1
00:00:03,789 --> 00:00:06,090
- Alex, wake up.
- [Sighs]
2
00:00:06,124 --> 00:00:09,510
Are you sure you still wanna
be with me forever and ever...
3
00:00:09,544 --> 00:00:11,578
And ever?
4
00:00:12,931 --> 00:00:14,799
- I do.
- Whoo!
5
00:00:14,850 --> 00:00:16,100
Me, too!
6
00:00:16,134 --> 00:00:18,436
[Sighs] You know, mine itches.
Those tattoo needles
7
00:00:18,470 --> 00:00:19,553
did not look good.
8
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,138
There's a very strong possibility
9
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,940
that I have hepatitis.
10
00:00:22,974 --> 00:00:26,360
That means we have hepatitis.
11
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,279
Aw.
12
00:00:28,313 --> 00:00:29,864
That makes total sense.
You know, the day we
13
00:00:29,898 --> 00:00:32,299
become officially monogamous,
we catch an std.
14
00:00:32,334 --> 00:00:34,385
[Laughs]
15
00:00:34,419 --> 00:00:36,120
Are you sure the tattoos are enough?
16
00:00:36,154 --> 00:00:38,139
'Cause we can totally try
to get married again on Monday.
17
00:00:38,173 --> 00:00:40,541
Nah, no.
This is more us, you know?
18
00:00:40,575 --> 00:00:43,043
I mean, yesterday,
we went to city hall, the DMV,
19
00:00:43,078 --> 00:00:45,012
and the emergency room,
so really, it was just
20
00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:46,530
as exhausting as an actual wedding.
21
00:00:46,565 --> 00:00:47,915
[Laughs]
22
00:00:47,949 --> 00:00:50,334
I mean, we don't need
a marriage license.
23
00:00:50,385 --> 00:00:52,870
You know, I mean, tattoos
are so much more permanent.
24
00:00:52,904 --> 00:00:54,421
We're doin' our own thing.
25
00:00:54,456 --> 00:00:55,756
Let's just say we're married.
26
00:00:55,791 --> 00:00:57,424
Just like you say
you graduated college.
27
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,677
[Laughs] Exactly.
28
00:00:59,728 --> 00:01:01,812
Well, then, uh, we're married now.
29
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:05,182
Cool.
Feel good and old.
30
00:01:05,217 --> 00:01:07,634
[Laughs]
31
00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:09,320
But I promise you:
Just 'cause we're married
32
00:01:09,354 --> 00:01:10,637
does not mean I'm gonna
throw in the towel.
33
00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:12,156
You know, I know a lot of women,
when they get married,
34
00:01:12,190 --> 00:01:14,024
they, you know, cut their hair short.
35
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:15,493
I am not gonna do that, okay?
36
00:01:15,527 --> 00:01:17,495
In fact, I'm gonna grow my hair out.
37
00:01:17,529 --> 00:01:19,663
[Chuckles] Okay, cool.
38
00:01:19,698 --> 00:01:22,316
All of it.
39
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:27,154
All right, well, I for sure
am gonna let myself go.
40
00:01:27,189 --> 00:01:30,991
[Laughs] Go where?
41
00:01:31,026 --> 00:01:35,479
How much further can you go?
42
00:01:35,514 --> 00:01:38,048
- You'll see.
- [Laughs]
43
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,350
You know, let's have my mom over.
44
00:01:39,384 --> 00:01:40,667
I wanna tell her
that I'm married, you know,
45
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:41,886
so she'll stop trying to set me up
46
00:01:41,937 --> 00:01:45,072
with distant relatives.
47
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:46,140
- You sure?
- Yeah!
48
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:48,225
I mean, I'm a wife now.
49
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:49,643
I need to get in the habit
of doing things
50
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,678
that make me miserable.
51
00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:53,697
Yeah, and I'm a husband.
52
00:01:53,732 --> 00:01:55,699
I need to get in the habit
of making you miserable.
53
00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:58,319
[Laughs]
54
00:01:58,353 --> 00:02:00,571
All right, well, then,
we'll invite your mom over.
55
00:02:00,622 --> 00:02:02,239
Look, I don't really care what we do,
56
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:04,291
as long as we get
to consummate our marriage.
57
00:02:04,326 --> 00:02:07,411
- Mm! [Laughs]
- Mm.
58
00:02:07,462 --> 00:02:11,365
Oh, no.
My left finger's broken.
59
00:02:11,383 --> 00:02:14,134
[Exhales] Mine's not.
60
00:02:14,169 --> 00:02:14,891
[Laughs]
61
00:02:15,011 --> 00:02:20,305
Sync & corrections by honeybunny & YesCool
www.addic7ed.com
62
00:02:20,425 --> 00:02:22,343
♪ Girl, look at that body ♪
63
00:02:22,377 --> 00:02:24,144
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
64
00:02:24,179 --> 00:02:25,679
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
65
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,881
♪ I--I work out
66
00:02:27,899 --> 00:02:29,350
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
67
00:02:29,384 --> 00:02:30,601
[Music stops]
Okay.
