1 00:00:10,012 --> 00:00:11,011 Oh, hi, there. 2 00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:12,057 (Soft chuckle) 3 00:00:12,058 --> 00:00:14,066 I've been put in a nursing home. 4 00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:16,011 Oh, you didn't know that? 5 00:00:16,012 --> 00:00:17,058 Who is she talking to? 6 00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:18,058 I don't know. 7 00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,016 She's losing it. Yesterday, 8 00:00:20,017 --> 00:00:22,029 she said she won an Oscar and slept with Warren Beatty. 9 00:00:22,030 --> 00:00:24,074 I guess you're wondering how I got here. 10 00:00:24,075 --> 00:00:27,041 Well, it all started a long, long time ago, 11 00:00:27,042 --> 00:00:30,061 when the Harlem globetrotters played their first game 12 00:00:30,062 --> 00:00:34,091 in Hinckley, Illinois, and after the game, 13 00:00:34,092 --> 00:00:39,020 a very sweet, nice woman made her way onto the bus 14 00:00:39,021 --> 00:00:41,049 and nine months later, I was born. 15 00:00:41,050 --> 00:00:42,049 (Chuckles) 16 00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:45,028 And 86 years after that... 17 00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:47,019 A social worker came to check up 18 00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:48,075 on my great-granddaughter hope. 19 00:00:48,076 --> 00:00:51,037 At first, she seemed like a nice lady. 20 00:00:51,038 --> 00:00:52,029 I have a cat. 21 00:00:52,030 --> 00:00:54,028 Her name is muffin. 22 00:00:54,029 --> 00:00:55,082 Oh, my. 23 00:00:55,083 --> 00:00:58,020 But then she stopped worrying about hope and started 24 00:00:58,021 --> 00:01:00,091 worrying about how I was being treated. 25 00:01:00,092 --> 00:01:02,095 That better not be the last piece of Taffy! 26 00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:05,000 - Maw maw, no! - (Gasps) 27 00:01:05,003 --> 00:01:08,032 The way that you treat this poor old woman is reprehensible. 28 00:01:08,033 --> 00:01:10,041 I'm taking Barbara June somewhere 29 00:01:10,042 --> 00:01:12,999 where she can get the care that she deserves. 30 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,008 You don't understand. We have to treat her like that. 31 00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:16,096 - She's crazy! - Who wouldn't be? 32 00:01:16,099 --> 00:01:18,041 You torture her with hot sauce, 33 00:01:18,042 --> 00:01:21,020 you tie her up in saran wrap and imprison her in her room! 34 00:01:21,021 --> 00:01:23,011 Hey, it's hard on us, too. 35 00:01:23,012 --> 00:01:25,037 We got to reuse that saran wrap. 36 00:01:25,038 --> 00:01:28,011 All our sandwiches taste like talcum powder and mothballs. 37 00:01:28,012 --> 00:01:32,999 So, she had me taken away to this state-run nursing home. 38 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,062 And now you're all caught up. 39 00:01:34,063 --> 00:01:37,020 So, if you'll excuse me, Mr. wall, 40 00:01:37,021 --> 00:01:41,088 I promised to explain everything to the water fountain as well. 41 00:01:42,088 --> 00:01:44,078 Whoo! 42 00:01:44,079 --> 00:01:46,032 ♪ Here we go ♪ 43 00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:49,050 ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪ 44 00:01:51,071 --> 00:01:53,095 You have to let my grandmother out of here. 45 00:01:53,096 --> 00:01:56,053 This place is depressing, and for some reason, 46 00:01:56,054 --> 00:01:58,053 you have your Thanksgiving decorations up. 47 00:01:58,054 --> 00:02:00,020 It's gonna confuse her. 48 00:02:00,021 --> 00:02:03,049 Some of our residents don't make it to their favorite holiday, 49 00:02:03,050 --> 00:02:07,020 so we have Christmas, easter and Thanksgiving every three weeks. 50 00:02:07,021 --> 00:02:08,050 Just let me see her. 51 00:02:08,051 --> 00:02:10,087 I'm sorry, but for her own protection, 52 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:13,087 the state prohibits you from seeing Barbara June Thompson. 53 00:02:13,088 --> 00:02:15,003 Oh, yeah? 54 00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:16,096 Well, you can tell the state 55 00:02:16,097 --> 00:02:21,020 that two years ago we earned enough to pay taxes, so... 56 00:02:21,021 --> 00:02:22,075 They work for us. 57 00:02:23,079 --> 00:02:25,020 Hey, buddy. 58 00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:26,041 Same shirt! 