in my wedding,
and she's my friend.
210
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,903
Hey, I like her, too,
but she dumped my partner,
211
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:00,839
my best friend,
so she's dead to us.
212
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,040
Like that Italian
restaurant
213
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,576
that started charging
for garlic bread.
214
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,094
Mike, this isn't high school.
215
00:09:06,096 --> 00:09:08,046
I'm not gonna stop hanging out
with Christina
216
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,748
'cause she broke up with Carl
before the big game.
217
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,750
This isn't about Carl;
It's about me.
218
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:14,686
He doesn't keep his unhappiness
to himself.
219
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,772
He spreads it around
like head lice.
220
00:09:17,607 --> 00:09:19,090
Wh-Wh-What are you doing?
221
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,942
After you give Christina
the heave-ho,
222
00:09:20,944 --> 00:09:23,912
I thought, well, you and I
could have baby sex.
223
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:26,598
Well, I-I'm sorry
to disappoint you,
224
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,700
but I'm not giving
Christina the heave-ho.
225
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:32,287
So is that a no on the baby sex?
226
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,240
I didn't say that.
227
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:38,126
But no kissing. I'm mad at you.
228
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:47,602
Morning.
229
00:09:47,604 --> 00:09:49,304
Morning, Little Mama.
230
00:09:49,306 --> 00:09:52,307
So, what have you been
thinking about for names?
231
00:09:52,309 --> 00:09:54,810
Vince, it's a little early
to start picking out baby names.
232
00:09:54,812 --> 00:09:56,895
Not for the baby; for me.
233
00:09:56,897 --> 00:10:00,298
I don't like Poppy,
Pop-Pop or Pee-Paw.
234
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,350
None of the "P"s.
235
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:06,471
Okay, so Poop Face, Peckerhead,
and Pain In The Ass are out?
236
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,406
Yes.
237
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:13,478
I'd prefer Granddaddy, Gramps
or Grand Master Grampy.
238
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,747
All right, well, if I ever let
you anywhere near my child,
239
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,315
I'll give him a list.
240
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,316
Knock, knock.
241
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,784
Hey, is Mike ready to go?
242
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,203
Hey, he's running a little late
this morning.
243
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,287
I'll let him know you're here.
244
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,922
She's burning his candle
at both ends,
245
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,257
and by "candle," I mean...
246
00:10:25,259 --> 00:10:26,591
Shut up, Poop Pop!
247
00:10:27,743 --> 00:10:29,744
Mike, Carl's here!
248
00:10:29,746 --> 00:10:31,830
MIKE:
Down in a minute!
249
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,466
Hmm. Can I ask you something?
250
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:35,884
Sure.
Um,
251
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,486
I know you and Christina are on
the outs, but you're okay
252
00:10:38,488 --> 00:10:41,356
with... me and her, you know,
staying friends, right?
253
00:10:41,358 --> 00:10:43,108
Of course.
Why wouldn't I be?
254
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,342
That's what I told Mike.
255
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,895
He said that he thinks
you expect me to choose sides.
256
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:48,480
He said that about me?
257
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:49,614
(scoffs)
258
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,733
He really does not know people.
259
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,202
So, you're okay with us being friends?
Yeah!
260
00:10:54,204 --> 00:10:56,187
I mean, just because it didn't
work out between the two of us
261
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,156
doesn't mean I don't want it to
work out between the two of you.
262
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,041
I knew you'd say that.
Yeah.
263
00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:01,660
It's very evolved of you.
264
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,712
I believe in taking
the high road.
265
00:11:03,714 --> 00:11:05,714
A lot less traffic.
266
00:11:06,549 --> 00:11:07,632
Let's roll.
267
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,851
Bye, Molly.
Bye.
268
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,259
You know the great thing
about trying to make a baby?
269
00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:19,144
You sleep like a baby!
270
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,263
I don't know how
you sleep at all,
271
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:24,716
you duplicitous,
lying backstabber.
272
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,803
Sounds like somebody
missed breakfast.
273
00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:45,703
Come on, Carl.
274
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,205
I'm just as upset about
this whole thing as you are.
275
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,740
Oh, really?
276
00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:52,459
Absolutely. When I walked in the
house and saw Christina there,
277
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,244
I felt just as betrayed
as you did.