68
00:02:30,652 --> 00:02:34,054
That was your bachelorette party.
69
00:02:34,072 --> 00:02:35,739
[Sighs] I can't believe
you're married.
70
00:02:35,774 --> 00:02:40,661
You!
I mean, you.
71
00:02:40,695 --> 00:02:44,064
Aw, I remember my first day
of marriage.
72
00:02:44,082 --> 00:02:46,566
Who am I kidding?
No, I don't.
73
00:02:46,585 --> 00:02:48,285
So I'm all ready
to hang out with your mom.
74
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,837
What do you want me to do,
make some bloody Marys
75
00:02:49,871 --> 00:02:52,373
and put some plastic down?
[Laughs]
76
00:02:52,407 --> 00:02:54,458
No, I do not need any help.
I got it.
77
00:02:54,509 --> 00:02:55,793
Aw, come on, let me
help you out with something.
78
00:02:55,844 --> 00:02:57,845
- You broke your finger.
- No, don't bother, Alex.
79
00:02:57,879 --> 00:02:59,129
Whit won't ever let anyone help her.
80
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,848
Yeah, I saw her
paint a whole room once
81
00:03:00,882 --> 00:03:01,932
without a ladder.
82
00:03:01,967 --> 00:03:04,802
Bitch can jump.
83
00:03:04,853 --> 00:03:06,387
No, but I thought, you know,
some of that would change
84
00:03:06,421 --> 00:03:08,305
once we got married.
I mean, come on, Whit.
85
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,307
Let me do some husband stuff.
86
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,593
Okay, you wanna do some husband stuff?
87
00:03:13,612 --> 00:03:17,197
- Leave.
- Okay.
88
00:03:17,232 --> 00:03:19,283
Okay, so don't forget:
Everything my mom says
89
00:03:19,317 --> 00:03:21,201
is either a backhanded compliment
90
00:03:21,236 --> 00:03:22,653
or a front-handed insult.
91
00:03:22,704 --> 00:03:24,771
- Got it, right?
- So if she says,
92
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:27,041
"wow, this apartment's
really easy to keep clean,"
93
00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:28,275
- she means...
- That it's small.
94
00:03:28,293 --> 00:03:31,662
And that you're not a man,
but you got it.
95
00:03:31,713 --> 00:03:34,214
- Can I help you with that?
- No, I got it.
96
00:03:34,249 --> 00:03:36,884
[Grunting]
97
00:03:36,918 --> 00:03:40,137
Damn, bitch can jump.
98
00:03:40,171 --> 00:03:42,756
Wow, Whit is taking this
marriage stuff pretty seriously.
99
00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:44,058
Maybe we should split a wedding gift.
100
00:03:44,092 --> 00:03:45,476
How about, like, a spa treatment?
101
00:03:45,510 --> 00:03:47,394
Oh, no.
Whit would hate that.
102
00:03:47,429 --> 00:03:49,313
She can't be in small spaces.
103
00:03:49,347 --> 00:03:51,631
Keep in mind that Whitney
is claustrophobic,
104
00:03:51,650 --> 00:03:54,301
agoraphobic,
but also has abandonment issues
105
00:03:54,319 --> 00:03:58,022
which is why she can't stand it
if people are more or less
106
00:03:58,073 --> 00:04:00,791
than 20 feet away from her.
107
00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:02,242
I did not know that.
108
00:04:02,277 --> 00:04:04,244
Oh, the other day, I saw these
beautiful Martini shakers--
109
00:04:04,279 --> 00:04:05,829
Oh, no, no, no, no.
110
00:04:05,864 --> 00:04:08,315
Whitney does not have a healthy
relationship with Martinis.
111
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,501
One time, we were
at sandals in key west.
112
00:04:10,535 --> 00:04:12,553
Whitney had four Martinis
and got into a fistfight
113
00:04:12,587 --> 00:04:15,456
with an olive.
114
00:04:15,490 --> 00:04:17,091
The olive won.
115
00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:18,542
[Knock at door]
Oh, hey, that's my mom.
116
00:04:18,593 --> 00:04:21,879
- Can you grab it?
- Uh, yeah.
117
00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:23,931
Candi.
118
00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:26,383
You!
119
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,435
Me.
120
00:04:28,470 --> 00:04:30,771
Lily!
121
00:04:30,805 --> 00:04:32,022
When's the big day?
122
00:04:32,057 --> 00:04:34,775
Oh, uh, we actually
called off the engagement.
123
00:04:34,809 --> 00:04:37,344
Oh, no! Why?
124
00:04:37,362 --> 00:04:38,845
We just weren't compatible.
125
00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:40,481
You know what they say:
Men are from Mars,
126
00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:44,284
and Neal's having sex with men.
127
00:04:44,319 --> 00:04:46,487
Oh, honey, he'll be back.
