1 00:00:01,478 --> 00:00:03,269 Now that I was dating Ryan Shay, 2 00:00:03,277 --> 00:00:05,967 I found myself spending an unnatural amount of time 3 00:00:05,952 --> 00:00:07,711 with his biggest fan... Sheila. 4 00:00:07,711 --> 00:00:08,141 Give it to me, son! 5 00:00:08,166 --> 00:00:09,366 Give it to me. Come on, I can take it! 6 00:00:09,401 --> 00:00:11,473 I want it! Come on. Bring it to mama! 7 00:00:12,059 --> 00:00:14,138 I'm gonna give it to her. 8 00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:16,355 Are you ready to watch me give it to my mom? 9 00:00:23,368 --> 00:00:24,381 Net! 10 00:00:24,813 --> 00:00:25,776 Damn it! 11 00:00:25,896 --> 00:00:27,147 Focus, Ryan! 12 00:00:27,209 --> 00:00:28,629 Focus! Come on, baby! 13 00:00:28,635 --> 00:00:31,150 Focus on delivering your balls right to mama! 14 00:00:31,270 --> 00:00:35,354 Focus on delivering the balls right here! Focus, Ryan! 15 00:00:35,389 --> 00:00:37,638 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. 16 00:00:50,595 --> 00:00:51,677 Aah! 17 00:00:51,884 --> 00:00:53,254 Oh! Ow! 18 00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:55,038 Yes! In your face! 19 00:00:55,158 --> 00:00:56,089 Yes! Whoo! 20 00:00:56,151 --> 00:00:57,409 Chest me! Chest me! 21 00:00:57,396 --> 00:00:59,110 What? What? Oh, my! Ow! 22 00:00:59,129 --> 00:01:00,205 Ryan, I need some ice. 23 00:01:00,249 --> 00:01:01,813 I need some ice. I think I sprained my wrist! 24 00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:03,527 - Whoo! - I think I sprained my wrist. 25 00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:06,599 Tessa, while Lisa's in the bathroom, 26 00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:08,051 can we do a little girl-on-girl? 27 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,752 I mean, it... depends. 28 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,199 I want your take on the Lisa of it all. 29 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:13,068 What does that mean? 30 00:01:13,188 --> 00:01:14,244 By now, we all expected her 31 00:01:14,263 --> 00:01:17,254 to come to her senses and reconcile with Malik. 32 00:01:17,612 --> 00:01:19,200 Malik was the whole package... 33 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,115 chocolate-brown eyes, personable demeanor, 34 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:25,437 supple, dewy skin, which, as you know, won't crack. 35 00:01:25,456 --> 00:01:26,526 Yeah... 36 00:01:26,646 --> 00:01:28,336 I... I don't think she's getting back together with Malik. 37 00:01:28,352 --> 00:01:29,153 Let's be honest. 38 00:01:29,178 --> 00:01:30,699 The boys aren't exactly lining up 39 00:01:30,692 --> 00:01:31,958 outside our door to meet her. 40 00:01:31,993 --> 00:01:35,548 And there's a very strong genetic predisposition 41 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,637 towards spinsterhood in the Shay family. 42 00:01:37,632 --> 00:01:39,032 Is it okay if I get ribs? 43 00:01:39,045 --> 00:01:40,434 Yeah. Whatever you want, tiger. 44 00:01:40,785 --> 00:01:41,986 Lisa has needs, Tessa, 45 00:01:42,036 --> 00:01:43,970 and we need to find someone who's gonna meet them. 46 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,296 I don't know. 47 00:01:46,365 --> 00:01:49,008 I mean, when Lisa and Malik first started dating, 48 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,457 they actually tried to set me up, 49 00:01:50,451 --> 00:01:52,015 and I really resented it. 50 00:01:52,284 --> 00:01:53,967 How do you even know that Lisa wants us to... 51 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:55,369 I want you to. 52 00:01:55,431 --> 00:01:57,928 I can't chase balls forever, Tessa. 53 00:01:58,735 --> 00:01:59,955 I don't have the knees for it. 54 00:02:00,075 --> 00:02:03,322 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 55 00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:14,715 Okay, what is this urgent sit-down about? 56 00:02:15,021 --> 00:02:17,861 Okay, you know how Yakult has been super depressed 57 00:02:17,893 --> 00:02:20,614 since Noah Werner stole our dog Walker Ashanti? 58 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,316 Dallas, I really don't wanna be in the middle 59 00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:23,735 of this feud between you and Noah. 60 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,044 Yakult is suicidal, George. 61 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:28,771 That dog Walker and her were besties. 62 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:33,007 Okay. Have... have you tried buying Yakult a new squeaky toy? 63 00:02:33,032 --> 00:02:34,320 A new squeaky toy? 64 00:02:34,358 --> 00:02:37,543 George, she's questioning her purpose on planet earth. 65 00:02:37,555 --> 00:02:40,033 A new squeaky toy or an $8 milk-bone 66 00:02:40,045 --> 00:02:41,240 is not gonna cut it. 67 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:45,595 So... I called in a professional. 68 00:02:46,446 --> 00:02:48,241 A professional? 