59 00:02:26,042 --> 00:02:29,037 Oh, my God, it's me from the past. 60 00:02:29,038 --> 00:02:31,020 I knew you'd come. 61 00:02:31,021 --> 00:02:32,058 Listen to me. 62 00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:37,024 When you go on that business trip to Bangkok, 63 00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:40,025 wear a condom. 64 00:02:44,075 --> 00:02:46,057 He seemed cool. 65 00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:48,025 Hey, just for the record, when you go crazy, 66 00:02:48,026 --> 00:02:50,057 do you want me to put you in a place like this, 67 00:02:50,058 --> 00:02:53,037 or do you want to just be a burden to me and the kids? 68 00:02:53,038 --> 00:02:55,012 No, definitely put me in a place like this. 69 00:02:55,013 --> 00:02:57,028 And you want me to do the same for you, right? 70 00:02:57,029 --> 00:02:58,067 Oh! No, I'm not going crazy. 71 00:02:58,068 --> 00:03:00,091 Oh, no. No one in my family ever has. 72 00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,045 Yeah, you're gonna go crazy. 73 00:03:02,046 --> 00:03:04,010 Burt: She's right, Jimmy... everybody 74 00:03:04,011 --> 00:03:05,079 goes bananas in our family: There's maw maw, 75 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,082 there's crazy Uncle Mike, crazy Uncle Tim. 76 00:03:07,083 --> 00:03:10,028 Didn't you say you had a... A crazy Uncle Bobby 77 00:03:10,029 --> 00:03:12,023 who would only travel via jet ski? 78 00:03:12,024 --> 00:03:14,008 Took him six months to get to Arizona. 79 00:03:15,021 --> 00:03:16,033 Man, this place 80 00:03:16,034 --> 00:03:18,003 is on lockdown. It'd be easier 81 00:03:18,004 --> 00:03:20,032 getting into Tim Tebow's pants. 82 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,032 Maybe this is the best thing for maw maw. 83 00:03:22,033 --> 00:03:24,006 And we could make some extra money 84 00:03:24,007 --> 00:03:26,019 by turning her old room into a bed-and-breakfast. 85 00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:27,998 Hey, we could rent it out to an old person 86 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,060 who says and does funny things and acts all kooky, 87 00:03:30,061 --> 00:03:32,046 but this time, we won't get attached. 88 00:03:32,047 --> 00:03:34,044 We're not turning her room into anything 89 00:03:34,045 --> 00:03:35,092 because it's still her room. 90 00:03:35,093 --> 00:03:38,078 We need to figure out a way to sneak her out of here. 91 00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:42,000 - Well, mom, they're gonna know it was us who took her. - So... 92 00:03:42,001 --> 00:03:43,021 We'll hide her. 93 00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:46,032 Maw maw deserves to live out her days in her own home, 94 00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,020 surrounded by her loving family, 95 00:03:48,021 --> 00:03:50,032 who is hiding her in the attic. 96 00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:52,033 - It certainly worked for Anne Frank. - See? 97 00:03:52,036 --> 00:03:54,037 Worked for Sabrina's friend, and it'll work now. 98 00:03:54,038 --> 00:03:56,082 It's time for this family to sack up. 99 00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:59,058 We're breaking her out of this hellhole. 100 00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:05,011 Sabrina: So far we have figured out 101 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,092 which random household item will represent each one of us. 102 00:04:07,093 --> 00:04:09,020 And I still don't think 103 00:04:09,021 --> 00:04:10,998 it's funny that you made me the nutcracker. 104 00:04:10,999 --> 00:04:12,019 Burt: Oh, it's not what you think. 105 00:04:12,020 --> 00:04:14,056 It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. 106 00:04:14,057 --> 00:04:16,012 We just chose that because you're always 107 00:04:16,013 --> 00:04:18,029 breaking Jimmy's balls. 108 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,041 (Whispers): There's the stare. 109 00:04:21,042 --> 00:04:22,021 - Jimmy! - (Gasps) 110 00:04:22,022 --> 00:04:23,075 And there's the crunch. 111 00:04:23,076 --> 00:04:25,075 Okay. Does anybody actually have a plan? 112 00:04:25,076 --> 00:04:27,028 I do. 113 00:04:27,029 --> 00:04:28,083 I have the perfect plan. 114 00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:30,078 ♪ ♪ 115 00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:33,041 Burt: Sabrina, wearing the J.Lo Grammy dress, 116 00:04:33,042 --> 00:04:37,054 will use her feminine wiles to distract the security guard. 