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Support for Pawnee Community Radio
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comes from listeners like you
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and from the new film The
Shadows of Seven Heads,
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00:00:07,043 --> 00:00:09,294
the dramic tale of an Israeli soldier
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who falls in love with
conjoined Palestinian sextuplets.
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Out soon from Focus Features.
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Welcome to "Thought For Your Thoughts."
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I'm your host Derry Murbles,
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sitting in for Nina Joplin,
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00:00:21,641 --> 00:00:24,593
who is touring the country
performing a spoken-word opera
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about pear-shaped women.
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My guest today is City Councilwoman
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Leslie Knope.
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It is a pleasure to be back, Derry.
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Your show last week on dolphin lactation
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was just riveting radio.
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Derry, my team and I are
trying to build a park,
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and we need input on the design
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00:00:47,483 --> 00:00:50,268
from you, the citizens of Pawnee.
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So I guess I'm here to
send out the Bat-Signal.
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A Bat-Signal, for listeners
who might not know,
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00:00:56,525 --> 00:01:00,995
refers to the children's
character "the Bat-Man"
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a strong gentleman who
fights crime nocturnally.
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That's correct. Well put.
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This park is going to be
a celebration of Pawnee
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00:01:10,039 --> 00:01:12,790
by Pawnee and for Pawnee.
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So, you know, send in your plan
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or your resume... And quick.
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Please. Hurry.
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This is all gonna fall
apart if you don't hurry.
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Coming up after the break,
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movie reviews with Ken Tucker
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who is filling in for David Bianculli
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00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:31,292
who's in New York
filling in for Ken Tucker.
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Leslie, would you like to
introduce the next segment?
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00:01:34,513 --> 00:01:35,947
Okay.
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"Now it's time for 'Jazz
Plus Jazz Equals Jazz, '
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"today we have a
recording of Benny Goodman
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played over a separate
recording of Miles Davis."
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[Both recordings playing simultaneously]
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Research shows that
our listeners love jazz.
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[Simultaneous music continues] ♪
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[Triumphant music]
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All right, so this is a letter
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from what looks like
a federal penitentiary.
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"Here's a model
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00:02:23,329 --> 00:02:24,895
"of what I thought the
park could look like.
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00:02:24,913 --> 00:02:27,915
Also, I'm innocent.
Please find me a lawyer."
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00:02:27,950 --> 00:02:29,517
I'm getting kind of worried.
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00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:33,037
I mean, we have not received
one usable idea so far.
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00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:34,422
Hang on. Look at this guy.
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00:02:34,456 --> 00:02:36,674
"30 years of experience
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"with a degree in architecture
from the Royal Danish Academy
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00:02:40,245 --> 00:02:41,912
of Fine Arts in Copenhagen."
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Wow! Beautiful fountain.
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Perfectly manicured shrubbery.
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00:02:47,586 --> 00:02:49,354
This is like Parks Department porn.
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00:02:49,388 --> 00:02:51,055
This guy is great.
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00:02:51,089 --> 00:02:53,107
I don't care if he's some
junkie war criminal pimp.
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00:02:53,142 --> 00:02:54,776
I am not gonna change my mind.
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His name's Wreston St.
James. He's from Eagleton.
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Oh, I've changed my mind.
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I'm not being melodramatic when I say
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that people from Eagleton
are snobby and evil,
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and they look down on Pawnee,
and they would most likely
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00:03:04,186 --> 00:03:05,553
exterminate everyone
who isn't from Eagleton
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00:03:05,588 --> 00:03:08,189
if they weren't so busy being
obsessed with themselves.
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00:03:08,224 --> 00:03:10,024
[Exhales] God, that was close.
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00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:11,760
Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton,
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00:03:11,794 --> 00:03:13,661
I forget to breathe, and I pass out.
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No. We cannot have someone from Eagleton
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00:03:15,664 --> 00:03:17,165
design a park for Pawnee.
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00:03:17,199 --> 00:03:20,468
We have had a blood feud
that has lasted for 200 years.
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00:03:20,503 --> 00:03:22,370
Well, we don't have a lot of time,
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00:03:22,404 --> 00:03:24,272
and he is the first decent candidate.
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00:03:24,306 --> 00:03:26,474
So let's at least go meet the guy.
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Yeah, that's a good idea.
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00:03:27,743 --> 00:03:29,310
Then we can reject
him face-to-face.
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I like your plan.
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Friends, former lovers,
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00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:36,584
acquaintances, Jerry,
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00:03:36,619 --> 00:03:39,354
I introduce you to the future home of...
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00:03:42,558 --> 00:03:45,493
Much like women in '90s
stand-up comedy routines,
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Tommy be shopping.
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00:03:47,029 --> 00:03:49,530
I started a business where I
rent my fancy clothes to teens
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00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:51,232
so their parents don't
have to buy them nice things
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they'll just grow out of.
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00:03:52,268 --> 00:03:54,035
So if you see a
14-year-old kid
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00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:56,838
wearing a Louis Vuitton
cravat, you know who to thank.
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00:03:56,872 --> 00:03:58,139
Me.
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00:03:58,174 --> 00:04:00,775
And Louis Vuitton for
making some dope-ass cravats.
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00:04:00,810 --> 00:04:03,211
Son, I love wildlife,
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00:04:03,245 --> 00:04:05,446
but is a store the best place for it?
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- Help.
- The place needs some work,
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00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:10,118
but this is a great location.