69 00:02:53,471 --> 00:02:56,156 - Yani. - Yoni. 70 00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:57,238 What... what's that? 71 00:02:57,256 --> 00:02:58,445 Yoni. 72 00:02:58,565 --> 00:03:00,829 Ah. Right. Forgive me. 73 00:03:00,949 --> 00:03:03,156 I will forgive you when I hear you say it correctly. 74 00:03:03,206 --> 00:03:07,104 "Yoni." Your lips... they must purse 75 00:03:07,135 --> 00:03:09,250 ever so slightly to make this sound... 76 00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:11,056 "Yoni." 77 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,893 Like you're giving a kiss to a lover you thought was gone. 78 00:03:14,149 --> 00:03:17,029 Now suddenly... he's back. 79 00:03:18,403 --> 00:03:20,674 Yoni. 80 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,659 Yoni. 81 00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:26,530 Yoni. 82 00:03:26,542 --> 00:03:27,124 Okay, you can stop. 83 00:03:27,149 --> 00:03:29,256 I'm never saying your name again. George. 84 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,610 Yoni's agreed to heal Yakult's energy 85 00:03:31,635 --> 00:03:33,612 and bring her back from the dark pit of despair. 86 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,283 And for this, he has to be shirtless? 87 00:03:35,333 --> 00:03:36,630 Oh, jealousy... 88 00:03:36,615 --> 00:03:38,932 On top of insecurity, on top of... 89 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:42,021 Painful gases from the heavy breakfast. 90 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,022 Wrong. 91 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,711 I had fruit. So... 92 00:03:45,368 --> 00:03:49,076 What are you looking for in a man, primarily? 93 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:50,296 Limbs. 94 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,906 I mean, I'd like it if he had four, 95 00:03:51,906 --> 00:03:53,347 but I'd certainly be okay with three. 96 00:03:53,351 --> 00:03:54,348 Or two. 97 00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,584 I mean, I guess if he was armless, 98 00:03:55,584 --> 00:03:57,543 we couldn't hold hands, but... 99 00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,639 Yeah, I would consider dating a torso. 100 00:04:00,759 --> 00:04:03,136 "Must... have... 101 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,856 Torso." 102 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:06,846 Anything else? 103 00:04:08,023 --> 00:04:08,848 No. 104 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,149 Lisa, 105 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,884 you're selling yourself short. 106 00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,573 I had a dream last night, Tessa... 107 00:04:16,349 --> 00:04:19,571 And it was sobering. 108 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,008 The year was 2037. 109 00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:25,615 Uh, it said "year 2037" at the bottom of your dream? 110 00:04:25,622 --> 00:04:27,480 Yes. Fred and Sheila were gone. 111 00:04:27,492 --> 00:04:29,169 Long gone. Dead and buried. 112 00:04:29,188 --> 00:04:30,426 But I was still living at home... 113 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,435 In my old room full of cats. 114 00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:33,854 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop... 115 00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:35,922 I'm gonna stop you right there, okay? 116 00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,526 That's ridiculous. I don't need a man, okay? 117 00:04:39,548 --> 00:04:42,583 I have my scooter, and I have you, Inky... 118 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:46,356 Sassafras... Sir Mix-A-Lot, Cat Stevens, 119 00:04:46,381 --> 00:04:48,487 Kat Corbett, Kathmandu, 120 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:51,299 Cream Cheese Rangoon, Mr. Whiskers, 121 00:04:51,318 --> 00:04:54,541 Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul, Patches... 122 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,792 Jeff Garlin. 123 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,432 You named one of your cats "Jeff Garlin"? 124 00:04:59,438 --> 00:05:01,853 I named one of my cats "Cream Cheese Rangoon." 125 00:05:02,266 --> 00:05:05,313 Anyway, I'm sure you can see why the dream was upsetting. 126 00:05:05,344 --> 00:05:08,429 So please, Tessa, I need your help. 127 00:05:08,817 --> 00:05:10,313 I do not wanna die alone 128 00:05:10,327 --> 00:05:12,797 in a bed full of animal dander. 129 00:05:12,917 --> 00:05:15,465 Just don't set me up with any weirdos, okay? 130 00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:17,940 O... kay. 131 00:05:18,969 --> 00:05:21,125 You want me to put Yakult in a cage 132 00:05:21,143 --> 00:05:23,072 like some kind of circus freak? 133 00:05:23,107 --> 00:05:25,085 Dallas, it's not a cage, it's a crate. 134 00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:27,024 And the guy at the pet store said anxious dogs 135 00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:28,156 find crates soothing. 136 00:05:28,175 --> 00:05:31,028 So your plan is to sentence this doggie to prison? 137 00:05:31,148 --> 00:05:32,949 On what grounds, George? 