1 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,685 And here they are, the Sofa Speedsters-- 2 00:00:14,719 --> 00:00:17,554 the Simpsons on Brown Lightning! 3 00:00:17,589 --> 00:00:19,189 The Piggly Wiggums! 4 00:00:19,224 --> 00:00:20,691 The Bumble Buggy! 5 00:00:20,725 --> 00:00:22,059 The Greed Hornet! 6 00:00:22,093 --> 00:00:23,410 Dr. Groom! 7 00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:25,029 Glasgow-A-Go-Go! 8 00:00:25,063 --> 00:00:26,563 Hick Dastardly... 9 00:00:26,598 --> 00:00:28,232 and the Franken-continental! 10 00:00:28,266 --> 00:00:31,552 We'll be sitting pretty at the finish line! 11 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:43,580 Beat ya! 12 00:00:43,615 --> 00:00:45,371 D'oh! 13 00:00:45,373 --> 00:00:49,373 ♪ The Simpsons 24x04 ♪ Gone Abie Gone Original Air Date on November 11, 2012 14 00:00:49,398 --> 00:00:53,398 == sync, corrected by elderman == 15 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,328 Pushy sign! Don't tell me what to try! 16 00:00:58,363 --> 00:01:01,799 Homer! Dr. Hibbert told you to eat healthier! 17 00:01:01,833 --> 00:01:03,067 I don't recall that. 18 00:01:03,101 --> 00:01:04,618 Well, I do. 19 00:01:04,652 --> 00:01:05,636 Eat healthier! 20 00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:08,055 You too, Julius! 21 00:01:08,089 --> 00:01:09,656 I heard you were at Loretta's Diner 22 00:01:09,691 --> 00:01:10,624 on "Catfish Friday"! 23 00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:12,159 How do you know that? 24 00:01:12,193 --> 00:01:13,494 You got your brother following me? 25 00:01:13,528 --> 00:01:14,795 Chester needs a job. 26 00:01:14,829 --> 00:01:16,480 I paid him to build a shed! 27 00:01:16,514 --> 00:01:18,982 Where is my shed, Bernice? 28 00:01:19,017 --> 00:01:20,734 One onion rings, please. 29 00:01:23,204 --> 00:01:24,972 Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register? 30 00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:27,007 I've gotta get drunk before a party. 31 00:01:28,276 --> 00:01:31,011 Excuse me. A homeless man is 32 00:01:31,045 --> 00:01:32,479 giving himself a sink bath! 33 00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:38,318 Karate class is here and hungry! 34 00:01:38,353 --> 00:01:40,921 You got any scented candles? 35 00:01:46,094 --> 00:01:49,430 Ow! This is the worst pain imaginable! 36 00:01:49,464 --> 00:01:51,231 This one's cold. 37 00:01:51,266 --> 00:01:55,803 Mr. Simpson, your injury was no accidénte, 38 00:01:55,837 --> 00:01:58,272 it was... negligénce. 39 00:01:58,306 --> 00:02:00,107 My burns have affected our... 40 00:02:00,141 --> 00:02:01,558 intimacy... 41 00:02:01,593 --> 00:02:03,977 because all night, I talk about how much money 42 00:02:04,012 --> 00:02:05,913 I'm going to make from the lawsuit. 43 00:02:05,947 --> 00:02:08,732 Money? What I am concerned about is your burns. 44 00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:12,169 They have healed much too quickly. 45 00:02:12,203 --> 00:02:16,940 Sit still while I give your head the "third degree." 46 00:02:16,975 --> 00:02:20,577 Oh, God! It hurts worse than the burns! 47 00:02:20,612 --> 00:02:23,514 Yes, these are special acid markers. 48 00:02:24,766 --> 00:02:28,902 Homer Simpson, you shall receive $5,000 after legal fees. 49 00:02:28,937 --> 00:02:30,270 Pay up, Krusty. 50 00:02:30,305 --> 00:02:32,039 It wasn't even my place! 51 00:02:32,073 --> 00:02:34,775 Man, I got a bad lawyer. 