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00:04:10,152 --> 00:04:12,754
Lots of foot traffic,
no metered parking.
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00:04:12,788 --> 00:04:14,756
And it's well within my fiscal range.
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00:04:14,790 --> 00:04:16,858
Good use of the word
fiscal, Tommy-- very upscale.
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00:04:16,892 --> 00:04:19,527
Very impressive. Watching
you gives me faith
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00:04:19,562 --> 00:04:21,563
that anyone can reinvent themselves.
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00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:23,147
Tommy Timberlake is dead.
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00:04:23,199 --> 00:04:26,784
Long live Thomas M.
Haverford, responsible tycoon.
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00:04:26,819 --> 00:04:29,904
Help. I can't move.
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00:04:31,957 --> 00:04:34,508
He designed this place? What a dump.
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00:04:34,526 --> 00:04:35,943
Ben! Leslie. Hi!
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00:04:35,961 --> 00:04:37,579
- Hi.
- Wreston St. James.
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00:04:37,613 --> 00:04:40,114
- Thank you so much for coming.
- No, thank you.
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00:04:40,132 --> 00:04:41,633
Well, what do you think
of our newest park?
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00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:45,169
Eh. In a word, underwhelming.
And a little inconvenient.
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00:04:45,221 --> 00:04:46,721
There's no trash cans anywhere.
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What am I supposed
to do with my garbage,
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00:04:48,024 --> 00:04:49,474
- just throw it on the ground?
- Oh, hey.
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00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:51,643
Thank you for the trash!
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00:04:51,677 --> 00:04:53,478
Mr. St. James, I have to say,
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00:04:53,512 --> 00:04:55,430
- this park is incredible.
- Thank you.
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00:04:55,464 --> 00:04:58,516
Its official name is
"Five Mile Grounds",
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00:04:58,567 --> 00:05:01,486
but we like to call it
"Wide smiles abound."
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00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,655
Because of all the smiles that occur?
120
00:05:03,689 --> 00:05:05,806
[Chuckles] It's so boring.
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00:05:05,824 --> 00:05:07,141
Come on, I'll take you
guys on a little tour.
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00:05:07,159 --> 00:05:09,494
Great. He seems super-cool.
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00:05:09,528 --> 00:05:12,330
He seems cool. Just you wait.
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00:05:12,364 --> 00:05:14,002
Well, they always wine
and dine you first,
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00:05:14,016 --> 00:05:15,634
but the fact of the matter is
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00:05:15,668 --> 00:05:17,836
Eagletonians are, without exception,
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00:05:17,871 --> 00:05:19,921
snobby, condescending jerks.
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00:05:19,956 --> 00:05:23,425
This is the Pawnee side of
our border with Eagleton...
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00:05:23,459 --> 00:05:26,344
And this is the Eagleton side.
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00:05:29,181 --> 00:05:31,016
Ah. Uhh.
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00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:32,333
Hey, babe, it's me.
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00:05:32,351 --> 00:05:34,019
Will you come down here,
please, and keep me company?
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00:05:34,053 --> 00:05:35,637
I'm so bored. I need you.
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00:05:35,671 --> 00:05:38,390
If I come down there, can
I at least break something?
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00:05:38,441 --> 00:05:40,108
Of course, baby.
Anything. You know that.
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00:05:40,143 --> 00:05:41,643
Chris gave me this great job
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00:05:41,677 --> 00:05:43,111
as a weekend security
guard at City Hall.
138
00:05:43,146 --> 00:05:45,864
Only one problem--
it's a terrible job.
139
00:05:45,898 --> 00:05:47,783
I did everything I was supposed to do,
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00:05:47,817 --> 00:05:49,301
and I walked around
the building four times.
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00:05:49,335 --> 00:05:50,786
Only 20 minutes has gone by.
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00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:53,020
Ugh! Thought maybe
ten minutes had gone by
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00:05:53,038 --> 00:05:54,489
since I started talking.
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00:05:54,523 --> 00:05:56,041
It's only been 15 seconds.
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00:05:56,075 --> 00:05:59,377
[Deep sigh] Ohh...
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00:05:59,412 --> 00:06:01,129
Oh, babe, thank God you're here.
147
00:06:01,164 --> 00:06:03,548
I got so bored, I started
thinking about existence--
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00:06:03,583 --> 00:06:06,001
"Do I matter? Do any of us?
149
00:06:06,035 --> 00:06:09,054
Is there a master plan in
the works, a grand design?"
150
00:06:09,088 --> 00:06:11,723
- Just dumb stuff like that.
- Ugh! Who cares?
151
00:06:11,757 --> 00:06:13,475
[Sighs] I thought being a security guard
152
00:06:13,509 --> 00:06:14,876
would be exciting.
153
00:06:15,194 --> 00:06:16,478
Nope.
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00:06:17,512 --> 00:06:18,546
Wait a minute.
155
00:06:19,064 --> 00:06:22,350
Isn't this how all great
Bert Macklin cases start?
156
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,721
It's quiet.
157
00:06:28,324 --> 00:06:30,725
A little too quiet.
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00:06:30,743 --> 00:06:33,411
As you can see, we like to
keep things quite immaculate.
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00:06:33,446 --> 00:06:36,698
I remember when Pawnee had
that massive sewage overflow
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00:06:36,732 --> 00:06:38,366
in Circle Park-- whatever
happened with that?
