1 00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:04,407 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:08,145 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:11,620 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:14,248 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:17,792 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:21,424 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,091 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,793 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:29,772 He's a family guy 10 00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:35,409 Charge! 11 00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:38,673 Boy, what a great day for a baseball game. 12 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:41,514 Yeah, and these are the best seats in the house for catching home run balls. 13 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:42,609 That'd be sweet. 14 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,451 The only souvenir I ever got was at that stock car race. 15 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,728 All right, I got the guy! I got the guy. 16 00:00:58,858 --> 00:01:00,166 Man, I hate the Yankees. 17 00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,137 Yeah! You are all villains to me 18 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:05,266 because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! 19 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,371 What's going on? Did I miss something? 20 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,505 Nah,just some idiot streaking across the field. 21 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:16,886 Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. You didn't plan on it, but it's happening. 22 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:23,160 Oh, man, these stadium bathrooms are always so disgusting. 23 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:25,593 Look at that. There's even a guy taking a crap in the sink. 24 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:28,865 Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink. 25 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:31,796 Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. 26 00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:36,696 You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall. 27 00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,503 Oh, come on, Peter. We're missing the game. 28 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,443 - Hey. Hi. - Hey. 29 00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:46,045 Damn it. He already started. 30 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,176 If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. 31 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,220 He'll be all done, and I'll still be here. 32 00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,290 Come on, Peter. Pee. 33 00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,824 Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal? 34 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,154 What the hell's wrong with you? 35 00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:57,622 - All set? - Yup. 36 00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:01,466 - I know you didn't go. - I'm gonna go pee in a stairwell. 37 00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:06,795 Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz. 38 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,798 Come on, Big Papi! 39 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,099 it's coming straight for us! 40 00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,472 I got it, I got it! 41 00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,372 Mine! I got it! it's my ball. 42 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,415 Damn it, Brian! That came to me! That's my ball! 43 00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:21,652 What? 44 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,084 Holy crap! 45 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:36,325 Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." 46 00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,698 - Ha! - No, but he is our friend. 47 00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:45,542 And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report 48 00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:46,906 brought to you by Kia. 49 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,877 Kia: Too bad it's a Kia. 50 00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,339 A big day at Fenway today, 51 00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:53,144 as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six. 52 00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:57,449 But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. 53 00:02:57,544 --> 00:03:01,117 The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube. 54 00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:03,922 Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs 55 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,724 Directed at others who chose to comment. 56 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,895 Great, I'm a laughingstock. What do I do? 57 00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:12,059 Come on, Quagmire. it's not so bad. You could kill yourself. 58 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,804 Well, it's just a thought, 59 00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:16,100 but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? 60 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,197 Yeah, Brian's right. 61 00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:18,867 You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities 62 00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,444 who have gone bald with dignity. 63 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:24,345 John Travolta, David Spade, Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven. 64 00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,007 And besides, don't you think you'll be happier 65 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,641 just being who you really are? 66 00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:29,913 Maybe you're right. What the hell. 67 00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:31,613 I mean, what other choice do I have at this point? 68 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,281 Everybody knows now anyway. 69 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:36,053 Great. Trust me. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time. 70 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,358 And even if they do, just ignore them. That's what I do with that weekend bully. 71 00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,698 Hey, your weekend sucks! 72 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:45,497 I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! 73 00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:47,037 What are you doing? 74 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,162 - Peter, who is that man? - I don't want to talk about it. 75 00:03:52,865 --> 00:03:55,345 Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house. 76 00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:58,607 Oh, that's just Quagmire. He's acting all different now that he's bald. 77 00:03:58,705 --> 00:03:59,740 I'll go talk to him. 78 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,555 Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there! 