- Hi! - See 'em and weep.
Six front row tickets
to the Rock Bottom Remainders concert.
Ha ha! What is that?
Only the most popular rock band in the world,
made up entirely of best-selling authors.
We have master of suspense Stephen King,
voice of an Asian generation, Amy Tan,
beloved humorist, Dave Barry!
Who's in?
(Both clear throats)
Um. Ahem.
(Jane and Brad continue clearing throats)
(Coughs)
(Strained voice) You see, the thing is... (Coughs)
(High-pitched voice) What day was that?
Well, in less confusing news,
Dave and I wanna have everyone over for Thanksgiving this year.
I mean, unless you've already started prepping, Jane.
I've already started prepping Thanksgiving
two full weeks ahead of time.
(Laughs) Right.
(Clanking)
Don't worry. I am not making you look fat.
(Gobbles)
Perfect. Then it's settled.
(Sighs) Although this time of year
is always a little bittersweet for me.
(Groans) There it is.
Thanksgiving is a real reminder of my people's hardships.
As an American living with 1/16th Navajo-ism,
I'm gonna use this as an opportunity
to educate-- perhaps enlighten all you white people--
and throw an authentic Thanksgiving.
White people? (Sighs)
You guys wouldn't understand.
None of your ancestors were at the first Thanksgiving.
Okay, neither were the Navajo.
- One of our many snubs. - Yeah.
Oh! Fun factoid. At the time of the first Thanksgiving,
our Serbian ancestors
were having a Thanksgiving of their own.
They were thanking God for sparing them from the wolves
while giving each other the plague.
(Sighs)
That fact wasn't fun, was it?
Oh, you'll get 'em next time, kiddo.
She will not.
♪
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
(Dave) I'm so excited about this.
For our first dinner party at our new place,
I feel so sophisticated. Plus, look,
I can make the turkey dance. Unh, unh, unh, unh.
He's popping and locking. Splits!
Where are those clams that I put on the shopping list?
Oh, I thought that was a mistake.
Why would you want clams on Thanksgiving?
I just assumed you meant clamps.
Why would I want clamps on Thanksgiving?
I don't know! For clampin' stuff!
See? Look. (Clanking)
Don't need to worry about that.
It's all clamped up.
Al, Quahog clams were a featured dish
in the first Thanksgiving.
I guess I gotta go get some now to prove to you guys
how much better an authentic Thanksgiving is.
Oh, Dave, come on. I respect your cultural traditions.
That's why... I made... Navajo-Ho-Hos.
Tepees, Al? The Navajo did not live in tepee.
I am deeply offended by this.
(Exhales deeply)
(Doorbell rings, dog barks)
They're here.
(Gasps) Happy Thanksgiving!
(Singsongy) - Gobble, gobble! (Jane) - Turkey time!
I brought you some wine.
(Gasps) Ooh, just like Sideways.
(Penny) Thanks for having us, Al.
(Alex, singsongy) Welcome, welcome!
(Sniffs)
(Lowered voice) Just as I thought.
Dry, unbrined, overseasoned.
And she's clearly been making it dance.
(Groans)
Mm.
Wrap it in a rug. (Whispers) Throw it in the river.
(Whispers) Right. (Toilet flushes)
Hey, you guys, I brought something awesome. (Spritzes)
You guys remember how Brad and I met--
on Real World, Sacramento.
- Uh-huh. - Of course.
Totally normal.
And how they couldn't air that season
because one of the roommates burned down
the converted firehouse we were living in?
- Uh-huh. - Of course.
To the ground.
Well, they finally sent me the DVDs,
so we get to watch it, including the episode
where you guys all came to visit.
- Oh, my God! - Aah!
(Penny laughing) Oh, man! That was so long ago.
That was before Dave and I started dating.
(Gasps) That's where you met Brad.
- Mm. - And where I had berries for the first time.
(Chants in singsong voice) Overrated!
Okay, this is not about you.
This is about me and my emotional journey.
This is me coming out.
If that season had aired,
I would have been the first openly gay person on television.
Except for Ellen, Rosie, all the Queer Eye guys.
- Oh, and Norman Korpi from The Real World season one. - Deep cut.
- I'm a fan. - Mm.
But you guys will see when we watch this
that I am a hero. (Spritzes)
(Gags) Isn't it odd how our six-some
was basically forged on The Real World,
and yet we never talk about it?