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00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,419
- We totally fixed it.
- Well, except for the smell.
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00:06:41,454 --> 00:06:44,706
The scientists think it's going
to linger for another 40 years.
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00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,925
Can we just cut to the chase here?
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00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:49,544
Why would a fancy
Eagleton architect like you
165
00:06:49,578 --> 00:06:52,547
want to design a tiny Pawnee park?
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00:06:52,581 --> 00:06:54,182
Well, I heard your plea on the radio,
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00:06:54,217 --> 00:06:55,684
and you were so passionate
about the project.
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00:06:55,718 --> 00:06:57,752
It doesn't matter if it's
a giant park like this
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00:06:57,770 --> 00:06:59,354
or a little tiny pocket park.
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00:06:59,388 --> 00:07:00,722
It's about the people.
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00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:02,607
We're here to serve them.
172
00:07:02,642 --> 00:07:04,226
Hey, Mr. St. James!
173
00:07:04,260 --> 00:07:06,027
Oh, our balloon artisan
is out of balloons.
174
00:07:06,062 --> 00:07:07,896
Excuse me.
175
00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:09,865
I have chills. Look at my arm.
176
00:07:09,899 --> 00:07:11,700
Why are you so charmed by him?
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00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:13,935
You're like a Southern belle
when Rhett Butler comes around.
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00:07:13,953 --> 00:07:15,987
Yes. Rhett Butler. That's
who he reminds me of.
179
00:07:16,038 --> 00:07:17,272
Or Bono!
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00:07:17,290 --> 00:07:18,540
What?
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00:07:18,574 --> 00:07:20,292
No one from Eagleton
has ever wanted to help
182
00:07:20,326 --> 00:07:22,911
anyone from Pawnee for any reason.
183
00:07:22,945 --> 00:07:25,113
In 1988, we were hit by a tornado.
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00:07:25,131 --> 00:07:26,665
We asked Eagleton for help,
185
00:07:26,716 --> 00:07:29,050
and they claimed they weren't home.
186
00:07:29,085 --> 00:07:32,954
An entire town claimed
they weren't home.
187
00:07:32,972 --> 00:07:34,422
I don't trust that guy for a second.
188
00:07:34,456 --> 00:07:36,057
Leslie, look what Wreston commissioned
189
00:07:36,092 --> 00:07:37,625
from the balloon artisan.
190
00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:39,127
It's us.
191
00:07:43,744 --> 00:07:45,146
Great work, team.
192
00:07:45,394 --> 00:07:48,146
Donna, you and your work
are ravishing, as usual.
193
00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:50,715
Ann, great organizational skills.
194
00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,717
Wow. Genuine praise.
195
00:07:52,735 --> 00:07:55,486
It's a tip I picked up from
Lee Iacocca's autobiography.
196
00:07:55,521 --> 00:07:57,355
A small connection between
you and your workers
197
00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,389
helps build loyalty.
198
00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:00,908
Jerry! How's the old ticker?
199
00:08:00,943 --> 00:08:02,994
Oh. Well, uh, the
rehab is grueling--
200
00:08:03,028 --> 00:08:04,746
Great! Glad to hear it.
201
00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:06,781
Yo, Roomba, drop a beat!
202
00:08:06,832 --> 00:08:08,566
♪ Hi ho, hi ho
203
00:08:08,584 --> 00:08:10,735
Rent-A-Swag is
gonna be the opposite
204
00:08:10,753 --> 00:08:12,069
of Entertainment720.
205
00:08:12,087 --> 00:08:14,005
This is my last chance.
206
00:08:14,039 --> 00:08:15,923
If this goes down in
flames, I will have nothing
207
00:08:15,958 --> 00:08:17,241
except my looks.
208
00:08:17,259 --> 00:08:20,261
I could always pimp myself
out to hot older ladies.
209
00:08:20,295 --> 00:08:21,746
I need to remember that.
210
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,614
May, 1817.
211
00:08:23,682 --> 00:08:26,017
A scrappy group of
frontiersmen and women
212
00:08:26,051 --> 00:08:28,002
arrive at a hardscrabble chunk of land
213
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:30,522
and call it Pawnee, Indiana.
214
00:08:30,556 --> 00:08:32,023
We owe them a debt of gratitude.
215
00:08:32,057 --> 00:08:35,059
Mm. June, 1817, the richest among them
216
00:08:35,294 --> 00:08:36,694
take all of their money from the bank
217
00:08:36,729 --> 00:08:38,563
and then flee up the hill like cowards
218
00:08:38,614 --> 00:08:40,115
to form Eagleton.
219
00:08:40,149 --> 00:08:44,536
Recognize any of your
ancestors among the meanies?
220
00:08:44,570 --> 00:08:46,738
Actually, like most
people from the area,
221
00:08:46,789 --> 00:08:48,456
I have ancestors on both sides.
222
00:08:48,491 --> 00:08:51,376
That's why I think this
rivalry is just a little silly
223
00:08:51,410 --> 00:08:53,745
- and self-defeating. -
Yeah, you may not know this,
224
00:08:53,796 --> 00:08:56,047
but Leslie was actually
born in Eagleton.
225
00:08:56,081 --> 00:08:58,833
Do not blame me for
the sins of my mother.
226
00:08:58,867 --> 00:09:01,803
Look, Ms. Knope, I'm really trying here,
227
00:09:01,837 --> 00:09:04,172
but I just don't know
if our working together
228
00:09:04,206 --> 00:09:06,040
is such a great idea.
