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00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:25,847
D'oh.
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00:00:27,174 --> 00:00:28,808
(grunts)
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00:00:31,604 --> 00:00:35,604
♪ The Simpsons 24x11 ♪
Changing of the Guardian
Original Air Date on January 27, 2013
4
00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:40,634
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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(thunder booming)
6
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,985
"In this exciting strategy game,
7
00:00:48,032 --> 00:00:51,422
"you amass resources--
timber, salt fish and wax--
8
00:00:51,457 --> 00:00:53,682
"to fund the syndicate
to gain influence
9
00:00:53,726 --> 00:00:55,394
with the Doges of Venice."
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00:00:55,438 --> 00:00:56,909
Doges?
Why do we have to play
11
00:00:56,946 --> 00:00:58,515
this stupid game Lisa likes?
12
00:00:58,563 --> 00:00:59,912
I don't like this game.
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Nobody likes this game.
14
00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:03,741
Even the kids on the box
look bored.
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00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,298
They're miserable.
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00:01:05,364 --> 00:01:08,383
We have to do something
until the storm passes.
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00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:10,662
Now, just fill out
these customs forms,
18
00:01:10,687 --> 00:01:11,793
and we can get started.
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00:01:11,817 --> 00:01:13,550
(gasps)
Twister!
20
00:01:13,581 --> 00:01:16,784
No! Whenever we play that,
my elbow touches Dad's junk.
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00:01:16,805 --> 00:01:19,357
No! Outside the house!
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(all screaming)
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(grunts)
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(grunting)
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You live like this?
26
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Ooh, dear Lord,
27
00:01:38,368 --> 00:01:41,530
if thy tornado must take me,
please let it take me to Oz.
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00:01:41,564 --> 00:01:45,300
But don't let Flanders
be the scarecrow.
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(gasps)
We made it, boy.
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(yelping)
31
00:01:48,632 --> 00:01:50,316
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
32
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,713
This counts as a walk!
33
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The tornado took
old what's-his-name.
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I'm going after him.
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00:01:57,388 --> 00:01:59,665
No, Homie, it's too dangerous.
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(knocking on glass)
37
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:04,102
Hey, Homer, we were just
doing a little storm chasing.
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00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,219
Lenny, take us with
you to find our dog.
39
00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:07,831
It's okay, Marge,
they're professionals.
40
00:02:07,850 --> 00:02:09,316
What? 'Cause they
rented a van
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00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:11,335
and taped an antenna
to the top?
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00:02:11,406 --> 00:02:13,090
(scoffs)
Not just any tape.
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00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,267
Duct tape.
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00:02:14,296 --> 00:02:15,822
Oh, all right.
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00:02:15,859 --> 00:02:18,828
But I'm coming with you to make
sure no one does anything stupid.
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Don't worry, Marge,
we bought a ton of safety gear
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from a highly-respected
storm chaser's widow.
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(gasps)
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00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,112
It's not what you're thinking.
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He died of a heart attack.
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00:02:27,729 --> 00:02:29,930
Yeah, 80 feet up in the air.
52
00:02:30,272 --> 00:02:33,841
Behold, the awesome
nonsense of nature.
53
00:02:39,652 --> 00:02:41,506
Okay, the tornado
that took your dog
54
00:02:41,524 --> 00:02:44,078
looked like an F3
moving westerly.
55
00:02:44,101 --> 00:02:46,317
I guess you do know
your weather.
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00:02:46,356 --> 00:02:47,545
Ha! That means a lot
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00:02:47,570 --> 00:02:49,600
coming from such an
attractive woman as you.
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00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:51,873
I'd say she's prettier
than a surface hoar.
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00:02:51,907 --> 00:02:52,604
Hey!
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00:02:52,628 --> 00:02:55,631
Surely, you didn't misunderstand
my usage of "surface hoar."
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00:02:55,655 --> 00:02:56,972
The sublimation of ice crystals
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that's colder
than a frost point.
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00:02:58,514 --> 00:02:59,445
Maybe.
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00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:02,150
Look, you guys
obviously know about weather,
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00:03:02,169 --> 00:03:05,860
but I understand something
much more predictable:
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00:03:06,009 --> 00:03:06,935
women.
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00:03:06,959 --> 00:03:09,960
What women really want
is a guy who's confident enough
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00:03:09,979 --> 00:03:12,335
to go completely downhill
after marriage
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and know she'll still love him.
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I'll tell you what
women really want:
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00:03:16,199 --> 00:03:18,317
a man who can hold a
note the longest.
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That is the stupidest...
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One, two, three, go.