Classic Penny overthink.
Come help me set the table, you brainy bitch.
Okay.
Baa ahééwiindzin bijí.
- Happy day of thankfulness. - Oh, shut up.
Excuse me, sir. We were headed to the Thanksgiving day parade
when our car ran out of gas about a mile away.
Could we borrow a few dollars for gas?
The irony. You see, it's the custom of my people
to help strangers in need. (Native American flute and drum playing)
And this, on the day of Thanksgiving.
You know what? I'm gonna hit the ATM.
- Nice guy. - Total sweetheart.
♪ Helping the strangers ♪ (Machine beeping)
♪ Thanksgiving day ♪
♪ more like Thanksgiving Dave ♪
♪ heart of an eagle ♪
Oh! Oh, I see you've moved from an outside-my-car
to a more inside-my-car situation.
See you later, buddy! (Tires peal)
No! No! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
David! (Mocking) Trust your instincts, David.
- Okay, so Brad can sit on the exercise ball. - Mm-hmm.
And Max can have the camping chair,
and then you'll be here.
In that sex swing?
Ew! No! This is an ergonomic work hammock.
You see how easy?
No carpal tunnel for this productive gal.
That's a sex swing.
The guy at the flea market clearly said
- that it was for taking care of business. - I hope they cleaned it.
Doesn't Dave have a dining room table
and standard, non-marital-aid chairs in storage?
Yeah, but he hasn't really moved all his stuff in yet.
After four weeks? That's weird.
Really?
I guess it is. Should I be reading something into it?
What? What? No.
No, don't read anything into anything.
Reading's stupid. TV rules! Excuse me.
(Whispers) Max!
Is it bad I told Alex I think it's weird
Dave hasn't moved his stuff in yet?
Not unless you still have feelings for Dave,
and you're mad at Alex 'cause she lives with him now
and you're subconsciously trying to sabotage them.
But you aren't doing anything like that.
I don't know.
I mean, I have always been a bit of a saboteur.
But I wouldn't do that to Alex.
Would I? No, I would-- I'm not doing that.
Sounds like you got everything worked out.
- I don't. - Okay, everybody, gather 'round.
Ooh, what are we watching? Are we watching something?
- I love watching stuff. - It's our Real World.
Oh! (Grunts) (Clatters)
That was never supposed to see the light of day. (Max groans)
Plus who really wants to live in the past, you know?
It's like... pre-Newtonian physics?
No, thank you, sir. Not this gravity buff.
I'll stay tethered to the earth, thank you very much.
Oh, come on, Brad. It'll be fun to see us back then.
Plus TV rules, right, Penny?
Huh? Yes! Love it. TV rules, and I always say that.
(Under breath) Is that a bit you guys are doing?
(Under breath) Don't worry about it.
I know why Brad's so nervous. Max, was there a bathroom cam?
'Cause this one can't go pee in the morning... (Chuckles nervously)
until he does his little Wiener greeting.
(Cockney accent) "Good mornin', Mr. Brad!
"Oh, 'ello, good morning, Mr. Wiener.
Where we aimin' at this mornin', Mr. Brad?"
Well, I need to see... (Cockney accent) Mr. Brad.
(Chuckles)
(Penny, singsong voice) Here we go! So exciting!
Whoo!
♪
(Woman) This is the true story...
(Men and women) True story!
(Max) Of seven strangers.
(Alex) Oh, Mr. Cool guy. (Laughter)
(Woman) Picked to live in a house...
(Brad) And have their lives taped...
(Penny) Look at those dreads!
(Deep voice) Lord, have mercy!
(Woman) To find out what happens...
(Man) When people stop being polite...
I remember Jared. He was so cute.
- Ohh. - Yeah.
- I liked his butt-chin. - Mm-hmm.
(Woman) And start getting real.
(Men and women) The Real World, Sacramento!
Okay, boring, boring, boring. (Fast forwarding)
There's Jill telling us about her early onset menopause. (Groans)
Boring, boring, boring.
There's the girl that burned down the house.
- Keep going. - Boring, boring, boring-- oh, there's me!
Today's the day my friends are coming to visit,
and I'm super excited,
especially 'cause my girlfriend Penny is coming,
and we have a very sexual relationship.
We are like two rabbits... just...
doing it all the time.
There's so much... sex and, uh...
It's all hetero.
(Whispers) I'm so sorry.