117 00:04:43,092 --> 00:04:45,088 Then I'll stroll in, dressed as the handsome 118 00:04:45,089 --> 00:04:47,095 cable repairman to the stars, 119 00:04:47,096 --> 00:04:49,096 bulk Masterson. 120 00:04:58,075 --> 00:05:03,038 Once inside, we'll disengage the security cameras... 121 00:05:05,025 --> 00:05:08,053 which will allow time for Virginia and Jimmy 122 00:05:08,054 --> 00:05:09,999 to make their move. 123 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,096 They'll be dressed as food delivery people 124 00:05:11,097 --> 00:05:14,054 to deliver 75 red velvet cupcakes. 125 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,999 74 of those cupcakes 126 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,025 will contain knockout drops that I've personally made 127 00:05:23,026 --> 00:05:25,057 from chamomile tea, antihistamines, 128 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:28,028 and pharmaceutical grade horse tranquilizers. 129 00:05:28,029 --> 00:05:29,067 Oh. 130 00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:32,067 Mmm. 131 00:05:34,071 --> 00:05:37,037 The 75th cupcake is the one maw maw will eat. 132 00:05:37,038 --> 00:05:40,088 You'll know it by the initials M.M. 133 00:05:42,012 --> 00:05:44,021 (Sighs) 134 00:05:46,042 --> 00:05:48,033 Ah. 135 00:05:49,025 --> 00:05:50,096 Oh. 136 00:05:55,071 --> 00:05:57,008 Yeah. 137 00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:05,046 If something goes wrong, Jimmy's cart 138 00:06:05,047 --> 00:06:08,032 will also be loaded with a tray of pies that will have 139 00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:09,096 - guns baked into them. - Whoa! 140 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:14,032 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 141 00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:16,032 Whoa. Whoa. 142 00:06:16,033 --> 00:06:19,011 Okay. I guess I just love maw maw more than you. 143 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,044 Who are you kidding? 144 00:06:20,045 --> 00:06:22,033 This is about you getting to lick the bowl 145 00:06:22,034 --> 00:06:24,032 after I bake 75 cupcakes. 146 00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:26,052 Well, if you're gonna throw the baby out with the bathwater... 147 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,019 Sometimes I wish I'd never given you 148 00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,046 that phrase-of-the-day calendar. 149 00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:32,091 Measure once, cut twice, Virginia. 150 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,079 Here's what we're gonna do: Jimmy, 151 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,011 do you still have all your stupid magic supplies? 152 00:06:37,012 --> 00:06:38,083 Oh, no, they're not magic. 153 00:06:38,084 --> 00:06:40,042 (Whispers): They're illusions. 154 00:06:46,046 --> 00:06:48,050 They're under my bed. 155 00:06:54,033 --> 00:06:55,077 (Grunts, chuckles) 156 00:06:55,078 --> 00:06:57,088 (Quietly): I'm not saying it's not uncomfortable, 157 00:06:57,089 --> 00:06:59,074 I'm just saying it's doable. 158 00:06:59,075 --> 00:07:01,074 A bottle of water, a couple adult diapers... 159 00:07:01,075 --> 00:07:03,052 With enough postage, we could finally take 160 00:07:03,053 --> 00:07:05,033 that dream vacation to hershey, Pennsylvania. 161 00:07:05,034 --> 00:07:07,074 But how are we gonna fit back in the box 162 00:07:07,075 --> 00:07:09,095 after we eat all that chocolate? 163 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,020 Guard: Nope, there is 164 00:07:11,021 --> 00:07:12,094 no amazing Jimmy on the list. 165 00:07:12,095 --> 00:07:14,075 And I've gotten into a lot of trouble 166 00:07:14,076 --> 00:07:16,041 lately for letting people in. 167 00:07:16,042 --> 00:07:18,999 We've had a whole string of robberies. 168 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,095 Well, the truth of it is, is... 169 00:07:22,096 --> 00:07:24,087 I was on the list, 170 00:07:24,088 --> 00:07:27,004 but I made my name disappear. 171 00:07:29,021 --> 00:07:32,020 Whoa. 172 00:07:32,021 --> 00:07:34,007 How'd you do that? 173 00:07:34,008 --> 00:07:35,042 (Guard chuckles) 174 00:07:35,043 --> 00:07:37,024 Well, you go right on in, buddy. 175 00:07:37,025 --> 00:07:39,053 They're gonna love you. (Chuckling) 176 00:07:39,054 --> 00:07:42,037 Oh, man. I'm glad neither one of us is claustrophobic. 