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(all holding single note)
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(all continue holding note)
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00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:34,577
Homer, you do not
have to compete
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with your friends for me.
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00:03:35,978 --> 00:03:36,919
I would never do that.
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00:03:36,943 --> 00:03:38,544
(resumes vocalizing)
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00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,280
Enough with the singing.
(all stop vocalizing)
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00:03:41,297 --> 00:03:44,708
Fine, but I swear, I will
win you back from Lenny.
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'Nado!
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Ooh.
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It's like God's vacuum cleaner.
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00:04:01,548 --> 00:04:03,483
(laughing)
86
00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:06,411
We're cutting it kind of close.
87
00:04:06,508 --> 00:04:08,678
Not to worry-- we're
safe in the van.
88
00:04:14,111 --> 00:04:15,928
Anyone want their seat warmer?
89
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(gasps)
It's gone.
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00:04:27,896 --> 00:04:29,244
Help me, God.
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00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,968
What is it I'm paying you for
every Sunday?
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(Marge screaming)
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Can... always use...
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00:04:40,746 --> 00:04:42,847
a good babysitter.
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00:04:43,755 --> 00:04:46,531
I was just 27 years
from retirement!
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00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:49,259
Oh, my God,
the twister got Carl,
97
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,228
my best friend in the world.
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00:04:51,254 --> 00:04:53,814
I can barely remember
what he looks like.
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00:04:53,832 --> 00:04:55,166
He was a black guy,
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00:04:55,185 --> 00:04:56,943
but his voice sounded
like a white guy.
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00:04:56,974 --> 00:04:58,999
Hey, excuse me for
wanting to fit in.
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00:04:59,031 --> 00:05:01,536
And here comes
Santa Little Helper.
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00:05:06,395 --> 00:05:08,830
Homie, we made it.
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(both scream)
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00:05:10,245 --> 00:05:11,529
Oh, my God.
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00:05:11,599 --> 00:05:12,799
NELSON:
Ha ha!
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00:05:12,832 --> 00:05:14,345
You're trapped in there good.
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00:05:14,363 --> 00:05:16,966
Once again, the big banks
stick it to the little guy.
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00:05:18,848 --> 00:05:20,261
(both grunting)
Come on.
110
00:05:20,292 --> 00:05:23,105
- Are you pushing?
- Yes, it won't give.
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(sighs)
112
00:05:25,095 --> 00:05:27,663
I don't know if we're going
to be able to get out.
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00:05:27,758 --> 00:05:29,127
(squeaking)
114
00:05:29,186 --> 00:05:30,598
What are you writing?
115
00:05:30,642 --> 00:05:33,050
Maybe the last words
I'll ever write.
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00:05:33,086 --> 00:05:35,220
Oh.
117
00:05:35,299 --> 00:05:36,637
Lenny, you calling for help?
118
00:05:36,671 --> 00:05:39,239
Let them have their moment.
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Kent Brockman here
at death's revolving door.
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00:05:45,890 --> 00:05:47,099
Police have arrived on the scene
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after having fled the state
at the first sign of the storm.
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Bulletproof,
as I somewhat suspected.
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00:05:54,572 --> 00:05:55,728
But don't you worry,
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we're having
a very expensive crane
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00:05:58,242 --> 00:06:00,667
brought in from Shelbyville.
126
00:06:00,738 --> 00:06:01,932
What is this, a bird?
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00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:03,997
It's a bird known as a crane.
128
00:06:04,022 --> 00:06:06,811
And it got very sick
on the way over.
129
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:08,289
Well, our top priority
130
00:06:08,307 --> 00:06:10,203
is making sure that
bird gets well.
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Hey! Hello!
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00:06:12,717 --> 00:06:14,355
As for you, your only hope
133
00:06:14,383 --> 00:06:16,981
is this glass cutting guy
from the hardware store.
134
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:18,970
You guys want to come out
in a plain circle
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00:06:18,990 --> 00:06:20,632
or a kind of a rosette shape?
136
00:06:20,724 --> 00:06:22,825
Just cut the glass.
137
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:25,687
Everybody wants it done
yesterday. (chuckles)
138
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(groans)
139
00:06:27,615 --> 00:06:29,349
WIGGUM: Uh, now we're
ordering some lunch.
140
00:06:29,383 --> 00:06:31,218
Uh, want to go
halfsies on a pizza?
141
00:06:31,252 --> 00:06:33,353
FYI, that means
you get one slice.
142
00:06:33,387 --> 00:06:35,248
Okay, wise guy,
you get to pull out
143
00:06:35,272 --> 00:06:37,222
the two corpses
when we're done.