79 00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,952 Quagmire, what the hell are you doing? 80 00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:07,615 I'm just letting all these hot-rudders know 81 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,819 that this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track. 82 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:14,026 Too fast, too fast! Our children should not have to live in fear! 83 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,757 Okay, well, how come you're not doing this in front of your own house? 84 00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:19,336 Oh, my ham radio interferes with the radar gun. 85 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,427 Talked to a fella in Papua New Guinea last night. 86 00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:23,529 You should come by sometime and join in the fun. 87 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,439 Hello? 88 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:26,771 Uh, hello? 89 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,205 - Are you bald? - Yeah. 90 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:36,086 - Can I help you? - Well, I hope you can, Sharon. 91 00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:39,315 I'd just like to return this VHS copy of Pete's Dragon. 92 00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:42,120 Watched, enjoyed and rewound. 93 00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:45,792 Uh, there are a lot of people waiting. Is there anything else? 94 00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,922 Uh, yes. Do you have a garbage can back there? 95 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:51,002 I have the backings to some Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard. 96 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,366 I'm sorry. That's for library trash only. 97 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,995 I understand. That's okay. 98 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:57,040 I'll just hold on to these for the rest of the day. 99 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,508 It ain't easy being green, huh? 100 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:00,873 That's from a song. 101 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,037 - Is that all? - Yeah. 102 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,341 Is there an age restriction 103 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,746 for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon? 104 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:07,146 - Twelve. - Oh... 105 00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,679 Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in. 106 00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:12,589 Now, we all saw you put your card back in the deck. 107 00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:15,751 So how did it end up in your shirt pocket? 108 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,028 Oh, my God, how did he do that? 109 00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,827 Oh, no, there's Quagmire. 110 00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:27,728 He's been so weird lately. 111 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:28,828 You notice now that he's bald, 112 00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:31,306 whenever he thinks about something, he scratches his wrist? 113 00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:33,900 Hey, Quagmire, we got a pitcher. You want a beer? 114 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,445 Eh, I don't think so. 115 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,481 I was planning on looking at pictures of birds later, 116 00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:39,607 and I don't want to be all fuzzy-headed for that. 117 00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:42,949 - Listen, Quagmire, we hate you now. - Yeah, you used to be fun. 118 00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:45,113 Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy, 119 00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:47,282 or just coming back from a colonoscopy. 120 00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:48,791 The fuck's going on down there? 121 00:05:48,881 --> 00:05:50,622 Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. 122 00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:52,060 Come on, we want our buddy back. 123 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:56,293 I'm not putting that toupee on again, Peter, so I'm not sure what you want me to do. 124 00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:58,033 You could get a hair transplant. 125 00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:00,934 Oh, yeah. Like one of those guys pretending to get out of the pool. 126 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,506 - That looks all right. - Yeah, come on, Quagmire. 127 00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:05,166 Get the hair transplant. Come back to us. 128 00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:07,240 You're right. This isn't me. 129 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,677 Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads. 130 00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:11,476 There you go, that's pretty gross. 131 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,116 Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire. 132 00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:16,320 Oh, boy, listen, thanks for putting up with me the last couple weeks. 133 00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:19,185 Hey, no problem. You put up with me when I was barefoot guy. 134 00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:22,385 Boy, nothing like a beer with the fellas, eh? 135 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,518 Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes? 136 00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,426 Oh, you mean foot prisons? Yes, I would. 137 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,062 Glenn Quagmire? 138 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,168 Why does that name sound familiar? Oh, yeah, I treated you for butt flu. 139 00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:36,296 Hey, you want to keep it down? 140 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,741 Easy now. That's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that stuff. 141 00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:44,604 How's it going, Dr. Kamada? 142 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:45,939 Bob! 143 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,381 Matty. 144 00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,185 Oh, hiya, Rachael. 145 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,179 Oh, hey, Dr. Geller. 146 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:53,583 Sarah. 147 00:06:54,313 --> 00:06:55,348 Jim. 148 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:56,753 Merianna. 149 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,193 - Geez, Joe. - Yeah, I come here a lot. 150 00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:00,389 All right, I'm gonna hit the john. 151 00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:03,023 Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets. 152 00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:05,500 I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties. 153 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,533 I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Pewterschmidt, 154 00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:11,165 but the cancer is terminal. 