1
00:00:00,359 --> 00:00:01,751
Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash
2
00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:03,679
- were you alone in your car?
- Yes.
3
00:00:03,799 --> 00:00:04,985
Your Honor, this was an accident.
4
00:00:05,105 --> 00:00:07,845
Plain and simple. I don't want to put
words in your mouth but...
5
00:00:08,098 --> 00:00:08,931
case dismissed.
6
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,473
And you were texting at the time, correct?
7
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:11,870
How dare you, sir?
8
00:00:11,990 --> 00:00:12,866
I was tweeting.
9
00:00:12,986 --> 00:00:14,139
Please, read Exhibit C,
10
00:00:14,259 --> 00:00:17,513
the transcript of your Twitter page
leading to the immediatelly following crash.
11
00:00:17,633 --> 00:00:21,055
"9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed"
12
00:00:21,175 --> 00:00:26,250
"9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic.
Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms"
13
00:00:26,370 --> 00:00:29,830
"9:18. Gotta pass this lady
on the 'ejkerkj'."
14
00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,448
That's when I hit the fire hydrant.
15
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:34,618
Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant.
16
00:00:34,669 --> 00:00:37,404
"9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant,
but I survived.
17
00:00:37,422 --> 00:00:39,206
"#unbreakable.
18
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,418
"#what'sMr.Glassuptothesedays?
19
00:00:41,538 --> 00:00:43,410
♪whynosequel?"
20
00:00:43,428 --> 00:00:45,846
Prosecution rests, Your Honor.
21
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,598
Mr. Haverford,
you have a problem
22
00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:48,966
keeping your eyes on the road
23
00:00:49,017 --> 00:00:50,591
and off your electronic devices.
24
00:00:50,711 --> 00:00:53,604
I'm going to tailor
a punishment to fit the crime.
25
00:00:53,638 --> 00:00:55,556
One week without screens.
26
00:00:55,590 --> 00:00:58,790
No phone, tablets,
computers, television--anything.
27
00:00:58,910 --> 00:01:00,405
No! Please,
send me to jail!
28
00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:03,197
Any slipups,
and that week becomes a month.
29
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,398
Turn in your phone, please.
30
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:05,783
Fine. One last tweet?
31
00:01:05,817 --> 00:01:07,785
Bailiff!
32
00:01:07,819 --> 00:01:10,270
Pr-press send, bailiff!
Press send!
33
00:01:30,475 --> 00:01:31,642
Howdy.
34
00:01:31,676 --> 00:01:33,510
Hey!
What's with the get-up?
35
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,312
I just got back from
that Dude Ranch with Ricky.
36
00:01:35,347 --> 00:01:37,348
It was really fun.
He bought this for me as a gift.
37
00:01:37,399 --> 00:01:39,767
A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend.
38
00:01:39,801 --> 00:01:41,101
Oh, that makes it sound
like he's a cow.
39
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,771
From your cowboy boyfriend.
Your boycow-cowboy.
40
00:01:43,805 --> 00:01:45,572
- Just call him "Ricky."
- Okay, great.
41
00:01:45,607 --> 00:01:47,775
Okay, everyone.
42
00:01:47,809 --> 00:01:50,494
Great news: Lots of old people
have chlamydia.
43
00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:51,812
Whoo!
44
00:01:51,830 --> 00:01:54,031
Seniors in Pawnee have
a lot of time on their hands,
45
00:01:54,082 --> 00:01:55,582
and what they're doing with that time
46
00:01:55,617 --> 00:01:57,951
is going at it hard,
old people-style.
47
00:01:57,985 --> 00:02:00,170
A lot of them haven't
had proper sex education,
48
00:02:00,205 --> 00:02:03,090
and as a result,
STDs are having a field day.
49
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,793
It's amazing
what a few old guys can do
50
00:02:05,827 --> 00:02:08,328
with a little bit of charm
and a lot of crabs.
51
00:02:08,346 --> 00:02:09,880
Okay, sex avengers,
52
00:02:09,931 --> 00:02:12,132
these old fogies
are very set in their ways.
53
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,018
They're hopped up
on E.D. medication
54
00:02:14,052 --> 00:02:15,686
and they got nothing to lose,
55
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,804
'cause they're close to death.
56
00:02:16,838 --> 00:02:19,139
Also, seniors can be pretty ornery.
57
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:21,809
Uh, actually, I think
it's pronounced "horny."
58
00:02:21,843 --> 00:02:24,511
I have an idea. Let's pretend
that we're old people,
59
00:02:24,529 --> 00:02:26,980
and we can ask Ann our grossest,
60
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,816
most perverted sex questions.
61
00:02:28,850 --> 00:02:30,484
I'll start.
I'm an old lady,
62
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,486
why do I need birth control?
63
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,622
I haven't had my monthly
since LBJ was president.
64
00:02:35,657 --> 00:02:36,623
Well, with the elderly,
65
00:02:36,658 --> 00:02:38,659
we are not so concerned
with pregnancy.
66
00:02:38,693 --> 00:02:40,461
We're more concerned with disease.
67
00:02:40,495 --> 00:02:42,863
Do pubic hairs get longer
the older you get?
68
00:02:42,881 --> 00:02:43,897
I don't think so, no.
69
00:02:43,932 --> 00:02:45,716
Because that's happening to me.
70
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,334
What should I do?
71
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:48,836
Where can I get lube
that is healthy to eat?
72
00:02:48,870 --> 00:02:52,005
I ran over my testicles
with my jazzy scooter.
73
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,090
I think you're good to go, nursey.
74
00:02:53,141 --> 00:02:55,092
I want to jump on that caboose.