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00:06:38,476 --> 00:06:40,769
Except for the face
full of glass
145
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,757
when the door
finally collapsed,
146
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he did a pretty good job.
147
00:06:44,952 --> 00:06:46,720
Found another one.
148
00:06:48,102 --> 00:06:49,718
It was so scary
thinking something
149
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,427
might happen to you guys.
150
00:06:54,035 --> 00:06:56,477
Mom, I am so glad you're alive.
151
00:06:56,502 --> 00:06:58,336
Were you worried about me, boy?
152
00:06:58,373 --> 00:06:59,349
Sure. Why not?
153
00:06:59,368 --> 00:07:01,136
(stammers angrily)
154
00:07:01,665 --> 00:07:03,946
Clearly, the boy's in shock.
155
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:05,724
(chuckling):
Oh, yeah, I'm a wreck.
156
00:07:05,755 --> 00:07:07,712
- Stop being blasé.
- Never!
157
00:07:07,774 --> 00:07:10,542
Now, I know you kids
are scared by what happened,
158
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:11,886
but it's bedtime.
159
00:07:11,913 --> 00:07:14,609
Just go into your dark rooms
and shut your eyes.
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00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:16,006
(kids groaning)
161
00:07:16,047 --> 00:07:18,582
Homie, if we did both die,
162
00:07:18,615 --> 00:07:20,685
we've never named guardians.
163
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,022
The kids could end up
wards of the state.
164
00:07:23,057 --> 00:07:24,024
Connecticut?
165
00:07:24,058 --> 00:07:26,095
No, our state.
166
00:07:26,132 --> 00:07:26,946
(screams)
167
00:07:26,971 --> 00:07:28,209
Okay, you're right.
168
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,331
It's hard to imagine
169
00:07:29,356 --> 00:07:30,975
anyone else
bringing up our kids,
170
00:07:31,003 --> 00:07:33,284
but I think the choice
is obvious:
171
00:07:33,336 --> 00:07:34,699
my dad.
172
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:38,085
Oh, you'd let me
have another chance
173
00:07:38,110 --> 00:07:40,713
after the way I screwed
things up with you?
174
00:07:40,744 --> 00:07:41,863
Eh, good point.
175
00:07:41,901 --> 00:07:43,219
We'll find somebody else.
176
00:07:43,256 --> 00:07:45,914
Yep, you're a big bag of blubber
177
00:07:45,951 --> 00:07:47,848
soaked in worthless juice.
178
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,671
I got it, Dad.
179
00:07:49,709 --> 00:07:52,336
Why I married you
I'll never know.
180
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:53,101
Oh, yeah?
181
00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:55,709
The tornado was more of a father
to me than you.
182
00:07:55,731 --> 00:07:58,286
Okay, how about my brother?
He's rich.
183
00:07:59,707 --> 00:08:01,124
(beep)
184
00:08:01,158 --> 00:08:03,141
(over answering machine):
Hi. You've reach Herb Powell.
185
00:08:03,184 --> 00:08:04,285
I'm poor again.
186
00:08:04,326 --> 00:08:05,508
(startled grunt)
187
00:08:05,544 --> 00:08:07,578
There's really only one choice,
188
00:08:07,662 --> 00:08:10,798
or should I say
two identical choices?
189
00:08:11,463 --> 00:08:12,332
Sugar?
190
00:08:12,355 --> 00:08:14,463
Oh, how very kind of you.
191
00:08:14,505 --> 00:08:15,805
I'm not giving our kids
192
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,574
to these gravelly-voiced
super hags.
193
00:08:17,608 --> 00:08:18,909
One lump, please.
194
00:08:18,943 --> 00:08:22,293
Homer, my sister's adopted Ling,
and she's doing great.
195
00:08:22,326 --> 00:08:24,164
We've been
tiger-mothering her.
196
00:08:24,207 --> 00:08:25,774
Ling, music time.
197
00:08:25,833 --> 00:08:28,068
♪
198
00:08:28,102 --> 00:08:29,692
Ling, floor routine.
199
00:08:32,752 --> 00:08:34,971
More syncopating.
Stick the landing!
200
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,912
And no resenting us ever.
201
00:08:36,941 --> 00:08:38,942
That's some impressive
flute-nastics.
202
00:08:38,982 --> 00:08:40,968
Shut up!
You can't praise her.
203
00:08:40,986 --> 00:08:42,743
She'll think she's
smart and slack off.
204
00:08:42,761 --> 00:08:45,883
Then all our loving
would be for nothing.
205
00:08:47,605 --> 00:08:49,765
Mmm, maybe we'd better go.
206
00:08:50,227 --> 00:08:51,896
Didn't you want to
ask us something?
