(school bell ringing)
SUE: Dear Journal,
it's Christmas again...
that time of year when parents aren't arrested
for forcing their children to sit
on an old man's weirdly hot lap.
That magical season when five seemingly separate storylines
are cleverly sandwiched between commercial breaks,
and then tied together at the end like a beautiful bow.
Like that movie Love, Actually.
Which I don't think anyone really cares for,
and yet it is constantly on cable.
Sync & corrections by <font color="#FFA500">wilson0804 www.Addic7ed.com
(school bell ringing)
Whoa... hey, dude, are you all right?
Whoa, wh-wh-what happened to your face?
I fell, okay?
The stupid janitor didn't put salt on the ramp,
like he's supposed to, and my wheels don't have chains,
so I slipped backwards and tipped over on the ice.
It's fine. It's nothing.
No, no, no, no... hey, hey, hey.
That's not nothing.
That's some pretty serious road rash.
Let me take you to the nurse's office, all right?
(school bell ringing)
You hit your head pretty hard.
I'm going to go call your mother.
Lay down till she gets here.
Want me to help you get up on the cot? No.
I don't want anybody to help me with anything.
I'm tired of being so helpless,
I'm tired of everybody pitying me,
and I'm tired of being in this damn chair.
Anyone could have fallen on the ice, all right?
Yeah, but they could've gotten back up,
instead of laying there screaming for help
until some freshman girl showed up.
Dude, don't bite my head off.
But you need some rest,
so I'm going to help you out, all right?
I just wish I was never in that dumb chair.
FINN (echoing): I know, buddy. I know.
(wind whistling)
♪ ♪
(school bell ringing)
ARTIE: Tina!
Look.
Can you believe it?
(stuttering): Believe what?
Why are you stuttering again?
She never stopped because you never became friends.
Rory?!
What are you doing here?
And talk slowly, so I can understand you.
I'm your Christmas guardian angel.
And I've granted your wish.
Your car accident never happened.
You were never in that dumb chair.
That's insane.
Don't believe me?
Ask Becky.
Merry Christmas, stud.
Want to fool around? I can't get pregnant.
What? No.
Becky's the school slut now.
No one treats her with any respect.
But I do. I took her on a date.
No, you didn't.
You were too busy throwing losers in Dumpsters
to give her any attention or treat her with kindness,
and as a result, she never learned any self-respect.
FINN: Hey! Hey, Kurt! Nice cape!
Who are you supposed to be... Super Homo?
What are you guys doing?
Just having some fun with Little Lord Gay Boy.
But you guys aren't straight douche bags.
You sang Lady Gaga songs.
Keep telling those dirty lies,
and we'll break your friggin' legs.
Kurt, didn't you graduate?
I should've, but I couldn't bear coming to school
more than twice a week, because of all the bullying.
All the homeschooling set me back a year.
What does Blaine say about that?
Who's Blaine?
Mr. Shue, thank God you're here.
We need to call an emergency meeting of the glee club.
What glee club?
I couldn't get enough of you brats interested
to get that lame idea off the ground.
Will, I need your paycheck before you blow it all
on booze and flannel shirts.
Sheets and Things is having a big Christmas sale,
and we desperately need an air purifier
for our moldy garbage heap of an apartment.
That's a doll. Shh!
He's so drunk he doesn't know the difference.
(laughs)
You're cute.
Where's Miss Pillsbury?
In Hawaii.
With her dear, sweet husband Coach Tanaka.
It's a match made in heaven, right, honey?
That's right.
Oh.
Oh...
(gasps)
(school bell ringing)
Rachel? What are you doing here?
You live in New York. You go to the most prestigious
drama school in the country.
Well, I am gonna be in the Lima Community Players'
production of The Music Man.
Tell me you're at least playing Marian the Librarian.
No, that's the lead. I'm just in the chorus.
Excuse me.
Rachel...
what's going on? Let go of me!
What happened you? What happened to all of us?
(Rachel shouting)
FINN: Hey! RACHEL: No!
