1
00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:04,121
Merry Congratu-Christmas!
2
00:00:04,403 --> 00:00:05,521
- What?
- Half "Merry Christmas,"
3
00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:07,039
half "Congratulations,"
4
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,440
because
I just received some news.
5
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:11,877
You, Ron Swanson,
have been nominated for an award
6
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:13,996
from the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Association.
7
00:00:13,998 --> 00:00:16,082
How did you hear
about that?
8
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,383
I've had
a "Ron Swanson" Google alert
9
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,618
for seven years
and it finally paid off.
10
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,755
Recently,
I made a chair.
11
00:00:22,757 --> 00:00:26,642
When I was finished,
I thought it was a good chair.
12
00:00:26,644 --> 00:00:30,096
I submitted it to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Association,
13
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:33,966
who felt it merited
consideration for an award.
14
00:00:33,968 --> 00:00:36,302
[Chuckles]
It's been a real whirlwind.
15
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:37,453
I have to confess,
16
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,355
I'm very honored
by this nomination.
17
00:00:39,357 --> 00:00:40,523
Right?
18
00:00:40,525 --> 00:00:41,690
This might be
the first time
19
00:00:41,692 --> 00:00:43,359
I've ever wanted
to attend an event.
20
00:00:43,361 --> 00:00:45,211
Oh, my God,
I love events!
21
00:00:45,263 --> 00:00:46,428
I can't wait
to go tonight.
22
00:00:46,430 --> 00:00:47,730
Why are you going?
23
00:00:47,732 --> 00:00:49,565
As your self-appointed
emotional guardian,
24
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:52,068
it is my duty
to love and support you.
25
00:00:52,070 --> 00:00:53,069
Plus, you know,
this is a big deal.
26
00:00:53,071 --> 00:00:54,287
You shouldn't
be there alone.
27
00:00:54,289 --> 00:00:55,988
That's correct.
I'm bringing Diane.
28
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:57,156
Things are going
very well with us.
29
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,242
Even better.
I am very excited to meet Diane.
30
00:00:59,244 --> 00:01:01,110
You're not taking "no"
for an answer, are you?
31
00:01:01,112 --> 00:01:02,128
Oh, I forgot
to sing you
32
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,779
my merry Congratu-Christmas
carol.
33
00:01:03,781 --> 00:01:06,666
♪ Jingle bells, jingle yay,
jingle good for you ♪
34
00:01:06,668 --> 00:01:07,800
- Get out.
- Yup.
35
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:10,803
[Triumphant music]
36
00:01:10,805 --> 00:01:16,405
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:28,138 --> 00:01:30,489
How about the new sushi place
in Eagleton?
38
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:31,640
I'm allergic
to sushi.
39
00:01:31,642 --> 00:01:34,327
Every time I eat
more than 80 sushis, I barf.
40
00:01:34,329 --> 00:01:36,445
Hey, Ann, you been to
any swanky restaurants lately?
41
00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:37,864
- What's the occasion?
- It's December.
42
00:01:37,866 --> 00:01:39,148
It's the time
we celebrate
43
00:01:39,150 --> 00:01:41,500
our most sacred
and special event:
44
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,786
♪ Jerry Dinner
♪ Jerry Dinner
45
00:01:43,788 --> 00:01:47,323
- ♪ Jerry Dinner
- ♪ Jerry Dinner
46
00:01:47,325 --> 00:01:48,841
what the hell
is Jerry Dinner?
47
00:01:48,843 --> 00:01:51,210
Every time we laugh
at something stupid Jerry does,
48
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:53,262
we put a dollar
in this box.
49
00:01:53,264 --> 00:01:55,381
At the end of the year,
we take all the cash
50
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:57,600
and treat ourselves
to a fancy dinner.
51
00:01:57,602 --> 00:01:59,218
This year, we have...
52
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,171
$516.
53
00:02:02,173 --> 00:02:04,974
[Cup spilling]
Aw, jeez!
54
00:02:04,976 --> 00:02:07,276
And that's 517.
55
00:02:07,278 --> 00:02:10,062
[Gasps]
Oh!
56
00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,731
518.
57
00:02:11,733 --> 00:02:15,851
You guys,
that's so mean.
58
00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:18,154
It's not mean
if he doesn't know about it.
59
00:02:18,156 --> 00:02:20,239
It's like talking about people
behind their backs.
60
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,325
- Everybody wins.
- No.
61
00:02:22,327 --> 00:02:24,744
You should at least
invite Jerry to the dinner.
62
00:02:24,746 --> 00:02:25,912
Ha!
63
00:02:25,914 --> 00:02:27,830
That's hilarious.
You should do stand-up.
64
00:02:28,332 --> 00:02:30,499
If you're kidding, you suck,
but if you're serious,
65
00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:32,218
I actually have been
thinking about it.
66
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:36,505
Hey, April, Matlock called.
He wants his cardigan back.
67
00:02:36,507 --> 00:02:38,707
Boom! I'm out.
68
00:02:39,709 --> 00:02:40,726
Who's Matlock?
69
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:41,928
[Knocking at the door]
Hey, bud.
70
00:02:41,930 --> 00:02:43,379
- Hey!
- How are you?
71
00:02:43,381 --> 00:02:46,048
Great. I just finished making
an entry in my dream journal.