52 00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:38,745 So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer? 53 00:02:38,797 --> 00:02:40,631 Well, thought bubble Marge said we should 54 00:02:40,665 --> 00:02:42,549 put it in a college fund for Lisa. 55 00:02:42,584 --> 00:02:43,934 So where's the money now? 56 00:02:43,968 --> 00:02:45,652 I put it in the bank. 57 00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:49,139 That place is great! On their wall, they had a photo 58 00:02:49,174 --> 00:02:51,608 with an old couple walking on the beach 59 00:02:51,643 --> 00:02:53,143 with their pants rolled up. 60 00:02:53,178 --> 00:02:55,078 Uh, Homer, we all wanna walk on a beach 61 00:02:55,113 --> 00:02:56,513 with our pants rolled up, 62 00:02:56,547 --> 00:02:59,149 but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be. 63 00:02:59,184 --> 00:03:00,834 Yeah, when you give the bank your money, 64 00:03:00,869 --> 00:03:02,419 they lend it to other people! 65 00:03:02,453 --> 00:03:04,438 I saw a Sesame Street about it! 66 00:03:04,489 --> 00:03:06,673 Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything. 67 00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:09,159 Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit, too? 68 00:03:09,194 --> 00:03:10,978 All the frogs on that show are Kermit. 69 00:03:11,012 --> 00:03:13,197 Keeps all the other frog actors out of work. 70 00:03:13,231 --> 00:03:14,832 That settles it. No banks for me. 71 00:03:14,866 --> 00:03:17,034 I'll tell you where you should put your money. 72 00:03:17,068 --> 00:03:19,303 The one safe place left in this world of woe: 73 00:03:19,337 --> 00:03:20,704 What the...? 74 00:03:20,738 --> 00:03:23,707 I'm not gonna gamble with my daughter's future. 75 00:03:23,741 --> 00:03:25,509 Nah, you don't have to bet the money. 76 00:03:25,543 --> 00:03:28,145 The poker website just keeps it nice and safe, 77 00:03:28,179 --> 00:03:30,681 where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it! 78 00:03:30,715 --> 00:03:34,218 A poker site is now safer than an American bank. 79 00:03:34,252 --> 00:03:37,988 Has our nation-- built on people suing because their onion rings 80 00:03:38,006 --> 00:03:40,607 were too hot-- come to this? 81 00:03:40,642 --> 00:03:42,776 Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't you badmouth this country. 82 00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:45,012 Compared to the rest of the Third World, 83 00:03:45,046 --> 00:03:45,913 we're doin' great! 84 00:03:45,947 --> 00:03:47,714 Open file, click and... 85 00:03:50,235 --> 00:03:51,301 ...invested! 86 00:03:51,336 --> 00:03:53,203 Hey, Lisa, check out your college fund! 87 00:03:53,238 --> 00:03:56,139 You put my college fund on a poker site?! 88 00:03:56,174 --> 00:03:57,808 It's a classy operation. 89 00:03:57,842 --> 00:04:00,177 See? The little dealer's wearing a bow tie-- cute! 90 00:04:00,211 --> 00:04:02,846 Well...at least I have a college fund! 91 00:04:02,881 --> 00:04:04,047 On a poker site! 92 00:04:04,082 --> 00:04:05,849 More importantly, it's a college fund. 93 00:04:05,884 --> 00:04:06,917 On a poker site! 94 00:04:06,951 --> 00:04:08,318 Dad, please! 95 00:04:08,353 --> 00:04:10,120 Sorry. Check out my new T-shirt. 96 00:04:12,790 --> 00:04:14,391 Where did you get that shirt? 97 00:04:14,425 --> 00:04:16,026 I've had it for a long time. 98 00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:18,061 I was just about to throw it out, 99 00:04:18,096 --> 00:04:19,179 and then this happened. 100 00:04:19,213 --> 00:04:21,765 Mwah! 101 00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:26,270 That's one way to avoid drunk driving. 102 00:04:26,304 --> 00:04:27,938 Another way is don't drink. 103 00:04:27,972 --> 00:04:29,673 I'm not Superman. 104 00:04:29,707 --> 00:04:31,975 Homie, do you know what yesterday was? 105 00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:34,144 Ha! Of course I do! 106 00:04:34,178 --> 00:04:37,514 Happy anni... birth... entine... 107 00:04:37,548 --> 00:04:39,316 Shark week? 108 00:04:39,350 --> 00:04:43,220 Yesterday's the day we were supposed to visit Grampa! 109 00:04:44,806 --> 00:04:46,356 What the...?! Stupid calendar. 110 00:04:46,391 --> 00:04:49,192 First you put the Fourth of July on Sunday, and now this! 111 00:04:49,227 --> 00:04:52,312 Oh, we're gonna discuss this later! 