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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪
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Wow, I'm so excited for Brian.
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Remember, kids--
if it's terrible,
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at the end, we all say, "You did it!"
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I can't believe we're
going to the theater
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the same day Chris drowned
a mouse in a puddle.
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I mean, don't we need a
day to clear our heads?
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Boy, this takes me back.
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You know, I was, uh...
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kind of one of those
theater kids in high school.
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♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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♪ He purified me
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♪ He purified you
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♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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Mrs. Andrews, I pooped in the pot again.
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I'm gonna need somebody to clean me up.
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(crying)
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It's really bad this time.
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Wow, what a turnout.
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Oh, hey, there's Glenn.
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Hey, guys.
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Hey, this is my date, Consuela.
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No, no, no.
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Okay, we're here as friends,
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but I'm gonna change your mind one day.
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(indistinct conversations)
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Oh, I'm so proud of Brian.
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It's hard to believe he's the same dog
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who barked at a
pineapple for four hours.
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Close your purse. I
can see your tampons.
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And why do you need six?
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What happens to you?
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There's the man of the hour.
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Hey, Brian, can you believe
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I found this blazer on
the side of the highway?
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Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.
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Big night, Brian. How you feeling?
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Well, a little nervous.
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I just want it to go well.
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Fingers crossed.
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Will there be an intermission?
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Because that will
determine whether or not
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I bring this empty Gatorade
bottle into the theater.
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TOM: This is unacceptable!
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Sorry, guys, I got to go.
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They didn't put masking tape
over a seat for Tom Tucker
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and he's in there pitching a fit.
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TOM: Do you know who I am?!
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I'm Tom Tucker, damn it!
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I make more in an hour
than you make in two hours!
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Oh, the play's about to start.
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Mom, am I going to fit in the seat
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or is this going to be like last time?
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This should tide you over for a while.
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I'll come back as soon as I can.
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She's not coming back, you know.
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How do you know that?
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'Cause she's my mom, too.
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Excuse me, that's my seat.
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We'll talk about this at home.
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(sighs): Let's see.
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Who's in this thing?
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Sad. Nobody.
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Sad. Sad. Nobody.
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Victor Garber?
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That's pretty good.
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How did he get Victor...?
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Oh, of course.
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Tonight it's Randall Evan Battincourt.
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God, I hate understudies.
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King Louis the Sixteenth
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has been sentenced to
death by guillotine.
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(cheering)
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The part of King Louis the Sixteenth
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will be played by Jean de Menard.
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(crowd groans)
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Relax, you're going to do great.
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(sighs)
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Nailed it.
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Well, as usual,
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this is gonna suck for one of us.
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Donna? It's Grant, your new husband.
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Hi, honey.
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I've got great news.
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What is it?
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First, where do we keep the good scotch?
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At your brother's house.
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(audience laughing, Peter laughing hard)
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I got an audition for the
hottest new play in town.
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This could really make my career
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and we can finally start our family.
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What's it called?
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A Passing Fancy.
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(audience gasps softly)
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(gasps) That's the name of this play.
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How did he do that? How did he do that?!
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Here, Donna.
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I got you your ten-year
anniversary present.
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Suntan lotion?
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But we live in the Northeast.
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That's right, we do.
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Unless we were moving to California.
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(gasps) He must've got the part.
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When he going to meet Evita?
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Not every play is Evita.
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Oh, no. I feel terrible.
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Why? Don't you want to go?
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No-- I got
you a parka.
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(laughing)
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Those two are never on the same page.
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Wait for the look...
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(audience laughing)
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And that's why it works.
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(crying)
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Donna, don't go!
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It's not too late. We can
still start our family.
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Don't you see?
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You already have a family.
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It's right there.
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(audience "oohs")
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Those won't keep you warm at night.
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Good-bye, Grant.
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It's funny, isn't it?
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All these years, I
was the passing fancy.
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(cheering)
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Get up, you jerk.
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(cheering)
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(cheering continues)
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Wow, that was amazing!
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I mean, usually, the
shows suck in this town.
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Like Moishe, the low-energy
Bar Mitzvah clown.
