1
00:00:02,453 --> 00:00:04,791
Okay, now holding sides
of hearth in position,
2
00:00:04,841 --> 00:00:08,421
lower mantelpiece assembly
onto top tabs.
3
00:00:10,381 --> 00:00:13,303
Look at that, I built a
fireplace with my own two hands.
4
00:00:14,208 --> 00:00:15,418
You're so butch.
5
00:00:16,556 --> 00:00:18,390
Aw, I got a little paper cut.
6
00:00:18,565 --> 00:00:19,803
Of course you did.
7
00:00:19,841 --> 00:00:22,041
Your hands are
softer than veal.
8
00:00:23,651 --> 00:00:25,816
Oh, before I forget,
Saturday I'm planning a little
9
00:00:25,834 --> 00:00:27,636
Dungeons and Dragons night
with the guys.
10
00:00:27,686 --> 00:00:30,038
Really? That's how you're gonna
spend your Saturday night?
11
00:00:30,094 --> 00:00:32,294
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get
a chance to play anymore.
12
00:00:32,313 --> 00:00:33,416
Oh, you poor thing.
13
00:00:33,441 --> 00:00:35,631
Is having a real-life girlfriend
who has sex with you
14
00:00:35,662 --> 00:00:38,130
getting in the way
of your board games?
15
00:00:39,409 --> 00:00:41,266
Little bit, yeah.
16
00:00:42,794 --> 00:00:45,938
Oh, great! I've always wanted
to play Dungeons and Dragons.
17
00:00:46,010 --> 00:00:47,653
Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.
18
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,400
I should've mentioned
this earlier.
19
00:00:49,429 --> 00:00:50,776
You're not invited.
20
00:00:52,832 --> 00:00:54,839
- Why not?
- Amy,
21
00:00:54,890 --> 00:00:58,678
from time to time,
we men need to break free
22
00:00:58,709 --> 00:01:01,595
from the shackles
of civility and get in touch
23
00:01:01,621 --> 00:01:04,508
with our primal
animalistic selves.
24
00:01:05,204 --> 00:01:07,239
By rolling dice
and playing make-believe
25
00:01:07,264 --> 00:01:08,614
with little figurines?
26
00:01:08,649 --> 00:01:11,016
Yeah, like a bunch of savages.
27
00:01:13,004 --> 00:01:14,354
BERNADETTE:
Saturday night?
28
00:01:14,399 --> 00:01:15,601
But I've been working
late all week.
29
00:01:15,632 --> 00:01:16,912
That was gonna be our night.
30
00:01:16,938 --> 00:01:19,501
But I have to go.
We play as a group.
31
00:01:19,526 --> 00:01:22,544
If-if I'm not there,
then everyone will blame you.
32
00:01:22,659 --> 00:01:24,859
They'll be all,
"Bernadette ruined everything.
33
00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:26,667
She's the worst."
34
00:01:27,931 --> 00:01:29,447
So, you see?
(chuckles)
35
00:01:29,574 --> 00:01:32,681
I have to play
Dungeons and Dragons...
36
00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:34,547
for the marriage.
37
00:01:35,771 --> 00:01:37,572
You're an idiot.
38
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,218
I'm your idiot.
39
00:01:40,407 --> 00:01:42,733
Forever.
40
00:01:43,398 --> 00:01:46,805
So, listen, I know we talked
about getting a bite to eat
41
00:01:46,836 --> 00:01:49,251
in Silver Lake, and then seeing
the Christmas lights
42
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,949
in Griffith Park,
but Leonard's talking about
43
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:54,313
a big D and D game at his place.
44
00:01:54,458 --> 00:01:56,896
Saturday night just went
from crazy to epic!
45
00:01:56,923 --> 00:01:58,490
Woo-hoo!
46
00:01:58,563 --> 00:02:01,948
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
47
00:02:01,957 --> 00:02:05,852
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
48
00:02:05,871 --> 00:02:07,096
♪ The Earth began to cool
49
00:02:07,129 --> 00:02:10,174
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
50
00:02:10,205 --> 00:02:12,103
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
51
00:02:12,134 --> 00:02:14,864
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
52
00:02:14,883 --> 00:02:17,014
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
53
00:02:17,056 --> 00:02:18,112
♪ Bang! ♪
54
00:02:18,142 --> 00:02:20,642
♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x11 ♪
The Santa Simulation
Original Air Date on December 13, 2012
55
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:23,182
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
56
00:02:23,557 --> 00:02:26,613
All right, Sheldon,
to start our quest,
57
00:02:26,638 --> 00:02:28,963
you need to open this little
Christmas gift I got you.
58
00:02:28,989 --> 00:02:30,613
A Christmas gift?
59
00:02:30,657 --> 00:02:33,008
You know I don't
enjoy Christmas.