155 00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:14,003 If you're lucky, you've got two weeks to live. 156 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,272 I understand. 157 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:18,072 Oh, my God! Carter's dying? 158 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:22,044 I now declare this hair transplant officially over! 159 00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:25,854 - Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, he's back! 160 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,447 You look great, Quagmire. 161 00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,692 Oh, my God. One of my patients on Two has been shot. 162 00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,264 - Hey, Stewie. - Um, hey, what's up? 163 00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:41,565 Were you... Were you just looking at Rollerblades? 164 00:07:41,694 --> 00:07:43,503 What? No. Yeah, who cares? What do you want? 165 00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:47,503 Listen, I was at the hospital earlier, and I heard something I wish I hadn't. 166 00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:50,747 Oh. Please do not tell me it was a sexist remark, 167 00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,646 because that is not okay. 168 00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,877 You know, those nurses are busting their asses, 169 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,954 weighing people and seeing how tall they are. 170 00:07:57,176 --> 00:08:00,589 Stewie, I heard a doctor tell Carter he has two weeks to live. 171 00:08:00,913 --> 00:08:02,449 What? Are you sure? 172 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:03,922 I saw it with my own eyes. 173 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:05,560 I gotta check this out. 174 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,758 Oh, my God, you're right! He looks awful. 175 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,362 Wait, how are we seeing this? 176 00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:15,003 Oh, I've got a nanny cam hidden inside his house. 177 00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,734 Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish. 178 00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:20,003 Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means, 179 00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:22,670 because it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here. 180 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:25,339 And the worst part is, I don't think Lois even knows he's sick. 181 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,078 Oh, this is going to destroy her! 182 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:32,316 Just thinking about it makes me all giddy, like a group of women ordering dessert. 183 00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,883 And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake 184 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,052 that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream 185 00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:38,560 and a molten chocolate topping. 186 00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:40,392 We'll have one of those with four spoons. 187 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,000 More like four of those with one spoon for me! 188 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,715 - Oh, hi, Brian. - Hey, Lois. 189 00:08:57,970 --> 00:09:02,510 Listen, I have something I need to tell you, but it might be difficult for you to hear. 190 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:04,379 - What is it? - Lois, 191 00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:07,521 - I think your father is dying. - What? 192 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,692 Ha! 193 00:09:09,815 --> 00:09:11,556 Brian, what are you talking about? 194 00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:16,155 Well, yesterday at the hospital, I heard a doctor tell him he has cancer, 195 00:09:16,255 --> 00:09:17,598 and that he has two weeks to live. 196 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:20,732 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy! 197 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,668 Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this, 198 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:27,370 but I'm trying to catch a 4:50 movie, and it's, like, 4:40 now, 199 00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:30,379 and so if I'm gonna make it, I have to leave, like, now. 200 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,582 Yeah, this stinks, 201 00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:39,418 but I've already blown this guy off, like, twice, so... 202 00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:47,588 I've been trying to call my parents all day, and I can't get ahold of them. 203 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:49,562 Mom, is Grandpa gonna die? 204 00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:52,498 No, Chris, God's gonna help him, and he's gonna get better. 205 00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:55,771 He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. 206 00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:57,908 Meg, stop being truthful with your brother. 207 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,371 I'll tell you, this obituary came out great. 208 00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:03,777 "Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer. 209 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:06,941 "In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin 210 00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:08,575 "at 31 Spooner Street." 211 00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:12,180 If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success. 212 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:19,355 Lois? What are you doing here? 213 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:23,491 Mom, I've been trying to get ahold of you. Is Daddy okay? Where is he? 214 00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:26,570 Oh, he's fine, dear, but now's not a good time. 215 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,036 He's very busy. 216 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,903 Look, I know somethings going on. I want to see him. 217 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,005 Daddy? 218 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,173 - Well, look who's here! - Daddy! You're okay! 219 00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:43,047 - Of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be? - Well, Brian said you were dying! 220 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:44,586 And I finished a book! 221 00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:48,124 I promised myself I'd work that in. I might've jumped the gun. 222 00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:49,582 I didn't finish it. 223 00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,920 I'm so glad you're all right. 224 00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:54,555 Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that? 225 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,928 Yeah, shame on you! 226 00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:59,526 Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. You are gonna get it when I drink. 