207
00:08:51,926 --> 00:08:53,393
Good-bye forever.
208
00:08:53,427 --> 00:08:54,728
(whispering):
Help me.
209
00:08:55,030 --> 00:08:58,115
I think it's time
to go off family.
210
00:08:58,375 --> 00:09:00,950
KIRK: Luanne and I have gone
through some rough patches,
211
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,706
so to be seen as stable enough
to raise your kids, well,
212
00:09:04,809 --> 00:09:06,040
it would be an honor.
213
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,154
You know what else
would be an honor?
214
00:09:08,182 --> 00:09:10,956
Having a husband
who asks my opinion
215
00:09:10,975 --> 00:09:14,264
before inviting in
three more mouths he can't feed.
216
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,871
Hey, Luanne, you
always asked me
217
00:09:15,881 --> 00:09:17,882
what I saw in Vicky
at the Walgreens.
218
00:09:17,910 --> 00:09:20,495
Well, I'll tell you
what I saw: not you!
219
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:23,656
You told me you didn't
even know her name.
220
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,290
Well, that's her name, okay?
221
00:09:25,321 --> 00:09:26,564
BRANDINE:
Let me get this straight.
222
00:09:26,595 --> 00:09:28,581
We have 17 kids,
and you want us
223
00:09:28,612 --> 00:09:29,812
to take three more?
224
00:09:29,847 --> 00:09:32,265
Anything new that wanders
into this house
225
00:09:32,302 --> 00:09:34,046
winds up in the stew pot.
226
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:38,352
Hey, I'm so sorry, but
we just adopted a baby.
227
00:09:38,386 --> 00:09:39,817
Give me back my pants.
228
00:09:39,848 --> 00:09:41,317
I've got to get
back to my unit.
229
00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:43,112
Someone's cranky.
230
00:09:43,153 --> 00:09:44,923
All right, Marge, maybe we're
231
00:09:44,948 --> 00:09:47,062
being a little too choosy
about who our kids
232
00:09:47,081 --> 00:09:48,976
spend the rest of
their lives with.
233
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,783
We'll take what we can get.
234
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:52,167
(gasping)
235
00:09:54,223 --> 00:09:55,080
Uh-oh.
236
00:09:55,106 --> 00:09:56,606
I wonder if word has gotten out
237
00:09:56,628 --> 00:09:58,779
that we're looking
for guardians.
238
00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:04,632
(grunts, growls)
239
00:10:08,051 --> 00:10:09,608
Ah!
240
00:10:10,433 --> 00:10:11,867
Go! Go!
241
00:10:12,223 --> 00:10:13,623
(tires squealing)
242
00:10:13,657 --> 00:10:15,508
(beeping)
243
00:10:18,664 --> 00:10:20,164
(people screaming)
244
00:10:20,882 --> 00:10:22,432
(people screaming)
245
00:10:23,101 --> 00:10:25,502
(people screaming)
246
00:10:28,315 --> 00:10:29,549
(dog howling)
247
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,514
(people screaming)
248
00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,211
(hums, grunts)
249
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,698
(Dr. Hibbert chuckling)
250
00:10:40,356 --> 00:10:42,373
(airplane flying overhead)
251
00:10:46,576 --> 00:10:49,177
All right, the coast is clear.
252
00:10:49,212 --> 00:10:51,513
(relieved murmuring)
253
00:10:52,304 --> 00:10:55,828
Wait a minute,
I live here. Aw.
254
00:11:04,910 --> 00:11:05,917
Where are we going?
255
00:11:05,954 --> 00:11:07,648
And why are we wearing
our good clothes?
256
00:11:07,689 --> 00:11:09,417
With name tags on them.
257
00:11:11,019 --> 00:11:13,017
Kids, there's nothing
to worry about.
258
00:11:13,052 --> 00:11:14,820
(walrus barking)
259
00:11:16,835 --> 00:11:18,523
But we're looking
at replacements
260
00:11:18,554 --> 00:11:20,381
for your mom and me
if we should fail
261
00:11:20,393 --> 00:11:22,131
to die together as a family.
262
00:11:22,168 --> 00:11:24,435
Oh, I see. You guys
are trying to find
263
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,755
a couple of saps to take us
264
00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:27,815
when Dad has a coronary
in the dead of night,
265
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,309
rolls over and crushes Mom.
266
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:30,734
This is not that,
267
00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:32,393
and that
smart-alecky attitude
268
00:11:32,416 --> 00:11:34,467
is exactly why
no one wants you.
269
00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:37,522
Homer, dual incomes,
no kids at 2:00.
270
00:11:37,651 --> 00:11:39,452
(gasps)
Ooh.