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Ooh, what's this?
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A quarter.
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I found it behind your ear earlier.
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All right, that's enough tricks for you.
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I'm going to go lie down on the coats.
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Hey, has anybody seen the review yet?
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No, we've been waiting for you.
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Thanks.
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Oh, here it is.
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"Here's hoping A Passing Fancy
is actually a staying fancy.
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"The highest praise goes
to playwright Brian Griffin
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"for his hilarious and insightful look
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"into modern relationships.
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"If you see only one play as an adult,
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I urge you to see this one."
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Hey, can you read that page
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with all the little
paragraphs about dead people?
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Those are hilarious.
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This is amazing, Brian. How do you feel?
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You're a hit!
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It's... overwhelming.
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This is all I've ever wanted, you know?
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For people to appreciate
and respect my writing.
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I want to write a play!
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(chuckles) Aw, that's cute, Stewie.
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Maybe someday.
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No, I'm going to write a play.
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I can do lots of things.
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I was the human resources
director for the Muppets.
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Mr. Beaker, it is my unfortunate task
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to inform you that your services
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will no longer be
required by this company.
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(unintelligible squeak)
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Well, if you must know,
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it's because we've
noticed large quantities
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of benzene, ephedrine
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and everyday Epsom
salt have gone missing.
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(unintelligible squeak)
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Oh, please.
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We both know those are the ingredients
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used to make crystal meth.
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And I've got a pretty good idea
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who you've been selling it to as well.
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Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,
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when you're done talking to your friend,
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I want to, uh, eh...
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I want to talk to you about that thing.
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Hey, what you doing?
190
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I was going to start
rehearsing my new play.
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Want to hear it?
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Oh, you actually wrote a little play.
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Aw, boy, I wish I could hang out,
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but it has just gotten so crazy.
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Really? I know, right?
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I mean, I'm not complaining, you know?
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But I just... I want my old life back.
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(jokingly growls)
199
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I'm just kidding, of course.
200
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I'm so grateful, you know?
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I mean, every performance is sold out
202
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and they just added a Wednesday matinee.
203
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It's great.
204
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I mean, there's only
one thing I'm not getting
205
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out of this experience.
206
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What's that? Sleep.
207
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(jokingly growls)
208
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:22,275
No, no, I'm so grateful, really.
209
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:24,177
It's just that I'm-I'm
so busy all the time.
210
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But it's great. It's all great.
211
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Well, do you think you
might have time to read it?
212
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(sighs) All right, all right.
213
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:29,766
But be patient, all right?
214
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I've got interviews and
appearances all week.
215
00:07:31,435 --> 00:07:32,635
I mean, they're squeezing
216
00:07:32,670 --> 00:07:34,031
every last drop they can out of me,
217
00:07:34,038 --> 00:07:35,572
like a bottle of ketchup.
218
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,992
Listen, we've been at
this for 15 minutes.
219
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,610
I don't think anything's coming out.
220
00:07:40,644 --> 00:07:42,245
I'm fine. I can keep going.
221
00:07:42,279 --> 00:07:43,696
I'm just really tired.
222
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,531
What if I stick my finger in your hole?
223
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:47,867
Eh, that only works
when I'm already close.
224
00:07:51,489 --> 00:07:53,556
The American play was dying.
225
00:07:53,591 --> 00:07:56,025
Have-have we brought
it back to life here?
226
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:58,595
I can't say that, but it has a pulse.
227
00:07:58,629 --> 00:08:00,697
You're such an amazing writer, Brian.
228
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,832
How do you do it? What's your process?
229
00:08:02,867 --> 00:08:05,685
Oh, God, Allison, how
do I even answer that?
230
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:08,488
Uh, I mean, what's a rainbow's process?
231
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:12,525
Two parts rain, one part sun,
one part childlike wonder.
232
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,993
What we do know, though,
233
00:08:14,028 --> 00:08:17,330
is that the end result
in both cases is joy.
234
00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:20,350
Wow.
235
00:08:20,384 --> 00:08:22,318
Wow, are you glad you left
the lighthouse now, Seamus?