229
00:09:06,058 --> 00:09:07,809
Oh... running away so soon. Typical.
230
00:09:07,843 --> 00:09:09,978
You know, say what you
want about Pawneeans,
231
00:09:10,012 --> 00:09:11,379
but we never give up.
232
00:09:11,397 --> 00:09:14,399
We have a mural called "The
Many Surrenders of Pawnee."
233
00:09:14,433 --> 00:09:16,151
Oh, look who's paying
attention to me now!
234
00:09:16,185 --> 00:09:18,520
Okay. Can I speak to you
privately for a minute?
235
00:09:20,272 --> 00:09:22,106
The name is special agent Bert Macklin.
236
00:09:22,158 --> 00:09:23,942
Tell me who you are, who you work for,
237
00:09:23,993 --> 00:09:25,443
and don't bother trying to lie to me,
238
00:09:25,494 --> 00:09:26,661
because I'm amazing.
239
00:09:26,695 --> 00:09:28,329
[Accent] My name is Judy Hitler,
240
00:09:28,364 --> 00:09:30,698
and I am the spoiled
only daughter of Adolf.
241
00:09:31,232 --> 00:09:32,617
And I'm going to tell my Daddy
242
00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:34,869
you were mean to me, Bert Macklin.
243
00:09:34,903 --> 00:09:36,571
He's not going to like it very much.
244
00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:39,174
- So untie me!
- Nice try, Miss Hitler,
245
00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:41,125
but you have something that I want.
246
00:09:41,177 --> 00:09:43,428
Where's the necklace with
all of Germany's war secrets?
247
00:09:43,462 --> 00:09:45,346
I don't know what you are talking about.
248
00:09:45,381 --> 00:09:47,265
- I think you do!
- I don't!
249
00:09:47,299 --> 00:09:49,417
[Thud]
250
00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:51,636
Now, you give me that
war-ending necklace,
251
00:09:51,687 --> 00:09:53,354
or I will resort to torture.
252
00:09:53,389 --> 00:09:56,608
Fine. I will show you
where it is, damn it.
253
00:09:57,342 --> 00:09:58,693
You're too good, Macklin.
254
00:09:59,227 --> 00:10:00,278
Don't you do it, Hitler.
255
00:10:00,312 --> 00:10:02,447
Don't you dare fall in love with me.
256
00:10:04,666 --> 00:10:06,818
Oh, Hitler, you sexy bastard. No!
257
00:10:06,869 --> 00:10:10,121
- Yes!
- Mm...Mm!
258
00:10:10,155 --> 00:10:13,608
Aah!
259
00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:16,544
I am just filled to
the brim with questions.
260
00:10:16,579 --> 00:10:17,912
Why are you using this wood?
261
00:10:17,946 --> 00:10:20,381
Is it more pliable? What
are these metal latches?
262
00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:22,667
Are they copper or brass? Is one better?
263
00:10:22,718 --> 00:10:24,552
And if so, why?
264
00:10:24,587 --> 00:10:27,338
If I tell you, then you
won't have learned anything.
265
00:10:27,389 --> 00:10:28,723
[Laughs]
266
00:10:28,757 --> 00:10:30,791
Another in a long line of lessons
267
00:10:30,809 --> 00:10:33,061
from the great Ron Swanson.
268
00:10:33,095 --> 00:10:34,762
My therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard,
269
00:10:34,796 --> 00:10:38,766
suggested that I try some
non-exercise-based hobbies.
270
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,935
So I've been studying
woodworking with Ron.
271
00:10:42,169 --> 00:10:43,621
I made this.
272
00:10:44,155 --> 00:10:46,974
Before I started, it was bigger.
273
00:10:46,992 --> 00:10:50,328
Here. I have designed
something very important.
274
00:10:50,362 --> 00:10:52,280
Why don't you start
work on that right away?
275
00:10:52,314 --> 00:10:53,615
Yes, sir!
276
00:10:53,649 --> 00:10:57,818
It's a flight of stairs
that leads to nowhere.
277
00:10:57,836 --> 00:10:59,037
Were you listening to him
278
00:10:59,088 --> 00:11:01,005
when he was talking
about serving the public
279
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,990
and making our communities better?
280
00:11:03,008 --> 00:11:04,876
You know who he sounds like, right?
281
00:11:04,927 --> 00:11:06,044
Yes. Idi Amin.
282
00:11:06,095 --> 00:11:08,096
- Or Lord Voldemort.
- No. You.
283
00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:09,830
Now, you've been very rude to him,
284
00:11:09,848 --> 00:11:11,966
and you need to apologize.
285
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,885
Ha ha ha. You are a laugh riot, Ben.
286
00:11:13,936 --> 00:11:16,304
I am never going to apologize
to someone from Eagleton.
287
00:11:16,338 --> 00:11:17,805
All right. So you can kiss your park
288
00:11:17,839 --> 00:11:19,440
and four years of work good-bye.
289
00:11:19,475 --> 00:11:20,475
Up to you.
290
00:11:21,509 --> 00:11:22,810
Come on. You can do it.
291
00:11:22,844 --> 00:11:24,312
- I don't want
to. - You can--
292
00:11:24,646 --> 00:11:26,282
You can do it.
293
00:11:27,316 --> 00:11:28,816
Mr. St. James,
294
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:30,868
this has been a strange day.