227 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:02,372 What the hell's going on? 228 00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:05,374 Last night, Carter was on his deathbed, and now he looks better than he ever did. 229 00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:07,341 Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. 230 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,413 Maybe he went to a comedy club or something. 231 00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:13,313 In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid. 232 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,147 We had food coloring and water. 233 00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,619 Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid." 234 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:19,018 No, I don't get that. 235 00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:20,784 And everybody had an Uncle Earl. 236 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,759 You know, that uncle that sit around in the house all day in his under-drawers 237 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,487 saying he between jobs. 238 00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:29,191 To be between jobs, you had to have had a job in the first place! 239 00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:30,426 That's accurate! 240 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,402 And Earl got that cellphone. He on the Sprint plan. 241 00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,403 When the bill come, he sprint. 242 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:38,031 Yes! So many of them are delinquent in payment. 243 00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,081 Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls. 244 00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:47,514 Stewie, this is gonna sound crazy, 245 00:11:47,606 --> 00:11:49,950 but I have a theory about what's going on with Carter. 246 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,919 - Really? What is it? - Well, think about it. 247 00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:53,285 If Carter Pewterschmidt, 248 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,120 the dynamic chairman of Pewterschmidt Industries, 249 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:58,457 were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet. 250 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,723 I don't want you to think I'm not listening, 251 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,799 - but when's Christmas? - Not for a while. 252 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:05,494 But what I'm saying is, I think Carter is sick or possibly even dead, 253 00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,832 and that the man we saw today was an imposter 254 00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:10,533 brought in to keep Pewterschmidt Industries' stock price up 255 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,165 and to keep people from knowing the truth. 256 00:12:12,431 --> 00:12:13,739 Boy, you are just gonna keep on talking 257 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,744 with that poppy seed stuck in your teeth, aren't you? 258 00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:17,906 - Anyway, what are you suggesting? - We can follow him, 259 00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:19,243 see if he's really Carter. 260 00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:20,646 Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00. 261 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,243 I'm supposed to talk to the police about that shooting I witnessed. 262 00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:27,855 Good Lord, are you all right? 263 00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:32,157 If I die, leave two dollars' worth of flowers right here. 264 00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:37,066 Here's my fourth grade class photo. Lean it against a cheap candle. 265 00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:40,228 - Should I call an ambulance? - No. Call Channel Nine. 266 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:44,797 And have a gap-toothed woman say, quote, "He never bothered nobody." 267 00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,704 Okay, if this guy is an imposter, 268 00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:53,443 he's gonna have to do everything Carter normally does. 269 00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:55,450 We just have to wait and see if he slips up. 270 00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:56,576 All right, here he comes now. 271 00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:03,893 All right, Stu, now, if we can just... 272 00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:05,462 - No. - What? 273 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:06,996 You know what you did. 274 00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,389 Hey, wait a minute. If this is an imposter, 275 00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:11,764 then this guy we're following never had cancer. 276 00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,632 - Yeah, so? - Well, you're a dog. 277 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,103 Can't you just sniff cancer? 278 00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:18,539 No, that's just a myth we started so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs. 279 00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,973 it's nice to have a clean bill of health. 280 00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:24,275 Well, for now. The key is weekly follow-ups. 281 00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,577 You know, cervical cancer is also a problem. 282 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,549 My boyfriend thinks he might have prostate cancer. 283 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,642 Nope, doesn't. 284 00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:37,327 Okay, now we've got him. 285 00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,327 The real Carter would never go to a Starbucks. 286 00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:41,796 He thinks they're too liberal and pretentious. 287 00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:46,831 Coffee for Brent. 288 00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:49,163 Latte for Cecil. 289 00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,199 Beanie? 290 00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,642 None of those people are real. 291 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:57,373 I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. 292 00:13:57,469 --> 00:13:59,608 Woodstock's over, assholes. 293 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:15,326 Wow. You certainly look a lot better than that walking corpse I saw last week. 294 00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:18,163 Well, no one's ever gonna see that again, I can promise you that. 295 00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:21,727 I can't stress how important it is our secret be kept from the public. 296 00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:22,828 I understand, sir. 297 00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:26,740 And I assure you that Specimen Z is secure on level 12. 