1 00:00:01,014 --> 00:00:03,132 Merry Congratu-Christmas! 2 00:00:03,414 --> 00:00:04,532 - What? - Half "Merry Christmas," 3 00:00:04,584 --> 00:00:06,050 half "Congratulations," 4 00:00:06,052 --> 00:00:07,451 because I just received some news. 5 00:00:07,453 --> 00:00:10,888 You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award 6 00:00:10,890 --> 00:00:13,007 from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association. 7 00:00:13,009 --> 00:00:15,093 How did you hear about that? 8 00:00:15,095 --> 00:00:16,394 I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert 9 00:00:16,396 --> 00:00:18,629 for seven years and it finally paid off. 10 00:00:18,631 --> 00:00:21,766 Recently, I made a chair. 11 00:00:21,768 --> 00:00:25,653 When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. 12 00:00:25,655 --> 00:00:29,107 I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, 13 00:00:29,109 --> 00:00:32,977 who felt it merited consideration for an award. 14 00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:35,313 [Chuckles] It's been a real whirlwind. 15 00:00:35,315 --> 00:00:36,464 I have to confess, 16 00:00:36,466 --> 00:00:38,366 I'm very honored by this nomination. 17 00:00:38,368 --> 00:00:39,534 Right? 18 00:00:39,536 --> 00:00:40,701 This might be the first time 19 00:00:40,703 --> 00:00:42,370 I've ever wanted to attend an event. 20 00:00:42,372 --> 00:00:44,222 Oh, my God, I love events! 21 00:00:44,274 --> 00:00:45,439 I can't wait to go tonight. 22 00:00:45,441 --> 00:00:46,741 Why are you going? 23 00:00:46,743 --> 00:00:48,576 As your self-appointed emotional guardian, 24 00:00:48,578 --> 00:00:51,079 it is my duty to love and support you. 25 00:00:51,081 --> 00:00:52,080 Plus, you know, this is a big deal. 26 00:00:52,082 --> 00:00:53,298 You shouldn't be there alone. 27 00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:54,999 That's correct. I'm bringing Diane. 28 00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:56,167 Things are going very well with us. 29 00:00:56,169 --> 00:00:58,253 Even better. I am very excited to meet Diane. 30 00:00:58,255 --> 00:01:00,121 You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you? 31 00:01:00,123 --> 00:01:01,139 Oh, I forgot to sing you 32 00:01:01,141 --> 00:01:02,790 my merry Congratu-Christmas carol. 33 00:01:02,792 --> 00:01:05,677 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you ♪ 34 00:01:05,679 --> 00:01:06,811 - Get out. - Yup. 35 00:01:06,813 --> 00:01:09,814 [Triumphant music] 36 00:01:27,149 --> 00:01:29,500 How about the new sushi place in Eagleton? 37 00:01:29,502 --> 00:01:30,651 I'm allergic to sushi. 38 00:01:30,653 --> 00:01:33,338 Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf. 39 00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:35,456 Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately? 40 00:01:35,458 --> 00:01:36,875 - What's the occasion? - It's December. 41 00:01:36,877 --> 00:01:38,159 It's the time we celebrate 42 00:01:38,161 --> 00:01:40,511 our most sacred and special event: 43 00:01:40,513 --> 00:01:42,797 ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪ Jerry Dinner 44 00:01:42,799 --> 00:01:46,334 - ♪ Jerry Dinner - ♪ Jerry Dinner 45 00:01:46,336 --> 00:01:47,852 what the hell is Jerry Dinner? 46 00:01:47,854 --> 00:01:50,221 Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, 47 00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:52,273 we put a dollar in this box. 48 00:01:52,275 --> 00:01:54,392 At the end of the year, we take all the cash 49 00:01:54,394 --> 00:01:56,611 and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. 50 00:01:56,613 --> 00:01:58,229 This year, we have... 51 00:01:58,231 --> 00:02:01,182 $516. 52 00:02:01,184 --> 00:02:03,985 [Cup spilling] Aw, jeez! 53 00:02:03,987 --> 00:02:06,287 And that's 517. 54 00:02:06,289 --> 00:02:09,073 [Gasps] Oh! 55 00:02:09,075 --> 00:02:10,742 518. 56 00:02:10,744 --> 00:02:14,862 You guys, that's so mean. 57 00:02:14,864 --> 00:02:17,165 It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. 58 00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:19,250 It's like talking about people behind their backs. 59 00:02:19,252 --> 00:02:21,336 - Everybody wins. - No. 60 00:02:21,338 --> 00:02:23,755 You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. 61 00:02:23,757 --> 00:02:24,923 Ha! 62 00:02:24,925 --> 00:02:26,841 That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. 63 00:02:27,343 --> 00:02:29,510 If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, 64 00:02:29,512 --> 00:02:31,229 I actually have been thinking about it. 65 00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:35,516 Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. 66 00:02:35,518 --> 00:02:37,718 Boom! I'm out. 67 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:39,737 Who's Matlock? 68 00:02:39,739 --> 00:02:40,939 [Knocking at the door] Hey, bud. 69 00:02:40,941 --> 00:02:42,390 - Hey! - How are you? 70 00:02:42,392 --> 00:02:45,059 Great. I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. 71 00:02:45,961 --> 00:02:50,331 This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. 72 00:02:50,333 --> 00:02:51,749 [Laughs] 73 00:02:52,251 --> 00:02:53,451 Progress. 74 00:02:53,453 --> 00:02:56,004 So I feel like we haven't gotten a ton of time together 75 00:02:56,006 --> 00:02:57,588 since I got back from D.C. 76 00:02:57,590 --> 00:02:59,740 Well, we both are in serious relationships. 