128
00:04:46,521 --> 00:04:49,356
He'll soon realize
that men are disgusting.
129
00:04:49,374 --> 00:04:53,527
- Hi, mom.
- Hi, honey. [Chuckles]
130
00:04:53,545 --> 00:04:54,745
Hey, Candi, do you want a drink?
131
00:04:54,796 --> 00:04:58,365
- Yeah, sure.
It's 10:00 A.M. somewhere.
132
00:04:58,383 --> 00:05:00,367
Whit, are you sure
you don't want us to stay?
133
00:05:00,385 --> 00:05:01,969
We can totally stay and help out.
134
00:05:02,003 --> 00:05:04,004
- Aw, you guys can go.
- Oh, you sure?
135
00:05:06,141 --> 00:05:09,810
- Mom, what is this?
- That's from me.
136
00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:11,345
- Congratulations.
- Come on!
137
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:12,513
You didn't have
to get us a gift--
138
00:05:12,547 --> 00:05:14,481
No. No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine.
139
00:05:14,516 --> 00:05:18,068
Your cousin Nancy doesn't
come over here, does she?
140
00:05:18,103 --> 00:05:20,854
- I have cousins?
- Perfect.
141
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,389
I would've brought it to the ceremony,
142
00:05:22,407 --> 00:05:23,774
but I wasn't invited.
143
00:05:23,825 --> 00:05:25,409
Oh, no, we didn't have a ceremony.
144
00:05:25,443 --> 00:05:27,111
- Didn't Whit tell you?
- Yeah, mom, remember?
145
00:05:27,162 --> 00:05:28,579
We talked on the phone last night?
146
00:05:28,613 --> 00:05:30,614
I was screaming over your blender?
147
00:05:30,665 --> 00:05:32,899
You were making a protein shake...
148
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:34,952
- colada?
- Ah.
149
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:36,837
Must not have registered.
150
00:05:36,871 --> 00:05:38,205
You know
I take my pill at 9:00.
151
00:05:38,239 --> 00:05:39,456
- Oh, no,
she called you at 5:00.
152
00:05:39,491 --> 00:05:44,128
- I take my first pill
at 4:00.
153
00:05:44,162 --> 00:05:45,295
So let me see the ring.
154
00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:47,264
Oh, um, well, Alex got me a ring,
155
00:05:47,298 --> 00:05:48,632
but then my finger broke,
156
00:05:48,683 --> 00:05:50,267
so we had to go to the E.R.,
and then they had to cut--
157
00:05:50,301 --> 00:05:51,268
Is that what he told you to say?
158
00:05:51,302 --> 00:05:53,971
Because I can find a shelter.
159
00:05:54,022 --> 00:05:55,856
Candi, we didn't really
do the marriage license thing,
160
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:57,307
you know, but we got tattoos.
161
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:58,559
Mm-hmm.
162
00:05:58,593 --> 00:06:00,978
[Laughs] I don't understand.
163
00:06:01,029 --> 00:06:02,780
- Wha--there's no ring?
- Mm-mm.
164
00:06:02,814 --> 00:06:04,598
There's no license?
There's no ceremony?
165
00:06:04,616 --> 00:06:05,866
Yes, but as far as we're concerned,
166
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,034
we are totally married.
167
00:06:07,068 --> 00:06:09,870
[Exhales] Well, that's fun.
168
00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:12,339
Well, what am I supposed
to tell my friends?
169
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,408
Okay, mom, just tell them
that we're m--
170
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:17,377
Um, guess what?
I made your favorite.
171
00:06:17,412 --> 00:06:19,779
- Chicken and splenda.
- [Chuckles] Look at you.
172
00:06:19,798 --> 00:06:20,831
Look at you and your kitchen.
173
00:06:20,882 --> 00:06:22,299
Reminds me of when you
174
00:06:22,333 --> 00:06:24,451
used to stick your head
in your easy-bake oven.
175
00:06:24,469 --> 00:06:26,620
Okay, mom,
it wasn't an easy-bake oven.
176
00:06:26,638 --> 00:06:31,008
It was an empty Jack Daniels box
with a flashlight taped inside.
177
00:06:31,059 --> 00:06:32,459
Why would you bring that up?
178
00:06:32,477 --> 00:06:35,896
Well, okay, so, uh, what about
the splenda situation here?
179
00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:37,581
Do I put the splenda on the chicken?
180
00:06:37,615 --> 00:06:38,849
Do I put the chicken on the splenda?
181
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:41,301
Or do I sprinkle it...
[Whistles] like, directly
182
00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:43,153
in the bird?
183
00:06:43,188 --> 00:06:45,272
- Uh, that's gross.
- That's disgusting.
184
00:06:45,306 --> 00:06:46,273
- You just--
Both: You use it
185
00:06:46,307 --> 00:06:49,610
- to make the sauce.
