1
00:00:09,736 --> 00:00:11,303
(exclaiming)
2
00:00:20,447 --> 00:00:21,714
(Barney belches)
3
00:00:21,748 --> 00:00:23,716
(whistle blows)
4
00:00:23,750 --> 00:00:25,751
(yells)
5
00:00:29,956 --> 00:00:31,290
(beeping)
6
00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:38,563
(playing the blues)
7
00:00:39,666 --> 00:00:43,251
(playing the blues)
8
00:00:43,286 --> 00:00:45,270
(tires screeching)
9
00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:47,389
D'oh!
10
00:00:47,423 --> 00:00:48,457
(tires screeching)
11
00:00:48,491 --> 00:00:50,125
(grunts)
12
00:00:54,414 --> 00:00:56,014
(chuckles)
13
00:00:56,039 --> 00:01:00,039
♪ The Simpsons 24x05 ♪
Penny-Wiseguys
Original Air Date on November 18, 2012
14
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:04,740
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
15
00:01:04,991 --> 00:01:06,258
Diddily...
16
00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:08,593
diddily, diddily, diddily...
17
00:01:08,628 --> 00:01:11,396
Asterisk, pound sign,
at sign, exclamation point!
18
00:01:11,431 --> 00:01:13,098
Don't worry,
the Holy Rollers
19
00:01:13,132 --> 00:01:15,617
are still up by one
on the Pin Pals.
20
00:01:15,635 --> 00:01:17,002
MOE: Gentlemen,
prepare to meet
21
00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:18,837
your various makers, there.
22
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:23,508
'Cause we got one last frame by
our new anchorman, Dan Gillick.
23
00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:25,243
Thank God Otto had
that psychotic break
24
00:01:25,278 --> 00:01:26,511
and quit the team.
25
00:01:26,546 --> 00:01:28,480
Is this the
Bridge to Terabithia?
26
00:01:28,514 --> 00:01:30,499
(thud)
It's beautiful.
27
00:01:30,533 --> 00:01:33,018
Le jours ou mon frisbee a atterrie dans votre jardin
28
00:01:33,069 --> 00:01:35,187
fût le jours le plus heureux de ma vie
29
00:01:35,221 --> 00:01:36,922
And when you threw
your son after it,
30
00:01:36,956 --> 00:01:38,190
I enjoyed meeting him, too.
31
00:01:38,224 --> 00:01:39,291
He's a good boy.
32
00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:50,135
(phone rings)
33
00:01:50,169 --> 00:01:52,020
(groans)
34
00:01:52,055 --> 00:01:54,289
Sorry, guys.
Emergency meeting at work.
35
00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,858
Oh, please, I am missing eight
birthday parties for this!
36
00:01:56,893 --> 00:01:58,043
Just granny-throw it!
37
00:01:58,077 --> 00:02:00,012
Keep my ball.
38
00:02:00,046 --> 00:02:02,531
Well, looks like
the faithful have defeated
39
00:02:02,565 --> 00:02:05,367
a hedonist,
a Hindu and a...
40
00:02:05,401 --> 00:02:06,073
What are you?
41
00:02:06,098 --> 00:02:07,968
You know when your dog's
having a bad dream?
42
00:02:08,204 --> 00:02:09,588
That's who I pray to.
43
00:02:17,997 --> 00:02:20,866
Boys, I'm afraid the government
has finally caught up with me
44
00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:24,052
and my appeals are exhausted.
45
00:02:24,087 --> 00:02:27,489
Tomorrow,
I begin serving jury duty.
46
00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,024
That's a tough
break, boss.
47
00:02:29,058 --> 00:02:30,592
Don't sign petitions
48
00:02:30,626 --> 00:02:32,577
outside the grocery store
no more!
49
00:02:32,612 --> 00:02:34,179
I felt bad for the guy,
50
00:02:34,213 --> 00:02:37,049
sitting there
at his little card table.
51
00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:41,036
Anyway, I must name
a temporary replacement.
52
00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:45,507
Your temporary don is...
53
00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:48,326
our accountant, Dan.
54
00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:50,245
(all groaning)
55
00:02:50,279 --> 00:02:51,947
Fat Tony, a word?
56
00:02:51,981 --> 00:02:55,167
How about "meringue"?
That's a great word, but...
57
00:02:55,201 --> 00:02:57,569
(whispering): I'm just a numbers guy,
and the only reason
58
00:02:57,603 --> 00:02:59,304
I say "numbers guy"
instead of "Wharton MBA"
59
00:02:59,338 --> 00:03:00,856
is 'cause I want
to blend in.
60
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,491
I know what I'm doing.
61
00:03:02,525 --> 00:03:04,059
We are bleeding red ink,
62
00:03:04,093 --> 00:03:07,395
which is the only thing
we should not be bleeding.
