1 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,354 Previously on In Treatment. 2 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,592 A US Navy aircraft hit a target on the outskirts of Baghdad. 3 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:18,237 Turns out it's a madrasah, an Islamic religious school, boys studying the Koran. 4 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:20,111 16 of them dead. 5 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,037 I flew that mission. 6 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:23,593 Madrasah murderer. 7 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:29,351 Shortly after you complete this mission, you work yourself up into a state of exertion. 8 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:34,872 Don't you think there's a strong desire there to atone for your actions? 9 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,354 You're going back to where you dropped a bomb. 10 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:41,757 Your face is on the internet and there's a price on your head. 11 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:50,669 Surprised? 12 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,516 I didn't think, uh... 13 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,836 - I didn't think you'd come back again. - I'm back. 14 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,235 Good. Come on in. 15 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,036 Would you like some coffee? I've just made a pot. 16 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:06,954 Yeah, coffee's good. 17 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:15,276 How do you like it? I got, uh, skim, whole milk. 18 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,515 - Got some soya here. - Black. 19 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:19,790 I like to taste the beans. 20 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,394 Bet you need a lot of coffee to listen to the fuck-ups in here. 21 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,589 (Chuckles) 22 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,676 I don't drink coffee, just tea. 23 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,871 I keep it... I keep it for my patients. 24 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:35,315 - Blood pressure? Irregular heartbeat? - No, I've just never really liked the taste. 25 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,318 Ah, subconscious irregular heartbeat. 26 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,955 - You get check-ups? EKG? - Yep. Every year. 27 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,514 Yeah? And? How's your heart? 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:45,788 It's perfect. 29 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,673 Um, look, Alex, um... 30 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,154 I'm really glad that you came back. 31 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,111 To tell you the truth, I was, um... 32 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,628 I was a little worried after you left last week. 33 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,672 - Because I wanted to go back to Baghdad? - Yes. 34 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,870 Well, I went. 35 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,717 Mmn! 36 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,910 Damn, Paul. 37 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,589 Sorry, but one thing I don't compromise on is coffee. 38 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,789 Is that your reaction whenever the coffee isn't perfect? 39 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,435 Isn't perfect? Paul, this is like attempted murder, your coffee. 40 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,472 Let me hear your interpretation. It's obvious you have one. 41 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,478 Well, not really, I... 42 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,954 I remember I used to have this patient once and, um... 43 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,719 before each session he would say, "Stop." 44 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:51,878 And then he would pop a pill and it was just a ritual... 45 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,876 What are you trying to say? 46 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,354 Well, I think in his particular case, 47 00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:00,598 what he wanted to show me was his distress and his... 48 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,471 his pain. 49 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,034 I don't know, maybe with the coffee, it's... 50 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:10,677 you're telling me that you're only going to come to therapy under your conditions 51 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,792 and anything that you don't like you're gonna spit out right away. 52 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:17,230 - Aren't you being just a little dramatic? - Maybe. 53 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,395 (Clears throat) 54 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,669 So, Alex. 55 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,556 Why did you come back? 56 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,436 I want your advice on another little matter. 57 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:34,517 Besides, you deserve to know how my trip went, 58 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,836 being that you helped me decide to go - for all the wrong reasons 59 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,599 because my visit didn't do what it was supposed to. 60 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,428 - What was it supposed to do? - Let's just cut to the chase. 61 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:48,473 I'm standing in the street near the bomb site. It's like London after the Blitz. 62 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,953 It's rubble, you know. 63 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:56,073 This area had been hit again and again by us, by them, by suicide bombers. 64 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,150 We hooked up with a Red Cross unit. 65 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,988 They take us to this makeshift hospital, this triage unit. 66 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,952 There weren't enough doctors to treat everybody. 67 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,878 - It was chaos. - So what did you do? 68 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,679 I was just watching. 69 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:18,111 You've got to understand, in my line of work I'm 15,000 feet up in the air. 70 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,833 A missile locks in on the target by radar on a screen. 71 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,509 I don't see people. I just press a button. And boom. 72 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,150 It was kind of crazy to be down there all of a sudden. 73 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,757 So how did that make you feel? 74 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,836 Coming face to face with the victims? 75 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,990 How would it make you feel? 76 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,078 Scared. 77 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,918 Um... guilty. 78 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,349 See, that would be the normal reaction. 79 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:59,075 I knew this should've been the trauma of my life but I felt... 80 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,111 nothing. 81 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,631 Then I realised the system did a great job on me. 82 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,640 What do you mean, the system? 83 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:13,355 Listen, there's people down there, arms and legs missing, 84 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,868 faces blown off, it's carnage. 