177 00:07:42,038 --> 00:07:44,096 I know. It's bad enough that there's not enough air 178 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:47,045 and the walls are closing in on me. 179 00:07:47,046 --> 00:07:49,071 - Ow. - (Breathing deeply) 180 00:07:49,074 --> 00:07:51,071 (Panting) 181 00:07:52,088 --> 00:07:56,041 (Gasping, groaning) 182 00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,045 I got a lot more sympathy 183 00:07:58,046 --> 00:07:59,067 for those illegal immigrants. 184 00:07:59,068 --> 00:08:01,007 It was tight in there. 185 00:08:01,008 --> 00:08:03,074 Now I know why conjoined twins hate each other. 186 00:08:03,075 --> 00:08:05,028 Is that true? 187 00:08:05,029 --> 00:08:06,082 Has to be. 188 00:08:06,083 --> 00:08:08,067 All right. Let's go save maw maw. 189 00:08:12,017 --> 00:08:12,092 You ready? 190 00:08:12,093 --> 00:08:14,025 Let's do this. 191 00:08:15,046 --> 00:08:16,082 (Grunting) 192 00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:18,067 (Groaning): Oh, oh... 193 00:08:22,008 --> 00:08:24,029 (Both grunting, groaning) 194 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:39,537 Woman (Over P.A. System): Attention, nursing home staff, 195 00:08:39,538 --> 00:08:42,537 we are about to make a resident announcement. 196 00:08:42,538 --> 00:08:44,500 (Yelling over P.A.): Attention, residents! 197 00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:47,570 There will be a magic show in the auxiliary room! 198 00:08:47,571 --> 00:08:50,516 A magic show! 199 00:08:50,517 --> 00:08:51,532 There she is. 200 00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:53,528 Boring. 201 00:08:53,529 --> 00:08:54,566 Boring. 202 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:57,524 Ooh, that's good. Oh. 203 00:08:57,525 --> 00:08:58,517 (Whispering): Oh, my God... 204 00:08:58,518 --> 00:09:01,566 They blend all their food into smoothies! 205 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:03,574 Oh, man. 206 00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:06,507 If people knew this is what they were in store for, 207 00:09:06,508 --> 00:09:07,521 they'd never bother flossing. 208 00:09:07,522 --> 00:09:08,519 Focus, Burt. 209 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,536 Jimmy knows six magic tricks. 210 00:09:09,537 --> 00:09:10,571 That only leaves us about ten minutes 211 00:09:10,572 --> 00:09:12,524 to sneak maw maw out of here. 212 00:09:12,525 --> 00:09:14,592 Oh, their bowel movements must be smooth as butter. 213 00:09:14,593 --> 00:09:16,596 (Sighs) Thanks for ruining butter for me. 214 00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:27,499 I'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience. 215 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,556 (Whispering): Jimmy. We didn't practice with a volunteer. 216 00:09:29,557 --> 00:09:31,562 Oh, I've been thinking about it. I think the reason that 217 00:09:31,563 --> 00:09:33,582 everybody in my family's losing it is because 218 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:35,545 we're all doing something wrong. 219 00:09:35,546 --> 00:09:37,579 So I need to find an old person who's still sharp 220 00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,579 so I can ask them what they did right. 221 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,571 - That's a good idea. - Yeah. 222 00:09:41,574 --> 00:09:43,570 How about you, sir? 223 00:09:43,571 --> 00:09:45,545 I bid ten dollars. 224 00:09:45,546 --> 00:09:47,529 - Okay, not you. - You... lady. 225 00:09:48,525 --> 00:09:50,557 I love grapes! 226 00:09:50,558 --> 00:09:51,566 Sit down. 227 00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:54,532 Mmm! Oh! 228 00:09:54,533 --> 00:09:56,595 That's the best lasagna I ever drank. 229 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,558 (Whispering): Oh, he's leaving. He's leaving. 230 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,557 Maw maw. 231 00:10:03,558 --> 00:10:04,566 Maw maw. 232 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,567 - Oh! - It's us. 233 00:10:06,568 --> 00:10:08,567 We're here to bust you out of here. 234 00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:10,587 Oh, great. Ooh. 235 00:10:10,588 --> 00:10:13,529 But my... my mask seems to be stuck. 236 00:10:14,538 --> 00:10:16,538 (Whispering): Come on. Come on. 237 00:10:19,508 --> 00:10:20,592 Aliens! 238 00:10:22,562 --> 00:10:24,511 It's the aliens! 239 00:10:24,512 --> 00:10:26,521 They've come to make us young. 