Choo choo!
75
00:02:55,143 --> 00:02:57,094
You should never eat lube,
76
00:02:57,145 --> 00:02:58,429
you need to see a doctor immediately,
77
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,681
and I'm sorry, sir,
but you have to be under 40
78
00:03:00,715 --> 00:03:02,048
to ride this train.
79
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,984
Oh!
That's how you do it, kids.
80
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,352
Nice.
81
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,155
"LeRon James."
We still on for breakfast?
82
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,240
You are an hour and a half
late for work.
83
00:03:10,275 --> 00:03:12,493
Yeah. Sorry.
I can't use my GPS,
84
00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:13,911
but I figured it out.
85
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:16,563
I just drove around in circles
until I saw something familiar.
86
00:03:16,581 --> 00:03:18,198
You live 3 miles from here.
87
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,584
3.4,
according to my GPS,
88
00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:21,785
which I used to use every day.
89
00:03:21,836 --> 00:03:23,337
I can't use screens for a week.
90
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,339
Big deal!
I'm adapting.
91
00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:28,375
I built a real-life
Pinterest board.
92
00:03:31,713 --> 00:03:33,847
I really wish you could click those.
93
00:03:33,882 --> 00:03:36,383
Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.
94
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,518
His name is congressman David Murray,
95
00:03:37,552 --> 00:03:40,471
he is our boss and he is white.
96
00:03:40,522 --> 00:03:41,688
Don't embarrass me.
97
00:03:41,723 --> 00:03:43,256
Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt,
98
00:03:43,274 --> 00:03:45,091
coordinating director
of D.C. Operations.
99
00:03:45,110 --> 00:03:47,194
And I am April Blart, mall cop.
100
00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:49,563
Great! It's a pleasure
to finally meet you, Ben.
101
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,264
Heard such great things.
102
00:03:51,282 --> 00:03:52,766
Oh, well, I really feel
like I know you already.
103
00:03:52,784 --> 00:03:54,902
I've watched all
of your speeches and debates.
104
00:03:54,936 --> 00:03:56,236
It's very inspiring.
105
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,488
Thank you, Ben.
106
00:03:57,539 --> 00:03:59,790
And thank you all for your hard work.
107
00:03:59,824 --> 00:04:02,659
Now, stay cool.
It's a hot one out there today.
108
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:03,961
That's right,
109
00:04:03,995 --> 00:04:05,712
you could practically
cook an egg on the sidewalk.
110
00:04:05,747 --> 00:04:08,665
Terrific.
111
00:04:09,884 --> 00:04:11,451
Okay, let's make sure we're ready
112
00:04:11,469 --> 00:04:12,719
for the strategy session tomorrow.
113
00:04:12,754 --> 00:04:14,054
- Okay.
- Okay?
114
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,473
Hey, we're still
gonna assassinate him, right?
115
00:04:16,508 --> 00:04:19,092
- Don't say that.
- Ben!
116
00:04:23,398 --> 00:04:27,133
What the hell is he doing?
117
00:04:27,152 --> 00:04:29,970
Hello, can everyone hear me okay?
118
00:04:29,988 --> 00:04:31,355
No.
119
00:04:31,406 --> 00:04:33,157
Okay, great.
I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope,
120
00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:35,609
and today we are here
to talk about safe sex.
121
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,644
I know this is a personal question,
122
00:04:37,662 --> 00:04:40,414
but how many of you out there
are sexually active?
123
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:41,582
Oh, my.
124
00:04:41,616 --> 00:04:44,317
I have two partners,
often at the same time.
125
00:04:44,335 --> 00:04:45,786
Wow. Thank you.
126
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:47,838
Does anyone know what we risk
127
00:04:47,872 --> 00:04:49,923
when we have unprotected sex?
128
00:04:49,958 --> 00:04:51,508
- Heart attack.
- Falling in love.
129
00:04:51,543 --> 00:04:53,159
Partner dies on top of you!
130
00:04:53,178 --> 00:04:55,179
Yes, but the truth is,
131
00:04:55,213 --> 00:04:56,763
the greatest risk you face
132
00:04:56,798 --> 00:04:58,715
is sexually transmitted diseases.
133
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:01,134
Are these old people really
having sex with each other?
134
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:02,519
Yeah, what'd you think
they were doing?
135
00:05:02,554 --> 00:05:03,937
I don't know, I thought we were just
136
00:05:03,972 --> 00:05:05,472
talking about it.
137
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:10,060
Oh!
138
00:05:10,111 --> 00:05:12,529
And the best way to prevent
them is to use protection.
139
00:05:12,564 --> 00:05:14,147
Well, that's all fine and good,
140
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,700
but what if the banana
is soft and mushy,
141
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:18,852
and doglegs sharply to the left?
142
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,911
Oh, my God, Jerry,
when you check your email,
143
00:05:27,962 --> 00:05:30,864
you go to Altavista and type
"Please go to yahoo.com?"
144
00:05:30,882 --> 00:05:31,965
Well, how else would I do it?
145
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,467
You don't have your email bookmarked?
146
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,585
Do you have any bookmarks?
147
00:05:34,636 --> 00:05:36,036
What's bookmarks?
148
00:05:36,054 --> 00:05:38,755
God, Jerry!
You don't deserve the Internet!
149
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:39,840
I'm going crazy, Ron!
150
00:05:39,874 --> 00:05:41,425
Life without screens is pointless.
151
00:05:41,476 --> 00:05:44,728
I made an iPhone out of paper.
It's not the same, though.
152
00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:49,766
This is the work of a lunatic.
153
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,768
You need to detox.