Rory! Rory, where are you?
What's wrong?
What's wrong?!
Everything.
How can everything be so messed up?
You weren't in a wheelchair,
so you were too busy playing football to join Glee.
It turns out...
you were the glue of Glee, Artie.
The quiet, steady, beating heart of the group.
No glue... no Glee.
I can fix this.
I can.
I'll get them all back together.
Just you watch, I'll fix it.
(school bell ringing) You're probably wondering why
I've asked you all to meet me in the choir room.
This is Coach Sue's craft room.
Well, in an alternate universe, it was the choir room.
I had a dream about that once. I know.
And it was a place that always made me feel safe.
And I know it did for a lot of you, too.
That's 'cause we danced together, we sang together,
we took turns up here.
Like Finn said,
it's about the love of the music.
Dude, are you high?
I never said that.
Why don't you just show us what you mean?
("Feliz Navidad" begins)
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad, prospero año y felicidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Prospero año y felicidad ♪
♪ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad... ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Prospero año y felicidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad... ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
♪ Prospero año y felicidad ♪
♪ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪
♪ I wanna wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ From the bottom of my heart. ♪
That was so gay.
(school bell ringing)
(sewing machines whirring)
Is that mine?
No.
It's Quinn's.
Without the encouragement and support
from you and her friends in Glee,
Quinn was never able to walk again
after her accident.
Wait a minute, if there was no Glee Club,
there was no Finchel wedding for her to drive to, so...
Quinn texts and drives in every timeline, Artie.
Okay. Why isn't she in it?
She died.
How?
Of a broken heart.
Much like her body, her spirit never recovered.
FINN (echoing): Come on, dude, you mom's here.
(sighs)
You know, I could use some help here.
Come on, grab onto me.
(Finn grunts)
Sorry, Artie.
I know it really sucks being in this chair sometimes.
For better or for worse, this chair is a part of me.
It's made me who I am.
Well, if you're not going to come to Lima,
then my dads and I insist you come with us
to the Rosie O'Donnell Gay Holiday Cruise.
It's going to be so much fun.
There's even going to be
a Jessie Tyler Ferguson look-alike contest.
(gasps) Well, in that case,
I'm definitely gonna have to pass.
Honey, uh... And besides,
there's really no reason to go to Lima, anyway.
My dad and Finn and Carole
are visiting Carole's sister in Zanesville,
and she always has too much eggnog and blacks out.
Happy holidays!
Well, what about Blaine?
I talk to him.
But, you know, he knows
that I'm saving my money for NYADA now.
And it'll be good to just have some time for myself,
you know, and think about things and...
(knocking on door)
Can you get that?
RACHEL: Okay, what do we need for this tree?
It's just hopeless...
Um...
Dad!
(Burt laughing)
Burt?
Season's greetings!
Oh, my God!
Well, I got a tree... you need one?
Come in!
Okay, all right. I got it, I got it.
(gasping, laughing)
Okay, you can let go now.
RACHEL: Okay.
Come on, let's go look at it.
RACHEL (gasps): Oh, it's perfect.
Yeah, well, I couldn't imagine you guys
celebrating Christmas without a real tree.
You know, his mom used to always buy the tree.
I'd always tell her to wait till I
got home from work, but she never could.
And then, the first Christmas after his mom died,
I totally forgot about it.
That is, until
I saw little Kurt
hanging his own special version
of a Christmas ornament
on his window shade Christmas Eve.
Oh.
My mom's perfume bottle.
Oh, I always loved the way she smelled.
BURT: So I pull him out of bed,
I throw a coat on him,
I drive straight through a snowstorm,
right down to the Christmas tree sale.
It was the first time he smiled since his mom died.
Okay, no tears on Christmas Eve.
This box is full of happy memories, as well.
Like our Christmas trip to Dollywood.
Oh, yeah. That one I like.
That trip was for me.
Oh, and this redneck NASCAR trip,
that was for you. Hey, this is a nice ornament.
Let's hang them.
All right, well, I wish I could stay,
but can't really be late for a cruise, so...
