Hi sweetie, it's me daddy. Fun daddy.
I mean daddy Dave is fun too, he's more fun in a
let's go to the library and look at the maps kind of way.
Anyway, it's about 6 o'clock
and I was thinking once you arrive
this will probably be about the time that you go nighty night.
And I've always had this dream about tucking my baby in.
So, if you were here, I would say
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
but if I die before I wake...
It's probably due to a huge earthquake. (Laughs)
That is downright disrespectful.
Bedtime prayers are a serious thing.
It's your last words to God
before he holds your soul for the night.
That's what I tell my goddaughter.
You have a goddaughter?
Why is that so surprising?
I don't know. You just don't really seem
like the godparent type, what with all the anger
and the cursing and the binge drinking.
Well, that's on the outside.
But on the inside,
I have a very evolved spirituality.
The Jew in the room has a question.
What exactly is a godparent?
I mean, I've heard of it,
but I don't quite understand what they do.
It's mostly about rides to the airport, right?
Oh, no. No, it's the person who raises your kid
if something really bad happens to you,
like you die in a car crash
or on the toilet, like Elvis.
No. (Chuckles)
That's a guardian.
A godparent is someone
the child goes to for spiritual guidance.
Like I do for my goddaughter, Pam.
Every Sunday after church,
we reflect together on the minister's sermon.
Miss Rocky, where do we go when we die?
Oh, baby, that pretty little soul of yours
will most definitely go up to the angels.
But your body? It's gonna get dumped in the ground
and eaten by worms and bugs.
And then someone will plant veggies,
and they'll grow from the bug poo.
Now that potato salad you eating?
It's probably your granddaddy.
Oh...
Come on, baby. Shake a little hot sauce on him.
It's not a bad idea, finding godparents.
I have no spiritual advice to offer.
The only thing I ever got from the church
was a lifelong complex about inferior abs.
You stare at Jesus throughout puberty.
That guy was ripped.
We need to find godparents.
Hello, Goldie. Hi, Shania.
Nicotine gum?
I'm pregnant. I know.
I just always feel obliged to offer if people see I have some.
Shania? Good for you.
Don't smoke and don't text and drive.
Hey, who is that adorable smelly friend
you brought into my office
instead of leaving it anywhere but here?
His name is Marshmallow. He's our class guinea pig.
It's a school project to teach kids
how to take care of living things.
It's also a way to show my class
what our family looks like.
Will you take our picture, Gary? Oh, yeah.
I'll be happy to. But don't ever sleep with it.
It'll poop right in your mouth.
Okay, all right.
Get together there. Don't force it, Goldie.
Here we go.
Say craigslist. One, two, three!
Both: Craigslist.
Boom. Great.
So, Goldie, we like all of our surrogates
to pop in for little mental health pit stops.
How you doing?
Great. Some morning sickness
and a love-hate relationship with nachos.
(Chuckles) I hear that. I love 'em, hate 'em.
But Bryan and David have been amazing.
We've become incredibly close.
I love that you're feeling connected to them,
I really do, but let me give you
the 411 on rule number one of surrogacy 101.
When you deliver David and Bryan's baby,
your job is complete.
They get their child, you get your money,
and everybody goes their separate ways.
Gary, that's not true.
Bryan and David would never keep me away
from my baby brother or sister.
Oh, Shania, sweetie,
this baby isn't related to you.
The doctor planted another lady's egg in me
that was fertilized with David's sperm.
Mom, this baby's growing inside you.
It's absorbing all your love and niceness and yogurt.
Plus, I talk to it all the time in Spanish.
It knows my voice.
Crecer Grande y fuerte, ninito!
I'm so sorry, sweetie, but this baby isn't a part of us,
even though it may feel that way.
I'm just a, a...
A storage unit with legs.
Beautifully said, Goldie.
So do you know what you're having yet?
A boy, a girl?
I think we're gonna let gender be a surprise.
As long as he or she is healthy
and willing to go to Laker games with me.
So, with our baby coming,
we have been talking more and more about spirituality
it got us thinking
about your commitment ceremony in Ojai,
and how incredibly moving it was.
And you're one of the few couples we know
with a true spiritual conviction.
You know, that actually practice.
Everyone else we know just goes to spin class.
So, Tiffany, Victoria,
would you like to be our child's godparents?
Wow. That's...
Godparents.
We didn't even know
you guys were believers.
Oh, I'm not. Religion requires faith,
and I'm more interested in facts.
But, Bryan, you used to go to church, right?
Yeah, every Sunday, up until, like, 15 years ago.
And then...
I don't know why I stopped, exactly.
Might have had something to do with the fact
that I just wanted to test the rule about
all-you-can-eat at the Four Seasons brunch.
But we still want our baby
to have a strong spiritual connection,
even if we can't provide it.
