1 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:05,598 Okay. "Now holding sides of hearth in position... 2 00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:09,104 ...Iower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs." 3 00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:14,311 Look at that, I built a fireplace with my own two hands. 4 00:00:15,215 --> 00:00:16,546 You're so butch. 5 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,542 Aw, I got a little paper cut. 6 00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:22,813 Of course you did. You're hands are softer than veal. 7 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:28,460 Oh, uh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning a Dungeons & Dragons night with the guys. 8 00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,096 That's how you're gonna spend your Saturday night? 9 00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:34,256 - Come on, I hardly get a chance to play. - You poor thing. 10 00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:36,732 Is having a real girlfriend who has sex with you... 11 00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:39,269 ...getting in the way of your board games? 12 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,135 A little bit, yeah. 13 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:47,040 Oh, great, I've always wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons. 14 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:50,148 Oh, I'm sorry, I should've mentioned this earlier. 15 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:51,476 You're not invited. 16 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,978 Why not? 17 00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:59,489 Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free... 18 00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:05,791 ...from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal, animalistic selves. 19 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:09,564 By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines? 20 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,795 Like a bunch of savages. 21 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,407 Saturday night? But I've been working late all week. 22 00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:20,239 - That was gonna be our night. - I have to go, we play as a group. 23 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,507 And if I'm not there, then everyone will blame you. 24 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:27,414 They'll be all, "Bernadette ruined everything. She's the worst." 25 00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:33,789 So you see, heh, I have to play Dungeons & Dragons. 26 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,791 For the marriage. 27 00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,661 You're an idiot. 28 00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:43,995 I'm your idiot. Forever. 29 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:48,497 So listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake... 30 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:51,200 ...then seeing the Christmas lights in Griffith Park... 31 00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:55,347 ...but Leonard's talking about a big D and D game at his place. 32 00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,949 Saturday night just went from crazy to epic. 33 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,142 Woo-hoo! 34 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,278 All right, Sheldon, to start our quest... 35 00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,814 ...you need to open this Christmas gift I got you. 36 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,576 A Christmas gift? 37 00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:34,811 You know I don't enjoy Christmas. 38 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,288 - What's wrong with Christmas? - Oh, where to begin? 39 00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:44,294 Trees indoors. Overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas." 40 00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:47,092 And the absurd custom of one stocking. 41 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,792 Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. 42 00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:54,030 - Who uses one sock? - A pirate with a peg leg. Heh. 43 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:56,438 Actually, that helps. Thank you. 44 00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:59,475 Would you just look inside? 45 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:03,778 Oh, a scroll! I like scrolls. 46 00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:07,647 They're my third-favorite system of transmitting the written word. 47 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:10,345 After stone tablets and skywriting. 48 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:15,887 "You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons & Dragons adventure. 49 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:19,520 Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves... 50 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,098 ...who have all been massacred." 51 00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,326 Ah! I like where this is headed. 52 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:27,800 "Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres." 53 00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:29,737 That's a saucy twist. 54 00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:32,576 "That leader's name: Santa Claus." 55 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:34,838 No, no, no. 56 00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:38,177 It's actually "ho, ho, ho," but you'll get the hang of it. 57 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:41,649 Thought it'd be fun to make a holiday-themed quest. 58 00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:44,722 Fun? Mixing Dungeons & Dragons with Christmas... 59 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,327 ...is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly... 60 00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:52,055 ...and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly. 61 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,666 Okay, here we go. 62 00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:57,894 "You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa's village. 63 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,266 Clearly a great battle has taken place." 64 00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:03,670 Oh, man, the first monster I see, I'm going to sneak up behind him... 65 00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:07,973 ...whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass. 66 00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:13,247 Do you hear yourself when you say these things? 67 00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:18,379 Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. 68 00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:19,684 Sheldon, what do you do? 69 00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:24,523 I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat... 70 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:26,995 ...by making a gesture that says, "Get a load of this guy." 71 00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:30,867 Fine, Howard, what do you do? 72 00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:36,907 I follow the ogre tracks, checking for secret doors along the way. 73 00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,943 And you discover a secret door leading to a dark corridor. 74 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:43,378 Let's make a plan. Spellcasters in the back, warriors in the front. 75 00:04:43,549 --> 00:04:48,145 Screw that noise, I'm going in. Hang on, Santa, I'm coming for you. 76 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:53,955 Okay. You run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire. 77 00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:59,088 A cannon blows your face off. You die, you're out of the game. 78 00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:02,067 What? A cannon? 79 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,896 Am I really out of the game? 80 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,731 Lucky. 