Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'And now, the crowning glory of the Paralympics -
'The 100m hurdles.'
Great stuff.
Aaagh!
Wendy, wake up!
I'm not trying to get it in. I think there's someone downstairs.
Okey-doke. Death and/or male rape, here I come.
H... Hello?
Shit! Knife!
Aaaaaah!
Darling?!
Dad?
What the fuck are you doing here?
This is my house. We thought you were a burglar.
Oh.
I had a few drinks with Squidge.
Hey, where's Edgar?
Aaaaaah!
Bloody Northern line.
Nightmare.
This is, this is...
Oh, this is a long wait.
'Apologies for the delay,
'there's been a large mouse on the platform
'in Embankment and we're doing everything we can
'to coax it out using large bits of cheese and whatnot.
'Also, there... Oh, yup, here we go.'
Aaaaaah!
I always said that man wasn't good enough for you.
Didn't I, Squidge?
Oh, he is so bombed!
Get your hands off her, boytjie! Fist punch!
Ugh! I... I think there's been a...
Roundhouse kick!
You've got this all wrong!
Spinning move that I just made up myself just now!
Stop!
Owwww!
Wait, wait not in...
Oh!
Hey. I'm your new South African neighbour, Johannes Matunde.
Biltong?
You can't just walk into my house and beat the shit out of my dad!
I knew something was wrong
when I saw that middle-aged lesbian running down the street, screaming.
Yeah. That was my husband.
Ah. That must be very depressing for you.
Did you marry him cos he's rich?
- No. - Funny?
- Mmm... - Big, uh...?
Not so much.
Met him when you were a fatty?
Yeah.
Wendy?
Hello? Can I come in?
I used to look up to you.
Now I look down at you. Because I'm higher up than you.
Wendy. Can I please come in?
I'm sorry and I need to shit.
Spirits of the dead...
Hi.
Our rock band Bloodmonkey's on the rocks.
We're contacting you because we want to be famous.
Bring us the spirit of a great woman to show us the way and make us...
Hey, sis, just saying goodbye. Forever, and stuff. See ya!
Wait, Jason, what?
Dad being such a coward made me question everything.
So I'm running away to find myself.
OK... Where are you going?
I'm going to see the world like people do on gap years.
I'm thinking about going to a colony of lepers in Jakarta.
Apparently it makes you feel really good about the fact that
you don't have leprosy? Bye, sis!
Oh, my God! The Ouija board's moving!
Oh, shit!
I am the ghost of Jade Goody from Big Bruvva and stuff.
Why did they send you?
I'm proof that someone with no qualifications
and no skills can make it.
I got my tits out, got famous, done an auto-bi-geography,
done a perfume, then called someone a poppadom and everyone hated me.
Then I got public cancer and everyone loved me again.
Which goes to show racism is unexpectable,
unless you got a terminal illness, in which case, who fucking cares?
Gentlemen.
This is the dawn of a new era,
and I'm not just talking about the butt plug I recently purchased.
Ken, you wanted to see me?
Not now. We're trying out some of our new confectionery.
Whoever said animal testing is cruel was off their nut.
Look at that hamster eating our delicious liquorice fun string.
He's having a whale of a time!
He's actually just foaming at the mouth, Mr. Lavender.
Well, that's not good.
Edgar, times are tough.
I've spent a shitload of money
hiring Charlie Brooker as my personal jester.
Don't you think TV is rubbish? Aren't I clever?
Basically, TV's crap except, for my TV stuff, which is good. Go away!
Look at his repellent little face!
I'm so glad I have Charlie Brooker
to tell me what to think about stuff.
Anyway, with less money, I had to make some tough decisions.
Although this one was easy. You're fired.
Is this because I ran away?
Because if it is, I've said it before and I'll say it again -
I was really scared.
My mind's made up. But perhaps you'd like some liquorice fun string?
No?
Go on. Go on.
Put it in your mouth.
'Mother and father, by now you've probably realised I've gone.
'I've become a traveller in Thailand,
'seeing things no white teenager has ever seen before.'
'I'll send word soon.'
Now, how on Earth will I send this message from such a remote location?
There's only one solution.
I will send it across the seas by stapling the note to a jellyfish.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Go, little one.
Bring news of my adventures.
Is anybody else feeling really, really high?
No.
Hi, guys. I'm trying to find myself.
Where do I start?
You've come to the right place, brah. Sit down.
We're smoking some weed, talking about our A-levels,
monging supreme.