295
00:11:30,903 --> 00:11:32,186
But we wouldn't want to leave you
296
00:11:32,204 --> 00:11:33,488
with the wrong impression of Pawnee.
297
00:11:34,022 --> 00:11:36,157
Have you guys seen Hitler?
298
00:11:39,211 --> 00:11:41,362
Anyway, we would love
299
00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:43,631
to have you design the park,
300
00:11:43,666 --> 00:11:45,216
and in the spirit of reconciliation,
301
00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:47,502
Leslie would like to apologize.
302
00:11:47,536 --> 00:11:49,503
I may have allowed my prejudices,
303
00:11:49,537 --> 00:11:53,374
my totally legitimate
prejudices against Eagleton
304
00:11:53,392 --> 00:11:55,977
affect my feelings towards your
involvement in this project,
305
00:11:56,011 --> 00:11:57,228
and so therefore,
306
00:11:57,262 --> 00:11:59,148
I would like to
say that I'm--
307
00:12:00,182 --> 00:12:02,233
I'm...
308
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:04,652
I'm Leslie Knope.
309
00:12:04,687 --> 00:12:05,237
[Laughs]
310
00:12:05,687 --> 00:12:06,637
No.
311
00:12:06,671 --> 00:12:08,022
That's not what I want to say. Okay.
312
00:12:08,056 --> 00:12:09,023
[Slapping face]
313
00:12:09,057 --> 00:12:10,891
I'm...
314
00:12:10,909 --> 00:12:13,194
Sss...
315
00:12:13,228 --> 00:12:15,363
My mouth is kinda dry.
316
00:12:15,897 --> 00:12:17,732
My mouth is dry. This is Canada Dry.
317
00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:20,168
Drink Canada Dry if your mouth is dry.
318
00:12:20,202 --> 00:12:22,837
That's nothing. What I want to say is
319
00:12:22,871 --> 00:12:24,622
I'm s...
320
00:12:24,673 --> 00:12:26,207
I'm sor...
321
00:12:26,241 --> 00:12:27,575
I'm
sor--
322
00:12:27,593 --> 00:12:29,577
He's a human being.
You're a human being.
323
00:12:29,595 --> 00:12:31,245
You can just--
just say--
324
00:12:31,263 --> 00:12:32,913
I'm
sor--
325
00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:34,382
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
326
00:12:34,416 --> 00:12:35,683
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
327
00:12:35,718 --> 00:12:37,719
I'm sorry that I--
I'm sorry, very sorry,
328
00:12:38,353 --> 00:12:39,437
that I was rude.
329
00:12:41,056 --> 00:12:42,557
- It's too soon.
- You know what,
330
00:12:42,591 --> 00:12:44,892
as a gesture of good will,
I'd like to waive my fee.
331
00:12:44,926 --> 00:12:46,611
I'll design the park pro bono.
332
00:12:47,445 --> 00:12:48,312
Thank you.
333
00:12:48,364 --> 00:12:50,097
That's very nice of
you. I've been working up
334
00:12:50,115 --> 00:12:52,700
a little model of the design.
Why don't I bring it over,
335
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:54,068
and we can all go through it together.
336
00:12:54,102 --> 00:12:56,037
Great. And then you
can come to our wedding.
337
00:12:56,071 --> 00:12:57,438
- Huh?
- What?
338
00:12:57,456 --> 00:12:58,773
It's in May, and we
haven't planned it yet,
339
00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:00,242
but save the date.
340
00:13:02,378 --> 00:13:03,945
[Accent] I was never here.
341
00:13:05,463 --> 00:13:07,782
- Ah!
- Aah!
342
00:13:09,801 --> 00:13:10,752
Well done, team.
343
00:13:11,686 --> 00:13:12,620
What do you think of the place?
344
00:13:12,638 --> 00:13:14,922
Do you really like this yellow paint?
345
00:13:14,956 --> 00:13:16,057
I mean, I know it was on sale,
346
00:13:16,091 --> 00:13:17,958
but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
347
00:13:17,976 --> 00:13:19,727
For real, Tom. This place is sad.
348
00:13:19,762 --> 00:13:22,897
I think one of the mannequins
tried to commit suicide.
349
00:13:22,931 --> 00:13:24,315
I think what's important
is we all had a goal,
350
00:13:24,349 --> 00:13:25,767
and we achieved it.
351
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:28,686
- So you like the place?
- Oh, no, it's quite terrible.
352
00:13:28,737 --> 00:13:30,238
This is the best I can do for now.
353
00:13:30,272 --> 00:13:32,573
And I'm $46 under budget.
354
00:13:32,608 --> 00:13:34,192
Now I have a small treat for you guys
355
00:13:34,243 --> 00:13:35,526
for all your hard work.
356
00:13:35,577 --> 00:13:37,945
Pizza party!
357
00:13:37,979 --> 00:13:39,997
One small pizza for all of us.
358
00:13:40,032 --> 00:13:41,416
With no toppings.
359
00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:42,867
Cheese is a topping, Jerry.
360
00:13:43,418 --> 00:13:45,319
And why are these lights
blaring, by the way?
361
00:13:45,337 --> 00:13:47,922
Does someone here own stock
in the electric company?
362
00:13:50,591 --> 00:13:52,794
If there were more
food and fewer people,
363
00:13:52,828 --> 00:13:54,929
this would be a perfect party.