63
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:08,964
(all exclaim and mutter)
64
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:11,133
(clears throat)
65
00:03:11,167 --> 00:03:13,235
Hey, listen, everyone,
66
00:03:13,269 --> 00:03:15,804
I know a good
ice-breaking exercise.
67
00:03:15,838 --> 00:03:18,640
Let's all say something
that we are afraid of.
68
00:03:18,674 --> 00:03:20,308
For me, it's you guys.
(quiet laugh)
69
00:03:20,343 --> 00:03:22,410
I'm afraid I might
kill this guy right now.
70
00:03:22,445 --> 00:03:24,062
Ring, ring.
Is that my phone?
71
00:03:24,097 --> 00:03:25,430
I think it is.
Hello?
72
00:03:25,465 --> 00:03:27,232
Yes, sweetie, it's Daddy.
73
00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:28,800
Listen, how would you feel
74
00:03:28,835 --> 00:03:30,302
if I just disappeared?
75
00:03:30,336 --> 00:03:32,304
Sad, right? Sad?
76
00:03:32,338 --> 00:03:34,372
Okay, you know what?
I'll tell the guys.
77
00:03:34,407 --> 00:03:36,641
She's crying, guys.
Cassidy is crying.
78
00:03:36,676 --> 00:03:39,111
Well, I hope you feel
proud of yourself.
79
00:03:39,145 --> 00:03:40,979
Cassidy is
a girl's name now?
80
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,415
(dramatic
orchestral music playing)
81
00:03:49,088 --> 00:03:50,822
I know this music.
82
00:03:50,857 --> 00:03:52,557
It was a Bugs Bunny!
83
00:03:52,592 --> 00:03:56,228
Oh, what I wouldn't give
for an anvil to fall on me.
84
00:03:56,262 --> 00:03:57,345
D'oh!
85
00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,664
Shh! Here comes
Lisa's solo.
86
00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:02,000
♪
87
00:04:03,269 --> 00:04:06,571
(playing lively blues)
88
00:04:06,606 --> 00:04:10,008
This is why
I'm a season subscriber.
89
00:04:11,277 --> 00:04:13,745
(exhales weakly)
90
00:04:13,779 --> 00:04:14,796
(all gasp)
91
00:04:14,831 --> 00:04:15,964
Lisa!
92
00:04:15,998 --> 00:04:18,366
When I prayed for this
concert to be over,
93
00:04:18,401 --> 00:04:19,868
I didn't mean like this!
94
00:04:19,902 --> 00:04:20,919
I did.
95
00:04:20,953 --> 00:04:22,654
Where's the school nurse?
96
00:04:22,688 --> 00:04:24,539
Here I am.
97
00:04:24,574 --> 00:04:26,558
Budget cuts.
98
00:04:32,215 --> 00:04:34,382
Lisa, I suspect you fainted
because you thought
99
00:04:34,417 --> 00:04:37,485
Justin Bieber was in
the audience. (chuckles)
100
00:04:37,503 --> 00:04:40,622
Well, once again, laughter
is the worst medicine.
101
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:42,824
Young lady, you're not
getting enough iron.
102
00:04:42,859 --> 00:04:45,126
Please say it's
the vegetarianism.
103
00:04:45,161 --> 00:04:47,062
It's not
the vegetarianism.
104
00:04:47,096 --> 00:04:48,813
It's a little bit
the vegetarianism.
105
00:04:48,848 --> 00:04:51,783
Lisa, if you must forgo meat,
I advise you to take
106
00:04:51,817 --> 00:04:54,019
these iron supplements.
107
00:04:54,053 --> 00:04:55,303
(clanging)
108
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,339
It's like swallowing
dollhouse furniture.
109
00:04:57,373 --> 00:04:59,024
(chuckles)
110
00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:03,061
Gentlemen,
look at what we are spending
111
00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:05,714
every month
just on olive oil.
112
00:05:05,748 --> 00:05:07,716
We love our bread-dipping.
113
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,218
Okay, can't touch
the bread-dipping.
114
00:05:10,253 --> 00:05:14,539
Here's what Joey the Arsonist
thinks of your spreadsheet. Heh?
115
00:05:14,574 --> 00:05:17,842
(laughter) Ha-ha-ha!
This is fun.
116
00:05:17,877 --> 00:05:20,161
But you know what?
There is a cost-cutting measure
117
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,330
I'd like to propose:
If you put
118
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,082
a horse's head in someone's bed,
119
00:05:24,133 --> 00:05:26,868
don't let the rest
of the animal go to waste.
120
00:05:26,886 --> 00:05:28,937
For the next guy,
use the horse's leg.
121
00:05:28,971 --> 00:05:30,372
Or... a couple of hooves.
122
00:05:30,406 --> 00:05:33,008
Believe me, there is
no part of a dead horse
123
00:05:33,042 --> 00:05:34,943
that's not gonna scare someone.
124
00:05:34,977 --> 00:05:37,112
Okay, good stopping point.
