1
00:00:02,443 --> 00:00:06,496
Is anyone else troubled by
the Spider-Man theme song?
2
00:00:06,498 --> 00:00:08,665
Why would it trouble you?
3
00:00:08,667 --> 00:00:10,984
It's, like, your third favorite
cartoon theme song.
4
00:00:10,986 --> 00:00:12,636
It is, right behind
5
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:15,672
♪ Do do-do do-do,
Inspector Gadget... ♪
6
00:00:16,624 --> 00:00:19,793
...and ♪ Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles ♪
7
00:00:19,795 --> 00:00:21,211
♪ Heroes in a half-shell
8
00:00:21,213 --> 00:00:23,730
WOLOWITZ and KOOTHRAPPALI:
♪ Turtle power!
9
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,566
However, the Spider-Man lyrics
posit that
10
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,886
"Spider-Man, Spider-Man
does whatever a spider can."
11
00:00:29,888 --> 00:00:31,271
Yeah, so?
12
00:00:31,273 --> 00:00:33,390
I can think of many things
Spider-Man can't do
13
00:00:33,392 --> 00:00:35,092
that a spider can.
14
00:00:35,094 --> 00:00:37,561
One: crawl in your ear and die.
15
00:00:38,613 --> 00:00:41,515
Two: legally leave Guatemala
without a passport.
16
00:00:42,483 --> 00:00:44,868
Three: have sex with a spider.
17
00:00:46,154 --> 00:00:47,371
Can we change the subject?
18
00:00:47,373 --> 00:00:50,240
Spiders give me
the jeebie-jeebies.
19
00:00:50,242 --> 00:00:53,043
It's "heebie-jeebies."
20
00:00:53,045 --> 00:00:56,246
I know, but that sounds
anti-Semitic.
21
00:00:57,364 --> 00:00:58,582
Anyway, I was thinking
22
00:00:58,584 --> 00:01:00,667
we could have a little
film festival tonight.
23
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:03,670
The theme: movies that killed
their franchises.
24
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:04,938
Oh.
25
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:08,475
Like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4,
Daredevil 1.
26
00:01:08,477 --> 00:01:09,593
(chuckles)
27
00:01:09,595 --> 00:01:14,147
Miss Congeniality 2:
Armed and Fabulous.
28
00:01:14,149 --> 00:01:16,483
I mean, you know a movie's bad
29
00:01:16,485 --> 00:01:19,186
when my homegirl Sandy B.
can't save it.
30
00:01:19,188 --> 00:01:22,272
Penny's working tonight;
I'm in.
31
00:01:22,274 --> 00:01:24,091
Not me.
I'm having dinner
32
00:01:24,093 --> 00:01:25,892
with Bernadette and her parents.
33
00:01:25,894 --> 00:01:27,944
Fun. We know how much
you love that.
34
00:01:27,946 --> 00:01:28,912
It's torture.
35
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,414
Especially with her dad.
36
00:01:30,416 --> 00:01:31,915
We have nothing in common.
37
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,734
You know what I like to do
when I'm forced to speak
38
00:01:34,736 --> 00:01:37,704
with those beneath my
intellectual station?
39
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:39,873
I bring up an
interesting topic,
40
00:01:39,875 --> 00:01:44,177
like the difference between
Spider-Man and spiders.
41
00:01:45,579 --> 00:01:46,630
Thanks, Sheldon.
42
00:01:46,632 --> 00:01:48,265
I'll try that
with my father-in-law.
43
00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:49,516
No, you can't
use that one.
44
00:01:49,518 --> 00:01:50,517
That's mine.
45
00:01:50,519 --> 00:01:52,219
Uh, try this one
for an ice-breaker.
46
00:01:52,221 --> 00:01:55,222
Uh, despite popular
lore, there is no place
47
00:01:55,224 --> 00:01:57,924
in the continental United
States, Alaska or Hawaii
48
00:01:57,926 --> 00:02:00,927
from which one can dig straight
through the center of the earth
49
00:02:00,929 --> 00:02:02,428
and come up in China.
50
00:02:04,232 --> 00:02:05,949
Great, thank you.
51
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:07,701
Actually, you can't
have that one either.