85 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,674 And the parents are waiting to see if their children are going to live 86 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,871 all because of what I did. But what can I tell you? 87 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,833 To me, they looked like 200 people standing in line at the pharmacy. 88 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,190 Did you feel any connection with them? 89 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,915 Did you feel in any way responsible for what they'd suffered? 90 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:34,995 No, no. 91 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,750 All I cared about was whether they cheated me or not - I mean, the system. 92 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,839 The people in the madrasah, it wasn't any different to seeing it on TV. 93 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,872 The only thing on my mind was whether the system knew 94 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,959 that the buildings near the target, the one that was supposed to get my bomb, 95 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,118 if they knew these buildings were full of children or not, as they claim. 96 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,639 Nothing else mattered. 97 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:02,196 So it was important for you to know that you had done the right thing? 98 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,596 Like you said last week, if you hit the target you sleep well. 99 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,834 Yes. 100 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:14,035 And all those people whose suffering you were responsible for... 101 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,957 could you not see them? 102 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,629 No, no, I saw them, I felt nothing for them. 103 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,469 And then I realised how ingenious 104 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:29,115 that my body has a built-in separation mechanism. 105 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,152 - What do you mean, separation? - Compartmentalisation. 106 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:36,034 I'm standing there and all I cared about was whether I made a precise hit. 107 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,351 The enemy is a formula. 108 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,836 Size of building, amount of people, multiplied by the amount of explosives, 109 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,077 divided by 100 equals the number of estimated casualties. 110 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,839 I'm standing there, I don't feel anything. 111 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:03,959 I had this friend who died a couple of months ago, um... 112 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,309 Anyway, I, um... 113 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:07,793 I went to the funeral 114 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,593 and all through the service, 115 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,713 I kept saying to myself, "Why don't I feel sad?" 116 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:19,311 I thought to myself, "Maybe I didn't love him, maybe I didn't care." 117 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,198 I tormented myself for about a week. 118 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:29,677 Anyway, finally, I realised that actually I felt a great deal. 119 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,679 Even the fact that I was so busy with my guilty feelings, 120 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:38,236 even that attests to how much I felt about him. 121 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,473 W-What are you saying? That I was feeling but I didn't feel that I was feeling? 122 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,353 I think that you have 123 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:50,871 very, very deep feelings about these people 124 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,388 but something strong inside you 125 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,352 prevents you from acknowledging those feelings. 126 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,472 Not just to me or to anybody else... 127 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,757 - but to yourself. - I don't understand what you're saying. 128 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,597 I don't get what you're telling me. 129 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,393 Feelings are not a philosophy. You feel or you don't. 130 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,069 - You can't bullshit about it. - You think I'm bullshitting? 131 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:16,477 I'm paying you 150 bucks for less than an hour and I don't see you making an effort. 132 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,954 You're supposed to be smarter than me. 133 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:23,710 Ah, so we're competing to see who's the, uh... 134 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,716 who's the smartest? Yeah? 135 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:29,719 You know, Alex, I think that here, like everywhere else, 136 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:35,073 like with the coffee, for instance, you're concerned with what's the best. 137 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,593 Must be... Must be very difficult. 138 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,436 Come on, give me a break. 139 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,631 It must be kind of frightening for you to feel... 140 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,317 empathy with these people. 141 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:53,672 So you create this kind of alternate reality where those people were... 142 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,553 "just waiting in line at the pharmacy. 143 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,637 "I'm just the accidental tourist, 144 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,592 "not the pilot who bombed them, who killed their family." 145 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,358 (Laughs) 146 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,834 Oh, I wish you were right. 147 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,231 It's much more fundamental. 148 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:16,191 Look, if you hold on to this organ... 149 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,598 called guilt feelings - 150 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:23,519 and I believe that's what it is, it's an organ, like the spleen or liver - 151 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,996 the system will cut it out of you completely. 152 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,628 Understand? I have no way of feeling guilt any more. 153 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,591 I don't have the organ. 154 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,712 So you really believe it's possible to... 155 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,479 amputate such an organ? 156 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,632 You... 157 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,671 You went back to Iraq. 158 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,196 Can... Why was it so important for you to go back? 159 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,152 To risk your life just to be there? 160 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,397 I told you, I wanted to check if anything was left. 161 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,634 And... 162 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:03,309 And I wanted to see what happens when I come down from that top view. 163 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,989 - But nothing happened? - That's right. Nothing. 164 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,559 Can we... 165 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,511 Can we go back for a moment to the, uh... 166 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,790 to the site of the bombing? 