81 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:07,799 Okay, come on. Moving on. 82 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,841 Wait, doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? 83 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:14,070 Because if you've got one, I need it bad. 84 00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:18,917 Get in here with your rod and give it to me. 85 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:23,789 Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud. 86 00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,657 Hey, I don't mean to interrupt your little game... 87 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:33,925 ...but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, ahem, Bernadette? 88 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:44,769 Bernadette's wearing leopard-print pumps and a racktastic red dress from Forever 21. 89 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:53,979 And there's Amy showing all kinds of ankle... 90 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,979 ...in an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63. 91 00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:03,284 And I myself... 92 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:09,397 ...am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty. 93 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:14,639 I know they're making a rhetorical point, I just don't know what it is. 94 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:16,536 See you, boys. We are going drinking. 95 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,110 Wait. Can I come with you? My character died. 96 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:24,881 - Sorry, Raj. It's girls' night out. - Maybe another time. 97 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:28,747 Okay. 98 00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:30,313 Come on. 99 00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:34,984 Girls' night. Girls' night. Ooh! Ooh! 100 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:40,262 How does he not hear that? 101 00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,360 What's the plan? We gonna teach our fellas a lesson... 102 00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:48,701 ...by getting stinking drunk, luring strange men into the bathroom... 103 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:51,241 ...and turning the toilet stall into a temple of the senses? 104 00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:53,906 - No. - No. 105 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,846 Jeez. Who's Forever 63 now? 106 00:06:58,851 --> 00:07:03,345 Can we get another bottle of champagne for the table? Don't worry, it's my treat. 107 00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:06,219 - Thanks. - You should come to girls' night more often. 108 00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:10,226 And not just because if you weren't here this would be a can of Pabst. 109 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:13,524 Nothing makes me happier than the chance to spoil a lady. 110 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,793 Just ask my dog. My vet says if I give her any more foie gras... 111 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,233 ...she's going to die of gout. 112 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:23,774 - Hey, let's help Raj meet a girl tonight. - No, no, no, I'm fine. 113 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,606 Are we talking one-night stand or do we wanna get him into a relationship? 114 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,748 Let's get him laid. 115 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,418 Stop it, you're ruining girls' night. 116 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:38,884 Raj, you're a great guy, you're in a bar full of single women. Let us help you. 117 00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:40,082 You're a real catch. 118 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:43,592 You're shy, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have someone in your life. 119 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:46,231 That's sweet of you, but what can you do to help? 120 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:50,267 We'll nose around, see if we can find a nice girl and then introduce you. 121 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:53,405 Okay. A couple of things. 122 00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:57,304 Don't tell them I come from money, I want them to love me for me. 123 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:01,073 They must be insanely hot. 124 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,276 Like nines or 10s. 125 00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:07,116 Nines or 10s? 126 00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:11,586 Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hot tub. 127 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,518 You'll take any woman who'll have you, right? 128 00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:15,955 In a New Delhi minute. 129 00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:21,422 I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store. 130 00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,593 Oh, uh, yeah. I got them on Amazon. 131 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,096 Sure. I get it. 132 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:30,265 Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate... 133 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,105 ...that is crushing the life out of that friend? 134 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:37,112 I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet. 135 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:40,284 Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet. 136 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,179 - Can we please move this along? - Yeah, sorry. 137 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:47,690 Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. 138 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:53,025 What do you do? And Howard, do not say, "I feel up the large chest." 139 00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:57,727 Excuse me, I'm a married man now. I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile. 140 00:08:57,904 --> 00:09:01,533 - Great, what do you do? - I walk up to the large chest... 141 00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:03,197 ...bury my face in it and go: 142 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,543 I open the chest. 143 00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,513 It's locked, but suddenly the door behind you slams shut... 144 00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:15,210 ...and now the walls of the room start closing in. 145 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:19,085 That's not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia. 146 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,556 Glowing letters appear on the chest that read: 147 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,195 "If squashed to death you wish not to be... 148 00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:28,060 ...sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory." - Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav? 149 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,101 - Walls are getting closer. - Oh, boy. Happy place, happy place. 150 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:34,205 Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia. 151 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:35,931 Ten seconds from getting crushed. 152 00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:38,042 - Nine. Eight. - What are we supposed to do? 153 00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,939 - Seven. Six. Five. - Wait, wait. 154 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:42,672 Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslaus... 155 00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:45,180 ...from the Christmas carol. - Never heard of it. 156 00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:48,081 Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy. 157 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:51,550 - Three. Two. - Somebody sing the damn song. 158 00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:55,123 Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Stephen 159 00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:59,196 When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even 160 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,525 Walls are getting slower. 