1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,284
2020.
2
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,984
Uh... that's a stretch.
3
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,268
Fine. 2024.
4
00:00:06,269 --> 00:00:08,854
I win, we move in there.
5
00:00:09,355 --> 00:00:11,357
I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.
6
00:00:11,358 --> 00:00:13,042
You can be the first gentleman.
7
00:00:13,043 --> 00:00:15,311
Actually, that sounds kind of great.
8
00:00:15,312 --> 00:00:17,446
Thanks for coming with
me to get my stuff.
9
00:00:17,447 --> 00:00:18,881
How could I pass up an opportunity
10
00:00:18,882 --> 00:00:20,216
to look at our future house?
11
00:00:20,217 --> 00:00:22,151
Oh, just remembered.
12
00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:24,453
I kind of got you an engagement present.
13
00:00:24,704 --> 00:00:25,988
Is it a waffle tower?
14
00:00:25,989 --> 00:00:28,389
I mean, it's a little better than that.
15
00:00:32,494 --> 00:00:34,996
Claudia Welders.
16
00:00:34,997 --> 00:00:37,598
Uh, that--
how did--
17
00:00:37,599 --> 00:00:39,500
- How did you do this?
- Called in a few favors.
18
00:00:39,501 --> 00:00:40,902
Excuse me.
19
00:00:40,903 --> 00:00:42,703
A few hundred favors.
20
00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:44,071
Mr. Vice President.
21
00:00:44,072 --> 00:00:45,973
Ben Wyatt from congressman
Murray's office.
22
00:00:45,974 --> 00:00:47,941
Hey, Ben. Dave told me you
were gonna be coming by.
23
00:00:47,942 --> 00:00:49,176
And you must be Leslie Knope.
24
00:00:49,177 --> 00:00:52,346
Welcome. Welcome.
25
00:00:52,347 --> 00:00:56,016
You're--my name just
came out of your mouth.
26
00:00:56,017 --> 00:00:57,517
Well, yeah, it did.
27
00:00:57,518 --> 00:01:00,353
This isn't happening.
28
00:01:00,354 --> 00:01:02,088
This isn't real.
29
00:01:02,089 --> 00:01:03,256
No, it's happening,
30
00:01:03,257 --> 00:01:04,891
and I'm delighted to have you here.
31
00:01:04,892 --> 00:01:06,692
On behalf of the president and myself,
32
00:01:06,693 --> 00:01:07,894
- I wanted to-- - Oh,
Mr. Vice President,
33
00:01:07,895 --> 00:01:09,195
I am deeply flattered,
34
00:01:09,196 --> 00:01:10,629
but there's no way
that I could take over
35
00:01:10,630 --> 00:01:13,199
Madam Secretary Clinton's position.
36
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,134
- I mean-- -
I'm confident
37
00:01:15,135 --> 00:01:16,334
you could do that job
or any other, but--
38
00:01:16,335 --> 00:01:17,769
Okay, I will.
39
00:01:17,770 --> 00:01:20,272
Well, the reason you're here is I'm told
40
00:01:20,273 --> 00:01:21,472
you've done such a great job
41
00:01:21,973 --> 00:01:23,808
in your town and in
the state of Indiana,
42
00:01:23,809 --> 00:01:24,976
and I just want to say congratulations
43
00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:26,644
for your public service.
44
00:01:26,645 --> 00:01:28,646
And I just want to say thank you.
45
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:29,948
Well, you-- you're
very welcome.
46
00:01:29,949 --> 00:01:31,182
You're very welcome.
47
00:01:31,183 --> 00:01:33,884
Hey-- y-you're
very welcome.
48
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,320
- You're very handsome.
- I think we're all done.
49
00:01:36,321 --> 00:01:37,821
- Well, you're very nice.
- Okay. Thank you.
50
00:01:37,822 --> 00:01:39,290
Thank-- thank
you very much.
51
00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:40,357
Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.
52
00:01:40,358 --> 00:01:43,360
Well-- Oh,
well, you will?
53
00:01:43,361 --> 00:01:45,329
Thank you, Mr. Vice President.
54
00:01:45,330 --> 00:01:46,863
Y-you're welcome.
55
00:01:46,864 --> 00:01:49,198
You don't let anything happen
to him, you understand me?
56
00:01:49,699 --> 00:01:51,567
He is precious cargo.
57
00:02:11,754 --> 00:02:14,089
Yeah, it's actually the same
accounting firm I almost joined
58
00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:16,224
last year, and they
gave me a great package--
59
00:02:16,225 --> 00:02:19,127
Three weeks of vacation,
matching 401,
60
00:02:19,128 --> 00:02:21,862
and a pretty sweet windbreaker.
61
00:02:21,863 --> 00:02:23,364
- Wow.
- I'm getting married,
62
00:02:23,365 --> 00:02:25,899
and I wanted a good stable job,
63
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:28,936
so I'm going back to Accounting.
64
00:02:28,937 --> 00:02:31,973
So just call me Bond,
65
00:02:31,974 --> 00:02:35,776
municipal bond.
66
00:02:35,777 --> 00:02:38,678
Yeah, that joke killed
at the accounting firm.
67
00:02:38,679 --> 00:02:39,980
Well, well, well.
68
00:02:39,981 --> 00:02:42,248
If it isn't Mr. Looks
and Professor Books.
69
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:44,351
He's Looks. I got it.
70
00:02:44,352 --> 00:02:46,419
Of course you do,
Books. What's going on?
71
00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:49,356
Well, fun fact: Ben just got
an amazing accounting job.