236
00:08:22,353 --> 00:08:23,820
Oh, I think so, Seamus!
237
00:08:23,854 --> 00:08:25,872
Excuse me, I noticed
you were talking loud,
238
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,474
so that means you're smart.
239
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,409
But would you mind--
and I hate asking--
240
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:31,044
but would you mind signing this?
241
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,812
Is this guy giving
you a hard time, Brian?
242
00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:33,847
Nah, he's all right.
243
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:34,948
All right. Cool, cool.
244
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,249
How you doing, buddy?
245
00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:54,317
(Mozart's 29th Symphony
in A Major plays)
246
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(music builds)
247
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:31,371
(music ends)
248
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My God.
249
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,742
It's miraculous.
250
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,244
(bleep)
251
00:09:38,279 --> 00:09:39,963
Hey, Brian, can you read my play?
252
00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:41,164
(fart noise)
253
00:09:41,198 --> 00:09:43,316
Sorry, there was a fart
trapped in the play.
254
00:09:49,748 --> 00:09:51,182
Hey, Jasper, how are you?
255
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,183
Hey, Brian!
256
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,051
Congratulations on your new play.
257
00:09:54,086 --> 00:09:55,286
Oh, thanks.
258
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,821
What's wrong? You look awful.
259
00:09:56,855 --> 00:09:57,989
What happened?
260
00:09:58,023 --> 00:09:59,457
I read the play Stewie wrote.
261
00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:01,025
She writes plays now?
262
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,760
Yes, and it was brilliant.
263
00:10:02,794 --> 00:10:05,363
Jasper, I've never read
anything like it in my life.
264
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,915
It was insightful and
fresh and intelligent.
265
00:10:07,949 --> 00:10:09,850
It's like his play is mocking me.
266
00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:11,419
He wrote it in a night.
267
00:10:11,453 --> 00:10:14,572
Ugh, that's how I feel whenever
I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.
268
00:10:14,606 --> 00:10:16,540
God, everyone's on Bravo but me.
269
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:19,110
Anyhoo, have you told
him how good it is?
270
00:10:19,144 --> 00:10:20,344
No. I just read it.
271
00:10:20,362 --> 00:10:22,029
He gave it to me 'cause
he wanted my feedback.
272
00:10:22,064 --> 00:10:23,197
Okay, listen to me.
273
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,332
Tell Stewie it's awful, it's garbage.
274
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:26,834
Do whatever you have to do, Brian,
275
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,602
but never let him know he's got talent.
276
00:10:28,637 --> 00:10:29,704
Yeah, you're right.
277
00:10:29,738 --> 00:10:31,238
It won't be so hard.
278
00:10:31,273 --> 00:10:33,174
After all, I've certainly done worse.
279
00:10:33,208 --> 00:10:35,309
I replaced Peter's I Can't
Believe It's Not Butter
280
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,777
with real butter.
281
00:10:39,448 --> 00:10:42,349
Buh... wuh... suh... muh-wuh...
282
00:10:42,384 --> 00:10:45,119
I... I can't... I can't believe...
283
00:10:45,153 --> 00:10:46,954
Muh... wuh...
284
00:10:46,988 --> 00:10:48,255
(screaming)
285
00:10:48,306 --> 00:10:49,724
I don't know, Doctor.
286
00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:52,059
Looking back, I think it
may have been real butter.
287
00:10:52,094 --> 00:10:54,478
Your husband murdered three children.
288
00:10:57,799 --> 00:10:59,834
Oh, my God. Look at this.
289
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,402
Brian, get in here.
290
00:11:01,436 --> 00:11:02,436
What?
291
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,121
Your play has been nominated
292
00:11:04,156 --> 00:11:07,825
for a local Hoggy Award
for Best Creative Anything.
293
00:11:07,859 --> 00:11:09,243
Oh, that's great.
294
00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,679
Um, I'm gonna...
295
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:13,998
I'm going to go get some air.
296
00:11:15,617 --> 00:11:16,650
Look at that.
297
00:11:16,685 --> 00:11:18,052
Nominated for an award.