77 00:02:59,742 --> 00:03:02,576 You have Leslie and I have my therapist, 78 00:03:02,578 --> 00:03:04,963 Dr. Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week. 79 00:03:04,965 --> 00:03:08,216 Well, Leslie has plans tonight, so I'm solo. 80 00:03:08,218 --> 00:03:10,268 - You wanna hang out? - I'd love to. 81 00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,770 It--it'll be just like old times in Indianapolis. 82 00:03:13,002 --> 00:03:15,056 - We're back. - All right. 83 00:03:15,058 --> 00:03:17,258 [Groans] 84 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:19,727 Lots of hugs. 85 00:03:20,129 --> 00:03:22,864 Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, 86 00:03:22,866 --> 00:03:25,283 or as I like to call it, heaven. 87 00:03:25,285 --> 00:03:26,767 - Ron. - Ah! 88 00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:28,820 Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? 89 00:03:28,822 --> 00:03:30,271 - Oh. - Diane, this is Leslie Knope. 90 00:03:30,273 --> 00:03:32,824 Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, 91 00:03:32,826 --> 00:03:34,959 in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist. 92 00:03:34,961 --> 00:03:35,960 [Laughs] Oh, yeah. 93 00:03:35,962 --> 00:03:37,128 He's not a big sharer. 94 00:03:37,130 --> 00:03:38,629 I don't even know what his middle name is. 95 00:03:38,631 --> 00:03:39,998 Oh, it's Ulysses. 96 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,632 I can see why he didn't tell me that. 97 00:03:41,634 --> 00:03:43,668 - [Laughs] - Mary, mother of God. 98 00:03:43,670 --> 00:03:45,920 [Giggles] 99 00:03:45,922 --> 00:03:47,472 That's Christian Becksvoort! 100 00:03:47,474 --> 00:03:49,424 He's the modern master of the Shaker style. 101 00:03:49,426 --> 00:03:52,176 I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh. [Laughs] 102 00:03:52,178 --> 00:03:53,978 Go over and say hello. 103 00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:56,297 No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time. 104 00:03:56,799 --> 00:03:59,100 Ooh, if you ladies will excuse me, 105 00:03:59,102 --> 00:04:01,769 there is a jack plane that needs my attention. 106 00:04:01,771 --> 00:04:03,404 Go on then. 107 00:04:03,406 --> 00:04:05,490 So tell me everything about yourself: 108 00:04:05,492 --> 00:04:07,442 Your kids, your hobbies. 109 00:04:07,444 --> 00:04:08,493 What are your five biggest hopes, 110 00:04:08,495 --> 00:04:10,528 dreams, fears, and regrets? 111 00:04:11,813 --> 00:04:13,281 In honor of Jerry Dinner, 112 00:04:13,283 --> 00:04:16,817 let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year. 113 00:04:16,819 --> 00:04:18,453 - Yes. - Mine was... 114 00:04:18,455 --> 00:04:20,088 The time he slipped on a cinnabon 115 00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,489 and landed in a bunch of garbage. 116 00:04:21,491 --> 00:04:22,874 [Laughter] 117 00:04:22,876 --> 00:04:26,044 My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. 118 00:04:26,046 --> 00:04:27,712 [Laughter] 119 00:04:27,714 --> 00:04:29,380 My favorite Jerry moment is when 120 00:04:29,382 --> 00:04:32,633 you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. 121 00:04:32,635 --> 00:04:34,018 [Laughter] You're so cute 122 00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:35,053 when you're bullying, babe. 123 00:04:35,655 --> 00:04:37,021 You know what? Ann was right. 124 00:04:37,023 --> 00:04:39,724 This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry. 125 00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:41,309 - What? Both: No! 126 00:04:41,311 --> 00:04:43,311 It's Christmastime. Don't you want to be good people? 127 00:04:43,313 --> 00:04:44,562 - Not really. - Never. 128 00:04:44,564 --> 00:04:45,563 Hey, if we're going that way, 129 00:04:45,565 --> 00:04:46,647 can we stop at our place real quick? 130 00:04:46,649 --> 00:04:48,149 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant. 131 00:04:48,551 --> 00:04:50,952 And a jacket and one of my socks. 132 00:04:50,954 --> 00:04:53,337 Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that. 133 00:04:53,339 --> 00:04:56,574 I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, 134 00:04:56,576 --> 00:04:57,992 which House do you think you would have been? 135 00:04:57,994 --> 00:04:59,961 [Scoffs] Look, obviously, 136 00:04:59,963 --> 00:05:01,079 I want to say Gryffindor... [Chuckles] 137 00:05:01,081 --> 00:05:02,696 But I've got to go with Hufflepuff. 138 00:05:02,698 --> 00:05:04,132 I respect your honesty. 139 00:05:04,134 --> 00:05:06,884 Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team. 140 00:05:06,886 --> 00:05:09,420 Diane, that's my chair, right there. 141 00:05:09,422 --> 00:05:12,256 It's beautiful, Ron. Yours is the winner. 142 00:05:12,258 --> 00:05:14,175 I'm not sure I stand a chance. 143 00:05:14,177 --> 00:05:17,211 Hey, you most certainly do. 144 00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:19,847 They'd be crazy not to vote for you. 145 00:05:19,849 --> 00:05:21,099 Which one is Ron's? 146 00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:23,234 - I don't know. - [Laughs] 147 00:05:23,236 --> 00:05:25,403 Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? 148 00:05:25,405 --> 00:05:28,906 Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer. 149 00:05:29,708 --> 00:05:31,909 Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches? 150 00:05:31,911 --> 00:05:33,244 Whoa. 151 00:05:33,246 --> 00:05:35,413 Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! 