72
00:02:49,357 --> 00:02:51,191
Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting.
73
00:02:51,192 --> 00:02:54,726
Un-fun fact: My uncle
just had a stroke.
74
00:02:55,828 --> 00:02:57,696
Well, I'm off.
75
00:02:57,697 --> 00:02:59,631
This is actually a crazy coincidence.
76
00:02:59,632 --> 00:03:01,367
I have a new company
77
00:03:01,368 --> 00:03:03,802
and could use your help
on the math side of things.
78
00:03:03,803 --> 00:03:06,038
- Oh, what's the new company?
- We specialize in making stacks
79
00:03:06,039 --> 00:03:07,539
on stacks on stacks on stacks.
80
00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:08,906
Right. Pass.
81
00:03:08,907 --> 00:03:10,141
I'm kidding.
82
00:03:10,142 --> 00:03:11,342
It's a real idea.
83
00:03:11,343 --> 00:03:12,943
So get
this--
84
00:03:12,944 --> 00:03:14,778
Kids are always growing
out of their clothes,
85
00:03:14,779 --> 00:03:15,913
so their parents don't
want to buy 'em nice things.
86
00:03:15,914 --> 00:03:17,982
I'm gonna rent my upscale clothing
87
00:03:17,983 --> 00:03:19,917
to middle school kids,
because I discovered
88
00:03:19,918 --> 00:03:22,987
I'm roughly the same size as
the average Pawnee 12-year-old.
89
00:03:22,988 --> 00:03:24,587
That's actually a really great idea.
90
00:03:24,588 --> 00:03:26,423
I know. Can you take a
look at the business plan,
91
00:03:26,424 --> 00:03:27,557
tell me what do you think?
92
00:03:27,558 --> 00:03:28,725
- Sure. Why not?
- Awesome.
93
00:03:28,726 --> 00:03:30,327
Washington, D.C. has
94
00:03:30,328 --> 00:03:32,996
more dog parks per
capita than most cities.
95
00:03:32,997 --> 00:03:35,399
Pawnee only has
two dog parks--
96
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,567
this one and that one,
97
00:03:37,568 --> 00:03:39,802
which is also an active parking lot.
98
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,238
Can you say "per capita" again?
99
00:03:42,239 --> 00:03:43,972
I want to take a picture
of you saying "per capita."
100
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,774
- Stop.
- I am so proud of you.
101
00:03:45,775 --> 00:03:47,776
Now stand next to the
screen and think about
102
00:03:47,777 --> 00:03:49,512
all the strong female
role models in your life.
103
00:03:49,513 --> 00:03:51,647
- Gross.
- April came to me
104
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:54,450
with an idea to build
a dog park in Pawnee.
105
00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:56,751
I recognized her
potential a long time ago,
106
00:03:56,752 --> 00:03:58,719
and she's finally living up to it.
107
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,455
I mean, I am so proud of her,
108
00:04:00,456 --> 00:04:02,890
I could cry.
109
00:04:02,891 --> 00:04:05,693
And... here we go.
110
00:04:05,694 --> 00:04:06,894
One tiny critique.
111
00:04:06,895 --> 00:04:08,530
If you do want to be taken seriously,
112
00:04:08,531 --> 00:04:09,697
you might want to think a little bit
113
00:04:09,698 --> 00:04:10,831
about how you present yourself.
114
00:04:10,832 --> 00:04:12,466
No, this is publicity
115
00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:14,435
for Orin's new performance art show.
116
00:04:14,436 --> 00:04:16,603
He's an animal living on a human farm.
117
00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:18,672
And you can go and feed
him from your own hand.
118
00:04:18,673 --> 00:04:20,006
Ugh, that's horrifying,
119
00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:21,175
and so is Orin.
120
00:04:21,176 --> 00:04:22,342
You should not be friends with him.
121
00:04:22,343 --> 00:04:23,877
So, after reviewing all the options,
122
00:04:23,878 --> 00:04:26,213
I found that the best
location for the dog park
123
00:04:26,214 --> 00:04:28,614
is Lot 48,
124
00:04:28,615 --> 00:04:29,982
the one behind Ann's house.
125
00:04:32,453 --> 00:04:35,188
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
126
00:04:35,189 --> 00:04:37,756
I've been trying to put a
park there for four years.
127
00:04:37,757 --> 00:04:40,025
See, the thing is,
April, that lot is mine.
128
00:04:40,026 --> 00:04:41,994
I've been doing slow, painstaking work
129
00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:44,563
so I don't want to whip
out the legalese on you now,
130
00:04:44,564 --> 00:04:45,630
but I got dibs.
131
00:04:45,631 --> 00:04:46,965
What we are gonna do
132
00:04:46,966 --> 00:04:48,200
is we're gonna take your enthusiasm,
133
00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:49,568
we're gonna bundle it up,
134
00:04:49,569 --> 00:04:50,768
and we're gonna find a
new place for a dog park.
135
00:04:50,769 --> 00:04:51,869
Doesn't that sound fun?
136
00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:54,473
One, two, three, cheese. Good girl.
137
00:04:54,474 --> 00:04:56,108
Good morning, Andy.
138
00:04:58,877 --> 00:05:04,215
Okay, something is
different about my computer.
139
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:06,383
Aha. It's gone.
140
00:05:08,884 --> 00:05:11,688
A game is the foot.
141
00:05:11,689 --> 00:05:13,924
See, part of the police
academy entrance exam
142
00:05:13,925 --> 00:05:16,392
is investigating a crime.