72
00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:51,320
This time, the giant spider
got caught in my web.
73
00:02:51,322 --> 00:02:52,738
[Laughs]
74
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,440
Progress.
75
00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,993
So I feel like we haven't
gotten a ton of time together
76
00:02:56,995 --> 00:02:58,577
since I got back
from D.C.
77
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,729
Well, we both
are in serious relationships.
78
00:03:00,731 --> 00:03:03,565
You have Leslie
and I have my therapist,
79
00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:05,952
Dr. Richard Nygard,
who I see 15 times a week.
80
00:03:05,954 --> 00:03:09,205
Well, Leslie has plans
tonight, so I'm solo.
81
00:03:09,207 --> 00:03:11,257
- You wanna hang out?
- I'd love to.
82
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,759
It--it'll be just like
old times in Indianapolis.
83
00:03:13,991 --> 00:03:16,045
- We're back.
- All right.
84
00:03:16,047 --> 00:03:18,247
[Groans]
85
00:03:18,249 --> 00:03:20,716
Lots of hugs.
86
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,853
Welcome to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Awards,
87
00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:26,272
or as I like to call it,
heaven.
88
00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:27,756
- Ron.
- Ah!
89
00:03:27,758 --> 00:03:29,809
Leslie, may I present
Diane Lewis?
90
00:03:29,811 --> 00:03:31,260
- Oh.
- Diane, this is Leslie Knope.
91
00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:33,813
Diane, wow. Ron has told me
so much about you,
92
00:03:33,815 --> 00:03:35,948
in that he has told me your name
is Diane, and you exist.
93
00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:36,949
[Laughs]
Oh, yeah.
94
00:03:36,951 --> 00:03:38,117
He's not
a big sharer.
95
00:03:38,119 --> 00:03:39,618
I don't even know
what his middle name is.
96
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,987
Oh, it's Ulysses.
97
00:03:40,989 --> 00:03:42,621
I can see
why he didn't tell me that.
98
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,657
- [Laughs]
- Mary, mother of God.
99
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,909
[Giggles]
100
00:03:46,911 --> 00:03:48,461
That's
Christian Becksvoort!
101
00:03:48,463 --> 00:03:50,413
He's the modern master
of the Shaker style.
102
00:03:50,415 --> 00:03:53,165
I never dreamed that I would
see him in the flesh. [Laughs]
103
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:54,967
Go over
and say hello.
104
00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:57,286
No, I'm sure he gets swamped
with attention all the time.
105
00:03:57,788 --> 00:04:00,089
Ooh, if you ladies
will excuse me,
106
00:04:00,091 --> 00:04:02,758
there is a jack plane
that needs my attention.
107
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,393
Go on then.
108
00:04:04,395 --> 00:04:06,479
So tell me
everything about yourself:
109
00:04:06,481 --> 00:04:08,431
Your kids,
your hobbies.
110
00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:09,482
What are
your five biggest hopes,
111
00:04:09,484 --> 00:04:11,517
dreams, fears,
and regrets?
112
00:04:12,802 --> 00:04:14,270
In honor
of Jerry Dinner,
113
00:04:14,272 --> 00:04:17,806
let's each say our favorite
Jerry moment from the past year.
114
00:04:17,808 --> 00:04:19,442
- Yes.
- Mine was...
115
00:04:19,444 --> 00:04:21,077
The time
he slipped on a cinnabon
116
00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:22,478
and landed
in a bunch of garbage.
117
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,863
[Laughter]
118
00:04:23,865 --> 00:04:27,033
My favorite Jerry moment
was when he ate a bowl of glue.
119
00:04:27,035 --> 00:04:28,701
[Laughter]
120
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,369
My favorite Jerry moment
is when
121
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:33,622
you switched out his potato soup
with glue and he didn't know.
122
00:04:33,624 --> 00:04:35,007
[Laughter]
You're so cute
123
00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:36,042
when you're bullying,
babe.
124
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,010
You know what?
Ann was right.
125
00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:40,713
This is mean.
We are going to pick up Jerry.
126
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,298
- What?
Both: No!
127
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,300
It's Christmastime. Don't you
want to be good people?
128
00:04:44,302 --> 00:04:45,551
- Not really.
- Never.
129
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,552
Hey,
if we're going that way,
130
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:47,636
can we stop at our place
real quick?
131
00:04:47,638 --> 00:04:49,138
'Cause I forgot
to put on deodorant.
132
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:51,941
And a jacket
and one of my socks.
133
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:54,326
Plus, I gotta poop, but
I could stop anywhere for that.
134
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:57,563
I know you didn't, but if you
had gone to Hogwarts Academy,
135
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,981
which House do you think
you would have been?
136
00:04:58,983 --> 00:05:00,950
[Scoffs]
Look, obviously,
137
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:02,068
I want to say Gryffindor...
[Chuckles]
138
00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:03,685
But I've got to go
with Hufflepuff.
139
00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:05,121
I respect
your honesty.
140
00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:07,873
Gryffindor.
Seeker on the Quidditch team.
141
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,409
Diane, that's my chair,
right there.
142
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:13,245
It's beautiful, Ron.
Yours is the winner.
143
00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:15,164
I'm not sure
I stand a chance.