152 00:05:35,415 --> 00:05:36,864 I can't believe he didn't invite us. 153 00:05:36,866 --> 00:05:38,082 [Thud] How dare he! 154 00:05:38,084 --> 00:05:39,200 What'd we ever do to him? 155 00:05:39,202 --> 00:05:40,535 It's probably just family. 156 00:05:40,537 --> 00:05:42,570 [Gasps] And Ben and Chris. 157 00:05:42,572 --> 00:05:45,957 And Ann. I didn't even know she knew Jerry. 158 00:05:46,659 --> 00:05:49,410 Wow. The Gergiches really go all out. 159 00:05:49,412 --> 00:05:51,546 This is incredible. 160 00:05:51,548 --> 00:05:53,347 Mmm! This is literally 161 00:05:53,349 --> 00:05:55,766 the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had. 162 00:05:55,768 --> 00:05:58,519 Remain calm, but I think you just drank 163 00:05:58,521 --> 00:06:01,755 some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. 164 00:06:01,757 --> 00:06:04,058 Chris, one cup won't kill you. 165 00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:07,778 No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. 166 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,365 But you know what? I'm fine. 167 00:06:11,867 --> 00:06:14,569 You only live once. 168 00:06:14,571 --> 00:06:17,071 Mmm! I don't know if you know this, 169 00:06:17,073 --> 00:06:18,272 but things with fat in them 170 00:06:18,274 --> 00:06:20,408 taste way better than things with no fat. 171 00:06:20,410 --> 00:06:22,460 Yeah, Chris-- everybody knows that. 172 00:06:22,962 --> 00:06:25,496 Ron, guess why my thumbs are up. 173 00:06:25,798 --> 00:06:26,947 No. 174 00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:29,450 Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane. 175 00:06:29,752 --> 00:06:31,836 She is perfect for you. She gets you. 176 00:06:31,938 --> 00:06:35,089 She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat 177 00:06:35,091 --> 00:06:36,974 for you. I mean, she's even putting up 178 00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:40,344 with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. 179 00:06:40,346 --> 00:06:43,314 I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys. 180 00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:44,932 Let's take it down a notch. 181 00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:47,134 Anyway, you have my approval. 182 00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:48,152 I don't need your approval. 183 00:06:48,154 --> 00:06:49,270 - But you have it. - Don't need it. 184 00:06:49,272 --> 00:06:51,639 But you got it. 185 00:06:51,641 --> 00:06:53,357 This could end up being 186 00:06:53,359 --> 00:06:55,326 the best night in Ron Swanson's life. 187 00:06:55,328 --> 00:06:56,611 I am so, so happy for him-- 188 00:06:56,613 --> 00:06:59,997 Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. 189 00:06:59,999 --> 00:07:01,982 Wow, look at this room. 190 00:07:01,984 --> 00:07:05,002 So much wood, ready to be worked. 191 00:07:06,922 --> 00:07:07,872 [Bleep] me! 192 00:07:09,811 --> 00:07:11,061 [Humming] 193 00:07:11,062 --> 00:07:13,227 Alert... alert, alert, alert. 194 00:07:13,662 --> 00:07:15,027 She's here, isn't she? 195 00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:18,698 Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. 196 00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,866 Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here. 197 00:07:20,868 --> 00:07:22,919 Tammy, this is Diane. 198 00:07:23,421 --> 00:07:26,222 Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, 199 00:07:26,224 --> 00:07:27,557 who is also my ex-wife. 200 00:07:27,559 --> 00:07:29,559 Twice ex-wife. We were married twice. 201 00:07:29,561 --> 00:07:30,760 And divorced twice. 202 00:07:30,762 --> 00:07:32,845 Everything is done. They are totally done. 203 00:07:32,847 --> 00:07:34,564 Tammy, what are you doing here? 204 00:07:35,006 --> 00:07:38,384 Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled. 205 00:07:38,636 --> 00:07:40,520 Can I speak with you for a moment? 206 00:07:40,522 --> 00:07:42,321 Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. 207 00:07:42,323 --> 00:07:45,975 Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books? 208 00:07:45,977 --> 00:07:47,109 Leslie, you and I both know 209 00:07:47,111 --> 00:07:48,661 that the library closes at 3:00 p.m. 210 00:07:48,663 --> 00:07:50,163 Of course it does. 211 00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,664 Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron. 212 00:07:51,666 --> 00:07:53,315 So you can ruin his life? 213 00:07:53,317 --> 00:07:54,750 So I can have fun with him, 214 00:07:54,752 --> 00:07:57,820 and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure. 215 00:07:57,822 --> 00:07:59,672 This may be the hardest challenge yet 216 00:07:59,674 --> 00:08:01,156 for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian. 217 00:08:01,158 --> 00:08:03,209 I need to protect a sweet couple 218 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,783 from a sex-crazed demon librarian 219 00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,535 who makes me question my stance on using the "B" word. 220 00:08:07,537 --> 00:08:08,953 I don't know, maybe just this once. 221 00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,939 No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it. 222 00:08:12,941 --> 00:08:15,276 [Groans] It looks warm in there! 