278
00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:55,445
Hang on a second.
279
00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:57,781
She's been inside your home?
280
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,801
Technically,
it's not my home.
281
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,137
It's Molly's,
and I have no pull there.
282
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,222
I'm basically
just an outside dog
283
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,708
that gets to sleep
on the bed.
284
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:08,959
Hey, it's your life, man.
285
00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:10,677
If you want to be
friends with Christina,
286
00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:12,129
it's none of my business.
287
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:13,847
I don't want to be friends
with Christina.
288
00:12:13,849 --> 00:12:15,632
In fact,
I was just being nice to her
289
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:16,967
because she was dating you.
290
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:19,636
Oh, so your two-faced nature
is not exclusive to just me.
291
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:23,941
All right, clearly you're not
in the mood to listen.
292
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:26,360
I'm not talking to you
for the rest of the day.
293
00:12:26,362 --> 00:12:27,745
You hungry?
Yes.
294
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,246
You talked to me.
295
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,198
Shut up and drive.
You talked again.
296
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,584
(yells)
297
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,503
I'm just saying,
be careful.
298
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,789
You think your kids are gonna
fly the coop at 18,
299
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:40,307
but they never do.
300
00:12:42,043 --> 00:12:44,778
At this point,
I'd settle for 40.
301
00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:46,764
All right, I get it, Mom.
302
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,165
I ruined your life.
303
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,068
Whoa, where did that come from?
304
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,938
Oh, hey, honey.
How was your day?
305
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,473
Let me explain something to you.
306
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,225
The relationship
between two cops
307
00:12:58,227 --> 00:13:00,510
is built on trust,
and when that trust is broken,
308
00:13:00,512 --> 00:13:01,979
bad things happen.
309
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:02,996
What are you talking about?
310
00:13:02,998 --> 00:13:06,116
I got tagged.
311
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:07,918
Are you happy now?
312
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,686
Wait.
313
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:14,007
Wow, now he looks even more
like an abandoned building.
314
00:13:14,009 --> 00:13:15,409
Wait.
315
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:16,660
What happened?
316
00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:18,962
I was trying to apprehend
some kid with a spray can
317
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:22,049
and another kid snuck up
behind me and did this.
318
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,551
How long did it take
you to realize it?
319
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:27,404
'Cause there's a lot of
detail work in this.
320
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:30,791
And you know what Carl was doing
while I was being defaced?
321
00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,510
De-laughing?
322
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,263
This is on you.
323
00:13:36,265 --> 00:13:37,981
You didn't take his side
against Christina,
324
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:40,284
and now my partner
no longer has my back,
325
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:42,269
my big, spray-painted back.
326
00:13:42,271 --> 00:13:45,739
I'm sorry this happened,
but I'm not choosing sides.
327
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,691
MIKE: Fine, but good luck
getting sperm
328
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:48,826
from a dead man!
329
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,696
I do it every night
you eat pizza.
330
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,898
(monsters growling over TV)
331
00:13:57,302 --> 00:14:00,103
Not one monster of color.
332
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:03,573
They'll let the lagoon be black,
but not the creature.
333
00:14:04,909 --> 00:14:07,077
(doorbell rings)
334
00:14:12,784 --> 00:14:13,917
Hey.
Hi, Carl.
335
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:16,136
Sorry to just stop by like this.
336
00:14:16,138 --> 00:14:17,304
If you and Mike
are having troubles,
337
00:14:17,306 --> 00:14:19,022
I don't want to get
in the middle of it.
338
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,008
I'm not one to take sides.
339
00:14:21,010 --> 00:14:22,809
I know you're mad at me
340
00:14:22,811 --> 00:14:25,262
for staying friends with Christina.
What?
341
00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:27,364
Just because you're BFFs
with the B-I-T-C-H
342
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,316
who B-R-O-K-E my H-E-A-R-T?
343
00:14:29,318 --> 00:14:30,901
Instead of spelling
344
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,036
on the porch, can we
just talk inside?
345
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,955
All right.
346
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,624
I don't know what there is
to talk about.
347
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:40,327
You chose Christina's friendship
over mine.
348
00:14:40,329 --> 00:14:41,795
I did not choose her
over you.