144
00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:18,200
Hey,
you most certainly do.
145
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:20,836
They'd be crazy
not to vote for you.
146
00:05:20,838 --> 00:05:22,088
Which one is Ron's?
147
00:05:22,090 --> 00:05:24,223
- I don't know.
- [Laughs]
148
00:05:24,225 --> 00:05:26,392
Smart, funny,
independent, and sexy?
149
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:29,895
Diane Lewis?
More like Diane Sawyer.
150
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,898
Whoa! What is going on
at the Gergiches?
151
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,233
Whoa.
152
00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:36,402
Oh, my God! Jerry's having
a Christmas party!
153
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,853
I can't believe
he didn't invite us.
154
00:05:37,855 --> 00:05:39,071
[Thud]
How dare he!
155
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:40,189
What'd we ever
do to him?
156
00:05:40,191 --> 00:05:41,524
It's probably
just family.
157
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:43,559
[Gasps]
And Ben and Chris.
158
00:05:43,561 --> 00:05:46,946
And Ann. I didn't even know
she knew Jerry.
159
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:50,399
Wow. The Gergiches
really go all out.
160
00:05:50,401 --> 00:05:52,535
This is incredible.
161
00:05:52,537 --> 00:05:54,336
Mmm!
This is literally
162
00:05:54,338 --> 00:05:56,755
the best non-fat eggnog
I've ever had.
163
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:59,508
Remain calm,
but I think you just drank
164
00:05:59,510 --> 00:06:02,744
some of the regular,
full-fat eggnog.
165
00:06:02,746 --> 00:06:05,047
Chris,
one cup won't kill you.
166
00:06:05,049 --> 00:06:08,767
No, but it will add
exactly 440 calories.
167
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:12,354
But you know what?
I'm fine.
168
00:06:12,856 --> 00:06:15,558
You only live once.
169
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,060
Mmm! I don't know
if you know this,
170
00:06:18,062 --> 00:06:19,261
but things
with fat in them
171
00:06:19,263 --> 00:06:21,397
taste way better
than things with no fat.
172
00:06:21,399 --> 00:06:23,449
Yeah, Chris--
everybody knows that.
173
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:26,485
Ron, guess
why my thumbs are up.
174
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:27,936
No.
175
00:06:27,938 --> 00:06:30,439
Because I'm giving you
my 100% approval about Diane.
176
00:06:30,741 --> 00:06:32,825
She is perfect for you.
She gets you.
177
00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:36,078
She is at the bar right
now ordering a Lagavulin, neat
178
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,963
for you. I mean,
she's even putting up
179
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:41,333
with all this stupid,
boring woodworking stuff.
180
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:44,303
I'm sorry, but, you know,
it's not the Super Bowl, guys.
181
00:06:44,305 --> 00:06:45,921
Let's take it down
a notch.
182
00:06:45,923 --> 00:06:48,123
Anyway,
you have my approval.
183
00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:49,141
I don't need
your approval.
184
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:50,259
- But you have it.
- Don't need it.
185
00:06:50,261 --> 00:06:52,628
But you got it.
186
00:06:52,630 --> 00:06:54,346
This could
end up being
187
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:56,315
the best night
in Ron Swanson's life.
188
00:06:56,317 --> 00:06:57,600
I am so, so happy
for him--
189
00:06:57,602 --> 00:07:00,986
Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen.
190
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,971
Wow,
look at this room.
191
00:07:02,973 --> 00:07:05,991
So much wood,
ready to be worked.
192
00:07:07,911 --> 00:07:08,861
[Bleep] me!
193
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,050
[Humming]
194
00:07:12,051 --> 00:07:14,216
Alert...
alert, alert, alert.
195
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,016
She's here, isn't she?
196
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:19,687
Oh, hey, Ron.
What a coincidence.
197
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,855
Gosh, I never dreamed
you'd be here.
198
00:07:21,857 --> 00:07:23,908
Tammy,
this is Diane.
199
00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:27,211
Diane, this is a piece
of human garbage named Tammy,
200
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:28,546
who is also
my ex-wife.
201
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:30,548
Twice ex-wife.
We were married twice.
202
00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:31,749
And divorced twice.
203
00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:33,834
Everything is done.
They are totally done.
204
00:07:33,836 --> 00:07:35,553
Tammy,
what are you doing here?
205
00:07:35,995 --> 00:07:39,373
Oh, I just have a little
something I need to get drilled.
206
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,509
Can I speak with you
for a moment?
207
00:07:41,511 --> 00:07:43,310
Everything's fine,
we're just gonna chat.
208
00:07:43,312 --> 00:07:46,964
Shouldn't you be at the library,
forcing people to borrow books?
209
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,098
Leslie,
you and I both know
210
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,650
that the library closes
at 3:00 p.m.
211
00:07:49,652 --> 00:07:51,152
Of course it does.
212
00:07:51,154 --> 00:07:52,653
Besides, I like
to keep tabs on Ron.
213
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:54,304
So you can ruin
his life?
214
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:55,739
So I can have fun
with him,
215
00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:58,809
and sometimes ruining his life
can be a part of that, sure.
216
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,661
This may be
the hardest challenge yet
217
00:08:00,663 --> 00:08:02,145
for Leslie Knope,
emotional guardian.
