1
00:00:00,876 --> 00:00:04,234
Tessa: Glitter dusted pumpkins,
industrial size candy-corn,
2
00:00:04,302 --> 00:00:07,250
and a motion sensor giggle
machine could only mean one thing:
3
00:00:07,258 --> 00:00:09,956
it was stripper-shoe season in Chatswin...
4
00:00:10,597 --> 00:00:12,429
or as it's known to the layman...
5
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:13,454
Halloween.
6
00:00:13,495 --> 00:00:16,597
Kimantha: I would now like to present my
design concept for this year's
7
00:00:16,628 --> 00:00:18,114
Halloween costume.
8
00:00:18,161 --> 00:00:19,991
Slutty skunk.
9
00:00:20,111 --> 00:00:22,071
Using a very sparkling chain
10
00:00:22,087 --> 00:00:24,589
that goes from by belly piercing to my tail
11
00:00:24,628 --> 00:00:27,733
I would then spread
cheap drugstore perfumes,
12
00:00:27,772 --> 00:00:29,360
on my enemies,
13
00:00:29,632 --> 00:00:31,233
from my butt.
14
00:00:31,284 --> 00:00:33,001
That I haven't seen before.
15
00:00:33,036 --> 00:00:34,136
(Chuckles, door opens)
16
00:00:34,170 --> 00:00:35,420
I'm sorry. I just...
17
00:00:35,438 --> 00:00:37,139
I... I can't keep silent on this any longer.
18
00:00:37,173 --> 00:00:38,474
Sisters,
19
00:00:38,508 --> 00:00:40,576
doesn't society degrade us enough,
20
00:00:40,610 --> 00:00:42,478
what, with the beer ads
21
00:00:42,512 --> 00:00:44,012
and the wage gap
22
00:00:44,047 --> 00:00:48,367
and the chart-topping
return of Chris Brown?
23
00:00:48,401 --> 00:00:50,068
By using Halloween to objectify yourselves,
24
00:00:50,086 --> 00:00:52,271
you are only adding fuel to the fire.
25
00:00:52,305 --> 00:00:54,089
(Gasps) Slutty firefighter.
26
00:00:54,124 --> 00:00:56,425
I soak my thong in kerosene...
27
00:00:56,459 --> 00:00:57,559
I give up.
28
00:00:58,978 --> 00:01:01,978
(Spooky music playing)
29
00:01:10,122 --> 00:01:12,607
You know me, Marcheeza,
I'd never leave something
30
00:01:12,641 --> 00:01:14,392
as critical as a Halloween costume
31
00:01:14,426 --> 00:01:16,027
to the last minute,
32
00:01:16,045 --> 00:01:17,962
but this year I was sincerely stumped.
33
00:01:17,996 --> 00:01:21,282
And then last night, it
hit me like Chris Brown.
34
00:01:21,333 --> 00:01:23,768
I returned to my very own dream home,
35
00:01:23,802 --> 00:01:26,304
I looked into my oversized
gold-framed mirror and thought,
36
00:01:26,338 --> 00:01:29,440
it's time... Barbie time.
37
00:01:29,475 --> 00:01:30,475
Spread legs.
38
00:01:30,509 --> 00:01:32,010
You make a good point, 'Cheez.
39
00:01:32,044 --> 00:01:35,079
No Barbie would be complete without Ken.
40
00:01:35,113 --> 00:01:37,015
There's a gentleman I've
been circling for over a year,
41
00:01:37,049 --> 00:01:40,468
and now on the sluttiest of autumn nights,
42
00:01:40,502 --> 00:01:43,021
and beneath the bust of my busty
43
00:01:43,055 --> 00:01:44,972
ample-busted mentor Joy Behar,
44
00:01:45,024 --> 00:01:47,291
I plan to ask George Altman out.
45
00:01:47,326 --> 00:01:48,376
(Bell on door dings)
46
00:01:48,427 --> 00:01:49,794
Hey.
47
00:01:49,812 --> 00:01:51,095
I, uh, I got your text
48
00:01:51,829 --> 00:01:54,931
saying there was something
wrong with the light thingy?
49
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,233
Oh, silly me.
50
00:01:56,267 --> 00:01:57,851
Uh, it turns out, it
wasn't that light thingy.
51
00:01:57,886 --> 00:01:59,836
It was another thingy altogether.
52
00:01:59,854 --> 00:02:01,772
Well, that's the thing about thingies.
53
00:02:01,806 --> 00:02:04,074
(Laughs) Too true.
54
00:02:04,092 --> 00:02:05,042
(Laughs)
55
00:02:05,076 --> 00:02:06,794
That is too, too true.
56
00:02:06,845 --> 00:02:08,128
(Chuckles)
57
00:02:08,163 --> 00:02:10,030
Will you help me down?
58
00:02:10,081 --> 00:02:11,448
(Sighs)
59
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:15,552
As you know, the club's big Halloween bash
60
00:02:15,586 --> 00:02:16,720
is tomorrow night,
61
00:02:16,754 --> 00:02:18,322
and since I'm going as Barbie,
62
00:02:18,356 --> 00:02:21,975
I was hoping that maybe I
could convince you to be Ken.
63
00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:23,560
Me, Ken?
64
00:02:23,594 --> 00:02:24,978
(Laughs)
65
00:02:25,029 --> 00:02:26,964
I don't think I could pull off Ken.