349
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,497
I shouldn't have to.
That's the point.
350
00:14:43,499 --> 00:14:45,048
And I shouldn't have
to protect a grown man
351
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,783
from getting his back
spray-painted by two children.
352
00:14:48,052 --> 00:14:50,453
Right? I mean,
353
00:14:50,455 --> 00:14:52,172
you'd think he'd have heard
the giggling
354
00:14:52,174 --> 00:14:55,492
or the shaking of the can.
355
00:14:55,494 --> 00:14:57,761
I even honked the horn
two times.
356
00:14:57,763 --> 00:15:00,630
Man didn't even turn.
357
00:15:00,632 --> 00:15:02,232
(chuckles)
358
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:04,651
Look, just because I'm still
friends with Christina,
359
00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,303
that doesn't mean
I don't care about you.
360
00:15:06,305 --> 00:15:08,572
You do realize that
if it wasn't for me,
361
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,157
you and Mike wouldn't
have even met.
362
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,858
I do.
363
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:15,162
I also know that you'd never let
any real harm come to him.
364
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,580
Yeah, on or off the job.
365
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,865
I understand the meaning
of friendship.
366
00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:22,419
And you're always gonna be
an important part of our lives.
367
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:23,704
Yeah?
368
00:15:23,706 --> 00:15:25,172
Of course.
369
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,490
Our kids are gonna need
their Uncle Carl.
370
00:15:27,492 --> 00:15:28,625
Mmm.
371
00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:31,044
Uncle Carl.
372
00:15:31,046 --> 00:15:34,932
Won't that be confusing
if he's also named Carl?
373
00:15:38,136 --> 00:15:41,888
We're not really at the point
of picking out names yet.
374
00:15:41,890 --> 00:15:44,107
You better tell your husband
to quit making promises.
375
00:15:47,979 --> 00:15:50,814
You know,
my middle name's Enoch.
376
00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:55,986
You got any use for that?
377
00:15:57,739 --> 00:16:00,874
Enoch Biggs?
Yeah.
378
00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:03,093
Can I think about it?
379
00:16:08,549 --> 00:16:09,800
Hey, girl.
380
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:10,867
Everything all right?
381
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:12,302
Yeah, sorry I'm late.
382
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,805
I had a friend going
through a bit of a crisis.
383
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,006
Oh, no problem.
384
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,140
Is she okay?
385
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:20,543
Uh, yeah, yeah, she's fine.
386
00:16:23,314 --> 00:16:25,215
I don't know why I just lied.
387
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:27,517
It's not a "she"
we're talking about.
388
00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:29,152
It's Carl.
389
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,570
Oh, Carl.
390
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:31,989
How's he doing?
391
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,556
He's doing good, yeah.
392
00:16:33,558 --> 00:16:36,860
Considering, you know,
the breakup and everything.
393
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:38,412
Which is none of my business
394
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,782
'cause you're both
still my friends.
395
00:16:41,784 --> 00:16:44,201
I'm sure he'll be fine
eventually.
396
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,836
Oh, absolutely.
397
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,037
He'll bounce back.
398
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,856
He's just a little
emotional right now.
399
00:16:49,858 --> 00:16:52,426
He can be so childish sometimes.
400
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,712
Well, I don't know
if I'd call him childish.
401
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:57,764
I mean, he certainly wears
his heart on his sleeve.
402
00:16:57,766 --> 00:17:00,517
Definitely challenging being
in a relationship with him.
403
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,353
I've never dated a man
that cried more than me.
404
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:07,107
He does get weepy,
but that's why we love him.
405
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,692
I mean...
406
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,228
not you anymore, but...
407
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:14,147
that's none of my business.
408
00:17:14,149 --> 00:17:16,700
Do you know how many
hysterical voice messages
409
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,369
that man has left me
since we broke up?
410
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,871
I do not.
411
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,906
He and I don't
talk about you;
412
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,539
We probably shouldn't
talk about him.
413
00:17:24,540 --> 00:17:25,576
Fifty-five.
414
00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:28,111
(quietly):
Wow.
415
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:31,415
That's only crazy
if you really...
416
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:34,167
stop to think about it.
417
00:17:34,169 --> 00:17:36,670
My six-year-old son
has more sense than him.
