Oh, hi, there.
(Soft chuckle)
I've been put in a nursing home.
Oh, you didn't know that?
Who is she talking to?
I don't know.
She's losing it. Yesterday,
she said she won an Oscar and slept with Warren Beatty.
I guess you're wondering how I got here.
Well, it all started a long, long time ago,
when the Harlem globetrotters played their first game
in Hinckley, Illinois, and after the game,
a very sweet, nice woman made her way onto the bus
and nine months later, I was born.
(Chuckles)
And 86 years after that...
A social worker came to check up
on my great-granddaughter hope.
At first, she seemed like a nice lady.
I have a cat.
Her name is muffin.
Oh, my.
But then she stopped worrying about hope and started
worrying about how I was being treated.
That better not be the last piece of Taffy!
- Maw maw, no! - (Gasps)
The way that you treat this poor old woman is reprehensible.
I'm taking Barbara June somewhere
where she can get the care that she deserves.
You don't understand. We have to treat her like that.
- She's crazy! - Who wouldn't be?
You torture her with hot sauce,
you tie her up in saran wrap and imprison her in her room!
Hey, it's hard on us, too.
We got to reuse that saran wrap.
All our sandwiches taste like talcum powder and mothballs.
So, she had me taken away to this state-run nursing home.
And now you're all caught up.
So, if you'll excuse me, Mr. wall,
I promised to explain everything to the water fountain as well.
Whoo!
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
You have to let my grandmother out of here.
This place is depressing, and for some reason,
you have your Thanksgiving decorations up.
It's gonna confuse her.
Some of our residents don't make it to their favorite holiday,
so we have Christmas, easter and Thanksgiving every three weeks.
Just let me see her.
I'm sorry, but for her own protection,
the state prohibits you from seeing Barbara June Thompson.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you can tell the state
that two years ago we earned enough to pay taxes, so...
They work for us.
Hey, buddy.
Same shirt!
Oh, my God, it's me from the past.
I knew you'd come.
Listen to me.
When you go on that business trip to Bangkok,
wear a condom.
He seemed cool.
Hey, just for the record, when you go crazy,
do you want me to put you in a place like this,
or do you want to just be a burden to me and the kids?
No, definitely put me in a place like this.
And you want me to do the same for you, right?
Oh! No, I'm not going crazy.
Oh, no. No one in my family ever has.
Yeah, you're gonna go crazy.
Burt: She's right, Jimmy... everybody
goes bananas in our family: There's maw maw,
there's crazy Uncle Mike, crazy Uncle Tim.
Didn't you say you had a... A crazy Uncle Bobby
who would only travel via jet ski?
Took him six months to get to Arizona.
Man, this place
is on lockdown. It'd be easier
getting into Tim Tebow's pants.
Maybe this is the best thing for maw maw.
And we could make some extra money
by turning her old room into a bed-and-breakfast.
Hey, we could rent it out to an old person
who says and does funny things and acts all kooky,
but this time, we won't get attached.
We're not turning her room into anything
because it's still her room.
We need to figure out a way to sneak her out of here.
- Well, mom, they're gonna know it was us who took her. - So...
We'll hide her.
Maw maw deserves to live out her days in her own home,
surrounded by her loving family,
who is hiding her in the attic.
- It certainly worked for Anne Frank. - See?
Worked for Sabrina's friend, and it'll work now.
It's time for this family to sack up.
We're breaking her out of this hellhole.
Sabrina: So far we have figured out
which random household item will represent each one of us.
And I still don't think
it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.
Burt: Oh, it's not what you think.
It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do.
We just chose that because you're always
breaking Jimmy's balls.
(Whispers): There's the stare.
- Jimmy! - (Gasps)
And there's the crunch.
Okay. Does anybody actually have a plan?
I do.
I have the perfect plan.
♪ ♪
Burt: Sabrina, wearing the J.Lo Grammy dress,
will use her feminine wiles to distract the security guard.
Then I'll stroll in, dressed as the handsome
cable repairman to the stars,
bulk Masterson.
Once inside, we'll disengage the security cameras...
which will allow time for Virginia and Jimmy
to make their move.
They'll be dressed as food delivery people
to deliver 75 red velvet cupcakes.
74 of those cupcakes
will contain knockout drops that I've personally made
from chamomile tea, antihistamines,
and pharmaceutical grade horse tranquilizers.
Oh.
Mmm.
The 75th cupcake is the one maw maw will eat.
You'll know it by the initials M.M.
(Sighs)
Ah.
Oh.
Yeah.
If something goes wrong, Jimmy's cart
will also be loaded with a tray of pies that will have
- guns baked into them. - Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa. Whoa.
Okay. I guess I just love maw maw more than you.
Who are you kidding?
This is about you getting to lick the bowl
after I bake 75 cupcakes.
Well, if you're gonna throw the baby out with the bathwater...
Sometimes I wish I'd never given you
that phrase-of-the-day calendar.
Measure once, cut twice, Virginia.
Here's what we're gonna do: Jimmy,
do you still have all your stupid magic supplies?
Oh, no, they're not magic.
(Whispers): They're illusions.