298
00:11:18,086 --> 00:11:19,637
What have you two done today?
299
00:11:19,671 --> 00:11:21,972
I found a lump under one of my balls.
300
00:11:22,007 --> 00:11:23,507
Okay, that's something.
301
00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:25,609
I ate three quarters of
an Entenmann's strudel.
302
00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:28,145
Youse are good kids.
303
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,735
Hey, so did you get a
chance to read my play?
304
00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:36,270
Uh... I did.
305
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,404
I did.
306
00:11:37,439 --> 00:11:38,506
Ooh, I'm so nervous.
307
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:39,807
What'd you think?
308
00:11:39,841 --> 00:11:41,325
Stewie, you and I are friends, right?
309
00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:42,309
Yeah, I mean, I know you
310
00:11:42,344 --> 00:11:43,477
through our mutual friend Greg,
311
00:11:43,512 --> 00:11:45,246
but sure, I'd say we're friends now.
312
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,530
Exactly. And-and as your friend,
313
00:11:46,565 --> 00:11:48,399
you'd want me to be
honest with you, right?
314
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:49,433
Totally.
315
00:11:49,468 --> 00:11:50,634
It wasn't good.
316
00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:51,969
Oh, no, really?
317
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,271
Oh, I worked so hard on it.
318
00:11:54,306 --> 00:11:57,341
Oh, I thought it was good. Aw.
319
00:11:57,375 --> 00:12:00,494
Oh, I know, I wanted
it to be good so much.
320
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:02,329
Oh, I am so bummed out right now.
321
00:12:02,364 --> 00:12:04,532
I-I... Now I don't even
know if I should submit it.
322
00:12:04,566 --> 00:12:06,200
Wha... Submit it?
323
00:12:06,234 --> 00:12:07,518
Yeah, I was planning to submit it
324
00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:09,019
to the Roundabout Theater
Company in New York.
325
00:12:09,054 --> 00:12:10,254
No! I mean...
326
00:12:10,288 --> 00:12:11,928
Oh, I mean, that-that
would be a bad idea.
327
00:12:11,957 --> 00:12:13,324
Definitely not.
328
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,626
No, no, they won't let
you down easy like I did.
329
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:18,329
New York can be pretty harsh,
especially to outsiders.
330
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,297
Hello, New York!
331
00:12:20,332 --> 00:12:22,216
(dragon screeching)
332
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,385
Ugh, maybe you're right.
I'll think about it.
333
00:12:24,419 --> 00:12:27,004
Anyway, can I have that
back? It's my only copy.
334
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:28,239
Your only copy?
335
00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:29,323
Yes.
336
00:12:29,357 --> 00:12:30,641
And thank you for being a good friend
337
00:12:30,675 --> 00:12:31,942
and telling me the truth, Brian.
338
00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:33,377
I know that was hard for you.
339
00:12:33,411 --> 00:12:35,679
And to show my appreciation
for reading my play,
340
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,515
I made you this.
341
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:40,084
Wow, "good dog."
342
00:12:40,118 --> 00:12:41,585
And it's official?
343
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:43,003
That's what it says, doesn't it?
344
00:12:43,038 --> 00:12:45,356
I wish my dad was alive to see this.
345
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:02,273
Hey.
346
00:13:02,307 --> 00:13:03,457
Who the hell are you?
347
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,426
I'm the guy Stewie
pays to watch him sleep.
348
00:13:05,460 --> 00:13:06,493
Who are you?
349
00:13:06,528 --> 00:13:08,095
I'm Brian. I live here.
350
00:13:08,129 --> 00:13:09,396
Oh.
351
00:13:09,447 --> 00:13:11,065
Do you mind if I take this script?
352
00:13:11,099 --> 00:13:12,333
Yeah, sure, whatever.
353
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,851
He just pays me to watch him sleep
354
00:13:13,885 --> 00:13:16,287
and rub this knife across
my face while I do it.
355
00:13:16,321 --> 00:13:17,988
Oh.
356
00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:19,740
Okay.
357
00:13:21,459 --> 00:13:23,244
Hey, how much does Stewie pay you?