138 00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:34,632 Third-degree cuteness? 139 00:05:34,645 --> 00:05:36,240 Look, you can leave the door unlocked 140 00:05:36,286 --> 00:05:38,202 so she can come and go as she pleases. 141 00:05:38,211 --> 00:05:40,845 Oh, my goodness. I wish you could feel 142 00:05:40,870 --> 00:05:43,529 - how hard her heart is beating right now. - Really? Okay. 143 00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:46,019 You see, Yakult might be stressed 144 00:05:46,031 --> 00:05:47,912 because this house is too big, 145 00:05:47,908 --> 00:05:51,475 and she feels responsible for securing it, 146 00:05:51,475 --> 00:05:52,914 whereas in her... 147 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,272 Filthy prison cell? 148 00:05:54,509 --> 00:05:56,449 George, I can't! Set her free! 149 00:05:56,461 --> 00:05:58,614 Dallas, can we just try this, please? 150 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,096 He doesn't even have a Morgan Freeman 151 00:06:00,096 --> 00:06:04,401 to Shawshank her! I beg you! Attica! 152 00:06:04,401 --> 00:06:07,179 I thought you were interested in making Yakult less anxious. 153 00:06:07,204 --> 00:06:09,112 - I know how to make her less anxious. - Oh. 154 00:06:09,143 --> 00:06:10,445 Keep away you. 155 00:06:10,695 --> 00:06:13,059 I'm sorry, but that was a real... 156 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,049 fragmented sentence. 157 00:06:15,237 --> 00:06:16,492 Keep away who? 158 00:06:17,226 --> 00:06:18,771 This man. This George. 159 00:06:18,777 --> 00:06:20,016 Come on. Dallas... 160 00:06:20,010 --> 00:06:22,124 His negative energy is upsetting Yakult. 161 00:06:22,156 --> 00:06:24,126 She doesn't even look at him as a leader... 162 00:06:24,690 --> 00:06:25,935 or even handsome. 163 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,606 Come here, Yakult. Oh, my gosh. 164 00:06:28,726 --> 00:06:32,004 Y'all, she's shaking like a leaf. 165 00:06:32,047 --> 00:06:34,181 She can't be around all this bickering. 166 00:06:34,218 --> 00:06:36,890 Perhaps... one of us should leave. 167 00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:39,218 Yes. Yes. Perhaps one of us should leave. 168 00:06:41,007 --> 00:06:42,571 Okay, we'll see you later, George. 169 00:06:42,691 --> 00:06:44,311 Really? Me? 170 00:06:44,323 --> 00:06:46,119 Well, Yoni's on the clock. 171 00:06:47,591 --> 00:06:48,558 Right. 172 00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,185 Okay. Good luck. 173 00:06:50,305 --> 00:06:53,069 Uh... well, George, I... 174 00:07:00,471 --> 00:07:02,655 You know, I gotta... I gotta be honest here, Dallas. 175 00:07:03,306 --> 00:07:04,594 If the shoe was on the other foot, 176 00:07:04,645 --> 00:07:05,952 I think you'd be flippin' out right now. 177 00:07:05,962 --> 00:07:07,854 Nonsense. You had your ex-wife 178 00:07:07,873 --> 00:07:09,568 stay over at your place on Thanksgiving, 179 00:07:09,593 --> 00:07:10,876 and I didn't bat an eye. 180 00:07:10,870 --> 00:07:12,766 - That was for Tessa. - This is for Yakult. 181 00:07:12,886 --> 00:07:14,242 Yoni's just staying here 182 00:07:14,261 --> 00:07:16,564 until my puppy's chi is back to chingy. 183 00:07:16,883 --> 00:07:18,854 George, I want you to trust me. 184 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,081 It's not you I don't trust. 185 00:07:22,388 --> 00:07:23,552 It's him. 186 00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,649 No more wheat for you. 187 00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:33,075 She's like a terrorist... in your colon. 188 00:07:38,737 --> 00:07:40,282 Mmm. 189 00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:43,867 Mm. 190 00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:47,721 You are the flower, Jill Warner. 191 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:49,942 You are the flower. 192 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,847 You must hydrate if you want your bud... 193 00:07:56,568 --> 00:07:57,738 to open. 194 00:07:57,858 --> 00:07:58,923 Ohh. 195 00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:00,958 Oh, my. 196 00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:02,274 Oh. 197 00:08:02,336 --> 00:08:04,664 - Did he just open your bud? - Ohh. 198 00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:08,111 Unreal. I've been trying to get her bud open since college. 199 00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:09,187 Mmm. 200 00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,569 She's never expressed any interest in bud play. 201 00:08:11,603 --> 00:08:13,241 Okay, excuse me, Yoni. 202 00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:16,574 Oh. His aura sting my eyes, 203 00:08:16,694 --> 00:08:19,644 like too many shampoo bubbles. 204 00:08:19,678 --> 00:08:21,738 Seriously, when he comes near me, 205 00:08:21,738 --> 00:08:23,653 - I feel... I cry. - You know what? 206 00:08:23,773 --> 00:08:26,587 You may have fooled Dallas and... and Noah and Jill, 207 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,034 and possibly Yakult, but sooner or later, 208 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:30,986 the people of this town are gonna see you 209 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,244 for what you actually are. 210 00:08:32,269 --> 00:08:33,691 You're right. 