66
00:02:26,998 --> 00:02:28,382
(Cell phone buzzing) Oh, I think you could.
67
00:02:28,433 --> 00:02:29,983
No, trust me. I'm not your guy.
68
00:02:30,018 --> 00:02:31,452
Oh.
69
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:34,187
Well, if you say so.
70
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:36,155
But I am definitely going to the party,
71
00:02:36,206 --> 00:02:37,957
so I've gotta come up with a costume.
72
00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,342
I'll see you there?
73
00:02:39,541 --> 00:02:40,641
Yeah. Well, yes, you will.
74
00:02:40,676 --> 00:02:41,976
I gotta run.
75
00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,613
Are you sure you don't
need help with that thingy?
76
00:02:43,648 --> 00:02:44,898
Nope.
77
00:02:44,949 --> 00:02:47,751
As it turns out, there
was no thingy at all.
78
00:02:47,785 --> 00:02:49,720
Okay.
79
00:02:49,754 --> 00:02:51,472
(Door opens, bell on door dings)
80
00:02:52,388 --> 00:02:54,455
It's an opportunity to be
whatever you want to be,
81
00:02:54,489 --> 00:02:56,107
and what do they want?
82
00:02:56,141 --> 00:02:58,242
They want to show ass cleavage.
83
00:02:58,593 --> 00:03:00,895
I just don't understand
why girls here are s...
84
00:03:00,929 --> 00:03:03,397
are so determined to degrade themselves.
85
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:06,117
Dance like nobody's watching. Am I right?
86
00:03:06,151 --> 00:03:07,634
No. What?
87
00:03:07,652 --> 00:03:09,453
Are... are you even listening to me?
88
00:03:09,488 --> 00:03:10,738
Not really.
89
00:03:10,772 --> 00:03:12,256
When you start ranting,
90
00:03:12,290 --> 00:03:15,025
I tend to start shopping in
the craft store of my mind.
91
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:17,161
Aisle one is bead kits,
92
00:03:17,195 --> 00:03:18,496
decorative snaps,
93
00:03:18,547 --> 00:03:19,997
wood glue.
94
00:03:20,048 --> 00:03:23,917
(Spooky music playing)
95
00:03:23,935 --> 00:03:26,019
Hey!
96
00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,157
Aisle four has glitter sticks.
97
00:03:30,175 --> 00:03:32,860
There's an express checkout
if you have less than 12 items,
98
00:03:32,894 --> 00:03:34,278
but I never do.
99
00:03:34,312 --> 00:03:35,946
Lisa, did you just see that?
100
00:03:35,997 --> 00:03:38,299
I think someone's been following me.
101
00:03:38,693 --> 00:03:40,694
George: Hey, what if I just put on
102
00:03:40,712 --> 00:03:42,162
a, uh, a blazer and went as Seinfeld?
103
00:03:42,196 --> 00:03:44,298
(Imitating Jerry Seinfeld) What
would be the deal with that?
104
00:03:44,332 --> 00:03:45,883
(Chuckles)
105
00:03:45,917 --> 00:03:47,134
Fresh.
106
00:03:47,152 --> 00:03:48,602
(Doorbell rings)
107
00:03:48,636 --> 00:03:50,771
I mean, doorbells...
what's the deal with those?
108
00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:52,940
It's not a door. It's not a bell.
109
00:03:52,974 --> 00:03:55,859
It is, dad. It is a
bell, and it's on a door.
110
00:03:55,910 --> 00:03:58,278
There's no deal with them.
111
00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:02,666
(Clears throat)
112
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,418
What's the deal with you?
113
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,920
(Imitating George) What
is the deal with you?
114
00:04:07,155 --> 00:04:09,873
I see. So that's your Halloween costume?
115
00:04:09,907 --> 00:04:11,074
Okay.
116
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,659
This is supposed to be me?
117
00:04:12,693 --> 00:04:14,745
Ah, okay. You're supposed to be me.
118
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:18,799
Ah, okay. (Slurs words together)
You're supposed to be me. Ah!
119
00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:20,050
(Normal voice) Your voice, it's like
120
00:04:20,084 --> 00:04:22,419
Kathleen Turner after drinking a milkshake.
121
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,920
You're an idiot.
122
00:04:23,971 --> 00:04:26,340
(Imitates George) You're an idiot.
123
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:27,974
(Normal voice) Better already. (Laughs)
124
00:04:28,009 --> 00:04:29,810
Synced and corrected by chamallow...
...www.addic7ed.com...
125
00:04:29,844 --> 00:04:34,348
[Alih Jay] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪
126
00:04:34,382 --> 00:04:37,718
2x02
The Witch of East Chatswin
127
00:04:37,932 --> 00:04:39,399
Did you know that the Pygmies
128
00:04:39,433 --> 00:04:41,501
have their own macrame tradition?
129
00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:45,405
Or micro-me, if you will. (Chuckles)
130
00:04:45,439 --> 00:04:47,491
I will not.
131
00:04:50,878 --> 00:04:53,446
Did you check out that weird book?
132
00:04:53,464 --> 00:04:54,665
No.
133
00:04:54,716 --> 00:04:57,718
I have no idea how this got in here.
134
00:04:57,752 --> 00:05:00,504
Something strange is going on, Lisa.