240 00:10:27,512 --> 00:10:28,583 Take us to the cocoons. 241 00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:31,582 Residents: Aliens, aliens, aliens... 242 00:10:31,583 --> 00:10:33,537 Aliens! Aliens! 243 00:10:33,538 --> 00:10:34,532 Aliens! 244 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:35,537 Aliens! 245 00:10:35,538 --> 00:10:36,528 Aliens! 246 00:10:36,529 --> 00:10:39,567 Residents: Aliens! Aliens! 247 00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,512 A-any more volunteers? 248 00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:47,545 Bingo! I have bingo! 249 00:10:47,546 --> 00:10:49,516 Man: Hey, kid, if you're 250 00:10:49,517 --> 00:10:52,524 not gonna do a trick soon, I'm gonna go chat up 251 00:10:52,525 --> 00:10:54,566 that crazy new broad they brought in. 252 00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:57,503 Word is she'll do anything for Taffy. 253 00:10:57,504 --> 00:11:01,578 Wait, do you know your name and where you are? 254 00:11:01,579 --> 00:11:04,561 Henry. And I'm at the worst magic show ever. 255 00:11:04,562 --> 00:11:06,527 Yeah, he knows exactly where he is. 256 00:11:06,528 --> 00:11:07,560 May I ask you a question? 257 00:11:07,561 --> 00:11:09,550 See, I've been trying to find an old person 258 00:11:09,551 --> 00:11:11,578 who hasn't lost their marbles so I can ask 'em, 259 00:11:11,579 --> 00:11:13,524 "how'd you do it?" 260 00:11:13,525 --> 00:11:16,511 Good genes and crossword puzzles. 261 00:11:16,512 --> 00:11:18,549 Puzzles and pants, got it. 262 00:11:18,550 --> 00:11:20,549 Any chance you're ever gonna get that kid 263 00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:21,588 out of the trunk or what? 264 00:11:21,589 --> 00:11:23,579 Oh, God. 265 00:11:30,575 --> 00:11:32,511 How did you do that? 266 00:11:32,512 --> 00:11:34,567 Unlike you, I used to be a magician. 267 00:11:38,579 --> 00:11:40,524 All right, everyone, 268 00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,566 time for some afternoon roughage. 269 00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:44,578 Those of you who have trouble getting around, 270 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,566 might want to start towards the bathroom as you're eating. 271 00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:50,507 Great, this is just the distraction we need. 272 00:11:50,508 --> 00:11:51,594 Remember what happened the last time we tried to get maw maw 273 00:11:51,595 --> 00:11:53,569 to eat something other than pickles for lunch? 274 00:11:53,570 --> 00:11:54,588 Go get the trunk. 275 00:11:55,588 --> 00:11:57,561 I want pickles. 276 00:11:57,562 --> 00:11:59,503 These are pickles. 277 00:11:59,504 --> 00:12:01,507 They're Japanese pickles. 278 00:12:01,508 --> 00:12:04,561 (Scoffs) The Japanese. 279 00:12:04,562 --> 00:12:09,520 First they shrank the car, now they made pickles orange. 280 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:12,595 I love those clever little bastards. 281 00:12:12,596 --> 00:12:14,578 I can't believe it. 282 00:12:14,579 --> 00:12:17,557 It was hard to admit, but people in the nursing home 283 00:12:17,558 --> 00:12:19,498 knew a lot of tricks for taking care 284 00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:20,560 of old people that we didn't. 285 00:12:20,561 --> 00:12:22,554 And their ways weren't just easier, 286 00:12:22,555 --> 00:12:24,508 they were a lot cheaper. 287 00:12:27,550 --> 00:12:28,549 Aah! 288 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:29,578 God! 289 00:12:29,579 --> 00:12:32,511 At home, maw maw liked to bite people 290 00:12:32,512 --> 00:12:33,588 when they tried to give her her pills. 291 00:12:33,589 --> 00:12:36,578 So, Burt would have to use a bunch of our hot sauce 292 00:12:36,579 --> 00:12:37,583 to get the job done. 293 00:12:40,562 --> 00:12:42,503 Aah, aah, aah, aah... 294 00:12:42,504 --> 00:12:43,575 Aah, ooh, oh, God. 295 00:12:43,576 --> 00:12:46,570 But the nursing home people actually made it fun. 296 00:12:46,571 --> 00:12:48,592 And they didn't waste a taco night's worth of hot sauce. 297 00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:50,503 Oh... 298 00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:51,587 Neck candy. 