218
00:08:02,147 --> 00:08:04,198
I need to protect
a sweet couple
219
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,167
from a sex-crazed
demon librarian
220
00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:08,919
who makes me question my stance
on using the "B" word.
221
00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:10,337
I don't know,
maybe just this once.
222
00:08:10,339 --> 00:08:13,323
No, Leslie, fight it.
Fight it.
223
00:08:14,325 --> 00:08:16,660
[Groans]
It looks warm in there!
224
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:17,845
Warm and happy.
225
00:08:17,847 --> 00:08:20,297
Mm, look at
that gingerbread man.
226
00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:22,466
What? I don't see
any gingerbread cookies.
227
00:08:22,468 --> 00:08:24,334
I'm talking about that
jacked-up, light-skinned dude.
228
00:08:24,336 --> 00:08:25,686
Look like
Blake Griffin.
229
00:08:26,188 --> 00:08:27,521
[Whispering]
You guys!
230
00:08:27,523 --> 00:08:30,357
There's a buffet--
in the house!
231
00:08:30,859 --> 00:08:32,142
I didn't even know
you could do that!
232
00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:33,611
We need
to crash this party.
233
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,645
[Knocking at window]
234
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,798
Ann, let us in.
235
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:39,150
Let's go.
236
00:08:41,236 --> 00:08:42,369
Well, well, well.
237
00:08:42,371 --> 00:08:45,522
You want to come
into Jerry's party?
238
00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:46,874
And why is that?
239
00:08:46,876 --> 00:08:48,692
I need a place
to deliver this baby, Ann.
240
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,044
It's coming out of me right now.
I'm pregnant.
241
00:08:50,046 --> 00:08:51,045
[Breathes rhythmically]
242
00:08:51,046 --> 00:08:52,496
This is a lovely party
243
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:55,249
thrown by a lovely man
and his lovely family.
244
00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:57,001
There's no place
for meanies.
245
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,169
Aw, forget it,
I'm coming in.
246
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:00,170
Ow!
247
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,755
- Get off me.
- Wait.
248
00:09:02,257 --> 00:09:03,707
[Laughs]
You're so weak, really?
249
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:04,758
- [Groans]
- I mean,
250
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,176
I'm barely even
doing anything.
251
00:09:06,178 --> 00:09:08,262
Are you iron-deficient?
Let me look at your palm.
252
00:09:08,264 --> 00:09:10,598
Ow. It's because
of your man strength,
253
00:09:10,990 --> 00:09:12,182
Man Perkins.
254
00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:13,434
Let us in, Ann.
255
00:09:13,436 --> 00:09:14,768
It's cold outside,
and I can't wear mittens
256
00:09:14,770 --> 00:09:16,687
'cause they're unflattering
to my hands.
257
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:18,439
Sorry, guys.
This is your penance.
258
00:09:18,441 --> 00:09:20,891
You can come in if you
do something nice for Jerry.
259
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,027
Hey, I already
did something nice for Jerry.
260
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,362
I drove here
to take him to Jerry Dinner.
261
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,731
Oh, Donna.
You can come in.
262
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:28,749
- [Gasps]
- Okay.
263
00:09:28,751 --> 00:09:29,900
- What? What about us?
- [Snickers]
264
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,086
- What? Donna!
- Merry critches, bitches!
265
00:09:32,088 --> 00:09:33,754
Donna, don't leave us!
Donna?
266
00:09:33,756 --> 00:09:35,072
Oh, well, whatever.
267
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,291
It's Jerry's party.
How cool could it be?
268
00:09:37,593 --> 00:09:38,709
[Gasps]
Santa!
269
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:40,077
- They have a Santa!
- Oh, my God.
270
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:41,745
- What?
- Aw!
271
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:45,749
Welcome to the Indiana Fine
Woodworking Association Awards.
272
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,135
[Cheers and applause]
273
00:09:48,137 --> 00:09:50,104
I'm your host,
Martin Housely,
274
00:09:50,106 --> 00:09:51,305
and wow,
it's gonna be a great show--
275
00:09:51,307 --> 00:09:52,306
knock on wood.
276
00:09:52,308 --> 00:09:54,358
[Laughter]
277
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,760
- That's good.
- Oh, my gosh.
278
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,762
What a coinky-dinky. Look,
we're sitting at the same table!
279
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,699
Tammy,
this table is reserved.
280
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,867
A guy traded me his seat
for a peek and a squeeze.
281
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,869
That's my boob and my butt,
respectively.
282
00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:07,905
Remember that, Ron?
283
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:09,290
Subtle.
284
00:10:09,292 --> 00:10:10,941
Well, you know, they asked me
if I would host this event,
285
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:14,945
and I said, "Would I?"
[Laughter]
286
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:17,447
Ben, come meet
Jerry's wife.
287
00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:18,382
Gayle?
288
00:10:19,968 --> 00:10:23,453
- Happy holidays, Chris.
- It's so good to see you.
289
00:10:23,455 --> 00:10:24,588
I have someone
I'd like you to meet.
290
00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:27,124
I'm Gayle Gergich.
291
00:10:28,393 --> 00:10:30,594
Gayle--
you're Gayle?
292
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:32,012
Jerry's
beautiful wife...