364
00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:56,597
- [Laughing]
- You can't run, Hitler.
365
00:13:56,632 --> 00:13:58,549
82nd airborne is everywhere!
366
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,301
History channel.
367
00:14:00,835 --> 00:14:02,036
Ho ho ho!
368
00:14:02,170 --> 00:14:03,003
What is this?
369
00:14:03,021 --> 00:14:06,107
A child spy, sent to steal the necklace?
370
00:14:06,141 --> 00:14:08,476
Bert Macklin, FBI! Freeze!
371
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,311
I didn't do anything!
372
00:14:10,345 --> 00:14:12,230
- Yeah, bad call, Bert.
- Oh.
373
00:14:12,281 --> 00:14:13,781
Oh, hey, I'm just kidding, buddy.
374
00:14:13,816 --> 00:14:16,317
I'm just playing around.
My name's really Andy Dwyer.
375
00:14:16,351 --> 00:14:17,151
I'm a security guard.
376
00:14:17,185 --> 00:14:19,070
- What's your name?
- Joey.
377
00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:21,856
I was with my mom, and I got lost.
378
00:14:21,874 --> 00:14:23,241
Oh. Well, gosh, don't worry about that.
379
00:14:23,292 --> 00:14:25,493
I've gotten lost here about 500 times,
380
00:14:25,527 --> 00:14:26,911
and I work here.
381
00:14:26,962 --> 00:14:28,880
What do you say we
go find your mom, huh?
382
00:14:31,816 --> 00:14:33,417
She's not in there. I'll bet.
383
00:14:33,469 --> 00:14:35,253
Let's try this way.
384
00:14:35,304 --> 00:14:36,504
Hello?
385
00:14:36,538 --> 00:14:38,539
Ms. Knope, Mr. Wyatt?
386
00:14:38,557 --> 00:14:40,174
We're from Wreston St. James' firm.
387
00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:41,592
Oh, hey, come on in.
388
00:14:41,643 --> 00:14:42,977
Where's Wreston?
389
00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:44,679
He's on his way. He
wanted us to get started.
390
00:14:44,713 --> 00:14:48,015
Aw! Oh, well. Okay, I guess go ahead.
391
00:14:48,049 --> 00:14:51,051
We present the Crown Jewel of Pawnee
392
00:14:51,769 --> 00:14:55,523
containing the sights,
sounds, and most importantly,
393
00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:57,658
smells that define your city.
394
00:14:57,693 --> 00:14:58,943
There are several drool buckets
395
00:14:58,994 --> 00:15:00,778
for your more... slack-jawed citizens.
396
00:15:00,829 --> 00:15:03,331
We also have food troughs
full of cheeseburgers
397
00:15:03,365 --> 00:15:05,199
and public showers
398
00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:08,369
with instructions for those
who've never showered before.
399
00:15:08,403 --> 00:15:10,404
You have five seconds
to get out of here...
400
00:15:10,922 --> 00:15:13,073
Or I will rip your throats out.
401
00:15:13,091 --> 00:15:14,959
Out. Now.
402
00:15:15,010 --> 00:15:18,913
Oh, hey, my backyard is
bigger than your park.
403
00:15:18,931 --> 00:15:21,081
[Both laughing] Leslie,
stay back, stay back.
404
00:15:26,056 --> 00:15:29,243
I told you that Eagletonians
are awful, terrible people.
405
00:15:29,244 --> 00:15:31,995
They call their boogers Pawnee caviar.
406
00:15:32,046 --> 00:15:33,247
I'm on your side,
407
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:35,148
and I'm furious too.
408
00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:37,301
But this just doesn't make sense to me.
409
00:15:37,335 --> 00:15:38,818
I'm gonna talk to Wreston,
410
00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:40,404
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
411
00:15:40,438 --> 00:15:41,705
Any excuse to talk to Wreston.
412
00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:43,757
Well, I am gonna think
about a revenge plan.
413
00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:44,925
I know what we're gonna do.
414
00:15:44,959 --> 00:15:46,043
We're gonna find out where he lives.
415
00:15:46,094 --> 00:15:47,427
We're gonna drive to his house.
416
00:15:47,462 --> 00:15:48,995
We're gonna set it on
fire and watch it burn.
417
00:15:49,013 --> 00:15:50,330
Leslie, we can't do that.
418
00:15:50,348 --> 00:15:53,684
You're right. We can't.
419
00:15:55,102 --> 00:15:57,253
All right, so...
420
00:15:57,271 --> 00:15:59,088
Does this look familiar?
421
00:15:59,106 --> 00:16:01,591
- No, not at all.
- I was talking to Joey.
422
00:16:01,609 --> 00:16:02,943
- Joey!
- Mommy!
423
00:16:02,977 --> 00:16:04,060
There you are.
424
00:16:04,094 --> 00:16:06,480
Oh, God, I was so worried.
425
00:16:06,531 --> 00:16:08,031
Thank you so much.
426
00:16:08,065 --> 00:16:09,649
You'll never know how
much I appreciate it.
427
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:12,435
Well, just doing my job, ma'am.
428
00:16:12,453 --> 00:16:13,987
Thank you for saving me, Andy.
429
00:16:14,038 --> 00:16:16,122
Thank you, too, miss Hitler.
430
00:16:16,157 --> 00:16:17,874
- What?
- Don't worry about it.
431
00:16:18,309 --> 00:16:20,827
Wow. You made those losers very happy.
