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Previously on Californication...
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You're amazing.
A goddess.
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You deserve the white dress
and the happy ending.
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I'm just not the guy to give it to you.
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This man's a monster.
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He likes to fuck women in the ass,
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and then tell them that he just
wants to keep it casual.
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Guys, it's really nice
to be fought over, but--
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Oh, my God! This is never
going anywhere, is it?
10
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What?
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You're never going to be able
to commit to another woman.
12
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Congratulations, Karen.
I don't know how you did it, but--
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What?
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I will love you till the end of time.
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But I can no longer be your husband.
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It's such a fucking relief.
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Now what?
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You stay here, stand still,
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don't move.
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Here, tonight, have dinner with me.
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God damn it,
the truth just sounds better.
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[Screams]
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Oof!
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Just, come on,
tell me "I love you."
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Just one time, tell me.
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Just come home.
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- I saw that!
- Ho! Jesus.
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Oh, I think it's the pills.
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What pills?
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I probably shouldn't be drinking.
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I started taking these antidepressants.
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How many of these did you take?
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No more than you did.
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What did--
what did you do?
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Carrie, what did you do?
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Only what you made me.
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Tell me you love me.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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[Johnny Thunder's You Can't
Put Your Arms Around A Memory]
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♪ Feel so cold all alone
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♪ 'cause, baby, you're not at home ♪
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♪ and when I'm home
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♪ big deal, I'm still alone
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♪ you can't put your arms
around a memory ♪
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♪ you can't put your arms
around a memory ♪
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♪ you can't put your arms
around a memory ♪
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♪ don't try...
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- Hello.
- Hey.
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Can I get you a drink?
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Um, I think that's my line.
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Ah. Hank.
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- And?
- And...
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- It's nice to meet me?
- Um...
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I'm not sure,
but I think this is the part
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where you tell me your name.
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Why would I do that?
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Because that's what we
do in polite society, lady.
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That's what separates us
from the monkeys.
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And people from Long Island.
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- Karen, Karen, Karen.
- Why are you doing that?
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It's just so not what I expected.
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What? What did you expect?
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Something more exotic.
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I mean, you seem like a Sasha.
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Or a--or a Pasha.
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- Pasha?
- Definitely an "Asha" of some sort.
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I'm sorry to disappoint.
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I'm not disappointed.
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I mean, if I was any more excited,
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my enormous man-sized diaper
would be soaking wet.
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And that would be embarrassing.
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- That's disgusting.
- Yet endearing.
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Not really.
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Refill?
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How are you feeling, Hank?
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Because I'm starting
to feel really fucking groovy.
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What did you do?
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Only what you made me...
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[Echoing] Tell me you love me.
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Hello again.
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I love you.
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I'm gonna let some light in.
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Hey, tell me...
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- What do you remember?
- Hmm?
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I remember everything...
Karen.
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No.
About that night.
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- Oh.
- You never...
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You didn't show up for dinner.
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I kept calling you.
You didn't pick up.
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I got worried,
so I drove up to Charlie's.
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And when I arrived, the door was open.
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And that's--
that's where I found you.
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And her.
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- Carrie?
- Yeah.
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I didn't fuck her, Karen.
I swear.
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It so doesn't matter.
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It so does matter.
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She made me a drink.
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A really strong drink.
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Apparently.
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Am I gonna be okay?
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You've been in and out
for a couple of days now.
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But the doctors...
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they think you're gonna be fine.
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Well, too bad for you.
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What about her?
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[Steady mechanical breathing]
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Hank?
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You don't remember me, do you?
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We had dinner once.
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You're her friend.
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Melissa, right?
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Sarah.
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Sarah.
Apologies.
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- [Stammers] Sorry.
- No worries.
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We're all interchangeable,
right, us ladies?
117
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No, that's--
that's not me.
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I-I don't think that way.
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Uh-huh.
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How is she?
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Well, uh...
[Clears throat]
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She's been on life support
since she got here.
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No signs of improvement.
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No signs of anything really.
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She's gone.
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We're just waiting for
the parents to pull the plug.
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See, unlike you,
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they're having a really
hard time letting her go.
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She loved you, Hank.
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Despite all the evidence
to the contrary,
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she thought you were the one.
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No matter how many times I told her
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to let you go or just walk away,
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she wouldn't do it.
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[Sniffles] I just wish
you would have let her down
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a little easier.
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A little sooner.
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[Whimpers]
139
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How dare you!
140
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Get the fuck out of here!
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Or do you want to wait
till the parents come here?
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Because they'll be here any minute.
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- Sweetie, are you okay?
- No, no, no.
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Just leave me alone.
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[Edgy rock music]
146
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Slow down, buddy.
147
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- You're approaching blotto.
- Thank goodness.
148
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You know what that means.
149
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Next stop, blackout station.
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I could have gotten there a lot sooner,
151
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but who's the squishy little pussy fart
152
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who wouldn't go buy drugs with me?
153
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Just wanted to get you out of the house.
154
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Blow the stink off.
155
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[Sniffs]
156
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I like my stink.
157
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It's like obsession for dirt bags.
158
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So I have an offer for you!
159
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Not even a smile?
You always laugh when I do that.
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I don't feel very much
like laughing these days.
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Or working, for that matter.
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The very thought
makes my asshole quiver.
163
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No, actually, more like a throb.
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Have you ever had
a throbbing asshole, Charlie?
165
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- I have.
- I bet.
166
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You've been home a week, Hank.
167
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You're lucky to be alive.
168
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,173
You're just sitting around
pulverizing your liver.
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Yeah, that.
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And I'm contemplating a new novel!
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That's great!
Really?
172
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Yeah, it's about
a miserable piece of shit
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who drinks himself to death.