358
00:13:23,295 --> 00:13:24,912
$4,800 a week.
359
00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:26,046
(bleep)
360
00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:27,264
Yeah.
361
00:13:30,902 --> 00:13:32,152
Hey, Brian.
362
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,220
Oh, hey, Stewie.
363
00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:34,588
Listen, have you seen my play?
364
00:13:34,623 --> 00:13:36,423
You know, Stewie, I have seen your play,
365
00:13:36,458 --> 00:13:38,893
and it is exhilarating to me.
366
00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:40,861
A child's play is one of
367
00:13:40,896 --> 00:13:42,580
the most beautiful things in the world.
368
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,548
Continue to play, little one.
369
00:13:44,583 --> 00:13:46,150
You're our future.
370
00:13:46,184 --> 00:13:47,952
What the (bleep) are you talking about?
371
00:13:47,986 --> 00:13:49,587
The play I wrote. Have you seen it?
372
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,472
Uh, I don't know. Let me call my lawyer.
373
00:13:51,506 --> 00:13:53,023
(chuckles) Hello. I'm
being cross-examined.
374
00:13:53,058 --> 00:13:55,159
No, I haven't... I haven't seen it.
375
00:13:55,193 --> 00:13:57,233
Really? 'Cause I had it
sitting right on my table...
376
00:13:57,262 --> 00:13:58,895
I said I haven't seen it, all right!
377
00:13:58,914 --> 00:14:00,648
And what does it matter?
It was terrible anyway!
378
00:14:00,682 --> 00:14:01,749
We've had this conversation!
379
00:14:01,783 --> 00:14:03,284
Do yourself a favor and move on!
380
00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:05,152
Well, that's interesting,
Brian, because I found this
381
00:14:05,186 --> 00:14:07,871
buried in the backyard
next to your soup bone.
382
00:14:07,906 --> 00:14:08,973
(gasps)
383
00:14:09,007 --> 00:14:10,040
Stewie, I...
384
00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:11,675
You tried to destroy it, didn't you?
385
00:14:11,710 --> 00:14:13,110
I knew my play was good.
386
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,412
Just like I knew your play
was a mediocre patchwork
387
00:14:15,447 --> 00:14:17,748
of hackneyed ideas and tired clichés.
388
00:14:17,782 --> 00:14:19,883
You have no idea how hard it was
389
00:14:19,918 --> 00:14:22,353
to sit in that theater with
all those braying hyenas.
390
00:14:22,387 --> 00:14:24,355
Couldn't you tell something was up
391
00:14:24,389 --> 00:14:26,624
when Chris and the fat
man could follow the plot?
392
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:29,860
I mean, it took Peter a year
to figure out Stuart Little.
393
00:14:30,895 --> 00:14:32,229
I just figured it out.
394
00:14:32,264 --> 00:14:33,430
"Stuart" means "mouse."
395
00:14:33,465 --> 00:14:35,532
No, Peter.
396
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,401
"Little" means "mouse"?
397
00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:38,602
No, Peter.
398
00:14:38,637 --> 00:14:41,939
I feel so old and in the way.
399
00:14:41,973 --> 00:14:43,290
It's still a good play!
400
00:14:43,325 --> 00:14:44,892
It's filled with
terrible double entendres,
401
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,560
puns and stolen bits.
402
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,195
There's a line in there from Seinfeld!
403
00:14:48,229 --> 00:14:49,830
I never saw that episode!
404
00:14:49,864 --> 00:14:50,931
I have a voice.
405
00:14:50,966 --> 00:14:51,999
Do you understand that?
406
00:14:52,033 --> 00:14:53,801
A writer needs a voice, and I have one.
407
00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:55,235
You don't.
408
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,755
Your play panders to the lowest
common denominator, Brian.
409
00:14:57,789 --> 00:14:59,790
And it doesn't even do that well.
410
00:14:59,824 --> 00:15:00,524
Shut up!
411
00:15:00,558 --> 00:15:01,892
May every person
412
00:15:01,926 --> 00:15:03,761
that laughs at your sophomoric effort
413
00:15:03,795 --> 00:15:05,929
be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity
414
00:15:05,963 --> 00:15:09,049
and pierce your heart like a knife.