- Oh, uh, uh--
186
00:06:49,644 --> 00:06:50,944
- [exhales]
187
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,446
Uh, you know, honey, would you mind
188
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,364
- if I didn't stay for dinner?
- Why?
189
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:57,084
Well, I told Donna I couldn't
come to her housewarming
190
00:06:57,118 --> 00:06:58,368
'cause I thought you got married,
191
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:02,172
and now I feel like a liar.
192
00:07:02,207 --> 00:07:07,327
And you know, Donna,
she's like family to me.
193
00:07:07,345 --> 00:07:09,012
- No worries at all, mom.
- Okay.
194
00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:10,163
You know what?
195
00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:11,381
Why don't you put my chicken on ice?
196
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:13,383
Maybe I'll swing by on the way back,
197
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,519
but I think it's gonna
be an all-nighter.
198
00:07:15,553 --> 00:07:19,839
Donna's husband works for Seagram's.
199
00:07:19,858 --> 00:07:22,643
Tell you what?
Keep the gift.
200
00:07:22,677 --> 00:07:25,863
- Thank you.
- See ya, Alex.
201
00:07:25,897 --> 00:07:28,148
Listen: Getting
a marriage license
202
00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:29,233
takes two minutes.
203
00:07:29,284 --> 00:07:30,317
Make it official.
204
00:07:30,351 --> 00:07:31,652
It makes it harder for them to leave,
205
00:07:31,686 --> 00:07:33,203
and don't have children right away.
206
00:07:33,238 --> 00:07:34,354
That's what your father and I did,
207
00:07:34,372 --> 00:07:35,706
and it was a disaster.
208
00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,624
Love you.
209
00:07:37,659 --> 00:07:38,792
Love you.
210
00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:41,461
So I took a swing
211
00:07:41,496 --> 00:07:43,163
at this splenda sauce.
I think I'm coming close.
212
00:07:43,197 --> 00:07:45,832
- Is it supposed to glow?
- Mm-hmm.
213
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,000
You know, your mom,
it was really nice of her
214
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,001
gettin' a gift.
215
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,002
She didn't have to do that.
216
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:53,574
- I think that, uh--
- [Sobbing]
217
00:07:53,608 --> 00:07:55,709
Whit, are you hot?
218
00:07:57,896 --> 00:07:59,379
You okay?
219
00:07:59,397 --> 00:08:02,182
I'm fine.
[Sobbing]
220
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:03,400
Wait, I know this game.
221
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:06,520
"I'm fine" means you're not fine.
222
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:09,239
[Crying] It's nothing.
223
00:08:09,274 --> 00:08:10,657
Come here.
Come here.
224
00:08:10,692 --> 00:08:11,992
Okay, come here.
Come here, come here.
225
00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:13,727
Oh, it's nothing.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
226
00:08:13,745 --> 00:08:16,580
It's okay, it's okay.
Come here. Come here.
227
00:08:16,614 --> 00:08:19,199
[Cries]
228
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:22,002
I mean, it's the most important
day of my life.
229
00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:24,004
She just left.
230
00:08:24,038 --> 00:08:25,455
It's okay, all right?
Everything's gonna be fine.
231
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,424
You have me now.
It's okay.
232
00:08:27,458 --> 00:08:30,460
[Exhales]
233
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,966
What's that?
234
00:08:36,017 --> 00:08:38,135
What?
235
00:08:38,186 --> 00:08:40,187
That.
236
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,965
That's nothing.
237
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,017
I definitely felt something.
238
00:08:54,052 --> 00:08:57,654
No, uh, that's my belt buckle.
239
00:08:57,689 --> 00:09:01,608
Okay, does your belt buckle
have a pulse?
240
00:09:01,643 --> 00:09:04,277
Yeah.
241
00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:06,380
Why are you turned on?
242
00:09:06,414 --> 00:09:08,832
Is this because I'm crying?
243
00:09:08,883 --> 00:09:10,701
What?
No--you're crying?
244
00:09:10,735 --> 00:09:13,136
Uh, wh--I don't--
poor you.
245
00:09:13,171 --> 00:09:18,475
Come here--oh.
Come here.
246
00:09:18,509 --> 00:09:20,894
[Scoffs] Do you have
some kind of sick fetish
247
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,846
for, like, weak girls?
248
00:09:22,897 --> 00:09:24,231
What? No.
I don't think so.
249
00:09:24,265 --> 00:09:25,866
Ha--do you?
250
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:27,734
[Scoffs] Okay, great.
251
00:09:27,769 --> 00:09:30,437
For the first time in my life,
I actually feel safe,
252
00:09:30,471 --> 00:09:32,439
and this is what you do.
Thank you.
253
00:09:32,473 --> 00:09:38,245
Excuse me.
I did not authorize this, okay?
254
00:09:38,279 --> 00:09:42,366
It just, like--
it just happened.
255
00:09:42,417 --> 00:09:44,751
Okay, I'm really freaked out
by you right now.