174
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I'm in the research phase.
175
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You got to get past this, man.
176
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You got to forgive yourself.
177
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I don't got to do nothing
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but stay black and die,
[falsetto] motherfucker.
179
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It wasn't your fault.
180
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She was fucking looney tunes!
181
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She tried to kill you, Hank.
182
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Ow!
183
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Fuck!
184
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What did you do that for?
185
00:07:39,339 --> 00:07:40,906
You can't talk about her like that.
186
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:42,508
Some crazy bitch tries to kill you,
187
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you defend her honor.
188
00:07:43,877 --> 00:07:45,377
Your best friend tries to help you,
189
00:07:45,412 --> 00:07:46,979
you punch him in the face.
190
00:07:47,013 --> 00:07:48,447
You're a real fucking asshole,
you know that?
191
00:07:48,481 --> 00:07:49,982
That sounds about right.
192
00:07:52,152 --> 00:07:55,821
[Coughs]
193
00:07:57,891 --> 00:08:00,159
What do you see us becoming, eventually?
194
00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:02,394
Look, you're amazing, okay?
195
00:08:02,429 --> 00:08:03,996
Uh, I just, um...
196
00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:06,832
[Mutters, squawks]
Come on, just out with it.
197
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- Just say it.
- Excuse me?
198
00:08:08,835 --> 00:08:10,235
You're excused, Nancy.
199
00:08:10,270 --> 00:08:11,970
But just--
just rip the band-aid off.
200
00:08:12,005 --> 00:08:13,338
It's the only decent thing to do.
201
00:08:13,373 --> 00:08:15,307
Thanks. Thanks
for the advice, old-timer.
202
00:08:15,341 --> 00:08:16,708
Oh, hey, I may be old.
203
00:08:16,743 --> 00:08:18,210
But I'm not such a geezer
204
00:08:18,244 --> 00:08:20,412
that I can't dick-slap the shit
out of you.
205
00:08:20,447 --> 00:08:22,081
My father used to always say that to me.
206
00:08:22,115 --> 00:08:24,383
- Oh, good old dad.
- Yeah, he's right.
207
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:25,684
If you're gonna break up
with me, just do it.
208
00:08:25,718 --> 00:08:27,319
You go, girl.
209
00:08:27,353 --> 00:08:28,854
That's not what I'm doing.
210
00:08:28,888 --> 00:08:30,489
No, what you're doing
is wasting my time.
211
00:08:30,523 --> 00:08:32,024
If you aren't serious about me,
about us,
212
00:08:32,058 --> 00:08:35,027
- then I need to know.
- Need to know!
213
00:08:35,061 --> 00:08:36,995
You know...
214
00:08:37,030 --> 00:08:40,566
If you would have just let me finish.
215
00:08:46,072 --> 00:08:48,340
You fucking asshole.
216
00:08:48,374 --> 00:08:50,642
You fucked up my proposal.
217
00:08:53,146 --> 00:08:54,279
Fair enough.
218
00:08:56,816 --> 00:09:00,385
[Edgy rock music]
219
00:09:04,791 --> 00:09:05,924
[Thud]
220
00:09:07,293 --> 00:09:08,861
[Coughs]
221
00:09:13,399 --> 00:09:14,900
[Grunts]
222
00:09:14,934 --> 00:09:17,870
[Tinny's Pop Goes The Weasel playing]
223
00:09:17,904 --> 00:09:21,039
♪
224
00:09:21,074 --> 00:09:22,274
Daddy?
225
00:09:22,308 --> 00:09:23,809
Fuck me!
226
00:09:23,843 --> 00:09:26,111
You smell funny.
227
00:09:30,884 --> 00:09:34,253
Hey, what's up slugger?
228
00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:35,888
Hmm.
229
00:09:35,922 --> 00:09:39,057
Guess what?
I'm the Tooth Fairy, yeah?
230
00:09:39,092 --> 00:09:42,961
What do you say we, uh,
settle this like men.
231
00:09:42,996 --> 00:09:44,530
All right?
232
00:09:44,564 --> 00:09:47,099
No screaming?
233
00:09:47,133 --> 00:09:48,167
Yeah?
234
00:09:52,305 --> 00:09:56,909
I think you'll find it's all there.
235
00:10:03,249 --> 00:10:05,784
[Shrieks]
236
00:10:05,818 --> 00:10:07,553
You're lucky I have cool neighbors.
237
00:10:07,587 --> 00:10:09,454
I don't know how cool they are.
238
00:10:09,489 --> 00:10:12,758
They left their kid's
bedroom door wide fucking open.
239
00:10:12,792 --> 00:10:15,327
You're lucky you didn't try
anything with that kid.
240
00:10:15,361 --> 00:10:17,429
Why the fuck would I do that?
241
00:10:17,463 --> 00:10:18,830
I don't know.
242
00:10:18,865 --> 00:10:20,165
It's dark.
You're drunk.
243
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,434
Holes is holes, Hank.
244
00:10:22,468 --> 00:10:24,636
You should be tested
for something, Charlie.
245
00:10:24,671 --> 00:10:26,071
- Arms.
- Not sure exactly what,
246
00:10:26,105 --> 00:10:28,006
but you're definitely on the spectrum.
247
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:31,176
[Rhyming] Reach for the sky.
It's beddy-bye.
248
00:10:34,113 --> 00:10:36,281
Oh, don't forget the pants.
249
00:10:36,316 --> 00:10:38,850
♪ Cannot sleep in my pants
250
00:10:38,885 --> 00:10:40,652
[scoffs] Jesus!
251
00:10:40,687 --> 00:10:42,921
When is the last time
you washed these bad boys, Hank?