271
00:11:40,344 --> 00:11:42,162
Okay, I'll nudge them
with the car.
272
00:11:42,196 --> 00:11:44,798
We'll get a whole
"meet cute" thing going.
273
00:11:45,874 --> 00:11:46,907
(gasping)
274
00:11:46,966 --> 00:11:48,719
Aah! What the hell
are you doing?
275
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,383
Keith, relax.
276
00:11:50,442 --> 00:11:52,994
Look at those
adorable children.
277
00:11:53,028 --> 00:11:55,863
Hmm, I think I hear
a slight accent.
278
00:11:55,898 --> 00:11:57,004
Mid-Atlantic.
279
00:11:57,028 --> 00:11:59,348
(gasps) That's where they
filmed The Wire!
280
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:00,392
Step on it!
281
00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:02,240
(tires squealing)
282
00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,739
This is a pretty
important decision.
283
00:12:04,773 --> 00:12:06,324
How about asking
that Japanese guy
284
00:12:06,358 --> 00:12:08,259
who set the world record
for eating hot dogs?
285
00:12:08,293 --> 00:12:10,228
He's like a successful
version of Dad.
286
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:11,562
(groans)
287
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:13,672
Maybe we should
just give up for now,
288
00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:16,745
have some fried clams
and collect sea glass.
289
00:12:16,982 --> 00:12:18,892
Wait, what about that couple?
290
00:12:18,917 --> 00:12:20,480
They look pretty cozy.
291
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,850
That's Moe
and a bag of garbage.
292
00:12:22,911 --> 00:12:25,112
Boy, cats sure breed a lot.
(meowing)
293
00:12:25,147 --> 00:12:26,638
(yells)
294
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:28,266
Why would you do that to me
295
00:12:28,310 --> 00:12:30,094
after I thought
about feeding you?
296
00:12:30,171 --> 00:12:32,556
(grunts) Mmm.
297
00:12:34,857 --> 00:12:36,157
(laughing)
298
00:12:39,324 --> 00:12:41,523
Whoa, look at that guy.
299
00:12:53,894 --> 00:12:55,406
Yo, I'm Mav.
300
00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:58,149
Wow, a man's stomach
can be flat?
301
00:12:58,183 --> 00:13:00,184
It's one of the, like,
awesome side effects
302
00:13:00,219 --> 00:13:01,786
of being a pro surfer.
303
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:02,987
Wow.
304
00:13:03,166 --> 00:13:04,903
Someone's smitten.
305
00:13:04,928 --> 00:13:07,480
Whoa, way to shralp
the crispies, babe.
306
00:13:07,505 --> 00:13:09,103
My wife, Portia.
307
00:13:09,151 --> 00:13:10,207
Another surfer?
308
00:13:10,245 --> 00:13:11,779
Environmental lawyer.
309
00:13:11,814 --> 00:13:13,445
(sighing)
310
00:13:13,482 --> 00:13:15,809
And in my free time,
I prosecute record companies
311
00:13:15,824 --> 00:13:18,174
who withhold royalties
from elderly blues musicians.
312
00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,874
(sighing continues)
313
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:21,400
(grunting)
314
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:27,907
Um, why don't we
discuss it over dinner?
315
00:13:27,946 --> 00:13:28,980
Discuss what?
316
00:13:29,014 --> 00:13:30,299
Things that
you're desperately missing
317
00:13:30,317 --> 00:13:32,274
from your life
that you never knew you needed.
318
00:13:32,302 --> 00:13:33,836
Cool. See you at 6:00.
319
00:13:33,871 --> 00:13:35,739
(birds cawing)
320
00:13:35,854 --> 00:13:39,090
So, surfing is really your job?
321
00:13:39,124 --> 00:13:41,626
Yeah, I earned a couple million
on the tour last year.
322
00:13:41,647 --> 00:13:43,531
Just for standing on a thing?
323
00:13:43,729 --> 00:13:44,762
Mmm.
324
00:13:44,921 --> 00:13:47,342
Wow.
325
00:13:47,416 --> 00:13:49,367
Your house is perfect.
326
00:13:49,401 --> 00:13:50,601
No sharp corners,
327
00:13:50,636 --> 00:13:53,604
no unsafe balconies,
a cool grandpa.
328
00:13:53,639 --> 00:13:54,772
I love two things:
329
00:13:54,803 --> 00:13:56,779
shutting up
and giving away money.
330
00:13:56,842 --> 00:14:00,002
Ooh, thanks, Dad.
331
00:14:00,145 --> 00:14:01,963
What's that stone
around your neck?