223 00:08:15,278 --> 00:08:16,461 Warm and happy. 224 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,913 Mm, look at that gingerbread man. 225 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,082 What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. 226 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,950 I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. 227 00:08:22,952 --> 00:08:24,302 Look like Blake Griffin. 228 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:26,137 [Whispering] You guys! 229 00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,973 There's a buffet-- in the house! 230 00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:30,758 I didn't even know you could do that! 231 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,227 We need to crash this party. 232 00:08:32,229 --> 00:08:33,261 [Knocking at window] 233 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,414 Ann, let us in. 234 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,766 Let's go. 235 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:40,985 Well, well, well. 236 00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:44,138 You want to come into Jerry's party? 237 00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:45,490 And why is that? 238 00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:47,308 I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. 239 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:48,660 It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. 240 00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:49,661 [Breathes rhythmically] 241 00:08:49,662 --> 00:08:51,112 This is a lovely party 242 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:53,865 thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. 243 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,617 There's no place for meanies. 244 00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:57,785 Aw, forget it, I'm coming in. 245 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:58,786 Ow! 246 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,371 - Get off me. - Wait. 247 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,323 [Laughs] You're so weak, really? 248 00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:03,374 - [Groans] - I mean, 249 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,792 I'm barely even doing anything. 250 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,878 Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm. 251 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,214 Ow. It's because of your man strength, 252 00:09:09,606 --> 00:09:10,798 Man Perkins. 253 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,050 Let us in, Ann. 254 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,384 It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 255 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,303 'cause they're unflattering to my hands. 256 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,055 Sorry, guys. This is your penance. 257 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,507 You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry. 258 00:09:19,509 --> 00:09:21,643 Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry. 259 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,978 I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner. 260 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,347 Oh, Donna. You can come in. 261 00:09:26,349 --> 00:09:27,365 - [Gasps] - Okay. 262 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,516 - What? What about us? - [Snickers] 263 00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:30,702 - What? Donna! - Merry critches, bitches! 264 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,370 Donna, don't leave us! Donna? 265 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,688 Oh, well, whatever. 266 00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:35,907 It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? 267 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:37,325 [Gasps] Santa! 268 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,693 - They have a Santa! - Oh, my God. 269 00:09:38,695 --> 00:09:40,361 - What? - Aw! 270 00:09:40,363 --> 00:09:44,365 Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Awards. 271 00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:46,751 [Cheers and applause] 272 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,720 I'm your host, Martin Housely, 273 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:49,921 and wow, it's gonna be a great show-- 274 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:50,922 knock on wood. 275 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,974 [Laughter] 276 00:09:52,976 --> 00:09:55,376 - That's good. - Oh, my gosh. 277 00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:57,378 What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table! 278 00:09:57,380 --> 00:10:00,315 Tammy, this table is reserved. 279 00:10:00,317 --> 00:10:02,483 A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. 280 00:10:02,485 --> 00:10:04,485 That's my boob and my butt, respectively. 281 00:10:04,487 --> 00:10:06,521 Remember that, Ron? 282 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:07,906 Subtle. 