Look, it might be hard for us to be a godparent
to someone else's child when we can't have one of our own.
Victoria has a dented uterus,
and my eggs are practically powdered.
Oh, we're so sorry.
It's ironic, too.
We have twice the baby-making parts.
We're failures on an exponential level.
Well, I mean, there's always adoption.
You say that like it's easy.
We have spent the last six years and all of our money
on a child that we will never have.
So forgive me if I can't
get it up to raise somebody else's kid.
You know, or be a spiritual beacon
for yours when God has just taken
a divine dump on my dream.
But, you know, super touched that you guys thought of us.
Angry! Ooh...
Sad. Mm...
Happy. Ee!
Is that good?
Okay, try to convey quirky confidence because this is
my tribute to Annie Leibovitz.
Is that the little girl in your class
Nana thinks runs the media?
Let's go see Bryan and David.
They always know what I'm talking about.
Maybe we should give the guys a break.
Make it a mom, Shania, Marshmallow weekend?
If you want me to fail the assignment.
I'm supposed to take pictures of Marshmallow with my family,
and that includes Bryan and David.
I know Bryan and David feel
like an important part of our lives right now,
but it's like Gary said...
Gary at expanding families? He's a freak.
When you left the room to pee,
he asked me if I'd call
his ex-boyfriend to see if another man answered.
I just don't want you getting hurt.
The boys will always be a part of our lives. You'll see.
I mean, Bryan and I are identical souls.
We have the exact same take on everything.
Get the cameraman! Get the cameraman! No, not the gazelle!
No, no, the cameraman! No, no, eat the cameraman!
Get the cameraman! Eat the fatty! He can't run!
He's like three feet away! Eat the fatty! He can't run!
Both: Oh...
Mom, I have faith in Bryan and David.
I believe they really love us.
Who are you gonna listen to: Gary, a man who asked me
to lend him two grand, or your own heart?
(Bryan and Shania chuckling)
David: So cool.
They actually look like polaroids.
What are polaroids?
It's just an old-timey word David likes to use.
Like "landline" or "Josh Hartnett."
Okay, honey, it's time to hit the road.
Aw, do we have to? Uh-huh.
It feels like we haven't seen these guys in forever.
I know, honey. I'm sorry about that.
But David and I are on a noble quest.
We're on the hunt for godparents.
Mom, do I have godparents?
No, sweetie. You know, I asked Nana
when I was pregnant, but she told me
that if I took an illegitimate child
into a church, it would be like killing Jesus twice.
Sounds right.
So, since I don't have any godparents,
maybe you guys could be mine.
Us? Oh, godparents?
That's a pretty big responsibility, Shania.
Bryan: Yeah, and really sweet, honey,
but I'm afraid we have to say no.
No, no, no, it's just that Bryan and I
don't have a lot to offer
in the whole spiritual guidance department.
Yeah, you really can't be someone's godparent
if you don't have spiritual conviction of your own.
No. It's okay. I get it.
Okay.
Oh...
What was that?
We met with Gary the other day, and he told us
that most surrogates don't stay in contact with the parents
after the baby's born.
Goldie, we hope that you'll always be a part of our lives.
We can hope this is permanent, but the truth is,
when the baby comes, everything's gonna change.
Bryan: 12 dudes sitting around gossiping and drinking wine?
You call that the last supper?
I call that a Tuesday night.
Hey, Mary. I'm a virgin, too.
I've also slept in a barn with three wise men.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be
talking smack about your mother.
But you know who judges me? Your father.
You here for confession?
Uh, bless me, father, for I have sinned.
It has been 20 years since my last confession.
Commandment-wise, I have
pretty much done 'em all,
except for kill someone and covet my neighbor's wife.
Okay, three hail Marys. Have a nice day.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Um, is-is... that's it?
Well, if you're not gonna take this seriously,
I'm gonna get back to playing angry birds.
Oh, okay, um,
my partner and I are
having a baby and we're looking for godparents,
but I don't think I can find spiritual foundation
in others if I can't even find it in myself.
So that's why I'm here.
So, you're gay.
Uh, yeah. I guess I should have led with that.
No, I get it. I committed my life
to a man, as well. Eh, that's really funny.
I'm actually talking about an actual man
that I actually lay with,
leviticus style.
Well, contrary to popular opinion,
being gay isn't a sin.
The church is not anti-gay.
Yet any chance he gets, the pope treats gay marriage
like Amanda Bynes treats pedestrians.
Oh, yeah, the pope. Come on.
Haven't you ever had a lovable old Uncle
who popped off intolerant comments
at a family barbecue?
Can't you get fired for saying stuff like that?
I don't know if you noticed,
but it's pretty hard to get fired around here.
(Chuckles)
I was raised Catholic.
I love the tradition,
I love the ritual.
I mean, don't get me started on the stations of the cross.