60
00:02:33,964 --> 00:02:35,170
What's wrong with Christmas?
61
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,733
Oh, where to begin?
62
00:02:37,285 --> 00:02:39,080
Trees indoors.
63
00:02:39,211 --> 00:02:42,216
Overuse of the words
"'tis" and "'twas."
64
00:02:42,436 --> 00:02:45,150
And the absurd custom
of one stocking.
65
00:02:45,191 --> 00:02:47,867
Everyone knows socks
belong in pairs.
66
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:49,590
Who uses one sock?
67
00:02:49,695 --> 00:02:52,162
Pirate with a peg leg?
(chuckles)
68
00:02:52,524 --> 00:02:54,794
Actually that helps, thank you.
69
00:02:55,295 --> 00:02:56,472
Would you just look inside?
70
00:02:56,497 --> 00:02:57,872
(groans)
71
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,345
Oh, a scroll.
72
00:03:00,377 --> 00:03:01,760
I like scrolls.
73
00:03:02,325 --> 00:03:05,656
They're my third favorite system
of transmitting the written word.
74
00:03:05,797 --> 00:03:08,301
After stone tablets
and skywriting.
75
00:03:09,678 --> 00:03:11,602
"You have all been
summoned to join
76
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:14,085
"a thrilling Dungeons
and Dragons adventure.
77
00:03:14,143 --> 00:03:15,262
"Your quest begins
78
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,742
"in a secret northern
village of elves
79
00:03:17,767 --> 00:03:19,261
who have all been massacred."
80
00:03:19,284 --> 00:03:21,418
(gasps) I like
where this is heading.
81
00:03:22,026 --> 00:03:25,865
"Your task is to rescue their leader
from a dungeon of ogres."
82
00:03:25,886 --> 00:03:27,525
Oh, that's a saucy twist.
83
00:03:28,064 --> 00:03:29,502
"That leader's name:
84
00:03:29,518 --> 00:03:30,608
Santa Claus""
85
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:32,810
No, no, no!
86
00:03:33,522 --> 00:03:34,861
It's actually, "Ho, ho, ho,"
87
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,546
but you'll get the hang of it.
88
00:03:37,458 --> 00:03:39,777
Thought it'd be fun to make
a quest with a holiday theme.
89
00:03:39,907 --> 00:03:40,796
Fun?
90
00:03:40,869 --> 00:03:42,986
Mixing Dungeons and Dragons
with Christmas is
91
00:03:43,006 --> 00:03:45,159
like making a sandwich
of grape jelly,
92
00:03:45,177 --> 00:03:46,547
the best-tasting jelly,
93
00:03:46,572 --> 00:03:49,987
and petroleum jelly,
the worst-tasting jelly.
94
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:52,537
Okay, here we go.
95
00:03:52,672 --> 00:03:53,799
"You find yourselves
96
00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:56,018
"in the smoking remains
of Santa's village.
97
00:03:56,052 --> 00:03:58,294
Clearly, a great battle
has taken place."
98
00:03:58,369 --> 00:04:00,458
Oh, man, the first
monster I see,
99
00:04:00,483 --> 00:04:02,646
I'm gonna sneak up behind
him, whip out my wand,
100
00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:05,549
and shoot my magic
all over his ass.
101
00:04:08,670 --> 00:04:11,682
Do you hear yourself
when you say these things?
102
00:04:12,822 --> 00:04:14,977
LEONARD: Okay, there are
ogre tracks and a trail
103
00:04:15,002 --> 00:04:16,669
of broken candy
canes in the snow.
104
00:04:16,711 --> 00:04:17,919
Sheldon, what do you do?
105
00:04:18,095 --> 00:04:20,533
I signal my contempt
for your cruel plan
106
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:22,677
to shove Christmas joy
down my throat
107
00:04:22,708 --> 00:04:26,476
by making a gesture that says,
"Get a load of this guy."
108
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:28,996
Fine. Howard, what do you do?
109
00:04:29,073 --> 00:04:33,071
I follow the ogre tracks,
checking for secret doors
110
00:04:33,096 --> 00:04:34,796
along the way.
(dice rolls on table)
111
00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:37,970
And you discover a secret door
leading to a dark corridor.
112
00:04:38,009 --> 00:04:40,472
Okay, guys, let's make a plan;
Spell casters in the back,
113
00:04:40,503 --> 00:04:42,878
warriors in the front...
- No, screw that noise, I'm going in.
114
00:04:42,898 --> 00:04:46,465
Hang on, Santa,
I'm coming for you!
115
00:04:47,151 --> 00:04:50,589
Okay, you run into
a room full of weapons,
116
00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:52,168
hit a trip wire...
117
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,487
(dice rolls on table)
118
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:56,878
...a cannon blows your face off,
you die, you're out of the game.
