1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:05,052
Okay, now holding sides
of hearth in position,
2
00:00:05,054 --> 00:00:07,037
lower mantelpiece assembly
3
00:00:07,039 --> 00:00:10,007
onto top tabs.
4
00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:13,560
Look at that, I built a
fireplace with my own two hands.
5
00:00:13,562 --> 00:00:15,813
You're so butch.
6
00:00:15,815 --> 00:00:18,098
Aw, I got a little paper cut.
7
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:20,017
Of course you did.
8
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:22,219
Your hands are
softer than veal.
9
00:00:23,905 --> 00:00:25,939
Oh, before I forget,
Saturday I'm planning a little
10
00:00:25,941 --> 00:00:28,025
Dungeons and Dragons night
with the guys.
11
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:30,277
Really? That's how you're gonna
spend your Saturday night?
12
00:00:30,279 --> 00:00:32,396
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get
a chance to play anymore.
13
00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:33,664
Oh, you poor thing.
14
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:35,699
Is having a real-life girlfriend
who has sex with you
15
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:38,535
getting in the way
of your board games?
16
00:00:38,537 --> 00:00:41,555
Little bit, yeah.
17
00:00:42,841 --> 00:00:46,343
Oh, great! I've always wanted
to play Dungeons and Dragons.
18
00:00:46,345 --> 00:00:47,744
Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.
19
00:00:47,746 --> 00:00:49,680
I should've mentioned
this earlier.
20
00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:50,881
You're not invited.
21
00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:54,935
Why not?
Amy,
22
00:00:54,937 --> 00:00:58,422
from time to time,
we men need to break free
23
00:00:58,424 --> 00:01:01,692
from the shackles
of civility and get in touch
24
00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:05,062
with our primal
animalistic selves.
25
00:01:05,064 --> 00:01:07,348
By rolling dice
and playing make-believe
26
00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:08,832
with little figurines?
27
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:11,201
Yeah, like a bunch of savages.
28
00:01:12,370 --> 00:01:14,288
Saturday night?
29
00:01:14,290 --> 00:01:15,823
But I've been working
late all week.
30
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:16,990
That was gonna be our night.
31
00:01:16,992 --> 00:01:18,292
But I have to go.
32
00:01:18,294 --> 00:01:19,609
We play as a group.
33
00:01:19,611 --> 00:01:22,629
If-if I'm not there,
then everyone will blame you.
34
00:01:22,631 --> 00:01:25,049
They'll be all,
"Bernadette ruined everything.
35
00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,834
She's the worst."
36
00:01:28,103 --> 00:01:29,619
So, you see?
37
00:01:29,621 --> 00:01:32,923
I have to play
Dungeons and Dragons...
38
00:01:32,925 --> 00:01:35,092
for the marriage.
39
00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:37,961
You're an idiot.
40
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:39,997
I'm your idiot.
41
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:43,200
Forever.
42
00:01:43,202 --> 00:01:46,987
So, listen, I know we talked
about getting a bite to eat
43
00:01:46,989 --> 00:01:49,473
in Silver Lake, and then seeing
the Christmas lights
44
00:01:49,475 --> 00:01:52,242
in Griffith Park,
but Leonard's talking about
45
00:01:52,244 --> 00:01:54,578
a big D and D game at his place.
46
00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:57,281
Saturday night just went
from crazy to epic!
47
00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:58,615
Woo-hoo!
48
00:01:58,617 --> 00:02:02,002
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
49
00:02:02,004 --> 00:02:05,655
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
50
00:02:05,657 --> 00:02:07,174
♪ The Earth began to cool
51
00:02:07,176 --> 00:02:10,110
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
52
00:02:10,112 --> 00:02:12,279
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
53
00:02:12,281 --> 00:02:14,832
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
54
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,101
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
55
00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:18,103
♪ Bang! ♪
56
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:20,604
♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x11 ♪
The Santa Simulation
Original Air Date on December 13, 2012
57
00:02:21,105 --> 00:02:23,605
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
58
00:02:23,606 --> 00:02:26,475
All right, Sheldon,
to start our quest,
59
00:02:26,476 --> 00:02:29,060
you need to open this little
Christmas gift I got you.
60
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,877
A Christmas gift?
61
00:02:30,879 --> 00:02:33,230
You know I don't
enjoy Christmas.
62
00:02:34,048 --> 00:02:35,565
What's wrong
with Christmas?
63
00:02:35,567 --> 00:02:36,800
Oh, where to begin?
64
00:02:36,802 --> 00:02:39,052
Trees indoors.
65
00:02:39,054 --> 00:02:42,706
Overuse of the words
"'tis" and "'twas."
66
00:02:42,708 --> 00:02:45,242
And the absurd custom
of one stocking.
67
00:02:45,244 --> 00:02:48,278
Everyone knows socks
belong in pas.
68
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,746
Who uses one sock?