They're under my bed.
(Grunts, chuckles)
(Quietly): I'm not saying it's not uncomfortable,
I'm just saying it's doable.
A bottle of water, a couple adult diapers...
With enough postage, we could finally take
that dream vacation to hershey, Pennsylvania.
But how are we gonna fit back in the box
after we eat all that chocolate?
Guard: Nope, there is
no amazing Jimmy on the list.
And I've gotten into a lot of trouble
lately for letting people in.
We've had a whole string of robberies.
Well, the truth of it is, is...
I was on the list,
but I made my name disappear.
Whoa.
How'd you do that?
(Guard chuckles)
Well, you go right on in, buddy.
They're gonna love you. (Chuckling)
Oh, man. I'm glad neither one of us is claustrophobic.
I know. It's bad enough that there's not enough air
and the walls are closing in on me.
- Ow. - (Breathing deeply)
(Panting)
(Gasping, groaning)
I got a lot more sympathy
for those illegal immigrants.
It was tight in there.
Now I know why conjoined twins hate each other.
Is that true?
Has to be.
All right. Let's go save maw maw.
You ready?
Let's do this.
(Grunting)
(Groaning): Oh, oh...
(Both grunting, groaning)
Woman (Over P.A. System): Attention, nursing home staff,
we are about to make a resident announcement.
(Yelling over P.A.): Attention, residents!
There will be a magic show in the auxiliary room!
A magic show!
There she is.
Boring.
Ooh, that's good. Oh.
(Whispering): Oh, my God...
They blend all their food into smoothies!
Oh, man.
If people knew this is what they were in store for,
they'd never bother flossing.
Focus, Burt.
Jimmy knows six magic tricks.
That only leaves us about ten minutes
to sneak maw maw out of here.
Oh, their bowel movements must be smooth as butter.
(Sighs) Thanks for ruining butter for me.
I'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience.
(Whispering): Jimmy. We didn't practice with a volunteer.
Oh, I've been thinking about it. I think the reason that
everybody in my family's losing it is because
we're all doing something wrong.
So I need to find an old person who's still sharp
so I can ask them what they did right.
- That's a good idea. - Yeah.
How about you, sir?
I bid ten dollars.
- Okay, not you. - You... lady.
I love grapes!
Sit down.
Mmm! Oh!
That's the best lasagna I ever drank.
(Whispering): Oh, he's leaving. He's leaving.
Maw maw.
- Oh! - It's us.
We're here to bust you out of here.
Oh, great. Ooh.
But my... my mask seems to be stuck.
(Whispering): Come on. Come on.
Aliens!
It's the aliens!
They've come to make us young.
Take us to the cocoons.
Residents: Aliens, aliens, aliens...
Aliens! Aliens!
Aliens!
Residents: Aliens! Aliens!
A-any more volunteers?
Bingo! I have bingo!
Man: Hey, kid, if you're
not gonna do a trick soon, I'm gonna go chat up
that crazy new broad they brought in.
Word is she'll do anything for Taffy.
Wait, do you know your name and where you are?
Henry. And I'm at the worst magic show ever.
Yeah, he knows exactly where he is.
May I ask you a question?
See, I've been trying to find an old person
who hasn't lost their marbles so I can ask 'em,
"how'd you do it?"
Good genes and crossword puzzles.
Puzzles and pants, got it.
Any chance you're ever gonna get that kid
out of the trunk or what?
Oh, God.
How did you do that?
Unlike you, I used to be a magician.
All right, everyone,
time for some afternoon roughage.
Those of you who have trouble getting around,
might want to start towards the bathroom as you're eating.
Great, this is just the distraction we need.
Remember what happened the last time we tried to get maw maw
to eat something other than pickles for lunch?
Go get the trunk.
I want pickles.
These are pickles.
They're Japanese pickles.
(Scoffs) The Japanese.
First they shrank the car, now they made pickles orange.
I love those clever little bastards.
I can't believe it.
It was hard to admit, but people in the nursing home
knew a lot of tricks for taking care
of old people that we didn't.
And their ways weren't just easier,
they were a lot cheaper.
Aah!
God!
At home, maw maw liked to bite people
when they tried to give her her pills.
So, Burt would have to use a bunch of our hot sauce
to get the job done.
Aah, aah, aah, aah...
Aah, ooh, oh, God.
But the nursing home people actually made it fun.
And they didn't waste a taco night's worth of hot sauce.
Oh...
Neck candy.
(Laughs)
Mmm.
And when maw maw decided to play
"the Chinese torture song..."
(Playing "chopsticks")
Time to wrap this up.
We had our way of dealing with it.
And in doing so, we wasted 20-sandwiches-worth
of plastic wrap.
But they figured out a way to change the station.
(Playing a gentle classical melody)
Joan: Don't be nervous, everyone's gonna love you.
(Cat meows)
Okay, hello, everyone!
The therapy animals are all being moved
into the auxiliary room and guess who just got certified?
Meet Dr. muffin, purr-h. D.
(Giggles)
And my mother said I'd never end up with a doctor.
(Clicking tongue) Come on.