52
00:02:07,703 --> 00:02:09,035
It's too good. Sorry.
53
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:10,604
What about you, Sheldon?
54
00:02:10,606 --> 00:02:11,788
Do you have any plans tonight?
55
00:02:11,790 --> 00:02:13,457
Sadly, yes.
56
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:15,842
Amy's taking me
to a memorial service.
57
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,561
It's for one of
her colleagues
58
00:02:17,563 --> 00:02:20,964
who is of Asian descent, so
my planned conversational gambit
59
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,467
is to casually remark
that no matter how deep
60
00:02:23,469 --> 00:02:27,504
they dig his grave, he'll never
make his way back to China.
61
00:02:29,290 --> 00:02:31,791
That should lighten the mood.
62
00:02:31,793 --> 00:02:32,859
What can I say?
63
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,895
I put the "fun" in funeral.
64
00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:39,516
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
65
00:02:39,518 --> 00:02:42,853
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
66
00:02:42,855 --> 00:02:44,488
♪ The Earth began to cool
67
00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:47,023
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
68
00:02:47,025 --> 00:02:49,709
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
69
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,362
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
70
00:02:52,364 --> 00:02:54,281
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
71
00:02:54,283 --> 00:02:56,233
♪ Bang! ♪
72
00:02:56,258 --> 00:03:00,258
♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x10 ♪
The Fish Guts Displacement
Original Air Date on December 6, 2012
73
00:03:00,283 --> 00:03:04,283
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
74
00:03:04,722 --> 00:03:07,724
Amy. Amy.
75
00:03:07,726 --> 00:03:10,276
Oh, right, funeral.
76
00:03:10,278 --> 00:03:12,112
(lower):
Amy.
77
00:03:13,998 --> 00:03:15,782
Hello, Sheldon.
78
00:03:15,784 --> 00:03:18,234
I'm not allowed to wear
my Silver Surfer neck tie,
79
00:03:18,236 --> 00:03:20,920
but you can wear a bathrobe?
80
00:03:20,922 --> 00:03:23,256
I think I'm too sick
to go to the funeral.
81
00:03:23,258 --> 00:03:24,741
You're sick?
82
00:03:24,743 --> 00:03:26,209
You poor kid.
83
00:03:26,211 --> 00:03:27,427
Well, see ya.
84
00:03:28,929 --> 00:03:31,381
Sheldon, aren't you
gonna take care of me?
85
00:03:31,383 --> 00:03:32,465
Me?
86
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:35,301
No. No, I'm not
that kind of doctor.
87
00:03:35,303 --> 00:03:38,271
But our relationship agreement
clearly states
88
00:03:38,273 --> 00:03:41,424
that when one of us is sick, the
other must take care of them.
89
00:03:41,426 --> 00:03:43,777
Oh, I see the
confusion.
90
00:03:43,779 --> 00:03:46,563
No, the intent
behind that clause
91
00:03:46,565 --> 00:03:50,950
was to force you to take
care of me when I'm ill.
92
00:03:50,952 --> 00:03:53,703
When you're feeling better,
you'll think that's funny.
93
00:03:57,575 --> 00:03:59,492
Never mind. Good night, Sheldon.
94
00:04:09,587 --> 00:04:13,456
Amy. Amy. Amy.
95
00:04:15,459 --> 00:04:16,810
I made a commitment in writing
96
00:04:16,812 --> 00:04:18,895
to comfort you
in times like this.
97
00:04:18,897 --> 00:04:20,814
Additionally, you are
my girlfriend,
98
00:04:20,816 --> 00:04:22,899
and I care about
your well-being.
99
00:04:24,735 --> 00:04:26,352
Thank you, Sheldon.
100
00:04:26,354 --> 00:04:27,520
You're welcome.
101
00:04:27,522 --> 00:04:29,155
Now let's get this over with.
102
00:04:35,029 --> 00:04:37,247
(sighs)
103
00:04:42,086 --> 00:04:44,120
So, how have
you been?
104
00:04:44,122 --> 00:04:45,939
Fine.
105
00:04:45,941 --> 00:04:48,124
Good.
106
00:04:48,126 --> 00:04:50,343
Fine is good.