69
00:02:49,748 --> 00:02:52,215
Pirate with a peg leg?
70
00:02:52,217 --> 00:02:54,801
Actually that helps,
thank you.
71
00:02:55,636 --> 00:02:56,953
Would you just look inside?
72
00:02:58,724 --> 00:03:00,623
Oh, a scroll.
73
00:03:00,625 --> 00:03:02,008
I like scrolls.
74
00:03:02,010 --> 00:03:03,126
They're my third
75
00:03:03,128 --> 00:03:04,477
favorite system of transmitting
76
00:03:04,479 --> 00:03:05,979
the written word.
77
00:03:05,981 --> 00:03:08,765
After stone tablets
and skywriting.
78
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,801
"You have all been
summoned to join
79
00:03:11,803 --> 00:03:14,070
"a thrilling Dungeons
and Dragons adventure.
80
00:03:14,072 --> 00:03:15,105
"Your quest begins
81
00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:17,691
"in a secret northern
village of elves
82
00:03:17,693 --> 00:03:19,442
who have all been massacred."
83
00:03:19,444 --> 00:03:21,578
I like
where this is heading.
84
00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:22,862
"Your task
85
00:03:22,864 --> 00:03:25,999
is to rescue their leader
from a dungeon of ogres."
86
00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:27,984
Oh, that's a saucy twist.
87
00:03:27,986 --> 00:03:29,202
"That leader's name:
88
00:03:29,204 --> 00:03:30,820
Santa Claus""
89
00:03:30,822 --> 00:03:33,006
No, no, no!
90
00:03:33,008 --> 00:03:34,674
It's actually, "Ho, ho, ho,"
91
00:03:34,676 --> 00:03:36,593
but you'll get the hang of it.
92
00:03:37,511 --> 00:03:38,678
Thought it'd be fun to make
93
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,846
a quest with a holiday theme.
94
00:03:39,848 --> 00:03:41,014
Fun?
95
00:03:41,016 --> 00:03:43,133
Mixing Dungeons and Dragons
with Christmas is
96
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:45,385
like making a sandwich
of grape jelly,
97
00:03:45,387 --> 00:03:46,686
the best-tasting jelly,
98
00:03:46,688 --> 00:03:50,307
and petroleum jelly,
the worst-tasting jelly.
99
00:03:50,309 --> 00:03:52,175
Okay, here we go.
100
00:03:52,177 --> 00:03:53,977
"You find yourselves
101
00:03:53,979 --> 00:03:56,179
"in the smoking remains
of Santa's village.
102
00:03:56,181 --> 00:03:58,865
Clearly, a great battle
has taken place."
103
00:03:58,867 --> 00:04:00,400
Oh, man, the first
monster I see,
104
00:04:00,402 --> 00:04:02,736
I'm gonna sneak up behind
him, whip out my wand,
105
00:04:02,738 --> 00:04:06,356
and shoot my magic
all over his ass.
106
00:04:08,442 --> 00:04:11,661
Do you hear yourself
when you say these things?
107
00:04:12,463 --> 00:04:13,596
Okay,
108
00:04:13,598 --> 00:04:15,131
there are ogre
tracks and a trail
109
00:04:15,133 --> 00:04:16,800
of broken candy
canes in the snow.
110
00:04:16,802 --> 00:04:17,834
Sheldon, what do you do?
111
00:04:17,836 --> 00:04:20,720
I signal my contempt
for your cruel plan
112
00:04:20,722 --> 00:04:22,389
to shove Christmas joy
down my throat
113
00:04:22,391 --> 00:04:26,542
by making a gesture that says,
"Get a load of this guy."
114
00:04:27,544 --> 00:04:29,012
Fine. Howard, what do you do?
115
00:04:29,014 --> 00:04:33,266
I follow the ogre tracks,
checking for secret doors
116
00:04:33,268 --> 00:04:35,235
along the way.
117
00:04:35,237 --> 00:04:38,104
And you discover a secret door
leading to a dark corridor.
118
00:04:38,106 --> 00:04:40,273
Okay, guys, let's make a plan:
spell casters in the back,
119
00:04:40,275 --> 00:04:41,524
warriors in the front...
120
00:04:41,526 --> 00:04:42,993
No, screw that noise,
I'm going in.
121
00:04:42,995 --> 00:04:46,562
Hang on, Santa,
I'm coming for you!
122
00:04:47,698 --> 00:04:50,583
Okay, you run into
a room full of weapons,
123
00:04:50,585 --> 00:04:52,185
hit a trip wire...
124
00:04:53,738 --> 00:04:56,506
...a cannon blows your face off,
you die, you're out of the game.
125
00:04:57,925 --> 00:04:59,926
But... a canon?
126
00:04:59,928 --> 00:05:01,911
Am I really out of the game?
127
00:05:01,913 --> 00:05:04,681
Lucky.
128
00:05:04,683 --> 00:05:05,932
Okay, come on, moving on.