154
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:54,220
Tomorrow, we'll go
to my cabin in the woods.
155
00:05:54,239 --> 00:05:56,056
It's so far away from civilization,
156
00:05:56,074 --> 00:05:57,741
the electric company is not even aware
157
00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:58,892
there's a structure there.
158
00:05:58,910 --> 00:06:00,661
Thanks, Ron.
159
00:06:00,695 --> 00:06:02,996
And hey, can you give me
a ride after work?
160
00:06:03,031 --> 00:06:06,617
There's no chance
I can find my way home.
161
00:06:06,668 --> 00:06:09,453
If you encounter this scenario,
162
00:06:09,504 --> 00:06:12,039
simply execute the following maneuver.
163
00:06:12,073 --> 00:06:14,675
And stop!
164
00:06:14,709 --> 00:06:16,409
Great job, and very informative,
165
00:06:16,427 --> 00:06:18,078
but we need to stop now forever
166
00:06:18,096 --> 00:06:19,179
and pretend like this never happened.
167
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:20,246
Why?
What happening?
168
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,250
Oh, boy.
169
00:06:24,269 --> 00:06:25,919
Marcia and Marshall Langman
170
00:06:25,937 --> 00:06:27,804
are the town's morality watchdogs.
171
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:31,224
Marcia is motivated,
calculating, and hyper-vigilant,
172
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,311
and her husband, Marshall, is...
173
00:06:34,362 --> 00:06:35,595
vivacious.
174
00:06:35,613 --> 00:06:39,316
This, that's happening here,
is not allowed!
175
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:42,736
We at the Society
for Family Stability Foundation
176
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,405
object to this smut being taught.
177
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,157
It's against Pawnee's
178
00:06:47,208 --> 00:06:49,743
abstinence-only
sex education law.
179
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,111
That's only for schools.
180
00:06:51,129 --> 00:06:53,163
Actually, it's not.
The way the bill is drafted
181
00:06:53,214 --> 00:06:54,881
prohibits any government employee
182
00:06:54,916 --> 00:06:58,085
from teaching anything
but abstinence, city-wide.
183
00:06:58,119 --> 00:06:59,720
- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.
184
00:06:59,754 --> 00:07:02,589
If we allow this filth
to be taught to our seniors,
185
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,391
the next you thing you know,
it'll be in our high schools,
186
00:07:04,425 --> 00:07:06,093
then our kindergartens,
and before you know it,
187
00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:07,794
we have babies in thong underwear.
188
00:07:07,812 --> 00:07:08,795
Is that what you want?
189
00:07:08,813 --> 00:07:10,230
Yes, that's what I want.
190
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,899
Ladies and gentlemen,
this vulgar sex show is over.
191
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:15,352
Please forget everything this
horrible woman has told you.
192
00:07:15,403 --> 00:07:19,806
It is not over.
It is far from over.
193
00:07:19,824 --> 00:07:22,826
Andy, pack up our bananas!
194
00:07:28,130 --> 00:07:29,152
This is a great idea.
195
00:07:29,272 --> 00:07:31,165
Fresh air, no screens.
196
00:07:31,216 --> 00:07:33,308
I'm getting really good
at chopping wood too.
197
00:07:33,979 --> 00:07:35,185
You're a regular Paul Bunyan.
198
00:07:35,305 --> 00:07:37,588
Ow!
I got stung by the wood!
199
00:07:37,622 --> 00:07:38,648
Oh, no, it's a splinter.
200
00:07:38,697 --> 00:07:39,864
I need to get on webMD now!
201
00:07:39,882 --> 00:07:41,699
I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy,
202
00:07:41,717 --> 00:07:42,800
something with 4G.
203
00:07:42,835 --> 00:07:44,201
There's no time for the edge network.
204
00:07:44,220 --> 00:07:46,004
What are you doing?
Wha--? W-w-waa!
205
00:07:46,038 --> 00:07:48,223
Got it.
206
00:07:48,257 --> 00:07:49,891
I still think
we should find a computer
207
00:07:49,925 --> 00:07:51,876
and Google
"sterilization techniques."
208
00:07:51,894 --> 00:07:53,278
Yeah, I have a new idea.
209
00:07:53,312 --> 00:07:55,964
You need to purge all of this
garbage from your system.
210
00:07:55,998 --> 00:07:58,249
Talk about all the things
you do on those screens,
211
00:07:58,284 --> 00:08:01,019
and let the words just
float away into the fresh air,
212
00:08:01,053 --> 00:08:03,655
- and then we will be done.
- Okay, worth a shot.
213
00:08:03,689 --> 00:08:06,441
Every day I start by hitting up
Facebook, Twitter,
214
00:08:06,492 --> 00:08:07,775
tumblr, and Instagram.
215
00:08:07,826 --> 00:08:09,777
Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn,
216
00:08:09,828 --> 00:08:11,996
for the professional shorties.
217
00:08:12,031 --> 00:08:13,698
See?
That was easy.
218
00:08:13,732 --> 00:08:15,199
Then I like to go on reddit.
219
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:16,417
Reddit's great, 'cause it has
220
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,453
all the important links you need.
221
00:08:20,256 --> 00:08:21,673
- New shirt?
- Yeah.
222
00:08:21,707 --> 00:08:24,042
I got it at the Dude Ranch
with my boyfriend.
223
00:08:24,076 --> 00:08:26,427
- You like it?
- It's not my favorite shirt,
224
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:29,964
but it is my least favorite shirt.
225
00:08:30,015 --> 00:08:31,549
Perd, we strongly believe
226
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:35,086
in teaching and practicing abstinence.