167 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,593 Can you describe one moment when you said to yourself, 168 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:23,509 "I should be feeling something now, right now, and I don't"? 169 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,157 (Sighs) 170 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,119 Um... 171 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,517 Yeah, there was a moment, I don't know if this is what you're looking for. 172 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,155 But there was a moment when this old man came over to me... 173 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,317 and he had been burned, his arm was bandaged. 174 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,115 He kept looking at me with a strange little smile. 175 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,598 (Speaks Arabic) 176 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,631 Which means, "I know you." 177 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,756 "I know you." 178 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,069 I ignored him at first but he came back. 179 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,237 "I know you, I know you," he kept saying. 180 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,875 For a second I thought he did recognise me but I didn't really believe that. 181 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,912 I doubt he'd ever seen the internet but... 182 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,599 in some deep, intuitive way... 183 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,838 he knew. 184 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:25,874 He knew I was the man who dropped the bomb that destroyed the whole street. 185 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,199 Well... 186 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,069 (Exhales) 187 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,031 You could be... 188 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,878 You could be describing a mystical experience, like a... 189 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,114 like a dream. 190 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,550 Yeah, it was like a dream, like a totally bizarre dream. 191 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,592 He looked like an old warlock out of a fairy tale. 192 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:50,599 And he wouldn't leave me alone, he kept pointing at me. (Speaks Arabic) 193 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,551 "I know you." 194 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,751 And I looked in his eyes 195 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:59,475 and he was sort of amused, kind of friendly... 196 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,718 the way my father looks at me when he thinks I've done something wrong, 197 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,070 like no matter what, I can't hide from it, and I was frozen there. 198 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,476 By that time people had gathered and they were watching us. 199 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,514 Finally, someone from the church group pulled me away, 200 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,836 but that old man, he never took his eyes off me. 201 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:29,638 You still think it's too early to talk about your father? 202 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:33,673 Why, because he popped into my head for a second? 203 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,914 (Chuckles) 204 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,520 You people, what is it with you people? 205 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,630 I give you a little crumb and you lunge at it. 206 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:40,999 No. 207 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,157 I'm just asking myself, Alex, what was it about that old man 208 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,794 that makes you think about your father? 209 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,432 Let me tell you something. 210 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,075 If there's someone who does not know the meaning of guilt, it's my father. 211 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:58,150 You know why? Because if he could feel, he wouldn't have survived. 212 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,079 You know, my father killed his father with his bare hands. 213 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,069 Yeah. 214 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,997 And that's a fact. 215 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,951 Man, I'd love to see him on this couch. 216 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,356 Doc, you'd have a field day with him. 217 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,633 - You want to talk about it? - Oh, now I got your attention. 218 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,638 Well, I don't think I can tell it as well as he does but I'll try. 219 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,479 Mid-'50s, right, Jim Crow Oklahoma. 220 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,912 My old man had pissed off the local good old boys 221 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,873 by trying to organise some, uh, black labour at this factory. 222 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,434 They threatened him but my dad didn't back down. 223 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,199 He's a tough son of a bitch, I'll give him that. 224 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,038 Anyway, the whole thing had escalated 225 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:51,029 and, uh, this mob with hoods attacked his house. 226 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:56,029 My Uncle Ronnie was on the porch, they shot him down, my Aunt Jeannie too. 227 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,036 And then they came inside. 228 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:02,790 My father takes the rest of the family, they run downstairs to the boiler room. 229 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:06,276 They all crammed into this area, this hidden room. 230 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,677 My grandfather, his father, was very sick, dying of lung cancer. 231 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,792 He had this, uh... Apparently he had this... 232 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,312 this wheezing and this hacking cough. 233 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:21,239 So my father puts his hand over his father's mouth and nose 234 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,511 and he kept it there while they searched the basement. 235 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,516 Kept it clamped tight. 236 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,910 Then when they finally cleared out, my grandfather was dead. 237 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,757 He'd suffocated. 238 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,798 - There it is. - That's, uh... 239 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,796 That's a horrific story. 240 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,594 He tells it every year on my grandfather's birthday. It's a tradition. 241 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:49,279 And you believe he doesn't feel guilty about it? 242 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,197 I'm telling you. 243 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,993 He always used to say, "Leave the guilt for the white man. 244 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,635 (Chuckles) "We can't afford it." 245 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:02,231 Well, it's possible that he's saying that... 246 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:06,398 it's dangerous to feel guilty, that it's a kind of weakness. 247 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,830 Maybe that's a message that you've grown up with. 248 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,235 What can I say? That's just my father's way. 249 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,874 - But is it your way? - I don't know. 250 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:20,275 Hey, it works for him. Doesn't necessarily make him an asshole. 