332
00:14:01,997 --> 00:14:03,178
It's a promise stone.
333
00:14:03,213 --> 00:14:05,600
It signifies that
if I ever get to be a burden,
334
00:14:05,651 --> 00:14:07,046
I just jump in a volcano.
335
00:14:07,081 --> 00:14:08,168
Wow.
336
00:14:08,199 --> 00:14:11,813
I assumed the Jackson Five
were the only perfect family,
337
00:14:11,856 --> 00:14:14,311
but now I see there's another.
338
00:14:14,551 --> 00:14:17,315
Princeton, B.A.,
Oxford, M.A.
339
00:14:17,339 --> 00:14:18,606
I smell a Rhodes.
340
00:14:18,647 --> 00:14:19,981
No, I turned it down
341
00:14:20,015 --> 00:14:21,983
because Cecil Rhodes
was such a racist.
342
00:14:22,017 --> 00:14:23,651
(sighs)
343
00:14:23,685 --> 00:14:25,420
Uh, say, listen, Portia.
344
00:14:25,454 --> 00:14:28,222
How would you and Mav
feel about...
345
00:14:28,257 --> 00:14:30,358
um, swinging?
346
00:14:30,392 --> 00:14:31,826
Uh, with you guys?
347
00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:33,550
Uh, seems like my husband
348
00:14:33,574 --> 00:14:35,328
would be getting the
much better deal.
349
00:14:35,361 --> 00:14:36,174
No, no, no.
350
00:14:36,204 --> 00:14:38,735
I-I meant pushing
kids on swings.
351
00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:40,935
Give me a minute to get
some images out of my mind.
352
00:14:40,969 --> 00:14:42,970
Okay, take whatever
time you need.
353
00:14:43,005 --> 00:14:46,674
I just want to know if you'd
like to be their guardians.
354
00:14:46,708 --> 00:14:47,746
Wow.
355
00:14:47,772 --> 00:14:49,504
Wow, that's quite an offer.
356
00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:51,221
This is so fast.
357
00:14:51,246 --> 00:14:54,805
It's so hard to get to know a
child after just one day. I...
358
00:14:54,870 --> 00:14:57,458
All you need to know
is I'm a politeness monster
359
00:14:57,486 --> 00:15:00,028
who eats please
and farts thank-yous, ma'am.
360
00:15:00,052 --> 00:15:03,855
I'm exactly the kind of kid
he's pretending to be.
361
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,025
(belches)
362
00:15:07,079 --> 00:15:08,143
Hmm.
363
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:10,774
Babe, when a killer wave hits,
you can't spend your whole life
364
00:15:10,808 --> 00:15:12,675
deciding if you want
to drop in or not.
365
00:15:12,698 --> 00:15:15,519
It just might be the most
righteous tube we ever shot.
366
00:15:15,554 --> 00:15:18,656
Man, you sure can talk
surfer talk.
367
00:15:18,690 --> 00:15:21,192
Okay, we'll give some serious
thought to taking them.
368
00:15:21,226 --> 00:15:24,195
Maybe this will help you
make up your mind.
369
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:26,874
It's empty.
370
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:30,634
You never know when you
might want to mail something.
371
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:33,447
Homie,
372
00:15:33,472 --> 00:15:36,307
it's been a wonderful day,
373
00:15:36,341 --> 00:15:39,660
but do you think maybe we're
moving a little too quickly?
374
00:15:39,709 --> 00:15:41,475
Worrywart Marge.
375
00:15:41,512 --> 00:15:43,907
You don't look a Trojan horse
in the mouth.
376
00:15:43,949 --> 00:15:46,734
(laughter)
377
00:15:46,869 --> 00:15:49,087
But we know
so little about them.
378
00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:50,542
I swear to you, Marge,
379
00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:54,037
when I have the time,
I will Google them both.
380
00:15:57,729 --> 00:15:59,197
It's all good, brah.
381
00:16:00,005 --> 00:16:01,176
Hey, where's Bart?
382
00:16:01,201 --> 00:16:03,659
Oh, uh, well,
he wanted to be here,
383
00:16:03,683 --> 00:16:05,818
but I'm going to decrease
the volume of my voice
384
00:16:05,847 --> 00:16:08,187
and mumble so you can't really
understand what I'm saying,
385
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,120
and I'll just keep doing it
until the subject...
386
00:16:10,142 --> 00:16:12,193
Your father says I need
to keep you lashed
387
00:16:12,244 --> 00:16:14,795
to the mast for five more arrrs.
388
00:16:14,829 --> 00:16:18,315
- Is that arrrs or hours?
- Both.
389
00:16:18,719 --> 00:16:19,711
Great.