Jimmy's bringing the van around back.
Let's do this.
(Sighs)
We can't take her, Burt.
The staff here is so much better with maw maw than I am.
I think I just lost patience over the years
and started treating her crappy.
I owe it to her to let her stay.
Well, I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing.
We'll come visit her every day.
Or every week.
Unless we're tired or busy.
We'll try, that's the important thing.
Keep an eye on your husband, sweetheart.
I'm horny and I don't play by the rules.
I'm not wearing
any diapers.
Did you hear what she just said?
I told you we didn't have to wear diapers.
Yeah, and I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious.
I'm a crazy old lady
hey, who are you?
You get out of my house.
I appreciate you trying to help, really.
But, this isn't going to make me stop missing maw maw.
You really miss her, huh?
She's only been at the nursing home a week
and they take better care of her than we ever have.
And this is where our guests take their meals.
Feel free to dine with "Al Fresco."
Unless that means "naked."
I'm not exactly sure, I just, uh, copied some stuff
out of a fancy motel pamphlet.
Speaking of which, can I see that indoor toilet
you wrote so much about?
Yeah, right down the hall.
- What's going on? - I told you.
I'm turning maw maw's room into a bed and breakfast.
The guy needs a place to stay for the holidays.
And, apparently, he got most of the blood I donated last year,
so we're practically related.
What's he paying you with?
This shirt.
Plus, he pinky promised if he ever finds a bag of money
in the woods, I get half.
You sure he wasn't crossing his fingers?
He did the first time, but I made him do it again.
How's the crossword puzzle going?
Not good.
I mean, it's just so hard.
I don't know how the geniuses at TV guide make these things.
Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.
Your TV only gets two channels.
(Ringing)
Hello?
I'm not sure how to say this.
I have some bad news about your grandmother.
Oh, no.
She's gone, isn't she?
Oh, she's gone all right.
She's gone bat-crap crazy.
(Maw maw growls)
I thought I'd seen everything here.
I lived through the great senior syphilis epidemic of '08,
but I never thought I'd see a hostage situation.
She took people hostage?
Worse: She's barricaded herself in the animal therapy lounge.
Ooh.
(Cat meows)
How many times do I have to mark my territory
for you filthy cats?
(Meows)
This is my side of the room.
What happened?
She seemed so happy the last time we were here.
When were you here?
I'll ask the questions.
What got her so upset?
The residents had just finished their Turkey
and stuffing smoothies and then, it was time for dessert,
and then somebody ate the last piece of Taffy.
What? You never want to take away this woman's Taffy.
Not unless you got a handful of circus peanuts.
But we didn't know that.
Roger: Whoa, whoa, now you've had
enough Taffy, Barbara June.
Let's give the last piece to someone else.
(Roger screams in pain)
(Growls)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, Barbara June.
(Crying): Why, why?
Why don't we just relax
and watch some fish, hmm?
Aah!
No, don't scare the clown fish.
They're very sensitive.
(Gasps, screams)
(Laughing)
Candy, candy, candy.
I have candy.
Yum, yum.
That's not candy.
That's generic thorazine.
(Screaming in pain)
And then she barricaded herself in the animal therapy lounge.
You!
You're the one who stuck me in this hellhole.
(Growls)
Which cat is yours?
None of them.
I would never bring my cat here; Never.
(Cats meowing)
(Gasping)
Oh, God, please, don't hurt my muffin!
How could she hurt your...
My cat, my cat's name is muffin.
Anything you want to say before I disprove the whole
nine lives theory?
Oh, God, you people need to do something!
Get in there and stop her before she hurts my muffin.
I'm really gonna need you to just say cat.
I don't care what you do to that woman,
just save my cat.
I'll be honest with you... a balance beam accident left me
with a tilted uterus, and muffin is as close to a child
as I'll ever have.
You heard the lady.
We got the green light, people.
It's go time.
(Cats meowing)
(Meows)
Muffin!
Aah, aah, Mexican no-no sauce.
Aah, aah!
Aah!
Oh, God, aah, aah!
Oh... finally...
Somebody who knows how to control me.
Virginia: Even that stupid do-gooder
with the dumb-looking cat had to admit,
everyone would be better off if maw maw went home.
Of course, that did mean that Natesville's
only one-star bed and breakfast would have to close down.
Oh!
Awkward.
And since maw maw was expecting a Thanksgiving dinner
we gave her one
plus we decided to try some of the tricks we learned
from the folks at the nursing home.
Maw maw?
(Playing "chopsticks")
Instead of grabbing the saran wrap, hot sauce
and spray bottle every time maw maw started to annoy us,
we got a little more creative with our solutions.
(Plays classical music)
Things around the house actually got a little
more peaceful and on those rare occasions
where we had to bring out the big guns,
well, sometimes that's just what family has to do.
Your damn pet monkey stole the last piece of Taffy.
(Maw maw grunting)
And nothing says family
like squirting your 86-year-old grandmother in the face so she
won't hit your granddaughter with a fireplace poker.
Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion.
(Laughs) Just kidding.
No, you can't stretch this crap into a three-parter.