129
00:05:05,934 --> 00:05:09,052
Wait, doesn't anyone have
a roof resurrection?
130
00:05:09,054 --> 00:05:12,922
Because if you've got
one, I need it bad.
131
00:05:14,591 --> 00:05:17,260
Get in here with your rod
and give it to me.
132
00:05:18,396 --> 00:05:19,963
Okay, you need
to say these things
133
00:05:19,965 --> 00:05:22,048
in your head before
you say them out loud.
134
00:05:23,185 --> 00:05:25,351
Hey, guys.
135
00:05:25,353 --> 00:05:26,936
I don't mean to interrupt
your little game,
136
00:05:26,938 --> 00:05:28,738
but I thought you'd like to see
what you're missing out on.
137
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:29,789
So...
138
00:05:29,791 --> 00:05:32,042
Bernadette?
139
00:05:37,465 --> 00:05:39,966
Bernadette's wearing
leopard-print pumps
140
00:05:39,968 --> 00:05:43,119
and a rack-tastic red dress
from Forever 21.
141
00:05:49,143 --> 00:05:50,677
And there's Amy,
142
00:05:50,679 --> 00:05:52,345
showing all kinds of ankle.
143
00:05:53,514 --> 00:05:57,350
In an outfit I'm assuming is
from Forever 63.
144
00:05:59,103 --> 00:06:01,271
And I, myself...
145
00:06:03,474 --> 00:06:05,308
...am wearing a little
number that got me
146
00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:07,777
out of two speeding
tickets and jury duty.
147
00:06:08,746 --> 00:06:10,697
I know they're making
a rhetorical point,
148
00:06:10,699 --> 00:06:12,815
I just don't know what it is.
149
00:06:12,817 --> 00:06:14,667
See you, boys. We
are going drinking.
150
00:06:14,669 --> 00:06:16,419
Uh, wait,
can I come with you?
151
00:06:16,421 --> 00:06:18,721
My character died.
152
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:20,840
Sorry, Raj,
it's girls' night out.
153
00:06:20,842 --> 00:06:22,959
Maybe another time.
154
00:06:25,464 --> 00:06:26,996
Okay...
155
00:06:26,998 --> 00:06:28,498
Come on.
156
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:29,832
Ooh!
157
00:06:29,834 --> 00:06:33,836
Girls' night, girls' night!
158
00:06:35,990 --> 00:06:38,641
How does he not hear that?
159
00:06:40,945 --> 00:06:42,112
So, what's the plan?
160
00:06:42,114 --> 00:06:43,780
Are we gonna teach
our fellas a lesson
161
00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:46,149
by getting stinking drunk,
luring strange men
162
00:06:46,151 --> 00:06:48,067
into the bathroom,
and turning the toilet stall
163
00:06:48,069 --> 00:06:50,653
into a temple of the senses?
164
00:06:50,655 --> 00:06:52,122
No!
No!
165
00:06:52,124 --> 00:06:55,241
Geez, who's Forever 63 now?
166
00:06:56,627 --> 00:06:59,195
Can we get another bottle of
champagne for the table?
167
00:06:59,197 --> 00:07:00,196
Don't worry.
168
00:07:00,198 --> 00:07:01,697
It's my treat.
169
00:07:01,699 --> 00:07:02,966
Thanks.
Wow!
170
00:07:02,968 --> 00:07:04,501
You should come
to girls' night more often.
171
00:07:04,503 --> 00:07:06,085
And not just because
if you weren't here,
172
00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:08,371
this would be a can of Pabst.
173
00:07:08,373 --> 00:07:10,056
My pleasure; nothing
makes me happier
174
00:07:10,058 --> 00:07:11,724
than the chance
to spoil a lady.
175
00:07:11,726 --> 00:07:13,092
Just ask my dog.
176
00:07:13,094 --> 00:07:15,378
My vet says if I give her
any more foie gras,
177
00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:17,397
she's going to die of gout.
178
00:07:17,399 --> 00:07:20,600
Hey, let's help Raj
meet a girl tonight.
179
00:07:20,602 --> 00:07:23,052
No, no, no, I'm fine.
Okay, wait, are we talking
180
00:07:23,054 --> 00:07:25,822
one-night stand or do we want
to get him into a relationship?
181
00:07:25,824 --> 00:07:28,024
Let's get him laid!
182
00:07:28,943 --> 00:07:31,778
Stop it.
You're ruining girls' night.
183
00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:34,697
Raj, you're a great guy,
184
00:07:34,699 --> 00:07:37,083
you're in a bar full of
single women; let us help you.
185
00:07:37,085 --> 00:07:38,418
Yeah, you're
a real catch.
186
00:07:38,420 --> 00:07:40,003
I know you're shy,
but that doesn't mean
187
00:07:40,005 --> 00:07:41,788
you shouldn't have someone
wonderful in your life.