390
00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:21,559
And now my Dad can notarize.
391
00:16:21,627 --> 00:16:23,946
I still have my uses.
392
00:16:24,006 --> 00:16:25,606
Mm-hmm.
393
00:16:25,641 --> 00:16:26,741
Name another.
394
00:16:26,779 --> 00:16:28,212
(groans)
395
00:16:28,897 --> 00:16:30,235
Well, I must admit
396
00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:32,628
it's a relief to get that
taken care of.
397
00:16:32,681 --> 00:16:36,050
Now I can finally complete
my bucket list.
398
00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:37,939
(chuckles)
399
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:39,976
Homer, Marge,
400
00:16:39,997 --> 00:16:41,464
we have a favor to ask.
401
00:16:41,485 --> 00:16:43,522
Too late!
You already signed!
402
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:46,503
Oh, wait, there's one more.
403
00:16:48,831 --> 00:16:50,051
Suckers!
404
00:16:50,190 --> 00:16:52,207
Oh, wait, you've got
to initial this.
405
00:16:53,162 --> 00:16:54,829
Checkmate.
406
00:16:54,853 --> 00:16:56,541
(chuckles)
Listen, Homer,
407
00:16:56,579 --> 00:16:58,414
we just wanted to know
if we could borrow the kids
408
00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,789
for a weekend at our ski house.
409
00:16:59,826 --> 00:17:01,627
We thought they could
pick out their bedrooms.
410
00:17:01,647 --> 00:17:03,180
A whole weekend?
411
00:17:03,211 --> 00:17:04,528
I don't know.
412
00:17:04,563 --> 00:17:07,107
Hey, if they can watch them
for the rest of their lives,
413
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,127
they can certainly do it
for a weekend.
414
00:17:09,148 --> 00:17:10,304
I guess.
415
00:17:10,369 --> 00:17:12,370
As long as we don't
make it a habit.
416
00:17:12,404 --> 00:17:16,642
Marge, no indulgence of mine
ever becomes a habit.
417
00:17:21,647 --> 00:17:24,181
Do you have to do that
in front of people?
418
00:17:24,216 --> 00:17:25,601
It helps me write.
419
00:17:25,729 --> 00:17:27,828
♪ Just the two of us
420
00:17:28,509 --> 00:17:31,103
♪ We can make it if we try
421
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:32,937
♪ Just the two of us
422
00:17:33,365 --> 00:17:35,805
♪ Just the two of us ♪
423
00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:38,443
Marge, this has been
great couples time.
424
00:17:38,463 --> 00:17:42,600
The one thing people with kids
desperately need is no kids.
425
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,001
Well, at least we have time
426
00:17:44,036 --> 00:17:46,037
to get the pets'
Christmas presents.
427
00:17:46,071 --> 00:17:48,614
I don't like the way
they just rip the paper off.
428
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,714
Santa's Little Helper, my ass.
429
00:17:50,746 --> 00:17:52,280
(gasps)
430
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:53,467
Hmm?
431
00:17:53,532 --> 00:17:56,000
(gasps)
432
00:17:58,184 --> 00:17:59,752
My God.
433
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,780
They want to steal our kids.
434
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:04,151
No one steals my kids,
435
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,737
except me,
from that theme park jail
436
00:18:06,768 --> 00:18:09,081
that I never told you about,
except I guess I just did.
437
00:18:09,112 --> 00:18:10,546
We're all caught up now.
Let's go.
438
00:18:15,507 --> 00:18:17,585
MARGE:
It all makes sense now.
439
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:20,074
That's why they took
our kids so quick.
440
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,871
Like all childless couples,
441
00:18:21,896 --> 00:18:24,387
they troll the beaches waiting
for the egg-layers
442
00:18:24,424 --> 00:18:26,346
to wander off from their young.
443
00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:27,727
She's gonna raise three kids
444
00:18:27,745 --> 00:18:29,796
without wrecking
that perfect figure.
445
00:18:29,829 --> 00:18:31,029
Oh, yeah, man.
446
00:18:31,050 --> 00:18:32,284
(groans)
447
00:18:32,450 --> 00:18:33,550
Don't worry, Marge.
448
00:18:33,606 --> 00:18:34,670
We'll get them.
449
00:18:34,694 --> 00:18:36,963
Unless we die
on this icy mountain road.
450
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,974
Then they've won forever.
451
00:18:39,007 --> 00:18:41,475
Homie, I just had
a horrible thought.
452
00:18:41,493 --> 00:18:42,599
(chuckles)
453
00:18:42,636 --> 00:18:44,703
Women and their
horrible thoughts.