143
00:05:16,393 --> 00:05:18,394
So about a month ago I
told everyone in the office
144
00:05:18,395 --> 00:05:20,296
that, at some point, they
should steal something
145
00:05:20,297 --> 00:05:21,964
from my desk so I could practice.
146
00:05:22,465 --> 00:05:23,933
Let's do this.
147
00:05:24,934 --> 00:05:28,304
Wait, hey, did you guys
take my glasses too?
148
00:05:28,305 --> 00:05:30,306
They got my sunglasses too.
149
00:05:30,307 --> 00:05:32,941
I was in Miami last weekend.
150
00:05:32,942 --> 00:05:34,409
I took my talents to South Beach.
151
00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:36,378
How do you spend your time in Miami?
152
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:37,946
Maybe fencing stolen computers?
153
00:05:37,947 --> 00:05:40,382
Yes, I took your government computer
154
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:43,852
from Indiana to Miami
155
00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:45,720
to sell it on the black market
156
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,189
for 150 bucks.
157
00:05:47,190 --> 00:05:50,525
Ha-ha, you don't know it, but
you just gave yourself away.
158
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,127
Gotta say, I'm impressed.
159
00:05:53,528 --> 00:05:55,530
Your mission statement made sense,
160
00:05:55,531 --> 00:05:58,065
and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.
161
00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,534
Yes.
162
00:05:59,535 --> 00:06:01,302
So you want to be my CFO?
163
00:06:01,303 --> 00:06:02,570
Well, I already have a job,
164
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:03,837
but I'll help as a friend.
165
00:06:03,838 --> 00:06:06,640
As long as you take
what I say seriously.
166
00:06:06,641 --> 00:06:09,676
I don't want another
Entertainment 720 disaster
167
00:06:09,677 --> 00:06:10,843
on our hands.
168
00:06:10,844 --> 00:06:11,944
Yeah, it was a disaster.
169
00:06:11,945 --> 00:06:13,513
Too bad we didn't see it coming.
170
00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:15,482
All right, what's my first move?
171
00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:17,750
You know, I think any of
the four previous locations
172
00:06:17,751 --> 00:06:19,919
would work, but there's
something about this place.
173
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,521
It just has a really good energy here,
174
00:06:22,522 --> 00:06:24,890
you know? lots of natural light.
175
00:06:24,891 --> 00:06:26,758
It's tiny and awful and loud.
176
00:06:26,759 --> 00:06:30,596
And it's zone 14B, industrial
waste clean-up site.
177
00:06:30,597 --> 00:06:32,531
We should technically be
wearing Hazmat suits right now.
178
00:06:32,532 --> 00:06:35,167
It seems like the kind of
place a ska band would go
179
00:06:35,168 --> 00:06:36,534
to shoot heroin.
180
00:06:36,535 --> 00:06:39,003
Come on, guys, this is a
great place for a dog park.
181
00:06:39,004 --> 00:06:41,673
I mean, look, there's
already a dog here.
182
00:06:41,674 --> 00:06:43,774
Oh, my God. I had that exact doll
183
00:06:43,775 --> 00:06:44,942
when I was a kid.
184
00:06:44,943 --> 00:06:46,877
This is-- this is
traumatic for me.
185
00:06:46,878 --> 00:06:49,581
Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48
is the only one that works.
186
00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:50,682
And I'm definitely bringing it up
187
00:06:50,683 --> 00:06:52,216
at the next city council meeting.
188
00:06:52,217 --> 00:06:53,584
April, please, I beg of you,
189
00:06:53,585 --> 00:06:55,419
I will do anything to
keep you from doing that.
190
00:06:55,420 --> 00:06:56,753
Okay. Saw off your pinky toe.
191
00:06:56,754 --> 00:06:58,188
- No.
- Shave your head.
192
00:06:58,189 --> 00:06:59,756
- No.
- Have sex with Jerry.
193
00:06:59,757 --> 00:07:01,024
No.
194
00:07:01,025 --> 00:07:02,593
Well, I tried to be reasonable.
195
00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:04,294
I have created a monster.
196
00:07:04,295 --> 00:07:06,730
And now I need to destroy her.
197
00:07:06,731 --> 00:07:08,231
What do I do, Joe?
198
00:07:08,232 --> 00:07:10,099
Well, Leslie,
199
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:12,200
look into my eyes, take a deep breath,
200
00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:14,203
and everything will be fine.
201
00:07:14,204 --> 00:07:15,904
Thanks, Joe.
202
00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:18,073
God, he's good.
203
00:07:19,596 --> 00:07:21,930
Ron, thank you for agreeing to see me.
204
00:07:22,096 --> 00:07:23,930
I didn't. You just walked
in here and started talking.
205
00:07:23,931 --> 00:07:25,198
I don't have time for a history lesson.
206
00:07:25,199 --> 00:07:29,102
Look, I am trying to
remove parking meters,
207
00:07:29,103 --> 00:07:32,138
and there is a guy in Public Works
208
00:07:32,139 --> 00:07:33,574
who's being a real thorn about it.
209
00:07:33,575 --> 00:07:36,309
- Which guy?
- Ricky Jordache.
210
00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:37,744
Never heard of him. What's his deal?
211
00:07:37,745 --> 00:07:39,679
He's new. He used to be a slacker,
212
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,848
but now he's realizing
his full potential,
213
00:07:41,849 --> 00:07:43,015
but at what cost?
214
00:07:43,016 --> 00:07:44,650
He's smart, and he's beautiful,
215
00:07:44,651 --> 00:07:46,352
and I think of him in
many ways as a daughter,
216
00:07:46,353 --> 00:07:47,953
but that would be
crazy 'cause he's a man
217
00:07:47,954 --> 00:07:49,389
and his name's Ricky.