283 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,557 Well, you know, they asked me if I would host this event, 284 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,561 and I said, "Would I?" [Laughter] 285 00:10:14,063 --> 00:10:16,063 Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. 286 00:10:16,065 --> 00:10:16,998 Gayle? 287 00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:22,069 - Happy holidays, Chris. - It's so good to see you. 288 00:10:22,071 --> 00:10:23,204 I have someone I'd like you to meet. 289 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,740 I'm Gayle Gergich. 290 00:10:27,009 --> 00:10:29,210 Gayle-- you're Gayle? 291 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,628 Jerry's beautiful wife... 292 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,264 - Oh. - Who looks like that. 293 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,582 - [Chuckles] - Gayle, I hope you're not 294 00:10:34,584 --> 00:10:36,684 in any way uncomfortable that I'm here, 295 00:10:36,686 --> 00:10:39,721 - since I dated your daughter. - Oh, not at all. 296 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,773 You're welcome here any time. 297 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,892 Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder. 298 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,093 Oh. 299 00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:49,897 - Well, look who's a silver fox. - [Laughs] 300 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,617 Will you look at that? 301 00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,569 I'm sorry, you're okay? 302 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,771 You don't feel like your body is in decay 303 00:10:56,773 --> 00:10:58,039 or death is inevitable? 304 00:10:58,041 --> 00:11:02,276 My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose. 305 00:11:02,278 --> 00:11:05,797 Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose. 306 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:10,335 Welcome, everybody, to another Gergich Christmas. 307 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,754 Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, 308 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,088 Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, 309 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:17,008 but our other two beauties-- Miriam and Gladys-- 310 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:20,011 are going to help Gayle and me play a little tune. 311 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,430 [Piano intro] 312 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:27,151 ♪ Here we go a-caroling, among the leaves so green ♪ 313 00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:30,438 - ♪ here we come a -wandering, so fair to be seen ♪ 314 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,640 Both: ♪ love and joy come to you ♪ 315 00:11:32,642 --> 00:11:34,993 ♪ and to you glad Christmas too ♪ 316 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:39,614 All: ♪ and God bless you and send you a happy new year ♪ 317 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:43,651 ♪ and God send you a happy new year ♪ 318 00:11:43,653 --> 00:11:47,455 [Cheers and applause] 319 00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:48,823 I'm going to call a cab. 320 00:11:48,825 --> 00:11:50,758 Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? 321 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:51,959 He's the one that didn't invite us 322 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,095 to his Christmas party. [Gasps] 323 00:11:54,097 --> 00:11:56,597 - Jerry Filter! - Jerry Filter! 324 00:11:56,599 --> 00:11:58,049 Who's Jerry Filter? 325 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,852 Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. 326 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,471 So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. 327 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,140 Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. 329 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,681 There's three years of nice messages on here. 330 00:12:13,683 --> 00:12:15,233 "Congratulations on your wedding. 331 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,368 I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry." 332 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:18,870 "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom." 333 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,906 I just tied my high score in Snake. 334 00:12:24,025 --> 00:12:27,729 Our next award is for "Achievement in Chairs." 335 00:12:27,731 --> 00:12:31,215 The nominees are: Asa Christiana for chair, 336 00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:33,217 Ron Swanson for chair, 337 00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:35,837 - H.W. Davenport for chair. - So exciting, Ron. 338 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,306 Okay, Ron, this is your moment. 339 00:12:38,308 --> 00:12:40,174 Tune her out. She's not even here. 340 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,843 And the winner is... 341 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,644 Ron Swanson for chair. 342 00:12:43,646 --> 00:12:46,714 Oh, wow! Whoo! 343 00:12:46,716 --> 00:12:50,735 [Applause] 344 00:12:54,723 --> 00:12:58,743 This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. 