112 00:04:55,416 --> 00:04:57,050 Okay, remember the plan: Apologize to Grampa. 113 00:04:57,085 --> 00:05:00,120 Then when he wants us to take him out to lunch, 114 00:05:00,171 --> 00:05:01,772 point to the leftovers, 115 00:05:01,806 --> 00:05:03,824 tell him we already did, but he forgot. 116 00:05:03,858 --> 00:05:05,408 I still feel guilty. 117 00:05:05,426 --> 00:05:08,011 Your father's not going to be around forever. 118 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,780 Marge, you take that back! 119 00:05:09,814 --> 00:05:11,748 Fine, he'll be around forever. 120 00:05:11,783 --> 00:05:13,116 You take that back! 121 00:05:16,287 --> 00:05:18,622 We're here to see Abe Simpson. 122 00:05:18,656 --> 00:05:20,123 Abe Simpson?! Uh, excuse me. 123 00:05:23,044 --> 00:05:25,679 I'm very sorry to tell you your father... 124 00:05:25,713 --> 00:05:27,447 is missing. 125 00:05:27,482 --> 00:05:30,417 Missing?! What kind of a prison are you people running here? 126 00:05:30,451 --> 00:05:32,085 If it's any consolation, we'll probably find him 127 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:33,720 when the river thaws in the spring. 128 00:05:33,755 --> 00:05:36,556 A lot of bobbers then. 129 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,237 There's gotta be a clue in here somewhere. 130 00:05:42,271 --> 00:05:47,893 Spats, sock garters, the world's hardest hard candy... 131 00:05:50,446 --> 00:05:51,646 Oh, it's hopeless! 132 00:05:51,681 --> 00:05:54,683 This room is like a museum of meaningless old crap. 133 00:05:54,717 --> 00:05:57,319 By which I mean every museum. 134 00:05:57,353 --> 00:05:59,020 Grampa's army footlocker! 135 00:05:59,055 --> 00:06:01,256 I bet the most important things in the world 136 00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:03,191 to him are in this box! 137 00:06:03,226 --> 00:06:05,026 So precious... 138 00:06:09,565 --> 00:06:11,666 Look at that, a man's whole life 139 00:06:11,701 --> 00:06:14,035 being kicked around on the floor. 140 00:06:14,070 --> 00:06:16,238 "Spiro's... 141 00:06:16,272 --> 00:06:18,673 The place that changed my life..." 142 00:06:18,708 --> 00:06:21,510 Flimsy lead, take me away! 143 00:06:21,544 --> 00:06:25,280 Okay, baby, let's see the flop. 144 00:06:25,314 --> 00:06:26,865 Damn it! Lost again. 145 00:06:32,388 --> 00:06:35,223 Are you playing poker with my college fund? 146 00:06:35,258 --> 00:06:37,359 I'm only down $62. 147 00:06:37,393 --> 00:06:38,960 Not counting my tips to the waitresses. 148 00:06:42,999 --> 00:06:45,634 Get your hands off my future! 149 00:06:45,668 --> 00:06:48,904 Fine, fine. 150 00:06:48,938 --> 00:06:51,289 New low, even for this family. 151 00:06:51,324 --> 00:06:53,024 College fund on a poker site. 152 00:06:53,059 --> 00:06:54,199 I'm just gonna log right out. 153 00:06:54,224 --> 00:06:55,099 Hm. 154 00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:57,390 Get out of here! 155 00:06:58,849 --> 00:07:01,117 Huh. Two queens. 156 00:07:01,152 --> 00:07:03,453 That's a great start. 157 00:07:03,487 --> 00:07:07,557 Well, maybe I can just win the $62 back. 158 00:07:11,195 --> 00:07:14,831 Four queens! Yes! Yes...! 159 00:07:14,865 --> 00:07:16,132 Gambling, eh? 160 00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:18,301 Satan's most potent recruiting tool! 161 00:07:18,335 --> 00:07:22,072 All due respect, Mr. Flanders, could I have a little privacy? 162 00:07:22,106 --> 00:07:24,808 Please? 163 00:07:24,842 --> 00:07:26,209 Thank you. 164 00:07:34,285 --> 00:07:37,270 Yeah! $50 up! 165 00:07:37,304 --> 00:07:40,607 Time to play with house money! 166 00:07:40,641 --> 00:07:42,624 Or time to walk away from the table. 167 00:07:42,649 --> 00:07:44,649 Shoo! 168 00:07:44,979 --> 00:07:46,763 How did he...? 169 00:07:46,797 --> 00:07:50,383 Can't let Lisa lose her sense of wonder. 