299 00:12:51,588 --> 00:12:52,567 (Laughs) 300 00:12:52,568 --> 00:12:54,537 Mmm. 301 00:12:54,538 --> 00:12:55,577 And when maw maw decided to play 302 00:12:55,578 --> 00:12:57,562 "the Chinese torture song..." 303 00:13:00,588 --> 00:13:03,533 (Playing "chopsticks") 304 00:13:07,575 --> 00:13:10,499 Time to wrap this up. 305 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,524 We had our way of dealing with it. 306 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:15,591 And in doing so, we wasted 20-sandwiches-worth 307 00:13:15,592 --> 00:13:17,532 of plastic wrap. 308 00:13:17,533 --> 00:13:20,587 But they figured out a way to change the station. 309 00:13:20,588 --> 00:13:23,567 (Playing a gentle classical melody) 310 00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:35,524 Joan: Don't be nervous, everyone's gonna love you. 311 00:13:35,525 --> 00:13:37,557 (Cat meows) 312 00:13:37,558 --> 00:13:40,561 Okay, hello, everyone! 313 00:13:40,562 --> 00:13:42,566 The therapy animals are all being moved 314 00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:46,587 into the auxiliary room and guess who just got certified? 315 00:13:46,588 --> 00:13:50,557 Meet Dr. muffin, purr-h. D. 316 00:13:50,558 --> 00:13:51,582 (Giggles) 317 00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:53,573 And my mother said I'd never end up with a doctor. 318 00:13:53,574 --> 00:13:54,575 (Clicking tongue) Come on. 319 00:13:59,571 --> 00:14:00,583 Jimmy's bringing the van around back. 320 00:14:00,584 --> 00:14:01,583 Let's do this. 321 00:14:01,584 --> 00:14:02,587 (Sighs) 322 00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:04,520 We can't take her, Burt. 323 00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:07,570 The staff here is so much better with maw maw than I am. 324 00:14:07,571 --> 00:14:10,582 I think I just lost patience over the years 325 00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,567 and started treating her crappy. 326 00:14:14,533 --> 00:14:16,566 I owe it to her to let her stay. 327 00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:20,566 Well, I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing. 328 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:23,561 We'll come visit her every day. 329 00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:24,561 Or every week. 330 00:14:24,562 --> 00:14:28,528 Unless we're tired or busy. 331 00:14:28,529 --> 00:14:29,588 We'll try, that's the important thing. 332 00:14:33,554 --> 00:14:36,595 Keep an eye on your husband, sweetheart. 333 00:14:36,596 --> 00:14:40,499 I'm horny and I don't play by the rules. 334 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:41,562 I'm not wearing 335 00:14:41,563 --> 00:14:43,504 any diapers. 336 00:14:45,592 --> 00:14:47,561 Did you hear what she just said? 337 00:14:47,562 --> 00:14:49,540 I told you we didn't have to wear diapers. 338 00:14:49,541 --> 00:14:51,562 Yeah, and I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious. 339 00:15:00,821 --> 00:15:02,895 I'm a crazy old lady 340 00:15:02,896 --> 00:15:04,828 hey, who are you? 341 00:15:04,829 --> 00:15:05,875 You get out of my house. 342 00:15:05,876 --> 00:15:09,799 I appreciate you trying to help, really. 343 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,817 But, this isn't going to make me stop missing maw maw. 344 00:15:12,838 --> 00:15:13,865 You really miss her, huh? 345 00:15:13,866 --> 00:15:15,823 She's only been at the nursing home a week 346 00:15:15,824 --> 00:15:17,838 and they take better care of her than we ever have. 347 00:15:17,839 --> 00:15:22,807 And this is where our guests take their meals. 348 00:15:22,808 --> 00:15:23,888 Feel free to dine with "Al Fresco." 349 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,811 Unless that means "naked." 350 00:15:25,812 --> 00:15:27,871 I'm not exactly sure, I just, uh, copied some stuff 351 00:15:27,872 --> 00:15:29,816 out of a fancy motel pamphlet. 352 00:15:29,817 --> 00:15:31,824 Speaking of which, can I see that indoor toilet 353 00:15:31,825 --> 00:15:32,842 you wrote so much about? 354 00:15:32,843 --> 00:15:34,861 Yeah, right down the hall. 355 00:15:34,862 --> 00:15:36,825 - What's going on? - I told you. 356 00:15:36,826 --> 00:15:38,821 I'm turning maw maw's room into a bed and breakfast. 357 00:15:38,822 --> 00:15:40,887 The guy needs a place to stay for the holidays. 358 00:15:40,888 --> 00:15:43,857 And, apparently, he got most of the blood I donated last year, 359 00:15:43,858 --> 00:15:44,883 so we're practically related. 360 00:15:44,884 --> 00:15:46,816 What's he paying you with? 361 00:15:46,817 --> 00:15:47,849 This shirt. 