251 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,118 People love my father. My wife is crazy about him. 252 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:27,995 You should see him, at family dinners he's got her off in a corner, telling jokes. 253 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,871 I don't know, she appreciates him. 254 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,151 Maybe that's why we lasted as long as we did. 255 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,590 You say lasted as if it was past tense. 256 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,669 Yeah. 257 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,556 Yeah, actually, that's why I came to see you today. 258 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,431 There's this issue with my wife. 259 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:50,278 What happened was, when I came home from my trip, it was late. 260 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,270 The kids were already asleep. 261 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,271 And I saw my wife. 262 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,596 - What do you mean you saw your wife? - I looked at her. 263 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,359 I really looked at her. 264 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,837 She was sleeping in front of the television, 265 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,553 for an hour, an hour and a half, nonstop. 266 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,910 I sat there without taking my eyes off her. 267 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:21,516 When was the last time you watched your wife sleep for an hour straight? 268 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:26,509 - I usually fall asleep before she does. - Try it once, you'll be surprised. 269 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,913 What'll surprise me? 270 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,911 What you discover. 271 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,311 About her. 272 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,793 About yourself. 273 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,478 I was looking at her, looking at every inch of her body. 274 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,236 And I said to myself, 275 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,518 "Who the hell is this woman, 276 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,757 "sleeping on the sofa in front of the TV? 277 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,358 "What the hell does she know about me? 278 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,312 "What does she think she knows about me? 279 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,875 "And what the hell am I doing living with her, 280 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,356 "in the same living room, in the same house, the same kids, 281 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,914 "for the past 15 years?" 282 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,037 Understand? 283 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,510 And I'm sitting opposite her, right? 284 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:25,350 She doesn't imagine what's going through my head and you know what happened? 285 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,278 She starts grinding her teeth. 286 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,437 It's the first time I ever saw her grind her teeth in her sleep 287 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,950 and I'm talking something sick, frightening. 288 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:40,199 The sound that came out of her mouth - you could cut diamonds between her teeth. 289 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,231 It really fucked me up. 290 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,590 - Sounds pretty upsetting. - Shocking, I tell you. 291 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:50,794 And I understood that this woman's been so busy pretending everything's OK, 292 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,037 flowing - she's a model mother, a model wife, 293 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,675 an outstanding lecturer in a communications college, 294 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,154 very impressive in front of my fellow pilots, 295 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,636 and it turns out she takes it all out on her teeth at night. 296 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,672 You know, that's pretty common, actually. 297 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,596 They don't think it has anything to do with stress, 298 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,474 it has to do with, uh, flaws in the structure of the jaw. 299 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,432 You really believe that? No. 300 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,914 - It's connected to her stress. - In what way? 301 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,632 In wh... 302 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,755 OK. 303 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,439 She is a totally repressed person 304 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,393 and all her repressions come out at night, in her sleep. 305 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,317 So she grinds her teeth. 306 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:34,994 Mm. 307 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,271 You think Michaela may have trouble with her feelings too? 308 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,469 (Scoffs) 309 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:45,311 You think I don't feel? Wait till you meet her. Everything is just like clockwork. 310 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,316 Clockwork, it's clockwork. 311 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:51,717 The kids have been going to bed at the same hour since they were two days old. 312 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,354 They got sick on a fixed date. 313 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,710 We'd have sex on a fixed date in a fixed position 314 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,514 and Michaela even farts once a year on a fixed date. 315 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,836 Once a year, on the night after Easter Sunday, she farts. 316 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:09,829 She lets herself fart once, maybe twice. A little one, not that much, then it's over. 317 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,235 No farting for the rest of the year. She's... 318 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:17,149 Man, she's a programmed person. Every emotion is under control. 319 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,475 Sounds like you're a little angry with her. 320 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,518 No. 321 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,233 - Wh... Why... - The way you talk about her. 322 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,033 No. Takes a lot more to make me angry. 323 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,232 I got the impression before when you were speaking that... 324 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,635 maybe you're a little angry with yourself. 325 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,834 I mean, you went all the way to Iraq and you couldn't feel anything. 326 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,395 I don't know. Maybe. 327 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,352 - Have you spoken to Michaela about it? - Mm. 328 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:54,155 Of course. Over our morning coffee. She said, "Yes, honey, I grind my teeth. 329 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,829 "And you only noticed it now? You are such a sweetheart. 