(June) ever since I moved to new york,
I've made an effort to be friendly...
Hello, sir. (chuckles) oh.
It's like we're dancing.
Move or I'll kick you in the clam!
But lately it's feeling a little one-sided.
New yorkers always seem to be in a rush.
They never even stop to get to know their neighbors.
Oh, hi, I'm June. I don't think that we've met--
Aah!
Gah!
Have a good day!
Perfect. A captive audience for my indiana charm.
Building, meet June.
Oh. Cookies. Fun.
Is it a coworker's birthday? (blows raspberry)
I'm bringing them to the tenants meeting.
I want to meet our neighbors.
Back in indiana, I was the best neighbor.
I used to feed people's cats and water plants, get mail.
Oh, so you were my grandma.
Turn down the judgment, judge juney.
I am also going to the tenants meeting.
Really? Yeah. I saw a new family moved in
And I want to introduce myself. I know how to be nice.
Hmm.
(gasps)
Oh. I guess it's always gonna be flour with you.
So the stoop handrails will be painted on Tuesday.
A reminder-- we do encourage doormats.
And the building trip to atlanta has been canceled
Due to lack of funds, not lack of interest.
No!
Okay, next order
Of the tenants association business
Is to welcome our new tenants, the pizzoli family.
(woman) hi.
Chloe? Uh, you don't...
Come to these things. What--wh--wh-what's going on?
Hi! My name is June, and I'm new here.
I'm so excited.
Where's the new family?
Hi there. I'm chloe. I live in apartment 23.
How old are you? 16? 17?
17 1/2.
Okay, well, um, according to megan's law,
I'm required to tell all families with a minor
That I live within a 500-foot radius
And I'm a registered sex offender.
(gasps) (man) what?
(tenants murmuring)
'sup?
I'm tony p., but my friends call me nut-nut.
Anthony, no!
(woman) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you
(whispers) ♪ she's a... (buzzer)
I mean, technically,
Yes, I had sex with an underage boy.
Ugh.
I was 18.
He was 17.
It was sweet. We held hands and passed notes,
Then we had sex in the back of his dad's delivery truck.
Anyway, his parents hated me,
So they prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
It's no big deal.
No big deal?
What about anthony pizzoli?
Who?
Nut-nut! The 17 year old down the hall!
I'm not into younger guys.
Curfews, body sprays, doodles of fighter jets...
(sighs) now the neighbors hate us. The neighbors hate us now.
You know who I hate?
Single moms. They make such a big deal about it.
Chloe was 2 1/2 months older than that boy.
She should have known that it was inappropriate.
You're acting very weird. Are you drunk?
On freedom!
Jennifer and I broke up!
She finally dumped me!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't be. I feel great. I'm free of all the rules.
Notice anything different about me?
I grew in my burns. Jennifer hated hair.
She also banned reggae music, fantasy football, and tank tops,
But no more!
(chuckles)
Hello, shoulders.
It's been a while since you've been out in the world.
We have a half-black president now.
I think he's doing a great job despite a very hostile congress.
(laughs) you're fun.
Jennifer was not fun.
Oh, you're invited to the brunch I'm throwing.
Brunch? That's your first single guy move?
Not strippers or golf?
Jennifer always made me spend sundays hiking with her cats.
But this Sunday, there are no rules!
You can have a mimosa or a coffee,
Watch the game or read the paper.
As long as you don't have to put sunscreen on a cat,
It's all good.
(chloe giggling)
(man moans)
I'm going to bed.
Can you at least hold off on the sex noises
Until I get my earplugs in?
Oh, you can't go in your room.
No, it's all good. We're done.
What? In my room?
Good night out.
Oh, f.Y.I.--I wore your pajama pants for a while.
(pounding on door)
(woman) jonathan, it's your girlfriend! Remember me?
I know you're in there with that whore!
Who's jonathan?
Um, me.
Oh, well, I'm really bad with names, so it's not my fault.
Chloe, this guy has a girlfriend.
So someone told me he's only with her because she's bipolar.
Yeah, I told you that.
Don't worry about it. I'll fix it.
I'm just gonna flash them the beek.
Hi.
Who the hell are you?
Bye.
(man) god knows what goes on in there.
(woman) look at those two sluts. I can't believe them.
Of course miss megan's law and her roommate are whores.
It's like a dutch brothel in there.
I'm going in.
Anthony, no!
Our neighbors hate me because of you!
I am a slut by association.
Are you even aware of your behavior?
I mean, have you ever in your life dated an appropriate guy?
♪
Look, I can't help it.
I have always been drawn to inappropriate men.
It's so fun though. I'm having a great time.
Oh, really? You think so?
Come on with me.
What--what are you doing?
I'm giving you my hand, ghost of christmas future-style.
Now come on. Just take it.
It's okay. I'll just follow you.
Fine. Just follow me.
(woman singing indistinctly)
Where are we? I can barely see.
A cougar bar called saddlebags.
Are those...
Yes, they are.
(woman) I can no longer get pregnant.
I can no longer get pregnant.
(woman) my c-section scars have faded completely.
(woman) I've had my I.U.D. In for 34 years.
(woman) I was an alternate on the 1976 u.S. Swim team.
(slurps loudly)
See how well I sucked that down?
Ugh.
Take a good, hard look,
Because if you don't change your ways...
Hey! You got change for the condom machine?
This will be your future.
(chloe) no. No.
These women are nothing like me.
I'm young and hot and amazing.
Oh, you don't think they were once, too?
Two words--
Janice dickinson.
(woman) change for the condom machine?
No! (women all speaking at once)
I don't want this to be my future, June!
Please help me!
Absolutely.
(woman) change!
(women shriek)
(woman) close that door!
They don't like the daylight because you can see
How their lip liner bleeds into their mouth wrinkles. (screaming)
You are going to love the farmer's market.
It's where I learned what kale was.
Oh, it seems like so long ago.
Day drinks.
I just downloaded an app that tracks bar patios
According to the angle of the sun,
So we have about 45 minutes before shade hits white horse.
Can't. June is taking me to a farm
To meet nice guys.
I have to tweet this plow joke I just thought of
And then I'm ready.
Wait. What's going on here?
Chloe is going to meet an appropriate guy
And settle down,
And she's gonna start going to sleep when it's dark outside
And paying her bills on time,
And my mailbox will no longer read
"June colberningsensation."
My last name is colbern.
Chloe with an appropriate guy?
Ha! That's not gonna happen.
Listen, you can lead a horse to water,
But you can't make her date some clean-cut doctor
From connecticut who plays tennis and has--
Stop. You're making June climax.
There's nothing wrong with a nice guy
With white shorts and hair like a ken doll.
Tell me this isn't happening.
You're great the way you are.
You're the best wingman I've ever had.
James, this isn't about you. This is about me,
Like everything.
Hmm. Well, why are you doing this?
You know she's the one who wrote that on your mailbox, right?
(door closes)
(elevator bell dings)
(man) whoo-hoo!
This is a coincidence. I'm not with them.
Are those mai tais and tiki torches?
Oh, my god. You guys are having a luau on the roof,
And we weren't invited.
What are you, a slut and a detective?
Hey, get a load of the slut detective.
(laughter)
You like prosciutto e mozzarella?
Anthony, no!
That's okay. It's fine.
We will be coming to your next party because I am fixing her.
We will go christmas caroling together.
♪ hark! How the bells, sweet silver bells ♪
♪ all seem to say, throw--
(indistinct conversations)
(woman) and two more!
That hat right there means he belongs to a yacht club.
Or he's bald and understands ebay.
Sorry. I'm trying. It's just so soul-sucking.
Come on. Just smile. How about this pear guy?
Let's listen to what he has to say. He might surprise you.
Okay.
These were driven in from virginia this morning.
Ripened on the tree, of course.
We specialize in asian pears.
This is a shinsui...
I have an unimpressive penis.
We'll have sex once a week in the missionary position
And then spoon until I have to pee.
And this is a daisu li--
Crisp, slightly tart,
With a nutty finish.
Okay. (giggles)
Chl-chloe!
Chloe!
Not him! He sells glow sticks from his bike!
At least put on a helmet!
He will! (bicycle bell dings)
(door bells jingle)
Oh, look who's here.
What is that? Is that your vitamin?
Mnh. Vitamin c for "careless."
Look, I know I screwed up yesterday,
But I want to start over.
Okay.
But we have to start all the way at square one.
First, you need to learn what an appropriate guy is.
Okay, he is single,
He has a job,
He is emotionally and physically available--
He has all his limbs. No, he doesn't have to have all of his limbs.
Oh. Just as long as he doesn't blame the world for losing them.
Oh, you guys talking about limbs?
Just working on getting mine in tip-top shape.
Yeah, jennifer hated muscles on a man.
She said they made me look like angela bassett.
Ah, chloe. Your stupid experience done yet?
'cause I need you to go to a party with me.
I tried luther as my wingman last night. Did not work.
(dance music playing)
Those earrings are terrible.
(slurps)
Don't look at me. I didn't make 'em.
I'm sorry. She can't go out tonight.
She and I are gonna sit at home
And set up her online dating profile.
We are?
Wow. That sounds like a really productive use of your time.
(blows raspberry)
(laughs)
That's what we do.
(keys clicking)
Do you have any photos
Where you're not cupping your breasts?
Ew. No. Why?
I'll go get my camera.
(knock on door)
Hey. I need to borrow a mixer.
I'm making biscuits for my brunch.
Borrow? You can just have it. It's June's anyway,
So I'll get it for you.
(computer chimes) thanks.
Oh. I think someone just winked at me.
Can you blame 'em?
Huh. I thought we were out of whiskey.
Angela bassett played tina turner in the movie.
That's what's happening here.
Want me to fight angela me? 'cause I will.
Mark, I've never seen this side of you before.
You've never seen a lot of things.
(gasps)
Holy crap.
June!
What's happening here?
My window got stuck,
And since everyone in the building hates us,
The landlord refuses to fix it.
I like to keep crackers next to my bed
Just in case I wake up queasy.
Who cares? Guess what.
I finally like an appropriate guy.
Mark! I'm totally attracted to mark.
Wait. Mark? My mark?
But you didn't know his name yesterday.
I know. But I just had a sex dream about him.
Sex dreams never lie.
Well, I mean, I-I guess-- I guess that could work.
I mean, he meets all the criteria.
He's cute, he's kind, he has a job.
I know. Don't eat that. Pigeons walked on that.
He's great, right? You did it.
No, we did it.
We did it. Yay! Yay!
Well, I'm gonna go take him down to pound town. Ah!
No! Baby steps. (hums) No!
Okay, so we have to tread carefully
Because mark's my boss and you're my roommate,
And things could get a little messy.
Right. But just for you, so it's okay.
Okay, chloe, enough of this nonsense.
Luther is not working out as my wingman.
♪
Hey, girl.
You like my friend over there?
James van der beek.
(singsongy) he likes you, too.
(normal voice) but I don't.
He is a guest judge on "project runway" in the morning.
He needs his beauty sleep or his face will be as big as a plate.
So get your purse and click-clack on out of here.
Click-clack. Click-clack.
(slurps)
(mouths words)
Sorry, james, chloe has changed.
She finally likes an appropriate guy.
Mark, the guy with the big hair from June's work.
No way. I don't buy it.
If she likes him, there's gotta be something wrong with him.
We just don't know what it is yet.
She only likes inappropriate guys.
Not anymore.
And we're going to see mark now
And chloe's going to interact with him
In a polite and nonsexual manner.
Whatever that means!
(door bells jingle)
Hi there.
You must be mark.
I'm chloe. Nice to meet you.
(muffled) yeah, we've met, like, 30 times.
(giggles)
Yes. (laughs loudly)
So, mark, you secretly married? Kids?
You ever kill a man outside of combat?
James, not now. I'm in a crisis, okay?
My friend martin and his wife just canceled on me for brunch.
Now I'm down to four people.
I mean, that's not brunch.
That's barely a casual breakfast.
It's a waste of everyone's time.
Ooh! Mark, chloe can come.
Yeah, I'll come, too.
I look forward to meeting your gay lover whose name is...
All right. Uh, back up to six!
(laughs) couldn't keep brunch down for long. Brunch!
(June and chloe laugh)
(whispers) chloe.
(normal voice) chloe, this is perfect.
You can tell mark you like him at a daytime chaperoned meal.
Oh, god. This is such hard work. When does the fun start?
When you get a ring on your finger, miss thing.
What? I swung too far.
Welcome, brunchers.
Come on in. Okay, we got kyle at the juice station,
That's tim watching football on mute
While he's listening to jazz.
The audio doesn't even match the visual and it's okay.
It's brunch! (chuckles)
Hey. We're not late, are we?
"we"?
Yeah, I just went
And picked up anthony from karate class.
Oh, okay.
It's, uh, supposed to be brunch for just six,
But sure. Whatever. You're famous.
Chloe, you remember anthony, right?
Look at him all sweaty in his karate gi.
Smooth and hairless.
(slurps)
Ah! You know, I finished every wii game I've ever started.
Yellow belt, huh? Weak.
(mark and chloe laugh)
So I realized the old woman I'd been partying with all night
Was really paul mccartney.
(laughs) so did you tell him
The green beans had been in your purse?
Of course not. My skirt was already ripped.
You know, anthony likes the beatles.
He can sing "norwegian wood."
How come everyone else has real silverware?
'cause I had place settings...
For six...
Anthony.
(whispering) time to let him know that you're interested.
Tell him you want to see his apartment
And get some one-on-one time.
Okay.
So, mark, this is a really nice room.
Are there any other nice rooms that I could see?
Yeah, sure. Um, the eggs are in the warming tray,
The grapefruit's been sugared. Let's do it.
I don't believe it.
Hot 17-year-old dude in a gi. Nothing.
Well, congratulations, June.
I've lost her.
Hmm.
Can I have another juice?
No. You've had three already.
So this is me in high school,
And that is actually this shirt.
Are those crackers?
Yeah, I keep them there in case I get queasy.
It was June's idea. She's really smart.
See, I have these weird dreams where I'm on a roller coaster...
I like June. I really like June.
I don't know it yet, but I like June.
We're friends and June probably doesn't like me,
So that's what's keeping me from seeing it.
But yeah, June.
Ohh.
That's why I was attracted to you.
What? You're emotionally unavailable.
You are an inappropriate guy.
Uh...
But just because
I have a deep urge to sleep with you doesn't mean I have to.
Nope. I'm walking away.
I guess I have changed. (giggles)
(sighs) sometimes you throw brunch,
And sometimes brunch throws you.
Oh, james.
Stop pouting.
You're just upset because you lost your wingman,
But this is gonna be better for chloe.
Better for chloe or for you?
You just don't want your neighbors
To think you're a slut. Why do you care so much anyway?
Do you even like them?
No.
But you like chloe? Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause she's spontaneous and charming.
And fun and unpredictable.
So why are you trying to change her?
(cell phone alert chimes)
(sighs)
I should've bought more croissants.
I mean, I stood there at the grocery store,
I had them in my hand, and I choked.
I choked.
Wait.
If mark is here, then who--
Anthony, no!
Who are you, my ma?
Oh, thank god.
Wait. Then who's in there?
'sup, chickens?
Arigato. Hey!
Yes! Sex with a stranger in another dude's bedroom!
Welcome back! I missed you so much.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't marry a farmer.
(laughs)
Where are my eggs?
What's go--who was that?
Um, tim? This brunch made me realize
That I still like inappropriate guys.
So it's not gonna work out with mark. I hope it's okay.
It is okay. I am so sorry for trying to change you
And make you into something that you're not.
Oh, my god. I love you, too.
Can't wait to see you. Love you 1,000%.
Okay. Bye-bye.
(beep)
Guess what.
Jennifer and I are back together!
That's great. Just don't let her change you.
I won't.
Okay, everybody out.
I need to shave and put on some sleeves.
Uh, we're gonna see if we can squeeze in a hike.
Cats can't walk themselves.
So let's go, bruce lee.
Come on. Let's go.
Well, I guess it's for the best
That it didn't work out with you and mark.
It just wasn't meant to be.
Yeah, and I got the sense
That he had a thing for somebody else.
Okay. Let's go.
I need you to come to a party with me right now.
I was supposed to go with luther, but he's killing me.
I know you think you're pretty,
But you're sean astin pretty, not van der beek pretty.
(indistinct conversations)
All right. Sorry, luther.
My wingman is back.
I'm tapping you out.
But we're making progress.
I found you a fixer-upper.
I'm circling her problem areas.
She's gonna go work on them and come back.
Luther, this girl is beautiful.
See what I'm talking about? Nothing pleases him.
Excuse me for striving for perfection... (marker thuds)
For you.
Luther, I'm--that's-- that's not... (sighs)
(luther) for you, james! For you!