345 00:13:00,162 --> 00:13:03,364 I made my first chair when I was five, 346 00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,450 but the quality of the wood was wanting, 347 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,419 so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages 348 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:11,405 to purchase some beautiful local walnut. 349 00:13:13,742 --> 00:13:16,577 Uh, thank you... for this... 350 00:13:16,579 --> 00:13:19,714 Uh, this all good-- night good. 351 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,100 Uh... 352 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,135 There it is. 353 00:13:25,187 --> 00:13:29,390 [Hesitant applause] 354 00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:33,144 Hey, you're looking at a picture of Millie. 355 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,279 You want to take off, grab some vegan fries? 356 00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:37,115 She really was delightful. 357 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,266 I truly wish her all the best. 358 00:13:39,268 --> 00:13:42,904 Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. 359 00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,655 I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, 360 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,873 you would have fallen apart. 361 00:13:46,375 --> 00:13:47,942 [Chuckles] It's just a picture. 362 00:13:47,944 --> 00:13:49,577 - Millie! - Hi, mom! 363 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,045 Both: [Giggling] 364 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,080 We wanted to surprise you and come home early. 365 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,382 [Giggles] 366 00:13:54,384 --> 00:13:56,300 Oh, hey, Chris. 367 00:13:57,669 --> 00:13:58,920 Hi. 368 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,088 Let's take a moment now to remember 369 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,474 those woodworkers who are no longer with us, 370 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:07,127 and the beautiful coffins they all designed themselves. 371 00:14:07,129 --> 00:14:10,648 [Sad piano music] 372 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:11,649 Hey. 373 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,151 - Hey. - Have you seen Ron? 374 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,803 He disappeared after the speech and I can't find him anywhere. 375 00:14:15,805 --> 00:14:18,305 Diane-- ugh. The stuff with Tammy 376 00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:20,658 is so complex and weird and gross. 377 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,143 It just would probably be better if you let me handle it. 378 00:14:23,145 --> 00:14:24,645 I'm not worried about Tammy. 379 00:14:24,647 --> 00:14:26,814 I mean, I'm a middle school vice-principal. 380 00:14:26,816 --> 00:14:29,116 I deal with hormonal psychopaths all the time. 381 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,585 Oh, great. Good. 382 00:14:30,587 --> 00:14:33,153 - What concerns me is you. - You who? 383 00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:34,789 - You you. - You me? 384 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,323 You're the one who's been at his side all night. 385 00:14:36,325 --> 00:14:37,658 You're the one who's been protecting him, 386 00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,627 you're the one who knows all the intimate details 387 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,429 of his romantic history with that monster. 388 00:14:41,431 --> 00:14:43,514 Oh, no, no, no, no. Diane, you misunderstand. 389 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,099 I'm happily engaged. 390 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:48,102 You and Ron have an intimacy that I just don't understand, 391 00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:50,438 so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, 392 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,858 it's not Tammy. It's you. 393 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:56,027 Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts. 394 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,863 It's the big one: Best Desk. 395 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,364 [Applause] 396 00:15:02,556 --> 00:15:04,106 Where's Diane? I need her. 397 00:15:04,356 --> 00:15:05,806 - She left. - Of course. 398 00:15:05,808 --> 00:15:07,057 Tammy ruins everything. 399 00:15:07,059 --> 00:15:08,425 No, she left because of me. 400 00:15:09,027 --> 00:15:11,194 She's threatened by our relationship. 401 00:15:11,696 --> 00:15:13,030 [Laughs] 402 00:15:13,732 --> 00:15:14,648 That's ridiculous. 403 00:15:14,650 --> 00:15:16,984 I don't think of you romantically. 404 00:15:16,986 --> 00:15:19,319 You're pro-government, you never stop talking, 405 00:15:19,321 --> 00:15:21,622 and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare. 406 00:15:21,624 --> 00:15:23,407 Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" 407 00:15:23,409 --> 00:15:26,293 is every other man's "total package." 408 00:15:26,295 --> 00:15:28,278 But the point is, I don't think it's about dating. 409 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,447 I kind of see where Diane is coming from. 410 00:15:30,449 --> 00:15:33,617 We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life. 411 00:15:33,619 --> 00:15:34,885 I wouldn't say we're close. 