256
00:09:44,786 --> 00:09:47,170
I'm just--I'm gonna
go for a walk.
257
00:09:47,205 --> 00:09:48,372
Well, no, no.
No, no, no.
258
00:09:48,423 --> 00:09:49,940
Hey, look, you know what?
Just keep talking.
259
00:09:49,974 --> 00:09:51,991
It'll go away.
260
00:09:54,362 --> 00:09:57,533
[Exhales] Oh, really?
Now you go away?
261
00:09:59,884 --> 00:10:01,685
Wait.
262
00:10:01,719 --> 00:10:04,504
What is wrong with me?
263
00:10:08,052 --> 00:10:09,463
- What?
- That did not happen.
264
00:10:09,548 --> 00:10:10,807
- Stop it.
- There is no way.
265
00:10:10,926 --> 00:10:14,674
- It's crazy, right?
Both: You cried?
266
00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:17,770
I feel like that's less
the thing than the other thing.
267
00:10:17,804 --> 00:10:19,372
You didn't even cry when you walked
268
00:10:19,406 --> 00:10:23,342
through the sliding glass door
at Chili's.
269
00:10:23,377 --> 00:10:26,595
No, you know what?
I've seen Whitney cry before.
270
00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:28,798
- You have?
- Yeah. It was in college.
271
00:10:28,832 --> 00:10:31,100
She was crying in the shower,
272
00:10:31,134 --> 00:10:33,335
and so was I.
273
00:10:33,353 --> 00:10:35,521
We all were.
274
00:10:36,690 --> 00:10:40,393
Whitney cried?
275
00:10:40,444 --> 00:10:41,527
Yup.
276
00:10:41,561 --> 00:10:45,898
Whitney still has tears in her head?
277
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,366
Apparently.
I feel terrible.
278
00:10:47,401 --> 00:10:49,869
- She started crying.
- And that's when you--
279
00:10:49,903 --> 00:10:52,354
Yeah.
280
00:10:52,372 --> 00:10:54,123
Dude, it's not your fault.
281
00:10:54,157 --> 00:10:56,292
Sometimes, that just happens
at the worst time.
282
00:10:56,326 --> 00:10:57,960
You're not even thinkin' about sex
283
00:10:57,995 --> 00:11:00,713
and you get a visit
from the goon squad.
284
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,081
One time that happened
to me when I was going
285
00:11:02,132 --> 00:11:03,215
through airport security.
286
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,301
Things get weird when I'm barefoot.
287
00:11:05,335 --> 00:11:07,386
Yeah, one time it happened
to me at the rock climbing wall
288
00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:09,038
at the ESPN zone.
289
00:11:09,056 --> 00:11:13,059
- Oh, and once at Staples.
- Every time!
290
00:11:13,093 --> 00:11:16,095
The worst is when it happens
at a family reunion.
291
00:11:18,348 --> 00:11:20,349
And you lost me.
292
00:11:22,486 --> 00:11:24,820
Usually, when that happens,
there's something primal
293
00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:26,689
going on, like...
294
00:11:26,723 --> 00:11:28,858
You needed to protect her
and procreate.
295
00:11:28,892 --> 00:11:31,160
I mean, this is
national geographic 101.
296
00:11:31,194 --> 00:11:33,863
Yeah, Whitney is so independent.
297
00:11:33,897 --> 00:11:35,948
Maybe I just got turned on
'cause she was being vulnerable,
298
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,234
you know?
299
00:11:38,268 --> 00:11:42,254
You sicko.
300
00:11:42,289 --> 00:11:44,006
I am so confused about this.
301
00:11:44,041 --> 00:11:46,509
It's like,
I feel really angry and unsafe,
302
00:11:46,543 --> 00:11:50,379
but I also feel really pretty.
303
00:11:50,413 --> 00:11:53,099
It's not a big deal.
Guys are always excited.
304
00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:54,767
That's why their pants
are made to poke out
305
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:57,803
like that when they sit.
306
00:11:57,854 --> 00:11:59,889
I mean, I don't know what to do.
307
00:11:59,923 --> 00:12:01,423
Just apologize.
308
00:12:01,441 --> 00:12:02,408
I didn't do anything wrong.
309
00:12:02,442 --> 00:12:03,809
It doesn't matter.
310
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:05,644
Look, my biggest regret in my marriage
311
00:12:05,695 --> 00:12:08,114
was always being too proud
to apologize.
312
00:12:08,148 --> 00:12:12,368
My second regret was giving him
my iTunes password.
313
00:12:12,402 --> 00:12:15,938
You guys, is Taylor swift
gonna be okay?
314
00:12:15,956 --> 00:12:18,290
My biggest regret in my relationship
315
00:12:18,325 --> 00:12:21,877
was being a woman, so...
316
00:12:26,550 --> 00:12:28,617
[Ambient sports sounds]
317
00:12:28,635 --> 00:12:31,253
- Hey.
- Hey, look, I'm really sorry.