293
00:10:32,014 --> 00:10:34,648
- Oh.
- Who looks like that.
294
00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:35,966
- [Chuckles]
- Gayle, I hope you're not
295
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,068
in any way uncomfortable
that I'm here,
296
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:41,105
- since I dated your daughter.
- Oh, not at all.
297
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:43,157
You're welcome here
any time.
298
00:10:43,459 --> 00:10:46,276
Oops, there's a little hair
on your shoulder.
299
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:47,477
Oh.
300
00:10:47,479 --> 00:10:51,281
- Well, look who's a silver fox.
- [Laughs]
301
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:54,001
Will you look at that?
302
00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:55,953
I'm sorry,
you're okay?
303
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,155
You don't feel like
your body is in decay
304
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,423
or death
is inevitable?
305
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:03,660
My, my. Somebody's
being a gloomy goose.
306
00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:07,181
Yeah.
Relax, gloomy goose.
307
00:11:07,183 --> 00:11:11,719
Welcome, everybody,
to another Gergich Christmas.
308
00:11:11,721 --> 00:11:14,138
Sadly, one of our
three beautiful angels,
309
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,472
Millicent,
couldn't be here tonight,
310
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:18,392
but our other two beauties--
Miriam and Gladys--
311
00:11:18,394 --> 00:11:21,395
are going to help Gayle
and me play a little tune.
312
00:11:21,397 --> 00:11:23,814
[Piano intro]
313
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:28,535
♪ Here we go a-caroling,
among the leaves so green ♪
314
00:11:28,537 --> 00:11:31,822
- ♪ here we come a-wandering,
so fair to be seen ♪
315
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:34,024
Both: ♪ love and joy
come to you ♪
316
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,377
♪ and to you
glad Christmas too ♪
317
00:11:36,379 --> 00:11:40,998
All: ♪ and God bless you
and send you a happy new year ♪
318
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:45,035
♪ and God send you
a happy new year ♪
319
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:48,839
[Cheers and applause]
320
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,207
I'm going to
call a cab.
321
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,142
Why does everyone act
like Jerry's the victim here?
322
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,343
He's the one
that didn't invite us
323
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:55,479
to his Christmas party.
[Gasps]
324
00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:57,981
- Jerry Filter!
- Jerry Filter!
325
00:11:57,983 --> 00:11:59,433
Who's Jerry Filter?
326
00:11:59,435 --> 00:12:02,236
Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends
a lot of annoying emails.
327
00:12:02,238 --> 00:12:04,855
So a while ago, I put
a filter on all our accounts.
328
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,524
Everything from Jerry
goes directly to spam.
329
00:12:07,526 --> 00:12:10,360
A-a-and...
330
00:12:10,362 --> 00:12:12,863
Here's our invitation.
331
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:15,065
There's three years
of nice messages on here.
332
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,617
"Congratulations
on your wedding.
333
00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:18,752
I'm rooting for you kids.
Jerry."
334
00:12:18,754 --> 00:12:20,254
"Hope you have
the best birthday, Tom."
335
00:12:20,556 --> 00:12:23,290
I just tied my high score
in Snake.
336
00:12:25,409 --> 00:12:29,113
Our next award
is for "Achievement in Chairs."
337
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:32,599
The nominees are:
Asa Christiana for chair,
338
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:34,601
Ron Swanson for chair,
339
00:12:34,603 --> 00:12:37,221
- H.W. Davenport for chair.
- So exciting, Ron.
340
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,690
Okay, Ron,
this is your moment.
341
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,558
Tune her out.
She's not even here.
342
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,227
And the winner is...
343
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:45,028
Ron Swanson for chair.
344
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:48,098
Oh, wow! Whoo!
345
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:52,119
[Applause]
346
00:12:56,107 --> 00:13:00,127
This award is the only one
I'd ever give a damn about.
347
00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:04,748
I made my first chair
when I was five,
348
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:06,834
but the quality of the wood
was wanting,
349
00:13:06,836 --> 00:13:09,803
so when I turned nine,
I used my factory wages
350
00:13:09,805 --> 00:13:12,789
to purchase
some beautiful local walnut.
351
00:13:15,126 --> 00:13:17,961
Uh, thank you...
for this...
352
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:21,098
Uh, this all good--
night good.
353
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,484
Uh...
354
00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:25,519
There it is.
355
00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:30,774
[Hesitant applause]
356
00:13:32,994 --> 00:13:34,528
Hey, you're looking
at a picture of Millie.
357
00:13:34,530 --> 00:13:36,663
You want to take off,
grab some vegan fries?
358
00:13:36,665 --> 00:13:38,499
She really
was delightful.
359
00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:40,650
I truly wish her
all the best.
360
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:44,288
Man, maybe going to therapy
1,000 times a week is helping.
361
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:46,039
I mean, if you'd seen
that picture a month ago,
362
00:13:46,041 --> 00:13:47,257
you would have
fallen apart.
363
00:13:47,759 --> 00:13:49,326
[Chuckles]
It's just a picture.
364
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,961
- Millie!
- Hi, mom!
365
00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:52,429
Both: [Giggling]
366
00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:54,464
We wanted to surprise you
and come home early.
367
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:55,766
[Giggles]
368
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,684
Oh, hey, Chris.