415
00:15:15,090 --> 00:15:16,724
(squirrel chittering)
416
00:15:17,926 --> 00:15:19,293
Come here, you bastard!
417
00:15:19,327 --> 00:15:22,129
(barking)
418
00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:23,180
You stink!
419
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,515
And your play stinks!
420
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,517
This ain't about me, is it?
421
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,887
(sobbing)
422
00:15:29,921 --> 00:15:32,122
No.
423
00:15:32,157 --> 00:15:34,358
And I'm sorry...
424
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,294
but nobody can ever know that.
425
00:15:37,329 --> 00:15:39,246
(bone cracking)
426
00:15:42,584 --> 00:15:44,518
Donna? It's Grant, your new husband!
427
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:45,552
Hi, honey.
428
00:15:45,587 --> 00:15:46,937
I've got great news.
429
00:15:46,971 --> 00:15:47,971
What is it?
430
00:15:48,006 --> 00:15:49,873
First, where do we keep the good scotch?
431
00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:51,408
At your brother's house.
432
00:15:51,443 --> 00:15:54,044
(audience laughing, Peter laughing hard)
433
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,113
PETER: Lois, can I
have my birthday here?
434
00:15:56,147 --> 00:15:57,898
Seems to be going well.
435
00:15:57,932 --> 00:15:59,083
What do you want?
436
00:15:59,117 --> 00:16:00,734
Wanted to share a bit of good news.
437
00:16:00,769 --> 00:16:02,503
I just found out that my play
438
00:16:02,537 --> 00:16:04,505
is going to be produced on Broadway.
439
00:16:04,539 --> 00:16:05,906
What?
440
00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:08,876
And I'm taking Randall
Evan Battincourt with me.
441
00:16:08,910 --> 00:16:10,277
Hi, Stewie. I'll be right there.
442
00:16:10,311 --> 00:16:12,079
I just got to finish this crap.
443
00:16:18,371 --> 00:16:20,088
Hey, I need you to take me to New York
444
00:16:20,122 --> 00:16:21,773
for the opening night of my play.
445
00:16:21,807 --> 00:16:22,858
(scoffs) No way.
446
00:16:22,892 --> 00:16:24,576
Besides, I checked, and there's no play
447
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,444
by Stewie Griffin opening in New York.
448
00:16:26,479 --> 00:16:27,759
I submitted it under a pseudonym.
449
00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:30,015
They think it was
written by Tony Dovolani.
450
00:16:30,049 --> 00:16:32,617
I thought your pseudonym was
Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower.
451
00:16:32,652 --> 00:16:34,653
That's my dodge ball pseudonym.
452
00:16:34,687 --> 00:16:36,021
Look, if you won't take me,
453
00:16:36,055 --> 00:16:38,175
I'm sure the New York Theater
League would send a car.
454
00:16:38,191 --> 00:16:39,858
New York Theater League? Why?
455
00:16:39,892 --> 00:16:42,060
Because they're throwing a
welcome dinner in my honor.
456
00:16:42,094 --> 00:16:43,161
Really?
457
00:16:43,196 --> 00:16:45,130
Well, I guess I could clear my schedule.
458
00:16:45,164 --> 00:16:46,698
Oh, you won't regret it, Brian.
459
00:16:46,732 --> 00:16:49,768
All the most important
Broadway people will be there.
460
00:16:49,802 --> 00:16:52,637
Playwrights, money men,
even Stanley Kowalski.
461
00:16:52,672 --> 00:16:53,805
Hi. I'm Michael.
462
00:16:53,839 --> 00:16:56,224
Michael!
463
00:16:56,259 --> 00:16:58,476
Michael!
464
00:16:58,511 --> 00:17:00,512
Um, and this is my wife, Nancy.
465
00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:02,630
Nancy!
466
00:17:02,648 --> 00:17:05,500
Nancy!
467
00:17:05,535 --> 00:17:08,937
And this is our Uzbekistani
friend, Bokyavroychesku.