119
00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,028
But... a canon?
120
00:05:00,047 --> 00:05:01,816
Am I really out of the game?
121
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,778
Lucky.
122
00:05:04,592 --> 00:05:05,841
Okay, come on, moving on.
123
00:05:05,855 --> 00:05:08,973
Wait, doesn't anyone have
a rod of resurrection?
124
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:12,247
Because if you've got
one, I need it bad.
125
00:05:13,875 --> 00:05:16,941
Get in here with your rod
and give it to me.
126
00:05:18,342 --> 00:05:19,689
Okay, you need
to say these things
127
00:05:19,714 --> 00:05:21,797
in your head before
you say them out loud.
128
00:05:22,372 --> 00:05:23,505
(knock on door)
129
00:05:24,494 --> 00:05:25,157
Hey, guys.
130
00:05:25,181 --> 00:05:26,682
I don't mean to interrupt
your little game,
131
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,850
but I thought you'd like to see
what you're missing out on.
132
00:05:28,886 --> 00:05:29,935
So...
(clears throat)
133
00:05:30,169 --> 00:05:32,420
Bernadette?
(music plays from phone)
134
00:05:37,624 --> 00:05:39,577
Bernadette's wearing
leopard-print pumps
135
00:05:39,596 --> 00:05:43,015
and a rack-tastic red dress
from Forever 21.
136
00:05:49,090 --> 00:05:50,434
And there's Amy,
137
00:05:50,463 --> 00:05:52,320
showing all kinds of ankle.
138
00:05:53,461 --> 00:05:57,297
In an outfit I'm assuming is
from Forever 63.
139
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,961
And I, myself...
140
00:06:03,146 --> 00:06:04,812
...am wearing a little
number that got me
141
00:06:04,849 --> 00:06:07,483
out of two speeding
tickets and jury duty.
142
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,515
I know they're making
a rhetorical point,
143
00:06:10,527 --> 00:06:12,453
I just don't know what it is.
144
00:06:12,738 --> 00:06:14,588
See you, boys. We
are going drinking.
145
00:06:14,616 --> 00:06:15,860
Uh, wait, can I come with you?
146
00:06:15,878 --> 00:06:17,886
My character died.
147
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,886
Sorry, Raj,
it's girls' night out.
148
00:06:20,907 --> 00:06:22,593
Maybe another time.
149
00:06:23,708 --> 00:06:25,409
(door closes)
150
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:26,710
Okay...
151
00:06:27,614 --> 00:06:28,316
Come on.
152
00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:29,678
Ooh!
153
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,882
Girls' night, girls' night!
(whoops)
154
00:06:36,366 --> 00:06:38,772
How does he not hear that?
155
00:06:40,892 --> 00:06:42,059
So, what's the plan?
156
00:06:42,079 --> 00:06:43,643
Are we gonna teach
our fellas a lesson
157
00:06:43,673 --> 00:06:45,974
by getting stinking drunk,
luring strange men
158
00:06:45,999 --> 00:06:47,734
into the bathroom,
and turning the toilet stall
159
00:06:47,753 --> 00:06:49,959
into a temple of the senses?
160
00:06:50,796 --> 00:06:52,263
- No!
- No!
161
00:06:52,427 --> 00:06:55,544
Geez, who's Forever 63 now?
162
00:06:56,736 --> 00:06:59,304
Can we get another bottle of
champagne for the table?
163
00:06:59,413 --> 00:07:00,412
Don't worry.
164
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:01,521
It's my treat.
165
00:07:01,577 --> 00:07:02,701
- Thanks.
- Wow!
166
00:07:02,725 --> 00:07:04,338
You should come
to girls' night more often.
167
00:07:04,362 --> 00:07:05,777
And not just because
if you weren't here,
168
00:07:05,802 --> 00:07:07,827
this would be a can of Pabst.
169
00:07:08,214 --> 00:07:10,096
My pleasure; nothing
makes me happier
170
00:07:10,115 --> 00:07:11,684
than the chance
to spoil a lady.
171
00:07:11,716 --> 00:07:12,981
Just ask my dog.
172
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,056
My vet says if I give her
any more foie gras,
173
00:07:15,087 --> 00:07:17,104
she's going to die of gout.
174
00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:20,518
Hey, let's help Raj
meet a girl tonight.
175
00:07:20,549 --> 00:07:22,871
- No, no, no, I'm fine.
- Okay, wait, are we talking
176
00:07:22,889 --> 00:07:25,657
one-night stand or do we want
to get him into a relationship?
177
00:07:25,683 --> 00:07:27,883
Let's get him laid!
178
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:31,750
Stop it.
You're ruining girls' night.