125
00:05:37,146 --> 00:05:38,280
Aah!
126
00:05:38,314 --> 00:05:40,615
Okay... (grunts)
Was that real?
127
00:05:45,655 --> 00:05:47,205
(hacks)
128
00:05:49,242 --> 00:05:52,377
A kid's never lonely
when he has bologna.
129
00:05:52,411 --> 00:05:53,929
Except me.
130
00:05:53,963 --> 00:05:56,548
(bell rings)
131
00:05:56,582 --> 00:05:58,033
(hacks)
132
00:05:58,067 --> 00:05:59,618
(sobbing)
133
00:05:59,652 --> 00:06:02,209
You're that Simpson
kid, Bart, right?
134
00:06:02,234 --> 00:06:02,988
Lisa.
135
00:06:02,989 --> 00:06:06,558
I just see mouths.
Can't handle the iron pills?
136
00:06:06,592 --> 00:06:09,094
All day I have vitamin burps.
137
00:06:09,128 --> 00:06:11,129
Try this-- it's
what keeps me young.
138
00:06:13,766 --> 00:06:17,035
Mmm, tasty.
Love the texture.
139
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:19,237
What is it?
Beetle mush.
140
00:06:19,272 --> 00:06:21,973
(muffled gasp)
But I'm a vegetarian!
141
00:06:22,008 --> 00:06:25,510
So am I. Lots of committed
vegetarians eat insects.
142
00:06:25,544 --> 00:06:27,646
Really?
Get real.
143
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,314
There's bug parts
in peanut butter.
144
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,216
And every year,
the average American eats
145
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:32,984
eight spiders in his sleep.
146
00:06:33,019 --> 00:06:34,586
It's all here in this book.
147
00:06:35,988 --> 00:06:39,424
(mouth full):
This is such a big step.
148
00:06:39,458 --> 00:06:41,159
Better decide soon, kid.
149
00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:43,762
The union said I can't talk
to a student this long.
150
00:06:43,796 --> 00:06:46,598
Mmm, that is good grub.
151
00:06:46,632 --> 00:06:49,734
But I promised Paul McCartney
I wouldn't eat meat.
152
00:06:49,769 --> 00:06:53,938
And I promised Paul McCartney
I wouldn't sleep with John.
153
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:58,207
So, you're saying you'd
rather do the prettiest dude
154
00:06:58,307 --> 00:06:59,975
in the world
than the ugliest broad?
155
00:07:00,009 --> 00:07:02,027
Absolutely.
But how did we get here
156
00:07:02,061 --> 00:07:04,462
from discussing
Aristotle's Poetics?
157
00:07:04,497 --> 00:07:06,247
MOE:
Well, well,
158
00:07:06,265 --> 00:07:08,867
if it isn't Mr. Work
Comes Before Bowling.
159
00:07:08,901 --> 00:07:11,136
I am turning my back
because I can't stand
160
00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:12,704
to look you in the face.
161
00:07:12,738 --> 00:07:13,705
(screams)
162
00:07:13,739 --> 00:07:14,706
Ooh!
163
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:15,724
(screams)
164
00:07:15,758 --> 00:07:16,958
You.
165
00:07:16,993 --> 00:07:18,410
(screams)
Part of my new
166
00:07:18,444 --> 00:07:19,945
rice wine promotion.
167
00:07:19,979 --> 00:07:21,913
So, now you think you can
just waltz in here
168
00:07:21,948 --> 00:07:23,214
and buy everybody a beer?
169
00:07:23,249 --> 00:07:24,449
I didn't say that I...
170
00:07:24,483 --> 00:07:25,617
Too late.
I already poured.
171
00:07:25,651 --> 00:07:27,085
Oh, sorry, guys.
172
00:07:27,119 --> 00:07:28,453
I got the kind of job that
173
00:07:28,487 --> 00:07:30,088
you just can't play hooky from.
174
00:07:30,122 --> 00:07:32,958
Well, I have no idea what
you do or who you work with,
175
00:07:32,992 --> 00:07:35,827
but I am sure if you put
your foot down on their throats
176
00:07:35,861 --> 00:07:37,629
and grind until
you hear a crunch,
177
00:07:37,663 --> 00:07:39,097
they'll sit up straight.
178
00:07:39,131 --> 00:07:40,732
Really? You're
sure about this?
179
00:07:40,766 --> 00:07:43,268
Oh, hey, listen, I learned
a lot about human nature
180
00:07:43,302 --> 00:07:45,804
by watching things
through secret cameras.
181
00:07:45,838 --> 00:07:48,239
Uh-huh.
All right, then. Okay.
182
00:07:48,274 --> 00:07:51,176
We'll see about
that bread-dipping.
183
00:07:51,210 --> 00:07:55,280
Thank you. Thank you
for giving me an attitude.
184
00:07:55,314 --> 00:07:58,183
Thank you for
giving me an edge.