135
00:05:00,555 --> 00:05:01,838
Somebody was watching me in the bathroom,
136
00:05:01,889 --> 00:05:03,507
and now this shows up in my bag.
137
00:05:03,558 --> 00:05:06,677
And... what are these weird symbols?
138
00:05:06,728 --> 00:05:09,396
Oh, those aren't symbols.
Those are runes...
139
00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:12,032
Celtic runes.
140
00:05:12,066 --> 00:05:13,520
I may be able to decipher this thanks to
141
00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,986
a "Lord of the dance" phase
I went through freshman year.
142
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,822
Let's just see.
143
00:05:18,856 --> 00:05:20,324
(Gasps) Aah!
144
00:05:20,358 --> 00:05:22,576
Satan scrawl! Scrawl of Satan!
145
00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:25,579
You give me that... that evil screed
146
00:05:25,613 --> 00:05:27,164
lest thy hands be burned.
147
00:05:27,198 --> 00:05:28,832
How dare you bring this into my house.
148
00:05:28,866 --> 00:05:30,167
I didn't mean to.
149
00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:32,336
It just kind of showed up in my bag.
150
00:05:32,370 --> 00:05:33,503
(Huffs)
151
00:05:33,538 --> 00:05:34,838
Of course it did.
152
00:05:34,872 --> 00:05:37,124
That is exactly how she works.
153
00:05:37,158 --> 00:05:39,259
Who?
154
00:05:39,294 --> 00:05:41,044
(Whispers) She whose
name must not be spoken.
155
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,715
The witch of East Chatswin.
156
00:05:44,766 --> 00:05:46,383
You know her?
157
00:05:46,434 --> 00:05:47,718
(Normal voice) Know her?
I endured one of life's
158
00:05:47,769 --> 00:05:50,354
most twisted and brutal rituals with her.
159
00:05:50,388 --> 00:05:51,939
Middle school.
160
00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:53,307
Sheila: Back in those days,
161
00:05:53,358 --> 00:05:55,609
young ladies didn't open
their own pudding cups,
162
00:05:55,643 --> 00:05:59,696
but then, the witch was no lady.
163
00:06:01,265 --> 00:06:03,067
While the rest of us girls were learning
164
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:06,203
to bake cinnamon pinwheels in Home Ec...
165
00:06:07,572 --> 00:06:09,289
The witch took shop.
166
00:06:09,324 --> 00:06:11,041
(Whirs)
167
00:06:11,076 --> 00:06:14,294
And when my Holly
Homemaker doll went missing,
168
00:06:14,329 --> 00:06:17,664
I knew just what diabolical
creature was to blame.
169
00:06:17,715 --> 00:06:18,832
Join me, Sheila.
170
00:06:18,883 --> 00:06:20,067
Never, Paula.
171
00:06:20,101 --> 00:06:22,086
Turns out her name can be spoken.
172
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,221
It's... it's Paula.
173
00:06:24,255 --> 00:06:25,572
(Timer dings)
174
00:06:25,607 --> 00:06:27,391
I knew it.
175
00:06:27,425 --> 00:06:29,560
Two minutes in the microwave
on the popcorn setting,
176
00:06:29,594 --> 00:06:31,095
and not even a singe.
177
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:33,847
Her evil is more potent than ever.
178
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:38,318
Mmm. Oh, 30 seconds to
succulence, my sweet.
179
00:06:38,353 --> 00:06:40,320
Get those steaks off the grill, Fred.
180
00:06:40,355 --> 00:06:41,822
Oh.
181
00:06:44,242 --> 00:06:45,359
(Inhales sharply)
182
00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:47,828
Mrs. shay, you haven't burned a book
183
00:06:47,862 --> 00:06:50,781
since "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy.
184
00:06:56,391 --> 00:06:59,075
You know, instead of following
me around ridiculing me,
185
00:06:59,094 --> 00:07:00,931
you could actually help me with the chores.
186
00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:02,341
(imitates George) You
could actually help me
187
00:07:02,353 --> 00:07:03,266
with the chores.
188
00:07:03,284 --> 00:07:04,893
(normal voice) I like it. That's good.
189
00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:07,164
See, irritated George goes up in register.
190
00:07:07,170 --> 00:07:08,002
He goes nasal.
191
00:07:08,021 --> 00:07:09,485
This isn't even a good me.
192
00:07:09,873 --> 00:07:11,318
No one's gonna buy it.
193
00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:13,658
Hey, George.
194
00:07:13,778 --> 00:07:16,067
Nice to see you getting
the cans out on time.
195
00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,620
Now try bringing 'em in before
the return of the Messiah.
196
00:07:18,670 --> 00:07:20,440
(Imitates George) I
have a willful daughter.
197
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,392
I know.
198
00:07:22,410 --> 00:07:23,627
(Sighs)
199
00:07:23,661 --> 00:07:24,694
You know what?
200
00:07:24,729 --> 00:07:25,979
I need to thank you.
201
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,114
(Normal voice) Why?
202
00:07:27,148 --> 00:07:29,282
For showing you the man in the mirror?
203
00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:30,801
No.
204
00:07:30,835 --> 00:07:34,504
For helping me decide what
I'm gonna be for Halloween.
205
00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:35,939
(Door creaks)
206
00:07:35,973 --> 00:07:38,341
(Spooky music playing)
207
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,327
Hello?