211 00:08:35,236 --> 00:08:36,667 What? 212 00:08:36,955 --> 00:08:38,250 What? 213 00:08:38,895 --> 00:08:40,365 Yeah. 214 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,093 For a second, I forgot which town I lived in. 215 00:08:44,913 --> 00:08:46,115 Come to me... 216 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,827 and look into my eyes. 217 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:51,730 So a lot of people are finding love online nowadays. 218 00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,748 Perverts, hoarders, deviants. 219 00:08:53,754 --> 00:08:57,769 Yes, but also nice people looking for companionship, 220 00:08:57,803 --> 00:08:58,737 like Lisa. 221 00:08:58,771 --> 00:09:00,071 Tessa, I'm gonna stop you. 222 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,374 I want us to find a suitor for Lisa 223 00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:03,842 the old-fashioned way... 224 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,343 in our dining room. 225 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,519 So... what makes you think you'd be a good fit for this position? 226 00:09:08,639 --> 00:09:10,403 We... well, I'm... I'm reliable. 227 00:09:10,523 --> 00:09:12,461 Uh, I mow the Biedermans' lawn every weekend. 228 00:09:12,581 --> 00:09:14,550 Uh, plus I dispose of my own trimmings, 229 00:09:14,544 --> 00:09:16,290 which a lot of guys don't do. 230 00:09:16,803 --> 00:09:17,889 Jeff. 231 00:09:19,024 --> 00:09:21,139 Did you lure this child here 232 00:09:21,170 --> 00:09:22,794 under false pretenses? 233 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,501 Reggie, what if I told you that the lawn I wanted you to mow 234 00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:28,565 was, in fact, my 16-year-old daughter? 235 00:09:29,166 --> 00:09:31,124 Well, w... would that be a paying job? 236 00:09:31,161 --> 00:09:33,565 Because I... I thought... I thought I was here about a paying job. 237 00:09:33,599 --> 00:09:35,141 Yeah. There is a small stipend. 238 00:09:35,261 --> 00:09:36,334 - Oh, okay. - What? 239 00:09:36,369 --> 00:09:37,318 You can't do that. 240 00:09:37,356 --> 00:09:39,185 You can't pay somebody to date Lisa. 241 00:09:39,207 --> 00:09:40,890 Well, it's either that or cousin Tate. 242 00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:43,149 Who I know firsthand is from a good family. 243 00:09:43,812 --> 00:09:45,651 No. Lisa can't date one of her cousins. 244 00:09:45,639 --> 00:09:47,247 I shouldn't have to tell you that. 245 00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:49,574 Oh, Tessa. Plenty of respectable cousin couples 246 00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:50,744 have found love together. 247 00:09:50,864 --> 00:09:52,020 Look at the Giulianis. 248 00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:53,718 It's a "no." 249 00:09:53,998 --> 00:09:56,713 You know, it's the taboo that makes it thrilling. 250 00:09:57,251 --> 00:09:58,127 Right? 251 00:09:58,247 --> 00:09:59,259 Yeah. 252 00:09:59,592 --> 00:10:02,525 - Release. - Meanwhile, Yoni was one sage leaf closer 253 00:10:02,556 --> 00:10:04,433 to getting what he wanted from the Royces. 254 00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:06,780 Let go of all your negative energy. 255 00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:07,781 You must. 256 00:10:08,669 --> 00:10:10,402 One of my spiritual teachers taught me this. 257 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:11,797 Was it Yoda? 258 00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:14,018 Oh, my gosh. 259 00:10:14,005 --> 00:10:17,309 Look at Yakult. She's sound asleep. 260 00:10:17,359 --> 00:10:18,729 You calmed her, Yoni. 261 00:10:18,735 --> 00:10:20,581 Well, it wasn't so much the work of Yoni 262 00:10:20,615 --> 00:10:23,228 as it was the absence of George. 263 00:10:23,547 --> 00:10:25,793 Every since you banned him from your home 264 00:10:26,221 --> 00:10:29,341 and agreed to not let him... wax your walrus, 265 00:10:30,092 --> 00:10:31,637 the dog has found peace. 266 00:10:31,625 --> 00:10:34,572 Well, we typically don't refer to it as my walrus. 267 00:10:34,978 --> 00:10:38,469 And I don't recall banning George from my home. 268 00:10:38,589 --> 00:10:40,077 You do or you do not want the dog 269 00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:41,178 to make the full recovery? 270 00:10:41,298 --> 00:10:42,192 I do. 271 00:10:42,254 --> 00:10:44,138 Then get her a dish with spring water, 272 00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:45,915 for when she wakes... 273 00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:47,879 she will be thirsty. 274 00:10:49,994 --> 00:10:51,414 Are you my new daddy? 