218
00:07:49,390 --> 00:07:50,456
Here's my question.
219
00:07:50,457 --> 00:07:52,691
How did you used to slow me down
220
00:07:52,692 --> 00:07:55,093
when I was becoming too me-ish?
221
00:07:55,094 --> 00:07:56,661
Sometimes I'd just give you busy work.
222
00:07:56,662 --> 00:07:59,197
I once had you put together a brochure
223
00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:01,933
about different kinds
of Indiana topsoil.
224
00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:04,035
That soil brochure was not busy work.
225
00:08:04,036 --> 00:08:07,038
I mean, people still refer
to Mulch Ado About Nothing.
226
00:08:07,039 --> 00:08:09,874
And if you were particularly
amped up about a project,
227
00:08:09,875 --> 00:08:13,444
I'd take you to JJ's and
distract you with waffles.
228
00:08:13,445 --> 00:08:14,879
Those were distraction waffles?
229
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,547
I thought they were friendship waffles.
230
00:08:16,548 --> 00:08:19,617
Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
231
00:08:19,618 --> 00:08:21,952
But what if this person,
this Ricky, who is real,
232
00:08:21,953 --> 00:08:23,454
doesn't like waffles
233
00:08:23,455 --> 00:08:24,888
or anything.
234
00:08:24,889 --> 00:08:27,557
Everybody has something
they're passionate about.
235
00:08:27,558 --> 00:08:30,593
Just figure out what it is,
express an interest in it,
236
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,228
and divert his attention.
237
00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:40,202
Howdy, neighbors.
238
00:08:40,203 --> 00:08:41,703
Welcome to human farm.
239
00:08:42,454 --> 00:08:46,108
Here's your animal feed.
Please don't feed the animals.
240
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:51,314
Wow, this is really, really cool.
241
00:08:51,315 --> 00:08:54,050
I like the statement it's making
242
00:08:54,051 --> 00:08:57,485
that, you know, we're
all in cages in a way.
243
00:08:57,486 --> 00:09:00,221
Yeah, it's actually
about death and the city.
244
00:09:00,222 --> 00:09:02,424
Yeah. I see that now.
245
00:09:02,425 --> 00:09:05,260
Hi, Orin.
246
00:09:05,261 --> 00:09:07,628
Ms. Wicks, if you've read our proposal,
247
00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:09,664
you'll see that an
alliance between Rent-A-Swag
248
00:09:09,665 --> 00:09:12,567
and Sweetums could be
mutually beneficial.
249
00:09:12,568 --> 00:09:15,569
Well, I must say it's a much better idea
250
00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:17,604
than the last one you had,
251
00:09:17,605 --> 00:09:19,573
that gourmet French food thing.
252
00:09:19,874 --> 00:09:22,709
Oh, my escargot delivery
service, Snail Mail.
253
00:09:23,210 --> 00:09:25,012
So you want to partner
up and make history?
254
00:09:25,013 --> 00:09:27,047
I mean, you've already made history
255
00:09:27,048 --> 00:09:28,949
as the world's most beautiful CEO.
256
00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:30,749
I'm really sorry, cutie.
257
00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:32,452
The company's laying low right now
258
00:09:32,453 --> 00:09:35,054
due to a small mishap.
259
00:09:35,055 --> 00:09:36,522
Ah, yes.
260
00:09:36,523 --> 00:09:39,459
The Sweetums molasses
storage vat exploded,
261
00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:42,228
resulting in a slow-moving
ecological disaster.
262
00:09:42,229 --> 00:09:44,230
Well, all press is good press.
263
00:09:44,231 --> 00:09:46,298
No, this was bad press.
264
00:09:46,299 --> 00:09:49,468
A lot of homes were
very gradually flooded.
265
00:09:49,469 --> 00:09:52,104
People died.
266
00:09:52,605 --> 00:09:54,272
Actually, speaking of,
267
00:09:54,273 --> 00:09:56,541
we're starting up a
non-profit foundation
268
00:09:56,542 --> 00:09:58,043
to restore our name.
269
00:09:58,044 --> 00:10:00,012
Any interest in running it?
270
00:10:00,013 --> 00:10:03,881
Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, you want
me to run your non-profit wing?
271
00:10:03,882 --> 00:10:06,183
I know that Bobby Newport is my stepson,
272
00:10:06,584 --> 00:10:10,621
but the work you did on
Leslie's campaign was amazing.
273
00:10:11,122 --> 00:10:12,423
Your name is on our short list.
274
00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:13,957
Just to clarify,
275
00:10:14,458 --> 00:10:17,193
it's a no to me on all fronts,
276
00:10:17,194 --> 00:10:18,761
and you're offering Ben a job?
277
00:10:18,762 --> 00:10:21,564
- Yeah.
- Cool. Cool.
278
00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:24,600
Been looking at your file all day,
279
00:10:24,601 --> 00:10:27,504
Jerry-- if that even
is your real name.
280
00:10:27,505 --> 00:10:29,839
It's not. My real name is Gary.
281
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,409
Well, Gary--if that
even is your real name--
282
00:10:33,410 --> 00:10:36,645
Somebody stole my computer.
Now, if you're a criminal,
283
00:10:36,646 --> 00:10:38,247
look at me,
284
00:10:38,248 --> 00:10:40,549
you have to tell me legally,
285
00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:43,185
or else it's considered entrapment.
286
00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:45,854
I'm sorry, Andy. It wasn't me.
287
00:10:45,855 --> 00:10:47,423
Oh, man, really?