298 00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:28,303 Did you hear that, Brian? 299 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,313 That "walking corpse" was Carter dying of cancer. 300 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:34,111 - This guy is an imposter. - Oh, my God. 301 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,812 And I bet Specimen Z is the real Carter's body. 302 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:38,878 You two didn't hear that, did you? 303 00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:41,458 Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. 304 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,185 I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. 305 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,283 I don't work here. 306 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,021 - Then I'll have you killed. I want to die. 307 00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,157 I hated that guy back there. 308 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,366 Okay, this is level 12. 309 00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:57,433 There's the lab. Let's get in there and find Carter's body. 310 00:14:58,197 --> 00:14:59,870 Oh, crap, there's a keypad. 311 00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,945 We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. 312 00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:04,412 When's his birthday? I think it's in March. 313 00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:07,908 Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. 314 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:11,147 - Don't worry about it, Brian. Hey, what's going on down there? 315 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,689 - Nothing. - All right. 316 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,918 All right, now, where would they keep a dead body in a pharmaceutical lab? 317 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,490 Brian, look. 318 00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:22,598 That's it. I bet he's in there. 319 00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:34,839 Oh, my God! 320 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,141 Specimen Z isn't Carter's body. 321 00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:40,809 - What is it? - Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. 322 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,650 Carter didn't die. He cured himself. 323 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,348 Hold it right there. 324 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,092 Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. 325 00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,926 - Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? - See what you've started now? 326 00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:02,604 Carter, you found a cure for cancer? 327 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,605 Well, I didn't come up with it. A couple of eggheads I hired did. 328 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,644 One of them's a Chinese. 329 00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:09,269 Boy, I don't like those people. 330 00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,712 But holy crap, wind them up and watch them go. 331 00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:13,109 How long have you had this? 332 00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:16,014 I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? 333 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:18,348 You've had this since 1999? 334 00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,515 You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? 335 00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:22,489 It's a song about dogs and letting them out. 336 00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:24,683 I could have you arrested for breaking in here. 337 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,330 Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine. 338 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:29,399 Why the hell would you keep it buried like this? 339 00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,625 I'll tell you why. 340 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,100 Because there's far more money to be made 341 00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:34,171 in treating a disease than in curing it. 342 00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:37,240 Why cure someone of cancer in a day if we can treat them for a lifetime 343 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,104 and bill them every step along the way? 344 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:40,739 What? That's insane. 345 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,507 Brian, it's so cold in here, look how big my nips are. 346 00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,604 They're almost like a woman's. 347 00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:48,514 Oh, look, I'm tugging at them and they're getting even bigger. 348 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:52,154 Carter, what you're doing here is criminal, and I'm gonna tell the whole world about it. 349 00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:55,020 Is that right? Who's gonna believe you? The Internet? 350 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:57,890 You'll be just another nut-job, left-wing blogger. 351 00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,929 - Security! Everything's fine. 352 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,225 No, it isn't. Get in here. 353 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,360 Damn it! You bastards! 354 00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,164 I don't know why you're surprised by this, Brian. 355 00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:09,170 Big corporations never tell the truth. 356 00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:10,638 Look at the Kleenex industry. 357 00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:12,371 Well, we had another good quarter. 358 00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:14,501 I guess a lot of people are sneezing out there. 359 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:18,412 Jerry, I'm going to let you in on something, and it can't leave this room. 360 00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:21,883 Our research shows the primary use of our product is sperm. 361 00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,318 - What? - Yeah, and brace yourself for this. 362 00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:27,186 The second biggest use is women crying about nonsense. 363 00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:31,091 - But I thought sneezing was... - Jerry, Jerry, it's sperm and nonsense. 364 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,662 I can't believe Carter would sacrifice millions of lives 365 00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:38,325 just to protect corporate profits. 366 00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:39,562 Well, don't be too upset. 