318
00:12:31,287 --> 00:12:33,139
- That wasn't cool.
- No, I'm sorry.
319
00:12:33,173 --> 00:12:35,391
I--I completely
overreacted,
320
00:12:35,425 --> 00:12:37,927
and, you know, it's--
321
00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:41,897
it's my fault
for lookin' so cute today.
322
00:12:41,932 --> 00:12:43,649
Well, I actually
think I just got excited
323
00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:46,685
- 'cause your mom left.
- [Laughs]
324
00:12:49,489 --> 00:12:51,991
[Groans] I'm sorry.
I just--I get so sensitive
325
00:12:52,025 --> 00:12:53,325
when my mom's around.
326
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,978
It's like she just
pushes all of my buttons.
327
00:12:55,996 --> 00:12:57,196
She certainly knows where they are,
328
00:12:57,247 --> 00:13:00,416
- because she put them there.
- [Laughs]
329
00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:04,203
I think she just was confused
about how unconventional
330
00:13:04,254 --> 00:13:05,754
our thing is.
331
00:13:05,789 --> 00:13:06,956
Oh.
332
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:08,591
So you're saying my mom's right?
333
00:13:08,625 --> 00:13:10,009
Well, no, I didn't say that.
334
00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:12,161
Oh.
That's how it felt.
335
00:13:12,179 --> 00:13:16,549
Well, feelings aren't facts.
336
00:13:16,583 --> 00:13:20,636
I mean, that's what you say
under your breath sometimes.
337
00:13:20,670 --> 00:13:23,689
Okay, do not use
my affirmations against me.
338
00:13:23,723 --> 00:13:25,674
No. [Laughs]
I just think
339
00:13:25,692 --> 00:13:27,860
that we need to get used to people
340
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:31,864
being confused about this.
341
00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:33,816
Okay.
342
00:13:33,850 --> 00:13:35,284
I'm sorry.
343
00:13:35,318 --> 00:13:37,069
It's okay,
you don't have to apologize.
344
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,654
Okay, I'm not really sorry.
345
00:13:38,688 --> 00:13:42,024
I just don't want
to end up like Roxanne.
346
00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:43,525
Where's the chicken?
347
00:13:43,543 --> 00:13:45,628
Oh, I threw it away.
348
00:13:45,662 --> 00:13:47,830
You threw away the chicken?
349
00:13:47,864 --> 00:13:49,698
Yeah, I just--I didn't
know you still wanted it.
350
00:13:49,716 --> 00:13:52,935
Who are you?
351
00:13:52,969 --> 00:13:54,720
You still wanted it?
352
00:13:54,754 --> 00:13:58,224
Chicken's my whole life.
353
00:13:58,258 --> 00:14:02,795
I thought that honey boo boo
was your whole life.
354
00:14:02,829 --> 00:14:05,347
Okay.
355
00:14:05,381 --> 00:14:07,867
That was the first chicken
I made as a wife.
356
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:09,652
All right, so what
do you want me to do?
357
00:14:09,686 --> 00:14:11,687
Bronze it?
358
00:14:11,721 --> 00:14:14,607
Okay, look, we both know
your mom's not coming back.
359
00:14:14,658 --> 00:14:17,426
Donna's husband works for Seagram's.
360
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:20,112
Okay, are you, like,
trying to make me cry again?
361
00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:21,580
Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
Hold on. Whoa.
362
00:14:21,615 --> 00:14:24,533
Just everybody relax.
Let's just stop talking
363
00:14:24,567 --> 00:14:26,585
- maybe for like a minute, okay?
- Okay, okay.
364
00:14:26,620 --> 00:14:29,238
In that case,
why don't we just get a divorce?
365
00:14:29,256 --> 00:14:32,975
Get--we can't get a divorce.
We're not even married.
366
00:14:33,009 --> 00:14:35,010
Oh, no.
367
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,764
I can't believe my first day of marriage
368
00:14:42,004 --> 00:14:44,088
is ending up on Roxanne's couch.
369
00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:47,975
Technically,
it's my bed, but whatever.
370
00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,677
[Knocks at door]
J.Crew?
371
00:14:49,711 --> 00:14:52,146
- Topshop?
- Shopbop?
372
00:14:52,181 --> 00:14:55,183
- It's Alex.
Both: Oh.
373
00:14:58,237 --> 00:14:59,637
- Hey.
- Hi.
374
00:14:59,655 --> 00:15:01,439
Mm, maybe we should
just wait in my bedroom.
375
00:15:01,473 --> 00:15:02,490
Oh, could I make a drink first?
376
00:15:02,524 --> 00:15:04,525
Oh, I keep drinks in there.
377
00:15:07,145 --> 00:15:08,913
You know, my parents have a rule.
378
00:15:08,947 --> 00:15:11,115
They never sleep apart
no matter how mad they are
379
00:15:11,149 --> 00:15:13,651
at each other, and they've
been together for 40 years.