179
00:07:33,177 --> 00:07:34,486
Raj, you're a great guy,
180
00:07:34,505 --> 00:07:36,889
you're in a bar full of
single women; let us help you.
181
00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:38,283
Yeah, you're a real catch.
182
00:07:38,322 --> 00:07:39,632
I know you're shy,
but that doesn't mean
183
00:07:39,657 --> 00:07:41,676
you shouldn't have someone
wonderful in your life.
184
00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:42,820
That's sweet of you.
185
00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:44,476
But what can you do to help?
186
00:07:44,656 --> 00:07:45,751
We'll nose around,
187
00:07:45,791 --> 00:07:48,408
see if we can find a nice girl,
and then introduce you.
188
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,460
Okay.
189
00:07:49,494 --> 00:07:51,231
Well, a couple of things.
190
00:07:51,441 --> 00:07:53,258
Don't tell them
I come from money.
191
00:07:53,276 --> 00:07:55,860
I want them to love me for me.
192
00:07:56,322 --> 00:07:58,846
They must be insanely hot.
193
00:08:00,199 --> 00:08:02,917
Like, nines or tens.
194
00:08:03,568 --> 00:08:05,206
Nines or tens?
195
00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:06,607
Okay, an eight is acceptable
196
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,477
if she's willing to bring
another eight to the hot tub.
197
00:08:10,188 --> 00:08:11,277
Bottom line;
You'll take
198
00:08:11,295 --> 00:08:12,596
any woman who'll
have you, right?
199
00:08:12,609 --> 00:08:14,192
In a New Delhi minute.
200
00:08:16,632 --> 00:08:19,484
I don't remember you buying
these miniatures in my store.
201
00:08:19,598 --> 00:08:20,936
Oh, uh, yeah.
202
00:08:20,983 --> 00:08:22,542
I got 'em on Amazon.
203
00:08:23,143 --> 00:08:24,163
Sure. I get it.
204
00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:26,041
Why support a friend
205
00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:28,397
when you can support
a multinational conglomerate
206
00:08:28,415 --> 00:08:31,010
that is crushing the life
out of that friend?
207
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:35,106
I know, but when I shop online,
I can do it on the toilet.
208
00:08:35,868 --> 00:08:38,337
Have you seen my store?
The whole place is a toilet.
209
00:08:38,733 --> 00:08:40,559
C-Can we please move this along?
210
00:08:40,590 --> 00:08:41,278
Yeah, sorry.
211
00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:43,161
Uh, you come to the
end of the tunnel
212
00:08:43,185 --> 00:08:45,805
and find a large chest.
213
00:08:45,837 --> 00:08:47,972
What do you do?
And, Howard, do not say,
214
00:08:48,022 --> 00:08:50,632
(mimicking):
"I feel up the large chest."
215
00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:53,433
Excuse me,
I'm a married man now.
216
00:08:53,475 --> 00:08:55,678
I wasn't going to say
anything so juvenile.
217
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:56,569
Great. What do you do?
218
00:08:56,606 --> 00:08:59,187
I walk up to the large chest,
219
00:08:59,738 --> 00:09:03,202
bury my face in it
and go (motorboat noises).
220
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,246
I open the chest.
221
00:09:07,273 --> 00:09:10,679
It's locked, but suddenly
the door behind you slams shut
222
00:09:10,709 --> 00:09:13,187
and now the walls of the room
start closing in.
223
00:09:13,230 --> 00:09:13,973
That's not good.
224
00:09:13,996 --> 00:09:16,714
My character and I
both have claustrophobia.
225
00:09:16,985 --> 00:09:19,696
Glowing letters appear
on the chest that read,
226
00:09:19,753 --> 00:09:22,384
"If squashed to death
you wish not to be,
227
00:09:22,424 --> 00:09:24,662
sing of Svaty Vaclav
and his victory."
228
00:09:24,692 --> 00:09:26,903
- Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
- Walls are getting closer.
229
00:09:26,927 --> 00:09:28,728
Oh, boy, happy place,
happy place.
230
00:09:28,746 --> 00:09:32,281
Wait, Svaty Vaclav was
the Duke of Bohemia.
231
00:09:32,323 --> 00:09:33,986
You're ten seconds away
from getting crushed!
232
00:09:34,005 --> 00:09:35,088
Nine, eight...
233
00:09:35,122 --> 00:09:36,103
What are we supposed to do?
234
00:09:36,128 --> 00:09:37,684
- ...seven, six...
- Wait, wait.
235
00:09:37,715 --> 00:09:40,626
Svaty Vaclav is better known
as Good King Wenceslas
236
00:09:40,645 --> 00:09:42,527
from the beloved
Victorian Christmas carol.
237
00:09:42,552 --> 00:09:43,185
Never heard of it.
238
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,763
Must be the one Christmas song
not written by a Jewish guy.