170 00:08:04,882 --> 00:08:07,834 Excuse me, have you seen this man? 171 00:08:07,868 --> 00:08:10,136 We don't like questions, man. 172 00:08:10,171 --> 00:08:12,338 Yeah, but I'm just trying to get information, 173 00:08:12,373 --> 00:08:15,208 like a nosey reporter or an undercover cop. 174 00:08:15,242 --> 00:08:16,409 What'd he say about a cop? 175 00:08:16,443 --> 00:08:18,812 Or a spy from a rival gang? 176 00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:19,813 Hey, what are you doing? 177 00:08:24,418 --> 00:08:26,452 Abe Simpson... used to work here. 178 00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:27,453 Put him down! 179 00:08:27,488 --> 00:08:28,488 Ow! 180 00:08:32,459 --> 00:08:33,293 Welcome to Spiro's! 181 00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:35,228 I am Spiro. 182 00:08:35,262 --> 00:08:37,163 Not the Spiro on the sign. That's my brother. 183 00:08:37,198 --> 00:08:39,165 Did you say my dad worked here? 184 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,900 Yes, in the old days. 185 00:08:40,935 --> 00:08:44,571 When people ate steak, drank champagne, and the music... 186 00:08:44,605 --> 00:08:48,508 oh, the music! I hated the music! 187 00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:01,571 Hmm... 188 00:09:03,774 --> 00:09:05,408 Simpson! I pay you to clean tables, 189 00:09:05,442 --> 00:09:07,010 not to write songs. 190 00:09:07,044 --> 00:09:08,444 And you, Marvin Hamlisch, 191 00:09:08,479 --> 00:09:10,780 I pay you to write songs, not to clean tables! 192 00:09:10,814 --> 00:09:13,116 What can I say? I like to pitch in. 193 00:09:22,826 --> 00:09:24,878 ♪ My heart does the two-step ♪ 194 00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,580 ♪ When you waltz in the place 195 00:09:27,615 --> 00:09:29,315 Wait a minute! 196 00:09:29,349 --> 00:09:33,570 My dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson? 197 00:09:33,604 --> 00:09:35,171 I never knew that. 198 00:09:37,124 --> 00:09:39,776 You know who would sound good singing that song? 199 00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:41,110 Me. 200 00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,730 Rita Lafleur singing one of my tunes?! 201 00:09:43,764 --> 00:09:47,217 Can a 35-year-old busboy's life get any better? 202 00:09:47,251 --> 00:09:49,302 ♪ My heart does the two-step 203 00:09:49,336 --> 00:09:51,087 ♪ When you waltz in the place 204 00:09:51,121 --> 00:09:53,389 ♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker ♪ 205 00:09:53,424 --> 00:09:55,425 ♪ When I look at your face 206 00:09:55,476 --> 00:10:00,780 ♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace... ♪ 207 00:10:00,814 --> 00:10:03,182 Busboy, that breadbasket napkin's so opened up, 208 00:10:03,217 --> 00:10:05,468 you can see everything! Disgusting! 209 00:10:05,502 --> 00:10:06,569 You're fired! 210 00:10:06,604 --> 00:10:07,971 Hey, you can't do that! 211 00:10:08,005 --> 00:10:10,173 I just turned sweet on him! Yeah! 212 00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:12,325 Be sweet on him in your own sweet time! 213 00:10:12,359 --> 00:10:14,160 Why did I ever leave Greece? 214 00:10:14,194 --> 00:10:16,162 Oh, that's right, 'cause it's a train wreck. 215 00:10:17,214 --> 00:10:19,415 I never saw either of them again. 216 00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,517 If you find your Dad, tell him sorry 217 00:10:21,552 --> 00:10:24,454 from Spiro Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolop odopotopolis. 218 00:10:24,488 --> 00:10:25,989 Got it. 219 00:10:26,023 --> 00:10:30,326 Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolop odopotopolis. 220 00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:31,995 Now, what was that singer's name again? 221 00:10:32,029 --> 00:10:33,263 Rita Lafleur. 222 00:10:33,297 --> 00:10:35,498 Rita La-what? 223 00:10:35,532 --> 00:10:36,499 Lafleur. 