288
00:10:47,424 --> 00:10:48,757
- No.
- Okay.
289
00:10:49,258 --> 00:10:51,559
Okay, so we know it's not Jerry,
290
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,661
unless he was lying to me.
291
00:10:53,662 --> 00:10:56,764
I can never tell when
people are lying to me.
292
00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:59,500
Hopefully that doesn't
come up in my police work.
293
00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:01,969
I think we should do
more stuff like this.
294
00:11:01,970 --> 00:11:04,439
You know, I think Pawnee
needs an amazing arts program.
295
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,639
Maybe you should just drop
everything and coordinate it.
296
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:07,807
I'm not stupid.
297
00:11:07,808 --> 00:11:09,609
What is that supposed to mean?
298
00:11:09,610 --> 00:11:11,478
It means that the only
reason you brought me here
299
00:11:11,479 --> 00:11:13,280
is to distract me from the dog park.
300
00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:15,382
- You hate this show.
- I love this show.
301
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,484
- What's your favorite
part? - The heavy-handedness.
302
00:11:18,686 --> 00:11:20,019
You know what, I have to go talk
303
00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:21,253
to Councilman Jamm right now.
304
00:11:21,254 --> 00:11:22,821
Why are you talking to Councilman Jamm?
305
00:11:22,822 --> 00:11:24,323
Because I told him
about the dog park idea,
306
00:11:24,324 --> 00:11:26,258
and he loves it. He
thinks it's a great idea.
307
00:11:26,259 --> 00:11:27,826
He's gonna support my motion
308
00:11:27,827 --> 00:11:29,395
at the city council meeting tomorrow,
309
00:11:29,396 --> 00:11:31,564
and he gave me a really
cool dental mirror
310
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:32,898
to check out my molars.
311
00:11:32,899 --> 00:11:35,134
Our dispute aside, you
should be careful with Jamm.
312
00:11:35,135 --> 00:11:36,969
He's a snake, I'm telling you.
313
00:11:36,970 --> 00:11:40,438
Yeah, like I should trust you
out of all people right now.
314
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:42,507
Moo.
315
00:11:43,008 --> 00:11:44,976
- Moo.
- Quiet, weirdo.
316
00:11:44,977 --> 00:11:46,478
Aren't you supposed to be a sheep?
317
00:11:46,479 --> 00:11:49,114
No. You are.
318
00:11:49,115 --> 00:11:51,015
Oh, shut up.
319
00:11:51,516 --> 00:11:53,984
Tom would make a great
profile for your show.
320
00:11:53,985 --> 00:11:55,752
I mean, this is a guy who's learned
321
00:11:55,753 --> 00:12:00,023
through an unbelievable series
of bonehead business moves.
322
00:12:00,024 --> 00:12:01,891
Not to mention in the last month alone
323
00:12:01,892 --> 00:12:03,293
three people have confused me
324
00:12:03,294 --> 00:12:05,829
for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.
325
00:12:05,830 --> 00:12:07,697
It's interesting, but
I think I need to wait
326
00:12:07,698 --> 00:12:09,132
until the business has been around
327
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:12,502
for a few months, make sure it's viable.
328
00:12:12,503 --> 00:12:14,737
You're the guy who ran
the congressional campaign
329
00:12:14,738 --> 00:12:16,405
- in Washington, right?
- Yeah.
330
00:12:16,406 --> 00:12:17,607
What, are you gonna offer him a job?
331
00:12:18,108 --> 00:12:20,009
Yes. We're launching
332
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:22,512
a new political chat show,
and we need correspondents.
333
00:12:22,513 --> 00:12:23,879
Oh, well, thank you,
334
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,481
but I'm a little shaky on live TV.
335
00:12:26,482 --> 00:12:29,050
That's okay. People want authenticity.
336
00:12:29,051 --> 00:12:30,885
- Think about it?
- Didn't you hear him?
337
00:12:30,886 --> 00:12:32,053
He stinks on TV.
338
00:12:32,054 --> 00:12:33,455
He sweats. He stutters.
339
00:12:33,456 --> 00:12:34,956
It's like The King's Speech,
340
00:12:34,957 --> 00:12:36,391
but the first part, before he's fixed.
341
00:12:36,392 --> 00:12:38,560
That was my favorite part of the movie.
342
00:12:38,561 --> 00:12:40,428
What is happening?
343
00:12:40,829 --> 00:12:42,062
Chris Traeger.
344
00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:43,564
Yup. Hi, Andy.
345
00:12:43,965 --> 00:12:45,098
I know you did it.
346
00:12:45,099 --> 00:12:48,235
Did what?
347
00:12:48,236 --> 00:12:50,704
Don't play stupid and handsome with me.
348
00:12:50,705 --> 00:12:53,641
You stole my computer
so that I could practice
349
00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:56,009
for my police exam.
350
00:12:56,010 --> 00:12:57,877
You're as guilty as you are sexy.
351
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,046
Andy, another computer
was reported stolen
352
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,648
from the offices on the other side
353
00:13:01,649 --> 00:13:02,982
of the courtyard.
354
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,116
I don't think
355
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,652
this is part of your police training.
356
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,853
I think City Hall was robbed.
357
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:09,422
I can't tell if you're lying to me.
358
00:13:09,423 --> 00:13:10,923
- Really?
- I think.
359
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,059
Like a real crime? That's even better.
360
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:14,859
Next order of business:
361
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,861
It's agenda item 280B,
362
00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:19,764
a motion to construct a dog park
363
00:13:19,765 --> 00:13:21,533
on municipal lot 48.