But you guys don't accept me.
So, what am I supposed to do, father?
I mean, you tell me. Where do I go?
Well, there are plenty of churches
specifically geared to your community.
Uch! Rainbow flags and tambourines.
I don't want to be forced to use a separate water fountain.
Why can't the church be accepting of all people?
We are. We embrace everyone, just like Jesus.
Oh, you know what? You toss Jesus' name around,
but you don't exactly practice what he preached,
'cause Jesus wouldn't have judged people
based on their sexuality because Jesus loved everyone.
Oh, wrong! I never bought that.
"Jesus is a blissed out hippie" crap.
That man was pissed off!
He walked into temples, told 'em they were doing it
all wrong and wrecked the place.
He was the Chuck Norris of his day.
Except his beard wasn't nearly as well-groomed.
Well, as true as that might be,
Jesus also said turn the other cheek.
Which didn't mean, lay down and take it.
In those days, turn the other cheek was an act of defiance.
It meant, I will see your insult
and raise you a "suck it."
He saw hypocrisy and injustice
and he said, "seriously? You guys are idiots.
This has got to change!"
So you're saying the church can change? Well, it would.
I've seen gay people battle discrimination and march
for marriage equality.
They demanded the right to fight for their countries,
but for their souls? Nope.
They just give up, walk away.
Jesus was a fighter, son.
How about you?
Hey, did you call Goldie
and remind them to come pick up Shania's guinea pig?
Yeah, right before I went to church.
I'm not nagging you. You don't have to be sarcastic.
No, David, I really went to church.
I met with a priest and everything.
I even confessed my sins.
That doesn't sound like the man that I'm not
allowed to marry. I just figured
if we're getting serious about finding godparents,
we should probably get serious about finding God.
The church used to be really important to me.
I used to go every week. Do you ever think about
maybe going back to Judaism?
Ugh! I couldn't shake it if I tried. Why do
you think my ancestors wandered the hot desert for 40 years?
It's why my people retire to fort lauderdale.
Is that why?
I guess with the baby coming,
I should think about maybe joining a temple.
We got a problem.
Please tell me he just watched that Steve Martin movie
about competitive bird watching and fell into a deep sleep.
He's dead.
David, did you forget to water it?
See, that's the problem right there.
I thought you were gonna do it!
You know I just say things! Quick, give him mouth-to-mouth!
What? I'm not putting
my mouth on a pig, even a guinea pig.
I've had a religious awakening.
From this moment on, I'm keeping kosher.
(Sighs) Ah, God. Okay, Marshmallow,
I'm just gonna check the vital signs here.
Just blow into his mouth! Okay!
Run away from the light, Marshmallow.
Think about your family!
Come on, Marshmallow!
You have so much to live for, Marshmallow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
We killed Marshmallow.
How in the hell are we supposed to take care of a baby
when we can't even keep a guinea pig alive for a day?
Well, for starters, we're not keeping
our baby in a cage in the laundry room.
Poor Shania. What are we gonna do?
It's so obvious.
Rocky, go to the pet store,
find a guinea pig that looks just like Marshmallow.
The kid will never know the difference.
That's brilliant. What are you doing?
Googling to see how many TV families have tried
the same ol' tired plan that never works.
Okay, let's see: The Bradys, the Partridges,
the Growing Painses... Oh, and Saved by the Bell.
Well, if it's good enough for Saved by the Bell,
it's good enough for me.
Oh, I know. I watch your show.
Rocky, it is really amazing.
I would never even know the difference.
Yeah. What'd you do with the body?
Don't ask questions you can't handle the answer to.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, my God, they're here.
Okay, act natural. I sound like an insane person.
Bryan: Hey!
Shania, there's someone who is
literally pooping himself with excitement to see you.
And for once, it's not me.
Oh, we missed you!
He missed you, too! He was so much fun.
(Chuckles)
Uh, something's wrong with Marshmallow.
What do you mean?
He has a vagina. Rocky...
Hey, you want me to check a guinea pig's private parts, that's extra.
What's happening here?
Uh, I think I can explain.
Shania,
the transgender movement is a proud and...
Oh, my God, Bryan!
Honey, that is not Marshmallow.
That is a guinea pig David and Bryan well-meaningly
told me to go out and buy to fool you into thinking it was Marshmallow.
So, Marshmallow is...?
Yes, honey, Marshmallow has passed.
How did it happen?
Oh, come here.
guinea pigs have a number, just like us,
and when it's up, it's up.
Life is a mighty river, and no one can change its course.
She's like a seven-foot-tall Maya Angelou.
Jesus said, "my sheep hears my voice."
I'm actually gonna substitute that for guinea pig.
"My guinea pig hear my voice.
"I know them, and they follow me.
And no one can snatch them out of my hand."
Do you know what that means?