So, what happens now?
Bruv, you need to slow down.
Now, until you've travelled to at least
three really poor countries,
lived like a king for no money and talked exclusively to other
over-privileged white people you know from school,
you just don't know, man.
Finding yourself is basically just having a really big holiday.
Sssh! Don't say that!
Sorry. I'm so random.
Finding yourself is all about, like, experiences?
Like, when I was in India I had, like, food poisoning?
And I was on this bus? And I was, like, shitting myself?
And I didn't have any toilet paper?
So, like, I paid this guy, like, 10p?
And he, like, cleaned it up for me?
It was, like, seriously hilarious. Oh, my god.
You've got to do it.
Bruv, this gap year's just taught me so much.
Like, my dad put four grand in my account, yeah,
and I went to a panda sanctuary in Cambodia,
and I bought some artillery left over from the Vietnam war,
and I got to blow an entire panda's head off.
It was raw, man.
Whoa!
Yeah, it's a shame about Jack's rape charges,
but he got off - in both senses.
Princess Diana in the house. Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Had some car trouble. Traffic was absolute murder. Get it? Never mind.
Someone called for a great woman?
Bit late, love, I've got this one.
But I'm the people's princess.
Nah,I'mthe people's princess. Fuck you, you poncey, bulimic slut!
Fuck you back, baldy!
The cold is sapping valuable energy.
I need protein to raise my body's core temperature.
When you're in the wild, you do whatever it takes to survive.
I'm sorry, Steve.
Agh! Hi-ya!
Eating Steve raw is going to be good nutrition, and good for morale.
Bad for his wife and three kids. But that's the wild.
Bear Grylls is such a man factory. Just one, I mean, solid man.
Here are your underpants, darling.
I shrunk them but they should fit fine seeing as you've got NO BALLS!
No balls, eh? We'll see about that.
Shit.
Need a hand there, mate?
I just want to be a man.
I want hard, flat tits like you guys.
Is that really what you want?
When you get this muscly, there's no going back.
My neck's so thick I can't move my head.
I have to rotate my entire body
every time I want to look in another direction.
Crossing the road takes hours.
I don't care. I've lost my job, my wife hates me,
and I took a shit in the street the other day. I'll do anything.
Just inject these experimental black market
chocolate-flavoured steroids.
Do they work?
You'll see the difference tomorrow, sausage.
Wow, that is very chocolatey.
Wendy, wake up!
I'm going to make love to you, then you're going to make me breakfast.
MAN breakfast.
Edgar, what are you doing?
I'm your man. Speak when you're spoken to, woman!
But you were speaking to me.
EXACTLY!
Wow, those 'roids are amazing.
And I haven't felt any of
the hormonal side effects they mentioned.
Dad, have you seen my sexy shoes?
Get the fuck out of my hallway, boy!
Wow. I feel great.
It's time to take my life back into my own hands.
With these steroids, I'm all man!
Hey, man, trippy!
Guys, this has been amazing.
I've learned so much about how to make people feel bad about
themselves for not going to other places, but it's time to move on.
Good luck finding yourself!
Maybe I'll never find myself.
Hey, what's that? Whoa!
Oh, my God! You look exactly like me but more Spanishy!
Dios mio!
So we have new animals to test our sweeties on,
and we're very privileged to have Julia,
a gibbon who's been testing product for a well known make-up brand.
♪ I'm hot, I'm funky, I'm an excess junkie
♪ You see me...
I want my job back, Lavender. NOW!
Edgar, you've...changed.
I see from your large muscles and stubble that you're all man.
You're re-hired.
Great. Then let's get back to work.
I, uh, need some sugar.
Oh right, come through...
Here's your sugar, I didn't know if you wanted... SHIT!
In South Africa, we believe in being direct.
Also that black people are inferior.
Put your clothes back on.
That's my man parts. You know you want to.
I don't want to.
Not even if I slap it for you?
What are you doing?
Oh, you like me to slap it.
What if I slap it with your spatula here, you like that?
Look at me, look at me, look at me while I do it!
Ow!
I think you should leave.
Fine. But just so you know, I'm leaving with my dignity.
What the hell?
Why is my dinner not on the table, woman?!
I was getting some sugar for Johannes and I found these.
Johannes? What the hell was he doing here?
Showing you some more Kung Fu moves, was he?
These are poison, Edgar, they change people.
They make them aggressive and irrational.
Shut up! I'm not irrational!
Tell my why Johannes was here!