I'm so excited for you guys to meet my friends.
- They're super chill. - Aah!
Come on! (Gasping loudly)
This place is insane!
(Laughs) Mmm! Mwah!
- Oh, my God. I belong on camera. - Not that hair, though.
(Max) Talk about hair. Look at Jane Stefani and Dave.
I mean, he looks like an extra in Singles.
What... the fish? Free haircuts?
Traffic light inside? They're usually outside.
It's so clever.
Oh, Boo, this is when we first connected.
Oh, look what time it is. (Laughs)
Hot tub 30!
(Cheering)
Ooh! That sounds so fun!
But the tub can clearly only seat six people safely,
maybe seven if we do that weird thing
where someone sits in the middle.
So I will make a sign-up sheet,
right? And we can all take turns.
Whoo! Sacramento!
Sign-up sheet!
Dude, what is that girl's deal, man?
She's so controlling.
She should make a sign-up sheet for who should stop talking
and put herself on top of the list. (Chuckles)
Uhh!
Ugh! These shows! (Chuckles)
They really edit stuff to make you seem like a jerk
when you really just love your wife so much.
I cannot stand that Jane chick.
Kerkovich? More like Kerko-bitch.
(Laughs) Uhh.
(Laughs) Ahh!
It's crazy, like, how they edit that stuff, right?
It's like, how did they make me say that?
I didn't even say that. It's like,
what did they do? Do they, have, like, computers up in my mouth
and just, like...
(Cockney accent) Good morning, Mr. Wiener!
Remember that?
So...
(Gasps) Kerko-bitch, huh?
Jane, that can't be the first time you've heard that, is it?
It is the first time you've heard that.
So don't mention anything about the fact
that in my head just now I came up with "jerk-ovich."
Not the time or place.
Will someone please get me out of this cadence, 'cause--
I am not controlling!
I'll prove it. You know what, Alex?
Let's make potatoes together.
We can make them any way you want--
either the good way or your way.
We can make my famous bad potatoes this year?
Jane, come on. That was years ago.
I was a moron, remember?
I was using body lotion on my face.
Yeah, why don't we all take a fiver,
and then we'll get back into it.
(Sighs deeply)
All right, here are your Quahogs. (Clatter)
(Pressing register buttons) Great. One detail. (Clears throat)
I don't have any traditional money.
Well, no clams then.
Come on, man. Here's the dealio.
Some pilgrims stole my car and phone,
so I can't call my friends
because I don't know any of their numbers.
I called the cops,
but apparently they won't take you to get clams
because they "aren't a taxi service for idiots."
So I was hoping that you and I could have
a little barter situation here vis-a-vis... a trade.
This is a real store.
If I don't show up with a sack of clams,
I'm gonna look like a real dope.
I do like that jacket.
This jacket for some clams?
(Scoffs) I mean, this thing is choice,
plus it's 30 degrees outside.
You're trying to trick me into a very uneven trade.
- The story of my people. - White people?
You who focus on 15/16ths of a man.
Tell you what.
(Shells clack) The clams...
plus this blanket. (Clatter)
- Fine. - Fine.
Fine.
(Native American flute and drum playing)
(Shells clack) Joke's on you.
All my friends hate that jacket.
(Door bells jingle)
(Sneezes loudly)
Oh, no. Does this have cat hair on it?
(Sneezes)
(Cat meows) (Sneezes)
(Chanting) Kiss her, kiss her! (Chanting) Body shots!
Body shots!
(Chanting indistinctly) We do so much-- yeah, we do so much of that.
(Alex) I thought you were coming out in this, buddy. (Chair wheels rolling)
(Whispers) Hey, Al. (Gasps)
Remember how I said it's wierd that Dave hasn't moved in yet?
I was being a real dumb-dumb,
because it is the opposite of weird.
It's actually totally normal.
Dave took forever to move in with Max, too, remember?
Yeah, 'cause he genuinely didn't wanna move in
and was totally conflicted.
Mm. Mm, mm. Mm. Exactly,
which is why he'd never do it again, you know,
and that's just standard Dave.
Never feeling the same way twice, you know?
Anyways, you guys are solid as a rock,
and your love seems eternal. Bye-eee!
Eee! (Whispers) I think I made it worse.
(Lowered voice) Penny, stop it.
You are not sabotaging anything.