369
00:13:59,053 --> 00:14:00,304
Hi.
370
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:02,472
Let's take a moment now
to remember
371
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:04,858
those woodworkers
who are no longer with us,
372
00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:08,511
and the beautiful coffins
they all designed themselves.
373
00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:12,032
[Sad piano music]
374
00:14:12,034 --> 00:14:13,033
Hey.
375
00:14:13,035 --> 00:14:14,535
- Hey.
- Have you seen Ron?
376
00:14:14,537 --> 00:14:17,187
He disappeared after the speech
and I can't find him anywhere.
377
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,689
Diane-- ugh.
The stuff with Tammy
378
00:14:19,691 --> 00:14:22,042
is so complex and weird
and gross.
379
00:14:22,044 --> 00:14:24,527
It just would probably be better
if you let me handle it.
380
00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:26,029
I'm not worried
about Tammy.
381
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,198
I mean, I'm a middle school
vice-principal.
382
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,500
I deal with hormonal psychopaths
all the time.
383
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:31,969
Oh, great. Good.
384
00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:34,537
- What concerns me is you.
- You who?
385
00:14:34,539 --> 00:14:36,173
- You you.
- You me?
386
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,707
You're the one who's been
at his side all night.
387
00:14:37,709 --> 00:14:39,042
You're the one
who's been protecting him,
388
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,011
you're the one who knows
all the intimate details
389
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,813
of his romantic history
with that monster.
390
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,898
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Diane, you misunderstand.
391
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:46,483
I'm happily engaged.
392
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:49,486
You and Ron have an intimacy
that I just don't understand,
393
00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:51,822
so if there is a threat
to my relationship with Ron,
394
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:55,242
it's not Tammy.
It's you.
395
00:14:55,244 --> 00:14:57,411
Okay, folks,
fasten your seatbelts.
396
00:14:57,413 --> 00:15:00,247
It's the big one:
Best Desk.
397
00:15:00,249 --> 00:15:01,748
[Applause]
398
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:05,557
Where's Diane?
I need her.
399
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:07,257
- She left.
- Of course.
400
00:15:07,259 --> 00:15:08,508
Tammy ruins everything.
401
00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:09,876
No, she left
because of me.
402
00:15:10,478 --> 00:15:12,645
She's threatened
by our relationship.
403
00:15:13,147 --> 00:15:14,481
[Laughs]
404
00:15:15,183 --> 00:15:16,099
That's ridiculous.
405
00:15:16,101 --> 00:15:18,435
I don't think of you
romantically.
406
00:15:18,437 --> 00:15:20,770
You're pro-government,
you never stop talking,
407
00:15:20,772 --> 00:15:23,073
and you have blonde hair.
You're my worst nightmare.
408
00:15:23,075 --> 00:15:24,858
Excuse me,
one man's "worst nightmare"
409
00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:27,744
is every other man's
"total package."
410
00:15:27,746 --> 00:15:29,729
But the point is,
I don't think it's about dating.
411
00:15:29,731 --> 00:15:31,898
I kind of see
where Diane is coming from.
412
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:35,068
We are close friends, and
I'm very involved in your life.
413
00:15:35,070 --> 00:15:36,336
I wouldn't say
we're close.
414
00:15:36,338 --> 00:15:38,288
By Swanson standards,
we're close.
415
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:39,456
I know
when your birthday is.
416
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:40,874
So does Baskin-Robbins.
417
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:43,343
I know that you
secretly love artichokes
418
00:15:43,345 --> 00:15:45,178
- and plums.
- Keep your voice down, woman!
419
00:15:46,764 --> 00:15:49,132
Fine, we're friends.
So what do I do?
420
00:15:49,434 --> 00:15:51,051
Tammy's waiting for me
in my car.
421
00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:54,104
I think you should take my car
and go get Diane,
422
00:15:54,106 --> 00:15:56,556
and I will
handle Tammy.
423
00:15:56,858 --> 00:15:57,774
Thank you.
424
00:15:57,776 --> 00:15:59,509
Protect your eyes,
she's a gouger.
425
00:15:59,611 --> 00:16:00,426
Good to know.
426
00:16:00,678 --> 00:16:03,196
Chris, I'd like you
to meet my fiance, Carl.
427
00:16:03,198 --> 00:16:04,864
- Well.
- Hi, there.
428
00:16:04,866 --> 00:16:06,949
Hi.
How did you two meet?
429
00:16:06,951 --> 00:16:07,950
Whitewater rafting.
430
00:16:07,952 --> 00:16:09,819
He was
the young rafting instructor
431
00:16:09,821 --> 00:16:11,070
all the girls
were into,
432
00:16:11,072 --> 00:16:12,655
and I was
the young rafting instructor
433
00:16:12,657 --> 00:16:13,790
all the guys were into...
[Laughs]
434
00:16:13,792 --> 00:16:15,524
And then we got together.
[Laughs]
435
00:16:15,526 --> 00:16:17,193
Ah, so random, right?
436
00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:20,463
What a story! I felt like
my heart was whitewater rafting.
437
00:16:20,465 --> 00:16:22,248
[Laughter]
Well, I won't keep you guys.
438
00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:23,549
It's good to see you.
Mwah.
439
00:16:23,551 --> 00:16:25,968
Oh, little tip,
there is fat in the eggnog.