224 00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:37,800 One more time. 225 00:10:37,835 --> 00:10:39,869 Ugh! I'll write it down for you. 226 00:10:39,903 --> 00:10:43,940 Thank you Mr. Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolop odopotopolis. 227 00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,009 There's exactly one Rita Lafleur 228 00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:48,211 living in Springfield! 229 00:10:48,245 --> 00:10:49,796 That's where we live! 230 00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:52,065 Hello? Rita Lafleur? 231 00:10:52,099 --> 00:10:54,801 Did you know a man named Abe Simpson? 232 00:10:54,835 --> 00:10:55,935 Know him? 233 00:10:55,970 --> 00:10:57,203 I'm married to him. 234 00:10:58,339 --> 00:11:00,473 Homer, she's married to your dad! 235 00:11:00,507 --> 00:11:03,443 Whoo-hoo! I get two Christmases! 236 00:11:04,877 --> 00:11:06,876 I've read every expert on poker, 237 00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:09,067 and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD. 238 00:11:09,092 --> 00:11:10,644 Start with your senses Marnie. 239 00:11:10,669 --> 00:11:12,358 Use the little girl voice, 240 00:11:12,383 --> 00:11:14,397 and take them for everything they've got. 241 00:11:15,078 --> 00:11:18,308 Now, I'm need on the set of Bride of Chucky V. 242 00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:20,393 Time is money. 243 00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:21,784 Money is money. 244 00:11:21,809 --> 00:11:24,424 And money is college, which can lead to more money 245 00:11:24,449 --> 00:11:26,533 someday, but who knows anymore. 246 00:11:52,898 --> 00:11:54,732 Tim, what are you doing? 247 00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:56,034 Bible trivia. 248 00:11:56,068 --> 00:11:58,503 You've been doing that an awful lot lately. 249 00:11:58,537 --> 00:12:01,339 The Bible is rich with trivia! 250 00:12:01,373 --> 00:12:04,592 I can't believe my Dad never told me he had another wife. 251 00:12:04,626 --> 00:12:07,345 The man I looked up to my whole life. 252 00:12:07,379 --> 00:12:09,180 You never looked up to him. 253 00:12:09,214 --> 00:12:11,115 Well, it's a good thing I didn't 254 00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:13,434 because I'd be pretty devastated right now. 255 00:12:14,470 --> 00:12:16,204 I can't believe you're here. 256 00:12:16,238 --> 00:12:18,239 I'd finally gotten over your father 257 00:12:18,273 --> 00:12:21,376 just a week-and-a-half ago, and then you two show up. 258 00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:23,978 Well, we certainly don't want to cause you any more pain. 259 00:12:24,012 --> 00:12:26,647 But we need to know everything, no matter how shameful. 260 00:12:26,682 --> 00:12:27,749 And fast! 261 00:12:27,783 --> 00:12:30,451 I understand, but this is hard. 262 00:12:30,486 --> 00:12:31,652 Yeah. 263 00:12:31,687 --> 00:12:34,655 Well, just what attracted you to my father? 264 00:12:34,690 --> 00:12:37,258 Beneath his mediocrity there was genius. 265 00:12:37,292 --> 00:12:39,227 Then a layer of anger. 266 00:12:39,261 --> 00:12:41,329 Then a beautiful soul. 267 00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:43,881 Then some more anger! 268 00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:46,334 A lot of layers. 269 00:12:55,844 --> 00:12:59,097 After we were fired from Spiro's, we teamed up... 270 00:12:59,131 --> 00:13:01,399 for more than music. 271 00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:05,136 Oh, Abe! 272 00:13:05,170 --> 00:13:06,771 Yeah! 273 00:13:06,805 --> 00:13:10,174 Mm, that kind of romance leads to children. 274 00:13:10,209 --> 00:13:12,777 Faster than you'd think. 275 00:13:12,811 --> 00:13:14,946 I was alive when my Dad knew you? 276 00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:17,482 Alive, but very clueless. 