107
00:04:50,345 --> 00:04:52,562
(sighs)
108
00:04:58,969 --> 00:05:00,470
How you liking retirement?
109
00:05:00,472 --> 00:05:02,839
It's fine.
110
00:05:04,675 --> 00:05:06,008
I'm sensing a theme.
111
00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:08,595
(chuckles)
112
00:05:11,415 --> 00:05:16,453
You ever really think about
the Spider-Man theme song?
113
00:05:18,088 --> 00:05:20,423
How's that dinner coming?
114
00:05:20,425 --> 00:05:22,375
I just put it in.
It's gonna be a while.
115
00:05:22,377 --> 00:05:23,860
I like rare chicken.
116
00:05:23,862 --> 00:05:25,879
Let's do this.
117
00:05:25,881 --> 00:05:27,864
You could die.
118
00:05:31,836 --> 00:05:33,837
Death by chicken.
(chuckles)
119
00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,390
That's a pretty "fowl" way
to go.
120
00:05:42,263 --> 00:05:44,230
Here's another
beer, honey.
121
00:05:44,232 --> 00:05:46,048
Thank you.
122
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:49,719
So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took
that trip to the Grand Canyon.
123
00:05:49,721 --> 00:05:50,887
How was it?
124
00:05:50,889 --> 00:05:54,557
It was good.
125
00:05:57,912 --> 00:06:00,747
Had no idea
you were the chatty one.
126
00:06:03,901 --> 00:06:06,085
(thermometer beeps)
127
00:06:08,789 --> 00:06:10,590
102.2.
128
00:06:10,592 --> 00:06:11,674
(coughs)
129
00:06:11,676 --> 00:06:15,178
Exactly what it was
half an hour ago.
130
00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:18,181
It's like you're not even
trying to get better.
131
00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:23,102
Sheldon, you don't get over
the flu in half an hour.
132
00:06:23,104 --> 00:06:25,021
Well, not with that attitude.
133
00:06:26,524 --> 00:06:30,443
I have to say, I'm finding your
bedside manner a little lacking.
134
00:06:30,445 --> 00:06:31,644
I'm sorry.
135
00:06:31,646 --> 00:06:33,746
I just want you to get better
as soon as possible.
136
00:06:33,748 --> 00:06:36,916
And with that goal in mind,
let me ask you a question.
137
00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:40,770
Do you believe in
the placebo effect?
138
00:06:40,772 --> 00:06:41,905
Of course I do.
139
00:06:41,907 --> 00:06:44,123
There have been many studies
proving its validity.
140
00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:45,325
Great.
141
00:06:45,327 --> 00:06:48,595
Now, this may look
like a Tic Tac...
142
00:06:50,281 --> 00:06:55,051
...but it is really a powerful
medication specifically designed
143
00:06:55,053 --> 00:06:58,721
to cure your illness as well as
freshen your breath.
144
00:06:58,723 --> 00:07:01,891
Sheldon, this isn't helping.
145
00:07:01,893 --> 00:07:03,943
Why don't you just let me
get some rest.
146
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,011
How can you sleep?
147
00:07:05,013 --> 00:07:07,063
I'm not done
making you feel better.
148
00:07:07,065 --> 00:07:10,600
I still have to put a
cold rag on your head,
149
00:07:10,602 --> 00:07:14,354
sing to you and apply VapoRub
to your chest.
150
00:07:21,712 --> 00:07:25,214
Y-You want to rub something
on my chest?
151
00:07:25,216 --> 00:07:27,817
Yes.
152
00:07:27,819 --> 00:07:29,836
All over it.
153
00:07:32,590 --> 00:07:33,590
(coughs)
154
00:07:33,592 --> 00:07:35,425
Maybe we should start with that.
155
00:07:37,211 --> 00:07:39,596
Now you're being a
responsible patient.
156
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:54,777
Now, you may notice
some tingling.
157
00:07:54,779 --> 00:07:57,697
Oh, I'm counting on it.
158
00:07:59,516 --> 00:08:02,685
(sighs):
Oh.
159
00:08:03,837 --> 00:08:06,022
Okay, dig in.
160
00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:09,191
Hold up.