364
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:24,135
Ms. Ludgate, you have the floor.
365
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,604
Thank you, Councilman Jamm.
366
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,106
Your help and general non-awfulness
367
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:29,574
is much appreciated.
368
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:32,076
Leslie, members of the Council,
369
00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:35,613
I believe that municipal
lot 48 should be a dog park.
370
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:37,248
Boo. Boo.
371
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,850
Well, it sounds like there's
considerable opposition to this,
372
00:13:39,851 --> 00:13:41,118
so I'm sorry, Ms. Ludgate,
373
00:13:41,119 --> 00:13:42,553
you should go now.
374
00:13:42,554 --> 00:13:44,222
Really? I just heard one hag booing.
375
00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:47,457
Ladies, please, let's keep this civil.
376
00:13:47,458 --> 00:13:49,959
Councilman, Pawneeans,
377
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,562
satisfied customers
of Jamm Orthodontics,
378
00:13:52,563 --> 00:13:56,266
as we discuss what type
of park to put on lot 48,
379
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:58,000
I had a thought.
380
00:13:58,751 --> 00:13:59,802
How about no park?
381
00:14:00,303 --> 00:14:02,438
Who here thinks parks are stupid?
382
00:14:02,439 --> 00:14:04,773
Let the record show that
everyone is raising their hands.
383
00:14:04,774 --> 00:14:08,377
I happen to know for a
fact that Pawnee's favorite
384
00:14:08,378 --> 00:14:11,313
fast food restaurant, Paunch
Burger, needs a new location.
385
00:14:11,314 --> 00:14:13,782
Now, seeing as how the
future of lot 48 is open
386
00:14:13,783 --> 00:14:16,585
for debate, I move we
sell it to Paunch Burger
387
00:14:16,586 --> 00:14:18,519
for a nice profit.
388
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:22,923
You don't even have to be
Asian to do math that simple.
389
00:14:22,924 --> 00:14:24,592
You told me you wanted a dog park.
390
00:14:24,593 --> 00:14:26,427
Uh, psych.
391
00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:28,463
That's not fair. You lied to me.
392
00:14:28,964 --> 00:14:30,331
You just got jammed.
393
00:14:30,832 --> 00:14:32,133
I hate when he says that.
394
00:14:33,483 --> 00:14:35,284
I told you that Jamm was a snake.
395
00:14:35,347 --> 00:14:36,681
Well, it takes a snake to know a snake.
396
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,466
- So now I'm a snake?
- Yes.
397
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:40,535
You deceived me for two straight days,
398
00:14:40,536 --> 00:14:42,137
and you eat mice.
399
00:14:42,138 --> 00:14:43,471
- I don't eat mice.
- Yes, you do.
400
00:14:43,472 --> 00:14:44,673
You're a mouse eater. Mouse eater.
401
00:14:44,674 --> 00:14:46,008
- Mouse eater.
- Enough!
402
00:14:46,009 --> 00:14:48,009
You are friends and coworkers.
403
00:14:48,510 --> 00:14:51,345
In this office, we treat
each other with respect.
404
00:14:51,346 --> 00:14:53,681
Hey, April, how is that dog park coming?
405
00:14:53,682 --> 00:14:55,983
- Get out, Jerry.
- This is private!
406
00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:58,286
Sorry, guys.
407
00:14:58,287 --> 00:15:00,221
We are not leaving here
until you two figure this out.
408
00:15:00,222 --> 00:15:01,889
Ron, guard the door.
409
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:03,023
Yes, sir.
410
00:15:04,024 --> 00:15:07,360
No one leaves the Octagon.
411
00:15:07,361 --> 00:15:08,561
I dated an ultimate fighter.
412
00:15:08,562 --> 00:15:10,630
It was like a thing he said.
413
00:15:11,531 --> 00:15:12,732
What's the play here, officer?
414
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:13,899
You gonna set up a perimeter,
415
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,635
maybe bug a few phones?
416
00:15:15,636 --> 00:15:16,736
Ooh, I know. We could put out
417
00:15:16,737 --> 00:15:17,804
a dummy computer for them to steal,
418
00:15:17,805 --> 00:15:19,372
fill it with explosives first,
419
00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:22,007
Boom, take 'em all out.
420
00:15:22,808 --> 00:15:24,310
Yeah, we're not doing any of that.
421
00:15:24,311 --> 00:15:26,411
Andy, I love your enthusiasm,
but we don't really have
422
00:15:26,412 --> 00:15:28,680
the kind of money to launch
a massive investigation.
423
00:15:29,681 --> 00:15:32,016
You're just gonna fill
out this stupid report
424
00:15:32,017 --> 00:15:33,084
and that's it?
425
00:15:33,085 --> 00:15:34,185
As a future cop, you have to understand,
426
00:15:34,186 --> 00:15:35,520
I cannot let this guy go.
427
00:15:35,521 --> 00:15:38,824
Look, man, this is what
most police work is.
428
00:15:39,275 --> 00:15:41,375
Just writing stuff down.
429
00:15:41,376 --> 00:15:43,844
It's not superhero time.
430
00:15:43,845 --> 00:15:45,612
If it sounds boring,
431
00:15:45,613 --> 00:15:47,347
maybe you ought to do something else.
432
00:15:49,117 --> 00:15:51,285
Maybe we should find the person
433
00:15:51,286 --> 00:15:54,454
who stole his positive attitude.
434
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,190
Hey, man.
435
00:15:56,191 --> 00:15:58,324
Hey, man. Get any more job offers
436
00:15:58,325 --> 00:15:59,792
since I last saw you?