252
00:10:42,956 --> 00:10:44,690
Huh? Or yourself,
for that matter.
253
00:10:44,724 --> 00:10:47,459
I think the nurses gave me
a sponge bath in the hospital.
254
00:10:47,493 --> 00:10:49,127
But I could have dreamed that.
255
00:10:49,162 --> 00:10:51,430
You need to get your shit together, man.
256
00:10:51,464 --> 00:10:53,198
How do you propose I do that, Charlie?
257
00:10:53,233 --> 00:10:56,268
And once I've gathered up
all my pretty little turds,
258
00:10:56,302 --> 00:10:57,663
what do you suggest I do with them?
259
00:10:57,670 --> 00:10:59,171
You've got Karen to think about.
260
00:10:59,205 --> 00:11:01,306
- And Becca.
- They're better off without me.
261
00:11:01,341 --> 00:11:02,641
The both of 'em.
262
00:11:02,675 --> 00:11:03,809
All I ever do is fuck their shit up.
263
00:11:03,843 --> 00:11:06,011
All I want to do is sleep.
264
00:11:06,045 --> 00:11:08,680
Sleep till I can sleep no more.
265
00:11:08,715 --> 00:11:11,950
And then make myself sleepy
all over again.
266
00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:17,322
Can I at least get your number?
267
00:11:17,357 --> 00:11:19,891
You know, your digits.
Can I get your digits?
268
00:11:19,926 --> 00:11:21,727
You like the way I say that?
Digits, like the kids?
269
00:11:21,761 --> 00:11:23,562
You're not used to hearing no, are you?
270
00:11:23,596 --> 00:11:25,163
Yes, I am.
271
00:11:25,198 --> 00:11:26,331
It's just usually
I could give a shit less.
272
00:11:26,366 --> 00:11:27,833
Tonight I do, for some reason.
273
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:30,135
[Laughs]
274
00:11:30,169 --> 00:11:31,703
- Hank.
- Yes.
275
00:11:31,738 --> 00:11:33,839
I have a boyfriend.
276
00:11:33,873 --> 00:11:35,073
- Of course, you do.
- [Laughs]
277
00:11:35,108 --> 00:11:36,541
How could you not?
278
00:11:36,576 --> 00:11:38,477
But I think if we put our heads together
279
00:11:38,511 --> 00:11:40,145
we can overcome such obstacles.
280
00:11:40,179 --> 00:11:42,414
I have faith in us.
281
00:11:42,448 --> 00:11:44,049
I got to bounce.
282
00:11:44,083 --> 00:11:46,485
It was nice to meet you.
283
00:11:46,519 --> 00:11:48,887
It was nice to meet you too.
284
00:11:48,921 --> 00:11:50,689
Good night.
285
00:11:50,723 --> 00:11:51,757
Good morning...
286
00:11:51,791 --> 00:11:53,959
Karen.
287
00:12:06,272 --> 00:12:10,942
- Karen...Karen.
- Leave the poor girl alone.
288
00:12:13,246 --> 00:12:15,747
- What if she's the one?
- [Laughs]
289
00:12:15,782 --> 00:12:17,249
Oh, go on.
290
00:12:17,283 --> 00:12:18,950
You're just gonna end up hurting her.
291
00:12:18,985 --> 00:12:21,119
And who knows?
292
00:12:21,154 --> 00:12:22,888
She might even, you know...
293
00:12:22,922 --> 00:12:24,222
Ccchhh!
294
00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:30,529
[Urinating]
295
00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:36,868
3.5 baths, Hank.
296
00:12:36,903 --> 00:12:38,236
3.5.
297
00:12:38,271 --> 00:12:41,940
Seemed too far to go.
298
00:12:41,974 --> 00:12:43,775
- You're up early.
- Never went to bed.
299
00:12:43,810 --> 00:12:45,410
Of course not.
300
00:12:45,445 --> 00:12:48,613
I can't get drunk enough
anymore, Charlie.
301
00:12:48,648 --> 00:12:49,948
Speaking of which,
302
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:51,303
we're out of alcoholic beverages.
303
00:12:51,317 --> 00:12:52,884
Come on.
Get in the car.
304
00:12:52,919 --> 00:12:54,486
- We'll get you some.
- Fuck you.
305
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,455
You're my agent.
You go get me some.
306
00:12:56,489 --> 00:12:59,091
Get in the car!
307
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:00,959
We're taking a field trip.
308
00:13:00,993 --> 00:13:03,428
[Sighs]
309
00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:13,338
Gaaaah!
310
00:13:13,373 --> 00:13:15,741
Dee-licious!
311
00:13:24,984 --> 00:13:26,518
Hey.
312
00:13:26,552 --> 00:13:30,122
[Mutters]
313
00:13:32,759 --> 00:13:35,127
That's a weird-looking
liquor store.
314
00:13:37,830 --> 00:13:40,799
Welcome aboard Air Force69, gentlemen.
315
00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:41,933
Well, thank you.
316
00:13:41,968 --> 00:13:43,802
Hank Moody!
317
00:13:43,836 --> 00:13:45,604
Oh, I must be really fucking drunk.
318
00:13:45,638 --> 00:13:46,905
Is that Atticus Fetch?
319
00:13:46,939 --> 00:13:50,909
Baudelaire, Bukowski, and Oscar Wilde
320
00:13:50,943 --> 00:13:54,146
all wrapped up into one
talented motherfucking writer.
321
00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:55,347
Respect.
322
00:13:55,381 --> 00:13:56,948
Remember that for my tombstone.
323
00:13:56,983 --> 00:13:58,750
You ready to take this journey with me?
324
00:13:58,785 --> 00:14:00,819
That depends.