161
00:08:09,193 --> 00:08:11,694
Bless us, O Lord
for these Thy gifts
162
00:08:11,696 --> 00:08:13,329
which we are about to receive
163
00:08:13,331 --> 00:08:14,497
from Thy bounty
164
00:08:14,499 --> 00:08:16,532
through Christ our Lord. Amen.
165
00:08:18,502 --> 00:08:21,754
Took the words
right out of my mouth.
166
00:08:23,841 --> 00:08:26,809
So, Dad, have you done
any fishing lately?
167
00:08:26,811 --> 00:08:28,261
I'm going next weekend.
168
00:08:28,263 --> 00:08:30,063
Oh, you like to fish?
169
00:08:30,065 --> 00:08:33,549
Yes.
170
00:08:35,352 --> 00:08:38,938
Sure. I can hear it
in your voice.
171
00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:43,660
Oh, if he didn't like it,
he wouldn't go.
172
00:08:43,662 --> 00:08:47,363
You know, I hadn't
thought of that.
173
00:08:47,365 --> 00:08:50,033
(whispers):
Help me.
174
00:08:50,035 --> 00:08:52,535
Hey, Dad, maybe you could take
Howard fishing sometime.
175
00:08:52,537 --> 00:08:54,754
Give you guys a chance to get
to know each other better.
176
00:08:54,756 --> 00:08:57,073
No, no.
177
00:08:57,075 --> 00:08:58,574
We know each other
well enough.
178
00:08:58,576 --> 00:09:01,594
He's been talking
my ear off all night.
179
00:09:01,596 --> 00:09:03,179
Howie, I think you'd have fun.
180
00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:09,469
Fine, you can tag along.
181
00:09:09,471 --> 00:09:10,853
Terrific.
182
00:09:10,855 --> 00:09:13,022
My two favorite fellas
gone fishin'.
183
00:09:13,024 --> 00:09:15,224
Well, hang on a
second, Bernie.
184
00:09:15,226 --> 00:09:17,827
Next weekend, we
have that thing.
185
00:09:17,829 --> 00:09:18,978
What thing?
186
00:09:18,980 --> 00:09:21,948
You know, the thing.
187
00:09:21,950 --> 00:09:23,816
Oh, that thing.
188
00:09:23,818 --> 00:09:25,601
No, I cancelled that thing.
189
00:09:27,037 --> 00:09:28,621
All right, it's settled.
190
00:09:28,623 --> 00:09:30,406
You and I are going fishing.
191
00:09:30,408 --> 00:09:31,941
Great.
192
00:09:31,943 --> 00:09:34,327
(quietly):
Thanks for the help.
193
00:09:35,496 --> 00:09:37,163
I've never even
been fishing.
194
00:09:37,165 --> 00:09:38,881
This is gonna
be a disaster.
195
00:09:38,883 --> 00:09:41,084
If you don't want to look
foolish doing something,
196
00:09:41,086 --> 00:09:42,785
you should practice.
197
00:09:42,787 --> 00:09:45,805
Do you know how many beef
Wellingtons I made by myself
198
00:09:45,807 --> 00:09:47,840
before I invited you guys over?
199
00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:50,176
I'll give you a hint.
200
00:09:50,178 --> 00:09:55,131
You can see them
here, here... and here.
201
00:09:57,518 --> 00:09:59,018
Raj is probably right.
202
00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:01,137
You should get someone
to give you some pointers.
203
00:10:01,139 --> 00:10:02,955
Do either of you guys
know how to fish?
204
00:10:02,957 --> 00:10:05,858
BOTH (chuckle):
No.
205
00:10:05,860 --> 00:10:07,476
But if you
catch anything,
206
00:10:07,478 --> 00:10:10,646
I know how to steam
it in banana leaves.
207
00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:12,665
Come on, we must know somebody
208
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:15,501
who can do manly stuff
like this.
209
00:10:18,422 --> 00:10:20,590
S'up?
210
00:10:29,076 --> 00:10:31,794
Step one: worms.
211
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,248
Ew!
212
00:10:36,216 --> 00:10:38,301
Okay, right there,
"ew" is one of the things
213
00:10:38,303 --> 00:10:40,920
you're not gonna want to say
in front of your father-in-law.
214
00:10:40,922 --> 00:10:43,806
It's right up there with "icky"
and "get it away."
