Wait. No, no. That way a little bit.
R-Right. Back this way... Good.
Okay, thank you. Perfect, perfect.
- Kevin, thank you. Thank you, Big John. - His name is Big Bob.
- You've been calling him Big John for ten years. - Really?
I got the big part right. Okay.
Family, where are you? Come on out from wherever
you are, I've got a surprise for you.
- Is it a puppy? - We got a puppy?
I love puppies.
Please don't be a puppy.
No, no. It' my chair from the TV show.
A puppy would have been better.
Ah, guys. I heard they were tearing down the See Dad Runset...
I-I had to go and get this thing.
Whoa, wait. You went and got it?
- Why are we laughing? - I'm not sure.
Yeah, neither am I.
I think they were laughing at your expense, David,
and that's why I didn't join in.
Come on, honey.
You have to admit, you're not exactly the do-It-Yourself type.
For the past ten years, your crew did everything for you.
You even had a guy you breathed on to check the freshness of your breath.
That was for kissing scenes, and now my uncle Frank
- is out of a job... You happy now? - Okay, okay.
Guys, do you understand what's happening here?
I don't think you appreciate the seriousness of the moment.
What's in this living room right now, everybody,
is a piece of American pop culture.
Mmhmm, and where exactly do you plan on keeping this piece
of... pop culture?
Right here in the living room, where everybody can see it.
- Right here? - Yeah.
- Where everyone can see it? - Cool.
Man, do you know how many punch lines that I wrote
that you delivered in this chair?
358 golden zingers.
That's right, and I would sit back, crack a classic joke,
and recline.
Sure, I'd like to drive three hours to spend the weekend
with my mother-in-law.
Not!
Katie, high school called.
They would like their snarky attitude back.
So I said, "I'm the man of the house, and what I say goes."
She's right behind me, isn't she?
Guys, let's not rub things at the same time.
It's a little weird.
Well, it, uh, doesn't really go with... anything.
But since it means so much to you, I will try to make it work.
Oh, honey, thank you so much.
Oh, come on, guys! Let's celebrate.
Line.
Wait for it.
Well, family, this is now
officially my second favorite seat in the house.
Rat!
No!
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Really? $1,000 for one rat?
This is a big house.
Those beady little eyes could be anywhere.
Never look into a rat's eye.
They're black and dead.
Like a doll's eye.
And by the look of these droppings,
this ain't no ordinary rat, no.
You got yourself a norwegian red.
That's a mean rat, and smart, too.
This chair may be clear, but where there's one,
there's surely more to follow.
You follow?
Guess we're going to need a bigger boat.
I don't follow.
Really? Jaws?
That's not what you're going for here?
Okay, uh, listen, I thank you for coming out,
but that's too much money, squint, really.
- All right! - Jeez.
I'll make it 500.
Just because me and big red, we've got a score to settle.
Yeah, I don't think so but I appreciate your time.
I really do.
♪ Farewell and adieu to you fair spanish ladies ♪
So did he catch him?
- No, he didn't. But guess who's gonna. - This guy.
Good one, dad.
David, honey, I appreciate what you're going for here,
but is this the best time to become a do-it-yourself guy?
Well, I know you guys are all laughing at this,
and it's funny to you, but I'm going to teach you that, when you have a problem,
you just don't throw money at it.
- You fix it. You do it yourself. - Hmm.
- Dad... - Yeah?
Even though I'm totally skeeved by rats,
they're still living, feeling creatures.
And as a member of H.A.T., I just want to make sure
you do this humanely.
H.A.T.?
Helping animals together.
- Animal rights group I joined at school? - Oh, yes.
Okay, I will take care of this... This rat humanely.
- Okay? - Thanks, dad.
Boy, so many groups and clubs and...
Hey dad? What did Emily mean by humanely?
Oh, she just didn't want it to suffer,
so I'm just going to snap its little rat neck and be done with it.
Ooh, when you do snap its little rat neck, can I see it?
Why would you want to see something like that, Janie?
My friend Charlotte's seen two dead things,
and I haven't seen any.
Well, we can't have that now, can we?
One dead rat, coming up.
Thanks, daddy.
Ooh!
- Hey! - That was pretty cool.
Okay, the traps are set on the yard and the patio.
Excellent.
What do you think?
Let me guess, you're the ex-Terminator.
- Yup. - Very good, Joe.
Why don't you go upstairs and check for rat droppings, okay?
Droppings?
Rat poop. They look like chocolate rice.
I love chocolate. And rice.
Yeah, that's not going to end well.
Okay.
Well, it looks like your little do-it-yourself project
is well underway, huh?
How much did all this set you back?
Nothing. 50 bucks.
Sorry, it was just the chair.
Kevin, I already put one under the Couch.
Oh, where?
Found it!
Look at that. See the sonar device?
What this does is it emits a high-frequency sound that only rats can hear.
And what it does is it drives them out of their hiding places.
Now, listen, listen.
- We got one! - Whoo!
Anything dead?
Just my toenail.
Come on, guys.
Charlotte's mom ran over a skunk.
Now she's seen three dead things.
Amateurs.
All right. Upstairs is clear.
And, Joe, so is your nose.
Shh, hey. Kitchen.
So, um, how's the, uh, how's the rat thing going?
What are you doing with my chair?
- Oh, this? - Yes.
Uh, oh, I was just trying to, uh, help you.
- Uh-huh. - Lure the rat in the chair,
back to its home, outside. - Okay.
Yeah, yeah. I'm going with that.
All right?
Yes! Got him.
- Boom. Dead. - Thank you.
You guys didn't think I could do it.
What to see it? It's really disgusting.
Oh, no, no. No thanks, I'm good.
I got to tell you something, honey, you know,
after being Treated like TV royalty for ten years,
and deservedly so, it's actually,
it's so nice to do something for myself, you know?
Hang on, I'm just going to call Kevin to get rid of this.
Hey dad, did you get the rat yet?
Hey. Got it all by myself, thank you.
- Oh, you already caught it? - Uh-huh.
Well, when I told H.A.T. you were going to do it humanely
and not just kill it, they gave me this
catch-and-release trap So you can set him free.
Oh, you meant, humanely catch and release him, and not,
humanely snap his little neck.
Dad, that would be awful.
Oh, that'd be horrible.
- Unspeakable. - Yes, so let's not.
Dad, since you're a celebrity, H.A.T. Asked if I could
- get a picture of you with... - Absolutely.
Wasn't finished. With the rat in the cage
to help raise awareness for an upcoming fundraiser.
I mean, America's number one dad next to that little Rat
would say, "rats matter."
They certainly do matter. Whoa.
- Uh-oh. - This guy's really active.
You know what, babe, why don't we just wait until he's a little calmer to take that picture, okay?
We don't want him running all over the place.
Just let me know when he's ready.
You got it. Okay.
Well, it looks like you're going to need a bigger boat
and a breathing rat, you follow?
♪ Farewell and adieu to you fair spanish ladies ♪
Thank you for interrupting my dinner.
Sorry, Marcus. I'm in a real pinch here.
Amy and Emily will be home any minute.
No, no, no, I mean thank you for interrupting my dinner.
My wife's big sister's in town.
When I say big, I don't mean older.
I mean big!
What did animal trainer Andy give us?
Okay, voila!
You have two choices.
All right, um, this is Sebastian.
He's $300.
- What? For a rat? - He has impressive credits.
CSI, JAG, all the Jackie Chan movies.
Do you know he can do a full-blown roundhouse kick?
Marcus, I just need to take a picture with it for Emily.
I don't need it to kick ass.
Okay, well you might want to go with Hank.
He's new in town, doing mostly theater.
Um, one thing about him, he's hard to work with.
He doesn't take direction very well.
He's $100.
$100.
You know, I've spent so much money on this whole thing already.
Um, okay, here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to borrow Hank.
I'm going to borrow him, okay?
I'm going to take the picture, and we're going to return him
back to animal trainer Andy, okay?
Here, put him in the cage. Okay, all right, mmHm.
There's no way on earth that these hands gonna touch a rat.
Marcus, do it. Put him in the cage.
Marcus, put him... You big baby.
I'll do it myself.
Kevin!
This is so great.
H.A.T. is going to love it.
Now I just need a picture of you...
Absolutely.
Wasn't finished.
Actually releasing the rat into the wild.
Yes. Of course you do.
But can someone else go with you to take it?
I have way too much to do for the fundraiser.
I'll go.
Well, yes. Of course you will.
Dad, you wanted me to learn to do things for myself.
So, I'm ready. I'm pumped.
Let's do this.
Okay, he's asleep.
And he's drooling. It's... it's okay.
Finally. We've been driving around for an hour.
Yeah, it never fails. I learned that little trick
on a much beloved episode, "Driving Miss Baby."
All right. Now all we have to do
is pretend to release that little rat into the wild
and he'll never know anything about it.
I wish I could release my wife and her sister into the wild.
Unfortunately, their natural habitat is the pie barn.
Hank, here's the scene.
You've been cornered, captured, and now you're given
a second chance.
Take a few tentative steps to freedom.
Then we take a picture and we're done, okay?
And...
action.
Come on, Hank. Action.
Go. Go, go, go, go. Go.
And... there's your mark right there.
And cut.
Good, Hank. Back in the cage.
No, no. Back in the cage, Hank.
Come on.
No, no. Not in the road, Hank.
- Not the road. - Hey, Hey, hey.
- He's on the freeway. - I said cut!
Don't do it, no-No-No...
Kevin. Kevin, it wasn't our fault.
Okay?
Animal trainer Andy was right.
Hank did not take direction well.
Do you have to say his name, David?
Come on.
Come on. You too, Marcus?
Really?
You guys are killing me. Quit it.
Hey, guys. Did I miss it?
Uh, yeah.
One second, he was here. The next second, he was gone.
Guys, you should have woke me up.
- Hey, can I see the picture? - Yeah.
Oh, he looks so happy.
It's like his whole life's in front of him.
In front of him? Trailing behind him.
All over the place.
All right, Joe. Good night.
How'd it go?
Well, it's a good thing he slept through it.
You guys didn't think I could kill one rat?
Well, apparently I can kill two.
You killed it?
Well, technically, it was a truck that took him.
Well, too bad that truck didn't take
the rat's former home with it, but...
that can be arranged.
Hey, that's my chair.
- Honey. - Wait a minute.
You put it on a celebrity auction site?
Honey, I have tried living with that beast,
but every time I look at it makes me so sad.
Wait a minute, Cosby's sweater went for two grand?
All I have to do is just press this little button
and, ding-Dong, the chair is gone.
- Hey, dad. - Yes?
- How'd the release go? - Oh, it was...
it was beautiful. We... we opened the cage,
and the little guy hit the road.
Well, you're never going to believe this.
I emailed Kevin's picture to H.A.T.,
and they want to honor you at our fundraiser.
Oh, my...
Oh, that's not necessary, Emily.
Are you kidding? You so deserve this.
I-I really don't.
Most people wouldn't think twice about killing a rat.
She got the twice part right.
And I even volunteered to have the fundraiser
right here at our house... Is that okay?
Eh, oh, hey. How can I say no?
How can I say no?
Yeah, you know what? Let's, uh,
let's do this. Rats matter.
- Yes, they do. - Okay.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, my gosh.
I should have hired the exterminator.
Oh, come on. Don't worry, David.
It wasn't your fault.
It was asphalt.
- Mm, dad? - Yeah?
I think the Burger's gone bad.
No, Joe. That's a tofu Burger.
It started out bad.
Your sister wanted vegetarian food here so just
choke it down with a smile, please.
Seriously, you guys didn't have to come here.
We came to pay our respects for Hank.
Kevin, I told you not to say his name.
It's too soon.
Can I have everybody's attention, please?
Welcome to our annual fundraiser.
First, I'd like to thank animals
for giving us a cause.
And Emily Hobbs for making today possible.
Emily?
It gives me great pleasure to introduce our honoree.
America's number one dad and an inspiration to us all.
- Especially me. - Thank you, Emily.
Wasn't finished.
You are a shining example for our cause, dad.
I have never been more proud to be your daughter.
So, hats off to you, David Hobbs.
Hats off to you.
The hats off to you.
Thank you, thank you.
Okay. Thank you.
Dad, say something.
Uh, no. I don't think so.
You always like to say something.
Not today, honey.
Speech, speech...
This is not going to end well.
Okay. Uh, yes.
Well, thank you.
Um, when Emily,
uh, asked me to do this,
I-I realized that I could save a rat's life
and help H.A.T.'s cause at the same time.
You know, this way I could kill two birds with one stone.
See, that is why actors need writers.
I guess that little guy told me that,
on the highway of life,
we all need to leave our mark.
He certainly left his.
So, folks, make your mark by Catching rats humanely, like me.
By using a sonar device, you can drive rats
out of their hiding places safely
into catch-and-release traps.
I may have forgotten to remove a trap.
Or four.
Dead rats everywhere!
Your friends are coming, Hank.
One, two, three.
Three and a half dead things. In your face, Charlotte.
Folks, did I mention that all the, uh, all the, you know,
the appetizers are vegetarian?
Also, I'll be putting the chair from my TV show
on a celebrity auction site and all the... all the proceeds
will be going to H.A.T.
Oh! Ah Ha ha!
Yes, yes, yes, yes! You and...
Oh, come on, people.
One of Cosby's sweaters sold for two grand.
So America's number one chair should bring in at least five.
Right?
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
A little to the right, to the right, okay.
And, stop.
- Surprise! - Oh!
Yes! Oh, my chair.
It's back.
I felt so guilty because I know how much you like it,
- so I bought it back. - Oh.
So, why don't you take a seat and watch the game with Marcus
and smoke a cigar.
Smoke?
In the house?
Just this once, okay?
I'm going to take the kids to a movie.
- Oh, Amy. - I love you.
Oh! Oh! Bless you.
Okay, go away.
Oh, look at this.
This crazy little woman even cut it for me.
Oh, she's all right.
Ahh.
Oh.
Marcus! Yes, perfect.
The chair is back, the game's about to start
and we can smoke in the house.
In the house?
Whoa.
The chair's on fire behind me, isn't it?
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