208
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,414
Halloween day...
209
00:07:44,449 --> 00:07:47,100
I had a costume to plan,
210
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,502
a book report to finish,
211
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:49,753
and apparently...
212
00:07:49,787 --> 00:07:51,922
a witch on my ass.
213
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,183
It's the only explanation.
214
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:58,869
She's marked you for
human sacrifice on this,
215
00:07:58,904 --> 00:08:00,354
the devil's sabbath.
216
00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:02,573
That's the only explanation, huh?
217
00:08:02,624 --> 00:08:03,707
I don't know.
218
00:08:03,742 --> 00:08:07,161
She is working pretty hard to contact me.
219
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,846
Kind of flattering.
220
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,415
A little black dress is flattering.
221
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,317
Maybe we don't have the same
definition of flattering.
222
00:08:13,351 --> 00:08:15,152
Tessa... (Chuckles)
223
00:08:15,187 --> 00:08:18,088
this is a woman that
my mother is scared of.
224
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,024
My mother, the woman who once
chased away a Mountain lion
225
00:08:20,058 --> 00:08:22,276
with nothing but an arched eyebrow?
226
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,078
Aren't you just a little
bit curious, though?
227
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,314
Curiosity killed the cat. I
shouldn't have to remind you.
228
00:08:27,349 --> 00:08:28,949
But if you won't listen to me...
229
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,920
let us consult the spirits.
230
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:36,323
I'm not a huge believ...
231
00:08:36,357 --> 00:08:37,657
Spirits,
232
00:08:37,675 --> 00:08:39,392
will Tessa fall into harm's way
233
00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:43,763
if she pays a visit to
the witch of east Chatswin?
234
00:08:46,884 --> 00:08:48,051
You pushed it.
235
00:08:48,085 --> 00:08:50,237
The spirits work through me. Deal with it.
236
00:08:57,274 --> 00:08:58,541
Lisa.
237
00:08:58,575 --> 00:08:59,542
Tessa.
238
00:08:59,576 --> 00:09:01,477
Look,
239
00:09:01,511 --> 00:09:04,363
I am from Manhattan, okay?
240
00:09:04,398 --> 00:09:06,082
I used to ride the subway.
241
00:09:06,116 --> 00:09:07,733
Tessa, I mean this in
the nicest possible way,
242
00:09:07,768 --> 00:09:10,803
but... living in the
suburbs has turned you soft.
243
00:09:10,837 --> 00:09:12,505
You've lost your edge.
244
00:09:12,539 --> 00:09:14,490
I mean, the old you may
have been able to take on
245
00:09:14,524 --> 00:09:16,025
a witch like the witch of East Chatswin,
246
00:09:16,059 --> 00:09:18,027
but the new you is safer here,
247
00:09:18,061 --> 00:09:19,845
in my trundle bed.
248
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,530
Wouldn't you agree?
249
00:09:27,504 --> 00:09:29,705
George's transformation
into Noah had begun,
250
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,123
and it wasn't gonna be pretty.
251
00:09:31,158 --> 00:09:32,908
(Exhales deeply) Let's do this, bitches.
252
00:09:32,942 --> 00:09:34,593
♪
253
00:09:34,645 --> 00:09:37,630
(woman singing in Japanese)
254
00:09:44,688 --> 00:09:47,823
It was all fun and games until...
255
00:09:47,841 --> 00:09:49,224
♪
256
00:09:49,258 --> 00:09:51,293
Good-bye, old friend.
257
00:09:51,328 --> 00:09:54,179
(Buzzing)
258
00:09:58,318 --> 00:10:00,269
(Buzzing stops)
259
00:10:02,303 --> 00:10:04,838
(George cries)
260
00:10:09,377 --> 00:10:12,629
W... who did this to you?
261
00:10:12,664 --> 00:10:14,481
I did this to myself.
262
00:10:14,515 --> 00:10:16,600
But why?
263
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:18,502
Tessa, there are things in life that you do
264
00:10:18,536 --> 00:10:20,037
because you have to,
265
00:10:20,071 --> 00:10:21,655
not because you want to.
266
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:27,911
Now if you'll excuse me,
267
00:10:27,962 --> 00:10:30,097
I'm about to go deep on this bronzer.
268
00:10:30,131 --> 00:10:32,733
If George was brave enough
to face his naked face,
269
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:35,702
then I was brave enough to
meet the witch of East Chatswin.
270
00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:40,275
You know whose confidence
this wouldn't shake?
271
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:41,761
Barbie.
272
00:10:41,795 --> 00:10:44,847
Bitch owns her own home, has
mastered many professions,
273
00:10:44,881 --> 00:10:48,117
and in some cases, she can
regenerate her own ponytail.
274
00:10:48,151 --> 00:10:51,353
Let her be an inspiration
to us both, Marcheeza.
275
00:10:51,371 --> 00:10:52,855
(Snores)
276
00:10:52,889 --> 00:10:53,973
Marcheeza!
277
00:10:54,024 --> 00:10:55,691
You don't look old!
278
00:10:55,725 --> 00:10:58,177
I'm gonna make you proud tonight, Marcheez.
279
00:10:58,211 --> 00:10:59,478
(Chimes tinkle)
280
00:10:59,529 --> 00:11:02,464
With or without a Ken.
281
00:11:02,482 --> 00:11:05,568
Sheila: Boys, hands where I can see 'em.
282
00:11:05,602 --> 00:11:07,570
Ladies, they will not buy the cow.
283
00:11:07,604 --> 00:11:10,005
I am talking to you, Pocahontas.
284
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,974
(Indistinct conversations)
285
00:11:12,008 --> 00:11:14,960
That horn-rimmed look
is working for me, Velma.
286
00:11:14,995 --> 00:11:16,211
You like a bossy girl?
287
00:11:16,229 --> 00:11:17,346
Do ya?
288
00:11:17,364 --> 00:11:19,882
Go get me a couple of pumpkin mini muffins.
289
00:11:19,916 --> 00:11:21,684
Done.
290
00:11:21,718 --> 00:11:23,152
♪
291
00:11:23,186 --> 00:11:25,320
Whoa. What's... what's going on, man?
292
00:11:25,338 --> 00:11:26,455
You dressed as Fred?
293
00:11:26,473 --> 00:11:28,240
When we said Scooby gang, I just assumed...
294
00:11:28,291 --> 00:11:29,758
- You assumed what?
- I just figured...
295
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,127
You... you figured what?
296
00:11:31,161 --> 00:11:33,395
That you would be Shaggy.
297
00:11:33,430 --> 00:11:35,281
Oh, so there it is.
298
00:11:35,332 --> 00:11:37,550
No, now it's on the table. I... I'm Shaggy?
299
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:38,734
I... I'm Shaggy, right?
300
00:11:38,769 --> 00:11:39,835
What's wrong with Shaggy?
301
00:11:39,870 --> 00:11:41,020
Well, you tell me, brother,
302
00:11:41,054 --> 00:11:42,171
'cause I don't see you dressed as Shaggy.
303
00:11:42,189 --> 00:11:43,706
- I see you dressed as Fred.
- Well, because...
304
00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:44,990
Oh, or maybe you thought I was
gonna be Scooby Doo, mother...
305
00:11:45,221 --> 00:11:46,939
Malik, the gang has a more pressing issue.
306
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:48,123
Daphne's missing.
307
00:11:57,796 --> 00:11:59,763
You can do this.
308
00:11:59,798 --> 00:12:02,049
You're not soft.
309
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:04,134
You're the same girl who went
to a house party in Brooklyn
310
00:12:04,152 --> 00:12:06,287
at the wrong house.
311
00:12:06,321 --> 00:12:09,690
You had to run two blocks
from that sketchy dude.
312
00:12:12,127 --> 00:12:13,727
However sketchy the witch is,
313
00:12:13,762 --> 00:12:15,946
she couldn't be as sketchy
as that sketchy dude.
314
00:12:15,980 --> 00:12:19,116
(Chanting in foreign language)
315
00:12:19,150 --> 00:12:20,284
I stand corrected.
316
00:12:20,318 --> 00:12:23,287
Tessa. Join us.
317
00:12:23,321 --> 00:12:25,789
Oh, my gosh. Yes.
318
00:12:25,823 --> 00:12:27,458
Yes.
319
00:12:27,492 --> 00:12:29,793
I'll totally join you.
I can't wait to join you.
320
00:12:29,827 --> 00:12:32,046
I gotta go get my cloak out of my car
321
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,933
'cause I don't want to
be the only one cloakless.
322
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:44,629
What can I get you, sir?
323
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:45,964
Wow. Great service.
324
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,250
A beer, please.
325
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,684
Right away. Shall I start a tab?
326
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,036
Certainly.
327
00:12:50,688 --> 00:12:52,605
Did not know you did that here.
328
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,091
Hm-hm-hm.
329
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,693
Noah Werner, I presume.
330
00:12:57,111 --> 00:12:58,111
♪
331
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,946
(Imitates George) Beer, please.
332
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:02,230
That'll be $7.50, including gratuity.
333
00:13:02,650 --> 00:13:04,017
I need the payment up front.
334
00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:05,235
(Normal voice) I'm getting
very different treatment
335
00:13:05,269 --> 00:13:06,352
dressed as you, George.
336
00:13:06,387 --> 00:13:08,721
You don't say.
337
00:13:08,739 --> 00:13:09,923
Ow.
338
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,358
Life is brutal behind the flannel curtain.
339
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,961
Okay, look, just because
I don't float through life
340
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,113
sockless in nubuck loafers
does not mean I'm inferior.
341
00:13:17,147 --> 00:13:19,082
You think I float through life?
342
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,017
I've worked hard, damn hard,
for everything I've got.
343
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,603
Dental school was no picnic.
344
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:26,185
Although we did take a
lot of meals out of doors.
345
00:13:26,219 --> 00:13:27,486
But that's mainly because
346
00:13:27,521 --> 00:13:29,421
the weather is so mild in
that part of the Caribbean.
347
00:13:29,456 --> 00:13:31,307
Well, it looks like at least one person
348
00:13:31,341 --> 00:13:33,492
doesn't think being me is so inferior.
349
00:13:33,527 --> 00:13:35,177
♪
350
00:13:35,995 --> 00:13:39,080
Are you implying that she's
more attracted to me as you
351
00:13:39,115 --> 00:13:41,299
than she would be to me as me?
352
00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:43,168
Hi. Hmm. Looks like she's not feeling it.
353
00:13:43,219 --> 00:13:45,119
Well, I think that she is just repulsed
354
00:13:45,137 --> 00:13:47,122
by your sad attempt at me.
355
00:13:47,156 --> 00:13:48,340
Your teeth are the color of oatmeal,
356
00:13:48,391 --> 00:13:50,075
your... your tan has no depth,
357
00:13:50,109 --> 00:13:52,827
- and... and this shirt looks like it's made of...
- hey.
358
00:13:52,862 --> 00:13:55,397
Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts!
359
00:13:55,431 --> 00:13:57,048
So sorry, sir.
360
00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:58,500
We normally try to keep
his kind out of here.
361
00:13:58,534 --> 00:14:00,435
Yeah, but they're everywhere, aren't they?
362
00:14:03,803 --> 00:14:05,003
(Door closes)
363
00:14:05,038 --> 00:14:06,204
(Hinges creak)
364
00:14:06,239 --> 00:14:07,506
There's no way she followed me here.
365
00:14:07,557 --> 00:14:08,941
She... she had guests.
366
00:14:08,992 --> 00:14:11,376
They were right in the middle of chanting.
367
00:14:11,411 --> 00:14:13,812
You don't leave chanting guests!
368
00:14:17,317 --> 00:14:19,484
Aah! Don't eat me! Don't eat me.
369
00:14:19,535 --> 00:14:21,486
My flesh is fibrous and stringy
370
00:14:21,521 --> 00:14:23,205
and you'd have to boil
me for hours and hours,
371
00:14:23,239 --> 00:14:24,423
and even then...
372
00:14:24,474 --> 00:14:25,524
(Laughs) Wait. Eat you?
373
00:14:25,575 --> 00:14:28,009
I'm a pesco-vegetarian. (Chuckles)
374
00:14:28,027 --> 00:14:30,212
Paula Weingelb.
375
00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:32,367
Not sure what you heard about me,
376
00:14:32,401 --> 00:14:33,668
but I'm not a witch.
377
00:14:33,702 --> 00:14:35,937
But I saw your coven...
378
00:14:35,955 --> 00:14:38,940
standing around your cauldron.
379
00:14:38,975 --> 00:14:40,709
You mean my book club,
380
00:14:40,743 --> 00:14:43,011
standing around the
pumpkin soup that I made?
381
00:14:43,029 --> 00:14:46,014
(Laughs) Mmm. Warms the bones.
382
00:14:46,048 --> 00:14:47,348
I do it without dairy.
383
00:14:47,564 --> 00:14:49,248
So you're not a witch?
384
00:14:49,283 --> 00:14:50,750
Nope.
385
00:14:50,784 --> 00:14:52,835
I'm just a 45-year-old woman
who hasn't had any work done
386
00:14:52,870 --> 00:14:55,838
and appreciates the drape
of a forgiving silhouette.
387
00:14:55,873 --> 00:14:57,990
45, huh?
388
00:14:58,008 --> 00:14:59,292
Yeah. Did a lot of sun.
389
00:14:59,326 --> 00:15:00,777
We didn't know back
then how damaging it was.
390
00:15:02,128 --> 00:15:04,212
Okay.
391
00:15:04,246 --> 00:15:06,331
So then why have you been following me?
392
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:08,249
When I heard you laying
down righteous truths
393
00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:10,402
on those blonde bots in the
crap house the other day,
394
00:15:10,436 --> 00:15:13,121
I knew I finally found a kindred spirit,
395
00:15:13,155 --> 00:15:15,073
which is why I wanted you to read my book
396
00:15:15,107 --> 00:15:16,474
on female empowerment.
397
00:15:16,509 --> 00:15:18,093
The school board banned it years ago,
398
00:15:18,144 --> 00:15:21,112
so occasionally I sneak
copies into the library...
399
00:15:21,146 --> 00:15:22,580
and the supply closet.
400
00:15:22,614 --> 00:15:24,766
So... you're not a witch?
401
00:15:26,035 --> 00:15:27,952
You're just a feminist?
402
00:15:28,286 --> 00:15:31,272
In Chatswin, those words
mean the same thing.
403
00:15:31,323 --> 00:15:34,325
Well, I will tell you something, Paula.
404
00:15:34,359 --> 00:15:39,530
I definitely know how it
feels to be unfairly labeled.
405
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,949
And I am not even dismissing
the whole cloak thing.
406
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,068
Sheila: There she is!
407
00:15:47,456 --> 00:15:48,906
The witch!
408
00:15:48,924 --> 00:15:49,957
The bitch.
409
00:15:50,008 --> 00:15:53,127
(Crowd speaking indistinctly)
410
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:56,714
Paula and Sheila: She's back.
411
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,394
(indistinct conversations)
412
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,363
[ Aqua ] ♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪
413
00:16:05,566 --> 00:16:06,966
Nice entrance, hon.
414
00:16:06,984 --> 00:16:10,019
I counted three dirty looks
and at least five death stares.
415
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,572
Now who needs matchy-matchy
man candy on their arm?
416
00:16:12,606 --> 00:16:14,741
I can inspire just as much jealousy
417
00:16:14,775 --> 00:16:16,859
sailing in with a skipper like you.
418
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,995
It's hard work, but it's rewarding.
419
00:16:19,029 --> 00:16:21,998
Okay, you grab a virgin
colada while I powder,
420
00:16:22,032 --> 00:16:23,499
and then we'll do another lap.
421
00:16:23,654 --> 00:16:25,272
♪
422
00:16:25,273 --> 00:16:26,556
(Indistinct conversations)
423
00:16:26,591 --> 00:16:28,491
Vodka-cranberry, please.
424
00:16:28,526 --> 00:16:31,311
Just do it. I have a bladder infection.
425
00:16:31,345 --> 00:16:32,812
Service people, right?
426
00:16:32,846 --> 00:16:35,315
Yeah. Yeah, can't, uh, can't live with 'em,
427
00:16:35,349 --> 00:16:36,650
don't know how to park your own car.
428
00:16:36,684 --> 00:16:39,069
Mr. Altman?
429
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,654
You look so better.
430
00:16:40,688 --> 00:16:41,905
Thank you.
431
00:16:41,956 --> 00:16:43,290
I mean, normally you look like the guy
432
00:16:43,324 --> 00:16:44,824
who services the security system
433
00:16:44,858 --> 00:16:47,460
on Barbie's dream house.
434
00:16:47,495 --> 00:16:49,713
But tonight, you could
almost pass for a Ken.
435
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,382
♪ undress me everywhere ♪
436
00:16:52,416 --> 00:16:53,866
♪ imagination ♪
437
00:16:53,884 --> 00:16:55,552
There.
438
00:16:55,586 --> 00:16:57,637
Now you're perfect.
439
00:16:57,672 --> 00:16:58,805
(Clears throat)
440
00:16:58,839 --> 00:17:00,039
Mommy was super sad
441
00:17:00,057 --> 00:17:02,592
when you said you didn't
want to be her Ken.
442
00:17:02,643 --> 00:17:03,876
Yeah, but let's be honest.
443
00:17:03,894 --> 00:17:06,096
Who in their right mind
wants to dress up like Ken?
444
00:17:06,147 --> 00:17:08,098
She wasn't asking you to dress up as Ken.
445
00:17:08,149 --> 00:17:10,767
She was asking you to be her Ken.
446
00:17:10,818 --> 00:17:12,118
♪
447
00:17:12,153 --> 00:17:13,269
Her Ken!
448
00:17:13,321 --> 00:17:14,654
Oh.
449
00:17:14,689 --> 00:17:15,822
Her Ken.
450
00:17:15,856 --> 00:17:18,742
As in Barbie's date?
451
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,695
I didn't know she felt that way.
452
00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:23,830
George Altman, as I live and breathe.
453
00:17:23,864 --> 00:17:26,166
Look at you, all blond and beardless.
454
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,169
Dallas, listen to me.
455
00:17:29,203 --> 00:17:30,420
Don't be angry with me.
456
00:17:30,454 --> 00:17:31,788
I didn't know what you were asking
457
00:17:31,839 --> 00:17:33,840
when you were asking me to be Ken.
458
00:17:33,874 --> 00:17:36,509
Oh, it doesn't matter,
George. It's all behind us.
459
00:17:36,544 --> 00:17:38,911
I'm here with my fun-loving
kid sister skipper.
460
00:17:38,929 --> 00:17:40,714
No, listen to me.
461
00:17:40,748 --> 00:17:42,632
We're... we're flirty friends.
462
00:17:42,683 --> 00:17:45,051
We've been flirty friends
for over a year now.
463
00:17:45,085 --> 00:17:46,636
I didn't know...
464
00:17:46,687 --> 00:17:49,222
that other thing was on the table.
465
00:17:49,256 --> 00:17:52,892
So are you telling me it's on the table?
466
00:17:52,926 --> 00:17:55,362
You tell me. Is it on the table?
467
00:17:55,396 --> 00:17:56,730
'Cause I put it on the table,
468
00:17:56,764 --> 00:17:58,281
and you didn't pull up a chair.
469
00:17:58,315 --> 00:18:01,317
Okay. Dallas...
470
00:18:01,369 --> 00:18:04,237
I'd like to go on a date with you.
471
00:18:04,271 --> 00:18:06,389
Would you like to go on a date with me?
472
00:18:06,424 --> 00:18:09,059
Why yes, I would.
473
00:18:09,093 --> 00:18:10,827
I thought you'd never ask.
474
00:18:10,878 --> 00:18:13,580
(Vomits) Her Ken!
475
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,219
Did somebody give my daughter a drink?
476
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:19,523
How do you explain those spots on her face?
477
00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:20,774
She didn't have a beach cloak.
478
00:18:20,825 --> 00:18:21,908
The mark of the devil.
479
00:18:21,943 --> 00:18:24,945
It is a natural, beautiful part of aging.
480
00:18:24,996 --> 00:18:26,696
I am 45.
481
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:30,500
Look, I think that this is
all a big misunderstanding.
482
00:18:30,535 --> 00:18:32,919
Paula's trying to do
good. We should join her.
483
00:18:32,954 --> 00:18:34,254
Join her?
484
00:18:34,288 --> 00:18:35,539
Are you gonna do to Tessa
485
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,240
what you did to my Holly Homemaker doll?
486
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:39,509
That doll reinforced
unhealthy gender stereotypes.
487
00:18:39,544 --> 00:18:41,211
It was a protest.
488
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,679
(Scoffs) It was a violation,
489
00:18:42,713 --> 00:18:45,248
just like you violated my pudding cup.
490
00:18:45,266 --> 00:18:47,884
I was trying to teach you
how to do things for yourself.
491
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,085
And the lick?
492
00:18:49,103 --> 00:18:51,421
That lick was my reward.
493
00:18:51,439 --> 00:18:52,939
(Gasps)
494
00:18:52,974 --> 00:18:55,192
She won't stop until she's
brainwashed all our children.
495
00:18:56,310 --> 00:18:58,428
Get her.
496
00:18:58,462 --> 00:19:01,615
I've never been on this
side of a hate mob before.
497
00:19:01,649 --> 00:19:03,116
I kinda get it now. It's exhilarating.
498
00:19:03,150 --> 00:19:04,985
Sheila: Oh, witchcraft! Fred, my purse!
499
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,653
Fred: I'm clutching it, dear.
500
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:07,988
(Gasps)
501
00:19:08,039 --> 00:19:09,406
Oh!
502
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,625
Oh, darn it. She's gone.
503
00:19:11,659 --> 00:19:13,043
She must have turned into a crow
504
00:19:13,077 --> 00:19:14,294
and flown back to hell.
505
00:19:14,328 --> 00:19:17,047
Well, that's a wrap.
Better get to steppin'.
506
00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:20,500
(Indistinct conversations)
507
00:19:20,551 --> 00:19:22,619
Where's everybody going?
508
00:19:22,670 --> 00:19:23,953
It's over, Wolfe.
509
00:19:23,971 --> 00:19:25,305
It's over.
510
00:19:25,339 --> 00:19:26,590
I was gonna bludgeon her.
511
00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:27,757
I know you were.
512
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:29,125
(Indistinct conversations continue)
513
00:19:29,143 --> 00:19:30,293
(Knock on window)
514
00:19:30,311 --> 00:19:32,279
(Mouths words)
515
00:19:33,514 --> 00:19:35,181
(Mouths words)
516
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:41,771
Hmm.
517
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:44,107
Machine washable.
518
00:19:54,952 --> 00:19:56,453
Man...
519
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:58,338
I thought I suffered taking the hair off.
520
00:19:58,372 --> 00:20:00,323
It's way worse coming back in.
521
00:20:00,341 --> 00:20:03,593
Well, now you know what
a woman goes through.
522
00:20:03,628 --> 00:20:05,378
Wax it off and suffer the itches
523
00:20:05,429 --> 00:20:07,714
or grow it out and...
524
00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:10,183
suffer the bitches.
525
00:20:10,217 --> 00:20:12,018
The what?
526
00:20:12,053 --> 00:20:14,604
The women who judge you
for being unconventional.
527
00:20:14,639 --> 00:20:15,838
Oh.
528
00:20:15,856 --> 00:20:17,857
It takes a lot of guts to
be a feminist in this town.
529
00:20:17,892 --> 00:20:19,175
Hey, you don't have to tell me.
530
00:20:19,193 --> 00:20:21,478
I consider myself a
male feminist, and I got
531
00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:24,481
the Mary Chapin Carpenter
records to prove it.
532
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:25,815
Hey, you know who else
was probably a feminist?
533
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,016
Hmm?
534
00:20:27,034 --> 00:20:29,185
Alex, right? My mom?
535
00:20:29,203 --> 00:20:30,971
I mean, think about it...
536
00:20:31,005 --> 00:20:34,190
to walk away from the role
that was thrust upon her...
537
00:20:34,208 --> 00:20:36,710
O... okay, nobody thrusted...
538
00:20:36,744 --> 00:20:38,128
She must have known that
she was gonna get judged
539
00:20:38,162 --> 00:20:40,130
pretty harshly for doing it.
540
00:20:40,164 --> 00:20:42,699
In a way...
541
00:20:42,717 --> 00:20:45,034
it was kind of brave.
542
00:20:45,052 --> 00:20:46,503
Mm... mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
543
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:48,755
(Knock on door)
544
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:52,268
Hey, man. What's up?
545
00:20:52,303 --> 00:20:54,003
Hey.
546
00:20:54,037 --> 00:20:56,906
I was gonna donate these plaid
shirts I bought to Goodwill.
547
00:20:56,941 --> 00:20:58,641
Then I thought
548
00:20:58,676 --> 00:21:01,511
I'd drive over here, see if
you wanted 'em first, for free.
549
00:21:01,545 --> 00:21:03,379
Thanks. They're so me.
550
00:21:03,397 --> 00:21:04,647
'Sup, Red?
551
00:21:04,682 --> 00:21:05,899
Look...
552
00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:07,200
(Sighs) I'm sorry if I
553
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:09,719
got a little carried away
with my George impersonation.
554
00:21:09,737 --> 00:21:11,137
I know that Jill wasn't excited
555
00:21:11,172 --> 00:21:12,472
when I went as her last year.
556
00:21:12,506 --> 00:21:15,608
Although, I gotta say, I had her down.
557
00:21:15,643 --> 00:21:17,110
(Deepens voice) Stop touching me.
558
00:21:17,144 --> 00:21:20,246
Get your hands off of me. That hurts.
559
00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:21,447
(Tessa and George laugh)
560
00:21:21,499 --> 00:21:22,599
Solid Jill.
561
00:21:22,633 --> 00:21:25,869
(Laughs)
562
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:31,870
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