239
00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:48,324
...three, two...
240
00:09:48,349 --> 00:09:49,762
Somebody sing the damn song!
241
00:09:49,787 --> 00:09:51,512
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
242
00:09:51,545 --> 00:09:53,261
♪ On the feast of Stephen
243
00:09:53,286 --> 00:09:55,030
♪ When the snow lay
'round about ♪
244
00:09:55,054 --> 00:09:57,102
♪ Deep and crisp and even
245
00:09:57,132 --> 00:09:58,427
The walls are getting slower.
246
00:09:58,451 --> 00:10:00,449
♪ Brightly shone the moon
that night ♪
247
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:02,125
♪ Though the frost
was cru-el ♪
248
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,947
♪ When a poor man
came in sight ♪
249
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:07,477
♪ Gath'ring winter fu-el
250
00:10:11,065 --> 00:10:12,454
The walls stop! You're safe!
251
00:10:12,491 --> 00:10:14,285
That was amazing, Sheldon.
252
00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:16,166
- How did you know that?
- It was simple.
253
00:10:16,229 --> 00:10:18,479
I combined a well-known,
historical fact
254
00:10:18,508 --> 00:10:21,042
about Bohemia with the memory
of my grandparents,
255
00:10:21,066 --> 00:10:23,272
Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop,
singing Christmas carols
256
00:10:23,303 --> 00:10:25,516
while I sat in front of the fire
and tried to build
257
00:10:25,535 --> 00:10:28,216
a high-energy particle
accelerator out of Legos.
258
00:10:29,002 --> 00:10:30,824
Okay, continuing our quest.
259
00:10:30,855 --> 00:10:31,780
W-W-Wait.
260
00:10:31,802 --> 00:10:32,962
There's still four more verses.
261
00:10:32,981 --> 00:10:34,813
You don't sing a song
and not finish it.
262
00:10:34,857 --> 00:10:36,840
♪ Hither, page,
and stand by me ♪
263
00:10:36,861 --> 00:10:38,461
♪ If thou know'st it, telling ♪
264
00:10:38,487 --> 00:10:40,313
♪ Yonder peasant, who is he?
265
00:10:40,345 --> 00:10:42,128
♪ Where and what his dwelling?
266
00:10:42,168 --> 00:10:44,986
♪ Brightly shone the moon that
night, though the frost... ♪
267
00:10:50,909 --> 00:10:52,382
Looks like he's
doing pretty good.
268
00:10:52,408 --> 00:10:53,446
Of course he is.
269
00:10:53,465 --> 00:10:55,277
Look, that girl just got
dumped by her boyfriend.
270
00:10:55,302 --> 00:10:56,909
She's angry, she's drunk,
271
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:59,081
and her favorite movie
is Slumdog Millionaire.
272
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,108
I mean...
273
00:11:00,454 --> 00:11:02,954
That is some low-hanging fruit.
274
00:11:03,742 --> 00:11:05,230
Oh, here he comes.
275
00:11:05,271 --> 00:11:07,153
- So, how'd it go?
- Great.
276
00:11:07,186 --> 00:11:08,687
I bought her a couple
of drinks,
277
00:11:08,705 --> 00:11:10,887
and she gave me
her e-mail address.
278
00:11:10,987 --> 00:11:12,687
Ooh!
279
00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:18,050
"Jennifer@not-even-if-you-were-
the-last-guy-on-earth.loser""
280
00:11:18,405 --> 00:11:19,488
What?
281
00:11:19,565 --> 00:11:21,031
I'm sorry, Raj.
282
00:11:21,095 --> 00:11:23,145
Why can't I find someone?
283
00:11:23,194 --> 00:11:25,175
I'm smart, I've got a cool job,
284
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,941
and my naturally
bronzed complexion
285
00:11:26,948 --> 00:11:28,447
means I can pull off
mustard yellow
286
00:11:28,474 --> 00:11:30,341
in a way most guys can't.
287
00:11:31,099 --> 00:11:33,143
Oh, honey,
it's not you, it's them.
288
00:11:33,177 --> 00:11:34,555
No, it's not.
289
00:11:35,002 --> 00:11:37,437
She was too beautiful for me.
290
00:11:37,608 --> 00:11:39,871
- Why would you say that?
- It's true.
291
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,843
I'm always attracted
to women I can't have.
292
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,374
I do it all the time.
293
00:11:43,454 --> 00:11:45,737
I did the same thing
with the two of you.
294
00:11:46,199 --> 00:11:47,101
The two of them?
295
00:11:47,119 --> 00:11:49,143
I don't understand.
296
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:53,408
Well, uh, there was a time
when I had a thing for Penny,
297
00:11:53,427 --> 00:11:54,761
and I thought she
was into me, too,
298
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:57,684
because she got drunk and naked
and climbed into bed with me.