432
00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:22,445
Oh, no, I didn't.
433
00:16:22,463 --> 00:16:24,113
- Bert Macklin did.
- No...
434
00:16:24,131 --> 00:16:25,549
- FBI.
- Actually,
435
00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:28,385
Bert Macklin kinda made
that little boy cry.
436
00:16:28,419 --> 00:16:31,621
Well, he's a rogue agent who
refuses to play by the rules.
437
00:16:31,639 --> 00:16:34,057
Seriously, I think Andy
Dwyer makes a better real cop
438
00:16:34,091 --> 00:16:36,259
than Bert Macklin. Maybe
it's time for Bert Macklin
439
00:16:36,293 --> 00:16:38,013
to hang up his shades.
440
00:16:40,898 --> 00:16:42,649
Can I get you something to drink?
441
00:16:42,684 --> 00:16:44,768
Iced tea, please. And can I ask you,
442
00:16:44,819 --> 00:16:46,853
how are there palm trees here?
443
00:16:46,887 --> 00:16:48,488
Well, Eagleton lies
on top of a hot spring
444
00:16:48,523 --> 00:16:50,774
which creates a micro-climate zone.
445
00:16:50,825 --> 00:16:53,327
We are...[Chuckles] truly blessed.
446
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:56,896
God, I'm so sorry I'm late.
447
00:16:56,914 --> 00:16:58,532
What the hell happened, man?
448
00:16:58,566 --> 00:17:01,067
I had nothing to do
with that stupid prank.
449
00:17:01,085 --> 00:17:02,502
In fact, that's why I'm late.
450
00:17:02,537 --> 00:17:04,087
I was firing the two
people who were responsible,
451
00:17:04,122 --> 00:17:05,706
and I was escorting
them out of the building.
452
00:17:05,740 --> 00:17:07,207
Well...Good!
453
00:17:07,241 --> 00:17:08,959
Full disclosure: Certain
people in the firm
454
00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:11,878
wanted to promote them, but
I insisted they be fired.
455
00:17:11,912 --> 00:17:13,913
If you swear to me that you're serious,
456
00:17:13,931 --> 00:17:15,382
maybe we can salvage this.
457
00:17:15,416 --> 00:17:18,918
I would really love to.
But what about Leslie?
458
00:17:18,936 --> 00:17:20,587
I just doubt that she can ever get over
459
00:17:20,605 --> 00:17:21,972
the bad blood between our towns.
460
00:17:22,023 --> 00:17:23,223
I think you're wrong.
461
00:17:23,257 --> 00:17:25,192
Leslie is a very forgiving person.
462
00:17:25,226 --> 00:17:26,760
Revenge! Ha ha hal
463
00:17:26,778 --> 00:17:30,314
This is for Pawnee, you
butt-faced pompous jerk!
464
00:17:30,365 --> 00:17:32,098
Whoo!
465
00:17:32,116 --> 00:17:33,283
I love you, Ben.
466
00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:34,701
Pawnee forever!
467
00:17:34,736 --> 00:17:37,571
You want a stupid tie?
I'll give you a stupid tie.
468
00:17:37,605 --> 00:17:40,324
Ha ha! Wreston, suck it.
469
00:17:40,375 --> 00:17:42,075
- Now we're even.
- Leslie.
470
00:17:42,109 --> 00:17:43,794
- Huh?
- He didn't do it,
471
00:17:43,828 --> 00:17:45,629
and he fired the people who did.
472
00:17:49,550 --> 00:17:50,751
[Cans clatter on ground]
473
00:17:50,785 --> 00:17:52,336
[Running footsteps]
474
00:17:52,387 --> 00:17:54,621
Attention, please.
475
00:17:54,639 --> 00:17:56,173
I've been going over the books,
476
00:17:56,224 --> 00:17:58,725
and I'm missing $9.
477
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,960
Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it.
478
00:18:00,978 --> 00:18:02,179
Just come forward.
479
00:18:02,230 --> 00:18:03,897
You'll be served with a lawsuit,
480
00:18:03,931 --> 00:18:06,132
and we will move on with our lives.
481
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:09,135
Hey, buddy, let's go
get some breakfast, okay?
482
00:18:09,153 --> 00:18:11,071
Fine. It was your
idea, so you're paying.
483
00:18:11,105 --> 00:18:12,972
You're driving. I'm
not chipping in for gas.
484
00:18:12,990 --> 00:18:14,025
Okay. All right.
485
00:18:15,576 --> 00:18:17,110
I'll have the pancake breakfast.
486
00:18:17,144 --> 00:18:19,329
Oh, let me also get 12 eggs, uncooked,
487
00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:21,030
and some toast.
488
00:18:21,081 --> 00:18:23,483
20 slices, untoasted, in a row in a bag.
489
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:25,619
You want a carton of
eggs and a loaf of bread.
490
00:18:25,653 --> 00:18:27,654
Yeah, just the pancake
breakfast is fine.
491
00:18:28,072 --> 00:18:30,290
Don't offer to pay if
you're gonna be cheap.
492
00:18:30,324 --> 00:18:32,542
Listen, man, I know you don't
want to repeat the mistakes
493
00:18:32,593 --> 00:18:34,211
of Entertainment 720, and that's great,
494
00:18:34,262 --> 00:18:36,263
but you're gonna need a
little bit of the old Tom
495
00:18:36,297 --> 00:18:37,547
to make this business work.