227
00:08:35,104 --> 00:08:38,222
We all have some crazy urges
from time to time,
228
00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:39,590
but you just can't act on them.
229
00:08:39,608 --> 00:08:42,560
You have to bury them
way down deep inside.
230
00:08:42,594 --> 00:08:45,313
You have to say, "Get out
of here, you crazy urges!
231
00:08:45,364 --> 00:08:47,065
You are not welcome
in this brain of mine!"
232
00:08:47,099 --> 00:08:48,733
There are some statistics
233
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:50,285
that I'd like to share with you now,
234
00:08:50,319 --> 00:08:51,953
and they are numbers.
235
00:08:51,987 --> 00:08:54,038
Some 85% of Pawnee residents
236
00:08:54,073 --> 00:08:56,774
support
abstinence-only education.
237
00:08:56,792 --> 00:08:59,127
And the other 15% are perverts.
238
00:08:59,161 --> 00:09:00,778
J.K., you guys.
239
00:09:00,796 --> 00:09:03,665
And 100% of Pawneeans
are "perd-verts."
240
00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:04,949
That's the name I call
241
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:06,084
fans of this show
242
00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:08,886
based on the fact
that my name is Perd.
243
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:10,638
We'll see you
after the break, perd-verts.
244
00:09:11,957 --> 00:09:13,508
Look, we need an emergency
task force meeting.
245
00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:14,592
What do we do?
246
00:09:14,626 --> 00:09:16,010
Objective studies have shown
247
00:09:16,061 --> 00:09:18,313
that abstinence-only
education doesn't work.
248
00:09:18,347 --> 00:09:19,630
People still have sex.
249
00:09:19,648 --> 00:09:20,898
They don't know how to use protection,
250
00:09:20,933 --> 00:09:22,734
so the disease keeps spreading.
251
00:09:22,768 --> 00:09:24,602
We need to give people
practical knowledge.
252
00:09:24,636 --> 00:09:26,854
Ann Perkins,
your expertise is thrilling,
253
00:09:26,905 --> 00:09:29,691
and frankly, almost arousing,
254
00:09:29,742 --> 00:09:31,075
but the law is the law.
255
00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:32,643
Well, you're on city council now.
256
00:09:32,661 --> 00:09:34,946
- Change the law.
- The people support this.
257
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:37,314
I couldn't fight those numbers
even if I wanted to.
258
00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,866
It's political suicide.
259
00:09:38,917 --> 00:09:40,752
So we're just gonna do
the thing we know doesn't work?
260
00:09:40,786 --> 00:09:42,620
- Great plan.
- There's no other option, Ann.
261
00:09:42,654 --> 00:09:43,671
Put away your sex toys
262
00:09:43,706 --> 00:09:44,789
and play with them on your own time.
263
00:09:44,823 --> 00:09:47,158
I did eat all the bananas,
264
00:09:47,176 --> 00:09:49,794
so you can't play with those.
265
00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:52,013
Oh, hey, nice work
on the jobs research.
266
00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:55,133
Shh! Look.
267
00:09:56,352 --> 00:09:57,935
What am I looking at?
He's not doing anything.
268
00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,020
That's the point.
269
00:09:59,054 --> 00:10:01,272
This morning he got in,
sat down in there,
270
00:10:01,306 --> 00:10:04,475
and has been staring
straight ahead, doing nothing.
271
00:10:04,509 --> 00:10:06,227
- He's a robot.
- He's not a robot.
272
00:10:06,278 --> 00:10:08,696
He's just thinking.
He's got a lot on his mind.
273
00:10:08,731 --> 00:10:11,015
Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one.
274
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:12,567
Must eat babies for fuel."
275
00:10:12,618 --> 00:10:14,035
Why would a robot
276
00:10:14,069 --> 00:10:15,953
need to consume organic matter?
277
00:10:15,988 --> 00:10:17,405
Sorry.
278
00:10:17,456 --> 00:10:19,857
You know what,
they probably put a TV in there,
279
00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:23,327
and he's watching old speeches
to bone up or something.
280
00:10:23,361 --> 00:10:25,296
Let's go see.
281
00:10:25,330 --> 00:10:26,748
Congressman,
282
00:10:26,799 --> 00:10:29,667
here is the briefing packet
for our strategy meeting later.
283
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:32,703
Excellent, thank you.
284
00:10:33,705 --> 00:10:35,173
Anything else I can do for you?
285
00:10:35,207 --> 00:10:37,875
No, sir.
All systems are operational.
286
00:10:37,893 --> 00:10:40,645
Great. Stay cool.
Hot one out there today.
287
00:10:41,814 --> 00:10:45,016
Thank you, congressman.
288
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:51,155
Wikipedia:
Mankind's greatest invention.
289
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:52,440
you can learn about anything.
290
00:10:52,491 --> 00:10:54,442
Take Ray J, for example.
291
00:10:54,493 --> 00:10:56,277
We all know he's a singer,
he's Brandy's brother,
292
00:10:56,328 --> 00:10:57,862
and he was in that classic sex tape
293
00:10:57,896 --> 00:10:59,280
with Kim Kardashian,
294
00:10:59,331 --> 00:11:02,116
but did you also know
he's Snoop Dogg's cousin
295
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:05,286
and he was in the '96
Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?
296
00:11:05,337 --> 00:11:07,371
Suddenly, you're on
the Mars Attacks page.
297
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:10,124
I love GChat.
You can talk to anybody.
298
00:11:10,175 --> 00:11:12,910
I hit up Brad.Pitt.
It wasn't the actor.
299
00:11:12,928 --> 00:11:16,514
It's actually a guy named Brad
that's a teacher in Pittsburgh.