330 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,552 "That's what I call love." 331 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,593 And she said, "Please cut down on your coffee, remember what the doctor said." 332 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,996 Since my heart attack, she lets me have one cup of coffee a day. 333 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,554 That battery acid you gave me doesn't count. 334 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,953 OK, OK. 335 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,198 So you don't like Michaela worrying about you, 336 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,356 treating you like you're sick? 337 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,038 (Sighs) 338 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:24,113 It's like she's on a mission, to get me back up in the air asap. 339 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,118 She says I'm fit as a fiddle, I need to get back. 340 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,197 - How long has it been since you've flown? - Two months. 341 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,789 Must be hard to be away from that world, 342 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,718 not to be part of what used to be the... 343 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,910 the centre of your... of your life. 344 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,679 I'm still one of them, you can relax on that. 345 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:46,748 Sitting at home thinking about the possibility that you might never fly again. 346 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,156 Course I'll fly again. People with worse injuries bounce back. 347 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,033 Do you want to go back, Alex? 348 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,116 When the time is right. 349 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,628 Michaela's dying for me to go back. 350 00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,671 And at night, she grinds her teeth like... 351 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,235 Alex, it's not like she... she changed overnight, I mean... 352 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,350 What are you saying? 353 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,119 There are things about Michaela that really bother you 354 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:13,029 because they reflect something inside you that you... you can't live with. 355 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,914 - Like what? - Like her passion for you to fly again. 356 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,112 I'm not 100% convinced that you actually want to go back. 357 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:28,913 Maybe because you're having trouble forgiving yourself. 358 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:35,879 OK, all of this just reinforces my decision to leave home. 359 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,672 What? 360 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:39,919 Wh... 361 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,269 - Why? - Yeah, I don't think... 362 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,759 It's pointless to drag this out for years. 363 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,678 A person decides he's not in love with his spouse, 364 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,952 he shouldn't have to put off leaving home, isn't that so? It's over, it's dead. 365 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,278 Got friends who go to three years of couples therapy and still separate. 366 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,834 So what's the use? I say cut that shit. 367 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:05,078 Don't you think that's a little extreme? It is possible to overcome a crisis. 368 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,270 Do you know what I realised? 369 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,915 That I was never in love with her, with Michaela. 370 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:17,909 Do you know what that means, what a terrible realisation that is? 371 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,957 What do you expect me to do? Find a lover? 372 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,468 Like my dad? 373 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,876 Start coming home late? I don't even have a good excuse any more. 374 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,674 I don't do anything but sit on my ass and watch TV. 375 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,711 So what? 376 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,069 (Footsteps overhead) 377 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,031 You look upset. 378 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:45,200 No, I'm just... I'm just a little concerned, that's all. 379 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,674 Don't be, it's... 380 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,950 - I feel a great relief. - Oh, I'm sure. 381 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:54,198 There must be tremendous relief in just walking away. 382 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,119 - But I'm not convinced it's the solution. - Why not? 383 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,790 I suppose because I ask myself... 384 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,318 who you really leave. 385 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:08,557 Maybe she's a frightening reflection of you. 386 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,149 Maybe you're leaving yourself, not your wife. 387 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,677 Well, that's irrelevant. 388 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:20,510 I have no reason to go back. We're finished, we're done, we're finished. 389 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:24,348 Have you said anything to, uh... to her about it? 390 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:26,792 Not yet. (Clears throat) 391 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:31,789 - I thought I'd consult with you first. - Is this really a consultation? 392 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:37,278 Because again I feel like I'm a rubber stamp for a decision you've already made. 393 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:38,514 No, no. 394 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,632 On the contrary. This meeting clinched the matter. 395 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:46,754 - You can take credit for it. - Why are you always giving me credit? 396 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,234 You know... No, it's not that you give me credit. 397 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:54,513 What you're doing is asking me to accept responsibility for your big decisions. 398 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,835 And you know what? 399 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,713 It's not me making these decisions, it's you. 400 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:04,355 You knew before you walked through that door that you'd go back to Iraq. 401 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:08,757 You knew before you brought up the subject of Michaela's teeth grinding 402 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:10,995 that your marriage was deeply in trouble. 403 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:14,669 These aren't conclusions that you've come to here on this couch 404 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,917 in the last week with my permission. 405 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,436 Aren't these things that have been boiling over inside you 406 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,471 for a very, very long time, Alex? 407 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,750 (Dog barking outside) 408 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,631 I... I got to go. 409 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,310 Like you say, my time is up. 410 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,917 - (Paper rustling) - (Sighs deeply) 411 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,119 Hey, don't worry. I'll keep you posted. 412 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,109 English SDH