185
00:08:01,337 --> 00:08:04,639
Or maybe it's groveling
that works.
186
00:08:04,674 --> 00:08:07,175
Hmm. Eh, six of one.
187
00:08:07,209 --> 00:08:09,544
FRINK:
Attention, Gourmands
188
00:08:09,578 --> 00:08:12,347
of All Things Creepy
and Crawly.
189
00:08:12,381 --> 00:08:15,967
Please welcome long-time
squisher, first-time eater,
190
00:08:16,002 --> 00:08:17,869
Lisa Simpson.
(chuckles) Delighted.
191
00:08:27,046 --> 00:08:30,048
Hey, waiter,
there's no fly in my soup.
192
00:08:30,082 --> 00:08:32,000
Sorry.
193
00:08:32,034 --> 00:08:34,169
Little more.
Little more.
194
00:08:34,203 --> 00:08:35,336
Perfect.
195
00:08:36,872 --> 00:08:39,674
Just-a once, why can't
they go to Applebee's?
196
00:08:39,709 --> 00:08:41,576
Okay, fellas.
197
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:45,296
This time, why don't
I do the cutting?
198
00:08:45,331 --> 00:08:47,515
What are you doing?
I talk with that hand.
199
00:08:47,550 --> 00:08:48,817
Well, you're
gonna lose it
200
00:08:48,851 --> 00:08:51,519
if you keep charging
your manicures to us.
201
00:08:51,554 --> 00:08:54,339
If you don't like it,
tough tortellini!
202
00:08:54,373 --> 00:08:56,858
And while we're at it,
no more tortellini!
203
00:08:56,876 --> 00:08:59,244
I'm dominating you!
204
00:08:59,278 --> 00:09:01,513
Anyone got a problem? Huh?!
205
00:09:01,547 --> 00:09:03,698
Kenny the Problem?
I'm good.
206
00:09:03,733 --> 00:09:05,984
What's this I hear
about no more tortellini?
207
00:09:06,018 --> 00:09:07,552
Only for Christmas and funerals.
208
00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:09,587
No, please, please,
I need-a the money.
209
00:09:09,622 --> 00:09:13,575
She's-a pay for my-- how
you say?-- English lessons.
210
00:09:13,609 --> 00:09:15,076
My name-a Luigi.
211
00:09:15,111 --> 00:09:17,262
I live at a-one, a-two,
a-three, Main-a Street.
212
00:09:22,318 --> 00:09:24,552
(humming)
213
00:09:26,555 --> 00:09:28,423
So, if I'm growing
grasshoppers to eat,
214
00:09:28,457 --> 00:09:30,425
am I farmer or a rancher?
215
00:09:30,459 --> 00:09:33,194
There are going to be a lot
of heated blogs on this topic.
216
00:09:33,229 --> 00:09:36,514
MARGE:
Lisa, dinnertime!
217
00:09:38,451 --> 00:09:40,285
(meows)
218
00:09:46,108 --> 00:09:48,309
(singsongy):
Lisa eats bugs!
219
00:09:48,344 --> 00:09:49,811
Bart! This is America.
220
00:09:49,845 --> 00:09:51,579
Anyone can eat
what they want
221
00:09:51,614 --> 00:09:53,448
as long as they
eat too much.
222
00:09:53,482 --> 00:09:56,084
Lisa, would you
like some shrimp?
223
00:09:56,118 --> 00:09:57,719
Hmm.
224
00:10:05,027 --> 00:10:09,063
You know... shrimp aren't all
that removed from grasshoppers.
225
00:10:09,098 --> 00:10:11,166
They're both arthropods.
226
00:10:18,474 --> 00:10:22,327
Oh, you did that to help me out.
227
00:10:22,361 --> 00:10:23,595
(grunts)
228
00:10:23,629 --> 00:10:26,030
Not sure what
your motivation for that is.
229
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:30,001
Lunch break.
230
00:10:32,872 --> 00:10:34,239
Make this quick.
231
00:10:34,273 --> 00:10:36,174
I finally got
a chair by the window.
232
00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,310
I'm afraid the little
Bulgarian lady will take it.
233
00:10:39,345 --> 00:10:40,678
Bottom line, Tone,
234
00:10:40,713 --> 00:10:42,947
I cut expenses 12%.
235
00:10:42,982 --> 00:10:45,617
As my more ruthless cousin
on Wall Street would say,
236
00:10:45,651 --> 00:10:47,719
cut another 12.
237
00:10:47,753 --> 00:10:50,155
But the only other cuts left
are personnel.
238
00:10:50,189 --> 00:10:51,923
There are
redundancies.
239
00:10:51,957 --> 00:10:53,825
Like Shotgun Pete,
Shotgun Mike,
240
00:10:53,859 --> 00:10:56,394
Ronnie the Rifle,
Shotgun the Rifle...
