1
00:00:00,473 --> 00:00:02,973
Honey, why can't we just take
this picture at home? Seriously?
2
00:00:03,007 --> 00:00:04,391
Because every pic
we have of the three of us
3
00:00:04,442 --> 00:00:06,109
is with me holding
my hand out like this
4
00:00:06,144 --> 00:00:07,944
and my head looks huge because
I'm closest to the lens.
5
00:00:07,945 --> 00:00:09,279
Yeah,
'cause your head is huge.
6
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:10,447
It's called
forced perspective.
7
00:00:10,482 --> 00:00:12,015
I don't have time to teach you
about photography.
8
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:13,900
Let's just get a real photo done
9
00:00:13,951 --> 00:00:15,501
and you can see how normal
my head is.
10
00:00:15,536 --> 00:00:17,737
How's that neck hole
treating you, honey?
11
00:00:17,788 --> 00:00:19,021
It's called a tight crew.
12
00:00:19,039 --> 00:00:20,406
Hi there.
13
00:00:20,457 --> 00:00:21,741
- Hi. We're the Brinkleys.
- Hi.
14
00:00:21,775 --> 00:00:23,493
Uh, we have an appointment
15
00:00:23,527 --> 00:00:25,077
to take our holiday photo
at 3:30.
16
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,863
And yes, we do realize
that it is...
17
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,031
- 5:52.
- It's 5:52.
18
00:00:29,065 --> 00:00:30,616
See this little angel
right here?
19
00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,568
She likes to hide car keys.
20
00:00:32,586 --> 00:00:35,037
This time
in the Zip-loc drawer.
21
00:00:35,071 --> 00:00:37,707
It's just life, you know,
getting in the way.
22
00:00:37,741 --> 00:00:40,626
Yeah... We close at 6:00.
23
00:00:40,677 --> 00:00:41,711
Great. Eight minutes.
24
00:00:41,745 --> 00:00:43,212
I mean, we're--look at us.
25
00:00:43,246 --> 00:00:45,848
Practically shoots itself.
26
00:00:45,883 --> 00:00:47,099
I'm not trying to take
your job away.
27
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:48,518
No. I wish you would though.
28
00:00:48,552 --> 00:00:50,686
It sucks.
29
00:00:50,721 --> 00:00:52,522
I feel like
I'm blinking a lot.
30
00:00:52,556 --> 00:00:53,940
I've forgotten how to smile.
31
00:00:53,974 --> 00:00:55,842
- Does my smile look creepy?
- A little bit.
32
00:00:55,876 --> 00:00:57,143
Happy.
Smile happy this time.
33
00:00:57,177 --> 00:00:58,611
Completely forgot
how to smile.
34
00:00:58,645 --> 00:00:59,862
I'm really pitting out
right now, babe.
35
00:00:59,897 --> 00:01:01,214
- Okay, babe--
- Big smile, guys.
36
00:01:01,248 --> 00:01:03,366
- Oh, oh.
- Look at the slacker Jesus.
37
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,484
Look at the slacker Jesus.
[Baby grumbles]
38
00:01:05,536 --> 00:01:07,019
Look at the funny man,
look at the funny man!
39
00:01:07,054 --> 00:01:09,238
Yeah, so we're, like,
officially closed now.
40
00:01:09,272 --> 00:01:10,740
This is it, guys. This is
our money shot right here.
41
00:01:10,774 --> 00:01:13,326
Money shot? Really?
Why is--like, honestly.
42
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:14,478
Here we go.
43
00:01:15,913 --> 00:01:17,129
[Upbeat music]
44
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:20,497
♪
45
00:01:29,564 --> 00:01:33,497
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
46
00:01:34,114 --> 00:01:36,515
Regan's right.
That's a big head.
47
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:37,767
I look like a Pez dispenser.
48
00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:40,603
I mean,
a handsome Pez dispenser.
49
00:01:40,637 --> 00:01:42,188
Look at me, it's like
"Merry Christmas, I'm burping."
50
00:01:42,239 --> 00:01:44,190
Wow, Scott, you're fixated
on my head aren't you?
51
00:01:44,224 --> 00:01:46,242
- Well, now it's all I can see.
- It's hard not to.
52
00:01:46,276 --> 00:01:47,276
Come on.
[Christmas caroling]
53
00:01:47,310 --> 00:01:48,861
Oh, God, Gene and Terry.
54
00:01:48,912 --> 00:01:50,580
Head down! Head down!
Turn on the sprinklers.
55
00:01:50,614 --> 00:01:53,833
- ♪ Don we now my gay apparel
- Scott--wow.
56
00:01:53,867 --> 00:01:55,501
Both: ♪ fa la la fa la la la la la ♪
57
00:01:55,535 --> 00:01:58,337
Merry Christmas
from your neighhh-bors.
58
00:01:59,372 --> 00:02:01,705
We present to you
the Marden Holiday Newsletter.
59
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:05,428
As you know, stamp prices
have been skyrocketing.
60
00:02:05,462 --> 00:02:08,795
We're saving some dinero
by delivering pony express.
61
00:02:09,099 --> 00:02:12,432
This one slows down
she gets the old crop.
62
00:02:12,502 --> 00:02:14,353
Don't worry,
they're just little fanny taps.
63
00:02:14,388 --> 00:02:16,555
- Okay, then.
- Merry Christmas, you guys.
64
00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:19,940
- [Neighs]
- Oh... Keep riding.
65
00:02:20,027 --> 00:02:23,360
Hey, Scott, you don't have
door privileges, man.
66
00:02:24,982 --> 00:02:26,816
Before we go over
my financials,
67
00:02:26,850 --> 00:02:29,035
Marla, can I get you a drink?
68
00:02:29,069 --> 00:02:30,403
I'd love a glass of water
69
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:31,704
to throw in your face.
70
00:02:31,738 --> 00:02:32,872
Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
71
00:02:32,906 --> 00:02:35,825
You can't talk to me that way!