215
00:10:43,808 --> 00:10:45,758
Now pick one up.
216
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,226
Really?
217
00:10:47,228 --> 00:10:49,012
You're gonna have to do it
when you're fishing.
218
00:10:49,014 --> 00:10:51,180
Okay.
219
00:10:54,685 --> 00:10:56,069
What are you waiting for?
220
00:10:56,071 --> 00:10:59,972
I don't know, for them
to die of natural causes.
221
00:10:59,974 --> 00:11:03,109
Just pick up a worm
and put him on this hook.
222
00:11:04,578 --> 00:11:06,946
Fine.
(clears throat)
223
00:11:17,441 --> 00:11:19,125
There.
224
00:11:19,127 --> 00:11:20,710
I'm no expert,
225
00:11:20,712 --> 00:11:23,546
but I think the hook has
to go through the worm.
226
00:11:23,548 --> 00:11:25,665
Fine.
227
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:27,717
Sorry, Mr. Worm.
228
00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:30,136
Sherm.
Sherm the Worm.
229
00:11:31,021 --> 00:11:32,171
Hey, don't name him.
230
00:11:32,173 --> 00:11:34,057
Just jab a hook in his face.
231
00:11:36,009 --> 00:11:37,977
- You got this, buddy.
- Yeah, come on, Howard.
232
00:11:37,979 --> 00:11:39,646
- Hook that worm.
- You can do it.
233
00:11:39,648 --> 00:11:40,980
That's great.
234
00:11:40,982 --> 00:11:43,032
Cheerleading--
way to man things up.
235
00:11:46,403 --> 00:11:48,488
"And the control group displayed
236
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:52,358
"significantly fewer
genetic abnormalities.
237
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,362
"But, because of flaws
in the experimental design
238
00:11:56,364 --> 00:11:58,748
"relating to
environment and diet,
239
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:01,351
they lived
inconclusively ever after."
240
00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:03,336
The end.
241
00:12:03,338 --> 00:12:04,821
That was great.
242
00:12:04,823 --> 00:12:06,239
Rub my chest again.
243
00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:07,457
(knock at door)
244
00:12:07,459 --> 00:12:08,841
No.
245
00:12:08,843 --> 00:12:10,693
I need to get you down
for a nap.
246
00:12:10,695 --> 00:12:14,230
For some reason, that VapoRub
gets you all fired up.
247
00:12:16,483 --> 00:12:17,984
How's the poor thing?
248
00:12:17,986 --> 00:12:20,903
Oh, I'm hanging in there.
Thanks for asking.
249
00:12:21,739 --> 00:12:23,406
Okay, Amy,
I brought you some drugs
250
00:12:23,408 --> 00:12:25,174
we were working
on in the lab.
251
00:12:25,176 --> 00:12:27,393
This is proving really
good for congestion,
252
00:12:27,395 --> 00:12:28,578
but there's a slight chance
253
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:30,530
it can make your tears
burn like acid,
254
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,515
so if you take it--
happy thoughts.
255
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:36,786
Uh, I'm going to draw
you a soothing bath.
256
00:12:36,788 --> 00:12:38,538
Where's your bath thermometer?
257
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,456
I don't have a bath thermometer.
258
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:42,341
Fine. Then I'm going to draw you
259
00:12:42,343 --> 00:12:44,961
a nerve-wracking bath
of indeterminate temperature.
260
00:12:47,031 --> 00:12:49,132
This is a really
good expectorant.
261
00:12:49,134 --> 00:12:51,134
Although some
test subjects reported
262
00:12:51,136 --> 00:12:54,137
lactating uncontrollably
when they heard music.
263
00:12:55,088 --> 00:12:56,723
(quietly):
Okay, okay, here's the deal.
264
00:12:56,725 --> 00:12:58,758
I don't need your medicine.
I'm not sick.
265
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,092
I don't understand.
266
00:13:00,094 --> 00:13:01,761
I got better two days ago.
267
00:13:01,763 --> 00:13:05,314
It's just been so nice
having Sheldon take care of me.
268
00:13:05,316 --> 00:13:06,866
So you've just
been lying to him?
269
00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:08,484
See the stuff in my nose?