380
00:15:13,669 --> 00:15:18,673
You've been together 40 years.
381
00:15:18,707 --> 00:15:20,791
Good one.
382
00:15:22,544 --> 00:15:24,462
Look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that,
383
00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:25,763
all right?
It wasn't cool.
384
00:15:25,797 --> 00:15:28,015
Oh, all right, really.
385
00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:30,218
Well, you know, my parents
have another rule.
386
00:15:30,269 --> 00:15:31,552
If my dad wants to sit on the couch
387
00:15:31,603 --> 00:15:34,605
and my mom doesn't let him,
then he sits on her.
388
00:15:37,025 --> 00:15:39,110
My dad sat on other women, too,
389
00:15:39,144 --> 00:15:42,346
and that's why my parents
got divorced.
390
00:15:42,364 --> 00:15:44,732
He showed up
with pillows to sleep here?
391
00:15:44,783 --> 00:15:47,869
Who is he? Me?
392
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,120
What about for her wedding gift,
393
00:15:49,154 --> 00:15:51,739
we get them some nice
monogrammed pillowcases?
394
00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:53,207
Oh, that's sweet,
395
00:15:53,242 --> 00:15:56,127
but Whitney doesn't like
monogrammed things.
396
00:15:56,161 --> 00:16:01,165
She's not entirely sure
what her initials are.
397
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,200
You didn't know that?
398
00:16:03,218 --> 00:16:05,636
No, I didn't.
399
00:16:05,671 --> 00:16:06,854
You know what?
400
00:16:06,889 --> 00:16:08,089
Why don't you just pick out
her presents,
401
00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:10,641
since you know her
so much better than I do?
402
00:16:10,676 --> 00:16:12,810
Wha--whoa, I never said that.
403
00:16:12,844 --> 00:16:15,396
Yeah, but you've been
implying it all day.
404
00:16:15,430 --> 00:16:17,765
- Roxanne--
- What? I mean, I get it.
405
00:16:17,816 --> 00:16:20,484
You two have been friends
longer, you know?
406
00:16:20,519 --> 00:16:23,721
I will never be as close
as you two are.
407
00:16:23,739 --> 00:16:26,223
- I can't afford a gift.
- What?
408
00:16:26,241 --> 00:16:28,409
The reason I've been
shooting down all your ideas
409
00:16:28,443 --> 00:16:31,362
is because I can't afford any of them.
410
00:16:31,396 --> 00:16:35,283
I'm just really broke right now,
and I already feel bad enough
411
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:36,784
that I've been mooching off you.
412
00:16:36,835 --> 00:16:38,920
No, Lily!
413
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:41,706
I stay here for free.
I eat all your food.
414
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:43,624
I've sold some of your clothes.
415
00:16:43,675 --> 00:16:44,792
You have?
416
00:16:44,843 --> 00:16:46,677
You have so many clothes in your closet
417
00:16:46,712 --> 00:16:50,247
- with the tags still on.
- I know.
418
00:16:50,265 --> 00:16:52,600
I don't even like them.
419
00:16:52,634 --> 00:16:56,637
I just buy them
so other people can't have them.
420
00:17:00,609 --> 00:17:03,260
I feel like that took a weird turn.
421
00:17:03,278 --> 00:17:06,063
Look...
422
00:17:06,097 --> 00:17:08,899
Lily, I like covering you,
423
00:17:08,933 --> 00:17:12,286
and I really like having someone here
424
00:17:12,321 --> 00:17:14,271
when I come home, you know?
425
00:17:14,289 --> 00:17:17,458
You're like a cat who talks.
426
00:17:17,492 --> 00:17:22,713
- You're like a dog.
- Ooh--yeah, mm.
427
00:17:22,748 --> 00:17:24,615
Look, I shouldn't have said
that we weren't married,
428
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:25,800
all right?
That was stupid,
429
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:28,469
but moving forward,
we're both gonna do
430
00:17:28,503 --> 00:17:29,887
stupid things every now and then,
431
00:17:29,921 --> 00:17:31,505
and every time we get into a fight,
432
00:17:31,556 --> 00:17:33,724
you can't just bolt.
[Groans]
433
00:17:33,759 --> 00:17:37,144
I only did it twice today.
434
00:17:37,179 --> 00:17:38,980
Whit, you don't have
to run away, all right?
435
00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:40,731
You're safe.
[Exhales]
436
00:17:40,766 --> 00:17:44,235
You're crushing me.
437
00:17:44,269 --> 00:17:45,987
I know that everyone who was supposed
438
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,971
to take care of you
in your life let you down,
439
00:17:47,990 --> 00:17:50,307
but now, I'm gonna take care of you
440
00:17:50,325 --> 00:17:51,359
and you're gonna let me.
441
00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:53,861
- Oh, am I?
- Yeah.
442
00:17:53,912 --> 00:17:55,913
And you're gonna let me
do things, all right?