277 00:13:17,516 --> 00:13:20,685 So this was after Homer's mother left? 278 00:13:20,719 --> 00:13:22,954 I love men on the rebound. 279 00:13:22,988 --> 00:13:25,256 They always think they've done something wrong 280 00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:27,191 and they usually come with furniture. 281 00:13:27,226 --> 00:13:29,861 My Dad had furniture?! 282 00:13:29,895 --> 00:13:32,864 I don't know him at all! 283 00:13:32,898 --> 00:13:35,850 One day, when we were walking through Proposal Park, 284 00:13:35,884 --> 00:13:38,436 Abe popped the question. 285 00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:40,338 We got married in the city hall, 286 00:13:40,372 --> 00:13:44,175 across from the prettiest church you ever seen. 287 00:13:46,011 --> 00:13:47,378 Then tragedy struck. 288 00:14:00,492 --> 00:14:03,661 Hey, I'm starting to remember why I don't remember so much. 289 00:14:03,695 --> 00:14:06,497 We celebrated in your hospital room. 290 00:14:06,532 --> 00:14:09,400 Our first night together as a family. 291 00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:11,736 We didn't know it would be our last. 292 00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,238 Hello? 293 00:14:15,541 --> 00:14:19,076 Abe! They want to book us on a European tour! 294 00:14:19,111 --> 00:14:20,761 That's fine, doll. Real fine. 295 00:14:20,796 --> 00:14:22,079 Why, we'll... 296 00:14:32,574 --> 00:14:36,244 You know, Europe's no place for a six-year-old. 297 00:14:36,278 --> 00:14:40,014 He can handle 110 volt, but 220 would kill him. 298 00:14:40,048 --> 00:14:43,217 But making music is my dream, Abe. 299 00:14:43,252 --> 00:14:44,619 Our dream. 300 00:14:44,653 --> 00:14:46,737 I know, Sugar Tomato, 301 00:14:46,772 --> 00:14:49,040 but I'm all the family this boy's got. 302 00:14:49,091 --> 00:14:51,275 If I don't take care of him now, 303 00:14:51,310 --> 00:14:53,377 he'll forget the day he's supposed to come 304 00:14:53,412 --> 00:14:56,614 and see me when I'm old. 305 00:15:01,253 --> 00:15:03,421 Are you okay, Daddy? 306 00:15:03,455 --> 00:15:06,891 Well of course I'm okay! I'm with you! 307 00:15:06,925 --> 00:15:09,026 Good-bye, Rita. 308 00:15:09,061 --> 00:15:11,863 This is why "life" comes before "love" in the dictionary. 309 00:15:12,965 --> 00:15:15,132 Aw, thanks, son. 310 00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:18,369 Now to make sure neither of us ever remember this. 311 00:15:25,777 --> 00:15:28,479 Oh, my God. 312 00:15:28,513 --> 00:15:31,482 I never knew the sacrifices my father made. 313 00:15:31,516 --> 00:15:33,150 Move over, Fonzie. 314 00:15:33,185 --> 00:15:35,586 I've got a new hero. 315 00:15:35,621 --> 00:15:37,588 I never saw Abe again. 316 00:15:37,623 --> 00:15:39,590 But I thought you still loved him. 317 00:15:39,625 --> 00:15:41,726 Life isn't all major chords. 318 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,929 Sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys. 319 00:15:44,963 --> 00:15:46,264 What does that mean? 320 00:15:46,298 --> 00:15:48,432 I got super-addicted to heroin. 321 00:15:50,969 --> 00:15:53,854 Yeah. 322 00:15:53,889 --> 00:15:55,923 Okay, education paid for, 323 00:15:55,958 --> 00:15:58,125 with a gap year to find myself. 324 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,760 Every nerve in my body is screaming 325 00:15:59,795 --> 00:16:03,698 "Cash out now," and yet... 326 00:16:03,732 --> 00:16:05,533 I've got a pair of aces! 327 00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:07,835 Ha! Full house! 328 00:16:07,869 --> 00:16:09,604 Aces over threes! 