275 00:10:52,103 --> 00:10:53,379 No. 276 00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:56,119 Well, certainly not yet. 277 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,451 But you're trying to be? 278 00:10:57,571 --> 00:10:58,859 You know, it's... 279 00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:00,842 less about me being your daddy 280 00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:03,032 and more about the other guy not being your daddy. 281 00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:05,797 Also I'd like the use of your guest house 282 00:11:05,823 --> 00:11:07,751 for another four to six weeks. 283 00:11:07,785 --> 00:11:10,821 I'm in between places, and my credit is... 284 00:11:10,855 --> 00:11:12,689 you know... 285 00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:13,925 iffy. 286 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,334 Hey, Lisa. 287 00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,060 I want you to know I'm working on the man sitch, 288 00:11:18,073 --> 00:11:20,150 but your parents aren't really making it easy. 289 00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:22,171 You know what? That's... that's okay, Tessa. 290 00:11:22,178 --> 00:11:23,033 I'm good to go. 291 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:23,973 Good to go? 292 00:11:23,992 --> 00:11:25,702 Uh, I've... 293 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,489 I've found someone. 294 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,061 Please tell me it isn't your cousin Tate. 295 00:11:30,181 --> 00:11:31,106 Ooh! 296 00:11:31,144 --> 00:11:32,709 What's the haps, sweet cheeks? 297 00:11:32,744 --> 00:11:34,203 I got some giant sour gumballs 298 00:11:34,197 --> 00:11:36,449 - that turn your teeth crazy colors. - You interested? 299 00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:38,333 Oh, I'm interested. 300 00:11:38,358 --> 00:11:39,635 I'm real interested. 301 00:11:39,755 --> 00:11:41,487 Take a picture, red. It'll last longer. 302 00:11:41,487 --> 00:11:42,713 - Lisa Marie Shay. - Yes? 303 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,612 - This kid is in middle school. - Taking ninth grade math. 304 00:11:45,732 --> 00:11:47,218 Boom. 305 00:11:47,261 --> 00:11:49,414 He... he makes me laugh, Tessa. 306 00:11:49,952 --> 00:11:52,423 He makes me laugh, and he brings me sour stuff, 307 00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:55,445 and... when I'm with him, I just feel... 308 00:11:55,451 --> 00:11:56,595 Prepubescent? 309 00:11:56,664 --> 00:11:58,635 You know I'm your boyfriend's math tutor, right? 310 00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:00,049 Ho ho ho. 311 00:12:00,169 --> 00:12:02,020 Double boom. 312 00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:12,679 I don't care if he is Ryan's math tutor, 313 00:12:12,671 --> 00:12:14,517 there's no one weirder online 314 00:12:14,564 --> 00:12:16,096 than A.J. 315 00:12:16,216 --> 00:12:19,764 After sifting through a bunch of responses from ren faire guys, 316 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,128 I pulled Lisa's photo, and decided to fly blind. 317 00:12:23,151 --> 00:12:24,973 I didn't want to much importance on looks, 318 00:12:24,965 --> 00:12:27,265 or guys who only cared about looks. 319 00:12:27,385 --> 00:12:29,056 I wanted more for Lisa. 320 00:12:31,027 --> 00:12:33,709 Tessa, I hate when people put half-empty milk cards 321 00:12:33,905 --> 00:12:35,579 back in the fridge without saying anything. 322 00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:37,127 To me it doesn't look half-empty. 323 00:12:37,151 --> 00:12:38,285 It looks half-full. 324 00:12:38,308 --> 00:12:40,318 Oh... I... I see. So... 325 00:12:40,724 --> 00:12:42,703 you think I'm negative too, huh? 326 00:12:42,823 --> 00:12:44,017 I'm just saying there's plenty of milk. 327 00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:46,082 Yeah, but because I don't think there's plenty of milk, 328 00:12:46,083 --> 00:12:47,083 I'm... I'm a bad person, 329 00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:51,149 an undesirable partner, is that it? 330 00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:54,496 - Are you ok? - No! No, apparently I'm not ok. 331 00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:57,014 Apparently I'm negative, and dark and moody. 332 00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:00,048 Quoting the man that's shacking up with my girlfriend. 333 00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,333 - Dallas is shacking up with... - Yoni! 334 00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,680 - He's back. - Yani is back?! 335 00:13:05,735 --> 00:13:08,190 No. No, not Yani. Yoni. 336 00:13:08,310 --> 00:13:10,677 Yoni. Yo... ni. 337 00:13:10,797 --> 00:13:12,037 To say his name you must purse your lips 338 00:13:12,038 --> 00:13:13,038 as if you were giving a kiss to someone I'm in a relationship with. 339 00:13:15,525 --> 00:13:16,463 Yoni. 340 00:13:17,925 --> 00:13:21,437 - Yoni. - Ok. Wow. Dad, take it from me. 341 00:13:21,743 --> 00:13:24,652 The dating scene is pretty dry right now. So... 342 00:13:25,106 --> 00:13:29,323 unless you want to engage in some 16th-century role-play 343 00:13:29,911 --> 00:13:33,334 and joust for your maiden, I suggest you quit moping. 344 00:13:35,369 --> 00:13:38,441 Oh. And, father, if you can't outsmart... 