Oh, hold on. You got to open this before you go.
Uh, happy Hanukkah, merry Christmas.
Oh...
It's for your first New York holiday season.
Hang it together. Thank you.
And then you can go. Okay.
Aw.
Kurt, okay, this, to our very first.
New York Christmas.
KURT: Ha. I never thought I'd see this day.
Us walking down the streets of New York,
right after seeing a live Broadway musical.
Well, the Rockettes might have better legs than me,
but they can't touch my "Single Ladies" performance.
That was the best musical I've ever seen.
Ah, it's freezing!
I think it's time to check off another.
Hummel family tradition: Hot chocolate.
Kurt, I have something to tell you,
and I came here because it's the kind of thing
I want to tell you face-to-face.
Don't like the sound of that.
Look, I'm just going to
come out and say it because there's no...
good way to say it.
Uh, I have prostate cancer.
(sighs)
Feel like I'm going to be sick.
No, no, hey, hey, look at me.
Do I look like a guy who's dying?
We caught it early.
You know, local stage, no spreading.
Cure rate's nearly 100%.
For healthy people, Dad.
You've already had a heart attack.
The heart attack is what, you know,
made me get checkups twice a year.
It's just really scary to think
that when I finally reach my destiny,
that you won't be around to see it.
Hey.
I will be there.
I promise.
Look, can I just give you one piece of advice
while we're still talking father to son?
This is three times I've had to stare death in the eye.
And you know the one thing I took away from all that?
You have got to hold the people you love
close to you no matter what.
Dad, you okay?
Do you need a pillow or tea, water?
No, Kurt, stop.
Come on, let's focus on happy things.
Like our Christmas traditions.
I am looking forward to watching basketball on Christmas Day
while you pretend you watch with me.
You mean while I secretly read Vogue?
That was never a secret.
No, like our other Christmas traditions.
Like on Christmas Eve, where we each exchange one gift.
My favorite part.
All right, you first.
Ah, I saw that.
(laughs) Nice.
I know it's cheesy, but thought you'd like it.
Screw cheesy. I love it.
In México, they would call me Señor Queso.
Look at this. Ah, man.
I love it, man.
You are going to kick ass at that school.
That's the plan.
All right, my turn.
Okay, so my gift to you is really big.
It's too big to put under the tree.
Curiosity piqued.
Okay, so you can pick it up at this address,
and, you know, if you don't like it,
you can return it.
Package for Kurt Hummel.
Blaine?
Surprise.
Your dad called me out of the blue
and wanted to fly me out here
just so I can see that look
on your face, and it's pretty priceless.
Actually, he told me everything,
and I promise, I'll keep an eye on him for you.
But the reason why I'm here
is because he didn't want us to miss out
on another important holiday tradition.
Our Christmas duet?
You are happy to see me, right?
Yeah, yeah. Always.
Come on. Get your skates on.
It's almost midnight. Hurry up!
(Blaine scatting as "White Christmas" begins)
♪ I'm dreaming ♪
♪ Of a white Christmas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪
♪ May your days, may your days, may your days ♪
♪ Be merry and bright ♪
♪ And may all ♪
♪ Your Christmases be white ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ I-I-I-I'm dreaming ♪
♪ Of a white Christmas ♪
♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ May your days be merry ♪
♪ And bright ♪
♪ And may all ♪
♪ Your Christmases ♪
♪ Be white ♪
♪ I'm dreaming ♪
♪ Of a white Christmas. ♪
(both scatting)
(song ends)
(bell tolling)
Listen. Hey.
It's midnight.
It's Christmas.
Officially.
No matter what, no matter where,
even if we're not together,
we're always going to be there for each other.
(school bell ringing)
Oh, hey, Puckerman, yo.
You going African,
or are you more Hebrew for the holidays?
Yeah, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? Which is it?
Kwanukkah!
(grunting)
Hey!
(grunting)
Hey! One Puckerman just ate your lunch.
What do you think's going to happen when we unload
two barrels of Puckshot into your ugly mugs?