329 00:16:09,638 --> 00:16:12,506 Take that, Rich Texan 001, 330 00:16:12,541 --> 00:16:15,142 and Sideshow Bob @ Springfield Penitentiary-- Hah! 331 00:16:15,177 --> 00:16:16,410 I'm going all in! 332 00:16:19,331 --> 00:16:20,965 Aw, doggone it! 333 00:16:21,016 --> 00:16:22,817 I give up! 334 00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,785 It's like Kenny Rogers' most famous line: 335 00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:27,705 "This is a bad piece of chicken." 336 00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:33,544 He didn't fold? 337 00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:35,079 But that's insane unless he has... 338 00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,251 Four threes?! 339 00:16:40,285 --> 00:16:41,569 Oh, no! 340 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:43,487 No-no-no-no-no, no! 341 00:16:53,765 --> 00:16:56,634 I've lost, I've lost everything. 342 00:17:00,756 --> 00:17:02,323 We can all hear you. 343 00:17:02,357 --> 00:17:03,858 Please log off. 344 00:17:07,718 --> 00:17:08,751 Aw, come on, Lise. 345 00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:10,420 No gambling story has a happy ending 346 00:17:10,454 --> 00:17:11,688 except Seabiscuit. 347 00:17:11,722 --> 00:17:13,256 But you never hear about the ruined lives 348 00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:14,824 of the people who bet against him. 349 00:17:14,858 --> 00:17:16,559 Oh, God... 350 00:17:16,593 --> 00:17:18,594 This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! 351 00:17:18,629 --> 00:17:21,197 I was Ivy! Strong Ivy! 352 00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:25,768 Oh, man, this is priceless, but I can't keep it up. 353 00:17:25,803 --> 00:17:27,971 You've still got a college fund. 354 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,206 What are you talking about? 355 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,674 I'm Sideshow Bob! 356 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:36,212 I've been using his avatar to play poker 357 00:17:36,246 --> 00:17:37,647 and trash his favorite restaurants on Yelp. 358 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:40,116 And I saved your vegetarian bacon. 359 00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,117 Oh, my God! 360 00:17:41,151 --> 00:17:42,318 You won the pot? 361 00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:44,721 You must have nearly a million dollars! 362 00:17:44,755 --> 00:17:46,823 I can go to college and live like a Kennedy! 363 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,791 Listen, after I won, the website found out 364 00:17:48,826 --> 00:17:50,743 we were both under 18, so we're back 365 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,795 to the original $5,000. 366 00:17:52,830 --> 00:17:54,630 Shame! Shame! 367 00:17:54,665 --> 00:17:57,083 Did you give the money back to the people who lost it? 368 00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,718 Good-bye. 369 00:17:58,752 --> 00:18:02,088 Well, back to square one is a major victory 370 00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,457 in this house, but why did you help me? 371 00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:07,894 Come on! Tell me! 372 00:18:07,928 --> 00:18:10,897 Because I actually like you and felt sorry for you. 373 00:18:10,931 --> 00:18:12,965 What?! You did? 374 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,801 Forget I said anything! 375 00:18:14,835 --> 00:18:18,171 Sure. I have the ending for my memoir! 376 00:18:18,205 --> 00:18:20,773 I'm sorry I couldn't help you find your father. 377 00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:24,577 If you find him, tell him I can still do this. 378 00:18:24,611 --> 00:18:25,945 Yeah. 379 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,114 Holy moley. 380 00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:31,050 And tell him to put on a splash of this. 381 00:18:32,619 --> 00:18:34,020 That's Dad's cologne? 