161 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:04,067 Brightly shone the moon that night Though the frost was cruel 162 00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:09,003 When a poor man came in sight Gath'ring winter fuel 163 00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:16,306 - The walls stop. You're safe. - That was amazing, Sheldon. 164 00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:17,949 - How'd you know that? - Simple. 165 00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:21,086 I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia... 166 00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:24,120 ...with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop... 167 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,781 ...singing carols, while I sat in front of the fire... 168 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,292 ...and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos. 169 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:34,893 - Okay, continuing the quest... - Wait, there's still four more verses. 170 00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,728 You don't sing a song and not finish it. 171 00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:40,394 Hither, page, and stand by me If thou know'st it, telling 172 00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:44,009 Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? 173 00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:47,270 Brightly shone the moon that night Though the frost was... 174 00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,713 - It looks like he's doing pretty good. - Of course he is. 175 00:10:56,889 --> 00:11:00,290 That girl just got dumped by her boyfriend, she's angry, she's drunk... 176 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:03,485 ...and her favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire. 177 00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:05,830 That is some low-hanging fruit. 178 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,633 Oh, here he comes. 179 00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,530 - So, how'd it go? - Great. 180 00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:13,797 I bought her a couple of drinks and she gave me her e-mail address. 181 00:11:13,973 --> 00:11:15,998 Ooh! 182 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:20,635 "Jennifer at not even if you were the last guy on Earth dot loser." 183 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:22,738 What? 184 00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:24,212 I'm sorry, Raj. 185 00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:26,408 Why can't I find someone? 186 00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:30,055 I'm smart, I've got a cool job and my naturally bronzed complexion... 187 00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:33,680 ...means I can pull off mustard yellow in a way most guys can't. 188 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:40,366 - Aw, honey, it's not you, it's them. - No, it's not. She was too beautiful for me. 189 00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,867 - Why would you say that? - It's true. 190 00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:46,596 I'm always attracted to women I can't have. I do it all the time. 191 00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,740 I did the same thing with the two of you. 192 00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:52,438 The two of them? I don't understand. 193 00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:56,779 Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny. 194 00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:59,611 I thought she was into me too. She got drunk and naked... 195 00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:03,949 ...and climbed into bed with me. But apparently, I misread those signals. 196 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,192 And you liked Bernadette also? 197 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,952 That was before Penny. 198 00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:14,622 I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. 199 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,360 I'm very old-fashioned that way. 200 00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:23,942 So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me too. 201 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,769 No. Not really. 202 00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:35,080 - Come on, Raj, not even a little bit? - Not that I can think of. 203 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,088 Think harder. 204 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:44,054 Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. 205 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:47,961 Or in this case, doesn't. I mean, at all. 206 00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:52,431 What? 207 00:12:54,874 --> 00:13:00,141 Ye who now will bless the poor Shall yourselves find blessing 208 00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:01,336 Ba-da-bum! 209 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,307 Done? 210 00:13:05,484 --> 00:13:08,112 I think the word you're looking for is "bravo." 211 00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:13,851 Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. 212 00:13:14,026 --> 00:13:17,359 Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water? 213 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,658 - Uh, what's the difference? - It's a game of the imagination, Leonard. 214 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:23,802 - Paint a picture. - Fine. You leave the room and find yourself... 215 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:27,928 ...standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and coal in the water. 216 00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:31,508 Do we know what happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes? 217 00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:35,113 - You see those too. - Oh, it's like I'm really there. 218 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:40,880 I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had... 219 00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:43,988 ...since my therapist changed my anxiety medication... 220 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,784 ...and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool. 221 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,263 Good story. 222 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:56,633 - What're you drinking there? Little eggnog? - Yes. Is there a problem? 223 00:13:56,802 --> 00:14:01,364 No, it's nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmasy. 224 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,565 Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? 225 00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:09,780 Eggs are available all year round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside. 226 00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:13,185 Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories... 227 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,378 ...and the carols, you've got an eggnog mustache going on there. 228 00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:19,251 Just admit it, you're getting a little yuletide spirit. 229 00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:23,521 Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. 230 00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:26,528 Why is this so important to you? 231 00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:30,725 I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid. I'm tired of you sucking the joy out of them. 232 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:35,430 - What was so bad about them? - I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. 233 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:39,806 Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. 