443
00:17:55,947 --> 00:17:57,147
I'm gonna reach for the bowls
444
00:17:57,165 --> 00:17:58,783
and I'm gonna move the heavy things,
445
00:17:58,817 --> 00:18:03,070
and you're gonna let me
talk to the cops.
446
00:18:04,506 --> 00:18:07,157
And, you know, every now
and then, when something
447
00:18:07,175 --> 00:18:09,994
goes wrong, I'm gonna
take care of you, all right?
448
00:18:10,028 --> 00:18:12,663
Because you need me.
[Groans]
449
00:18:12,698 --> 00:18:15,466
That makes me sick.
450
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,101
Well, at least I'm not the only one
451
00:18:17,135 --> 00:18:20,021
with a physical reaction
to you needing me.
452
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:21,856
Okay, I do not need you.
453
00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:23,841
Yeah, you do, all right?
You left your wallet at home,
454
00:18:23,859 --> 00:18:25,726
and I have it, so technically,
you do need me.
455
00:18:25,777 --> 00:18:28,646
Fine, keep it.
It's full of your money.
456
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:31,916
Hey, Whit.
I got you.
457
00:18:33,869 --> 00:18:36,186
I hate you.
458
00:18:36,204 --> 00:18:39,390
No, you love me.
459
00:18:39,424 --> 00:18:41,108
[Groans] I do.
460
00:18:41,143 --> 00:18:42,660
And whenever you forget that you do,
461
00:18:42,694 --> 00:18:45,696
just look at your tattoo.
462
00:18:47,966 --> 00:18:49,550
I know that I'm a mess sometimes,
463
00:18:49,584 --> 00:18:52,720
but I got you, too.
464
00:18:52,754 --> 00:18:54,705
Well, that means that we got this.
465
00:18:54,723 --> 00:18:57,541
[Laughs] Yeah.
466
00:18:57,559 --> 00:18:59,560
We got this.
467
00:19:02,764 --> 00:19:04,231
[Groans]
468
00:19:04,266 --> 00:19:07,151
Can we say tomorrow's
our first day of marriage?
469
00:19:07,185 --> 00:19:08,552
I feel like we kinda bombed this.
470
00:19:08,570 --> 00:19:12,273
[Laughs]
471
00:19:12,324 --> 00:19:13,657
I don't know.
Maybe it was so rough
472
00:19:13,692 --> 00:19:18,329
because, you know,
we didn't, like, say vows.
473
00:19:18,363 --> 00:19:21,532
You didn't promise me anything.
474
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,237
Okay.
Let's do some vows.
475
00:19:27,255 --> 00:19:30,925
- Let's vow it up.
- Yeah?
476
00:19:30,959 --> 00:19:32,910
- Bring it in.
- All right.
477
00:19:32,928 --> 00:19:35,629
I, Whitney,
478
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,638
promise to have
479
00:19:37,758 --> 00:19:40,065
and to hug.
480
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,905
And you promise to let me
take care of you
481
00:19:44,956 --> 00:19:48,158
and just generally calm down.
482
00:19:48,192 --> 00:19:49,493
[Laughs]
483
00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:54,798
And you promise to let me
throw out your crocs.
484
00:19:54,832 --> 00:19:59,336
In sickness and in health.
485
00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:04,874
For richer or for poorer.
486
00:20:04,893 --> 00:20:10,063
Until your "accidental" death...
487
00:20:11,399 --> 00:20:13,400
do us part.
488
00:20:13,434 --> 00:20:14,878
Play ball!
489
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,550
Getting you guys
a wedding gift wasn't easy
490
00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:22,053
because you didn't have a registry
491
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,672
and you're so weird,
492
00:20:24,674 --> 00:20:26,257
but here you go.
493
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:28,393
These should help you live
a long and happy life together.
494
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:31,679
Aw, his and hers
noise-cancelling headphones.
495
00:20:31,681 --> 00:20:32,814
Thank you, mark.
496
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:34,983
Yeah, I was gonna
get you a sound machine,
497
00:20:34,985 --> 00:20:36,518
but you are one.
498
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,636
And this is from me and Roxanne.
499
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:42,040
Aww!
500
00:20:42,042 --> 00:20:46,027
Oh, my God!
Us in college...
501
00:20:46,029 --> 00:20:51,399
With Roxanne photoshopped in
floating above us.
502
00:20:51,401 --> 00:20:53,601
You guys!
503
00:20:53,603 --> 00:20:54,886
I know we've only been friends
504
00:20:54,888 --> 00:20:57,722
with Roxanne for a couple years,
but it really does feel
505
00:20:57,842 --> 00:20:58,990
like we've all been friends forever.
506
00:20:58,992 --> 00:21:01,059
It does.
507
00:21:01,061 --> 00:21:03,202
Oh, oh, she's crying.
508
00:21:03,322 --> 00:21:04,929
I saw it.
509
00:21:05,579 --> 00:21:13,024
Sync & corrections by honeybunny & YesCool
www.addic7ed.com