There's no way Alex knows that you may or may not
have had feelings for Dave.
It's just a figment of your little, tiny girl brain.
You know what? You're right. You're right.
I don't know why I've been freaking out for nothing.
Thank you.
My relationship with Max is awesome.
Sometimes we just talk all night
and forget to have sex.
(Man) What if you weren't with Max?
If I weren't with Max? I don't know.
What about Dave? You like Dave?
Dave?
No, Dave is-- what? Dave is Dave.
(Laughs) I mean, he's cute. He's pretty great.
But why? Did he say something about me?
(Under breath) Oh, my God.
(Nasal voice) Awkward alert.
What? You had feelings for Dave?
What? No, Al. That's-- that's all...
That's editors there, and I wouldn't-- I-I--
Hey! Remember Brad's British Wiener?
(Cockney accent) Those were 'appy times!
(Normal voice) Whee! Look at me!
Whee!
So... okay, here's the thing.
About what I said about Dave--
Okay, you know what? Just stop, Penny.
All right? I'm starting to get it now.
You had feelings for Dave, and you know what?
Maybe you still do.
So you said all that stuff about him not moving in.
No. What I said on The Real World was nothing,
and it was 2002. It was such a crazy time.
We were all still reeling from the events
surrounding the film Vanilla Sky.
I mean, what is reality?
I am... so... tired
of people using Vanilla Sky to defend everything! (Slams peeler)
And I get that. And I get that.
(Coughing)
(Native American flute and drum playing)
(Continues coughing)
(Panting)
(Coughs)
(Sniffles)
(Gasps) My Rock Bottom Remainders tickets.
I can sell these... for money.
Mmm! (Kisses)
Thank you, rockin' scribes.
Six tickets to Rock Bottom Remainders!
Hey, I love RBR. How much?
200 bucks.
All right, man, you got a deal. That's great.
Yeah? All right.
Oh, you don't understand what kind of day I've had.
See, I'm 1/16th Navajo--
sir, you're under arrest for scalping.
Scalping? Scalping?
Oh, come on, man. Why would you do this
to a fellow Rock Bottom Remain-dude? (Handcuffs clicking)
What are you doing looking for scalpers anyway?
We're nowhere near a concert venue.
No, but we are outside a police station.
Scalping? The pilgrims drove me to it!
Well, we've had an emotional day,
but it's about to get worth it,
because I am about to say "I'm gay" on TV,
and it's the first time anybody has ever done that.
Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.
Dude, I got something crazy to tell you.
♪
It's really important.
(Crunches)
(Speaks indistinctly with mouth full)
- What's that now? - "I'm Greg"?
I said, "I'm gay." I'm a hero!
You're definitely a hero to all the Gregs out there.
First openly Greg person on television.
They're letting Gregs in the military now.
(Sighs)
Oh, look, there I am.
So young. So naive.
So unaware of what my future husband was saying about me.
It was a first impression.
Mm, mm, you know what my first impression was?
Here's the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with
and no one else.
(Whispering loudly) Jared!
Jared!
Jared?
Ready for some boom-boom?
(High-pitched voice) Boom-boom?!
Welp, I think Brad's embarrassed himself
enough for today.
(Continues whispering loudly) Jared!
Jared. (Grunts) Oh.
Oh. Hey.
Oh. Hey, sir.
Hey, you.
(Giggles)
Mmm! Yumbers.
(Jane giggling) Where are you going?
Jared.
Jared, hmm?
You were gonna hook up with booty-chin Jared?
He had a booty on his chin!
Ehh.
Ehh. What is that? So? So what?
I was just some big mistake?
Guess a lot of people are learning stuff about people
based on stuff that they've heard in the past.
Or should I say, "the stuff is out of the stuff bag"?
- Al, I'm sorry. - Guys, come on.
You're being really insensitive to what I'm going through
right now ten years ago.
Guys, listen, Penny thinks it's weird
that Dave hasn't moved his stuff in.
Is that really so weird?
(All) Yes!
Oh.
I, uh, didn't realize you all felt that way.
Guess it is a little weird.
Well, let's just see what Dave has to say about it.
Dave?
David.
Dave?
Has Dave not been here this whole time?
I could have sworn he just handed me this beer.
Aah! Clams!
Dave, are you okay, man? (Sneezes)
Ay! Gosh.
Dude, did you just give me this beer, like, five minutes ago?