362 00:15:47,850 --> 00:15:50,807 Plus, he pinky promised if he ever finds a bag of money 363 00:15:50,808 --> 00:15:51,815 in the woods, I get half. 364 00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:52,888 You sure he wasn't crossing his fingers? 365 00:15:52,889 --> 00:15:55,821 He did the first time, but I made him do it again. 366 00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:02,862 How's the crossword puzzle going? 367 00:16:02,863 --> 00:16:03,862 Not good. 368 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,849 I mean, it's just so hard. 369 00:16:05,850 --> 00:16:07,890 I don't know how the geniuses at TV guide make these things. 370 00:16:07,891 --> 00:16:09,867 Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. 371 00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:11,849 Your TV only gets two channels. 372 00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:13,828 (Ringing) 373 00:16:13,829 --> 00:16:14,828 Hello? 374 00:16:14,829 --> 00:16:16,870 I'm not sure how to say this. 375 00:16:16,871 --> 00:16:18,874 I have some bad news about your grandmother. 376 00:16:18,875 --> 00:16:21,857 Oh, no. 377 00:16:21,858 --> 00:16:22,883 She's gone, isn't she? 378 00:16:22,884 --> 00:16:24,895 Oh, she's gone all right. 379 00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:26,828 She's gone bat-crap crazy. 380 00:16:26,829 --> 00:16:28,811 (Maw maw growls) 381 00:16:28,812 --> 00:16:29,883 I thought I'd seen everything here. 382 00:16:29,884 --> 00:16:33,866 I lived through the great senior syphilis epidemic of '08, 383 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:36,811 but I never thought I'd see a hostage situation. 384 00:16:36,812 --> 00:16:37,875 She took people hostage? 385 00:16:37,876 --> 00:16:40,816 Worse: She's barricaded herself in the animal therapy lounge. 386 00:16:40,817 --> 00:16:41,887 Ooh. 387 00:16:41,888 --> 00:16:43,861 (Cat meows) 388 00:16:43,862 --> 00:16:46,811 How many times do I have to mark my territory 389 00:16:46,812 --> 00:16:47,871 for you filthy cats? 390 00:16:47,872 --> 00:16:49,811 (Meows) 391 00:16:49,812 --> 00:16:50,879 This is my side of the room. 392 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,811 What happened? 393 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,849 She seemed so happy the last time we were here. 394 00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:55,854 When were you here? 395 00:16:55,855 --> 00:16:57,811 I'll ask the questions. 396 00:16:57,812 --> 00:16:58,869 What got her so upset? 397 00:16:58,870 --> 00:17:00,802 The residents had just finished their Turkey 398 00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,881 and stuffing smoothies and then, it was time for dessert, 399 00:17:02,882 --> 00:17:04,862 and then somebody ate the last piece of Taffy. 400 00:17:04,863 --> 00:17:07,811 What? You never want to take away this woman's Taffy. 401 00:17:07,812 --> 00:17:08,883 Not unless you got a handful of circus peanuts. 402 00:17:08,884 --> 00:17:10,832 But we didn't know that. 403 00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:13,811 Roger: Whoa, whoa, now you've had 404 00:17:13,812 --> 00:17:14,842 enough Taffy, Barbara June. 405 00:17:14,843 --> 00:17:16,849 Let's give the last piece to someone else. 406 00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:17,879 (Roger screams in pain) 407 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:18,891 (Growls) 408 00:17:18,892 --> 00:17:21,895 Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, Barbara June. 409 00:17:21,896 --> 00:17:23,882 (Crying): Why, why? 410 00:17:23,883 --> 00:17:26,816 Why don't we just relax 411 00:17:26,817 --> 00:17:29,811 and watch some fish, hmm? 412 00:17:29,812 --> 00:17:30,800 Aah! 413 00:17:32,871 --> 00:17:35,828 No, don't scare the clown fish. 414 00:17:35,829 --> 00:17:36,817 They're very sensitive. 415 00:17:36,818 --> 00:17:38,817 (Gasps, screams) 416 00:17:40,879 --> 00:17:42,816 (Laughing) 417 00:17:42,817 --> 00:17:43,833 Candy, candy, candy. 418 00:17:43,834 --> 00:17:44,833 I have candy. 419 00:17:44,834 --> 00:17:46,803 Yum, yum. 420 00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:47,879 That's not candy. 421 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,837 That's generic thorazine. 422 00:17:50,838 --> 00:17:53,832 (Screaming in pain) 423 00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:56,811 And then she barricaded herself in the animal therapy lounge. 424 00:17:56,812 --> 00:17:57,820 You! 425 00:17:57,821 --> 00:18:00,803 You're the one who stuck me in this hellhole. 