299
00:11:57,772 --> 00:12:01,057
But apparently
I misread those signals.
300
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:04,880
And you liked Bernadette also?
301
00:12:04,909 --> 00:12:06,826
That was before Penny.
302
00:12:06,864 --> 00:12:08,539
I make it a rule
to only fall for
303
00:12:08,564 --> 00:12:11,223
one of my friends'
girlfriends at a time.
304
00:12:11,492 --> 00:12:13,817
I'm very old-fashioned that way.
305
00:12:14,636 --> 00:12:16,799
So at, uh, some point,
306
00:12:16,818 --> 00:12:20,126
you probably had
a thing for me, too.
307
00:12:21,816 --> 00:12:23,724
No, not really.
308
00:12:26,082 --> 00:12:29,599
Oh, come on, Raj,
not even a little bit?
309
00:12:29,886 --> 00:12:32,281
Not that I can think of.
310
00:12:33,471 --> 00:12:35,898
Think harder.
311
00:12:37,236 --> 00:12:38,627
Nope.
312
00:12:38,764 --> 00:12:40,935
I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.
313
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,073
Or in this case, doesn't.
314
00:12:42,098 --> 00:12:44,417
I mean, at all.
315
00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:49,215
What?
316
00:12:51,469 --> 00:12:53,436
♪ Ye who now will
bless the poor ♪
317
00:12:53,461 --> 00:12:57,003
♪ Shall yourselves
find blessing ♪
318
00:12:57,035 --> 00:12:58,284
♪ Ba-da-bum.
319
00:13:00,911 --> 00:13:02,025
Done?
320
00:13:02,098 --> 00:13:04,931
I think the word you're
looking for is "bravo."
321
00:13:05,688 --> 00:13:08,334
Okay, you leave the room
and find yourself
322
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:10,373
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.
323
00:13:10,401 --> 00:13:11,971
Melted snowmen?
324
00:13:12,014 --> 00:13:14,103
Are there carrots
and lumps of coal in the water?
325
00:13:14,165 --> 00:13:15,448
I don't know.
What's the difference?
326
00:13:15,806 --> 00:13:17,556
It's a game of
the imagination, Leonard.
327
00:13:17,587 --> 00:13:18,569
Paint a picture.
328
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:19,410
Fine.
329
00:13:19,435 --> 00:13:20,962
You leave the room
and find yourself
330
00:13:21,006 --> 00:13:22,696
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.
331
00:13:22,715 --> 00:13:24,515
There are carrots and
lumps of coal in the water.
332
00:13:24,556 --> 00:13:27,581
(stutters) What happened to the
top hats and the corncob pipes?
333
00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:29,111
You see those, too.
334
00:13:29,129 --> 00:13:31,863
Oh, it's like I'm really there.
335
00:13:34,284 --> 00:13:37,786
I gotta tell you, this-this is
the most holiday fun I've had
336
00:13:37,819 --> 00:13:40,842
since my therapist changed
my anxiety medication
337
00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:43,695
and I stopped caring about
the blood in my stool.
338
00:13:46,877 --> 00:13:48,404
Good story.
339
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:50,434
What are you drinking there?
340
00:13:50,457 --> 00:13:51,506
Little eggnog?
341
00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:52,573
Yes.
342
00:13:52,616 --> 00:13:53,523
What, is there a problem?
343
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,798
No, it's nice to see you
enjoying a holiday beverage.
344
00:13:57,066 --> 00:13:58,215
Pretty Christmasy.
345
00:13:58,317 --> 00:14:00,751
Since when is eggnog
a Christmas drink?
346
00:14:01,115 --> 00:14:03,541
Eggs are available
all year 'round.
347
00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:06,364
I've been known to
enjoy this poolside.
348
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,585
Come on, Sheldon.
349
00:14:08,610 --> 00:14:11,073
You know all the Christmas
stories, and the carols,
350
00:14:11,182 --> 00:14:13,357
you've got an eggnog
mustache going on there.
351
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,401
Just admit it.
352
00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:15,957
You're getting
a little Yuletide spirit.
353
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,395
Oh, don't be silly.
354
00:14:17,426 --> 00:14:20,464
Christmas is a bunch of baloney
created by the tinsel industry.
355
00:14:21,535 --> 00:14:23,242
Why is this so important to you?
356
00:14:23,302 --> 00:14:25,458
Honestly, because I had enough
crappy Christmases as a kid
357
00:14:25,476 --> 00:14:27,560
and I'm tired of you
sucking the joy out of them now.
358
00:14:28,154 --> 00:14:29,410
What was so bad about them?
359
00:14:29,482 --> 00:14:32,135
I grew up in a house
full of crazy academics.