300
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:20,852
We don't have a lot in common,
but we chat quite a bit.
301
00:11:20,886 --> 00:11:23,354
"Emoji" are little cartoons
you text instead of words.
302
00:11:23,388 --> 00:11:24,722
Instead of saying,
"What up, boo?"
303
00:11:24,756 --> 00:11:26,757
You can type "What up,"
and then a cute, little ghost,
304
00:11:26,775 --> 00:11:27,809
'cause
that means "boo."
305
00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:28,943
There's even a little Indian guy,
306
00:11:28,977 --> 00:11:31,312
but he has a turban on,
which I think is racist,
307
00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:33,731
but the Asian guy
also has a racist hat on,
308
00:11:33,765 --> 00:11:34,932
and it's like, "Hold up,
309
00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:36,100
didn't Japanese people
invent this?"
310
00:11:36,118 --> 00:11:38,069
Podcasts.
There are a million of 'em,
311
00:11:38,103 --> 00:11:39,770
and they're all amazing.
312
00:11:39,788 --> 00:11:42,790
Jean-Ralphio and I have one
called "Nacho average podcast,"
313
00:11:42,825 --> 00:11:44,275
where we rate
different kinds of nachos.
314
00:11:44,293 --> 00:11:46,210
- It seems like--
- Okay, that's enough!
315
00:11:46,245 --> 00:11:47,444
No more talking.
316
00:11:47,463 --> 00:11:48,963
But you told me
to get it all out of my system.
317
00:11:48,997 --> 00:11:51,582
I had no idea how much
you had in your system.
318
00:11:51,616 --> 00:11:52,800
This is a real problem, Tom.
319
00:11:52,835 --> 00:11:56,337
You are an addict
and you need to change.
320
00:11:56,388 --> 00:12:00,308
I've downloaded
every episode of Intervention.
321
00:12:00,342 --> 00:12:03,227
I know what to do here.
322
00:12:03,262 --> 00:12:04,479
You're right.
323
00:12:04,513 --> 00:12:05,847
I am an addict.
324
00:12:05,898 --> 00:12:09,233
I've hurt all my friends
and family with my addiction.
325
00:12:09,268 --> 00:12:11,635
I will accept this gift
of rehabilitation.
326
00:12:11,653 --> 00:12:12,904
I'm proud of you,
327
00:12:12,938 --> 00:12:15,323
but also a bit fearful
that we're verging on
328
00:12:15,357 --> 00:12:18,075
what I call "feelings territory,"
329
00:12:18,110 --> 00:12:20,278
so let's stare at the fire in silence.
330
00:12:20,312 --> 00:12:22,313
I've had a breakthrough, Ron.
331
00:12:22,331 --> 00:12:24,148
What do you say
you chop up some more wood,
332
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:25,416
and I'll take your car
333
00:12:25,450 --> 00:12:28,920
and go grab us some victory steaks?
334
00:12:30,005 --> 00:12:31,289
Perfect.
335
00:12:31,323 --> 00:12:33,541
I'm so glad
you've come to your senses.
336
00:12:33,592 --> 00:12:35,459
Here's our educational pamphlet.
337
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,595
I recommend you start reading
at chapter three.
338
00:12:37,629 --> 00:12:38,963
"Chapter three.
339
00:12:38,997 --> 00:12:40,798
There's a party in your pants
and no one is invited."
340
00:12:40,832 --> 00:12:42,800
This is crazy.
I mean, obviously,
341
00:12:42,834 --> 00:12:45,686
the best way to prevent disease
is to magically stop all sex,
342
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,138
but that's not gonna happen.
343
00:12:47,172 --> 00:12:49,840
Well, maybe not where you
come from in "Tramp-sylvania."
344
00:12:49,858 --> 00:12:52,276
Good one, honey!
345
00:12:52,311 --> 00:12:55,062
I'm from Michigan!
346
00:12:55,113 --> 00:12:56,731
That wasn't worth saying.
347
00:12:56,782 --> 00:12:58,366
Why are you doing this?
You're gonna get up there
348
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,817
and say a bunch of stuff
you don't believe?
349
00:12:59,851 --> 00:13:00,985
Well, it's the law.
350
00:13:01,019 --> 00:13:02,703
I get that.
I just--
351
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,322
You're not acting like yourself.
352
00:13:04,356 --> 00:13:07,158
Really?
You want to go there?
353
00:13:07,192 --> 00:13:08,192
Go where?
354
00:13:08,210 --> 00:13:09,193
You know where we're going.
355
00:13:09,211 --> 00:13:10,578
No, I have no idea, honestly.
356
00:13:10,629 --> 00:13:11,829
Okay, I guess we're going there.
357
00:13:11,863 --> 00:13:12,863
Are we leaving?
358
00:13:12,881 --> 00:13:13,965
You want me to act like myself?
359
00:13:13,999 --> 00:13:15,032
You're dressed like a cowboy!
360
00:13:15,050 --> 00:13:17,835
So? It's fun,
and I like it.
361
00:13:17,869 --> 00:13:20,221
When you dated Andy,
you dressed in flannels.
362
00:13:20,255 --> 00:13:22,390
When you dated Chris,
you dressed in spandex.
363
00:13:22,424 --> 00:13:25,176
Ann, please do not lecture me
about acting like myself.
364
00:13:25,210 --> 00:13:28,563
You're dressed like an abstinence girl
365
00:13:28,597 --> 00:13:30,264
on the outside!
366
00:13:30,315 --> 00:13:31,849
God, I'm off
my comeback game right now.