Huh?
What are you looking at?
What are you doing here?
Just scoping out some chicks,
doing a little research for my screenplay.
You're a screenwriter now?
In L.A., you're nobody
unless you're somebody in the movie business.
I'm almost done with my first script.
It's sci-fi, but it has a high school element.
Wow. That sounds really cool, actually.
Well, if me being totally honest,
I also came back to talk to you.
I'm worried about you, dude.
Well, I'm fine.
Fine doesn't get into fights in the hallway.
Think what you need is a little mentoring from your big bro.
Come spend a few days in La La Land with me.
Let's do Hanukkah together.
All you need is some cash for gas and burritos.
My hog has a sweet sidecar.
Wait.
You... you want me to ride
all the way to California in a sidecar?
Where's your sense of adventure?
(school bell ringing)
Noah Puckerman.
There should be a drive-on for us.
That's what they call a pass that you get
when you're allowed to drive on to the lot.
It's a technical term.
So, who's your meeting with?
Is it about your screenplay?
I'm just here networking today.
Played with the sweater puppies
of one of the assistants of one of the guys
who produces one of the NCISes, and she got me the pass.
Wow. You really are making things happen.
It was inevitable.
If you're in Hollywood and you're a Jew or a gay,
you basically got it made.
What are you doing?
I told you... networking.
We need to let all the bigwigs here know who we are.
Or, more specifically, what we are.
("Oh Hanukkah" begins)
♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah, come light the menorah ♪
♪ Let's have a party, we'll all dance the horah ♪
♪ Gather round the table, we'll give you a treat ♪
♪ Sevivon to play with and latkes to eat ♪
♪ And while we are playing ♪
♪ The candles are burning low ♪
♪ One for each night, they shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ One for each night, they shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah, come light the menorah ♪
♪ Let's have a party, we'll all dance the horah ♪
♪ Gather round the table, we'll give you a treat ♪
♪ Sevivon to play with and latkes to eat ♪
♪ And while we are playing ♪
♪ The candles are burning low ♪
♪ One for each night, they shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah, come light the menorah ♪
♪ Let's have a party, we'll all dance the horah ♪
♪ Gather round the table, we'll give you a treat ♪
♪ Sevivon to play with and latkes to eat ♪
♪ And while we are playing ♪
♪ The candles are burning low ♪
♪ One for each night, they shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ One for each night, they shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪
♪ One for each night, they shed a sweet light ♪
♪ To remind us of days long ago. ♪
Happy Hanukkah!
JAKE: I can't believe
that this is where you live.
PUCK: No, I'm just renting.
I think if I buy, I'd want to be up in the hills.
One of those houses they shoot porn in.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the guy who cleans our pool?
Yeah, Mrs. Cross, hey.
I thought you were in Hawaii for Christmas.
Yeah, we came back early.
You have five minutes till I call the police.
Dude, why did you lie to me?
I didn't think you'd be impressed by my apartment
in the Valley filled with Ikea furniture
I never figured out how to put together.
So all that screenwriter stuff... is that just garbage, too?
Figured it was my only chance to convince you
to come move out here with me.
I'm a sophomore, man.
I mean, I had to lie to my mom
and tell her I was going on vacation in Fort Lauderdale
with Ryder and his family just to get out here for this.
I'm a mess out here, dude.
It's lonely. I've got no friends.
It's impossible to meet people
'cause you spend the whole day in your car.
Why didn't you just tell me that?
We are family.
I mean, I would've understood.
That your big brother is a loser?
Let's go back to Lima.
If we leave this afternoon,
we'll make it back by Christmas Eve.
If I go back, my mom's gonna make me
go to Breadstix for dinner on Christmas Day
while my sister hangs out with her Christian friends.
Cool. I'll go, too.
And I'll invite my mom.
My mom hates your mom.
Your mom hasn't ever even met my mom.
You feel lonely, you want this feeling of family.
Fine, then let's you and I... we'll make it happen.
Thanks.