454
00:18:44,797 --> 00:18:47,632
What if they are better
for the kids than us?
455
00:18:47,666 --> 00:18:49,767
Marge, let me set your mind
straight about something.
456
00:18:49,802 --> 00:18:51,730
That spectacular young couple
457
00:18:51,768 --> 00:18:53,918
is definitely better
for the kids,
458
00:18:53,956 --> 00:18:56,031
but those kids are ours,
459
00:18:56,058 --> 00:18:58,009
because we made them
460
00:18:58,035 --> 00:18:59,402
by accident.
461
00:18:59,461 --> 00:19:00,978
And now we're gonna
take them back
462
00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:02,251
because we love them,
463
00:19:02,282 --> 00:19:04,924
especially now that we've had
a little time apart from them.
464
00:19:04,958 --> 00:19:07,076
(crashing, groans)
465
00:19:07,992 --> 00:19:10,527
I've got a bone
to pick with you.
466
00:19:10,686 --> 00:19:12,641
Then an apology to make.
467
00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:15,189
Then we exchange
insurance information.
468
00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:17,422
Then more bone picking.
469
00:19:18,753 --> 00:19:20,989
Homer, Marge,
I understand your anger,
470
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:23,137
but your kids are more awesome
471
00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:25,336
than the breaks at Waimea.
472
00:19:25,370 --> 00:19:28,004
Those better be good breaks.
473
00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:29,962
Honestly,
we fell in love with them,
474
00:19:29,987 --> 00:19:33,156
and it just seemed like you guys
didn't really want them.
475
00:19:33,234 --> 00:19:36,134
Sure, you wanted the fun
parts, but do you want to go
476
00:19:36,162 --> 00:19:38,730
to their little league
games and recitals?
477
00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:39,957
We totally have.
478
00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:41,170
Like clockwork.
479
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:42,621
Well, I'm glad someone has.
480
00:19:42,652 --> 00:19:44,981
Look, before anyone
says anything else,
481
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:48,320
how could you possibly think
you could get our kids?
482
00:19:48,364 --> 00:19:50,092
It happens more than
you know, Marge.
483
00:19:50,116 --> 00:19:51,851
I'm a lawyer;
he's a surfer.
484
00:19:51,873 --> 00:19:53,880
That combination's
pretty unstoppable.
485
00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:55,174
BART:
Well, I'm afraid
486
00:19:55,199 --> 00:19:57,327
that we don't want to be
with anyone but Mom
487
00:19:57,351 --> 00:19:59,152
and whoever
she chooses to be with.
488
00:19:59,191 --> 00:20:01,615
Portia, you're the woman
I dream of becoming,
489
00:20:01,647 --> 00:20:03,366
but Mom is my mom.
490
00:20:03,384 --> 00:20:04,160
Fine,
491
00:20:04,198 --> 00:20:05,447
but you're leaving
a gap in our lives
492
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,481
that can only be filled
by foreign travel,
493
00:20:07,518 --> 00:20:09,266
sleeping late and gourmet food.
494
00:20:09,307 --> 00:20:10,474
You guys lock up.
495
00:20:10,533 --> 00:20:11,914
We're going to Bali.
496
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:13,484
(groans)
Again.
497
00:20:13,518 --> 00:20:14,802
We've won!
498
00:20:14,823 --> 00:20:16,124
(flatly):
Whoo-hoo.
499
00:20:18,299 --> 00:20:20,658
Kids, your father
and I have decided
500
00:20:20,683 --> 00:20:23,702
we're not in such a hurry
to get you guardians.
501
00:20:23,745 --> 00:20:25,826
Instead of
concentrating on dying,
502
00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:28,474
we're going to
concentrate on living.
503
00:20:28,491 --> 00:20:29,891
If you call this living.
504
00:20:29,945 --> 00:20:30,970
Why, you little...
505
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,685
(choking, grunting)
506
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:34,802
I do call this living.
507
00:20:34,824 --> 00:20:39,000
Living the way kids in India
can only dream of.
508
00:20:39,047 --> 00:20:42,690
There is nothing like
your biological family.
509
00:20:42,814 --> 00:20:47,814
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
510
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:51,167
(Homer, Lenny and Carl
holding single note)
511
00:20:57,011 --> 00:20:58,851
(Lenny and Carl coughing)
512
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,658
(Homer continues holding note)
513
00:21:00,906 --> 00:21:01,794
HOMER:
I win.
514
00:21:01,806 --> 00:21:02,768
LENNY:
Win what?
515
00:21:02,793 --> 00:21:04,794
HOMER:
I forget.
516
00:21:29,277 --> 00:21:31,278
Shh!