412 00:15:34,887 --> 00:15:36,837 By Swanson standards, we're close. 413 00:15:36,839 --> 00:15:38,005 I know when your birthday is. 414 00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:39,423 So does Baskin-Robbins. 415 00:15:39,425 --> 00:15:41,892 I know that you secretly love artichokes 416 00:15:41,894 --> 00:15:43,727 - and plums. - Keep your voice down, woman! 417 00:15:45,313 --> 00:15:47,681 Fine, we're friends. So what do I do? 418 00:15:47,983 --> 00:15:49,600 Tammy's waiting for me in my car. 419 00:15:50,102 --> 00:15:52,653 I think you should take my car and go get Diane, 420 00:15:52,655 --> 00:15:55,105 and I will handle Tammy. 421 00:15:55,407 --> 00:15:56,323 Thank you. 422 00:15:56,325 --> 00:15:58,058 Protect your eyes, she's a gouger. 423 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:58,975 Good to know. 424 00:15:59,227 --> 00:16:01,745 Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl. 425 00:16:01,747 --> 00:16:03,413 - Well. - Hi, there. 426 00:16:03,415 --> 00:16:05,498 Hi. How did you two meet? 427 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:06,499 Whitewater rafting. 428 00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:08,368 He was the young rafting instructor 429 00:16:08,370 --> 00:16:09,619 all the girls were into, 430 00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:11,204 and I was the young rafting instructor 431 00:16:11,206 --> 00:16:12,339 all the guys were into... [Laughs] 432 00:16:12,341 --> 00:16:14,073 And then we got together. [Laughs] 433 00:16:14,075 --> 00:16:15,742 Ah, so random, right? 434 00:16:15,744 --> 00:16:19,012 What a story! I felt like my heart was whitewater rafting. 435 00:16:19,014 --> 00:16:20,797 [Laughter] Well, I won't keep you guys. 436 00:16:20,799 --> 00:16:22,098 It's good to see you. Mwah. 437 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,517 Oh, little tip, there is fat in the eggnog. 438 00:16:24,519 --> 00:16:25,852 Okay. [Chuckles] 439 00:16:26,354 --> 00:16:28,438 So how'd it go? You okay? 440 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,940 [Sighs] 441 00:16:29,942 --> 00:16:31,424 I'm fine. 442 00:16:31,426 --> 00:16:32,943 If therapy has taught me anything, 443 00:16:32,945 --> 00:16:34,761 it's that I need to face my fears, 444 00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:37,447 even when my fears are engaged to a man 445 00:16:37,449 --> 00:16:40,116 with the chiseled jawline of a young me. 446 00:16:40,118 --> 00:16:41,568 Thank you, Ben. 447 00:16:41,570 --> 00:16:42,736 Thank me? For what? 448 00:16:42,738 --> 00:16:44,938 For looking out for me tonight. 449 00:16:44,940 --> 00:16:46,456 You're a good friend. 450 00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:48,992 Hey... 451 00:16:48,994 --> 00:16:50,777 So Gayle and Jerry-- 452 00:16:50,779 --> 00:16:53,496 I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation. 453 00:16:55,249 --> 00:16:57,000 [Chuckles] 454 00:16:57,002 --> 00:16:58,835 Well, hello there, Big B-- 455 00:16:58,837 --> 00:17:02,305 Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron? 456 00:17:02,307 --> 00:17:03,974 Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. 457 00:17:03,976 --> 00:17:05,291 - [Scoffs] - You'll never get him back. 458 00:17:05,293 --> 00:17:08,061 Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. 459 00:17:08,063 --> 00:17:11,481 All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, 460 00:17:11,483 --> 00:17:12,966 and he's toast. 461 00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:15,635 Few hours, you say? 462 00:17:15,637 --> 00:17:16,686 Leslie! 463 00:17:16,688 --> 00:17:18,405 Stop this car! Where are we going? 464 00:17:18,407 --> 00:17:19,906 I don't know. 465 00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,975 You're gonna regret this! 466 00:17:23,644 --> 00:17:24,778 Well, hello again. 467 00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:26,446 You ready to be nice to Jerry? 468 00:17:26,448 --> 00:17:28,665 Because it's so cold out here, 469 00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:30,784 it reminds me of my wife's lasagna. 470 00:17:30,786 --> 00:17:32,652 I actually like that one. 471 00:17:32,654 --> 00:17:35,121 Hey, guys! I thought you weren't coming. 472 00:17:35,123 --> 00:17:37,257 I--you know, never got your RSVP. 473 00:17:37,259 --> 00:17:40,510 Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift. Merry Christmas. 474 00:17:40,512 --> 00:17:41,795 Yeah, just-- 475 00:17:41,797 --> 00:17:43,830 we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, 476 00:17:43,832 --> 00:17:46,683 since you almost farted yourself to death. 477 00:17:46,685 --> 00:17:48,134 Every time we did something mean, 478 00:17:48,136 --> 00:17:50,003 we put a dollar in a box. 479 00:17:50,005 --> 00:17:52,973 Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth. 480 00:17:53,475 --> 00:17:55,558 Okay, well, come on in! It's a party. 481 00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:03,650 Uh-- Oh, jeez. 482 00:18:03,652 --> 00:18:06,236 - Give me the keys! - No! 483 00:18:06,238 --> 00:18:08,488 - Give 'em to me! - Never! 484 00:18:08,490 --> 00:18:10,540 Hey, game over, Tammy. 