270
00:13:08,486 --> 00:13:10,603
Rubber cement.
271
00:13:11,538 --> 00:13:13,740
I don't mean to be judgy,
272
00:13:13,742 --> 00:13:17,410
but this is the kind
of thing lunatics do.
273
00:13:18,278 --> 00:13:19,746
All right.
274
00:13:19,748 --> 00:13:21,781
I'll tell him.
275
00:13:21,783 --> 00:13:23,466
SHELDON: Amy, would you
be strong enough
276
00:13:23,468 --> 00:13:26,319
to bathe yourself,
or do you need my help?
277
00:13:29,239 --> 00:13:31,557
I'll tell him tomorrow.
278
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:35,645
Mama needs a bath.
279
00:13:38,232 --> 00:13:39,982
Now, let's assume,
by some miracle,
280
00:13:39,984 --> 00:13:41,184
you actually catch a fish.
281
00:13:41,186 --> 00:13:43,236
You're going to have to know
how to gut it.
282
00:13:43,238 --> 00:13:44,904
So, what you're
going to do
283
00:13:44,906 --> 00:13:47,023
is you're going to take
your knife,
284
00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:49,325
slice him right up the belly.
285
00:13:49,327 --> 00:13:51,527
(gagging)
286
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,580
You want me to stop?
287
00:13:54,582 --> 00:13:55,748
No, I'm fine.
Keep going.
288
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:57,250
All right. Now, you
don't want to cut
289
00:13:57,252 --> 00:13:58,451
too deep into its guts,
290
00:13:58,453 --> 00:14:00,453
or the blood will just squirt
all over your face.
291
00:14:00,455 --> 00:14:02,655
(gagging)
292
00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:05,458
Oh, my God.
293
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,326
What is with you guys?
294
00:14:07,328 --> 00:14:08,628
It's not our fault.
295
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:11,047
Our dads never did anything
like this with us.
296
00:14:11,049 --> 00:14:12,164
What, never?
297
00:14:12,166 --> 00:14:14,100
My dad was an
anthropologist.
298
00:14:14,102 --> 00:14:16,185
The only father-son
time he spent
299
00:14:16,187 --> 00:14:19,939
was with a 2,000-year-old
skeleton of an Etruscan boy.
300
00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:22,308
I hated that kid.
301
00:14:23,811 --> 00:14:26,279
Mine just took me
to his gynecology office.
302
00:14:26,281 --> 00:14:28,981
I got so bored,
I'd put vaginal lubricant
303
00:14:28,983 --> 00:14:33,402
on the bottom of my shoes
and pretend I was ice-skating.
304
00:14:36,957 --> 00:14:38,791
Yeah, well, my quality
father-son time
305
00:14:38,793 --> 00:14:41,460
was spending my adolescence
looking out the window
306
00:14:41,462 --> 00:14:44,881
waiting for my dad
to come back someday.
307
00:14:46,032 --> 00:14:48,417
Yeah, okay, Howard wins.
308
00:14:49,553 --> 00:14:51,971
You know, maybe we didn't
have opportunities like this
309
00:14:51,973 --> 00:14:53,723
when we were growing up,
but right now,
310
00:14:53,725 --> 00:14:56,225
there's a dad that wants
to take you on a fishing trip.
311
00:14:56,227 --> 00:14:57,810
You're right.
312
00:14:57,812 --> 00:14:59,145
I should do this.
313
00:14:59,147 --> 00:15:00,229
PENNY: Great.
(clears throat)
314
00:15:00,231 --> 00:15:01,230
Here you go.
315
00:15:01,232 --> 00:15:02,431
What you're
going to do
316
00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:03,766
is you're going to
stick your thumb
317
00:15:03,768 --> 00:15:06,569
down its throat, grab
the guts and pull.
318
00:15:10,107 --> 00:15:12,158
Here we go.
319
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,393
(grunting)
320
00:15:17,664 --> 00:15:19,916
Oh, look, it's a female.
You can see all the eggs.
321
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:22,001
(gagging)
322
00:15:24,821 --> 00:15:27,156
(singing along to stereo):
♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪
323
00:15:27,158 --> 00:15:28,908
♪ Whoa, oh
324
00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:30,843
♪ And don't it feel good? ♪
325
00:15:30,845 --> 00:15:33,179
♪ Oh, yeah
326
00:15:33,181 --> 00:15:35,331
♪ And don't it feel good? ♪
327
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:37,099
(shuts off stereo)
328
00:15:39,102 --> 00:15:42,305
Oh, Sheldon,
am I glad you're back.
329
00:15:42,307 --> 00:15:44,690
Taking a turn for the worst.
330
00:15:45,943 --> 00:15:49,061
I think I'm going to need
another bath.
331
00:15:49,063 --> 00:15:51,447
I'm surprised to hear that.
332
00:15:51,449 --> 00:15:53,866
See, the other day,
I was concerned
333
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:55,401
that you weren't recovering,
334
00:15:55,403 --> 00:15:56,669
so while you
were sleeping,
335
00:15:56,671 --> 00:15:59,989
I took a cheek swab
and had it cultured in the lab.
336
00:15:59,991 --> 00:16:01,574
Oh?
337
00:16:01,576 --> 00:16:03,242
I got the results back.
338
00:16:03,244 --> 00:16:06,379
Have you developed any of
the following symptoms?
339
00:16:06,381 --> 00:16:08,381
A growing nose,
340
00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:12,919
or perhaps a warm sensation
in the trouser region?
341
00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,286
Also known as
342
00:16:14,288 --> 00:16:17,390
full-blown
"liar, liar, pants on fire."
343
00:16:17,392 --> 00:16:19,242
All right, all right.
344
00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:21,293
But I really was sick
at the beginning.
345
00:16:21,295 --> 00:16:24,981
It's just been so nice
having you take care of me.
346
00:16:26,099 --> 00:16:28,851
It hurts that you
would lie to me, Amy.
347
00:16:28,853 --> 00:16:31,988
I thought our relationship
was based on trust
348
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:36,025
and a mutual admiration
that skews in my favor.
349
00:16:36,027 --> 00:16:38,411
I feel terrible I did this.
350
00:16:38,413 --> 00:16:39,862
It pains me to say it,
351
00:16:39,864 --> 00:16:42,748
but I think some form
of penalty is in order,
352
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:46,452
so as to discourage this type
of behavior in the future.
353
00:16:46,454 --> 00:16:49,372
I suppose that's fair.
What do you suggest?
354
00:16:49,374 --> 00:16:50,873
In a perfect world,
I'd lock you
355
00:16:50,875 --> 00:16:52,792
in a stockade in
the public square.
356
00:16:54,127 --> 00:16:56,679
That probably
requires a permit.
357
00:16:59,132 --> 00:17:00,516
I could not be allowed
358
00:17:00,518 --> 00:17:03,185
to go to the opening
of the next Star Trek movie.
359
00:17:03,187 --> 00:17:06,138
Oh, that seems
overly harsh.
360
00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,008
You gave in to a
hun weakness.
361
00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,393
You didn't kill a man.
362
00:17:10,395 --> 00:17:14,613
You know, it's a
tad old-school,
363
00:17:14,615 --> 00:17:17,366
but my father was not
one to spare the rod
364
00:17:17,368 --> 00:17:19,535
when my brother would
sneak into his truck
365
00:17:19,537 --> 00:17:21,904
and drink his
driving whiskey.
366
00:17:24,174 --> 00:17:27,576
Are you saying
you want to spank me?
367
00:17:30,213 --> 00:17:32,748
I don't want to.
368
00:17:33,734 --> 00:17:37,086
But it looks like you
left me no choice.
369
00:17:38,672 --> 00:17:40,890
That's true.
370
00:17:43,176 --> 00:17:46,946
I've been a very bad girl.
371
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:53,486
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's
off to fish we go.
372
00:17:55,022 --> 00:17:56,989
That's what you're wearing?
373
00:17:56,991 --> 00:17:58,024
No good?
374
00:17:58,026 --> 00:17:59,892
The guy at
the sporting goods store
375
00:17:59,894 --> 00:18:01,777
said these are what
fishermen wear.
376
00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:04,513
Maybe in cartoons.
377
00:18:05,365 --> 00:18:07,450
Wish I had known that
before I posted
378
00:18:07,452 --> 00:18:09,919
all those pictures on Facebook.