Is this a domestic flight?
325
00:14:00,853 --> 00:14:03,288
I'm not sure I have
a valid passport. Do I?
326
00:14:03,322 --> 00:14:04,990
What's wrong with him?
327
00:14:05,024 --> 00:14:07,192
Uh, he's just
a little bit drunk right now.
328
00:14:07,226 --> 00:14:08,660
Which begs the question:
329
00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:13,465
Why am I not
a little bit drunk right now?
330
00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:14,633
Do you know what that is?
331
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:15,867
Is that Black Hawk Down?
332
00:14:15,902 --> 00:14:17,269
That's the Sudan.
333
00:14:17,303 --> 00:14:19,004
It's my own private satellite feed.
334
00:14:19,038 --> 00:14:21,373
If I witness a crime against humanity,
335
00:14:21,407 --> 00:14:24,309
I just pick up the phone
[snaps fingers] and report it.
336
00:14:24,343 --> 00:14:25,444
Or I can write a song about it.
337
00:14:25,478 --> 00:14:27,546
All this means precious little
338
00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:31,283
when you've watched a government
bomb its own civilians.
339
00:14:31,317 --> 00:14:33,051
Do you know why you're here, Hank?
340
00:14:33,085 --> 00:14:36,154
Oh, I don't even know why
I'm alive right now.
341
00:14:36,189 --> 00:14:37,989
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
342
00:14:38,024 --> 00:14:39,958
is my wife's favorite movie.
343
00:14:39,992 --> 00:14:42,727
Yeah, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
344
00:14:49,202 --> 00:14:50,682
Apologies, darling, but I don't think
345
00:14:50,703 --> 00:14:52,237
I'm gonna be able to come right now.
346
00:14:52,271 --> 00:14:53,738
It's nothing to do with you.
347
00:14:53,773 --> 00:14:56,007
I'm just really excited
about meeting this man.
348
00:14:56,042 --> 00:14:57,642
Oh, thank you, Atticus.
349
00:14:57,677 --> 00:14:59,811
It was an honor and a privilege
to hold your penis
350
00:14:59,846 --> 00:15:00,879
for as long as I did.
351
00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:03,715
You're welcome, pumpkin.
352
00:15:03,749 --> 00:15:05,050
[Laughs]
353
00:15:05,084 --> 00:15:06,985
[Slap]
Ooh!
354
00:15:07,019 --> 00:15:09,187
Personally, I hate the fucking thing.
355
00:15:09,222 --> 00:15:11,990
[Long sniff]
356
00:15:12,024 --> 00:15:15,760
I think it's a huge piece of
mainstream Hollywood bullshit.
357
00:15:15,795 --> 00:15:17,929
[Plays piano] ♪ My old lady
358
00:15:17,964 --> 00:15:19,264
♪ she loves it
359
00:15:19,298 --> 00:15:21,399
♪ she fucking loves it
360
00:15:21,434 --> 00:15:23,201
Well, what does she feel about handjobs?
361
00:15:23,236 --> 00:15:25,604
♪ Handjobs are different
362
00:15:25,638 --> 00:15:26,872
I don't think they are.
363
00:15:26,906 --> 00:15:28,740
♪ Handjobs don't count
364
00:15:28,774 --> 00:15:31,543
I think they do.
365
00:15:31,577 --> 00:15:34,713
♪ I beg to differ
366
00:15:34,747 --> 00:15:39,851
[Deep voice] ♪ I can see it
from both sides ♪
367
00:15:39,886 --> 00:15:43,388
♪ oh, yeah
368
00:15:43,422 --> 00:15:45,690
So I said, "If I'm gonna do this thing,
369
00:15:45,725 --> 00:15:48,226
get me the guy who wrote
the fucking book."
370
00:15:48,261 --> 00:15:49,928
And here I am.
Do what?
371
00:15:49,962 --> 00:15:51,563
God Hates Us All.
372
00:15:51,597 --> 00:15:53,565
I fucking loved it, man.
373
00:15:53,599 --> 00:15:55,534
That was when
it all came together for me.
374
00:15:55,568 --> 00:15:58,169
It was like God came down from heaven
375
00:15:58,204 --> 00:16:02,607
and laid his massive,
veiny ball sack on my face.
376
00:16:02,642 --> 00:16:04,175
And when he took it away,
377
00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:07,579
it left a stain in the form of an idea.
378
00:16:07,613 --> 00:16:09,514
Make it a rock opera!
379
00:16:09,549 --> 00:16:13,084
Like Tommy or Hair
or Jesus Christ Superstar.
380
00:16:13,119 --> 00:16:14,686
I mean, if fucking Bono
381
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,055
can do Spider-Man
the fucking musical,
382
00:16:17,089 --> 00:16:18,523
I think I can do this.
383
00:16:18,558 --> 00:16:20,458
Well, do what?
384
00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:22,894
Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
385
00:16:22,929 --> 00:16:25,230
Hank, they're turning it
into a Broadway musical.
386
00:16:25,264 --> 00:16:28,266
- Oh, that's a terrible idea.
- That's what I said!
387
00:16:28,301 --> 00:16:30,402
But you and me together,
388
00:16:30,436 --> 00:16:32,437
I reckon we could
do something cool with it.
389
00:16:32,471 --> 00:16:33,572
You write the script,
390
00:16:33,606 --> 00:16:35,240
I write the music and lyrics.
391
00:16:35,274 --> 00:16:37,776
Let's make a fucking masterpiece, man!
392
00:16:37,810 --> 00:16:40,045
About--about love.
393
00:16:40,079 --> 00:16:42,047
Because love is all you need.
394
00:16:42,081 --> 00:16:44,249
All the world's problems
395
00:16:44,283 --> 00:16:48,153
eventually come
face-to-face with love.