I think it means no one can take the memories
of Marshmallow away from us.
They'll last in our hearts as long as we're alive.
Aw...
I'm still gonna miss Marshmallow.
Oh, I know, baby.
I wish David had remembered to feed it.
But look at this little guy.
So you know, I'm giving the new guinea pig
to my goddaughter, unless it dies.
Then I'm throwing it in the pool with the other one.
Thank you all for coming to celebrate
the life of our beloved friend, Marshmallow.
I'm glad she opted for a closed shoebox.
Marshmallow wasn't with our class very long, but he had a full life.
My mom and I took him on the L.A. Metro once,
and I think he really appreciated the strong smells.
Most people think that death is
like this doorway to the afterlife.
But the truth is, we don't know what happens.
See, death is a part of life, but we have a chance.
No, not a chance, a responsibility
to love each other and do nice things
while we're here on this earth.
'Cause, really, that's all we got, man.
Testify, girl.
Now. Now is the only thing that's for sure.
And if you ever saw Marshmallow nibbling on a kernel of corn,
you'd know he felt the same way.
God bless you, little one.
We'll see your little furry face in the afterlife.
Or not.
She really is an amazing kid.
You know, I have to tell you guys something.
That stuff Gary said? Shania never lost faith in you.
It was me.
Come on, Goldie. You're family.
No, please don't say family.
My whole life, my family has done nothing but leave.
All of them:
My mom, my dad, Clay, my grandpa.
It's like just when I trust someone with my heart,
they break it.
Honey, if you haven't noticed,
we're not exactly your typical family.
Yeah. But we're not going anywhere.
I hate when the wristband on my watch get caught on my arm hair.
Whoa, what you doing?
Praying.
Why? Did you call that lazy anorexic actress
at work lazy again? No.
When I was a kid, my mom used
to come into my room and pray with me.
And we'd say the our father and the hail Mary.
I would feel her next to me,
and I, I just knew everything was okay.
Forget it. It's silly.
No, it's not.
It is not silly. I wish I still had that.
When I first went to New York for college, I didn't know anyone.
I was lonely. So I went to temple.
And all the prayers
and the people the constant clearing of throats
made a big city feel smaller.
When I went to UCLA for med school,
the only praying I did was to not screw up my surgeries.
I guess we both have reasons for losing our way.
Mm. This is all great,
but it doesn't help us find godparents.
You could pray with me.
I don't know about praying on my knees.
I could pray from here, reassure you
about your strong hairline. Okay.
All right. What do I do, like this? Mm-hmm.
Okay. So what are we praying for?
Well, my mom used to say you shouldn't pray for stuff.
You should use this time to thank God.
Okay, what are you thankful for?
My stuff. (Snickers)
And you.
Our baby.
Goldie and Shania.
Isn't she amazing?
Uh! What is with the "live for the now" thing?
She's like our own baby Buddha.
And don't forget Rocky. I mean, she's like Jesus,
except without his extensions.
Mm-hmm. She's...
Bryan: We have searched high and low
to find our baby's spiritual guides,
when I all we really needed to do was search low and high.
Some people look for faith in a church or a temple.
We have found our ours in you.
So, Rocky, Shania,
will you be our baby's godparents?
(Laughs)
Really?! I accept!
Hey!
Hells yeah!
And all I thought you wanted me in your life for
was to keep your mini fridge stocked with designer water.
(Both laugh)
Well, one job doesn't rule out the other.
I can already visualize the park bench
where I will teach your child wisdom from the ancient mystics,
plus old episodes of quantum leap.
Just so we're square, I'm not mad at you anymore.
I'm still jealous of your pool party abs, but not mad.
Bryan?
Hey, father.
So, you decided to fight?
Yes.
It's okay if I come to mass every now and then?
Maybe I could bring up the gifts some time?
I mean, if I'm not at temple with my Jewish baby daddy.
I'd love to see you at mass, Bryan.
You and your family.
Hey, since when did they let girls be altar boys?
Altar servers. Oh. Yeah.
Happened in the mid-'90s.
Took a few thousand years,
but you know, things can change...
If somebody's willing to fight for it.
I'll see you Sunday.
Oh, and if you want to bring the gifts, I'd sign up now.
Mark Wahlberg comes to the 9:00.
This place is packed.
That guy's abs put Jesus' to shame.
Father, sometimes I read US Weekly, and I just, I'm so
concerned for the state of the world.
I think you should probably read less US Weekly
and more... In touch?
Uh, get in touch with your feelings.
Yeah, get in touch with real things, you know?
Father does Jesus forgive Britney Spears?
Yes.
What about Amanda Bynes? Yes.
What about the Kardashians?
Yes.
Kim Kardashian?
Yes.
If Khloe Kardashian walked into this church right now,
would she burst into flames?
Yes.
That's what I thought.
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