437
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:02,028
Yeah, but it was just
a management position
438
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:03,029
at Urban Outfitters.
439
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,330
I turned it down.
440
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,165
I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.
441
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,666
Maybe I should take a cue from you
442
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,735
and stick with my boring day job.
443
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:12,671
Well, my accounting job isn't boring.
444
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,905
If it was remotely interesting,
445
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,173
there would be a show on A&E about it.
446
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:17,175
They have a show about
storage unit auctions.
447
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:19,077
Fair point.
448
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:20,979
Look, if you're passionate about this,
449
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,747
keep at it. Things will turn around.
450
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,983
Also can you tell me what time
451
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,452
that show about storage units is on?
452
00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:29,454
9:30.
453
00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:32,006
All right, I'm
gonna have to force this.
454
00:16:32,007 --> 00:16:34,074
Leslie, maybe you want to admit
455
00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:35,710
that you haven't been
the greatest role model.
456
00:16:35,711 --> 00:16:37,177
I don't care. Orin's my role model.
457
00:16:37,178 --> 00:16:39,079
April, maybe you want to admit
458
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,381
that you've been a little selfish
459
00:16:40,382 --> 00:16:42,250
and inconsiderate.
460
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,485
Look, all I ever wanted was
for you to show the enthusiasm
461
00:16:45,486 --> 00:16:47,754
you showed for your dog
park, and, when you did,
462
00:16:47,755 --> 00:16:49,656
I blew it.
463
00:16:49,657 --> 00:16:51,224
- And I'm sorry.
- Fine.
464
00:16:51,225 --> 00:16:54,093
I'm sorry that I outsmarted
you at every turn.
465
00:16:54,094 --> 00:16:57,130
- April.
- And I know I have a lot
466
00:16:57,131 --> 00:16:59,332
to learn from you, and I'm sorry
467
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:01,467
that I disrespected your stupid dream.
468
00:17:01,468 --> 00:17:04,369
A lot of love in this room.
469
00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:07,440
- I'm very, very sorry.
- Me too.
470
00:17:07,891 --> 00:17:10,125
- I love you very much.
- I love you too.
471
00:17:10,126 --> 00:17:11,393
I don't want to do this in front of her.
472
00:17:11,394 --> 00:17:13,228
- Okay.
- Okay, Ann,
473
00:17:13,229 --> 00:17:14,947
since you're such a
genius, what do we do now?
474
00:17:14,948 --> 00:17:16,649
Neither of you want
Jamm to win, nor do I,
475
00:17:16,650 --> 00:17:18,316
because I hate Paunch Burger,
476
00:17:18,317 --> 00:17:20,151
but, if there is one in my
backyard, I will eat there,
477
00:17:20,152 --> 00:17:22,687
like, every night, and that is no good.
478
00:17:22,688 --> 00:17:24,889
So I say we stop playing
dirty with each other,
479
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:26,858
and we start playing dirty with Jamm.
480
00:17:26,859 --> 00:17:28,793
Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.
481
00:17:28,794 --> 00:17:30,862
No. I have an idea. It's very uncool,
482
00:17:30,863 --> 00:17:32,597
but it's not illegal, technically,
483
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:34,832
but it is a dick move.
484
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:35,833
I love it.
485
00:17:35,834 --> 00:17:37,334
Hey, Captain.
486
00:17:37,335 --> 00:17:38,635
Status update:
487
00:17:38,636 --> 00:17:41,638
My new suspect--the dude
who runs Carpet Emporium.
488
00:17:41,639 --> 00:17:42,940
The way I figure it is,
489
00:17:42,941 --> 00:17:45,776
criminals love to
wrap things up in rugs.
490
00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:48,946
Plus, he yelled at me when I
tried to unroll 'em all, so...
491
00:17:48,947 --> 00:17:50,412
Andy, while I appreciate your dedication
492
00:17:50,413 --> 00:17:51,714
to finding this criminal,
493
00:17:51,715 --> 00:17:53,549
I think you might want
to take into account
494
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:54,550
what the policeman said.
495
00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:55,852
I mean, gosh,
496
00:17:55,853 --> 00:17:59,622
if I can't even investigate bad guys,
497
00:17:59,623 --> 00:18:02,024
why become a cop at all?
498
00:18:02,025 --> 00:18:03,459
What are you doing?
499
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:04,660
When I get bummed out,
I take my shirt off
500
00:18:04,661 --> 00:18:06,795
because the bad feelings
make me feel sweaty.
501
00:18:08,297 --> 00:18:10,398
You know what, maybe I should bail
502
00:18:10,399 --> 00:18:11,800
on being a cop.
503
00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:15,470
City Hall needs a new
part-time security guard
504
00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:16,805
for the weekends.
505
00:18:16,806 --> 00:18:17,906
You want to do that?
506
00:18:17,907 --> 00:18:19,708
Look at it as a way to feel out
507
00:18:19,709 --> 00:18:20,909
whether you want to be a police officer.
508
00:18:20,910 --> 00:18:22,910
But, keep in mind, if you take this job,
509
00:18:22,911 --> 00:18:25,178
you must keep your
clothes on at all times,
510
00:18:25,179 --> 00:18:26,246
even if you get sad.
511
00:18:26,247 --> 00:18:28,983
No deal.
512
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,083
Okay, I'll do it.
513
00:18:30,084 --> 00:18:32,553
- That a boy.
- I'll do it. I promise.
514
00:18:32,554 --> 00:18:34,021
And I get a gun,
515
00:18:34,022 --> 00:18:35,723
and I can point it in people's faces.