396
00:16:48,187 --> 00:16:52,123
[Emotional] And who do you reckon wins?
397
00:16:52,158 --> 00:16:53,725
Love!
398
00:16:53,759 --> 00:16:54,926
It's fucking over, man!
399
00:16:54,961 --> 00:16:56,761
Love conquers all!
What do you say?
400
00:16:56,796 --> 00:16:58,129
I don't think so.
401
00:16:58,164 --> 00:17:00,799
- Think about it.
- Thought about it.
402
00:17:00,833 --> 00:17:03,234
But you're an admirer
of my work, as I am of yours.
403
00:17:03,269 --> 00:17:04,970
Not particularly, no.
404
00:17:05,004 --> 00:17:06,738
Really.
405
00:17:06,772 --> 00:17:08,907
They told me that you're a huge fan.
406
00:17:08,941 --> 00:17:10,575
Oh, they misspoke.
407
00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:13,345
And, uh...
408
00:17:13,379 --> 00:17:15,981
Why are you not a fan?
409
00:17:16,015 --> 00:17:18,483
Uh, you're smug, you're pompous.
410
00:17:18,517 --> 00:17:20,819
There's no cock in your rock anymore.
411
00:17:20,853 --> 00:17:22,787
You're a fucking dinosaur, man.
412
00:17:22,822 --> 00:17:24,823
Jesus!
Fuck you!
413
00:17:24,857 --> 00:17:25,857
Fuck you.
You asked.
414
00:17:25,891 --> 00:17:27,158
Fuck you!
415
00:17:27,193 --> 00:17:28,226
Ooh!
416
00:17:30,529 --> 00:17:33,365
[Slaps]
Aah!
417
00:17:33,399 --> 00:17:34,866
- Ooh.
- [Coughing]
418
00:17:39,538 --> 00:17:41,306
[Squeals]
419
00:17:49,248 --> 00:17:50,849
Becca!
420
00:17:52,718 --> 00:17:55,153
A bar is no place for a young lady.
421
00:17:55,187 --> 00:17:57,522
I agree.
422
00:17:57,556 --> 00:18:00,892
But here I am.
Happy day.
423
00:18:00,926 --> 00:18:02,293
Pull up a seat.
424
00:18:02,328 --> 00:18:03,862
I'll get you a sarsaparilla.
425
00:18:03,896 --> 00:18:06,064
Barkeep, sarsaparilla.
426
00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:09,367
- Look, dad...
- [Grunts]
427
00:18:09,402 --> 00:18:11,369
I know you're going through
a very tough time right now.
428
00:18:11,404 --> 00:18:13,038
But you've got us all worried.
429
00:18:13,072 --> 00:18:14,673
Why doesn't anybody understand
430
00:18:14,707 --> 00:18:16,041
that I don't want
to talk about this shit.
431
00:18:16,075 --> 00:18:19,144
Okay, let's talk about me, then.
432
00:18:19,178 --> 00:18:21,680
I've got some good news,
433
00:18:21,714 --> 00:18:23,181
and some...great news.
434
00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:26,084
Tyler stepped in front of a bus
435
00:18:26,118 --> 00:18:28,887
and his corpse was brutally
raped by hipster zombies?
436
00:18:28,921 --> 00:18:30,855
Tyler and I broke up.
437
00:18:30,890 --> 00:18:31,923
Yes!
438
00:18:31,957 --> 00:18:33,892
Oh, mm. Really?
439
00:18:33,926 --> 00:18:35,260
[Stammers] When was that?
440
00:18:35,294 --> 00:18:36,327
Where the fuck was I?
441
00:18:36,362 --> 00:18:37,562
In the hospital.
442
00:18:37,596 --> 00:18:39,564
Then you went home and got drunk.
443
00:18:39,598 --> 00:18:41,599
Oh, yeah.
444
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:43,201
For a month.
445
00:18:43,235 --> 00:18:46,671
Okay, yeah, I remember now.
446
00:18:46,706 --> 00:18:48,373
How, uh--
how are you with that?
447
00:18:48,407 --> 00:18:50,075
I'm fine.
448
00:18:50,109 --> 00:18:51,509
I thought it was love.
449
00:18:51,544 --> 00:18:52,844
Turns out it was lust.
450
00:18:52,878 --> 00:18:55,213
Ohh...
451
00:18:55,247 --> 00:18:57,716
I have a feeling that will
happen over and over again,
452
00:18:57,750 --> 00:18:59,184
until something sticks.
453
00:18:59,218 --> 00:19:01,386
Sweetheart, you are...
454
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:04,255
wise and beautiful beyond your years...
455
00:19:04,290 --> 00:19:06,391
and deserving of a far better father
456
00:19:06,425 --> 00:19:08,893
than the barstool prophet
that sits beside you.
457
00:19:08,928 --> 00:19:10,395
I know.
458
00:19:10,429 --> 00:19:13,298
Point is, I grieved and I moved on.
459
00:19:13,332 --> 00:19:15,700
- Take a lesson.
- Oh.
460
00:19:15,735 --> 00:19:18,203
Thanks, coach.
461
00:19:18,237 --> 00:19:20,305
So, what's your news?
462
00:19:20,339 --> 00:19:23,141
Well, I'm about
to save you a shitload of money.
463
00:19:23,175 --> 00:19:24,275
Hmm?
464
00:19:24,310 --> 00:19:26,044
I'm dropping out of school.
465
00:19:26,078 --> 00:19:28,146
Oh, no, you're not.
466
00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:30,715
And here comes the great news.
467
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,250
I want to be a writer.
468
00:19:32,284 --> 00:19:33,485
Why?