360
00:14:32,170 --> 00:14:34,363
Instead of leaving Santa
milk and cookies,
361
00:14:34,388 --> 00:14:36,516
we had to leave him
a research paper.
362
00:14:38,063 --> 00:14:39,996
And in the morning,
you could tell he'd been there
363
00:14:40,027 --> 00:14:41,793
because the paper
would be graded.
364
00:14:43,589 --> 00:14:44,802
No wonder you love Christmas.
365
00:14:44,827 --> 00:14:46,830
That sounds amazing.
366
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:48,969
It wasn't amazing.
367
00:14:49,128 --> 00:14:51,613
I got a C-minus
four years in a row.
368
00:14:52,203 --> 00:14:53,536
Yeah, I'm familiar
with your work.
369
00:14:53,555 --> 00:14:55,095
C-minus was your gift.
370
00:14:58,967 --> 00:15:00,802
Amy, I'm really sorry.
371
00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:02,581
I didn't mean to upset you.
372
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:03,672
It's fine.
373
00:15:03,699 --> 00:15:06,170
I'm used to being the girl
who never gets looked at twice.
374
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,937
I didn't have my first kiss
till I was 22,
375
00:15:08,968 --> 00:15:12,119
and the guy only did it so
I'd give him back his insulin.
376
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:18,824
Sometimes the pancreas wants
what the pancreas wants.
377
00:15:19,812 --> 00:15:20,569
Forget it.
378
00:15:20,594 --> 00:15:22,325
I don't expect
you guys to understand.
379
00:15:22,537 --> 00:15:23,797
I understand.
380
00:15:23,828 --> 00:15:25,831
In seventh grade,
I played Spin the Bottle
381
00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:27,500
and it landed on Alina Shankar.
382
00:15:27,544 --> 00:15:28,732
She said if I came near her,
383
00:15:28,763 --> 00:15:31,380
she would break
the bottle and cut me.
384
00:15:31,961 --> 00:15:33,324
You think that's bad?
385
00:15:33,351 --> 00:15:35,176
In college, I passed out
at a frat party
386
00:15:35,212 --> 00:15:37,646
and woke up with
more clothes on.
387
00:15:42,297 --> 00:15:43,905
Sometimes I get so lonely,
388
00:15:43,929 --> 00:15:46,150
I sit on my left hand
until it goes numb,
389
00:15:46,209 --> 00:15:48,016
then I put it in
my right hand and pretend
390
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:50,166
I'm holding hands
with another person.
391
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:53,723
I do that, too.
392
00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:56,516
Sometimes the left hand
tries to cop a feel.
393
00:15:58,012 --> 00:15:59,950
And I let it.
394
00:16:02,392 --> 00:16:04,301
It's kind of nice
to talk to someone
395
00:16:04,332 --> 00:16:06,583
who understands what
it feels like to be alone.
396
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,263
It is, isn't it?
397
00:16:08,361 --> 00:16:10,886
But you're not alone anymore.
Now you've got Sheldon.
398
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:11,947
I do.
399
00:16:11,986 --> 00:16:15,141
And don't worry, someday
you'll have somebody, too.
400
00:16:15,259 --> 00:16:16,403
Thank you.
401
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,957
I hope she's half as
lovely and amazing as you are.
402
00:16:21,895 --> 00:16:23,801
Thank you, Rajesh.
403
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,180
He wants me, I'm good.
We can go now.
404
00:16:28,441 --> 00:16:30,154
- Damn it.
- What?
405
00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,198
Now that I know
she doesn't like me,
406
00:16:32,607 --> 00:16:34,346
I'm kind of into her.
407
00:16:35,737 --> 00:16:37,441
All right.
408
00:16:37,485 --> 00:16:41,506
I think I cracked the code
to lower the drawbridge.
409
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:42,995
- Great.
- Let's do it.
410
00:16:49,911 --> 00:16:51,361
The drawbridge is lowering.
411
00:16:51,388 --> 00:16:53,277
(bell rings three times)
412
00:16:53,314 --> 00:16:55,547
(playing "Jingle Bells")
413
00:16:57,915 --> 00:16:59,221
My carpal tunnel's acting up.
414
00:16:59,248 --> 00:17:00,334
Play through the pain!
415
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,229
(playing "Jingle Bells")
416
00:17:12,107 --> 00:17:13,970
You did it!
The drawbridge is down.
417
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,278
You cross the chasm
418
00:17:15,296 --> 00:17:18,228
and find yourself in
a small dungeon room.
419
00:17:18,261 --> 00:17:20,911
And in the corner,
chained to the wall,
420
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:23,418
you see a bloodied and beaten
Santa Claus.
421
00:17:23,437 --> 00:17:26,796
He says, "Ho, ho, help me."