516
00:18:35,724 --> 00:18:36,891
Incorrect.
517
00:18:40,192 --> 00:18:41,995
Hey. What the hell is going on?
518
00:18:42,296 --> 00:18:44,096
Oh, hello, Councilman.
519
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,725
The dogs are here because
there's no dog park
520
00:18:45,726 --> 00:18:48,260
in your neighborhood,
and the kids are here
521
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,895
because there's no
human park in your area.
522
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,731
They all needed a place to play.
523
00:18:51,732 --> 00:18:52,931
My front lawn?
524
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:53,931
That's right,
525
00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:55,066
and they're gonna keep using it
526
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,201
until there's an actual park nearby.
527
00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:59,070
Hey, hey, lady, get
that thing off my gnome.
528
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,172
He is dry-humping my garden gnome.
529
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:04,709
- Stupid beast.
- Councilman Jamm, we just need
530
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,444
a little bit more time
to design our park.
531
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:08,380
And, if you plow through and ignore us,
532
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,946
this is gonna be your life.
533
00:19:09,947 --> 00:19:11,882
I'll call the police.
534
00:19:11,883 --> 00:19:14,551
Yeah, sic the police on a
bunch of kids and puppies.
535
00:19:14,552 --> 00:19:17,688
- That's a great photo op.
- Fine.
536
00:19:18,039 --> 00:19:19,189
Gentleman's agreement.
537
00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:21,759
In 90 days, we'll put
our plans to a vote.
538
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,093
- Winner take all.
- Deal.
539
00:19:23,094 --> 00:19:25,128
Great, now call off the actual dogs.
540
00:19:25,129 --> 00:19:26,596
I want these kids off my lawn.
541
00:19:26,597 --> 00:19:28,531
I want that hula hoop off my 'Vette.
542
00:19:28,532 --> 00:19:31,601
Right now. Hey, Jamm.
543
00:19:31,602 --> 00:19:34,937
You just got knoped. And ludgated.
544
00:19:34,938 --> 00:19:37,206
- And perkinsed.
- Ha-ha.
545
00:19:37,207 --> 00:19:38,674
Nice try. It didn't work.
546
00:19:38,675 --> 00:19:40,877
You just got jammed.
547
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:44,446
Okay, so let's get to work.
548
00:19:44,447 --> 00:19:46,915
Wait, wait, wait, do you
never just take a second
549
00:19:46,916 --> 00:19:48,283
to enjoy things?
550
00:19:48,284 --> 00:19:49,384
I just said, "Let's get to work."
551
00:19:49,385 --> 00:19:51,019
How else do people enjoy things?
552
00:19:52,436 --> 00:19:55,535
I know you changed
your mind the last time
553
00:19:55,536 --> 00:19:56,802
we offered you a job,
554
00:19:56,803 --> 00:19:57,970
but we are just thrilled
555
00:19:57,971 --> 00:19:59,105
that you changed it again.
556
00:19:59,106 --> 00:20:00,139
Thank you. Me too.
557
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:02,341
This is our best office.
558
00:20:02,342 --> 00:20:04,343
As you can see through the window,
559
00:20:04,344 --> 00:20:06,845
you have a great view of
the billing department.
560
00:20:06,846 --> 00:20:09,948
- Hey, Sharon!
- Shh.
561
00:20:09,949 --> 00:20:11,650
Sorry. She's fun.
562
00:20:11,651 --> 00:20:12,883
So, please,
563
00:20:12,884 --> 00:20:14,952
if there's anything we can do
564
00:20:14,953 --> 00:20:16,654
to make you happier in your new job,
565
00:20:16,655 --> 00:20:18,055
just let me know.
566
00:20:18,056 --> 00:20:19,724
Oh, no, this is great, Barney.
567
00:20:19,725 --> 00:20:21,892
Thank you.
568
00:20:23,193 --> 00:20:25,397
But I have to quit
569
00:20:25,493 --> 00:20:26,697
again.
570
00:20:26,698 --> 00:20:29,899
What-- ohh! Is this
a classic Ben joke?
571
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,336
No. I'm really sorry.
572
00:20:32,337 --> 00:20:34,138
But I just don't want to do this.
573
00:20:34,139 --> 00:20:38,074
I need to move my life
in another direction.
574
00:20:38,075 --> 00:20:41,411
This is disappointing. Again.
575
00:20:41,912 --> 00:20:44,480
Maybe someday we'll figure
out the magic formula
576
00:20:44,481 --> 00:20:46,482
that gets you to work here.
577
00:20:46,483 --> 00:20:50,085
Well, formulas are
my formula for moolah.
578
00:20:51,721 --> 00:20:54,457
Ted, get in here!
579
00:20:54,458 --> 00:20:58,427
Ben's quitting again, but
you gotta hear what he said.
580
00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:00,163
Leslie's been saying for
weeks I should do something
581
00:21:00,164 --> 00:21:02,631
I love, and she's right.
582
00:21:02,632 --> 00:21:05,701
And I'll help Tom or maybe
try to do that TV thing
583
00:21:05,702 --> 00:21:08,403
or maybe work for the
Sweetums foundation.
584
00:21:08,404 --> 00:21:09,805
I don't know. Life is short.
585
00:21:09,806 --> 00:21:11,674
Why be an accountant, you know?
586
00:21:11,675 --> 00:21:14,743
I mean, other than the
stability and the health plan
587
00:21:14,744 --> 00:21:16,911
and the above-average pay.
588
00:21:19,114 --> 00:21:21,515
Oh, God, this better work out.