188
00:07:41,790 --> 00:07:43,122
That's sweet of you.
189
00:07:43,124 --> 00:07:44,407
But what can you do to help?
190
00:07:44,409 --> 00:07:45,842
We'll nose around,
191
00:07:45,844 --> 00:07:48,461
see if we can find a nice girl,
and then introduce you.
192
00:07:48,463 --> 00:07:49,745
Okay.
193
00:07:49,747 --> 00:07:51,130
Well, a couple of things.
194
00:07:51,132 --> 00:07:53,099
Don't tell them
I come from money.
195
00:07:53,101 --> 00:07:55,685
I want them to love me for me.
196
00:07:57,188 --> 00:07:59,422
They must be insanely hot.
197
00:08:00,808 --> 00:08:03,526
Like, nines or tens.
198
00:08:03,528 --> 00:08:05,311
Nines or tens?
199
00:08:05,313 --> 00:08:06,762
Okay, an eight is acceptable
200
00:08:06,764 --> 00:08:10,033
if she's willing to bring
another eight to the hot tub.
201
00:08:10,035 --> 00:08:11,534
Bottom line:
you'll take
202
00:08:11,536 --> 00:08:12,735
any woman who'll
have you, right?
203
00:08:12,737 --> 00:08:14,320
In a New Delhi minute.
204
00:08:16,423 --> 00:08:19,275
I don't remember you buying
these miniatures in my store.
205
00:08:19,277 --> 00:08:20,710
Oh, uh, yeah.
206
00:08:20,712 --> 00:08:22,795
I got 'em on Amazon.
207
00:08:22,797 --> 00:08:24,280
Sure. I get it.
208
00:08:24,282 --> 00:08:26,082
Why support a friend
209
00:08:26,084 --> 00:08:28,334
when you can support
a multinational conglomerate
210
00:08:28,336 --> 00:08:31,254
that is crushing the life
out of that friend?
211
00:08:31,256 --> 00:08:35,625
I know, but when I shop online,
I can do it on the toilet.
212
00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:36,959
Have you seen my store?
213
00:08:36,961 --> 00:08:38,478
The whole place is a toilet.
214
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,963
C-Can we please move this along?
215
00:08:40,965 --> 00:08:41,998
Yeah, sorry.
216
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,467
Uh, you come to the
end of the tunnel
217
00:08:44,469 --> 00:08:45,652
and find a large chest.
218
00:08:45,654 --> 00:08:46,653
What do you do?
219
00:08:46,655 --> 00:08:48,104
And, Howard, do not say,
220
00:08:48,106 --> 00:08:51,157
"I feel up the large chest."
221
00:08:51,159 --> 00:08:53,526
Excuse me,
I'm a married man now.
222
00:08:53,528 --> 00:08:55,978
I wasn't going to say
anything so juvenile.
223
00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:56,946
Great. What do you do?
224
00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:57,947
I walk up
225
00:08:57,949 --> 00:08:59,315
to the large chest,
226
00:08:59,317 --> 00:09:03,369
bury my face in it
and go.
227
00:09:06,273 --> 00:09:07,674
I open the chest.
228
00:09:07,676 --> 00:09:10,760
It's locked, but suddenly
the door behind you slams shut
229
00:09:10,762 --> 00:09:13,463
and now the walls of the room
start closing in.
230
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:14,547
That's not good.
231
00:09:14,549 --> 00:09:17,267
My character and I
both have claustrophobia.
232
00:09:17,269 --> 00:09:19,835
Glowing letters appear
on the chest that read,
233
00:09:19,837 --> 00:09:22,338
"If squashed to death
you wish not to be,
234
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:24,857
sing of Svaty Vaclav
and his victory."
235
00:09:24,859 --> 00:09:27,009
Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
Walls are getting closer.
236
00:09:27,011 --> 00:09:29,228
Oh, boy, happy place,
happy place.
237
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:32,899
Wait, Svaty Vaclav was
the Duke of Bohemia.
238
00:09:32,901 --> 00:09:34,200
You're ten seconds away
from getting crushed!
239
00:09:34,202 --> 00:09:35,285
Nine, eight...
240
00:09:35,287 --> 00:09:36,286
What are we supposed to do?
241
00:09:36,288 --> 00:09:38,071
...seven, six...
Wait, wait.
242
00:09:38,073 --> 00:09:40,790
Svaty Vaclav is better known
as Good King Wenceslas
243
00:09:40,792 --> 00:09:42,575
from the beloved
Victorian Christmas carol.
244
00:09:42,577 --> 00:09:43,960
Never heard of it.
245
00:09:43,962 --> 00:09:46,329
Must be the one Christmas song
not written by a Jewish guy.
246
00:09:46,331 --> 00:09:48,464
...three, two...
247
00:09:48,466 --> 00:09:50,216
Somebody sing the damn song!