468
00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:10,105
Hi.
469
00:17:17,376 --> 00:17:19,380
Stewie, don't you think you're
overdoing it with that outfit.
470
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:21,855
I don't wear anything I can't
take off with a flourish.
471
00:17:25,243 --> 00:17:26,943
Wow, this is amazing.
472
00:17:26,978 --> 00:17:28,745
Every major playwright is here.
473
00:17:28,779 --> 00:17:30,881
Yes, and it seems to be
quite a successful party.
474
00:17:30,915 --> 00:17:33,183
Several of them have
already committed suicide.
475
00:17:33,217 --> 00:17:34,284
Great party.
476
00:17:34,302 --> 00:17:35,635
Totally!
477
00:17:36,687 --> 00:17:37,721
MAN: Hey, Tony.
478
00:17:37,755 --> 00:17:39,423
Oh, my God, that's David Mamet.
479
00:17:39,457 --> 00:17:40,657
There's the man of the evening.
480
00:17:40,675 --> 00:17:43,393
I read your play, An American Marriage.
481
00:17:43,428 --> 00:17:46,379
It was incredibly raw. I
was pretty damn impressed.
482
00:17:46,414 --> 00:17:47,447
Oh, thank you, David.
483
00:17:47,482 --> 00:17:49,533
David, this is Brian. Brian, David.
484
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:50,517
Oh, it's an honor.
485
00:17:50,551 --> 00:17:51,818
Listen, I just want to say
486
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,653
what an inspiration
Glengarry Glen Ross was to me
487
00:17:53,688 --> 00:17:55,122
when I was writing my own play.
488
00:17:55,156 --> 00:17:56,373
Easy.
489
00:17:56,407 --> 00:17:57,741
Is that Tony Dovolani?
490
00:17:57,775 --> 00:17:59,276
Hello. Alan Bennett.
491
00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:00,811
Fantastic play.
492
00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:02,479
And I'm Yasmina Reza.
493
00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:04,181
Oh, are you his night nurse?
494
00:18:04,215 --> 00:18:05,715
No, I'm a playwright.
495
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:07,384
I wrote Art and God of Carnage.
496
00:18:07,418 --> 00:18:08,752
I won a Pulitzer.
497
00:18:08,786 --> 00:18:11,188
You want to say your
grade point average, too?
498
00:18:11,222 --> 00:18:13,290
Boy, it's just so weird to be in a room
499
00:18:13,324 --> 00:18:15,492
where every single person
in the room is a playwright.
500
00:18:15,526 --> 00:18:16,993
Every single one of us.
501
00:18:17,028 --> 00:18:18,128
Everyone.
502
00:18:18,162 --> 00:18:19,613
Including me.
503
00:18:19,647 --> 00:18:21,214
I'm a playwright.
504
00:18:21,249 --> 00:18:23,083
Brian, my God, take it down a notch.
505
00:18:23,117 --> 00:18:24,785
You're a playwright? In New York?
506
00:18:24,819 --> 00:18:26,453
Well, Quahog, Rhode Island.
507
00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:27,971
You're kidding.
508
00:18:28,005 --> 00:18:29,706
We just went and saw a play
in Quahog, Rhode Island.
509
00:18:29,740 --> 00:18:30,907
Really?
510
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:33,343
Have you ever heard of A Passing Fancy?
511
00:18:33,361 --> 00:18:34,394
I have!
512
00:18:34,445 --> 00:18:36,880
Oh, my God, what a load of rubbish.
513
00:18:36,914 --> 00:18:37,914
(chuckles)
514
00:18:37,949 --> 00:18:39,249
We have this thing where we go
515
00:18:39,283 --> 00:18:40,750
to the worst regional
theater we can find
516
00:18:40,785 --> 00:18:42,652
and laugh ourselves sick.
517
00:18:42,687 --> 00:18:45,188
And this one took the grand prize.
518
00:18:45,206 --> 00:18:47,207
(laughing)
519
00:18:47,241 --> 00:18:48,325
Really?
520
00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:50,827
I-I had heard only good things.