469
00:19:33,519 --> 00:19:35,086
Being a writer sucks.
470
00:19:35,121 --> 00:19:36,722
Everything I've been through in my life
471
00:19:36,756 --> 00:19:38,423
has led me to this.
472
00:19:38,457 --> 00:19:41,092
For better or worse,
I'm my father's daughter.
473
00:19:41,127 --> 00:19:43,828
I want to start living out loud.
474
00:19:43,863 --> 00:19:46,631
Laughing, loving, drinking, fucking.
475
00:19:46,665 --> 00:19:47,932
And I want to start writing about it.
476
00:19:47,967 --> 00:19:48,967
Uh...
477
00:19:49,001 --> 00:19:50,235
All of it.
478
00:19:50,269 --> 00:19:52,437
No, no.
Who are you right now?
479
00:19:52,471 --> 00:19:54,606
I really thought you'd be more supportive.
480
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:55,740
You dropped out of college.
481
00:19:55,775 --> 00:19:57,275
Yeah, like, six times.
482
00:19:57,309 --> 00:19:59,410
And look at me.
I'm a fucking disaster-piece.
483
00:19:59,445 --> 00:20:01,446
I don't care what you say.
I'm still doing it.
484
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,082
- Yeah, no, you're not, Becca.
- Why?
485
00:20:04,116 --> 00:20:05,650
Because I'm
your fucking father, that's why.
486
00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:07,252
You're funny.
Some father.
487
00:20:07,286 --> 00:20:10,054
Jesus Christ, Becca.
Have some fucking respect.
488
00:20:10,089 --> 00:20:11,456
Hey, everything okay over here?
489
00:20:11,490 --> 00:20:13,625
Fuck off, barkeep. Go.
[Peanuts clattering]
490
00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:14,993
Hank, I'm warning you.
491
00:20:15,027 --> 00:20:17,295
- You all right, sweetie?
- Mind your own--
492
00:20:17,329 --> 00:20:18,463
You want me
to call somebody or something?
493
00:20:18,497 --> 00:20:19,564
I warned you, Hank.
494
00:20:19,598 --> 00:20:20,765
Uhh!
495
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,433
Sorry, honey.
496
00:20:22,468 --> 00:20:24,269
He'll live to waste another day.
497
00:20:24,303 --> 00:20:26,304
There goes your tip.
498
00:20:26,338 --> 00:20:30,241
Well, I, for one,
really loved your book, Ophelia.
499
00:20:30,276 --> 00:20:33,011
Your shit really speaks to me.
500
00:20:33,045 --> 00:20:34,946
You know, all my life,
I've defined myself
501
00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:37,282
by whatever idiot man-child
502
00:20:37,316 --> 00:20:39,984
I was spreading my legs for at the time.
503
00:20:40,019 --> 00:20:43,421
And no more, I tell you, no more.
504
00:20:43,455 --> 00:20:44,989
Good for you, Marcy.
505
00:20:45,024 --> 00:20:46,357
You're exactly right.
506
00:20:46,392 --> 00:20:49,260
You don't need a man to be happy.
507
00:20:49,295 --> 00:20:51,429
- I'm living proof.
- See?
508
00:20:51,463 --> 00:20:53,364
That's what this skinny bitch
509
00:20:53,399 --> 00:20:54,799
has to get through her thick skull.
510
00:20:54,834 --> 00:20:56,467
That's really sweet of you, honey.
511
00:20:56,502 --> 00:20:59,304
But I don't think that men
are entirely to blame.
512
00:20:59,338 --> 00:21:00,705
Oh, they are, Karen.
513
00:21:00,739 --> 00:21:03,508
My entire thesis is built on this idea.
514
00:21:03,542 --> 00:21:05,777
Men are wild animals.
515
00:21:05,811 --> 00:21:07,846
And they must be regarded as such.
516
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,347
Mm.
517
00:21:09,381 --> 00:21:11,683
I think that's a tad hysterical.
518
00:21:11,717 --> 00:21:13,218
Karen! Karen!
519
00:21:13,252 --> 00:21:15,653
I need you to dress this wound.
520
00:21:15,688 --> 00:21:17,121
What happened to him?
What happened?
521
00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:18,656
I'd like a drink.
Now would be good.
522
00:21:18,691 --> 00:21:20,992
No time like the present,
you know. [Sneezes]
523
00:21:21,026 --> 00:21:23,228
Both: Oh.
- Oh, for God's sake.
524
00:21:23,262 --> 00:21:25,396
- I'm sorry.
- What is this stuff?
525
00:21:25,431 --> 00:21:27,332
The fucking Vagina Dialogues?
526
00:21:27,366 --> 00:21:28,733
[Sniffs out]
Oh!
527
00:21:28,767 --> 00:21:32,203
[Upbeat music]
528
00:21:40,512 --> 00:21:42,347
Oh, shit.
529
00:21:42,381 --> 00:21:44,349
This better not be an intervention.
530
00:21:44,383 --> 00:21:46,317
Yes, Hank, it is.
531
00:21:46,352 --> 00:21:48,219
But it's also an act of love.
532
00:21:48,254 --> 00:21:50,221
But this is not about abstaining.
533
00:21:50,256 --> 00:21:51,656
Exactly.
534
00:21:51,690 --> 00:21:52,891
This is about you finding your way back
535
00:21:52,925 --> 00:21:54,692
to being the functional alcoholic
536
00:21:54,727 --> 00:21:55,693
that we all know and love.
537
00:21:55,728 --> 00:21:57,395
We miss that guy, Hanky.
538
00:21:57,429 --> 00:21:58,529
It's true, dad.
539
00:21:58,564 --> 00:22:00,331
You used to be such a good drunk.