241
00:10:56,428 --> 00:10:59,430
All good men,
but some must go.
242
00:10:59,465 --> 00:11:01,065
I agree.
243
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,234
I will announce the layoffs.
244
00:11:03,269 --> 00:11:05,236
Welcome to
the dole, boys.
245
00:11:05,271 --> 00:11:06,571
(chuckles)
246
00:11:06,605 --> 00:11:10,909
You jedrool, in our business,
you don't lay them off,
247
00:11:10,943 --> 00:11:12,744
you lay them out.
248
00:11:12,778 --> 00:11:13,745
Right.
249
00:11:13,779 --> 00:11:14,913
What?
250
00:11:14,947 --> 00:11:16,614
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
251
00:11:16,649 --> 00:11:18,550
(whispering): Oh, boy, you mean,
kill them?
252
00:11:18,584 --> 00:11:20,285
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to shout.
253
00:11:21,704 --> 00:11:23,087
Damn, she eats a quick lunch.
254
00:11:23,122 --> 00:11:24,105
Got to go.
255
00:11:24,139 --> 00:11:25,957
Nice breeze, huh?
256
00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:32,580
You have breasts like woman,
but cannot give suck.
257
00:11:32,615 --> 00:11:34,449
Quit saying that!
258
00:11:39,371 --> 00:11:41,789
Get along, little buggies.
259
00:11:41,824 --> 00:11:43,658
If I may,
just one question.
260
00:11:43,692 --> 00:11:45,627
Why are you eating us?
261
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,195
You don't feel any pain.
262
00:11:47,229 --> 00:11:48,963
Wha...?!
Who told you that?
263
00:11:48,998 --> 00:11:50,798
Um... I just assumed.
264
00:11:50,833 --> 00:11:53,401
This is what you've
been dipping in chocolate.
265
00:11:53,435 --> 00:11:54,969
(Lisa gasps)
266
00:11:55,004 --> 00:11:56,404
Nooo!
267
00:11:56,438 --> 00:11:58,673
I'm afraid sooo!
268
00:11:58,707 --> 00:11:59,974
Nooo!
269
00:12:00,009 --> 00:12:01,342
Sooo!
270
00:12:01,377 --> 00:12:02,343
(gasps)
271
00:12:02,378 --> 00:12:03,344
Oh, thank God.
272
00:12:03,379 --> 00:12:04,579
Just a dream.
273
00:12:04,613 --> 00:12:05,563
(chuckles)
274
00:12:05,598 --> 00:12:06,564
(gasps)
275
00:12:06,599 --> 00:12:07,949
I've been meat-walking.
276
00:12:07,983 --> 00:12:09,984
Bart, I can't
eat bugs anymore.
277
00:12:10,019 --> 00:12:12,153
Please, please
take my grasshoppers
278
00:12:12,187 --> 00:12:15,757
as far away as you can
and release them into the wild.
279
00:12:15,791 --> 00:12:18,459
Okay, but when I grow up
and I'm living on your couch,
280
00:12:18,494 --> 00:12:20,695
and I drink all your booze,
and sell your jewelry,
281
00:12:20,729 --> 00:12:22,697
you got to be cool.
282
00:12:22,731 --> 00:12:24,048
I'll be cool.
283
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,484
But I will not be sharing
my mini-fridge with Homer.
284
00:12:26,518 --> 00:12:28,086
He's there too?
285
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,420
(grunting)
286
00:12:29,455 --> 00:12:30,922
Almost...
287
00:12:30,956 --> 00:12:32,173
(grunts)
288
00:12:32,207 --> 00:12:34,292
Eh, free is free.
289
00:12:34,326 --> 00:12:37,161
(whistling jaunty tune)
290
00:12:40,299 --> 00:12:41,499
He wants me
to kill them!
291
00:12:41,533 --> 00:12:43,001
(shrieks)
Sorry, sorry.
292
00:12:43,035 --> 00:12:44,352
First of all, hi.
Hi, Dan.
293
00:12:44,386 --> 00:12:46,988
Secondly, remember when
you asked who I worked for
294
00:12:47,022 --> 00:12:48,306
and I wouldn't say
295
00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:50,441
(whispering):
I'm a mob boss.
296
00:12:50,476 --> 00:12:54,112
I'm running Fat Tony's gang
while he's on jury duty.
297
00:12:54,146 --> 00:12:55,647
(chuckles)
Doodie.
298
00:12:55,681 --> 00:12:57,048
Homer, that's not the shocking part.
Oh?
299
00:12:57,082 --> 00:12:59,317
He wants me to kill
a bunch of guys.
300
00:12:59,351 --> 00:13:00,835
I've got a gun.
Look.
301
00:13:00,869 --> 00:13:02,153
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
302
00:13:02,187 --> 00:13:04,138
You want me to help you escape?
No!
303
00:13:04,173 --> 00:13:06,357
I want you to stop me
from doing it.