345 00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:40,480 Yoni, 346 00:13:41,006 --> 00:13:44,190 well, then perhaps you are not my father at all. 347 00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:47,288 Fine. I'll reclaim my wench... 348 00:13:48,169 --> 00:13:49,809 and get some more milk. 349 00:13:50,234 --> 00:13:51,367 Okay, seven bites of meat 350 00:13:51,392 --> 00:13:52,849 before you make a beeline for desert. 351 00:13:52,849 --> 00:13:53,638 You hear me, mister? 352 00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:55,796 I'm about to make a beeline for something else. 353 00:13:55,821 --> 00:13:56,835 How 'bout a kiss, dollface? 354 00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,493 Okay, don't get fresh. 355 00:13:58,518 --> 00:14:00,126 Lisa, I need to talk to you. 356 00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:02,275 - What? - Alone. 357 00:14:02,502 --> 00:14:04,392 Oh... okay. 358 00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:06,231 Just... just one second there. 359 00:14:06,688 --> 00:14:07,670 What is this all about? 360 00:14:07,701 --> 00:14:11,480 It's about finding you a man who can cut his own meat. 361 00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:13,720 Look. 362 00:14:13,754 --> 00:14:15,436 Tessa, did you place a personal ad for me 363 00:14:15,403 --> 00:14:16,298 on the world wide web? 364 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,593 Yes, Lisa, I did. 365 00:14:17,713 --> 00:14:20,527 And I got a response from a guy who sounds pretty great. 366 00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:21,378 Listen. 367 00:14:21,762 --> 00:14:24,025 "Let's hold hands, not devices." 368 00:14:24,044 --> 00:14:25,032 He has hands? 369 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,733 Or do you think he's just lying to sound good? 370 00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,542 No, I think he has hands. 371 00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:30,514 What? 372 00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,087 I can't believe A.J. would defy me 373 00:14:35,087 --> 00:14:35,969 and go straight for desert. 374 00:14:35,987 --> 00:14:37,814 No way he had seven bites of meat. No way. 375 00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:40,561 Okay. I'm in. But you and Ryan have to come. Just... 376 00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,087 Okay, great. Double date. Sounds fun. 377 00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,883 Okay. Just... will you excuse me? 378 00:14:43,889 --> 00:14:45,497 I have to put somebody in a time-out. 379 00:14:45,617 --> 00:14:46,792 Anthony James, 380 00:14:46,968 --> 00:14:48,557 how many times have we had this conversation? 381 00:14:48,557 --> 00:14:50,164 Food is a privilege. 382 00:14:51,353 --> 00:14:53,768 Sometimes, instead of walking away from a problem, 383 00:14:53,812 --> 00:14:57,716 you have to do the opposite and take it for a walk. 384 00:15:02,212 --> 00:15:03,779 Not a word. 385 00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:09,909 Daddy Altman? 386 00:15:10,253 --> 00:15:11,692 Are you abducting our dog? 387 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,019 What? No. No. 388 00:15:13,207 --> 00:15:15,624 No, I was, uh, I was just gonna take her for a walk. 389 00:15:16,191 --> 00:15:17,242 Uh... 390 00:15:18,056 --> 00:15:19,201 wanna come with? 391 00:15:21,105 --> 00:15:22,954 And I guess I'm just having a hard time 392 00:15:22,942 --> 00:15:25,176 wrapping my head around why a loving God 393 00:15:25,188 --> 00:15:27,244 would ask Abraham or whatever 394 00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:30,013 to sacrifice his, like, precious son. 395 00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:33,397 I mean, what kind of power trip must he have been on? 396 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,611 And also if I do go down this route, 397 00:15:35,662 --> 00:15:38,677 I totally got jerked on the whole bat mitzvah thing. 398 00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,580 And in closing, kugel... 399 00:15:42,443 --> 00:15:43,407 Why? 400 00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:47,292 Well, those... those are all good questions. 401 00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:48,512 Thank you. 402 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:49,913 Ex... except the last one. 403 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,778 Man, it's so great to hear 404 00:15:51,898 --> 00:15:53,573 what's going on inside your head. 405 00:15:53,693 --> 00:15:54,843 Yeah. 406 00:15:55,525 --> 00:15:57,822 And also, I'm failing science. 407 00:15:57,942 --> 00:16:00,424 While George continued uncovering the mystery 408 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:01,382 that was Dalia, 409 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,847 I was selling Lisa on the merits of her mystery date. 410 00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,542 - Okay, so listen to this. - Yeah? 411 00:16:05,761 --> 00:16:08,476 Every morning at dawn, he writes a poem. 412 00:16:08,596 --> 00:16:11,817 And every evening at sunset, he burns it. 413 00:16:12,017 --> 00:16:13,262 Why? 414 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:16,378 Because the poem only belonged to the day. 415 00:16:16,747 --> 00:16:17,798 Wow. 416 00:16:17,842 --> 00:16:20,307 I mean, talking about holding yourself to a high standard. 