379
00:18:11,371 --> 00:18:13,539
All right,
let's hit the road.
380
00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:16,075
I wouldn't mind shooting
some ducks in the morning.
381
00:18:16,077 --> 00:18:18,177
Wait, now we're shooting things?
382
00:18:19,129 --> 00:18:21,464
I like using a big shell.
383
00:18:21,466 --> 00:18:23,049
You can't eat them afterwards,
384
00:18:23,051 --> 00:18:25,417
but it's fun
watching them blow up.
385
00:18:29,439 --> 00:18:30,773
Sir, I'm flattered
386
00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:32,892
that you invited me,
387
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:36,228
and I really want you
to like me,
388
00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:37,446
but...
389
00:18:37,448 --> 00:18:41,734
I don't think this trip
is the way to do it.
390
00:18:41,736 --> 00:18:43,602
And I can't return
these things
391
00:18:43,604 --> 00:18:46,438
if there's chunks
of duck all over them.
392
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,424
So, why'd you
agree to come?
393
00:18:48,426 --> 00:18:50,943
'Cause Bernadette made me.
394
00:18:50,945 --> 00:18:52,695
I tried to back out, too.
395
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:55,280
My wife said I had to go.
396
00:18:55,282 --> 00:18:57,800
Really?
Your wife makes you do stuff?
397
00:18:57,802 --> 00:18:59,835
You're a big, scary cop.
398
00:18:59,837 --> 00:19:01,170
You're an astronaut,
399
00:19:01,172 --> 00:19:03,472
and your wife
makes you do things,
400
00:19:03,474 --> 00:19:06,225
and she's only four feet tall.
401
00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:11,147
So, what do we do now?
402
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:14,150
They expect us to go
away for the weekend.
403
00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:16,185
Ah...
404
00:19:16,187 --> 00:19:18,804
(sighs)
405
00:19:19,990 --> 00:19:23,859
There's an Indian casino
near Palm Springs.
406
00:19:25,061 --> 00:19:27,196
You know how to shoot craps?
407
00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:29,498
No, but I'm not a
stranger to dice games.
408
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:33,369
I was the Temple Beth-El
Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.
409
00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:37,223
Mazel tov.
410
00:19:38,491 --> 00:19:40,926
I'll teach you how to play.
411
00:19:40,928 --> 00:19:43,262
Really?
412
00:19:43,264 --> 00:19:46,198
Thank you, sir.
413
00:19:47,517 --> 00:19:49,552
Call me Mike.
414
00:19:51,171 --> 00:19:53,339
Okay.
415
00:19:55,842 --> 00:19:57,359
(laughing): Oh, boy,
we're just married
416
00:19:57,361 --> 00:20:00,529
to a couple of
ballbusters, huh, Mike?
417
00:20:01,865 --> 00:20:04,900
That's my wife and daughter
you're talking about.
418
00:20:06,203 --> 00:20:09,455
Great couple of gals.
419
00:20:09,457 --> 00:20:11,740
I wouldn't go that far.
420
00:20:22,266 --> 00:20:25,101
Are you prepared to
receive your punishment?
421
00:20:28,272 --> 00:20:30,189
One second.
422
00:20:30,191 --> 00:20:32,224
I want to put on some music.
423
00:20:33,043 --> 00:20:35,161
Why?
424
00:20:35,163 --> 00:20:37,330
I don't want to disturb
the people next door
425
00:20:37,332 --> 00:20:38,998
while you discipline me.
426
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,617
(R & B playing)
427
00:20:45,172 --> 00:20:46,789
Very well, then.
428
00:20:46,791 --> 00:20:49,375
Get over my knee.
Let's begin.
429
00:20:56,033 --> 00:20:58,217
Oh, my.
430
00:20:58,219 --> 00:20:59,736
Excuse me.
431
00:20:59,738 --> 00:21:02,305
You're not supposed to be
enjoying this.
432
00:21:02,307 --> 00:21:05,525
Then maybe you should
spank me harder.
433
00:21:08,796 --> 00:21:12,328
Maybe I will.
Ooh!
434
00:21:12,428 --> 00:21:17,428
== sync, corrected by elderman ==