367
00:13:31,883 --> 00:13:33,550
You know what? I don't care,
do whatever you want.
368
00:13:33,569 --> 00:13:35,319
Okay.
369
00:13:35,354 --> 00:13:36,821
Girl, you look like Annie Oakley
370
00:13:36,855 --> 00:13:40,241
and Pippi Longstocking
had a baby and I love it.
371
00:13:42,277 --> 00:13:43,828
A deer jumped in front of the car,
372
00:13:43,862 --> 00:13:45,196
and then a bear
jumped in front of the deer!
373
00:13:46,448 --> 00:13:48,950
"'Tommy-edamame'
is back on the grid.
374
00:13:49,001 --> 00:13:51,168
"Tell everyone to light me up
with their dijjies,
375
00:13:51,203 --> 00:13:52,787
gotta load 'em
into my burner."
376
00:13:52,838 --> 00:13:55,406
Yes, I went to Best Buy
and bought a phone.
377
00:13:55,424 --> 00:13:57,458
Out of the car, now.
378
00:13:57,509 --> 00:13:59,677
Where are we going, Ron?
379
00:13:59,711 --> 00:14:01,629
Are we walking to Best Buy
to get a better phone?
380
00:14:03,081 --> 00:14:05,349
♪ I'm Marshall Langman
and I'm here to say ♪
381
00:14:05,384 --> 00:14:07,751
♪ that sex before marriage
is never the way ♪
382
00:14:07,769 --> 00:14:10,221
♪ I waited till marriage
and then some to do it ♪
383
00:14:10,255 --> 00:14:11,889
♪ if you decide to sin,
you'll rue it! ♪
384
00:14:11,923 --> 00:14:13,590
Word.
385
00:14:13,609 --> 00:14:15,592
Whoo! Whoo!
386
00:14:15,611 --> 00:14:17,094
Thank you very much, Marshall.
387
00:14:17,112 --> 00:14:18,896
Hello, my aged friends.
388
00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:21,532
Some of you might remember
that I was here before.
389
00:14:21,566 --> 00:14:23,818
- I don't remember that.
- Well, I was.
390
00:14:23,869 --> 00:14:25,870
But I have a new message for you.
391
00:14:25,904 --> 00:14:30,741
The best way to be safe
is to simply postpone sex
392
00:14:30,775 --> 00:14:32,326
until marriage.
393
00:14:32,377 --> 00:14:34,412
I am not going to be told
not to have sex
394
00:14:34,446 --> 00:14:37,164
by someone who's ten years my junior.
395
00:14:37,215 --> 00:14:39,216
Amen, Gladys.
You're right!
396
00:14:39,251 --> 00:14:41,285
Not about the age thing,
about the other thing.
397
00:14:41,303 --> 00:14:42,953
Perhaps you might understand it better
398
00:14:42,971 --> 00:14:45,006
if I read to you from this pamphlet,
399
00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:47,508
So you think you know more than God.
400
00:14:47,559 --> 00:14:48,792
"Our bodies are God's gift,
401
00:14:48,810 --> 00:14:50,761
"but they're also
the devil's playground.
402
00:14:50,795 --> 00:14:52,847
"The devil likes to hide
403
00:14:52,898 --> 00:14:55,066
"in all your private nooks
and crannies,
404
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:56,967
"and if you open too wide,
405
00:14:56,985 --> 00:14:59,570
he might get out, or in."
What--?
406
00:14:59,604 --> 00:15:02,323
Can we just see
the condom demonstration again?
407
00:15:02,357 --> 00:15:05,242
'Cause I don't know
where Lou has been.
408
00:15:05,277 --> 00:15:10,114
Well, I-I wish I-I could,
but I--
409
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,536
Oh, screw it.
Okay, here.
410
00:15:15,587 --> 00:15:16,820
This is a penis, right?
411
00:15:16,838 --> 00:15:18,539
You put a condom on it,
and you pull the tip like this,
412
00:15:18,590 --> 00:15:21,008
and you roll it
all the way down the penis.
413
00:15:21,043 --> 00:15:22,426
Tell you what, condoms for everybody!
414
00:15:22,461 --> 00:15:23,711
Who wants some?
415
00:15:23,762 --> 00:15:25,379
Safe sex for everybody!
416
00:15:25,430 --> 00:15:26,430
- Hey!
- This is--
417
00:15:26,465 --> 00:15:28,293
Hey, who wants to party?
418
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,928
It's a censure from the mayor's office.
419
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,127
It's so official.
420
00:15:33,161 --> 00:15:34,611
I mean, look at the paper quality.
421
00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:36,247
This is no joke.
422
00:15:36,281 --> 00:15:38,215
I know I'm supposed
to help educate the public,
423
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:41,202
but I also have an obligation
to uphold the laws.
424
00:15:41,236 --> 00:15:42,753
You're my boss.
What's my move here?
425
00:15:42,787 --> 00:15:44,555
Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.
426
00:15:44,589 --> 00:15:45,285
That's right.
427
00:15:45,405 --> 00:15:46,914
Why am I still weirdly scared of you?
428
00:15:47,034 --> 00:15:49,593
I'm very confident
and I make a lot of eye contact.
429
00:15:49,628 --> 00:15:50,350
Hmm.
430
00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:51,862
As your city manager,
431
00:15:51,897 --> 00:15:55,066
I recommend
that you formally apologize
432
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,133
and that, in the future,
433
00:15:56,151 --> 00:15:58,069
you stick to the letter of the law,
434
00:15:58,103 --> 00:16:00,237
but between you and me,
as your best friend...
435
00:16:00,272 --> 00:16:02,022
- Wha--?