496
00:18:37,598 --> 00:18:39,633
No. That Tom ruined everything.
497
00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:40,967
Yes, he did,
498
00:18:41,001 --> 00:18:43,854
and that Tom made you
a horrible boyfriend
499
00:18:43,888 --> 00:18:46,673
and a terrible employee
and drove you to bankruptcy.
500
00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:48,442
Are we nearing the point?
501
00:18:48,476 --> 00:18:50,110
But your swagger and your showmanship
502
00:18:50,144 --> 00:18:51,778
and your confidence is part of you,
503
00:18:51,813 --> 00:18:53,480
and in small doses, it can help.
504
00:18:53,514 --> 00:18:55,649
You can't have Rent-A-Swag
without the swag.
505
00:18:55,683 --> 00:18:58,952
I barely have enough cash
to get everything set up.
506
00:18:58,986 --> 00:19:00,404
I know. Take this.
507
00:19:00,455 --> 00:19:03,690
We all chipped in. Use
it to spruce up the store.
508
00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:05,075
And in return you can give us
509
00:19:05,126 --> 00:19:06,793
like one share of stock in the company.
510
00:19:07,328 --> 00:19:09,529
Like a mini public offering.
511
00:19:09,797 --> 00:19:11,698
"Smort", Ann. Smort.
512
00:19:11,716 --> 00:19:12,966
This is a cause for celebration.
513
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,219
Waiter! Eight strips of bacon, uncooked,
514
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:18,055
in a sealed package.
515
00:19:19,306 --> 00:19:21,425
I call it the Pawnee Commons,
516
00:19:21,476 --> 00:19:23,427
a celebration of Pawnee's
history and people.
517
00:19:23,478 --> 00:19:26,062
A Wamapoke-themed playground...
518
00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:28,498
Food trucks from local restaurants,
519
00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:30,167
Li'l Sebastian fountain.
520
00:19:30,201 --> 00:19:32,235
- I mean, it's perfect.
- Thank you.
521
00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:33,703
I can't see myself fighting you
522
00:19:33,738 --> 00:19:36,022
on more than 60% of these ideas.
523
00:19:36,056 --> 00:19:38,275
I'd expect no less. I'm
just glad you like it.
524
00:19:38,326 --> 00:19:39,326
I've never met two people
525
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,495
more passionate about their hometown.
526
00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,280
Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.
527
00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:44,948
Why do you know so much about Pawnee?
528
00:19:44,999 --> 00:19:47,901
Well, I'm in love
with a woman from here.
529
00:19:47,919 --> 00:19:51,204
A strange, passionate,
goof ball of a woman.
530
00:19:51,238 --> 00:19:52,274
[Giggles]
531
00:19:52,338 --> 00:19:53,874
Me. He's in love with me.
532
00:19:57,711 --> 00:19:59,412
I'm sorry to see you go, Macklin.
533
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,932
You didn't always play by the rules,
534
00:20:01,966 --> 00:20:04,184
but damn it, you were
a hell of an agent.
535
00:20:04,218 --> 00:20:06,720
Today I say good-bye to the
only life I've ever known.
536
00:20:07,054 --> 00:20:09,222
Well, some of the boys chipped in
537
00:20:09,256 --> 00:20:10,792
and we got you...
538
00:20:11,356 --> 00:20:12,592
This.
539
00:20:13,110 --> 00:20:16,146
It isn't much, but it's
something to remember us by.
540
00:20:18,282 --> 00:20:22,068
40 years undercover. I
never even met my family.
541
00:20:22,102 --> 00:20:23,987
- What?
- And this is all I have
542
00:20:24,038 --> 00:20:26,239
to show for it?
543
00:20:26,773 --> 00:20:27,908
Totally worth it.
544
00:20:28,942 --> 00:20:30,827
It's been a pleasure
serving with you, son.
545
00:20:30,878 --> 00:20:32,746
If you ever need me, you
know where to find me--
546
00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:35,382
In bed next to you,
probably having sex with you.
547
00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:38,835
[Triggers cock]
548
00:20:38,886 --> 00:20:39,836
[21 gun salute]
549
00:20:39,887 --> 00:20:41,471
[Shell casings clatter]
550
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:43,790
[Gunshots, casings clattering]
551
00:20:43,791 --> 00:20:45,743
[Gunshots, clattering]
552
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:50,213
Welcome to the
new new Rent-A-Swag
553
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,331
now with 30% more swag.
554
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:54,167
I used the money you guys gave me
555
00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:55,668
to add a little flair,
556
00:20:55,670 --> 00:20:57,403
and I took everything I own in my house
557
00:20:57,405 --> 00:20:58,838
and brought it here, except for my bed.
558
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,006
I basically live here now.
559
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:01,407
I hate all of this,
560
00:21:01,409 --> 00:21:03,677
which probably means it's
good for your business.
561
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:07,747
Ron, my woodworking project--
it's for displaying shoes!
562
00:21:07,749 --> 00:21:10,383
Yes. That was always the plan.
563
00:21:10,385 --> 00:21:11,552
All right,
Rent-A-Swag team,
564
00:21:11,554 --> 00:21:14,521
I have one more little
surprise for you--pizza party!
565
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:15,939
- Part Two.
- Oh, wow!
566
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,775
Two pizzas. And toppings!
567
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:21,492
Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg.
568
00:21:21,493 --> 00:21:22,492
Eat up, chumps.