248
00:09:50,218 --> 00:09:51,634
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
249
00:09:51,636 --> 00:09:53,586
♪ On the feast of Stephen
250
00:09:53,588 --> 00:09:54,870
♪ When the snow lay
'round about ♪
251
00:09:54,872 --> 00:09:57,440
♪ Deep and crisp and even
252
00:09:57,442 --> 00:09:58,558
The walls are getting slower.
253
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,476
♪ Brightly shone the moon
that night ♪
254
00:10:00,478 --> 00:10:02,211
♪ Though the frost
was cru-el ♪
255
00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:04,046
♪ When a poor man
came in sight ♪
256
00:10:04,048 --> 00:10:07,550
♪ Gath'ring winter fu-el
257
00:10:10,437 --> 00:10:12,772
The walls stop! You're safe!
258
00:10:13,390 --> 00:10:14,440
That was amazing, Sheldon.
259
00:10:14,442 --> 00:10:16,192
How did you know that?
It was simple.
260
00:10:16,194 --> 00:10:18,578
I combined a well-known,
historical fact
261
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:20,580
about Bohemia with the memory
of my grandparents,
262
00:10:20,582 --> 00:10:23,166
Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop,
singing Christmas carols
263
00:10:23,168 --> 00:10:25,752
while I sat in front of the fire
and tried to build
264
00:10:25,754 --> 00:10:28,454
a high-energy particle
accelerator out of Legos.
265
00:10:28,456 --> 00:10:30,790
Okay, continuing
our quest.
266
00:10:30,792 --> 00:10:31,891
W-W-Wait.
267
00:10:31,893 --> 00:10:33,176
There's still four more verses.
268
00:10:33,178 --> 00:10:34,927
You don't sing a song
and not finish it.
269
00:10:34,929 --> 00:10:36,912
♪ Hither, page,
and stand by me ♪
270
00:10:36,914 --> 00:10:38,514
♪ If thou know'st it,
telling ♪
271
00:10:38,516 --> 00:10:40,466
♪ Yonder peasant, who is he?
272
00:10:40,468 --> 00:10:42,251
♪ Where and what his dwelling?
273
00:10:42,253 --> 00:10:45,071
♪ Brightly shone the moon that
night, though the frost... ♪
274
00:10:50,446 --> 00:10:52,412
Looks like he's
doing pretty good.
275
00:10:52,414 --> 00:10:53,530
Of course he is.
276
00:10:53,532 --> 00:10:55,749
Look, that girl just got
dumped by her boyfriend.
277
00:10:55,751 --> 00:10:57,200
She's angry, she's drunk,
278
00:10:57,202 --> 00:10:59,336
and her favorite movie
is Slumdog Millionaire.
279
00:10:59,338 --> 00:11:00,320
I mean...
280
00:11:00,322 --> 00:11:02,822
That is some low-hanging fruit.
281
00:11:03,641 --> 00:11:05,475
Oh, here he comes.
282
00:11:05,477 --> 00:11:07,277
So, how'd it go?
Great.
283
00:11:07,279 --> 00:11:08,779
I bought her a couple
of drinks,
284
00:11:08,781 --> 00:11:10,647
and she gave me
her e-mail address.
285
00:11:10,649 --> 00:11:12,349
Ooh!
286
00:11:12,351 --> 00:11:17,637
"Jennifer@not-even-if-you-were-
the-last-guy-on-earth.loser""
287
00:11:18,473 --> 00:11:19,556
What?
288
00:11:19,558 --> 00:11:21,024
I'm sorry, Raj.
289
00:11:21,026 --> 00:11:23,610
Why can't I find someone?
290
00:11:23,612 --> 00:11:25,228
I'm smart, I've got a cool job,
291
00:11:25,230 --> 00:11:27,314
and my naturally
bronzed complexion
292
00:11:27,316 --> 00:11:28,815
means I can pull off
mustard yellow
293
00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,684
in a way most guys can't.
294
00:11:31,536 --> 00:11:33,686
Oh, honey,
it's not you, it's them.
295
00:11:33,688 --> 00:11:34,687
No, it's not.
296
00:11:34,689 --> 00:11:37,124
She was too beautiful for me.
297
00:11:37,126 --> 00:11:39,659
Why would you say that?
It's true.
298
00:11:39,661 --> 00:11:42,079
I'm always attracted
to women I can't have.
299
00:11:42,081 --> 00:11:43,413
I do it all the time.
300
00:11:43,415 --> 00:11:45,698
I did the same thing
with the two of you.
301
00:11:46,417 --> 00:11:47,417
The two of them?
302
00:11:47,419 --> 00:11:50,003
I don't understand.
303
00:11:50,005 --> 00:11:53,540
Well, uh, there was a time
when I had a thing for Penny,
304
00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:55,058
and I thought she
was into me, too,
305
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:57,644
because she got drunk and naked
and climbed into bed with me.
306
00:11:57,646 --> 00:12:00,931
But apparently
I misread those signals.
307
00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:05,018
And you liked Bernadette also?
308
00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:06,937
That was before Penny.
309
00:12:06,939 --> 00:12:08,738
I make it a rule
to only fall for
310
00:12:08,740 --> 00:12:11,608
one of my friends'
girlfriends at a time.
311
00:12:11,610 --> 00:12:14,227
I'm very old-fashioned that way.
312
00:12:14,229 --> 00:12:16,997
So at, uh, some point,
313
00:12:16,999 --> 00:12:20,200
you probably had
a thing for me, too.
314
00:12:21,452 --> 00:12:23,753
No, not really.
315
00:12:25,706 --> 00:12:29,459
Oh, come on, Raj,
not even a little bit?
316
00:12:29,461 --> 00:12:32,078
Not that I can think of.
317
00:12:33,414 --> 00:12:36,082
Think harder.
318
00:12:36,917 --> 00:12:38,552
Nope.
319
00:12:39,587 --> 00:12:41,138
I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.
320
00:12:41,140 --> 00:12:42,140
Or in this case, doesn't.
321
00:12:42,141 --> 00:12:44,941
I mean, at all.
322
00:12:47,395 --> 00:12:49,396
What?
323
00:12:51,449 --> 00:12:54,034
♪ Ye who now will
bless the poor ♪
324
00:12:54,036 --> 00:12:57,070
♪ Shall yourselves
find blessing ♪
325
00:12:57,072 --> 00:12:58,321
♪ Ba-da-bum.
326
00:12:59,624 --> 00:13:01,608
Done?
327
00:13:01,610 --> 00:13:05,111
I think the word you're
looking for is "bravo."
328
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,281
Okay, you leave the room
and find yourself
329
00:13:08,283 --> 00:13:10,717
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.
330
00:13:10,719 --> 00:13:11,968
Melted snowmen?
331
00:13:11,970 --> 00:13:14,137
Are there carrots
and lumps of coal in the water?
332
00:13:14,139 --> 00:13:15,422
I don't know.
What's the difference?
333
00:13:15,424 --> 00:13:17,641
It's a game of
the imagination, Leonard.
334
00:13:17,643 --> 00:13:18,625
Paint a picture.
335
00:13:18,627 --> 00:13:19,676
Fine.
336
00:13:19,678 --> 00:13:21,178
You leave the room
and find yourself
337
00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:22,896
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.
338
00:13:22,898 --> 00:13:24,797
There are carrots and
lumps of coal in the water.
339
00:13:24,799 --> 00:13:27,651
What happened to the
top hats and the corncob pipes?
340
00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:29,402
You see those, too.
341
00:13:29,404 --> 00:13:32,138
Oh, it's like I'm really there.
342
00:13:34,308 --> 00:13:37,810
I gotta tell you, this-this is
the most holiday fun I've had
343
00:13:37,812 --> 00:13:40,980
since my therapist changed
my anxiety medication
344
00:13:40,982 --> 00:13:43,816
and I stopped caring about
the blood in my stool.
345
00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:48,154
Good story.
346
00:13:49,090 --> 00:13:50,373
What are you drinking there?
347
00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:51,424
Little eggnog?
348
00:13:51,426 --> 00:13:52,676
Yes.
349
00:13:52,678 --> 00:13:53,960
What, is there a problem?
350
00:13:53,962 --> 00:13:57,013
No, it's nice to see you
enjoying a holiday beverage.
351
00:13:57,015 --> 00:13:58,164
Pretty Christmasy.
352
00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:00,600
Since when is eggnog
a Christmas drink?
353
00:14:02,002 --> 00:14:03,637
Eggs are available
all year 'round.
354
00:14:03,639 --> 00:14:06,890
I've been known to
enjoy this poolside.
355
00:14:06,892 --> 00:14:08,975
Come on, Sheldon.
356
00:14:08,977 --> 00:14:11,010
You know all the Christmas
stories, and the carols,
357
00:14:11,012 --> 00:14:13,230
you've got an eggnog
mustache going on there.
358
00:14:13,232 --> 00:14:14,514
Just admit it.
359
00:14:14,516 --> 00:14:16,116
You're getting
a little Yuletide spirit.
360
00:14:16,118 --> 00:14:17,617
Oh, don't be silly.
361
00:14:17,619 --> 00:14:20,537
Christmas is a bunch of baloney
created by the tinsel industry.
362
00:14:21,372 --> 00:14:23,356
Why is this so important to you?
363
00:14:23,358 --> 00:14:25,458
Honestly, because I had enough
crappy Christmases as a kid
364
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:27,544
and I'm tired of you
sucking the joy out of them now.
365
00:14:27,546 --> 00:14:29,379
What was so bad
about them?
366
00:14:29,381 --> 00:14:32,299
I grew up in a house
full of crazy academics.
367
00:14:32,301 --> 00:14:34,501
Instead of leaving Santa
milk and cookies,
368
00:14:34,503 --> 00:14:36,803
we had to leave him
a research paper.
369
00:14:38,506 --> 00:14:40,707
And in the morning,
you could tell he'd been there
370
00:14:40,709 --> 00:14:42,475
because the paper
would be graded.
371
00:14:43,644 --> 00:14:45,145
No wonder you love Christmas.
372
00:14:45,147 --> 00:14:47,397
That sounds amazing.
373
00:14:47,399 --> 00:14:49,382
It wasn't amazing.
374
00:14:49,384 --> 00:14:52,218
I got a C-minus
four years in a row.
375
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,720
Yeah, I'm familiar
with your work.
376
00:14:53,722 --> 00:14:55,071
C-minus was your gift.
377
00:14:58,159 --> 00:15:00,910
Amy, I'm really sorry.
378
00:15:00,912 --> 00:15:02,662
I didn't mean to upset you.
379
00:15:02,664 --> 00:15:03,997
It's fine.
380
00:15:03,999 --> 00:15:06,232
I'm used to being the girl
who never gets looked at twice.
381
00:15:06,234 --> 00:15:09,252
I didn't have my first kiss
till I was 22,
382
00:15:09,254 --> 00:15:12,405
and the guy only did it so
I'd give him back his insulin.
383
00:15:14,592 --> 00:15:18,795
Sometimes the pancreas wants
what the pancreas wants.
384
00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:20,964
Forget it.
385
00:15:20,966 --> 00:15:22,515
I don't expect
you guys to understand.
386
00:15:22,517 --> 00:15:24,100
I understand.
387
00:15:24,102 --> 00:15:26,102
In seventh grade,
I played Spin the Bottle
388
00:15:26,104 --> 00:15:27,754
and it landed on Alina Shankar.
389
00:15:27,756 --> 00:15:29,389
She said if I came near her,
390
00:15:29,391 --> 00:15:32,008
she would break
the bottle and cut me.
391
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:33,560
You think that's bad?
392
00:15:33,562 --> 00:15:35,595
In college, I passed out
at a frat party
393
00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:38,031
and woke up with
more clothes on.
394
00:15:42,153 --> 00:15:43,820
Sometimes I get so lonely,
395
00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:46,206
I sit on my left hand
until it goes numb,
396
00:15:46,208 --> 00:15:48,458
then I put it in
my right hand and pretend
397
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:50,943
I'm holding hands
with another person.
398
00:15:50,945 --> 00:15:53,913
I do that, too.
399
00:15:53,915 --> 00:15:56,115
Sometimes the left hand
tries to cop a feel.
400
00:15:57,918 --> 00:16:00,136
And I let it.
401
00:16:01,722 --> 00:16:04,557
It's kind of nice
to talk to someone
402
00:16:04,559 --> 00:16:06,810
who understands what
it feels like to be alone.
403
00:16:06,812 --> 00:16:09,095
It is, isn't it?
404
00:16:09,097 --> 00:16:10,963
But you're not alone anymore.
Now you've got Sheldon.
405
00:16:10,965 --> 00:16:12,265
I do.
406
00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:15,318
And don't worry, someday
you'll have somebody, too.
407
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,686
Thank you.
408
00:16:16,688 --> 00:16:20,607
I hope she's half as
lovely and amazing as you are.
409
00:16:21,475 --> 00:16:24,027
Thank you, Rajesh.
410
00:16:24,029 --> 00:16:25,945
He wants me, I'm good.
We can go now.
411
00:16:28,315 --> 00:16:29,332
Damn it.
412
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:30,700
What?
413
00:16:30,702 --> 00:16:32,535
Now that I know
she doesn't like me,
414
00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:34,637
I'm kind of into her.
415
00:16:35,823 --> 00:16:37,907
All right.
416
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:41,745
I think I cracked the code
to lower the drawbridge.
417
00:16:41,747 --> 00:16:43,162
Great.
Let's do it.
418
00:16:50,104 --> 00:16:51,554
The drawbridge is lowering.
419
00:16:57,895 --> 00:16:59,396
My carpal tunnel's acting up.
420
00:16:59,398 --> 00:17:00,814
Play through
the pain!
421
00:17:12,025 --> 00:17:14,043
You did it!
The drawbridge is down.
422
00:17:14,045 --> 00:17:15,628
You cross the chasm
423
00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:18,465
and find yourself in
a small dungeon room.
424
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:21,117
And in the corner,
chained to the wall,
425
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,703
you see a bloodied and beaten
Santa Claus.
426
00:17:23,705 --> 00:17:27,373
He says, "Ho, ho, help me."
427
00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:29,893
Yes, we found Santa!
428
00:17:29,895 --> 00:17:31,895
Christmas is saved!
429
00:17:31,897 --> 00:17:34,564
Don't ever tell
my mother I said that.