304
00:13:06,392 --> 00:13:08,826
You wha...?!
I want to do it, Homer.
305
00:13:08,877 --> 00:13:10,745
It's the ultimate
business model.
306
00:13:10,779 --> 00:13:12,964
In my business,
I try not to be seen.
307
00:13:12,998 --> 00:13:14,966
I'm scary good at it.
308
00:13:16,001 --> 00:13:16,968
Homer!
Mmm.
309
00:13:17,002 --> 00:13:18,169
Everything's
led to this.
310
00:13:18,203 --> 00:13:19,470
I remember,
the first time
311
00:13:19,505 --> 00:13:21,706
I fired someone
face-to-face, I cried.
312
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:23,041
I cried.
313
00:13:23,075 --> 00:13:25,093
Saved the tear.
314
00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:26,294
Please stop.
315
00:13:26,328 --> 00:13:27,862
I just wanted my Frisbee back
from your yard.
316
00:13:27,896 --> 00:13:29,998
They fired me
for not being tough.
317
00:13:30,032 --> 00:13:32,750
I had learned that
in order to succeed,
318
00:13:32,785 --> 00:13:35,586
you must disregard
the dangerous distraction
319
00:13:35,621 --> 00:13:37,689
of being human.
320
00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:39,424
And it brought me here.
321
00:13:39,458 --> 00:13:42,460
You scratch a businessman and
you get a coldblooded killer.
322
00:13:42,494 --> 00:13:45,029
Well, I've been scratched!
323
00:13:47,816 --> 00:13:50,835
This is how I get out
of doing the dishes.
324
00:13:54,439 --> 00:13:56,423
Come on, buddy, why would
you want to be a murderer?
325
00:13:56,458 --> 00:13:57,691
I don't know.
326
00:13:57,726 --> 00:14:00,160
My training, this
opportunity, it's like...
327
00:14:00,195 --> 00:14:01,729
A perfect storm?
328
00:14:01,763 --> 00:14:03,630
I hate that expression!
329
00:14:03,665 --> 00:14:05,149
So overused!
330
00:14:05,183 --> 00:14:07,067
Okay, I don't... I don't
know why I said it.
331
00:14:07,118 --> 00:14:08,485
I was scared.
I needed a response.
332
00:14:08,519 --> 00:14:09,820
It was a perfect storm!
333
00:14:09,854 --> 00:14:10,871
Say something original!
334
00:14:10,905 --> 00:14:13,891
(nervously babbling)
335
00:14:13,925 --> 00:14:17,294
Uh, Greek thing, uh,
grand b-banana of...
336
00:14:17,328 --> 00:14:21,398
far-na... of f-forever
thing, bleeks blah-blah,
337
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:23,300
a comma... a com...
338
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:26,403
a commonality
beret burrito.
339
00:14:26,438 --> 00:14:28,539
Oh, it looks like
a kidnapping in progress, Chief.
340
00:14:28,573 --> 00:14:30,240
(groans) You always
frame everything
341
00:14:30,275 --> 00:14:32,309
in the worst
possible light.
342
00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:35,412
Chief, can I ask-- why do you
want to be a policeman?
343
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:37,181
Adrenaline junkie.
344
00:14:37,215 --> 00:14:40,634
My dad used to tie me up when
the ice cream truck went by.
345
00:14:40,668 --> 00:14:42,469
And now there's
no amount of ice cream
346
00:14:42,504 --> 00:14:44,571
that will make me feel full,
so this should work.
347
00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:45,906
Yeah.
That's right.
348
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,241
Tie them tighter.
Mmm!
349
00:14:47,275 --> 00:14:49,042
Oh, that's good.
Oh, that burns.
350
00:14:49,077 --> 00:14:52,096
Could you please not sound
like you like it so much?
351
00:14:52,130 --> 00:14:53,397
Sorry.
352
00:14:53,431 --> 00:14:55,466
I'm into a lot of weird stuff.
353
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,518
Now stay down here
and I'll be back
354
00:14:57,552 --> 00:14:59,103
every hour with food.
355
00:14:59,137 --> 00:15:01,371
And every six hours
with food for you.
356
00:15:01,406 --> 00:15:04,141
Thanks, man.
'Preciate it!
357
00:15:04,175 --> 00:15:07,377
Ah, look.
I have company.
358
00:15:07,412 --> 00:15:08,645
Hello.
359
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,547
Hello to you and your friend.
360
00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:11,882
It's a party.
361
00:15:11,916 --> 00:15:14,551
(chittering)
362
00:15:19,190 --> 00:15:22,092
I'm going to call you Buggy,
363
00:15:22,127 --> 00:15:25,428
and I'll call you--
please don't go in my mouth.
364
00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:27,581
All right, you can go
in my mouth.
365
00:15:27,615 --> 00:15:29,249
Just don't lay egg...