521
00:18:50,862 --> 00:18:54,197
It was a (bleep) piece
of (bleep) on a (bleep)!
522
00:18:54,232 --> 00:18:55,465
(laughing)
523
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:56,550
Oh, my God.
524
00:18:56,584 --> 00:18:59,436
I got to hear David
Mamet curse in person.
525
00:19:09,447 --> 00:19:11,231
Oh, there you are.
526
00:19:11,265 --> 00:19:13,867
That was the worst night of my life.
527
00:19:13,901 --> 00:19:16,102
It's not like you were
the only fat guy in there.
528
00:19:16,137 --> 00:19:17,153
What?
529
00:19:17,188 --> 00:19:19,055
Oh, this is about the play. Sorry.
530
00:19:19,090 --> 00:19:22,592
I was so happy until I
read your play, Stewie.
531
00:19:22,627 --> 00:19:25,795
I finally had some kind
of success as a writer.
532
00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:27,631
It wasn't big, but it was mine.
533
00:19:27,665 --> 00:19:29,933
I was fine being an okay writer,
534
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:33,036
until I discovered I was living
in a house with a brilliant one.
535
00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:35,405
I know we don't talk
about doggy years a lot,
536
00:19:35,439 --> 00:19:37,741
but I-I just wish you could have waited
537
00:19:37,775 --> 00:19:41,177
to find out how talented
you were until I was gone.
538
00:19:41,212 --> 00:19:43,480
By the time I'm dead,
you won't even be ten.
539
00:19:43,514 --> 00:19:45,615
You'll have 70 more years to be great.
540
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:49,753
I just wish I could
have had five to be good.
541
00:19:49,787 --> 00:19:51,588
There's your voice, Brian.
542
00:19:51,622 --> 00:19:53,957
It's a depressing voice, but it's yours.
543
00:19:53,991 --> 00:19:55,358
Write from that.
544
00:19:55,393 --> 00:19:57,260
Listen, me and the other playwrights
545
00:19:57,295 --> 00:19:58,495
are going out to have drinks
546
00:19:58,529 --> 00:20:00,146
with Woody Allen and his daughter-wife.
547
00:20:00,181 --> 00:20:01,331
You want to come?
548
00:20:01,365 --> 00:20:02,532
All right.
549
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:05,502
We can just sit here for a while.
550
00:20:07,538 --> 00:20:11,341
They talked a lot more crap
about you after you left.
551
00:20:17,815 --> 00:20:20,500
Oh, God, that was just
terrible. Terrible.
552
00:20:20,551 --> 00:20:22,235
I don't understand.
553
00:20:22,270 --> 00:20:24,337
Stewie, what happened
to the play you wrote?
554
00:20:24,372 --> 00:20:25,705
That was terrible.
555
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:26,980
Well, I gave it a final polish..
556
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,208
Changed a few things.
557
00:20:28,242 --> 00:20:30,143
Guess I kind of mucked
the whole thing up.
558
00:20:30,177 --> 00:20:32,279
But how? You...
559
00:20:32,313 --> 00:20:33,280
Wait
560
00:20:33,314 --> 00:20:35,849
Did you do that... for me?
561
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,584
What are you talking
about? I'm a young writer.
562
00:20:37,618 --> 00:20:39,452
I just wasn't as ready
as I thought I was.
563
00:20:39,487 --> 00:20:41,955
Maybe in a couple of years, who knows?
564
00:20:41,989 --> 00:20:44,090
Stewie, you shouldn't have done that.
565
00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:46,760
But... thanks.
566
00:20:46,794 --> 00:20:48,528
No problem, Brian.
567
00:20:48,562 --> 00:20:50,036
Hey, what do you say we head back home?
568
00:20:50,061 --> 00:20:50,997
That sounds good.
569
00:20:51,496 --> 00:20:54,115
You know, I'm going to move to
New York City when I'm older,
570
00:20:54,149 --> 00:20:55,583
'cause it's twinkly and big
571
00:20:55,617 --> 00:20:57,034
and this is where dreams come true,
572
00:20:57,085 --> 00:20:59,036
and that giant bird's
coming for us, isn't he?