Dude, you just sneezed right in my mouth.
(Nasal voice) I need some hand sani for my face.
(Coughs)
And then they got my car back.
(All) Oh! Great.
But then they confiscated my RBR tickets.
- Uh-huh. - Oh, yeah!
- That's terrible. - Tough week.
But it wasn't all bad.
I mean, I wanted an authentic Thanksgiving,
and I got so much more.
I experienced the entire plight of the Native American people
in just one day.
Oh, no, you didn't.
That is wildly insensitive.
And 'cause of my hardships, I feel as though
I've earned the right to bestow upon myself
- my own Indian name. - Oh.
So henceforth, I will be known as Has Ordeals With Clams.
I don't like it.
Now is that a legal name change,
or this like the time you wanted us to call you Lindsey?
It's so much bigger than that.
Oh, excuse me, Linds.
(Sighs deeply) Pen.
I overreacted. I know you were just asking me
a normal question about Dave moving in,
and I'm sorry.
Look, I would never try to hurt your relationship,
and our friendship is the most important thing to me.
- Yeah. - And I am so happy that you're happy.
And me and Dave? (Scoffs)
That would be... (Singsongy) crah-zah!
(Normal voice) Crazy. I should have just said "crazy."
I'm the one who's acting crazy.
It's-- it's just that...
I hadn't eaten in, like, 20 minutes.
- There we go. - I think that was it.
Your blood sugar-- you've gotta stay on top of it.
So... pretty crazy Dave story, huh?
Probably the most surprising event or piece of information
that's come to light today.
I just can't believe I was only an accident.
Well, you know, I-I was doing some research,
and you know what else was an accident
but then turned out to be amazing?
The slinky.
Nuh-unh.
And corn flakes. (Gasps)
- And Play-Doh. (Whispers) - I love the way that smells
but not the way it tastes.
And Penicillin.
(Nasal voice) I needed so much of that in college.
Oh! I love all that stuff!
And the accident of us kissing
didn't turn out to just be something great,
but it-- it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
(Groans)
And every moment after that was no accident.
(Clicks teeth) Aw. Babe.
(Both) Mm.
Dave, I gotta ask you a question,
and I want you to be totally honest with me.
Why haven't you moved your stuff in yet?
What? I told you. I'm moving in this weekend.
That's the earliest I could get movers.
Don't tell me you were eyes-open napping again.
Hey, movers are coming with my stuff on Saturday, okay?
(Snoring)
I do do that. It's weird, huh?
Yeah.
Well, I've prepared the clams in the traditional manner,
then I sampled them
and subsequently disposed of them.
You're welcome.
But this turkey-- oh, my God. It is delish.
I guess I really outdid myself.
Yeah, you did, Al. To the Kerko-bitch sisters.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Happy Thanksgiving! - Happy Thanksgiving.
(Brad and Jane, cockney accents) Happy Thanksgiving.
(Alex, cockney accent) Happy Thanksgiving.
(Jane) 'Ello!
(All speaking indistinctly in cockney accents)
Where are my porridge and my turkey leg?
Dude, I don't know what to tell you.
- That's not my dish. - That is your dish.
- No, it's not! - Yes, it-- I'm not washing that dish.
I don't care what you do, Wyclef!
Dude, don't-- don't-- don't start with me, dude.
- What? What do you mean? - I-I-I just found out your name wasn't Maps.
- I thought it was Maps this whole time. - Wh-wh--
Why would it be Maps?
Who names themself after a thing?
You don't wanna make me angry, dude,
'cause when I get angry, I get naked,
and when I get naked, I fight. Bottom line.
- Now I-- - Do you wanna go?
No, I don't wanna fight you naked.
- You're making it real weird right now. - I'm making it real weird?
- All right, busta bust. - Don't call me that.
Why don't you throw your hands where my eyes can see,
which would be in the sink, doing my dishes?
You think I'm supposed to do your dishes 'cause I'm black
and I have dreads?
No, you're supposed to do my dishes because you're black,
- have dreads, and clearly-- - Ha! You just said they were your dishes!
You said they were your dishes.
- You said they were your dishes. - You got me.
- They're your dishes. - You got me. They are my dishes. They are my dishes.
(Both laughing)
Bro, I got you. I knew it!
It's all right, dude. You don't have to clean it up.
- Make someone else clean it up. - Yeah. Screw them, man.
(Laughs)
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com