366
00:15:29,284 --> 00:15:31,051
(gargling)
367
00:15:31,085 --> 00:15:33,020
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to AFI Presents
368
00:15:33,054 --> 00:15:35,522
The 100 Greatest Movie Screams.
369
00:15:35,557 --> 00:15:38,625
Number 60,
from Teen Wolf Too...
370
00:15:38,660 --> 00:15:39,893
(woman screaming)
371
00:15:39,928 --> 00:15:41,428
Classic.
372
00:15:41,463 --> 00:15:42,496
(Dan screaming)
373
00:15:42,530 --> 00:15:45,699
Someone must be
watching on another TV.
374
00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:48,569
DAN (screaming):
The bug!
375
00:15:48,603 --> 00:15:51,271
I really think that's
coming from our house.
376
00:15:51,306 --> 00:15:53,273
Will you stop
saying things
377
00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:55,676
that'll make me
have to do something?
378
00:15:55,710 --> 00:15:57,344
ANNOUNCER:
Next, we've got three screams
379
00:15:57,378 --> 00:15:59,279
from Scream 3.
380
00:15:59,314 --> 00:16:01,081
(three rapid screams)
381
00:16:01,115 --> 00:16:02,416
(Dan screaming)
382
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:05,652
That was four screams.
Stupid AFI.
383
00:16:05,687 --> 00:16:09,256
Boy, never go into their
directors training program.
384
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:11,258
How about the Disney
Minority Program?
385
00:16:11,292 --> 00:16:13,026
Now, how would you
qualify for that?
386
00:16:13,061 --> 00:16:14,561
I'm the son
of an oaf.
387
00:16:14,596 --> 00:16:16,330
(scoffs)
Have fun getting coffee
388
00:16:16,364 --> 00:16:18,732
for Roy Disney the Third.
389
00:16:20,101 --> 00:16:21,268
Dinnertime.
(chirping)
390
00:16:21,302 --> 00:16:22,586
I know you're hungry.
391
00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:24,655
I can hear you rubbing
your legs together and...
392
00:16:24,689 --> 00:16:26,640
Oh, my God!
393
00:16:29,127 --> 00:16:30,694
I never thought Homer Simpson
394
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:33,514
would be a part
of the Day of the Locust.
395
00:16:33,548 --> 00:16:34,932
Thanks.
396
00:16:34,966 --> 00:16:37,935
Now, turn around and
get on your knees.
397
00:16:37,969 --> 00:16:40,254
Are you gonna shoot me
in the back of the head?
398
00:16:40,288 --> 00:16:42,389
No, I just know it takes you
so long to get up
399
00:16:42,423 --> 00:16:44,091
I'll have plenty
of time to escape.
400
00:16:48,496 --> 00:16:50,647
(grunting)
401
00:16:50,682 --> 00:16:52,482
(sighs)
402
00:16:52,516 --> 00:16:54,952
I'll fix that later.
403
00:16:58,913 --> 00:17:01,381
(ominous organ music playing)
404
00:17:01,416 --> 00:17:04,451
Your Honor, we have
reached a verdict.
405
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:08,839
(gunshot)
406
00:17:08,873 --> 00:17:10,340
Johnny Tightlips.
407
00:17:10,374 --> 00:17:11,508
Give me one reason
408
00:17:11,542 --> 00:17:13,577
why I shouldn't
kill you right now.
409
00:17:13,611 --> 00:17:15,929
There's a great one, but you'll
never get it out of me.
410
00:17:15,963 --> 00:17:19,132
On vacation, he digs
wells in Darfur!
411
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:20,233
Damn it!
412
00:17:21,169 --> 00:17:23,069
We find the defendant...
413
00:17:23,104 --> 00:17:25,071
ALEX TREBEK: And now it's time
for Final Jeopardy.
414
00:17:25,106 --> 00:17:26,907
Pay attention, players.
The category is...
415
00:17:26,941 --> 00:17:28,708
You think you're
so smart, Alex Trebek.
416
00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:32,078
I remember when you
were Alphonse Trebagoogoo.
417
00:17:32,113 --> 00:17:33,246
HOMER:
Stop!
418
00:17:33,281 --> 00:17:34,498
Make me!
419
00:17:34,532 --> 00:17:35,866
(Bart grunts)
420
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:37,200
Come on!
421
00:17:37,235 --> 00:17:39,953
You said we were gonna
see somebody get shot.
422
00:17:39,987 --> 00:17:41,721
...not guilty.
423
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:44,658
I'll have your money
in an hour.
424
00:17:44,692 --> 00:17:48,111
(ominous organ music playing)
425
00:17:51,098 --> 00:17:52,466
Dan!
426
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,301
How do you keep
finding me?
427
00:17:54,335 --> 00:17:56,136
You really should
tweet less.
428
00:17:56,170 --> 00:17:57,804
But everyone
deserves to know
429
00:17:57,839 --> 00:17:59,306
what I'm thinking
all the time.