426 00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:02,803 (Growls) 427 00:18:02,804 --> 00:18:05,824 Which cat is yours? 428 00:18:05,825 --> 00:18:06,815 None of them. 429 00:18:06,816 --> 00:18:07,892 I would never bring my cat here; Never. 430 00:18:07,893 --> 00:18:10,883 (Cats meowing) 431 00:18:17,862 --> 00:18:20,799 (Gasping) 432 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,846 Oh, God, please, don't hurt my muffin! 433 00:18:21,847 --> 00:18:24,820 How could she hurt your... 434 00:18:24,821 --> 00:18:26,838 My cat, my cat's name is muffin. 435 00:18:32,350 --> 00:18:35,361 Anything you want to say before I disprove the whole 436 00:18:35,362 --> 00:18:37,345 nine lives theory? 437 00:18:37,346 --> 00:18:39,304 Oh, God, you people need to do something! 438 00:18:39,305 --> 00:18:42,303 Get in there and stop her before she hurts my muffin. 439 00:18:42,304 --> 00:18:43,381 I'm really gonna need you to just say cat. 440 00:18:43,382 --> 00:18:45,375 I don't care what you do to that woman, 441 00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:48,324 just save my cat. 442 00:18:48,325 --> 00:18:50,346 I'll be honest with you... a balance beam accident left me 443 00:18:50,347 --> 00:18:53,374 with a tilted uterus, and muffin is as close to a child 444 00:18:53,375 --> 00:18:54,375 as I'll ever have. 445 00:18:54,376 --> 00:18:56,345 You heard the lady. 446 00:18:56,346 --> 00:18:58,374 We got the green light, people. 447 00:18:58,375 --> 00:18:59,388 It's go time. 448 00:19:21,388 --> 00:19:23,362 (Cats meowing) 449 00:19:31,329 --> 00:19:32,375 (Meows) 450 00:19:41,312 --> 00:19:42,387 (Meows) 451 00:19:42,388 --> 00:19:44,325 Muffin! 452 00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:48,324 Aah, aah, Mexican no-no sauce. 453 00:19:48,325 --> 00:19:49,345 Aah, aah! 454 00:19:49,346 --> 00:19:50,353 Aah! 455 00:19:50,354 --> 00:19:51,367 Oh, God, aah, aah! 456 00:20:05,346 --> 00:20:08,324 Oh... finally... 457 00:20:08,325 --> 00:20:11,329 Somebody who knows how to control me. 458 00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:15,387 Virginia: Even that stupid do-gooder 459 00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,329 with the dumb-looking cat had to admit, 460 00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:20,321 everyone would be better off if maw maw went home. 461 00:20:23,338 --> 00:20:24,377 Of course, that did mean that Natesville's 462 00:20:24,378 --> 00:20:26,350 only one-star bed and breakfast would have to close down. 463 00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:27,388 Oh! 464 00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:31,354 Awkward. 465 00:20:34,346 --> 00:20:37,299 And since maw maw was expecting a Thanksgiving dinner 466 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:37,373 we gave her one 467 00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:39,317 plus we decided to try some of the tricks we learned 468 00:20:39,318 --> 00:20:41,357 from the folks at the nursing home. 469 00:20:41,358 --> 00:20:43,300 Maw maw? 470 00:20:48,317 --> 00:20:50,311 (Playing "chopsticks") 471 00:20:50,312 --> 00:20:52,323 Instead of grabbing the saran wrap, hot sauce 472 00:20:52,324 --> 00:20:54,375 and spray bottle every time maw maw started to annoy us, 473 00:20:54,376 --> 00:20:58,370 we got a little more creative with our solutions. 474 00:20:58,371 --> 00:21:00,395 (Plays classical music) 475 00:21:00,396 --> 00:21:03,328 Things around the house actually got a little 476 00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:04,371 more peaceful and on those rare occasions 477 00:21:04,372 --> 00:21:07,345 where we had to bring out the big guns, 478 00:21:07,346 --> 00:21:10,337 well, sometimes that's just what family has to do. 479 00:21:10,338 --> 00:21:13,374 Your damn pet monkey stole the last piece of Taffy. 480 00:21:13,375 --> 00:21:17,353 (Maw maw grunting) 481 00:21:17,354 --> 00:21:19,332 And nothing says family 482 00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:22,299 like squirting your 86-year-old grandmother in the face so she 483 00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,329 won't hit your granddaughter with a fireplace poker. 484 00:21:26,388 --> 00:21:30,361 Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion. 485 00:21:30,362 --> 00:21:32,311 (Laughs) Just kidding. 486 00:21:32,312 --> 00:21:34,396 No, you can't stretch this crap into a three-parter.