382 00:18:34,054 --> 00:18:37,123 I always thought it was his old-man stink. 383 00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:40,760 When I knew him, it was young-man musk. 384 00:18:40,794 --> 00:18:43,663 Man, you're making me hot for my Dad. 385 00:18:45,466 --> 00:18:49,001 Only place in town that still sells Chicory Mist. 386 00:18:49,036 --> 00:18:52,271 After people found out it's 98% squirrel sweat, 387 00:18:52,306 --> 00:18:53,940 they sorta stopped buying. 388 00:18:53,974 --> 00:18:55,842 Listen, do you know this man? 389 00:18:55,876 --> 00:18:57,110 Let me ask around. 390 00:18:57,144 --> 00:18:58,978 Abe, you seen this guy? 391 00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,580 Oh, I know him. 392 00:19:00,614 --> 00:19:03,049 He's a man who has no son! 393 00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,083 Dad! 394 00:19:05,252 --> 00:19:08,221 Abe, we were so worried! 395 00:19:08,255 --> 00:19:10,523 Dad, promise me you'll never wander off 396 00:19:10,557 --> 00:19:13,025 and make us explore your fascinating past again. 397 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:15,862 I didn't wander off, ya big fat salami! 398 00:19:15,896 --> 00:19:17,530 I ran away! 399 00:19:17,564 --> 00:19:18,231 What?! 400 00:19:18,265 --> 00:19:19,632 You think I'm boring, 401 00:19:19,666 --> 00:19:21,501 and you never visit me, 402 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,169 and I got sick of waitin' for ya! 403 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:26,005 So I got a job and found a new dump to live in 404 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,640 and I didn't tell you about it, 405 00:19:27,674 --> 00:19:30,376 so at least that way I know you're not coming! 406 00:19:30,411 --> 00:19:34,147 Grampa, we will never miss a visit again. 407 00:19:34,181 --> 00:19:36,149 And there'll be a lot more of them. 408 00:19:36,183 --> 00:19:38,551 And I don't think you're boring. 409 00:19:38,585 --> 00:19:41,687 It's just that in today's multichannel environment, 410 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,356 you have too many great choices. 411 00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:44,690 Look at Sunday night. 412 00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:46,759 There's, like, eight amazing shows. 413 00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:48,327 None of them on Fox. 414 00:19:48,362 --> 00:19:52,165 Well... when you put it that way, all right. 415 00:19:52,199 --> 00:19:56,536 I can't say all is forgiven, but most is forgotten. 416 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,805 Aw... 417 00:20:03,644 --> 00:20:05,044 I guess my honky-tonkin' days are over. 418 00:20:07,314 --> 00:20:11,617 What the...?! Someone's playin' my tune! 419 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,855 Don't take Grampa's meds. 420 00:20:15,889 --> 00:20:17,723 I'm payin' for 'em. 421 00:20:24,948 --> 00:20:26,082 Hey, Abe. 422 00:20:26,116 --> 00:20:28,067 Good to see you again. 423 00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:29,469 Rita! 424 00:20:29,503 --> 00:20:31,387 You look dynamite! 425 00:20:31,421 --> 00:20:33,806 And you look like you could use a good ironing, 426 00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,208 but I still love you. 427 00:20:35,242 --> 00:20:37,176 Take a seat. Yeah. 428 00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:43,649 ♪ My heart does the two-step when you waltz in the place ♪ 429 00:20:43,684 --> 00:20:47,453 ♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker when I look at your face ♪ 430 00:20:47,488 --> 00:20:52,124 ♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace! ♪ 431 00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:55,282 Yeah... 432 00:20:55,284 --> 00:20:57,777 That's how wolves die in the wild. 433 00:20:57,779 --> 00:21:01,779 == sync, corrected by elderman ==