430
00:17:59,340 --> 00:18:00,874
Just listen, if you
kill those guys,
431
00:18:00,908 --> 00:18:03,143
you'll be as bad
as they are.
432
00:18:03,177 --> 00:18:04,261
I don't think so.
433
00:18:04,295 --> 00:18:05,529
They've killed
a lot of people,
434
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,130
and they tell their wives
they're working,
435
00:18:07,165 --> 00:18:08,765
but they're really
just hanging out.
436
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,402
Look, just give me the gun
before you hurt somebody.
437
00:18:12,436 --> 00:18:14,337
Give it to me.
438
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:23,296
Oh, I can't kill you.
439
00:18:23,331 --> 00:18:24,698
I knew you were weak.
440
00:18:24,732 --> 00:18:27,000
If you think I'm so weak,
give me back the gun.
441
00:18:27,034 --> 00:18:28,301
You are weak, but no.
442
00:18:28,336 --> 00:18:30,170
Let's see how weak I am
with the gun.
443
00:18:30,204 --> 00:18:31,588
No, I don't want to.
Give me the gun.
444
00:18:31,622 --> 00:18:32,789
I don't want
to see it.
445
00:18:32,824 --> 00:18:34,257
You're making my mad and
I want to shoot you now.
446
00:18:34,292 --> 00:18:35,258
I don't have to see it.
447
00:18:35,293 --> 00:18:36,293
Huh?!
448
00:18:37,395 --> 00:18:38,395
Give it to me!
I can imagine it.
449
00:18:38,429 --> 00:18:39,663
Give me the gun.
No.
450
00:18:39,697 --> 00:18:41,264
Come on, weakling,
get it from me.
451
00:18:41,299 --> 00:18:43,350
I'm not... You want...
I'm not weak with the gun.
452
00:18:43,384 --> 00:18:45,235
Yeah, well, yeah,
but see who's got it now.
453
00:18:45,269 --> 00:18:47,253
When I have a gun,
I'm not weak at all.
454
00:18:47,271 --> 00:18:48,438
Yeah, well,
you ain't so...
455
00:18:48,472 --> 00:18:49,606
(glass breaks)
456
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:50,841
(grunts)
457
00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:52,809
Clean-up on aisle me.
458
00:18:52,844 --> 00:18:55,011
(groans)
459
00:18:56,547 --> 00:18:59,299
Okay, Mom,
I think that's far enough.
460
00:19:02,954 --> 00:19:06,540
Finally, a place where you
can spread your wings and hop.
461
00:19:06,574 --> 00:19:09,960
(chirping)
462
00:19:16,684 --> 00:19:18,301
We're free!
463
00:19:18,336 --> 00:19:20,170
No, no, I'm still
gonna figure this out.
464
00:19:20,204 --> 00:19:21,538
There was
a corner here.
465
00:19:21,572 --> 00:19:22,539
David...
466
00:19:22,573 --> 00:19:24,140
Damn it, Judy,
let me have this!
467
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:27,410
So, Tone, you're
sure you didn't
468
00:19:27,445 --> 00:19:29,579
order those fiduciary-
related whacks?
469
00:19:29,614 --> 00:19:32,582
The important thing is
we have severely cut costs
470
00:19:32,617 --> 00:19:35,785
by reducing the number
of our guns to one.
471
00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:37,520
And I have it.
472
00:19:37,555 --> 00:19:39,756
Any further questions?
473
00:19:39,790 --> 00:19:41,358
Can I have the gun?
No.
474
00:19:41,392 --> 00:19:43,176
What happened to our
friend Mr. Gillick?
475
00:19:43,210 --> 00:19:44,644
I don't know.
476
00:19:44,679 --> 00:19:47,247
But once your finger has felt
the itch of a trigger,
477
00:19:47,281 --> 00:19:51,301
there is no relief till
said trigger has been squeezed.
478
00:19:51,335 --> 00:19:53,653
Sometimes late in life
you find your calling.
479
00:19:53,688 --> 00:19:57,390
The heft of the gun,
the trigger in your hand...
480
00:19:57,425 --> 00:19:58,625
Can you hurry
this up, please?
481
00:19:58,659 --> 00:20:00,627
My daughter's got
cheerleading practice.
482
00:20:00,661 --> 00:20:03,463
Oh, I-I can go fast.
483
00:20:03,497 --> 00:20:04,898
Ba-da boom!
484
00:20:04,932 --> 00:20:06,366
Could you please
not do that?
485
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,034
Is there some kind
of problem here?
486
00:20:08,069 --> 00:20:10,503
And if not, can you
do my belly button?
487
00:20:10,538 --> 00:20:12,839
Need some place to hang
my badge at the sauna.
488
00:20:12,873 --> 00:20:14,274
(scoffs)
489
00:20:14,308 --> 00:20:19,308
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
490
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,359
Shh!