72
00:02:36,859 --> 00:02:37,326
Or can you?
73
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,861
I've never understood
our relationship.
74
00:02:38,879 --> 00:02:40,746
Ava, you're in
complete denial.
75
00:02:40,797 --> 00:02:42,915
Ever since they canceled
The Ava Show
76
00:02:42,966 --> 00:02:44,383
you have no money coming in
77
00:02:44,418 --> 00:02:46,585
and the same amount
of money going out.
78
00:02:46,637 --> 00:02:48,838
Money coming in.
Got it.
79
00:02:48,872 --> 00:02:50,556
No, you have
no money coming in.
80
00:02:50,590 --> 00:02:52,591
I thought you said
I have money coming in.
81
00:02:52,643 --> 00:02:54,510
I did say you had
money coming in,
82
00:02:54,844 --> 00:02:57,396
but with a "no" in front of it.
83
00:02:58,731 --> 00:03:00,764
Continue.
84
00:03:01,735 --> 00:03:03,436
Ava, you're gonna have to
put yourself on a budget.
85
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,721
- What?
- The first order of business
86
00:03:05,739 --> 00:03:07,857
is no more extravagant
Christmas presents.
87
00:03:07,891 --> 00:03:09,859
But if I cheap out
on my Christmas gifts
88
00:03:09,893 --> 00:03:11,827
then people can't price check
how much I love them.
89
00:03:11,862 --> 00:03:14,163
You bought your friend
a jet ski.
90
00:03:14,197 --> 00:03:16,615
If anyone deserves
a recreational water craft,
91
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:18,617
it is Regan Brinkley.
92
00:03:18,669 --> 00:03:19,919
If you continue
to buy jet skis,
93
00:03:19,953 --> 00:03:21,420
you're gonna end up on a cot
94
00:03:21,455 --> 00:03:22,421
in a church basement
95
00:03:22,456 --> 00:03:24,423
next to a Fanta machine
96
00:03:24,458 --> 00:03:26,959
using a styrofoam plate
to swat the mice away.
97
00:03:27,010 --> 00:03:29,595
Wow.
98
00:03:29,629 --> 00:03:32,848
The specificity
of that was terrifying.
99
00:03:32,883 --> 00:03:36,216
What if I just keep the jet ski
I bought for myself?
100
00:03:37,387 --> 00:03:38,888
Are you mad?
101
00:03:38,922 --> 00:03:40,523
Does that face mean you're mad?
102
00:03:40,557 --> 00:03:42,024
All right, let's see
what these nerd balls
103
00:03:42,059 --> 00:03:45,061
have been up to, huh?
104
00:03:47,197 --> 00:03:48,564
I'm just furious already.
105
00:03:48,598 --> 00:03:50,566
This year, Ter-Bear got
106
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,485
her black belt in
jeet kune do--what?
107
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,570
- What?
- How?
108
00:03:54,604 --> 00:03:56,205
Wait, Gene and Terry
were on the kiss cam
109
00:03:56,206 --> 00:03:57,740
at the U.S. open?
When did that happen?
110
00:03:57,774 --> 00:04:01,043
Gene's podcast
has over 10,000 downloads?
111
00:04:01,078 --> 00:04:02,912
Gene has a podcast? I've
always wanted to do a pod--
112
00:04:02,946 --> 00:04:04,413
How do they have
the time for this?
113
00:04:04,447 --> 00:04:06,048
- Who has time for this?
- You know what?
114
00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:07,404
Don't let them
get into your head.
115
00:04:07,417 --> 00:04:09,417
Babe, you always rock out
our Christmas newsletter.
116
00:04:09,419 --> 00:04:11,303
- How's it going this year?
- It's great.
117
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:12,788
- Yeah?
- It's gonna--
118
00:04:12,806 --> 00:04:14,456
- it's gonna be great.
- Don't say gonna.
119
00:04:14,474 --> 00:04:15,925
Because I haven't
started it yet.
120
00:04:15,959 --> 00:04:17,059
- Kinda running out of time.
- Okay.
121
00:04:17,094 --> 00:04:18,644
In case you hadn't noticed,
122
00:04:18,678 --> 00:04:19,929
it's beginning to
look a lot like Christmas.
123
00:04:19,963 --> 00:04:21,931
- Everywhere you go.
- I'm on it.
124
00:04:21,965 --> 00:04:24,350
Tonight that newsletter
is going down in two hits.
125
00:04:24,401 --> 00:04:26,318
Me hitting the keyboards
and me hitting print.
126
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:29,405
Their son made it to the Vegas
round of America's got talent?
127
00:04:29,439 --> 00:04:32,772
- No! That kid has zero talent.
- Zero.
128
00:04:32,809 --> 00:04:34,944
Do you have this one
in a smaller size.
129
00:04:34,978 --> 00:04:36,162
Like, for a two year old?
130
00:04:36,196 --> 00:04:37,613
You know,
a toddler cocktail ring?
131
00:04:37,647 --> 00:04:38,614
- Ava!
- Hmm?
132
00:04:38,648 --> 00:04:39,832
Give me your purse.
133
00:04:39,866 --> 00:04:41,333
- What?
- Just give me your purse.
134
00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,420
[Sighs]
135
00:04:44,454 --> 00:04:49,687
Here. You have exactly $25
to spend on the Brinkley gift.
136
00:04:49,793 --> 00:04:51,553
You're gonna have to reach
deep in your heart
137
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:53,512
instead of your purse
for the gift.
138
00:04:53,547 --> 00:04:56,549
I'm keeping all your credit
cards until after the holidays.
139
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:57,967
Fine.
140
00:04:58,001 --> 00:04:59,518
Two of those cards
are maxed out anyway.
141
00:04:59,553 --> 00:05:00,936
And your bra card.
142
00:05:00,971 --> 00:05:04,304
- [Scoffs]
- Uh-huh.
143
00:05:04,441 --> 00:05:05,441
Both cups.
144
00:05:05,475 --> 00:05:08,227
- Jeez.
- Jeez.
145
00:05:08,278 --> 00:05:09,395
Thank you.
146
00:05:09,446 --> 00:05:10,980
Sorry, that one's
a little sweaty.
147
00:05:11,014 --> 00:05:12,982
- Check it out.
- All right.
148
00:05:14,016 --> 00:05:16,318
This year Chris started
Brinkley-Chafin Construction
149
00:05:16,352 --> 00:05:19,038
and the company's
already on the brink-ley--
150
00:05:19,072 --> 00:05:20,406
cute--of something great.
151
00:05:20,457 --> 00:05:21,824
Yeah, that one was easy.
152
00:05:21,858 --> 00:05:23,375
Great Scott!
153
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:25,377
These two have been
Chris-crossing the city.
154
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,963
Most recently in
the Tony Hancock Park area
155
00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:29,331
where they renovated
a historical mansion.
156
00:05:29,365 --> 00:05:30,749
Wait, babe,
157
00:05:30,801 --> 00:05:32,501
what we did was renovate
the guesthouse kitchenette.
158
00:05:32,535 --> 00:05:34,587
I know, but that just sounds
so much better.
159
00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:36,472
Since seeing her first snow up
at Big Bear this year,
160
00:05:36,506 --> 00:05:38,774
our little Amy has become
a real snow-it-all.
161
00:05:38,809 --> 00:05:40,709
Well, we said
we were gonna do it
162
00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:43,479
so, I mean, eventually
it's gonna be true, right?
163
00:05:43,513 --> 00:05:44,763
This whole thing is fake.
164
00:05:44,815 --> 00:05:46,015
Kinda like the fake photo
165
00:05:46,049 --> 00:05:47,566
that you made us take, right?
166
00:05:47,601 --> 00:05:49,485
Goes with that. Perfectly.
167
00:05:49,519 --> 00:05:50,986
Yep. You're right.
168
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:52,905
Fake snow. Fake smiles.
Everything's fake.
169
00:05:52,939 --> 00:05:55,059
So let's get going here.
Help me with the envelopes.
170
00:05:55,075 --> 00:05:57,326
Babe, no.
We have only got two days
171
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,694
until these things
have to go out.
172
00:05:58,728 --> 00:06:00,613
So I--I think
that we take something
173
00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:02,331
from our fake newsletter
and we do it for real.
174
00:06:03,365 --> 00:06:05,084
Okay. Let's see.
175
00:06:06,118 --> 00:06:07,252
Snow.
176
00:06:07,586 --> 00:06:08,587
Yeah.
177
00:06:08,622 --> 00:06:10,122
Let's get up first thing
tomorrow morning,
178
00:06:10,673 --> 00:06:12,174
get in the car
and take Amy up to Big Bear
179
00:06:12,209 --> 00:06:14,043
to see her first snow
for real.
180
00:06:14,077 --> 00:06:16,095
And then we can get
this photo for real.
181
00:06:16,129 --> 00:06:17,346
And then you can
take another crack
182
00:06:17,380 --> 00:06:18,347
at this newsletter
on the way up.
183
00:06:18,381 --> 00:06:20,049
On to the snow.
184
00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,433
The snow must go on.
185
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:22,635
Please no more puns.
186
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,637
Or is it snow more puns--
187
00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:26,689
- It's now more puns.
- Okay.
188
00:06:26,723 --> 00:06:29,558
[Sighs]
All right.
189
00:06:29,592 --> 00:06:31,810
Amy, honey, just tell me
where you put our keys
190
00:06:31,862 --> 00:06:33,479
and then we can go to the snow.
191
00:06:33,530 --> 00:06:34,947
What I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna pick her up
192
00:06:34,981 --> 00:06:36,232
and I'm gonna hold her
around the room
193
00:06:36,266 --> 00:06:37,700
just like Gene's metal detector
194
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:39,201
and I'm gonna see if--oh.
195
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:42,404
Baby slot machine.
Now let's go.
196
00:06:42,438 --> 00:06:43,706
Oh, honey, wait, no, no, no.
197
00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:45,040
I gotta pay
the credit card bill.
198
00:06:45,075 --> 00:06:46,355
No, no, no, no,
do not go online.
199
00:06:46,376 --> 00:06:47,459
- No. Do not go online.
- I have to.
200
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,161
No because you're gonna
201
00:06:49,212 --> 00:06:50,412
see an article
about a new disease
202
00:06:50,446 --> 00:06:51,914
or Richard Marx or something.
203
00:06:51,948 --> 00:06:53,799
Why? What happened
to Richard Marx?
204
00:06:53,833 --> 00:06:55,751
Nothing, we're just not gonna
let life get in the way today.
205
00:06:55,785 --> 00:06:57,586
Okay, no, you're right.
You're right. You're right.
206
00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:58,587
- Come on, honey, let's just--
- Screw you, credit card.
207
00:06:58,621 --> 00:06:59,755
Hi.
208
00:06:59,789 --> 00:07:01,173
- [Sighs]
- Brinkleys.
209
00:07:01,224 --> 00:07:02,925
If I asked you to strip away
210
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:05,844
all your material
wants and desires
211
00:07:05,896 --> 00:07:07,846
and just boil yourselves
down to your essence,
212
00:07:07,881 --> 00:07:10,933
as a family,
what would your essence be?
213
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:12,985
Please do not say jet ski.
214
00:07:13,019 --> 00:07:14,436
Ava, honey, we're trying
to get out of the house
215
00:07:14,470 --> 00:07:16,355
- and go up to the snow.
- No, no, I know.
216
00:07:16,406 --> 00:07:18,274
And if your essence could just
be under $25 that'd be great.
217
00:07:18,308 --> 00:07:20,409
- I've got--
- Okay, here we go.
218
00:07:20,443 --> 00:07:22,111
- Think she's on xanies?
- I don't know.
219
00:07:22,145 --> 00:07:23,329
Let's deal with it
when we get home.
220
00:07:23,363 --> 00:07:25,197
[Both chanting]
Snow! Snow! Snow!
221
00:07:27,287 --> 00:07:28,471
(Regan Scoffs)
222
00:07:28,987 --> 00:07:30,471
Look what just passed us, honey.
223
00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:32,471
A cloud.
224
00:07:33,855 --> 00:07:35,838
You eating Combos
or chewing a British driveway?
225
00:07:37,626 --> 00:07:38,360
Fine.
226
00:07:38,395 --> 00:07:40,028
Putting away my joy.
227
00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:41,823
All right, so how's
that newsletter coming?
228
00:07:41,831 --> 00:07:43,565
Good. Right now
I am working on
229
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,467
the Brinkley-Chafin
Construction section.
230
00:07:45,502 --> 00:07:47,536
Well, why don't you just say
that I left my job at the firm
231
00:07:47,570 --> 00:07:49,488
to go into business
with my brother-in-law?
232
00:07:50,022 --> 00:07:52,708
Like Michael Jordan,
Chris walked away
233
00:07:52,742 --> 00:07:56,875
from his thriving legal practice
at the top of his game.
234
00:07:57,297 --> 00:07:59,665
Hmm, Jordan, I don't know.
Maybe Pippen.
235
00:07:59,699 --> 00:08:03,032
To take the construction
world by storm.
236
00:08:03,970 --> 00:08:05,254
Storm.
237
00:08:05,305 --> 00:08:07,256
Look out Donald
and Melania Trump.
238
00:08:07,307 --> 00:08:09,425
Babe, we renovated
a fondue place.
239
00:08:09,476 --> 00:08:12,311
Just write about something else
that's more interesting than--
240
00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:15,678
Okay, something else...
241
00:08:19,602 --> 00:08:20,762
We finally finished The Wire.
242
00:08:20,770 --> 00:08:22,053
- The Wire.
- Right?
243
00:08:22,071 --> 00:08:23,605
- Yeah.
- That's, like, five seasons.
244
00:08:23,656 --> 00:08:26,024
- That's a major commitment.
- It's time, with a child?
245
00:08:26,058 --> 00:08:27,609
We finished The Wire.
246
00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:28,860
All right,
that's good for now.
247
00:08:28,862 --> 00:08:31,864
Oh, Scott,
I'm so glad you're here.
248
00:08:31,898 --> 00:08:33,532
I cannot wait to show you
249
00:08:33,566 --> 00:08:35,367
my Christmas gift
for the Brinkleys.
250
00:08:35,401 --> 00:08:37,202
Oh, the jet ski?
They're gonna love that.
251
00:08:37,236 --> 00:08:40,255
No, no, based on information
I've gleaned
252
00:08:40,290 --> 00:08:42,407
from knowing the Brinkleys
for almost 20 years
253
00:08:42,425 --> 00:08:45,677
and fully on my own without
the help of anyone...
254
00:08:45,712 --> 00:08:50,545
Or Marla, I have come up with
the most thoughtful gift.
255
00:08:52,817 --> 00:08:56,250
♪ Oh put it in your [Bleep]
256
00:08:56,422 --> 00:08:57,606
♪ Put it in your [Bleep]
257
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,475
♪ Put it in your [Bleep]
258
00:08:59,526 --> 00:09:02,811
It's a mix tape of all
my favorite slow jams.
259
00:09:02,862 --> 00:09:06,031
Each one charting a milestone
in my sexual odyssey.
260
00:09:06,065 --> 00:09:09,398
Rick James, d'Angelo,
the nasty projekt?
261
00:09:11,154 --> 00:09:14,456
Oh, it's okay if you're
too moved to speak
262
00:09:14,491 --> 00:09:16,241
due to thoughtfulness.
263
00:09:16,275 --> 00:09:18,627
Or funkfulness.
264
00:09:18,661 --> 00:09:20,245
Oh, babe.
265
00:09:20,279 --> 00:09:21,580
- It's chilly.
- Seriously?
266
00:09:21,614 --> 00:09:24,947
Yeah, come on.
It's not L.A. anymore.
267
00:09:26,085 --> 00:09:28,005
You know, I hate it
when guys pee outside, right?
268
00:09:28,754 --> 00:09:30,055
Hate it or jealous?
269
00:09:30,589 --> 00:09:31,590
Jealous.
270
00:09:31,624 --> 00:09:34,626
Oh, man, now I gotta pee too.
271
00:09:36,896 --> 00:09:40,229
Oh, my God it's cold.
272
00:09:40,633 --> 00:09:43,068
Man, I'm really going.
273
00:09:43,102 --> 00:09:45,571
This is the first moisture
this ground has had in forever.
274
00:09:45,605 --> 00:09:48,938
Um, honey, can you please...
275
00:09:50,243 --> 00:09:52,611
You need me to sing a song
276
00:09:52,645 --> 00:09:54,613
to help you get over
your acute pee shyness?
277
00:09:54,647 --> 00:09:56,915
Yes, please.
278
00:09:56,950 --> 00:10:00,035
♪ Don't go chasing
waterfalls ♪
279
00:10:00,086 --> 00:10:02,454
♪ just stick to the rivers
and the lakes--
280
00:10:02,488 --> 00:10:04,039
Okay, we're good.
281
00:10:04,090 --> 00:10:05,530
I always forget
that that's the, um--
282
00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:06,842
Shush, shush,
you're gonna screw me up.
283
00:10:06,876 --> 00:10:07,960
I'm gonna start.
No talking. No talking.
284
00:10:07,994 --> 00:10:11,327
[Police siren blares]
Babe.
285
00:10:11,381 --> 00:10:13,899
I can't stop, sir.
286
00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:16,134
We have to--can you please
avert your eyes.
287
00:10:16,168 --> 00:10:18,303
Please avert your eyes
'cause I can't stop.
288
00:10:18,337 --> 00:10:20,305
You're desecrating
ancient burial grounds
289
00:10:20,339 --> 00:10:21,807
with your disrespectful waste.
290
00:10:21,841 --> 00:10:23,725
- Look, sir, sir, sir.
- We're so sorry.
291
00:10:23,776 --> 00:10:25,310
I didn't wanna fake like we
were gonna buy something
292
00:10:25,344 --> 00:10:27,279
just to use the bathroom.
[Overlapping chatter]
293
00:10:27,313 --> 00:10:28,447
That's a bathroom--that's
a moral gray area.
294
00:10:28,481 --> 00:10:29,531
I mean, that's the real crime.
295
00:10:29,566 --> 00:10:31,450
Just kidding.
296
00:10:31,484 --> 00:10:33,285
This is the side of the road.
297
00:10:33,319 --> 00:10:34,903
Nobody's buried here.
298
00:10:34,954 --> 00:10:36,238
[Relieved sigh]
Oh, thank God.
299
00:10:36,289 --> 00:10:39,458
Some classic
roadside comedy, guy.
300
00:10:39,492 --> 00:10:41,326
But you're still getting
a ticket for public urination.
301
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,878
All righty.
302
00:10:42,912 --> 00:10:44,413
Now we got something
for the newsletter. Right?
303
00:10:44,464 --> 00:10:46,048
Can't wait to see
how you spin this one.
304
00:10:46,082 --> 00:10:48,250
Along with his multi-national
construction empire,
305
00:10:48,301 --> 00:10:50,085
Chris was also recognized
for his work
306
00:10:50,136 --> 00:10:53,469
irrigating a stretch
of California wild lands.
307
00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:55,724
I get it, I'm not doing
good enough for you.
308
00:10:56,258 --> 00:10:58,343
- What?
- Brinkley-Chafin Construction.
309
00:10:58,377 --> 00:10:59,561
You're so busy
trying to make it sound
310
00:10:59,596 --> 00:11:00,679
like I'm doing better
than I am.
311
00:11:00,713 --> 00:11:01,680
Why don't you just tell people
312
00:11:01,714 --> 00:11:03,515
that I built 48 strip malls,
313
00:11:03,549 --> 00:11:04,900
and I won The Apprentice,
314
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:08,267
and drive a stretch
Lamborghini Countach?
315
00:11:08,321 --> 00:11:09,488
Okay, you're talking
like a crazy person right now.
316
00:11:09,522 --> 00:11:11,189
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
317
00:11:11,223 --> 00:11:12,623
What happened?
Did, like, a scorpion
318
00:11:12,659 --> 00:11:13,909
swim up your urine stream
or something?
319
00:11:13,943 --> 00:11:15,527
- What?
- Seriously.
320
00:11:15,561 --> 00:11:17,863
I didn't even wanna write
a Christmas newsletter.
321
00:11:17,897 --> 00:11:19,230
All right?
322
00:11:19,248 --> 00:11:20,699
You're the one
who kept pushing it.
323
00:11:20,733 --> 00:11:22,734
I would have been happy
just going on the Facebook
324
00:11:22,752 --> 00:11:24,920
and typing in
"Merry Christmas, suckaz"
325
00:11:24,954 --> 00:11:26,204
with a "z"
so that it looks like
326
00:11:26,238 --> 00:11:27,205
I'm lighthearted and fun
327
00:11:27,239 --> 00:11:28,423
and then call it a year.
328
00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:29,458
Folks heading up
to see the snow?
329
00:11:29,509 --> 00:11:31,009
- Yes.
- Yeah.
330
00:11:31,044 --> 00:11:32,461
No, you're not.
Not without snow chains.
331
00:11:32,512 --> 00:11:34,630
Your best bet
is the Stop and Shop
332
00:11:34,681 --> 00:11:36,348
about 10 miles back.
333
00:11:36,382 --> 00:11:37,849
And if you buy snow chains
334
00:11:37,884 --> 00:11:41,217
maybe they'll let you pee there.
[Forced laughter]
335
00:11:41,854 --> 00:11:43,605
Thanks for that.
336
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,941
For this and the--
the great joke.
337
00:11:45,975 --> 00:11:47,476
So what did you get 'em?
338
00:11:47,527 --> 00:11:49,478
Eh, nothing special.
339
00:11:49,529 --> 00:11:51,530
Aw, come on.
Don't beat yourself up.
340
00:11:51,564 --> 00:11:54,897
Tell me.
341
00:11:55,535 --> 00:11:58,153
What is this?
Whoa!
342
00:11:58,204 --> 00:12:01,156
Is that from that party where
Regan and Chris first met?
343
00:12:01,207 --> 00:12:02,824
How did you get this?
344
00:12:02,875 --> 00:12:04,292
No big deal.
345
00:12:04,327 --> 00:12:05,827
I just looked through
some Facebook photos
346
00:12:05,878 --> 00:12:08,246
of people at that party
and spotted Chris and Regs
347
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,715
in the background
and had it blown up.
348
00:12:09,749 --> 00:12:12,551
Wow.
And the frame?
349
00:12:12,585 --> 00:12:15,053
I may have carved it
out of the wood
350
00:12:15,088 --> 00:12:18,421
from that old porch swing
where they first kissed.
351
00:12:20,309 --> 00:12:22,842
Oh, my God, Scott.
352
00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:26,512
My mix tape sucks.
353
00:12:26,632 --> 00:12:28,567
And not in the way
that R. Kelly describes
354
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:30,602
on track three...
Through nine.
355
00:12:30,636 --> 00:12:32,104
Ava, don't be
hard on yourself.
356
00:12:32,138 --> 00:12:33,321
It's just a Christmas gift.
357
00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:34,990
It's not just a gift!
358
00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:36,825
I can't even be on a budget
for one day, Scott.
359
00:12:36,859 --> 00:12:39,027
How am I gonna do it
for the rest of my life?
360
00:12:39,078 --> 00:12:41,697
And I've got what?
A trillion more days to live?
361
00:12:41,748 --> 00:12:44,332
- Ava--
- Ba ba ba!
362
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:48,200
♪ Stroke stroke stroke
stroke stroke it, girl ♪
363
00:12:49,488 --> 00:12:50,672
♪ Put it in your [Bleep]
364
00:12:50,707 --> 00:12:52,040
♪ Put it in your [Bleep]
365
00:12:52,091 --> 00:12:53,341
♪ Put it in you [Bleep]
366
00:12:53,376 --> 00:12:55,544
- Hey there. These.
- Hi.
367
00:12:55,595 --> 00:12:57,462
Ooh.
368
00:12:57,496 --> 00:12:59,464
Aren't you the cutest thing.
369
00:12:59,498 --> 00:13:00,682
Oh, wow.
Okay.
370
00:13:01,617 --> 00:13:02,684
Lucky-duck.
371
00:13:02,719 --> 00:13:04,886
That's my last set
of snow chains.
372
00:13:04,937 --> 00:13:07,139
- Okay...
- So what are you?
373
00:13:07,173 --> 00:13:09,391
Six one?
Six two?
374
00:13:10,442 --> 00:13:12,775
Six three.
[Register beeps]
375
00:13:12,812 --> 00:13:13,779
- Uh oh.
- Card's declined.
376
00:13:13,813 --> 00:13:15,564
- What?
- No.
377
00:13:15,615 --> 00:13:17,032
Oh, my God, I knew I should
have paid that bill, honey.
378
00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:18,316
And your rushed me out
of the house like that.
379
00:13:18,350 --> 00:13:19,651
Wait, do you take
any of these?
380
00:13:19,685 --> 00:13:21,453
I'd take anything
from you, sugar.
381
00:13:21,487 --> 00:13:22,954
But my machine won't.
382
00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:24,039
Do you have an ATM?
383
00:13:24,073 --> 00:13:27,406
Pushy little thing isn't she?
384
00:13:27,526 --> 00:13:29,127
ATM's back there
in the paw paw patch
385
00:13:29,162 --> 00:13:30,629
next to the jerky barrel.
386
00:13:30,663 --> 00:13:33,965
Cannot believe I did not
get the bill paid.
387
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,301
Lady keeps staring at me
making me tense up.
388
00:13:36,335 --> 00:13:38,220
Which only makes me
appear more ripped.
389
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:40,422
- It's like this vicious cycle.
- Oh, honey.
390
00:13:40,473 --> 00:13:42,390
All right.
391
00:13:42,425 --> 00:13:44,593
And there go our snow chains.
392
00:13:44,644 --> 00:13:46,561
That's perfect.
393
00:13:46,596 --> 00:13:49,181
Just another thing
not accomplished.
394
00:13:49,215 --> 00:13:51,650
Didn't take Amy
to see her first snow. Check.
395
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:53,985
This is why I didn't wanna do
that stupid newsletter, honey.
396
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:56,772
Because I didn't do anything
worth writing about.
397
00:13:56,823 --> 00:13:58,106
- I'm done.
- No, babe-
398
00:13:58,157 --> 00:14:00,909
- No, I'm done.
- Ba--
399
00:14:00,943 --> 00:14:02,861
Seems like a handful.
400
00:14:02,895 --> 00:14:04,729
I'd let her go if I were you.
401
00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:14,331
I'm spending all the money I got
out of the ATM on these Combos.
402
00:14:14,865 --> 00:14:15,699
Ooh, look at that.
403
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:18,285
Limited Buffalo Blue Cheese?
404
00:14:18,819 --> 00:14:20,253
Hey!
405
00:14:20,288 --> 00:14:22,422
I got cash, Mee-Maw!
406
00:14:22,456 --> 00:14:25,041
Look, honey, I'm sorry
that I blew up at you earlier.
407
00:14:25,092 --> 00:14:27,210
It's just when you embellished
all that stuff about my business
408
00:14:27,261 --> 00:14:30,130
it reminded me that it's...
409
00:14:30,164 --> 00:14:31,965
Well, it's not
where I want it to be.
410
00:14:31,999 --> 00:14:33,133
Are you kidding me?
411
00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:35,101
I think you're doing great.
412
00:14:35,136 --> 00:14:38,054
The only reason that
I embellished your stuff
413
00:14:38,105 --> 00:14:40,140
is because I have
nothing to embellish.
414
00:14:40,174 --> 00:14:41,641
What are you
talking about, babe?
415
00:14:41,675 --> 00:14:43,310
You're doing a great job
taking care of Amy.
416
00:14:43,344 --> 00:14:45,145
And I'm really happy
doing that,
417
00:14:45,179 --> 00:14:46,646
but when you look at it
on paper
418
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,481
it's like
a total snoozefest, you know?
419
00:14:48,515 --> 00:14:50,283
No, our life's
not the problem.
420
00:14:50,318 --> 00:14:51,901
The problem is
that newsletter.
421
00:14:51,953 --> 00:14:54,204
- Stupid newsletter!
- I hate that newsletter.
422
00:14:54,238 --> 00:14:56,740
But I love these
Buffalo Blue Cheese Combos.
423
00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:59,125
I'm getting all of 'em
for the ride home.
424
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,494
No, 'cause you know what,
we're going up that mountain.
425
00:15:01,528 --> 00:15:04,581
And not because of that
newsletter, but because of us.
426
00:15:05,132 --> 00:15:06,666
You know what
my favorite Combo is?
427
00:15:06,701 --> 00:15:08,001
Toasty Salsa Tortilla.
428
00:15:08,035 --> 00:15:09,970
No.
429
00:15:10,004 --> 00:15:10,971
Us.
430
00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:13,256
Honey.
431
00:15:13,307 --> 00:15:15,759
That is so lame.
432
00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:19,143
[Giggles]
433
00:15:20,047 --> 00:15:21,564
Now how are we gonna
get up the mountain
434
00:15:21,599 --> 00:15:24,601
if we don't have snow chains?
435
00:15:27,971 --> 00:15:29,990
Hey there, look who's back?
436
00:15:30,024 --> 00:15:33,193
- I knew you would be.
- Yeah...
437
00:15:33,227 --> 00:15:36,560
So listen, I was thinking,
there's--there's gotta be
438
00:15:37,114 --> 00:15:40,447
an extra set of snow chains
around here somewhere, huh?
439
00:15:40,668 --> 00:15:44,001
Maybe hidden behind those
crystal... brown... eyes of yours.
440
00:15:45,039 --> 00:15:48,041
I do have a set of
extra chains on my truck.
441
00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:49,376
Well, that's what
I'm talking about.
442
00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:50,410
- I'll give 'em to ya.
- Yeah.
443
00:15:50,411 --> 00:15:53,744
For $75 and a kiss.
444
00:15:53,914 --> 00:15:55,932
And... what?
445
00:15:55,966 --> 00:15:58,968
Are you serious?
446
00:16:04,758 --> 00:16:06,609
Okay.
Let's do it.
447
00:16:06,644 --> 00:16:09,646
Let's--let's do it.
448
00:16:09,697 --> 00:16:11,698
Oh, honey.
449
00:16:11,732 --> 00:16:14,734
I ain't your mama.
450
00:16:25,830 --> 00:16:28,915
[Laughs]
451
00:16:28,949 --> 00:16:30,750
Honey, I don't know
if this is a good time
452
00:16:30,784 --> 00:16:32,635
to bring it up or not,
but you just used up
453
00:16:32,670 --> 00:16:35,505
one of your freebies, so...
454
00:16:35,556 --> 00:16:38,458
Both: Snow, snow, snow,
snow, snow, snow,
455
00:16:38,476 --> 00:16:40,927
snow, snow, snow,
snow, snow!
456
00:16:40,961 --> 00:16:43,229
I'd love to own a little cabin
or something, right?
457
00:16:43,264 --> 00:16:45,398
I know, there's, like,
no radar out here so we c--
458
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:48,685
- What--
- What--what's going on now?
459
00:16:48,736 --> 00:16:50,687
This is silliness.
460
00:16:50,738 --> 00:16:51,688
Hi.
461
00:16:51,739 --> 00:16:53,440
Gonna have to
take the detur.
462
00:16:53,474 --> 00:16:56,443
- The what?
- Oh, uh, detour.
463
00:16:56,477 --> 00:16:58,078
- I speak "chaw".
- Oh.
464
00:16:58,112 --> 00:16:59,746
How fur?
465
00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:02,949
I say about ten, derp
fitty odd merles.
466
00:17:02,983 --> 00:17:04,423
Is "derp" a unit
of measurement or?
467
00:17:04,452 --> 00:17:05,932
I didn't get that one.
I have no idea.
468
00:17:05,953 --> 00:17:07,003
Hey, that's a baby.
469
00:17:07,037 --> 00:17:08,705
Hey, unlock this here back door.
470
00:17:08,756 --> 00:17:09,839
Hey, baby!
471
00:17:09,874 --> 00:17:11,875
I'm gonna get yer nose,
baby!
472
00:17:11,926 --> 00:17:13,343
All right, let's take
the detour, take the detour!
473
00:17:13,377 --> 00:17:14,377
Let me see that baby's nose!
474
00:17:14,428 --> 00:17:16,796
Hey, come 'ere!
Oh, man.
475
00:17:16,830 --> 00:17:19,099
Man, that's a cute baby.
476
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,434
Babe, this map
is like an anthology
477
00:17:21,469 --> 00:17:23,553
to every single piece of gum
you've ever chewed.
478
00:17:24,104 --> 00:17:26,139
Look at that.
479
00:17:27,173 --> 00:17:29,175
Oh, got a signal.
480
00:17:31,595 --> 00:17:32,862
Okay, I lost my signal.
481
00:17:32,897 --> 00:17:34,981
Okay, where was that?
Where was that?
482
00:17:35,015 --> 00:17:37,700
Both: ♪ going to the snow,
going to the snow ♪
483
00:17:37,735 --> 00:17:40,653
♪ going to the snow,
going to the snow ♪
484
00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:43,206
♪ it's gonna be cold,
but that is totally cool ♪
485
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,573
♪ 'cause we are the Brinkleys
and we really frickin' rule ♪
486
00:17:47,411 --> 00:17:48,545
- Babe, that's really good.
- Thanks.
487
00:17:48,579 --> 00:17:50,380
Wait, there's a sign up there.
488
00:17:50,414 --> 00:17:51,866
What does it say?
489
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:56,533
Welcome to... Palm Desert.
490
00:17:57,922 --> 00:18:01,241
[Chuckles]
491
00:18:01,275 --> 00:18:04,608
Think I should put
the snow chains on, or?
492
00:18:05,146 --> 00:18:06,379
Yes.
493
00:18:08,682 --> 00:18:11,851
- Wow.
- [Laughs]
494
00:18:11,885 --> 00:18:15,218
We are such losers.
495
00:18:15,722 --> 00:18:17,907
[Door opens and closes]
496
00:18:17,942 --> 00:18:21,275
Ava, I was gonna give this
to you on Christmas,
497
00:18:21,662 --> 00:18:23,830
but I thought maybe
you could use it now.
498
00:18:23,864 --> 00:18:26,199
If it isn't a set of
hand-carved nesting dolls
499
00:18:26,233 --> 00:18:28,585
that ends in a cyanide tablet
then I don't want it.
500
00:18:29,319 --> 00:18:30,870
It's a bunch of stuff
about you
501
00:18:30,904 --> 00:18:34,237
that I've saved up
over the years.
502
00:18:35,342 --> 00:18:38,675
The ticket stub when I
first opened for Keith Sweat.
503
00:18:39,463 --> 00:18:41,681
The first time I was in
Stars Are Just Like Us.
504
00:18:41,715 --> 00:18:43,683
I was ripping up
a parking ticket.
505
00:18:45,307 --> 00:18:48,850
A review of the very first
Ava Show episode.
506
00:18:48,973 --> 00:18:51,307
They said they'd seen
far worse.
507
00:18:51,358 --> 00:18:52,642
Thanks, Modesto Bee.
508
00:18:52,693 --> 00:18:54,360
When you and my sister
became friends
509
00:18:54,395 --> 00:18:56,095
you were, like, the first
famous person I ever met...
510
00:18:56,113 --> 00:18:58,031
Other than the time I said
"Hey" to Eddie Rabbit
511
00:18:58,065 --> 00:18:59,983
- at Souplantation.
- Hmm.
512
00:19:00,034 --> 00:19:03,367
I guess I've just always
been rooting for you.
513
00:19:03,704 --> 00:19:05,405
I still am.
514
00:19:05,939 --> 00:19:08,741
You thoughtful
son of a bitch.
515
00:19:08,775 --> 00:19:11,494
[Phone rings]
516
00:19:11,545 --> 00:19:13,213
Oh.
517
00:19:13,247 --> 00:19:15,465
Hi, Regan.
How's my little snow bunny?
518
00:19:15,499 --> 00:19:17,300
Uh, we're on our way home.
519
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:19,219
Didn't quite make it
to the snow.
520
00:19:19,253 --> 00:19:21,170
Oh, I'm so sorry.
521
00:19:21,205 --> 00:19:22,622
Sometimes the destination
522
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,507
isn't as important
as the drive.
523
00:19:28,012 --> 00:19:30,796
I gotta go.
Thoughts.
524
00:19:30,814 --> 00:19:33,650
Thoughtful thoughts coming in.
Gotta go.
525
00:19:33,684 --> 00:19:36,903
O... kay.
526
00:19:36,937 --> 00:19:38,321
Definitely xanies.
527
00:19:38,355 --> 00:19:39,322
Yeah.
[Laughs]
528
00:19:39,356 --> 00:19:42,689
[Amy giggles]
529
00:19:42,860 --> 00:19:45,445
Welcome home, Brinkleys!
530
00:19:45,479 --> 00:19:46,529
- Ava, what are you doing?
- Thank you.
531
00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:47,830
- Please.
- What?
532
00:19:47,865 --> 00:19:49,699
Step right this way
into your home.
533
00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:51,200
- Honey?
- Please, follow me.
534
00:19:51,252 --> 00:19:52,702
Ava, we're really tired.
535
00:19:52,753 --> 00:19:55,121
Your Christmas gift awaits.
536
00:19:55,155 --> 00:19:57,090
- I give you snow.
- [Gasps]
537
00:19:57,124 --> 00:20:00,457
Oh, my gosh.
Look at that.
538
00:20:00,594 --> 00:20:03,129
Ava, this is amazing.
539
00:20:03,163 --> 00:20:05,465
Oh, my goodness.
540
00:20:05,499 --> 00:20:08,301
Come here,
look at the snow, honey.
541
00:20:08,335 --> 00:20:11,187
How did you...
542
00:20:11,221 --> 00:20:13,273
- Scott.
- Wow, honey.
543
00:20:13,307 --> 00:20:16,192
This is so extravagant.
544
00:20:16,226 --> 00:20:17,894
What happened to $25.
545
00:20:17,945 --> 00:20:20,613
Well, Scott reminded me
of my successes in the past
546
00:20:20,648 --> 00:20:22,148
so I'm betting
the future's gonna be bright.
547
00:20:22,182 --> 00:20:23,733
I haven't had a great year,
548
00:20:23,784 --> 00:20:25,652
but I have a trillion
more days ahead of me.
549
00:20:25,686 --> 00:20:27,070
I think they're gonna be good.
550
00:20:27,871 --> 00:20:29,038
They are.
551
00:20:29,073 --> 00:20:30,823
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
552
00:20:30,857 --> 00:20:33,543
Thank you so much.
553
00:20:33,577 --> 00:20:35,078
What do you think of the snow?
554
00:20:35,129 --> 00:20:36,713
Oh, y--oh, no!
555
00:20:36,747 --> 00:20:38,965
No!
[Laughs]
556
00:20:38,999 --> 00:20:40,083
I knew it.
557
00:20:40,134 --> 00:20:41,968
Isn't that cute?
Isn't that cute?
558
00:20:42,002 --> 00:20:44,070
[Ava laughing]
559
00:20:45,028 --> 00:20:49,328
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
560
00:20:55,701 --> 00:20:57,368
Look at you guys
and Amy in the snow.
561
00:20:57,370 --> 00:20:58,936
It'd be perfect
for your newsletter.
562
00:20:58,938 --> 00:21:02,207
No! No newsletter
this year. No.
563
00:21:02,209 --> 00:21:03,491
- That's really good.
- Whoa.
564
00:21:03,493 --> 00:21:05,243
I almost actually majored in
photog--
565
00:21:05,245 --> 00:21:06,878
That's great news.
566
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,779
Looks like the cover
of an upscale winter catalogue.
567
00:21:08,781 --> 00:21:10,615
I mean, tis the season
to be hotties.
568
00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:12,584
Look at my hair; It's,
like, perfectly mussed.
569
00:21:12,586 --> 00:21:14,369
It's like I took a romantic
snow nap or something.
570
00:21:14,371 --> 00:21:16,192
And my head
is the perfect size.
571
00:21:16,193 --> 00:21:18,592
I could be like a head model...
they have those?
572
00:21:18,593 --> 00:21:20,092
They're called models?
573
00:21:20,093 --> 00:21:22,092
- People need too see this
- I need to see it.
574
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,954
We have to overnight this
to our East Coast people.
575
00:21:23,956 --> 00:21:25,322
That would be money well spent.
576
00:21:25,324 --> 00:21:27,357
Agreed.