How great is this lasagna?
I saw you once, you know.
I came into that diner you were working at
after he told me about you.
You waited on me.
Acted like you had no idea who I was.
I didn't.
He never told me he was married.
He did not wear his ring when we were together.
Is that how you make yourself feel better?
Stop it.
He split on both of you.
You spent all these years hating each other,
keeping me and my brother apart,
and for what?
To spite some jerk
who never loved any of us?
Puck's right.
We all have one thing in common:
He ran out on all of us.
This week with Puck was...
ridiculous,
but it felt different
than being with a friend.
We're a family. Okay?
A pretty messed up one, but still a family.
Your father really was an ass.
An epic ass. (Jake chuckles)
So let's drink a toast.
Yes, let's.
To the power of the holidays,
to new traditions and to an epic ass
that did one thing right:
He brought us together.
Cheers. Cheers.
Merry Hanukkah, dude.
Right back at you, bro.
(school bell ringing)
Hi, Marley.
Here's a Rolex. Merry Christmas.
Hi, Ryder.
Here's a three-week vacation to Saint-Tropez.
What? Enjoy.
Boop.
What's this?
Those are the keys to your brand-new 2013 Toyota Camry.
Brittany, what are you doing?
Um, well, last week, I decided to watch
a documentary about the Mayan Apocalypse,
which arrives on December 21, 2012.
So I decided to cash in all my savings so my friends and I
could enjoy what's left of our lives to the fullest.
Enjoy.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
(school bell ringing)
Hey, Brittany.
Um, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, not if you're gonna tell me
that the Mayan Apocalypse isn't real.
'Cause the documentary I watched was on the History Channel,
involving real actors portraying real events.
No, listen.
I believe it, too.
(school bell ringing) Fact.
2012 is the year that Kim Il-Sung,
founder of North Korea, would've turned 100.
Divide 100 by ten, the percentage of Americans
that believe the world will end on the 21st of December,
and you get ten... Mexico's rank in the world
as a tourist destination...
whose president expects the Mayan Apocalypse
to attract 52 million people to his country.
It's all right there.
All anyone has to do is look at the numbers.
I'm terrified.
And we need to purify ourselves for the last day of b'ak'tun,
the 144,000-day cycle of the Mayan Calendar.
Totally. We need to tell everyone we know
how we really feel about them.
(school bell ringing)
You guys, welcome to the first meeting
of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse Club.
Wait, that's what this is?
Don't worry, it's also the last meeting.
BRITTANY: Because we're all so close,
Sam and I wanted to bring you here
so we could finally tell you our true feelings about you.
Tina,
acting is a pipe dream for you,
and your decision to pursue it as a career
is both irresponsible and shocking.
Joe, you haven't really made much of an impression on me,
and I don't really know what your deal is.
Wait a second. This is the worst club ever.
We're not gonna just sit here and let you insult us.
I wasn't gonna insult you; All I wanted to tell you
was that I think you're delightful.
Guys, you can't leave yet; You're gonna miss the best part!
Okay, merry Christmas to you two.
Guys, we're not even gonna
make it to Christmas!
I can't believe how naive they are.
I know.
Some people just can't face the cold, hard fact
that this earth is really just the back of a giant crocodile
that's destroyed and recreated every 500 years.
Well, at least we have each other.
Yeah.
And since the world is gonna end before Christmas,
in the meantime, this will have to do.
(playing Bobby Helms' "Jingle Bell Rock")
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ♪
♪ Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun ♪
♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time ♪
♪ Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square ♪
♪ In the frosty air ♪
♪ What a bright time, it's the right time ♪
♪ To rock the night away ♪
♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪
♪ To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh ♪
♪ Giddyap, jingle horse, pick up your feet ♪
♪ Jingle around the clock ♪
♪ Mix and a-mingle in the jingling beat ♪
♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bell chime in jingle bell time ♪
♪ Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun ♪
♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪
♪ Giddyap, jingle horse, pick up your feet ♪
♪ Jingle around the clock ♪
♪ Mix and a-mingle in the jingling beat ♪
♪ That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell ♪
♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
♪ Rock. ♪
(song ends with flourish)
Whoo!
Yes!
And here's another rock.
Brittany,
before the world ends,
will you marry me?
(school bell ringing)
Are you sure you're qualified to marry us?
You betcha, kiddo.
I went on a Mayan Church Web site
and I got ordained... if you're really serious about doing this.
Yeah. I want Brittany and I to meet Q'uq'umatz,
the feathered snake god, together.
Put your hands here.
Brittany, I've always thought you were super hot
and really smart,
but what I didn't know was that you were going to end up
being my soul mate.
Who knows what the future holds for us?
Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters.
But now I'm not worried about that, because I have you.
Sam, when you first joined the glee club,
I didn't notice for a while.
It wasn't until you did a Rich Little impression
and then told me it was a Rich Little impression
and explained who Rich Little was
that I just... I knew you were special.
And I can't tell you how excited I am
to become your Mayan star-wife.
BEISTE: You may kiss your bride.
It's December 18.
Three days till the end.
Let's make this time count.
(birds chirping)
Brittany.
It's December 22.
We survived the Mayan Apocalypse.
You know what this means?
The world didn't end.
We're also married.
(school bell ringing)
You know, I hate to ask you something
during your midday ritual of devouring
an entire animal carcass, so here goes nothing.
What's going on here?
It's the faculty and staff Secret Santa!
And you really couldn't swallow first, could you?
(chuckles)
Mmm.
Millie Rose.
Who the hell's Millie Rose?
She's a sweetheart. She works in the cafeteria.
She's a big lady, and I think her daughter's in the glee club.
(school bell ringing)
How about this one?
Becky, it's a beautiful sweater from Benetton.
Epic fail!
I already got one of these, Coach!
Get me something I don't already have!
Like what? Like a hot date!
Or a snowmobile!
Oh, Becky, you're not the only person I have to shop for.
I got to get something for that hideous wad of a lunch lady,
who somehow was able to squeeze out
a ravishing, golden-throated,
raven-haired beauty from those monstrous, gaping loins.
(sighs)
What do you get the woman who's eaten everything?
(school bell ringing)
Just to be clear, no presents this year.
That money is going to a therapist
who specializes in eating disorders.
We're not playing around here.
I know, Mom.
I know this is serious.
I have a problem, and I want to get better.
Besides, we don't really need anything.
Not even a tree?
Marley...
a tree is $50,
and a session with Dr. Goodsitt is $200.
I don't need to tell you that I don't make a lot of money.
I will be damned if I waste a penny of it
before my daughter is healthy enough
to realize what a beautiful miracle she is.
Sorry.
MRS. ROSE: If you want to give me a gift,
sing me something.
Deal.
♪ The first Noel ♪
♪ The angel did say ♪
♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪
♪ In fields as they lay ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Noel, Noel... ♪
♪ Born is the king ♪
♪ Of Israel. ♪
That, right there,
is the best Christmas gift I have ever gotten.
(school bell ringing)
Well, Becky,
I feel absolutely horrible.
I've become selfish and spoiled,
and incredibly out of touch.
Look at this tree.
Yes, it has a stark beauty all its own.
But did I really need to cut down
a 7,000-year-old bristlecone pine
just to hang ornaments on it?
It just seems frivolous.
Becky, I just made a call
to a guy in the antiquities business.
He's got contacts in the luxury toothpick market.
You and I are gonna sell him this tree,
and we're going to give the proceeds
to a very important cause.
(school bell ringing)
MRS. ROSE: Marley? Marley!
Marley, get down here, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Yeah, the back door was jimmied open,
I was gonna call the police, and then I saw all this. Mom.
Look at this sweater.
It's... I think it's from Benetton.
Oh, sweet Lord...
I am gonna pass out. Marley... Oh, my God.
Marley, there's $800 here.
(laughs) Oh, my God.
Merry Christmas, Mom!
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
We should probably still call the police.
ANNIE: I actually think I knew it was really over
when he tried to pick up on my sister...
at her baby shower.
(laughing)
Aw, look at 'em.
Laughing, trading war stories about us kids.
It's a true Hanukkah miracle.
You know, I'm really gonna miss you when you go back to L.A.
I was thinking about that.
I mean, I'm a screenwriter. I can write anywhere.
And I'm sure most of my pool-cleaning clients in Lima
would take me back, so...
So you're moving back home?
L.A. is great, but...
someone needs to look after you and our moms.
So we're not actually married.
There aren't actually any Mayan church Web sites.
The Mayans were wiped out 500 years ago
by the conquistadors and smallpox.
That's like chickenpox, but smaller.
Look, when I heard the two of you were getting engaged,
I thought to myself, these kids are two...
special kids.
The last thing we need is another teen tragedy
of marrying too young,
popping out a couple kids before you're 20
and ending up with your faces blurred out
on an episode of Cops.
I'm happy to have more time with Sam.
I just... I feel empty since the world didn't end.
Yeah, like everything was just so energized
for those few days, and I felt so close to everyone, and...
It... it was really awesome. I just miss that feeling.
(imitates phone buzzing)
Hey, look at my phone.
Huh. I got a Google alert about the Mayan calendar.
It says, uh...
some archaeologist named Indiana Jones
found a new Mayan calendar today.
That's remarkable.
Dr. Jones said that the new end of the world date
is September 27, 2014.
That gives us like two whole years
of giving love and brutal honesty to everyone we know.
So, who's winning?
Celtics. Celtics.
Okay, I tried.
Ah... 20 seconds. Oh!
Pay up, Anderson.
You may have dated him, but I raised him.
I know my son.
Aw, you couldn't have just toughed it out
for just a few more seconds, Kurt?
No. Just a few more seconds.
So... graduating...
Plans for the future?
Uh... well...
I haven't talked about this with Kurt,
and I wouldn't do anything
to make him uncomfortable,
but I was thinking about
applying to NYADA.
Would that be okay?
I think that'd be great.
Me, too.
(school bell ringing, knock on door)
Could I talk to you for a second, Coach?
I wanted to say thank you
for what you did for Marley and me.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I had nothing to do with the making of that film.
I bribed Becky Jackson with candy,
and she told me everything.
You're very generous,
but, um... (clears throat)
I'm afraid I can't accept this money.
Well, you and I both know
how hard it is to be a single mother.
So take the money,
and make sure that daughter of yours gets better.
Is that understood?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
please sideways-step yourself the hell out of my office.
Uh... would you come with me?
Marley wanted to say thank you, too.
Does this involve the glee club
singing a Christmas song in the auditorium
with snow falling on an elaborate winter scene?
(school bell ringing)
Yep, okay. This is exactly what I just described.
Coach Sylvester, I wanted to thank you for what you did.
So I called Artie, and he helped pull all this together.
Well, it's a testament to how little you know me
if you think this is something I would enjoy.
("Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" begins)
♪ Have yourself ♪
♪ A merry little Christmas ♪
♪ Let your heart be light ♪
♪ From now on our troubles ♪
♪ Will be out of sight ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪
♪ Make the Yuletide gay ♪
♪ From now on ♪
♪ Our troubles will be miles away ♪
♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪
♪ Happy golden days ♪
♪ Of yore ♪
♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪
♪ Gather near to us ♪
♪ Once more ♪ ♪ Once more... ♪
♪ Through the years ♪
♪ We all will be together ♪
♪ If the fates allow ♪
♪ Hang a shining star ♪
♪ Upon the highest bough ♪
♪ And have yourself ♪
♪ A merry little Christmas now ♪
♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪
♪ Gather near to us ♪
♪ Once more ♪
♪ Through the years ♪
♪ We all will be together ♪
♪ If the fates allow ♪
♪ Hang a shining star ♪
♪ Upon the highest bough ♪
♪ And have yourself ♪
♪ A merry little Christmas ♪
♪ Now. ♪
Merry Christmas!