540
00:22:00,366 --> 00:22:01,900
Now you're just disgusting.
541
00:22:01,934 --> 00:22:03,701
And bloated.
542
00:22:03,736 --> 00:22:05,870
And smelly.
543
00:22:05,905 --> 00:22:07,705
Well, thanks for that, daughter.
544
00:22:07,740 --> 00:22:09,007
It has to end.
545
00:22:09,041 --> 00:22:11,409
Think of it as a vacation, Hank.
546
00:22:11,443 --> 00:22:12,744
Hey, hey, get this.
547
00:22:12,778 --> 00:22:14,512
The place is called Happy Endings.
548
00:22:14,546 --> 00:22:16,214
You know, I think I could
use a stay there myself.
549
00:22:16,248 --> 00:22:17,715
The Internet porn thing
is really starting
550
00:22:17,750 --> 00:22:18,883
to suck me back in.
551
00:22:18,918 --> 00:22:21,319
Have you seen this tubegalore?
552
00:22:21,353 --> 00:22:22,921
Have you experienced this?
553
00:22:22,955 --> 00:22:24,889
It is a vortex, Hank.
554
00:22:24,924 --> 00:22:27,492
A swirling, black cauldron of sexuality.
555
00:22:27,526 --> 00:22:29,560
I sat down at the computer,
the other morning,
556
00:22:29,595 --> 00:22:32,030
I typed in "amateur bbw."
557
00:22:32,064 --> 00:22:33,564
And the next thing you know,
it's dinnertime.
558
00:22:33,599 --> 00:22:34,933
- Oh.
- What?
559
00:22:34,967 --> 00:22:37,735
- Ew!
- What? I'm being truthful!
560
00:22:37,770 --> 00:22:40,305
I can't believe
I ever shared a bed with you.
561
00:22:40,339 --> 00:22:43,574
Then I can't believe you're
going on your second ex-husband.
562
00:22:43,609 --> 00:22:46,644
Oh, and I really can't believe
you're back to renting.
563
00:22:46,679 --> 00:22:48,413
That's mean, Charlie.
564
00:22:48,447 --> 00:22:49,981
Do you want to see me cry?
Because this is me crying.
565
00:22:50,015 --> 00:22:51,849
Good God, woman!
566
00:22:51,884 --> 00:22:53,918
This is not about the petty
problems of L.A.'s working rich!
567
00:22:53,953 --> 00:22:57,088
This is about Hank and
his debilitating self-hatred!
568
00:22:57,122 --> 00:22:59,357
Exactly. And if Hank hadn't
been such a dick-in-the-mud,
569
00:22:59,391 --> 00:23:01,359
then he and Karen
would still be together,
570
00:23:01,393 --> 00:23:03,661
which means that Karen
and I wouldn't be a couple
571
00:23:03,696 --> 00:23:07,231
of pathetic 40-something
roommates right now!
572
00:23:07,266 --> 00:23:09,901
I thought you loved being my roommate.
573
00:23:09,935 --> 00:23:11,369
I do, baby.
574
00:23:11,403 --> 00:23:13,338
But I like my big,
shiny house in the hills
575
00:23:13,372 --> 00:23:14,939
just a wee bit better.
576
00:23:14,974 --> 00:23:17,208
But no, Stu had to go
and get his cock worshipped
577
00:23:17,242 --> 00:23:19,010
by that stupid little
578
00:23:19,044 --> 00:23:22,180
no-talent Mary Poppins
fucking cum-dumpster!
579
00:23:22,214 --> 00:23:25,183
Sorry, Becca, man.
580
00:23:25,217 --> 00:23:26,384
Whatever.
581
00:23:26,418 --> 00:23:27,952
- Can we get back to dad?
- [Sighs]
582
00:23:27,987 --> 00:23:30,421
Oh! Maybe I should just
forgive and forget, right?
583
00:23:30,456 --> 00:23:31,522
I mean, it was just a blowjob.
584
00:23:31,557 --> 00:23:33,291
Blowjobs are like fist bumps.
585
00:23:33,325 --> 00:23:34,792
You know, I can forgive him
and move back
586
00:23:34,827 --> 00:23:36,394
into that big, beautiful house
in the Hills,
587
00:23:36,428 --> 00:23:38,096
and Stu and I could go to therapy.
588
00:23:38,130 --> 00:23:39,370
I mean, that's what couples do.
589
00:23:39,398 --> 00:23:40,565
They work their shit out
together, right?
590
00:23:40,599 --> 00:23:42,367
- No. No.
- What do you think?
591
00:23:42,401 --> 00:23:44,969
Thanks for the support, you
mean-spirited fucking gazelle!
592
00:23:45,004 --> 00:23:47,438
Why are you being
such a bitch right now?
593
00:23:47,473 --> 00:23:49,407
I don't know!
I'm sorry!
594
00:23:49,441 --> 00:23:52,377
Worst intervention ever.
595
00:23:52,411 --> 00:23:56,114
Okay, long story short, Hank, okay.
596
00:23:56,148 --> 00:23:57,782
You got to get your ass to rehab.
597
00:23:57,816 --> 00:24:00,451
If I could do it, you could do it.
598
00:24:00,486 --> 00:24:02,453
And I had the fucking yayo
to contend with.
599
00:24:02,488 --> 00:24:04,655
You just got the bottle.
♪ Pussy!
600
00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:07,325
Fuck you, Cunty Smurf.
601
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,060
And while I'm at it,
602
00:24:09,094 --> 00:24:10,795
fuck all y'all
narcissistic motherfuckers.
603
00:24:10,829 --> 00:24:12,497
Except you, Becca.
I love you a long time.