440
00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:27,303
Okay.
[Chuckles]
441
00:16:27,805 --> 00:16:29,889
So how'd it go?
You okay?
442
00:16:29,891 --> 00:16:31,391
[Sighs]
443
00:16:31,393 --> 00:16:32,875
I'm fine.
444
00:16:32,877 --> 00:16:34,394
If therapy
has taught me anything,
445
00:16:34,396 --> 00:16:36,212
it's that I need
to face my fears,
446
00:16:36,214 --> 00:16:38,898
even when my fears
are engaged to a man
447
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:41,567
with the chiseled jawline
of a young me.
448
00:16:41,569 --> 00:16:43,019
Thank you, Ben.
449
00:16:43,021 --> 00:16:44,187
Thank me?
For what?
450
00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:46,389
For looking out for me
tonight.
451
00:16:46,391 --> 00:16:47,907
You're a good friend.
452
00:16:48,409 --> 00:16:50,443
Hey...
453
00:16:50,445 --> 00:16:52,228
So Gayle and Jerry--
454
00:16:52,230 --> 00:16:54,947
I've thought about it a lot.
There's no logical explanation.
455
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,451
[Chuckles]
456
00:16:58,453 --> 00:17:00,286
Well, hello there,
Big B--
457
00:17:00,288 --> 00:17:03,756
Gross! Leslie?
Where's Ron?
458
00:17:03,758 --> 00:17:05,425
Too late, Tammy.
Ron's gone.
459
00:17:05,427 --> 00:17:06,742
- [Scoffs]
- You'll never get him back.
460
00:17:06,744 --> 00:17:09,512
Wanna bet?
That relationship is weak.
461
00:17:09,514 --> 00:17:12,932
All I have to do is find Ron
within the next few hours,
462
00:17:12,934 --> 00:17:14,417
and he's toast.
463
00:17:14,419 --> 00:17:17,086
Few hours, you say?
464
00:17:17,088 --> 00:17:18,137
Leslie!
465
00:17:18,139 --> 00:17:19,856
Stop this car!
Where are we going?
466
00:17:19,858 --> 00:17:21,357
I don't know.
467
00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:23,426
You're gonna
regret this!
468
00:17:25,095 --> 00:17:26,229
Well, hello again.
469
00:17:26,231 --> 00:17:27,897
You ready
to be nice to Jerry?
470
00:17:27,899 --> 00:17:30,116
Because it's so cold
out here,
471
00:17:30,418 --> 00:17:32,235
it reminds me
of my wife's lasagna.
472
00:17:32,237 --> 00:17:34,103
I actually
like that one.
473
00:17:34,105 --> 00:17:36,572
Hey, guys!
I thought you weren't coming.
474
00:17:36,574 --> 00:17:38,708
I--you know,
never got your RSVP.
475
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:41,961
Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift.
Merry Christmas.
476
00:17:41,963 --> 00:17:43,246
Yeah, just--
477
00:17:43,248 --> 00:17:45,281
we took up a collection
to pay your hospital bills,
478
00:17:45,283 --> 00:17:48,134
since you almost
farted yourself to death.
479
00:17:48,136 --> 00:17:49,585
Every time
we did something mean,
480
00:17:49,587 --> 00:17:51,454
we put a dollar
in a box.
481
00:17:51,456 --> 00:17:54,424
Wow. I'm the luckiest man
on earth.
482
00:17:54,926 --> 00:17:57,009
Okay, well, come on in!
It's a party.
483
00:18:02,766 --> 00:18:05,101
Uh--
Oh, jeez.
484
00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:07,687
- Give me the keys!
- No!
485
00:18:07,689 --> 00:18:09,939
- Give 'em to me!
- Never!
486
00:18:09,941 --> 00:18:11,991
Hey,
game over, Tammy.
487
00:18:11,993 --> 00:18:14,777
- What? You--!
- Ah!
488
00:18:14,779 --> 00:18:16,479
I'm going in!
489
00:18:16,481 --> 00:18:17,580
[Screams]
490
00:18:17,582 --> 00:18:21,501
[Both struggling]
491
00:18:21,503 --> 00:18:23,870
Oh, my God,
I am so turned on right now.
492
00:18:23,872 --> 00:18:25,455
What is wrong
with you?
493
00:18:25,457 --> 00:18:27,089
Oh, yeah, tell me
you're not feeling this.
494
00:18:27,091 --> 00:18:28,591
You are so crazy!
495
00:18:28,593 --> 00:18:29,842
I got 'em!
496
00:18:29,844 --> 00:18:30,927
- I got 'em.
- No!
497
00:18:30,929 --> 00:18:32,345
[Both struggling]
498
00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:33,596
- No!
- Ah!
499
00:18:33,598 --> 00:18:34,764
You'll never catch me!
500
00:18:34,766 --> 00:18:36,382
Come back here-- Ow!
501
00:18:36,384 --> 00:18:37,550
- [Cackles]
- You are not
502
00:18:37,552 --> 00:18:38,634
gonna ruin this night!
503
00:18:38,636 --> 00:18:40,102
- Get away from this car!
- No!
504
00:18:40,604 --> 00:18:41,938
[Screams]
What are you doing?