485 00:18:10,542 --> 00:18:13,326 - What? You--! - Ah! 486 00:18:13,328 --> 00:18:15,028 I'm going in! 487 00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:16,129 [Screams] 488 00:18:16,131 --> 00:18:20,050 [Both struggling] 489 00:18:20,052 --> 00:18:22,419 Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now. 490 00:18:22,421 --> 00:18:24,004 What is wrong with you? 491 00:18:24,006 --> 00:18:25,638 Oh, yeah, tell me you're not feeling this. 492 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,140 You are so crazy! 493 00:18:27,142 --> 00:18:28,391 I got 'em! 494 00:18:28,393 --> 00:18:29,476 - I got 'em. - No! 495 00:18:29,478 --> 00:18:30,894 [Both struggling] 496 00:18:30,896 --> 00:18:32,145 - No! - Ah! 497 00:18:32,147 --> 00:18:33,313 You'll never catch me! 498 00:18:33,315 --> 00:18:34,931 Come back here-- Ow! 499 00:18:34,933 --> 00:18:36,099 - [Cackles] - You are not 500 00:18:36,101 --> 00:18:37,183 gonna ruin this night! 501 00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:38,651 - Get away from this car! - No! 502 00:18:39,153 --> 00:18:40,487 [Screams] What are you doing? 503 00:18:40,489 --> 00:18:41,855 You're crazy! 504 00:18:41,857 --> 00:18:44,557 Ron! Ron! Ha! 505 00:18:44,559 --> 00:18:45,558 You're too late! 506 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,860 - [Yells] - [Starts] 507 00:18:46,862 --> 00:18:49,662 - [Humming] - No! No, no, no, no, no, no! 508 00:18:50,664 --> 00:18:54,434 She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder 509 00:18:54,436 --> 00:18:56,252 if I was ever gonna get to that point. 510 00:18:56,544 --> 00:18:58,288 I'm worried that maybe 511 00:18:58,290 --> 00:19:00,507 there isn't room in your life for another woman. 512 00:19:00,509 --> 00:19:03,460 At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself 513 00:19:03,462 --> 00:19:07,547 in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you. 514 00:19:07,849 --> 00:19:10,100 Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, 515 00:19:10,102 --> 00:19:12,052 who is very important in my life, 516 00:19:12,054 --> 00:19:14,354 but I would sooner visit Europe 517 00:19:14,356 --> 00:19:16,940 than have something romantic happen between us. 518 00:19:16,942 --> 00:19:20,426 Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, 519 00:19:20,428 --> 00:19:22,896 I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. 520 00:19:23,498 --> 00:19:25,698 But not France, right? 521 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:26,733 God, no. 522 00:19:26,735 --> 00:19:28,935 [Laughs] 523 00:19:28,937 --> 00:19:31,404 See? You know me pretty well already, 524 00:19:31,406 --> 00:19:34,541 but you're about to get to know me even better. 525 00:19:34,543 --> 00:19:37,210 I brought you here because I want to show you something 526 00:19:37,212 --> 00:19:39,079 that almost no one knows about-- 527 00:19:39,081 --> 00:19:42,632 certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie Knope. 528 00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:46,219 Ladies and gentleman, and especially the ladies, 529 00:19:46,221 --> 00:19:49,389 put your hands together for the one, the only, 530 00:19:49,391 --> 00:19:52,458 my man, Mr. Duke Silver. 531 00:19:52,460 --> 00:19:56,346 [Cheers and applause] 532 00:19:56,348 --> 00:19:59,182 A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. 533 00:19:59,184 --> 00:20:02,435 - Yeah. - It might be cold outside, 534 00:20:02,437 --> 00:20:05,772 but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz. 535 00:20:05,774 --> 00:20:06,773 [Laughter] 536 00:20:06,775 --> 00:20:08,825 I, of course, am Duke Silver, 537 00:20:08,827 --> 00:20:11,811 and I would like to dedicate this first song... 538 00:20:11,813 --> 00:20:13,146 To my duchess. 539 00:20:13,148 --> 00:20:16,149 [Jazzy version of Hark! The Herald Angels Sing] 540 00:20:16,151 --> 00:20:18,484 ♪ 541 00:20:18,486 --> 00:20:20,503 You're so lucky. 542 00:20:22,706 --> 00:20:25,041 I'm going to kill you. 543 00:20:25,043 --> 00:20:26,643 ♪ 544 00:20:30,665 --> 00:20:33,499 I think it's time to officially retire 545 00:20:33,501 --> 00:20:36,502 as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, 546 00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:38,838 and she seems more than up to the task. 547 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,524 I mean, I'd do anything for Ron-- 548 00:20:41,526 --> 00:20:45,011 even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. 549 00:20:45,313 --> 00:20:49,015 But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now. 550 00:20:49,017 --> 00:20:50,033 - Hi. - [Screams] 551 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,704 - Officer Skorggel. - I pulled over 552 00:20:53,805 --> 00:20:57,057 a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically. 553 00:20:57,108 --> 00:20:58,875 Ran the plates, saw it was your car. 554 00:20:59,310 --> 00:21:00,377 Figured it was stolen. 555 00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:02,346 Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, 556 00:21:02,364 --> 00:21:04,848 so I can put you into these handcuffs. 557 00:21:04,866 --> 00:21:07,251 Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs. 558 00:21:07,285 --> 00:21:08,685 I want this to be a fair fight. 559 00:21:09,204 --> 00:21:12,189 Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? 560 00:21:12,207 --> 00:21:13,591 [Thumping from trunk] 561 00:21:13,607 --> 00:21:14,691 Ron! 562 00:21:14,826 --> 00:21:15,759 There we go. 563 00:21:16,044 --> 00:21:17,444 Hey! [Thumping] 564 00:21:20,644 --> 00:21:21,844 Help.