So in conclusion, this car is probably made by some chink who
should be gang-raped and executed in the pathetically small boot.
What do you think, guy who was in a self-inflicted
and well-deserved accident?
I like cars!
Johannes! No one comes on to my wife and gets away with it!
Especially me! I'm here to fight you!
Which one are you?!
Shit! You're big!
Ah, you're Wendy's husband. The lesbian...
I'm not a lesbian!
You want to fight? Sure. Let's go. If you think you're man enough.
Of course I'm man enough!
I'm a mancastle - whatever that is!
I've got muscles bigger than my own head, look!
Look at them!
Um... Can we reschedule, maybe? Same time tomorrow?
Oh, my God, can you fuck off out of my room?
All I wanted was some advice on how to get famous.
You wanted to meet a great woman, Eve.
I am the Virgin Mary.
The most famous woman in the Western world.
Not bad for a frigid Jew, eh?
The quest for fame will lead you nowhere.
You'll end up like these two, fighting like animals.
You can't try and be someone you're not. Just be yourself.
Thank you, Virgin Mary!
Also, bigger tits never hurt anyone. Am I right girls?
Thank you.
Mine could have been bigger, actually.
Guys! Guys!
All right, Edgar.
Guys, I'm clean out of juice, you need to hook me up with...
juice.... more of it.
They all got stolen.
We were facing t'other way and by the time we turned round,
they'd taken everything.
Damn my gigantic neck!
Oh, shit. I'll have to tell Johannes the fight's off.
And I'm going to have to do it like a man.
Well, Jason. How very strange this all is.
I was flying around the world in my small plane to find myself.
But I think perhaps I have found something better. You.
What do you mean?
When you touch yourself in the night time, this is not gay.
So you and I, we look identical. So if I touch you...
this too is not gay.
I don't understand... what are getting at?
It's not gay if you look exactly the same.
Yeah. Maybe we should go somewhere else.
You have the softest ears.
OK.
Now I have found you, I promise you this - I am never letting you go.
Um, I need the toilet...
No.
But I really need it...
Let me think about it - no.
Well, what if I want to do small stuff...
No.
Like shopping?
No! Or getting a bite to eat...
NO! Never letting you go...
Well, here I go, one man...this man, a man called Edgar...
What are you doing, Dad? Everyone's waiting.
He's going to kill me with his massive South African hands.
I'm going to miss my face.
A great woman once told me, you can't try and be someone you're not.
Just be yourself. Go and talk to him.
How did you get so wise?
I was visited by the spirits of Jade Goody, Princess Diana
and the Virgin Mary.
Well, you're clearly on drugs,
but that was good advice, so I'll let it slide.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
I'm not going to fight you, Johannes.
And not just because you're clearly stronger
and I've run out of steroids.
No more talk, bru.
Kick him, son!
Make him bleed!
No! I've been worrying I wasn't man enough.
But I've realised something - I am a man. Not just biologically.
Emotionally.
Because it takes a man - yes, a real man -
to stand in front of a roomful of people and admits he's been weak.
Only by looking inside yourself can you grow
and become the man that you always wanted to be.
Gaaaaaaay.
Oh, shut up, Dad. I think it was amazing.
Or gay!
You're all the man I need!
So you won't fight me?
I'm afraid not, Johannes.
A true man knows when to admit he's wrong.
No hard feelings - friend?
Gay.
Shit! Ow! No... Pain, more pain there...Ow!
That's the man I married.
Take it, take my fist!
Not the face...
Look.
I'm going to slap you with it!No!
'And now Downton Abbey.'
'Have you seen my candles, Lord Rutherford?'
'You can stick your candles up your arse, Lady McGregorens.'
I'm back from my travels!
We thought you were upstairs.
No, no, I went travelling. To find myself.
Oh, right. That's very far out of you. How was it?
Well, I found myself. But it turns out I'm really clingy.
Did you not get the message I sent?
Because I did staple it to a jellyfish.
Well, I suppose that would work -
if you don't mind waiting thousands of years for the species to
evolve, learn to speak, walk on land and understand complex instructions!
Then we'd get our message!
Greetings. I have come a long way to deliver this message.
"This message is for my ancestors." They died ages ago.
Oh. Would have been nice for someone to tell me, you know.
Before I wasted my journey. You know?
Yeah. Thanks anyway, jellyfish man.
Ha, ha, ha!
And that's what you get when you staple a motherfucking jellyfish.
AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA!
AHAHAHA!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.