422
00:17:27,395 --> 00:17:29,695
Yes, we found Santa!
423
00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:31,579
Christmas is saved!
424
00:17:31,661 --> 00:17:34,141
Don't ever tell
my mother I said that.
425
00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:37,260
I take out my skeleton key
426
00:17:37,297 --> 00:17:39,010
and run to Santa
to unchain him.
427
00:17:39,028 --> 00:17:41,248
But first, I cast
a spell of paralysis
428
00:17:41,272 --> 00:17:43,661
on Stuart and Howard.
- Wait, what are you doing?
429
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:46,025
You can't talk;
You're paralyzed.
430
00:17:46,351 --> 00:17:49,680
I get right up in Santa's
big, fat face and say...
431
00:17:49,704 --> 00:17:51,237
Well, well, well,
432
00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:54,270
jolly old Saint Nick,
we meet again.
433
00:17:54,403 --> 00:17:56,110
Yeah, I believe
the last time we spoke
434
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,974
was in the Baybrook Mall
in Galveston, Texas,
435
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,245
when I was five years old,
isn't that right?
436
00:18:01,285 --> 00:18:03,085
Uh, okay.
437
00:18:03,179 --> 00:18:04,751
My mother dragged me there
438
00:18:04,775 --> 00:18:06,448
and she plopped me
down on your lap
439
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,923
and you asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.
440
00:18:09,038 --> 00:18:10,988
And I told you "my Pop-Pop,"
441
00:18:11,159 --> 00:18:13,560
because that was the year
my grandfather died.
442
00:18:13,739 --> 00:18:16,573
I missed him
and I wanted him back.
443
00:18:17,913 --> 00:18:19,928
This is weird, right?
444
00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:24,183
Pop-Pop was the only one
in my family
445
00:18:24,207 --> 00:18:26,421
who encouraged me
to pursue science.
446
00:18:26,588 --> 00:18:28,788
But you didn't bring
him back, did you?
447
00:18:28,846 --> 00:18:31,196
Instead, I got Lincoln Logs.
448
00:18:31,622 --> 00:18:35,071
Well, you can build a lot of
neat things out of Lincoln Logs,
449
00:18:35,219 --> 00:18:37,069
but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em.
450
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,415
And now you're here
asking me for something--
451
00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:41,791
to save you.
452
00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:46,011
Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle,
but today's not your day.
453
00:18:46,061 --> 00:18:47,761
I'm leaving you here to rot,
454
00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:50,284
and I hope the ogres
feast on your bones.
455
00:18:50,516 --> 00:18:54,023
I take the skeleton key,
and I toss it into the chasm,
456
00:18:54,057 --> 00:18:55,790
and on the way out, I give Santa
457
00:18:55,827 --> 00:18:58,571
a swift kick in his
bowl full of jelly!
458
00:19:01,158 --> 00:19:02,690
Okay.
459
00:19:03,066 --> 00:19:06,000
So Wolowitz and Stuart
are paralyzed, Santa's dead,
460
00:19:06,038 --> 00:19:08,842
and I picked this over
having sex with my girlfriend.
461
00:19:23,365 --> 00:19:24,459
Santa?
462
00:19:24,548 --> 00:19:28,117
Oh, hello, Sheldon.
463
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,784
You should be asleep.
464
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:33,252
Well, then, you shouldn't have
jingle bells on your boots.
465
00:19:33,311 --> 00:19:34,561
Oh...
466
00:19:35,524 --> 00:19:37,955
I've been wanting
to talk to you.
467
00:19:38,015 --> 00:19:41,854
I'm sorry I disappointed you
when you were a little boy.
468
00:19:43,702 --> 00:19:46,718
I-I can do a lot
of magical things,
469
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:51,038
but unfortunately bringing your
Pop-Pop back isn't one of them.
470
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,724
I understand.
471
00:19:54,054 --> 00:19:57,363
But I-I do have
something special for you.
472
00:19:57,991 --> 00:19:59,759
Close your eyes.
473
00:20:01,705 --> 00:20:03,958
Oh, I hope it's a train.
474
00:20:04,266 --> 00:20:06,972
Oh, it's better than a train.
475
00:20:08,354 --> 00:20:10,390
Two trains?
476
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:12,525
Better.
477
00:20:12,759 --> 00:20:14,943
I'm getting three trains.
478
00:20:16,074 --> 00:20:18,377
Okay, open 'em.
479
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,750
This is for leaving me
in the dungeon
480
00:20:24,762 --> 00:20:27,028
to be eaten alive by ogres!
481
00:20:27,065 --> 00:20:28,515
Wait, uh, uh, hang on.
482
00:20:28,535 --> 00:20:32,165
- I-In my defense...
- Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork!
483
00:20:37,751 --> 00:20:42,751
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther