sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com
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Oh, mama, I can't wait for you to see all the cute things
I got for Kim's baby shower.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I do not understand why you think baby showers are fun.
It's just a bunch of women sitting around,
ooh-ing and aah-ing about how cute
a pair of tiny socks are.
(Baby talk) But aren't they the cutest things in the world?
They keep their little toesies warm.
Oh, how far I've fallen.
Get over it, Cash.
I can't.
Back in Nashville, I was a quarterback.
I was known for throwing touchdowns.
And now I run into the hottest girl in my class
while I'm with my mom, carrying pink baby stuff.
I just feel so girly.
I need to do something manly, like, uh, like shavin'.
Unfortunately, I just shaved four days ago.
Oh, June, look what I got...
A baby carriage piñata.
'Cause nothing says "love"
like hitting a baby carriage with a stick.
It's so weird that you offered to throw Kim's shower.
Isn't it?
I could really use your help, June.
Oh, mom, please don't make me.
Sage is going to be filming the whole thing.
It's just too hard for me to be around him.
Because you got a crush on him,
even though he tells you he's gay?
What? No.
I don't have a crush on him.
It's just...
His hair.
Did you ever smell his hair?
It smells like... Like Europe
and... and marshmallows. (Chuckles)
- Yep, she has no interest in him at all. - Mnh-mnh.
Hello, everyone.
Okay, three, two, action.
Well, hello, party people. (Giggles)
Kim, do you have to tape everything?
Yes. I wanna record the entire shower experience
so that after the baby is born,
she can see how hard I worked.
And also, that way, if she misbehaves,
I can just play it back for her
and make her feel really guilty.
Why don't you have a shrink deliver the baby?
That way, you can cut out the middle man.
Ha.
(Sniffs)
Oh. Damn, she's right.
Hey, June.
Anything you wanna say to my baby sister?
Uh, well, I hope you love your big brother
as much as I do.
My big brother.
That's who I love...
I mean, I love other people, too.
Good-bye!
Did you pare down that guest list like I asked you to?
Yes, and you're welcome...
- I got it down to 250 people. - What?
I can't get 250 people in this little old house.
I hope they're all skinny.
Uh, it's Malibu, so they are. (Laughs)
And actually, I was thinking
that everybody might be a little bit more comfortable
at the ballroom at the Bel Pierre Hotel?
Well, I'm sure they would be,
but that would cost an arm and a leg.
Oh, okay. Well, then I have a friend
who can help us out with that.
His name... is Mr. Platinum card,
and he says to you...
(Clears throat)
(Nasal voice) "Go crazy, Reba. I have no maximum."
(Laughs)
There you go.
Oh, see? He likes you already.
Ohh.
All right. The Bel Pierre it is.
But you're still wearing that diaper hat.
(Reba) ? walkin' with my head high ?
♪ soakin' up the sunshine ♪
♪ la-la-la-la-la, life is sweet ♪
Ohh! Of all the fancy L.A. hotels,
this one is by far the best.
It has the most celebrity overdoses.
Well, that... that's definitely the vibe you want
- for a baby shower. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, Brooke.
- Kimmy. Hi. - Hey.
- Mwah. Mwah. - Mwah. Mwah.
Did you get that? Okay, good.
So, Brooke, this is Reba, my friend and shower hostess.
- Right. Reba from Tennessee. - Uh-huh.
I know someone from Tennessee.
She used to do my nails... Sue. Do you know her?
Yeah, we used to hunt buffalo together.
So, Brooke, what brings you over this way?
You know what? It was me, Reba. I called her.
I realized I was being unfair to you.
After the whole change-of-venue thing,
the event just got so huge
and you had nobody to help you out,
and then it occurred to me... Brooke. (Giggles)
(Lowered voice) What's with the leggy interloper?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this your mother?
Oh, she's so cute.
(Loudly) Hi. I'm Brooke.
(Loudly) Hi. I'm Lillie Mae.
I'm in the room.
Mama, why don't you go check on June and Cash?
(Normal voice) Use your indoor voice.
Oh, man. This is like the beginning of a dream I had.
Cash, this is the beginning of every dream you have.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
I'm sorry I complained so much
about having to help out with this baby shower.
Had no idea that I'd be showered with babes.
Hey. What's going on out here?
Cash is mesmerized.
It's the miss all-American teen pageant.
Well, of course.
Celebrating everything vacuous and superficial
in this great land our ancestors fought and died for.
Well, thank you, ancestors.
These are the 50 hottest girls in the country.
Not necessarily.
A much larger number of hot girls
live in the more populous states.
So proportionately, the sparser states like South Dakota...
Don't ruin this with math, June.
At the end of the day,
whoever has the most diaper pins wins a prize.
Oh, that's a very good idea, Reba.
- Okay. - Ahem.
Oh.
Brooke, are you okay?
8-foot storks made entirely of flowers.
What?
Wait. There's more.
We put one in each corner of the room
with large baskets hanging from their beaks
to hold the presents,
so they look like they're descending down from heaven.
(Squeals)
Or...
We could put a really nice table right over here at the entrance
for everybody to put their gifts on.
Okay, you know what?
I love both of those ideas...
Great.
Except for the one with the table.
So what were you thinking about for the menu?
Oh... 'Cause I was thinking for hors d'oeuvres,
we could do pigs in a blanket.
Now you're talkin'.
I know this chef who has a hot dog press,
and he can make any shape we want.
So I thought he could make the hot dogs
into the shape of a baby,
and then the bread could be a little blanket swaddling it.
Aw.
Wait a minute.
We're eatin' babies at a baby shower?
Oh, Reba, no.
Just hot dog babies.
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna run out to the car,
'cause I've got fabric swatches for the tablecloths.
Oh, great. Thank you, Brooke.
See? You guys just love each other.
Mm. Yeah.
Kim, are you sure you want me to do this baby shower?
Because I get the feeling you want Brooke to do it.
Reba, of course I want you to do it.
I need you.
Look, I mean, I know that you and Brooke
are sort of opposite ends of the spectrum. (Chuckles)
But together, there can be brilliance.
It's like she's real classy, and you're real down-to-earth, right?
But if you just move a little bit towards her end of the spectrum,
and then you just move all the rest of the way...
See? That's where the magic can happen.
Pennsylvania.
"Live free or die."
That's New Hampshire's motto.
And I don't blame you for stealing it.
It's a good one. (Laughs)
- Where have you been? - Oh!
You left for the ladies' room, like, a half-hour ago.
Oh, lord, I had so much fun. I wandered into a bat mitzvah.
It was crazy. I sat down on a chair.
Next thing I know, they're carrying me around the room.
(Laughs)
Hold on a second, grandma.
Florida.
You know, my sister threw up on me at a gator farm.
Oh, no.
True story!
I suck at making small talk about states.
What happened to your confidence?
Back in Nashville, you had no trouble talking to the ladies.
That's 'cause my wide receiver was my wingman.
Well, okay, then I'll be your wingman.
Listen up, Cash.
Girls this age think they need a protector.
You know, a hero. Just follow my lead.
Oh, lord! I'm about to faint!
(High-pitched voice) Aah! Help! Somebody help!
Grandma! It's not your time!
Oy vey.
(Thuds)
I've seen lots of zebras without tails.
Oh, well, you were at that hotel forever.
Did everything go okay?
Oh, it went fantastic.
And as long as this young man is taping me,
that's all I'm gonna say about it.
Oh, and here's my friend June again.
Right. We're friends. Nothing more than that.
Just friends. (Chuckles)
(Chuckles) Okay.
All right, Sage.
Why don't you put that camera down
let's take a little break. What do you say?
Sure. Like a five?
Ha. No, like a tomorrow.
(Snaps shut)
- Gotcha. - Yeah.
I'll walk you out, buddy.
Ugh. I tell you.
(Sighs) Thank God that camera is out of my face.
I was fixin' to clobber Sage with it over his head,
but June is so much in love with him.
And Kim... she has to document every little second
of this "journey" of hers.
I swear, I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if she didn't name that child "Kim's baby."
You know, I feel one of your rants coming on.
Let me refill.
Yeah.
So this dance on Friday is really dumb, right?
I mean, you're not going... Are you?
I don't know. I forgot there even was a dance.
(Chuckles) Stupid dance.
Could be fun to go.
Could be fun, I guess.
Just have to figure out who to go with.
Shame I can't go with you, but obviously, I can't.
You being gay. What would be the point, obviously?
So obviously, that's not going to happen.
Obviously.
Wait, are you asking if I wanna go with you?
Me? No. Why would I ask that? Duh. No.
Right. Well, I better run.
Yeah. Yeah, see ya.
(Exhales)
June, you're an idiot...
Obviously.
Oh, that Kim, she thinks she's so sophisticated.
- She's all money and no taste. - Mm.
That gal's dumber than a stick of butter.
Why am I insulting the butter?
Sorry, Mrs. Mackenzie, I forgot my camera.
All right.
Aw, man. I left it on "record," too.
Well... anything you wanna say before I go?
(Laughs nervously)
No, I-I think I've...
Said enough.
Okay, I don't want Kim to see all the hurtful things
I said about her.
Now let's just get in,
get the camera, and get out.
Okay. I can do this.
I just read a book on lock picking.
Why can't you read "Fifty Shades of Gray"
like every other old woman?
Well, I will, when you give it back to me.
This is gonna be tricky.
Well, how 'bout this?
Well, that could do it, too.
Okay.
Why don't you be on lookout, and I'll case the joint?
Look at you, breaking and entering.
You know, it's not often in the life of a parent
they can say they're proud of their kid
and really mean it.
This is one of those times.
- What do you say? - Thank you, mama.
Now I'm gonna stand guard here, right by this wine rack.
Aha. I got it.
Oh, well, then, smash it to the ground,
and get rid of the evidence.
I don't have to smash it on the ground,
all I have to do is delete the footage.
Okay, but now I'm not as proud of you as I was ten seconds ago.
Where is that "delete" button?
(Kim) What button?
Oh. Kim! Gotta go.
Mama.
What are you guys doing in here?
Reba, what are you deleting?
I, uh... well...
Wait a minute. Are you trying to hide something from me?
Kim, there's somethin' in this camera
I don't want you to see.
What is it?
(Exhales)
Some things were said in the heat of the moment,
and I'm afraid it'll hurt ya.
By whom?
It was actually...
Oh, my God.
It was Brooke, wasn't it?
I'm not saying it was Brooke. (Sighs)
You know what? I wanna see it.
Why? It'll just upset you...
And your baby.
You know what? You're right.
I am emoting for two these days.
And it's not like her opinion even really matters to me.
Yeah, why should it?
I mean, let's just delete the opinions,
so your little sweet baby'll never have to hear 'em.
You know what? Totally.
Go ahead, press delete.
We shall never speak of this again.
(Snaps shut) Done.
- There you go. - Hey, Reba...
Ohh. Why can't all my friends have your integrity?
Come here.
Yeah. I'm full of it.
Yep.
(Dishes clinking, indistinct conversations)
Well, you lying to Kim was one thing,
but you really topped yourself
when you threw Brooke under the bus.
I know. All this lying and pettiness.
I'm just as bad as all these other phonies.
Well, I for one refuse to take part in this kind of phoniness.
Excuse me. I have to go collapse in the hall.
Mom, I've got news. Big news.
I've decided to move on.
Oh, well, that's great.
From what?
Sage. The dance. All of it.
I mean, it's an impossible love.
I'm young. I'm single.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea...
Fish who aren't gay.
(Laughs) All righty.
Honey, you sure you're okay?
I'm better than okay. I'm great.
I'm back on the market.
What a lovely phrase.
Hi! (Ladies cheer)
Oh, my gosh. Hi, Matisse, Jasmine...
(Flatly) Brooke.
Sydney! Lydia, hi! (Chuckles)
How 'bout the storks?
Brooke did a great job, huh?
Oh! Ohh.
(Laughs) Oh, my God.
I didn't realize it was one of those ironic baby showers
where everything's funny because it's so tacky.
Ha ha.
(Laughs)
Okay. I think your blood sugar's a little low.
Let's get you something to eat. Oh.
Oh! Reba, look how cute those little sandwiches are.
You cut the crusts off.
Well, that was Brooke's idea.
I only like crusts. (Thuds)
Oh, lord! Here I go again!
Oh. Oh.
(Thud)
Somebody help!
Everybody stand back! Please, people, give me some room.
(Lowered voice) Now what?
(Lowered voice) Give me mouth-to-mouth.
What else you got?
Push on my chest.
What else you got?
Do something! She's gonna die!
My other wingman stayed on his feet.
- Oh, just help me up. - Okay.
(Coughing)
(Spits) (Girls gasp)
Oh. I was choking.
- I was choking, and this young man... - Uh...
Whom I've never met before, saved my life. (Chuckles)
Oh, he saved my life. He's a real hero.
Oh, God bless you.
I'm gonna leave you all my money.
Okay. Well, uh...
He's a hero!
Glad to... glad to be of service, ma'am.
You be careful with those mints.
They are... They're killers.
So, uh, who wants to go to the pool bar for a soda?
Sure. That sounds cool. Yeah?
North Dakota...I believe that is the "show-me" state.
Aw, Matisse. Cashmere burp cloths. Thank you.
I'm sure they'll be much more handy
than a 7-speed baby swing.
It was on your registry,
and it was 12-speed.
Oh, okay. Well, let's just take my newborn to a carnival,
and put her on the tilt-a-whirl.
Thank you.
(Kim) You got that down? That was Matisse, burp cloths.
(Lillie Mae) Great. I did. Matisse. I got that.
Brooke, she didn't mean it. She's emoting for two.
I don't know what I did.
And she clearly hates me.
Oh, "hate's" a very strong word.
I know what's going on here.
Someone is lying to Kim about me.
And I know exactly who it is.
(Exhales) Okay. It was...
It was Tiffany, right?!
I'm not saying it was Tiffany...
Yeah, well, Tiffany can say "good-bye" to those extensions.
Hold my gold.
Okay, wait, wait. Brooke. Brooke.
Brooke. Brooke. Brooke.
I know for a fact it wasn't Tiffany.
Just let me go talk to her.
I know I can fix it.
Here, take back your gold.
- Kim. - Yeah.
- We need to talk. - Oh. Okay.
There you go.
You know, I saw you chatting with Brooke.
Was she talking more trash about me?
Oh, no. Listen...
It wasn't Brooke who was bad-mouthing you on the camera.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I can't do this anymore. It was me.
What? No, no, no. It couldn't be you.
You're my only friend with integrity.
Apparently not.
If you had a problem with me, Reba,
why didn't you just tell me?
Because I was all frustrated about this shower,
and it was in the heat of the moment,
and... I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you see all these women?
They all say stuff about me behind my back all the time,
and that is what hurts my feelings.
Reba, what makes you different is that you're honest...
To my face. That's what I love about you.
Okay. I'm sorry. You're right.
I shouldn't have done it.
And I promise, from here on out,
I will be honest to your face.
Okay. Thank you.
And in exchange, I will be honest to your face.
Good. All right. (Laughs)
You mean you've been holding back?
Oh! (Laughs) You know, I can't tell you everything.
Sure you can. Go ahead.
Okay. Well, since we're better friends now,
I would say that sometimes,
you can be just a little bit preachy.
Okay. I'll be more aware of that.
Okay. (Laughs)
Oh, and you know what? You say "y'all" a lot.
And see, you don't have to do that, 'cause we're in America now.
Okeydokey. Duly noted.
Oh, and your corn bread... Not as moist as you think.
In fact, it's sort of just downright dry.
You know, the other day,
I fed it to the gulls on the beach,
and they coughed for the whole rest of the afternoon.
Oh, Reebs, doesn't it feel so good to be honest?
Ahh.
Hey, Mrs. Mackenzie.
Oh, hey. (Chuckles)
I brought you a copy of the shower video.
Oh, thanks, Sage. That's very sweet of you.
So is it true what you said on camera?
That June, you know... She likes me?
How did you see that? I erased that yesterday.
It had already uploaded to the cloud.
I don't know what that is, but it's not coming back down, is it?
Don't worry. I deleted what you said.
I would never want Kim to to get hurt.
(Exhales deeply) Good.
So... does June really feel that way?
If I answer that,
you have to answer something for me first.
Are you really gay, or has June been played by a boy
that doesn't realize how much pain he's caused her?
When you figure that one out,
you can come back and ask me that question again.
Okay?
Okay.
Good night.
Hey, mom.
I had a blast at that shower.
I've never loved America more.
I'm happy for you, honey.
Well, good night.
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com