234 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:45,611 And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded. 235 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:50,547 No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing. 236 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:55,387 It wasn't amazing. I got a C-minus four years in a row. 237 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,052 I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift. 238 00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:05,804 Amy, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. 239 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:10,135 It's fine. I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. 240 00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:12,367 I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. 241 00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:15,411 The guy only did it so that I would give him back his insulin. 242 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,851 Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants. 243 00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,721 Forget it. I don't expect you guys to understand. 244 00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,051 I understand. 245 00:15:27,226 --> 00:15:30,718 In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. 246 00:15:30,896 --> 00:15:35,162 She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me. 247 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:36,664 You think that's bad? 248 00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:41,067 In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on. 249 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,403 Sometimes I get so Ionely I sit on my left hand until it goes numb... 250 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:54,109 ...then I put it in my right hand and pretend I'm holding hands with another person. 251 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,251 I do that too. 252 00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,486 Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. 253 00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:03,192 And I let it. 254 00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:09,994 It's kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone. 255 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:11,534 It is, isn't it? 256 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:14,138 But you're not alone anymore. Now you've got Sheldon. 257 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:18,538 I do. And don't worry, someday you'll have somebody too. 258 00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:23,648 Thank you. I hope she's half as lovely and amazing as you are. 259 00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:26,546 Thank you, Rajesh. 260 00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:28,977 He wants me, I'm good. We can go. 261 00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,553 - Damn it. - What? 262 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:37,685 Now that I know she doesn't like me, I'm kind of into her. 263 00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:44,830 All right, I think I cracked the code to lower the drawbridge. 264 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,198 Great. Let's do it. 265 00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:54,709 The drawbridge is lowering. 266 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,016 - My carpal tunnel's acting up. - Play through the pain. 267 00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:17,198 You did it. The drawbridge is down. 268 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:21,703 You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. 269 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:26,743 And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. 270 00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:30,541 He says, "Ho, ho, help me." 271 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:34,914 Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. 272 00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,578 Don't ever tell my mother I said that. 273 00:17:39,024 --> 00:17:42,357 I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him. 274 00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:46,191 But first I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard. 275 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,697 - What are you doing? - Can't talk, you're paralyzed. 276 00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:52,862 I get right up in Santa's big, fat face and say: 277 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:57,532 "Well, well, well, Jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. 278 00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:02,112 I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas... 279 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,442 ...when I was 5 years old, isn't that right?" 280 00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:06,641 Okay. 281 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,720 My mother dragged me there and plopped me down on your lap... 282 00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:12,254 ...and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. 283 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:16,884 I told you my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. 284 00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:19,428 I missed him and I wanted him back. 285 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:22,790 This is weird, right? 286 00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:29,764 Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. 287 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,933 But you didn't bring him back, did you? 288 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,909 No. Instead, I got Lincoln Logs. 289 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,413 Now, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs... 290 00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,575 ...but Pop-Pop ain't one of them. 291 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:45,189 And now you're here asking me for something. To save you. 292 00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:49,293 Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle. But today's not your day. 293 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:53,761 I'm leaving you here to rot and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. 294 00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:57,333 I take the skeleton key, toss it into the chasm... 295 00:18:57,503 --> 00:19:02,065 ...and on the way out give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full ofjelly. 296 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,205 Okay. 297 00:19:06,378 --> 00:19:09,176 So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead... 298 00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:12,476 ...and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend. 299 00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:32,263 - Santa? - Oh, hello, Sheldon. 300 00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:35,630 You should be asleep. 301 00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:38,776 Well, then you shouldn't have jingle bells on your boots. 302 00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,009 I've been wanting to talk to you. 303 00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:46,412 I'm sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. 304 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,647 I can do a lot of magical things... 305 00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:55,452 ...but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn't one of them. 306 00:19:57,296 --> 00:20:01,790 - I understand. - But I do have something special for you. 307 00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,367 Close your eyes. 308 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,870 Oh, I hope it's a train. 309 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,101 Oh, it's better than a train. 310 00:20:13,178 --> 00:20:15,305 Two trains? 311 00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:17,038 Better. 312 00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:22,983 - I'm getting three trains. - Okay, open them. 313 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:31,796 This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres. 314 00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:34,125 Now, hang on. In my defense... 315 00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:37,132 Ho, ho, ho, you big dork.