604
00:24:12,531 --> 00:24:14,165
But this dropping
out of school business,
605
00:24:14,199 --> 00:24:15,466
- that's bullshit.
- What?
606
00:24:15,501 --> 00:24:16,934
What are you talking about?
607
00:24:16,969 --> 00:24:19,437
[Screams]
608
00:24:19,471 --> 00:24:20,905
I didn't want to do this, Hank,
609
00:24:20,939 --> 00:24:22,807
but you give me no choice.
610
00:24:26,178 --> 00:24:27,945
I took a bullet for you, man.
611
00:24:27,980 --> 00:24:30,481
The least you can do
is try to heal yourself.
612
00:24:30,516 --> 00:24:32,650
For me, okay?
613
00:24:36,889 --> 00:24:39,457
Dad, these people
are borderline retarded,
614
00:24:39,491 --> 00:24:41,659
but they love you.
I love you.
615
00:24:41,693 --> 00:24:44,762
Get your head out of your ass
and stop drinking.
616
00:24:44,797 --> 00:24:48,699
'Cause sooner or later,
you're just gonna kill yourself.
617
00:24:48,734 --> 00:24:50,802
Just because I'm older now
618
00:24:50,836 --> 00:24:55,006
doesn't mean I don't need a father.
619
00:25:11,490 --> 00:25:13,191
Hey.
620
00:25:13,225 --> 00:25:17,328
You know, you didn't even
let me say my piece.
621
00:25:17,362 --> 00:25:19,664
How supremely shitty of me.
622
00:25:19,698 --> 00:25:21,466
What do you got?
Lay it on me, woman.
623
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:23,668
We were in such
a great place that night.
624
00:25:23,702 --> 00:25:26,704
And if we stand any chance
of getting back there,
625
00:25:26,738 --> 00:25:30,708
you have to pull your shit together.
626
00:25:30,742 --> 00:25:32,143
And that's it.
627
00:25:32,177 --> 00:25:34,712
That's all I got.
628
00:25:34,746 --> 00:25:37,348
The rest is up to you.
629
00:25:37,382 --> 00:25:38,516
Can I tell you something?
630
00:25:38,550 --> 00:25:40,651
Yes, always.
631
00:25:40,686 --> 00:25:42,920
Even if it has the potential
to make you sad?
632
00:25:42,955 --> 00:25:46,891
Even better.
633
00:25:46,925 --> 00:25:49,527
That night, I was so looking forward
634
00:25:49,561 --> 00:25:50,561
to having dinner with you.
635
00:25:50,596 --> 00:25:53,498
For the first time in forever,
636
00:25:53,532 --> 00:25:56,267
you and me, we just seemed so possible.
637
00:25:56,301 --> 00:26:00,705
Everything I always wanted
just right around the corner.
638
00:26:00,739 --> 00:26:02,707
And then it all just went away.
639
00:26:02,741 --> 00:26:04,842
I was the last person to hurt her.
640
00:26:04,877 --> 00:26:06,677
To break her heart.
641
00:26:06,712 --> 00:26:09,080
And I can't put into words
how bad that makes me feel.
642
00:26:09,114 --> 00:26:11,182
And now it hurts to be awake,
643
00:26:11,216 --> 00:26:13,951
and I don't know if I can get
back to that feeling...
644
00:26:13,986 --> 00:26:16,254
with you.
645
00:26:16,288 --> 00:26:21,159
And what scares me is, um,
I'm not sure that I ever will.
646
00:26:23,295 --> 00:26:25,263
You will get back there.
647
00:26:25,297 --> 00:26:27,498
If you want to.
648
00:26:30,936 --> 00:26:32,436
And in the meantime,
649
00:26:32,471 --> 00:26:37,241
maybe I'll just dream
for both of us, I guess.
650
00:26:44,750 --> 00:26:46,817
Good night, Karen.
651
00:27:11,977 --> 00:27:13,844
Hey, Bukowski!
652
00:27:13,879 --> 00:27:16,681
It's freezing out there.
Come up.
653
00:27:16,715 --> 00:27:18,482
I'll make you some coffee.
654
00:27:18,517 --> 00:27:22,119
Hey, [stammers] I feel I should tell you
655
00:27:22,154 --> 00:27:23,621
that...
656
00:27:23,655 --> 00:27:24,989
I'm not gonna sleep with you.
657
00:27:25,023 --> 00:27:26,490
[Mouths]
658
00:27:26,525 --> 00:27:28,626
[John Lennon's Instant Karma]
659
00:27:28,660 --> 00:27:32,697
♪ Instant karma's
gonna get you... ♪
660
00:27:32,731 --> 00:27:35,499
Hank, it's time for group.
661
00:27:35,534 --> 00:27:38,469
- Ten minutes, okay?
- [Mumbling] Yeah, all right.
662
00:27:38,503 --> 00:27:41,138
Welcome to Happy Endings.
663
00:27:41,173 --> 00:27:44,775
♪ Pretty soon you're gonna be dead ♪
664
00:27:44,810 --> 00:27:49,347
♪ What in the world
you thinking of? ♪
665
00:27:49,381 --> 00:27:53,217
♪ laughing in the face of love
666
00:27:53,252 --> 00:27:56,687
♪ What on earth you tryin' to do? ♪
667
00:27:56,722 --> 00:28:00,491
♪ it's up to you, yeah, you ♪
668
00:28:00,525 --> 00:28:04,462
♪ but we all shine on
669
00:28:04,496 --> 00:28:08,666
♪ like the moon and the stars
and the sun ♪
670
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:13,004
♪ but we all shine on
671
00:28:13,038 --> 00:28:16,517
♪ everyone, come on
672
00:28:16,834 --> 00:28:27,491
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com