430
00:17:35,649 --> 00:17:37,550
I take out
my skeleton key
431
00:17:37,552 --> 00:17:39,319
and run to Santa
to unchain him.
432
00:17:39,321 --> 00:17:41,321
But first, I cast
a spell of paralysis
433
00:17:41,323 --> 00:17:43,773
on Stuart and Howard.
Wait, what are you doing?
434
00:17:43,775 --> 00:17:46,092
You can't talk;
you're paralyzed.
435
00:17:46,094 --> 00:17:50,029
I get right up in Santa's
big, fat face and say...
436
00:17:50,031 --> 00:17:51,564
Well, well, well,
437
00:17:51,566 --> 00:17:54,250
jolly old Saint Nick,
we meet again.
438
00:17:54,252 --> 00:17:55,935
Yeah, I believe
the last time we spoke
439
00:17:55,937 --> 00:17:59,005
was in the Baybrook Mall
in Galveston, Texas,
440
00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:01,257
when I was five years old,
isn't that right?
441
00:18:01,259 --> 00:18:03,476
Uh, okay.
442
00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:04,911
My mother
dragged me there
443
00:18:04,913 --> 00:18:06,796
and she plopped me
down on your lap
444
00:18:06,798 --> 00:18:09,098
and you asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.
445
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,050
And I told you "my Pop-Pop,"
446
00:18:11,052 --> 00:18:13,586
because that was the year
my grandfather died.
447
00:18:13,588 --> 00:18:16,422
I missed him
and I wanted him back.
448
00:18:17,274 --> 00:18:19,776
This is weird, right?
449
00:18:22,780 --> 00:18:24,697
Pop-Pop was the only one
in my family
450
00:18:24,699 --> 00:18:26,566
who encouraged me
to pursue science.
451
00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:28,768
But you didn't bring
him back, did you?
452
00:18:28,770 --> 00:18:31,488
Instead, I got Lincoln Logs.
453
00:18:31,490 --> 00:18:35,441
Well, you can build a lot of
neat things out of Lincoln Logs,
454
00:18:35,443 --> 00:18:37,293
but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em.
455
00:18:37,295 --> 00:18:40,613
And now you're here
asking me for something--
456
00:18:40,615 --> 00:18:41,948
to save you.
457
00:18:41,950 --> 00:18:46,285
Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle,
but today's not your day.
458
00:18:46,287 --> 00:18:47,837
I'm leaving you here to rot,
459
00:18:47,839 --> 00:18:50,507
and I hope the ogres
feast on your bones.
460
00:18:50,509 --> 00:18:54,060
I take the skeleton key,
and I toss it into the chasm,
461
00:18:54,062 --> 00:18:56,062
and on the way out, I give Santa
462
00:18:56,064 --> 00:18:59,098
a swift kick in his
bowl full of jelly!
463
00:19:00,401 --> 00:19:02,819
Okay.
464
00:19:02,821 --> 00:19:06,022
So Wolowitz and Stuart
are paralyzed, Santa's dead,
465
00:19:06,024 --> 00:19:09,475
and I picked this over
having sex with my girlfriend.
466
00:19:23,348 --> 00:19:24,648
Santa?
467
00:19:24,650 --> 00:19:28,538
Oh, hello, Sheldon.
468
00:19:28,638 --> 00:19:30,855
You should be asleep.
469
00:19:30,857 --> 00:19:32,973
Well, then, you shouldn't have
jingle bells on your boots.
470
00:19:32,975 --> 00:19:34,225
Oh...
471
00:19:35,026 --> 00:19:37,678
I've been wanting
to talk to you.
472
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,866
I'm sorry I disappointed you
when you were a little boy.
473
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:46,353
I-I can do a lot
of magical things,
474
00:19:46,355 --> 00:19:50,908
but unfortunately bringing your
Pop-Pop back isn't one of them.
475
00:19:51,743 --> 00:19:53,861
I understand.
476
00:19:53,863 --> 00:19:57,248
But I-I do have
something special for you.
477
00:19:58,099 --> 00:19:59,867
Close your eyes.
478
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,204
Oh, I hope it's a train.
479
00:20:04,206 --> 00:20:07,391
Oh, it's better than a train.
480
00:20:07,393 --> 00:20:10,644
Two trains?
481
00:20:10,646 --> 00:20:12,379
Better.
482
00:20:12,381 --> 00:20:14,565
I'm getting three trains.
483
00:20:16,401 --> 00:20:18,435
Okay, open 'em.
484
00:20:21,990 --> 00:20:24,224
This is for leaving me
in the dungeon
485
00:20:24,226 --> 00:20:27,077
to be eaten alive by ogres!
486
00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:28,529
Wait, uh, uh, hang on.
487
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:29,613
I-In my defense...
488
00:20:29,615 --> 00:20:32,116
Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork!
489
00:20:33,034 --> 00:20:38,034
== sync, corrected by elderman ==