367 00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:42,537 Old Stewie here snagged a little souvenir on his way out. 368 00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:45,472 Oh, my God, Stewie. You got the cancer cure. 369 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:46,599 How'd you manage to steal it? 370 00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:50,109 It was easy. I just took it while you guys were yammering on. 371 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:52,910 I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone. 372 00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:57,549 That is amazing. All right, Bonnie. Well, it was good talking to you. 373 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,053 No way. She did? When did she say that? 374 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:05,552 You know what? That doesn't surprise me. That's how she is. 375 00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:11,329 Okay, then. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right, I'll see you Tuesday. 376 00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:14,167 Oh, no. What happened? 377 00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:18,941 That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. 378 00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:21,440 Well, you give them my best. 379 00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:25,003 Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. 380 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,983 Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. 381 00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:31,452 Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's. 382 00:18:31,977 --> 00:18:35,652 You've never been to Kohl's? Well, let me tell you about Kohl's. 383 00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:39,121 All right, well, you know the mall with the Chili's? 384 00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,253 It's across the street. 385 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,160 Bonnie? Bonnie, are you there? 386 00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:44,734 - What happened? Let's go! 387 00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:50,500 Oh, there you two are. 388 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:52,542 Lois, there's something incredible I have to tell you. 389 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,804 And there's something incredible I have to show you. 390 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,641 I learned how to do a somersault. 391 00:18:58,604 --> 00:18:59,912 Did I do it? 392 00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:02,584 - There he is. - Crap. 393 00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:06,155 Daddy? What's going on here? 394 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,158 Brian here has stolen something very important from me. 395 00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:10,693 Give it to me, Brian. 396 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,360 Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, 397 00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,523 but he won't release it because it's not profitable. 398 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:16,656 So I stole it. 399 00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:19,797 - Daddy, is this true? - Yeah. So what? 400 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:21,997 So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it. 401 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:25,007 Big deal. I also took a dump today and didn't issue a press release. 402 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,576 Oh, that's interesting, because I did. 403 00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:28,404 Good for Peter. 404 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,707 It's about time the media covered something positive. 405 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,879 Daddy, you're the chairman of a billion dollar company. 406 00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:37,112 You've got more money than anyone could ever spend in one lifetime. 407 00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,688 Are you challenging me to a Brewster's Millions? 408 00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:41,925 Is money all that you care about? 409 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,324 What if somebody close to you got cancer? 410 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:46,362 What if the maid who raised you 411 00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:49,227 'cause your parents were too wealthy and busy got cancer? 412 00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:51,025 - You mean Mamie? - Yeah. 413 00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,431 What if Mamie got cancer? 414 00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,170 Mamie's not getting cancer! 415 00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,872 Or how about one of us? 416 00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:59,807 What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? 417 00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:02,879 For once in your life, do the right thing. 418 00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:05,974 All right, pumpkin. I'll do it. 419 00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:07,611 I'll do it for you. 420 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,715 You will? You promise? 421 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,185 Yes. I'll make the announcement tomorrow. 422 00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:16,220 Oh, Daddy. Thank you so much. You're my hero. 423 00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,525 Oh, that's her father? 424 00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,429 Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker. 425 00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,002 Our top story, a big announcement 426 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:28,093 out of Pewterschmidt Pharmaceuticals today. 427 00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:31,904 Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt 428 00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:33,670 released a statement announcing the launch 429 00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:37,110 of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. 430 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:42,018 It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... 431 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:44,848 Don't know... And now sports. 432 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:48,920 That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? 433 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,290 That son of a bitch went back on his word. 434 00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:54,720 Hello? - Daddy. 435 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:58,495 We're all sitting here in front of the TV awaiting the big announcement. 436 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,161 Remember the one that's gonna benefit all mankind? 437 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,207 The one you promised to make for me, your daughter? 438 00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:05,639 I lied. 439 00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:08,678 Lois, you can't stay mad at him. He's rich and successful. 440 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,338 - It doesn't excuse what he did. - It'll be fine. 441 00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,814 He'll just do a magazine cover with a wink to who he is, 442 00:21:13,905 --> 00:21:14,975 and all will be forgiven. 443 00:21:17,576 --> 00:21:18,748 Oh, Daddy. 444 00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:21,916 I know. If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?