418
00:17:36,672 --> 00:17:38,722
Okay, that's
a little harsh.
419
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,390
I mean, I could
overlook the fact
420
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:41,958
that he still lives
with his grandma,
421
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,626
but the man
was so clingy.
422
00:17:43,628 --> 00:17:46,629
Do you know how many times
he asked me to marry him?
423
00:17:46,631 --> 00:17:49,416
South or north of 55?
424
00:17:49,418 --> 00:17:51,568
Almost every other day.
425
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,570
Every time
I took a bite of something,
426
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,156
I was worried I was gonna
swallow an engagement ring.
427
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:59,276
Mmm... he's
kind of a romantic.
428
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:00,527
He's kind of a nitwit.
429
00:18:00,529 --> 00:18:02,279
All right.
430
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,898
You know what,
name-calling is not okay.
431
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,166
He's a friend of mine,
432
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,151
godfather to my
un-conceived child,
433
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,320
and if you're gonna
keep trash-talking him,
434
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:12,339
then do it curbside.
435
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:13,340
Y-You're kidding.
436
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:14,591
Yeah, hit the
bricks, sister.
437
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,376
If you're gonna
take the low road,
438
00:18:16,378 --> 00:18:18,428
you're gonna
take it on foot.
439
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,430
I don't believe this.
440
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:22,299
You're as crazy as he is.
441
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:26,836
Well, that works out fine,
because I choose him.
442
00:18:27,838 --> 00:18:30,507
55 messages. You nitwit.
443
00:18:41,213 --> 00:18:42,613
You're home early.
Everything okay?
444
00:18:42,615 --> 00:18:44,766
I think I just broke up
with Christina.
445
00:18:44,768 --> 00:18:47,101
What are you talking about?
446
00:18:47,103 --> 00:18:49,303
She started bad-mouthing Carl,
and next thing I knew,
447
00:18:49,305 --> 00:18:51,072
I was kicking her
out of my car
448
00:18:51,074 --> 00:18:53,541
and giving her the finger
in my rearview mirror.
449
00:18:53,543 --> 00:18:55,693
That certainly sounds
like a breakup.
450
00:18:55,695 --> 00:18:57,795
What was she saying about him?
451
00:18:57,797 --> 00:19:00,131
She called him a clingy,
needy crybaby.
452
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,567
Well, she's not wrong.
453
00:19:03,585 --> 00:19:05,103
I know, but for some reason,
454
00:19:05,105 --> 00:19:06,854
I started getting very
protective of him.
455
00:19:06,856 --> 00:19:09,640
I get it... he's
a giant pain in the ass,
456
00:19:09,642 --> 00:19:11,359
but you can't help
but love him.
457
00:19:11,361 --> 00:19:14,311
I know.
Why is that?
458
00:19:14,313 --> 00:19:16,531
For me, I think
it's his round, bald head.
459
00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:19,117
He looks like a big, goofy baby.
460
00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:20,334
I bet that's it.
461
00:19:20,336 --> 00:19:22,286
He brings out
my maternal instincts.
462
00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:25,006
Mine, too. He pisses me off
most of the time,
463
00:19:25,008 --> 00:19:26,624
but I can't stop loving him.
464
00:19:26,626 --> 00:19:28,492
Mmm, I feel
the same way.
465
00:19:28,494 --> 00:19:30,428
Like good parents.
466
00:19:31,663 --> 00:19:33,681
So maybe we are ready.
467
00:19:33,683 --> 00:19:35,183
And raising actual kids
468
00:19:35,185 --> 00:19:38,219
won't be nearly as much
trouble as raising Carl.
469
00:19:38,221 --> 00:19:42,623
How could it be? Oh, I bet
they cry a lot less, too.
470
00:19:42,625 --> 00:19:44,859
Well, I'm ready
if you are.
471
00:19:45,694 --> 00:19:47,845
Let's do it.
Put your hat on.
472
00:19:47,847 --> 00:19:50,031
Mmm. Frontwards
or backwards?
473
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:51,966
Mike!
I'm talking about the hat.
474
00:19:51,968 --> 00:19:54,035
Oh. Backwards.
475
00:19:57,824 --> 00:20:00,007
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/