417 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,859 No, I know. That's what it's all about, right? 418 00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:24,735 - Totally. - Yeah. 419 00:16:24,748 --> 00:16:28,270 Oh, and I... I... I brought a copy of his favorite book 420 00:16:28,390 --> 00:16:29,528 so we could discuss it at dinner. 421 00:16:29,547 --> 00:16:32,288 I'm only six chapters through, but so far, it's really good. 422 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,571 Great. Um, so I guess 423 00:16:34,691 --> 00:16:37,499 I'll just listen to you guys while you talk about it, or... 424 00:16:37,512 --> 00:16:39,139 Crap. 425 00:16:39,383 --> 00:16:41,447 I totally should have had you read it. 426 00:16:41,441 --> 00:16:42,260 It's okay. 427 00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:44,537 I guess just 'cause we've been e-mailing back and forth, 428 00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:46,483 I kind of got sucked in. 429 00:16:47,146 --> 00:16:49,155 Are you falling for my Internet boyfriend 430 00:16:49,173 --> 00:16:50,537 before I've had a chance to? 431 00:16:50,569 --> 00:16:51,839 Don't be ridiculous. 432 00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:53,723 I'm very happy with my boyfriend, 433 00:16:53,741 --> 00:16:54,855 and you're gonna be really happy... 434 00:16:54,886 --> 00:16:57,758 with my ex-boyfriend. 435 00:16:58,109 --> 00:16:59,035 Scott Strauss. 436 00:16:59,155 --> 00:17:00,449 Tessa. 437 00:17:00,569 --> 00:17:02,620 I found an awesome parking spot. 438 00:17:03,008 --> 00:17:04,785 Sorry. We're handicapped, right? 439 00:17:04,905 --> 00:17:06,787 Right. Very. 440 00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:15,584 If a flicker of regret crossed my mind, 441 00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:17,661 it was erased by the time the first chunk 442 00:17:17,674 --> 00:17:19,626 of cheese-soaked baguette hit my lips. 443 00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:21,728 Listening to him talk, I was reminded 444 00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:23,992 of the great Scott Strauss paradox... 445 00:17:24,112 --> 00:17:25,876 how could someone who looks so good on paper 446 00:17:25,882 --> 00:17:30,198 and look so good in person be such a freakin' bore? 447 00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:33,452 Let's think about that as we share this cheese. 448 00:17:33,572 --> 00:17:36,381 So I heard you were journaling in Barcelona? 449 00:17:36,449 --> 00:17:38,462 Barcelona destroyed me. 450 00:17:38,496 --> 00:17:40,378 Nearly destroyed my whole family. 451 00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:41,930 I'll never go back there. 452 00:17:41,924 --> 00:17:43,544 No, I... I know what you mean. 453 00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:46,751 My family stayed at an all-inclusive in Cancun, 454 00:17:46,871 --> 00:17:48,692 and... it wasn't great. 455 00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:54,931 Although I did like that you could pay for things with beads. 456 00:17:55,051 --> 00:17:56,495 I have a question. 457 00:17:57,001 --> 00:17:59,198 How do you get your hair so silky? 458 00:17:59,254 --> 00:18:01,306 You have to admit, it's incredibly silky. 459 00:18:01,426 --> 00:18:04,090 I use jojoba oil that I hand-squeeze 460 00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:06,411 from organic jojoba seeds that I grow 461 00:18:06,424 --> 00:18:09,133 in a planter that I built from jojoba husks. 462 00:18:09,152 --> 00:18:11,016 Oh, my God. Stop saying "jojoba." 463 00:18:13,638 --> 00:18:16,080 - A lot of people don't know that. - Mnh-mnh. 464 00:18:16,072 --> 00:18:18,907 I didn't mean to sound condescending. - No, no. 465 00:18:18,944 --> 00:18:21,165 Just truly, people don't know that. 466 00:18:21,177 --> 00:18:24,099 Back to your hair... may I feel it? 467 00:18:25,376 --> 00:18:26,627 I want you to. 468 00:18:30,982 --> 00:18:33,021 Jojoba. 469 00:18:34,842 --> 00:18:36,694 Tessa, leave me for him. You have to. 470 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:37,626 No. 471 00:18:37,638 --> 00:18:39,090 There's no accounting for love, 472 00:18:39,090 --> 00:18:41,372 but when you find the right person, you know it. 473 00:18:42,407 --> 00:18:44,408 Lisa! Baby, I miss us! 474 00:18:44,464 --> 00:18:45,641 Lisa! 475 00:18:45,761 --> 00:18:46,736 Oh, my God. 476 00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:48,156 Lisa? 477 00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:50,840 Lisa! 478 00:18:50,846 --> 00:18:52,680 Hey. Where are you going? 479 00:18:52,667 --> 00:18:54,219 Tessa, I'm... I'm sorry, 480 00:18:54,256 --> 00:18:56,352 but I have to get out of here. 481 00:18:56,377 --> 00:18:58,391 This dinner is destroying me. 482 00:18:58,416 --> 00:19:01,557 I'm not gonna find love in this restaurant. Not tonight. 