- I kind of admire
436
00:16:02,074 --> 00:16:03,491
what you did up there.
437
00:16:03,525 --> 00:16:04,909
Made me happy that I voted for you
438
00:16:04,943 --> 00:16:07,445
as my city council member.
439
00:16:07,479 --> 00:16:09,947
Okay, this is great, just make sure
440
00:16:09,981 --> 00:16:11,735
that you don't go
too tight on him, all right?
441
00:16:11,855 --> 00:16:13,417
- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Mm.
442
00:16:13,452 --> 00:16:15,369
What's the deal with the congressman?
443
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:18,172
Seriously, like,
he seems a little robotic...
444
00:16:18,206 --> 00:16:19,256
Or something?
445
00:16:19,291 --> 00:16:21,125
Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah.
446
00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:22,460
He turns it on when he has to,
447
00:16:22,494 --> 00:16:24,128
and when he doesn't,
he just sits there.
448
00:16:24,162 --> 00:16:26,213
There's no surprises, it's perfect.
449
00:16:26,264 --> 00:16:28,849
Oh, congressman,
can you just sit in the chair
450
00:16:28,884 --> 00:16:30,834
to test the satellite feed?
451
00:16:30,852 --> 00:16:32,269
Okey-dokey.
452
00:16:32,304 --> 00:16:34,271
Just run through
some of your stump speech.
453
00:16:34,306 --> 00:16:37,558
We've gone through
some difficult times,
454
00:16:37,609 --> 00:16:40,177
but we're from Ohio.
We're tough.
455
00:16:40,195 --> 00:16:42,980
We won't just survive
these dark times,
456
00:16:43,014 --> 00:16:45,483
we will thrive!
457
00:16:45,517 --> 00:16:47,368
That's great.
Good.
458
00:16:47,402 --> 00:16:49,904
Cool beans.
459
00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:52,957
See you guys later.
460
00:16:54,292 --> 00:16:57,661
God, I love him.
He's the best.
461
00:16:57,695 --> 00:17:00,364
I'm sorry I crashed your car.
462
00:17:00,382 --> 00:17:02,500
Please forgive me, Ron.
Please, Ron?
463
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:04,885
Please?
464
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,637
What are you doing?
Are you going to kill me?
465
00:17:06,671 --> 00:17:10,224
Why do you need to be
constantly distracted, Tom?
466
00:17:12,344 --> 00:17:13,561
The truth is
467
00:17:13,595 --> 00:17:15,513
I spend a lot of time
looking at screens
468
00:17:15,547 --> 00:17:16,981
because recently,
469
00:17:17,015 --> 00:17:18,432
a lot of the stuff in my real life
470
00:17:18,483 --> 00:17:19,900
isn't going that great.
471
00:17:19,935 --> 00:17:22,987
So I'd rather play Doodle Jump
then think about that.
472
00:17:23,021 --> 00:17:25,990
Okay?
I'm sorry, I really am.
473
00:17:27,225 --> 00:17:28,576
Go sit in your office
474
00:17:28,610 --> 00:17:31,829
while I consider whether
to turn you in to the judge.
475
00:17:31,863 --> 00:17:34,999
And while you're there,
neither doodle nor jump.
476
00:17:39,671 --> 00:17:43,407
Hey. I just wanted
to come lend my support.
477
00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:44,708
What are you going to say out there?
478
00:17:44,742 --> 00:17:47,044
I don't know.
I got censured, it's a big deal.
479
00:17:47,078 --> 00:17:49,964
Well, if you ask me,
you were elected to lead
480
00:17:50,015 --> 00:17:51,382
and not to follow.
481
00:17:51,416 --> 00:17:53,684
Which is probably
what I should've said
482
00:17:53,718 --> 00:17:55,052
instead of what I did say.
483
00:17:55,086 --> 00:17:56,720
I feel terrible about what I said too.
484
00:17:56,754 --> 00:17:58,255
No, you were right.
485
00:17:58,273 --> 00:18:00,424
I know, but I still feel terrible.
486
00:18:00,442 --> 00:18:01,775
I'm sorry, continue.
487
00:18:01,810 --> 00:18:04,061
I kind of lost myself
in this relationship.
488
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,263
I bought a lasso online, Leslie.
489
00:18:06,281 --> 00:18:07,364
Yikes.
490
00:18:07,399 --> 00:18:09,733
I turned all my jeans
into Daisy Dukes.
491
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:11,869
My personality kinda gets swept up
492
00:18:11,903 --> 00:18:15,105
in whatever guy I'm dating,
and I want to change that.
493
00:18:15,123 --> 00:18:16,607
I broke it off with Ricky.
494
00:18:16,625 --> 00:18:18,075
Well, that's good, but I'll tell you,
495
00:18:18,109 --> 00:18:20,578
he'll never lasso another heifer
496
00:18:20,612 --> 00:18:24,164
as fine as you, Annie Oakley.
497
00:18:24,216 --> 00:18:26,450
The story of that commercial break is
498
00:18:26,484 --> 00:18:27,585
it's over.
499
00:18:27,619 --> 00:18:30,221
Leslie, what exactly
does "censure" mean?
500
00:18:30,255 --> 00:18:32,139
It means that I have been
formally disciplined
501
00:18:32,173 --> 00:18:33,674
for breaking the law.
502
00:18:33,725 --> 00:18:36,960
Well, you know what they say,
"You break it, you buy it."
503
00:18:36,978 --> 00:18:38,445
That doesn't really apply here.
504
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,481
Tell that to the folks at Pier 1,
505
00:18:40,515 --> 00:18:43,800
an establishment
I'm no longer allowed inside.
506
00:18:43,818 --> 00:18:45,302
Perd, I'd like to apologize.
507
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,604
Thank you.
508
00:18:46,638 --> 00:18:49,473
Apologize for the antiquated
laws in this city.
509
00:18:49,491 --> 00:18:52,192
States that teach
abstinence-only
510
00:18:52,244 --> 00:18:54,778
have the highest rates
of teen pregnancy and STDs.
511
00:18:54,812 --> 00:18:56,697
To continue this policy is insane.
512
00:18:56,748 --> 00:19:00,150
Look, we all want
the same thing, right?
513
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:03,287
We want fewer unwanted
pregnancies and fewer STDs.
514
00:19:03,321 --> 00:19:05,656
Why don't we use
every weapon that we have?
515
00:19:05,674 --> 00:19:07,991
I know that most of you
don't agree with me on this,
516
00:19:08,009 --> 00:19:11,178
but I'm going to fight very hard
to change your minds,
517
00:19:11,212 --> 00:19:13,797
and until then,
I will take this censure,
518
00:19:13,831 --> 00:19:17,834
and I will wear it proudly,
like a badge of honor.
519
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,353
Wow, strong words from a woman
520
00:19:19,387 --> 00:19:22,056
who is trying to pin
a piece of paper to her blazer.
521
00:19:22,107 --> 00:19:25,509
Next up on the program,
we hear from you, our fans,
522
00:19:25,527 --> 00:19:28,612
in our new segment,
"Are you there, perd-verts?
523
00:19:28,647 --> 00:19:31,815
It's me, Perd,
hosting a new segment."
524
00:19:31,849 --> 00:19:35,352
I'm so bored.
525
00:19:35,370 --> 00:19:36,620
I have something for you, son.
526
00:19:36,655 --> 00:19:38,572
- My iPhone?
- No.
527
00:19:38,623 --> 00:19:40,524
I am giving you
a non-electronic book
528
00:19:40,542 --> 00:19:41,742
made of paper from a tree.
529
00:19:41,793 --> 00:19:46,196
It is called
Auto Repair Manual: 1982.
530
00:19:46,214 --> 00:19:48,198
You will read this book
from cover to cover,
531
00:19:48,216 --> 00:19:51,468
then you will assist me in
repairing the damage to my car.
532
00:19:51,503 --> 00:19:53,470
I will not report you to the judge,
533
00:19:53,505 --> 00:19:56,039
but if you slip up again,
you will have much more to fear
534
00:19:56,057 --> 00:19:58,559
than some feeble
government employee in a robe.
535
00:19:58,593 --> 00:20:00,043
- Thanks.
- Two more things.
536
00:20:00,061 --> 00:20:01,345
When you do get your phone back,
537
00:20:01,379 --> 00:20:02,879
you will not stare at it
538
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,648
when you're talking
with another human being.
539
00:20:04,683 --> 00:20:06,850
Look a man in the eye
when you speak with him.
540
00:20:06,884 --> 00:20:08,819
And second, if you ever need
541
00:20:08,853 --> 00:20:12,439
to discuss your problems
with someone...
542
00:20:12,490 --> 00:20:15,058
find Leslie.
She lives for that crap.
543
00:20:15,076 --> 00:20:18,228
Get to work.
544
00:20:18,246 --> 00:20:20,698
They're killing me in the press.
545
00:20:20,732 --> 00:20:23,500
The Pawnee Sun
is calling me "Loose-ly Grope."
546
00:20:23,535 --> 00:20:25,068
But you know what?
I don't even care.
547
00:20:25,086 --> 00:20:26,236
I'm gonna kick all their asses!
548
00:20:26,254 --> 00:20:27,588
I am so fired up!
549
00:20:27,622 --> 00:20:29,873
I'm gonna go right now
and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls
550
00:20:29,907 --> 00:20:32,543
so I can draft a new bill
to undo abstinence-only.
551
00:20:32,577 --> 00:20:34,795
Man, you are just a machine.
552
00:20:34,846 --> 00:20:36,463
Get stuff done.
553
00:20:36,514 --> 00:20:38,248
Hey, why don't you send it to me
when you have a draft?
554
00:20:38,266 --> 00:20:39,883
- I'll try to help.
- You're the greatest.
555
00:20:39,917 --> 00:20:41,301
But you're gonna have
to take out a lot of cursing,
556
00:20:41,353 --> 00:20:42,753
'cause like I said,
I am very fired up.
557
00:20:42,771 --> 00:20:45,906
Well, you go get 'em.
I love you.
558
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,192
I love you too.
What are you wearing?
559
00:20:48,226 --> 00:20:49,893
I can't do that right now.
560
00:20:52,132 --> 00:20:55,620
- Yo, you ready to go?
- Why, yes, I am, April!
561
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,529
Let's go now!
562
00:20:57,531 --> 00:20:58,530
What's wrong with you?
563
00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,541
Wonderful!
564
00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:02,116
Hey, be careful out there.
565
00:21:02,236 --> 00:21:04,503
Traffic is nuts
on the streets and roads.
566
00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:07,039
Oh, no!
They got you!
567
00:21:07,041 --> 00:21:08,624
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ha, ha.
568
00:21:08,626 --> 00:21:10,279
Terrific!
Hey, I'm hungry.
569
00:21:10,375 --> 00:21:12,958
Let's go eat some batteries--
I mean, human food.
570
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,243
Hey, uh, batteries--
571
00:21:14,245 --> 00:21:16,212
I mean, human food sounds good to me.
572
00:21:16,214 --> 00:21:17,309
Wonderful.
573
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:21,884
Let's go.