505
00:18:41,940 --> 00:18:43,306
You're crazy!
506
00:18:43,308 --> 00:18:46,008
Ron! Ron!
Ha!
507
00:18:46,010 --> 00:18:47,009
You're too late!
508
00:18:47,011 --> 00:18:48,311
- [Yells]
- [Starts]
509
00:18:48,313 --> 00:18:51,113
- [Humming]
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
510
00:18:52,115 --> 00:18:55,885
She just knows you so well,
and I was starting to wonder
511
00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:57,703
if I was ever
gonna get to that point.
512
00:18:57,995 --> 00:18:59,739
I'm worried
that maybe
513
00:18:59,741 --> 00:19:01,958
there isn't room in your life
for another woman.
514
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,911
At this very moment,
Leslie is throwing herself
515
00:19:04,913 --> 00:19:08,998
in front of a freight train
named Tammy for me and you.
516
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,551
Leslie is a wonderful,
loyal friend,
517
00:19:11,553 --> 00:19:13,503
who is very important
in my life,
518
00:19:13,505 --> 00:19:15,805
but I would sooner
visit Europe
519
00:19:15,807 --> 00:19:18,391
than have something romantic
happen between us.
520
00:19:18,393 --> 00:19:21,877
Although,
if you'd like to visit Europe,
521
00:19:21,879 --> 00:19:24,347
I like you so much,
I'd be willing to risk it.
522
00:19:24,949 --> 00:19:27,149
But not France,
right?
523
00:19:27,151 --> 00:19:28,184
God, no.
524
00:19:28,186 --> 00:19:30,386
[Laughs]
525
00:19:30,388 --> 00:19:32,855
See? You know me
pretty well already,
526
00:19:32,857 --> 00:19:35,992
but you're about to
get to know me even better.
527
00:19:35,994 --> 00:19:38,661
I brought you here because
I want to show you something
528
00:19:38,663 --> 00:19:40,530
that almost no one
knows about--
529
00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:44,083
certainly not Tammy,
and not even Leslie Knope.
530
00:19:44,085 --> 00:19:47,670
Ladies and gentleman,
and especially the ladies,
531
00:19:47,672 --> 00:19:50,840
put your hands together
for the one, the only,
532
00:19:50,842 --> 00:19:53,909
my man,
Mr. Duke Silver.
533
00:19:53,911 --> 00:19:57,797
[Cheers and applause]
534
00:19:57,799 --> 00:20:00,633
A mighty fine holiday evening
to you all.
535
00:20:00,635 --> 00:20:03,886
- Yeah.
- It might be cold outside,
536
00:20:03,888 --> 00:20:07,223
but it's about to get warm
all up in my jazz.
537
00:20:07,225 --> 00:20:08,224
[Laughter]
538
00:20:08,226 --> 00:20:10,276
I, of course,
am Duke Silver,
539
00:20:10,278 --> 00:20:13,262
and I would like
to dedicate this first song...
540
00:20:13,264 --> 00:20:14,597
To my duchess.
541
00:20:14,599 --> 00:20:17,600
[Jazzy version of
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing]
542
00:20:17,602 --> 00:20:19,935
♪
543
00:20:19,937 --> 00:20:21,954
You're so lucky.
544
00:20:24,157 --> 00:20:26,492
I'm going to kill you.
545
00:20:26,494 --> 00:20:28,094
♪
546
00:20:32,116 --> 00:20:34,950
I think it's time
to officially retire
547
00:20:34,952 --> 00:20:37,953
as Ron's emotional guardian.
That's Diane's job now,
548
00:20:37,955 --> 00:20:40,289
and she seems
more than up to the task.
549
00:20:40,291 --> 00:20:42,975
I mean,
I'd do anything for Ron--
550
00:20:42,977 --> 00:20:46,462
even spend a whole night
fighting his crazy ex-wife.
551
00:20:46,764 --> 00:20:50,466
But I think I'm safe.
She's gotta be tired by now.
552
00:20:50,468 --> 00:20:51,484
- Hi.
- [Screams]
553
00:20:52,568 --> 00:20:58,584
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
554
00:20:59,070 --> 00:21:01,054
- Officer Skorggel.
- I pulled over
555
00:21:01,155 --> 00:21:04,407
a Tammy Swanson
for driving erratically.
556
00:21:04,458 --> 00:21:06,225
Ran the plates,
saw it was your car.
557
00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:07,727
Figured it was stolen.
558
00:21:07,861 --> 00:21:09,696
Hey, Ron, why don't you
get me out of these handcuffs,
559
00:21:09,714 --> 00:21:12,198
so I can put you
into these handcuffs.
560
00:21:12,216 --> 00:21:14,601
Yes, please officer,
get her out of those cuffs.
561
00:21:14,635 --> 00:21:16,035
I want this
to be a fair fight.
562
00:21:16,554 --> 00:21:19,539
Officer, did you see
any sign of a passenger?
563
00:21:19,557 --> 00:21:20,941
[Thumping from trunk]
564
00:21:20,957 --> 00:21:22,041
Ron!
565
00:21:22,176 --> 00:21:23,109
There we go.
566
00:21:23,394 --> 00:21:24,794
Hey!
[Thumping]
567
00:21:27,994 --> 00:21:29,194
Help.