483 00:19:01,594 --> 00:19:03,447 How do you know? 484 00:19:04,691 --> 00:19:07,263 Because I f... found it once. 485 00:19:08,702 --> 00:19:10,473 And I... I remember what it felt like, 486 00:19:10,504 --> 00:19:12,250 and I, um, I just think 487 00:19:12,262 --> 00:19:15,878 I'm gonna need to learn to be alone... 488 00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,628 for now. 489 00:19:20,714 --> 00:19:23,085 Unless you wanna sleep over. 490 00:19:25,175 --> 00:19:26,370 Yeah, I'll sleep over. 491 00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,491 Okay. Thanks. 492 00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,576 Oh, my gosh! Look at Yakult! 493 00:19:32,626 --> 00:19:34,923 She's got a spring in her step again. 494 00:19:35,154 --> 00:19:37,901 I haven't seen her go that hard since she was a puppy. 495 00:19:38,495 --> 00:19:39,590 Really? 496 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,093 Ugh. No wonder why I was feeling body ache, 497 00:19:42,118 --> 00:19:43,883 chills, and a loose stool coming on. 498 00:19:44,003 --> 00:19:46,317 I knew it was either George Altman 499 00:19:46,329 --> 00:19:47,994 or a parasitic tapeworm. 500 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,690 Oh, wait. I forgot. 501 00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:53,443 Same thing. Burn. 502 00:19:53,837 --> 00:19:55,634 I've been taking the girls on some walks, 503 00:19:55,646 --> 00:19:58,311 spending a little quality time with the both of them. 504 00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,295 And they have never been happier. 505 00:20:00,551 --> 00:20:01,771 It's true. 506 00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:04,374 And daddy Altman lets me walk off the leash. 507 00:20:04,424 --> 00:20:05,569 Yoni. 508 00:20:05,582 --> 00:20:06,939 You said dog walking was 509 00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,630 poochie propaganda perpetuated by the poop bag peeps. 510 00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:12,364 Yeah. The truth is, I... 511 00:20:12,659 --> 00:20:14,473 I don't really know much about dogs. 512 00:20:14,511 --> 00:20:16,482 So... George was right? 513 00:20:16,769 --> 00:20:19,441 This was just an elaborate ruse to try to get me back 514 00:20:19,473 --> 00:20:20,874 because you're still in love with me? 515 00:20:20,943 --> 00:20:22,050 No. 516 00:20:22,307 --> 00:20:24,222 He just doesn't want daddy Altman to have you. 517 00:20:24,253 --> 00:20:25,980 A... and he wants to stay in your guest house, 518 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,019 because his credit is iffy. 519 00:20:28,082 --> 00:20:29,014 It is not my fault. 520 00:20:29,052 --> 00:20:31,428 I was living with this chick that I met at burning man. 521 00:20:31,453 --> 00:20:32,686 She was on ecstasy, 522 00:20:32,806 --> 00:20:34,801 and she got a hold of my P.I.N. number. 523 00:20:34,869 --> 00:20:36,296 Nobody cares, Yoni. 524 00:20:36,315 --> 00:20:37,741 It's time for you to go. 525 00:20:37,766 --> 00:20:39,993 Wait, wait. Let... let me just stay for four to six weeks. 526 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,220 Four to six weeks? 527 00:20:41,238 --> 00:20:43,071 Can I at least borrow 5 bucks for cigarettes? 528 00:20:43,065 --> 00:20:44,066 - No! - No. 529 00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:46,243 Come on, Yakult. 530 00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,445 Let's go play that game daddy Altman invented 531 00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:51,392 where I throw a ball and you bring it back. 532 00:20:51,656 --> 00:20:53,601 What's it called? 533 00:20:53,721 --> 00:20:55,202 "Bring it back"? 534 00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:57,327 Mm-hmm. 535 00:20:58,726 --> 00:21:00,083 Come on, Yakult. 536 00:21:01,084 --> 00:21:02,943 You know she's failing science, right? 537 00:21:03,063 --> 00:21:04,644 - What? - Yeah. 538 00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,784 Well, how do you know that? 539 00:21:06,904 --> 00:21:08,623 I talked to her. 540 00:21:08,617 --> 00:21:11,545 She's also toying with the idea of converting to Judaism. 541 00:21:11,665 --> 00:21:13,090 - Dalia is? - Yeah. 542 00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:14,210 So what now? 543 00:21:14,330 --> 00:21:17,076 Take the damn dog for a walk around the block 544 00:21:17,348 --> 00:21:19,760 and do science flash cards as we go? 545 00:21:19,766 --> 00:21:21,749 Stop for bagels along the way? 546 00:21:21,799 --> 00:21:22,913 Sound like a plan. 547 00:21:22,944 --> 00:21:25,446 No more healers, dog walkers, or gurus. 548 00:21:25,434 --> 00:21:29,257 From now on, we handle all our problems ourselves. 549 00:21:29,377 --> 00:21:30,746 So wait... 550 00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:33,530 the dog throws the ball, and I do what now? 551 00:21:34,506 --> 00:21:35,595 You know what? 552 00:21:35,582 --> 00:21:37,803 We might want to hire a specialist for this one. 553 00:21:40,226 --> 00:21:45,513 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -