1 00:00:02,078 --> 00:00:03,869 Now that I was dating Ryan Shay, 2 00:00:03,877 --> 00:00:06,567 I found myself spending an unnatural amount of time 3 00:00:06,552 --> 00:00:08,311 with his biggest fan... Sheila. 4 00:00:08,311 --> 00:00:08,741 Give it to me, son! 5 00:00:08,766 --> 00:00:09,966 Give it to me. Come on, I can take it! 6 00:00:10,001 --> 00:00:12,073 I want it! Come on. Bring it to mama! 7 00:00:12,659 --> 00:00:14,738 I'm gonna give it to her. 8 00:00:14,940 --> 00:00:16,955 Are you ready to watch me give it to my mom? 9 00:00:23,968 --> 00:00:24,981 Net! 10 00:00:25,413 --> 00:00:26,376 Damn it! 11 00:00:26,496 --> 00:00:27,747 Focus, Ryan! 12 00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:29,229 Focus! Come on, baby! 13 00:00:29,235 --> 00:00:31,750 Focus on delivering your balls right to mama! 14 00:00:31,870 --> 00:00:35,954 Focus on delivering the balls right here! Focus, Ryan! 15 00:00:35,989 --> 00:00:38,238 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. 16 00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:52,277 Aah! 17 00:00:52,484 --> 00:00:53,854 Oh! Ow! 18 00:00:53,867 --> 00:00:55,638 Yes! In your face! 19 00:00:55,758 --> 00:00:56,689 Yes! Whoo! 20 00:00:56,751 --> 00:00:58,009 Chest me! Chest me! 21 00:00:57,996 --> 00:00:59,710 What? What? Oh, my! Ow! 22 00:00:59,729 --> 00:01:00,805 Ryan, I need some ice. 23 00:01:00,849 --> 00:01:02,413 I need some ice. I think I sprained my wrist! 24 00:01:02,533 --> 00:01:04,127 - Whoo! - I think I sprained my wrist. 25 00:01:05,435 --> 00:01:07,199 Tessa, while Lisa's in the bathroom, 26 00:01:07,218 --> 00:01:08,651 can we do a little girl-on-girl? 27 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,352 I mean, it... depends. 28 00:01:10,365 --> 00:01:12,799 I want your take on the Lisa of it all. 29 00:01:12,919 --> 00:01:13,668 What does that mean? 30 00:01:13,788 --> 00:01:14,844 By now, we all expected her 31 00:01:14,863 --> 00:01:17,854 to come to her senses and reconcile with Malik. 32 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,800 Malik was the whole package... 33 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,715 chocolate-brown eyes, personable demeanor, 34 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:26,037 supple, dewy skin, which, as you know, won't crack. 35 00:01:26,056 --> 00:01:27,126 Yeah... 36 00:01:27,246 --> 00:01:28,936 I... I don't think she's getting back together with Malik. 37 00:01:28,952 --> 00:01:29,753 Let's be honest. 38 00:01:29,778 --> 00:01:31,299 The boys aren't exactly lining up 39 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,558 outside our door to meet her. 40 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:36,148 And there's a very strong genetic predisposition 41 00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:38,237 towards spinsterhood in the Shay family. 42 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,632 Is it okay if I get ribs? 43 00:01:39,645 --> 00:01:41,034 Yeah. Whatever you want, tiger. 44 00:01:41,385 --> 00:01:42,586 Lisa has needs, Tessa, 45 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,570 and we need to find someone who's gonna meet them. 46 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:46,896 I don't know. 47 00:01:46,965 --> 00:01:49,608 I mean, when Lisa and Malik first started dating, 48 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:51,057 they actually tried to set me up, 49 00:01:51,051 --> 00:01:52,615 and I really resented it. 50 00:01:52,884 --> 00:01:54,567 How do you even know that Lisa wants us to... 51 00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:55,969 I want you to. 52 00:01:56,031 --> 00:01:58,528 I can't chase balls forever, Tessa. 53 00:01:59,335 --> 00:02:00,555 I don't have the knees for it. 54 00:02:00,675 --> 00:02:03,922 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 55 00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:15,315 Okay, what is this urgent sit-down about? 56 00:02:15,621 --> 00:02:18,461 Okay, you know how Yakult has been super depressed 57 00:02:18,493 --> 00:02:21,214 since Noah Werner stole our dog Walker Ashanti? 58 00:02:21,239 --> 00:02:22,916 Dallas, I really don't wanna be in the middle 59 00:02:22,941 --> 00:02:24,335 of this feud between you and Noah. 60 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,644 Yakult is suicidal, George. 61 00:02:26,879 --> 00:02:29,371 That dog Walker and her were besties. 62 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:33,607 Okay. Have... have you tried buying Yakult a new squeaky toy? 63 00:02:33,632 --> 00:02:34,920 A new squeaky toy? 64 00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:38,143 George, she's questioning her purpose on planet earth. 65 00:02:38,155 --> 00:02:40,633 A new squeaky toy or an $8 milk-bone 66 00:02:40,645 --> 00:02:41,840 is not gonna cut it. 67 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:46,195 So... I called in a professional. 68 00:02:47,046 --> 00:02:48,841 A professional? 69 00:02:54,071 --> 00:02:56,756 - Yani. - Yoni. 70 00:02:56,876 --> 00:02:57,838 What... what's that? 71 00:02:57,856 --> 00:02:59,045 Yoni. 72 00:02:59,165 --> 00:03:01,429 Ah. Right. Forgive me. 73 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,756 I will forgive you when I hear you say it correctly. 74 00:03:03,806 --> 00:03:07,704 "Yoni." Your lips... they must purse 75 00:03:07,735 --> 00:03:09,850 ever so slightly to make this sound... 76 00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:11,656 "Yoni." 77 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,493 Like you're giving a kiss to a lover you thought was gone. 78 00:03:14,749 --> 00:03:17,629 Now suddenly... he's back. 79 00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:21,274 Yoni. 80 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,259 Yoni. 81 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,130 Yoni. 82 00:03:27,142 --> 00:03:27,724 Okay, you can stop. 83 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,856 I'm never saying your name again. George. 84 00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,210 Yoni's agreed to heal Yakult's energy 85 00:03:32,235 --> 00:03:34,212 and bring her back from the dark pit of despair. 86 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:35,883 And for this, he has to be shirtless? 87 00:03:35,933 --> 00:03:37,230 Oh, jealousy... 88 00:03:37,215 --> 00:03:39,532 On top of insecurity, on top of... 89 00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:42,621 Painful gases from the heavy breakfast. 90 00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:43,622 Wrong. 91 00:03:43,656 --> 00:03:45,311 I had fruit. So... 92 00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:49,676 What are you looking for in a man, primarily? 93 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:50,896 Limbs. 94 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,506 I mean, I'd like it if he had four, 95 00:03:52,506 --> 00:03:53,947 but I'd certainly be okay with three. 96 00:03:53,951 --> 00:03:54,948 Or two. 97 00:03:55,008 --> 00:03:56,184 I mean, I guess if he was armless, 98 00:03:56,184 --> 00:03:58,143 we couldn't hold hands, but... 99 00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,239 Yeah, I would consider dating a torso. 100 00:04:01,359 --> 00:04:03,736 "Must... have... 101 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:05,456 Torso." 102 00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:07,446 Anything else? 103 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:09,448 No. 104 00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:10,749 Lisa, 105 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:12,484 you're selling yourself short. 106 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:15,173 I had a dream last night, Tessa... 107 00:04:16,949 --> 00:04:20,171 And it was sobering. 108 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,608 The year was 2037. 109 00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:26,215 Uh, it said "year 2037" at the bottom of your dream? 110 00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:28,080 Yes. Fred and Sheila were gone. 111 00:04:28,092 --> 00:04:29,769 Long gone. Dead and buried. 112 00:04:29,788 --> 00:04:31,026 But I was still living at home... 113 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:33,035 In my old room full of cats. 114 00:04:33,155 --> 00:04:34,454 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop... 115 00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:36,522 I'm gonna stop you right there, okay? 116 00:04:36,642 --> 00:04:40,126 That's ridiculous. I don't need a man, okay? 117 00:04:40,148 --> 00:04:43,183 I have my scooter, and I have you, Inky... 118 00:04:43,633 --> 00:04:46,956 Sassafras... Sir Mix-A-Lot, Cat Stevens, 119 00:04:46,981 --> 00:04:49,087 Kat Corbett, Kathmandu, 120 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,899 Cream Cheese Rangoon, Mr. Whiskers, 121 00:04:51,918 --> 00:04:55,141 Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul, Patches... 122 00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:57,392 Jeff Garlin. 123 00:04:57,697 --> 00:05:00,032 You named one of your cats "Jeff Garlin"? 124 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:02,453 I named one of my cats "Cream Cheese Rangoon." 125 00:05:02,866 --> 00:05:05,913 Anyway, I'm sure you can see why the dream was upsetting. 126 00:05:05,944 --> 00:05:09,029 So please, Tessa, I need your help. 127 00:05:09,417 --> 00:05:10,913 I do not wanna die alone 128 00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,397 in a bed full of animal dander. 129 00:05:13,517 --> 00:05:16,065 Just don't set me up with any weirdos, okay? 130 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:18,540 O... kay. 131 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,725 You want me to put Yakult in a cage 132 00:05:21,743 --> 00:05:23,672 like some kind of circus freak? 133 00:05:23,707 --> 00:05:25,685 Dallas, it's not a cage, it's a crate. 134 00:05:25,679 --> 00:05:27,624 And the guy at the pet store said anxious dogs 135 00:05:27,644 --> 00:05:28,756 find crates soothing. 136 00:05:28,775 --> 00:05:31,628 So your plan is to sentence this doggie to prison? 137 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,549 On what grounds, George? 138 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,232 Third-degree cuteness? 139 00:05:35,245 --> 00:05:36,840 Look, you can leave the door unlocked 140 00:05:36,886 --> 00:05:38,802 so she can come and go as she pleases. 141 00:05:38,811 --> 00:05:41,445 Oh, my goodness. I wish you could feel 142 00:05:41,470 --> 00:05:44,129 - how hard her heart is beating right now. - Really? Okay. 143 00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,619 You see, Yakult might be stressed 144 00:05:46,631 --> 00:05:48,512 because this house is too big, 145 00:05:48,508 --> 00:05:52,075 and she feels responsible for securing it, 146 00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:53,514 whereas in her... 147 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,872 Filthy prison cell? 148 00:05:55,109 --> 00:05:57,049 George, I can't! Set her free! 149 00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:59,214 Dallas, can we just try this, please? 150 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:00,696 He doesn't even have a Morgan Freeman 151 00:06:00,696 --> 00:06:05,001 to Shawshank her! I beg you! Attica! 152 00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:07,779 I thought you were interested in making Yakult less anxious. 153 00:06:07,804 --> 00:06:09,712 - I know how to make her less anxious. - Oh. 154 00:06:09,743 --> 00:06:11,045 Keep away you. 155 00:06:11,295 --> 00:06:13,659 I'm sorry, but that was a real... 156 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,649 fragmented sentence. 157 00:06:15,837 --> 00:06:17,092 Keep away who? 158 00:06:17,826 --> 00:06:19,371 This man. This George. 159 00:06:19,377 --> 00:06:20,616 Come on. Dallas... 160 00:06:20,610 --> 00:06:22,724 His negative energy is upsetting Yakult. 161 00:06:22,756 --> 00:06:24,726 She doesn't even look at him as a leader... 162 00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:26,535 or even handsome. 163 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,206 Come here, Yakult. Oh, my gosh. 164 00:06:29,326 --> 00:06:32,604 Y'all, she's shaking like a leaf. 165 00:06:32,647 --> 00:06:34,781 She can't be around all this bickering. 166 00:06:34,818 --> 00:06:37,490 Perhaps... one of us should leave. 167 00:06:37,534 --> 00:06:39,818 Yes. Yes. Perhaps one of us should leave. 168 00:06:41,607 --> 00:06:43,171 Okay, we'll see you later, George. 169 00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:44,911 Really? Me? 170 00:06:44,923 --> 00:06:46,719 Well, Yoni's on the clock. 171 00:06:48,191 --> 00:06:49,158 Right. 172 00:06:49,641 --> 00:06:50,785 Okay. Good luck. 173 00:06:50,905 --> 00:06:53,669 Uh... well, George, I... 174 00:06:56,571 --> 00:06:58,755 You know, I gotta... I gotta be honest here, Dallas. 175 00:06:59,406 --> 00:07:00,694 If the shoe was on the other foot, 176 00:07:00,745 --> 00:07:02,052 I think you'd be flippin' out right now. 177 00:07:02,062 --> 00:07:03,954 Nonsense. You had your ex-wife 178 00:07:03,973 --> 00:07:05,668 stay over at your place on Thanksgiving, 179 00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:06,976 and I didn't bat an eye. 180 00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:08,866 - That was for Tessa. - This is for Yakult. 181 00:07:08,986 --> 00:07:10,342 Yoni's just staying here 182 00:07:10,361 --> 00:07:12,664 until my puppy's chi is back to chingy. 183 00:07:12,983 --> 00:07:14,954 George, I want you to trust me. 184 00:07:14,997 --> 00:07:17,181 It's not you I don't trust. 185 00:07:18,488 --> 00:07:19,652 It's him. 186 00:07:23,948 --> 00:07:25,749 No more wheat for you. 187 00:07:26,190 --> 00:07:29,175 She's like a terrorist... in your colon. 188 00:07:34,837 --> 00:07:36,382 Mmm. 189 00:07:38,928 --> 00:07:39,967 Mm. 190 00:07:40,999 --> 00:07:43,821 You are the flower, Jill Warner. 191 00:07:44,785 --> 00:07:46,042 You are the flower. 192 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,947 You must hydrate if you want your bud... 193 00:07:52,668 --> 00:07:53,838 to open. 194 00:07:53,958 --> 00:07:55,023 Ohh. 195 00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:57,058 Oh, my. 196 00:07:57,093 --> 00:07:58,374 Oh. 197 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,764 - Did he just open your bud? - Ohh. 198 00:08:00,884 --> 00:08:04,211 Unreal. I've been trying to get her bud open since college. 199 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:05,287 Mmm. 200 00:08:05,306 --> 00:08:07,669 She's never expressed any interest in bud play. 201 00:08:07,703 --> 00:08:09,341 Okay, excuse me, Yoni. 202 00:08:09,548 --> 00:08:12,674 Oh. His aura sting my eyes, 203 00:08:12,794 --> 00:08:15,744 like too many shampoo bubbles. 204 00:08:15,778 --> 00:08:17,838 Seriously, when he comes near me, 205 00:08:17,838 --> 00:08:19,753 - I feel... I cry. - You know what? 206 00:08:19,873 --> 00:08:22,687 You may have fooled Dallas and... and Noah and Jill, 207 00:08:22,706 --> 00:08:25,134 and possibly Yakult, but sooner or later, 208 00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,086 the people of this town are gonna see you 209 00:08:27,111 --> 00:08:28,344 for what you actually are. 210 00:08:28,369 --> 00:08:29,791 You're right. 211 00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:32,767 What? 212 00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:34,350 What? 213 00:08:34,995 --> 00:08:36,465 Yeah. 214 00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:39,193 For a second, I forgot which town I lived in. 215 00:08:41,013 --> 00:08:42,215 Come to me... 216 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:44,927 and look into my eyes. 217 00:08:44,961 --> 00:08:47,830 So a lot of people are finding love online nowadays. 218 00:08:47,864 --> 00:08:49,848 Perverts, hoarders, deviants. 219 00:08:49,854 --> 00:08:53,869 Yes, but also nice people looking for companionship, 220 00:08:53,903 --> 00:08:54,837 like Lisa. 221 00:08:54,871 --> 00:08:56,171 Tessa, I'm gonna stop you. 222 00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:58,474 I want us to find a suitor for Lisa 223 00:08:58,508 --> 00:08:59,942 the old-fashioned way... 224 00:08:59,976 --> 00:09:01,443 in our dining room. 225 00:09:01,478 --> 00:09:04,619 So... what makes you think you'd be a good fit for this position? 226 00:09:04,739 --> 00:09:06,503 We... well, I'm... I'm reliable. 227 00:09:06,623 --> 00:09:08,561 Uh, I mow the Biedermans' lawn every weekend. 228 00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:10,650 Uh, plus I dispose of my own trimmings, 229 00:09:10,644 --> 00:09:12,390 which a lot of guys don't do. 230 00:09:12,903 --> 00:09:13,989 Jeff. 231 00:09:15,124 --> 00:09:17,239 Did you lure this child here 232 00:09:17,270 --> 00:09:18,894 under false pretenses? 233 00:09:19,954 --> 00:09:22,601 Reggie, what if I told you that the lawn I wanted you to mow 234 00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:24,665 was, in fact, my 16-year-old daughter? 235 00:09:25,266 --> 00:09:27,224 Well, w... would that be a paying job? 236 00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:29,665 Because I... I thought... I thought I was here about a paying job. 237 00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,241 Yeah. There is a small stipend. 238 00:09:31,361 --> 00:09:32,434 - Oh, okay. - What? 239 00:09:32,469 --> 00:09:33,418 You can't do that. 240 00:09:33,456 --> 00:09:35,285 You can't pay somebody to date Lisa. 241 00:09:35,307 --> 00:09:36,990 Well, it's either that or cousin Tate. 242 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,249 Who I know firsthand is from a good family. 243 00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,751 No. Lisa can't date one of her cousins. 244 00:09:41,739 --> 00:09:43,347 I shouldn't have to tell you that. 245 00:09:43,467 --> 00:09:45,674 Oh, Tessa. Plenty of respectable cousin couples 246 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:46,844 have found love together. 247 00:09:46,964 --> 00:09:48,120 Look at the Giulianis. 248 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:49,818 It's a "no." 249 00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:52,813 You know, it's the taboo that makes it thrilling. 250 00:09:53,351 --> 00:09:54,227 Right? 251 00:09:54,347 --> 00:09:55,359 Yeah. 252 00:09:55,692 --> 00:09:58,625 - Release. - Meanwhile, Yoni was one sage leaf closer 253 00:09:58,656 --> 00:10:00,533 to getting what he wanted from the Royces. 254 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,880 Let go of all your negative energy. 255 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:03,881 You must. 256 00:10:04,769 --> 00:10:06,502 One of my spiritual teachers taught me this. 257 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:07,897 Was it Yoda? 258 00:10:08,810 --> 00:10:10,118 Oh, my gosh. 259 00:10:10,105 --> 00:10:13,409 Look at Yakult. She's sound asleep. 260 00:10:13,459 --> 00:10:14,829 You calmed her, Yoni. 261 00:10:14,835 --> 00:10:16,681 Well, it wasn't so much the work of Yoni 262 00:10:16,715 --> 00:10:19,328 as it was the absence of George. 263 00:10:19,647 --> 00:10:21,893 Every since you banned him from your home 264 00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:25,441 and agreed to not let him... wax your walrus, 265 00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,737 the dog has found peace. 266 00:10:27,725 --> 00:10:30,672 Well, we typically don't refer to it as my walrus. 267 00:10:31,078 --> 00:10:34,569 And I don't recall banning George from my home. 268 00:10:34,689 --> 00:10:36,177 You do or you do not want the dog 269 00:10:36,183 --> 00:10:37,278 to make the full recovery? 270 00:10:37,398 --> 00:10:38,292 I do. 271 00:10:38,354 --> 00:10:40,238 Then get her a dish with spring water, 272 00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:42,015 for when she wakes... 273 00:10:42,377 --> 00:10:43,979 she will be thirsty. 274 00:10:46,094 --> 00:10:47,514 Are you my new daddy? 275 00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:49,479 No. 276 00:10:50,505 --> 00:10:52,219 Well, certainly not yet. 277 00:10:52,339 --> 00:10:53,551 But you're trying to be? 278 00:10:53,671 --> 00:10:54,959 You know, it's... 279 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,942 less about me being your daddy 280 00:10:56,967 --> 00:10:59,132 and more about the other guy not being your daddy. 281 00:10:59,514 --> 00:11:01,897 Also I'd like the use of your guest house 282 00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:03,851 for another four to six weeks. 283 00:11:03,885 --> 00:11:06,921 I'm in between places, and my credit is... 284 00:11:06,955 --> 00:11:08,789 you know... 285 00:11:08,824 --> 00:11:10,025 iffy. 286 00:11:11,307 --> 00:11:12,434 Hey, Lisa. 287 00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:14,160 I want you to know I'm working on the man sitch, 288 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,250 but your parents aren't really making it easy. 289 00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:18,271 You know what? That's... that's okay, Tessa. 290 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,133 I'm good to go. 291 00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,073 Good to go? 292 00:11:20,092 --> 00:11:21,802 Uh, I've... 293 00:11:22,244 --> 00:11:23,589 I've found someone. 294 00:11:23,871 --> 00:11:26,161 Please tell me it isn't your cousin Tate. 295 00:11:26,281 --> 00:11:27,206 Ooh! 296 00:11:27,244 --> 00:11:28,809 What's the haps, sweet cheeks? 297 00:11:28,844 --> 00:11:30,303 I got some giant sour gumballs 298 00:11:30,297 --> 00:11:32,549 - that turn your teeth crazy colors. - You interested? 299 00:11:32,669 --> 00:11:34,433 Oh, I'm interested. 300 00:11:34,458 --> 00:11:35,735 I'm real interested. 301 00:11:35,855 --> 00:11:37,587 Take a picture, red. It'll last longer. 302 00:11:37,587 --> 00:11:38,813 - Lisa Marie Shay. - Yes? 303 00:11:38,844 --> 00:11:41,712 - This kid is in middle school. - Taking ninth grade math. 304 00:11:41,832 --> 00:11:43,318 Boom. 305 00:11:43,361 --> 00:11:45,514 He... he makes me laugh, Tessa. 306 00:11:46,052 --> 00:11:48,523 He makes me laugh, and he brings me sour stuff, 307 00:11:48,548 --> 00:11:51,545 and... when I'm with him, I just feel... 308 00:11:51,551 --> 00:11:52,695 Prepubescent? 309 00:11:52,764 --> 00:11:54,735 You know I'm your boyfriend's math tutor, right? 310 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,149 Ho ho ho. 311 00:11:56,269 --> 00:11:58,120 Double boom. 312 00:12:01,098 --> 00:12:04,179 I don't care if he is Ryan's math tutor, 313 00:12:04,171 --> 00:12:06,017 there's no one weirder online 314 00:12:06,064 --> 00:12:07,596 than A.J. 315 00:12:07,716 --> 00:12:11,264 After sifting through a bunch of responses from ren faire guys, 316 00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:14,628 I pulled Lisa's photo, and decided to fly blind. 317 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,473 I didn't want to much importance on looks, 318 00:12:16,465 --> 00:12:18,765 or guys who only cared about looks. 319 00:12:18,885 --> 00:12:20,556 I wanted more for Lisa. 320 00:12:22,527 --> 00:12:25,209 Tessa, I hate when people put half-empty milk cards 321 00:12:25,405 --> 00:12:27,079 back in the fridge without saying anything. 322 00:12:27,071 --> 00:12:28,627 To me it doesn't look half-empty. 323 00:12:28,651 --> 00:12:29,785 It looks half-full. 324 00:12:29,808 --> 00:12:31,818 Oh... I... I see. So... 325 00:12:32,224 --> 00:12:34,203 you think I'm negative too, huh? 326 00:12:34,323 --> 00:12:35,517 I'm just saying there's plenty of milk. 327 00:12:35,524 --> 00:12:37,582 Yeah, but because I don't think there's plenty of milk, 328 00:12:37,583 --> 00:12:38,583 I'm... I'm a bad person, 329 00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:42,649 an undesirable partner, is that it? 330 00:12:43,626 --> 00:12:45,996 - Are you ok? - No! No, apparently I'm not ok. 331 00:12:46,019 --> 00:12:48,514 Apparently I'm negative, and dark and moody. 332 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,548 Quoting the man that's shacking up with my girlfriend. 333 00:12:51,668 --> 00:12:53,833 - Dallas is shacking up with... - Yoni! 334 00:12:55,053 --> 00:12:57,180 - He's back. - Yani is back?! 335 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:59,690 No. No, not Yani. Yoni. 336 00:12:59,810 --> 00:13:02,177 Yoni. Yo... ni. 337 00:13:02,297 --> 00:13:03,537 To say his name you must purse your lips 338 00:13:03,538 --> 00:13:04,538 as if you were giving a kiss to someone I'm in a relationship with. 339 00:13:07,025 --> 00:13:07,963 Yoni. 340 00:13:09,425 --> 00:13:12,937 - Yoni. - Ok. Wow. Dad, take it from me. 341 00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:16,152 The dating scene is pretty dry right now. So... 342 00:13:16,606 --> 00:13:20,823 unless you want to engage in some 16th-century role-play 343 00:13:21,411 --> 00:13:24,834 and joust for your maiden, I suggest you quit moping. 344 00:13:26,869 --> 00:13:29,941 Oh. And, father, if you can't outsmart... 345 00:13:30,778 --> 00:13:31,980 Yoni, 346 00:13:32,506 --> 00:13:35,690 well, then perhaps you are not my father at all. 347 00:13:36,291 --> 00:13:38,788 Fine. I'll reclaim my wench... 348 00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:41,309 and get some more milk. 349 00:13:41,734 --> 00:13:42,867 Okay, seven bites of meat 350 00:13:42,892 --> 00:13:44,349 before you make a beeline for desert. 351 00:13:44,349 --> 00:13:45,138 You hear me, mister? 352 00:13:45,175 --> 00:13:47,296 I'm about to make a beeline for something else. 353 00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:48,335 How 'bout a kiss, dollface? 354 00:13:48,335 --> 00:13:49,993 Okay, don't get fresh. 355 00:13:50,018 --> 00:13:51,626 Lisa, I need to talk to you. 356 00:13:51,974 --> 00:13:53,775 - What? - Alone. 357 00:13:54,002 --> 00:13:55,892 Oh... okay. 358 00:13:56,012 --> 00:13:57,731 Just... just one second there. 359 00:13:58,188 --> 00:13:59,170 What is this all about? 360 00:13:59,201 --> 00:14:02,980 It's about finding you a man who can cut his own meat. 361 00:14:04,086 --> 00:14:05,220 Look. 362 00:14:05,254 --> 00:14:06,936 Tessa, did you place a personal ad for me 363 00:14:06,903 --> 00:14:07,798 on the world wide web? 364 00:14:07,823 --> 00:14:09,093 Yes, Lisa, I did. 365 00:14:09,213 --> 00:14:12,027 And I got a response from a guy who sounds pretty great. 366 00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:12,878 Listen. 367 00:14:13,262 --> 00:14:15,525 "Let's hold hands, not devices." 368 00:14:15,544 --> 00:14:16,532 He has hands? 369 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,233 Or do you think he's just lying to sound good? 370 00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:20,042 No, I think he has hands. 371 00:14:20,870 --> 00:14:22,014 What? 372 00:14:25,242 --> 00:14:26,587 I can't believe A.J. would defy me 373 00:14:26,587 --> 00:14:27,469 and go straight for desert. 374 00:14:27,487 --> 00:14:29,314 No way he had seven bites of meat. No way. 375 00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:32,061 Okay. I'm in. But you and Ryan have to come. Just... 376 00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,587 Okay, great. Double date. Sounds fun. 377 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,383 Okay. Just... will you excuse me? 378 00:14:35,389 --> 00:14:36,997 I have to put somebody in a time-out. 379 00:14:37,117 --> 00:14:38,292 Anthony James, 380 00:14:38,468 --> 00:14:40,057 how many times have we had this conversation? 381 00:14:40,057 --> 00:14:41,664 Food is a privilege. 382 00:14:42,853 --> 00:14:45,268 Sometimes, instead of walking away from a problem, 383 00:14:45,312 --> 00:14:49,216 you have to do the opposite and take it for a walk. 384 00:14:53,712 --> 00:14:55,279 Not a word. 385 00:14:59,658 --> 00:15:01,409 Daddy Altman? 386 00:15:01,753 --> 00:15:03,192 Are you abducting our dog? 387 00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:04,519 What? No. No. 388 00:15:04,707 --> 00:15:07,124 No, I was, uh, I was just gonna take her for a walk. 389 00:15:07,691 --> 00:15:08,742 Uh... 390 00:15:09,556 --> 00:15:10,701 wanna come with? 391 00:15:12,605 --> 00:15:14,454 And I guess I'm just having a hard time 392 00:15:14,442 --> 00:15:16,676 wrapping my head around why a loving God 393 00:15:16,688 --> 00:15:18,744 would ask Abraham or whatever 394 00:15:18,778 --> 00:15:21,513 to sacrifice his, like, precious son. 395 00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:24,897 I mean, what kind of power trip must he have been on? 396 00:15:25,017 --> 00:15:27,111 And also if I do go down this route, 397 00:15:27,162 --> 00:15:30,177 I totally got jerked on the whole bat mitzvah thing. 398 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:33,080 And in closing, kugel... 399 00:15:33,943 --> 00:15:34,907 Why? 400 00:15:35,670 --> 00:15:38,792 Well, those... those are all good questions. 401 00:15:39,011 --> 00:15:40,012 Thank you. 402 00:15:40,031 --> 00:15:41,413 Ex... except the last one. 403 00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:43,278 Man, it's so great to hear 404 00:15:43,398 --> 00:15:45,073 what's going on inside your head. 405 00:15:45,193 --> 00:15:46,343 Yeah. 406 00:15:47,025 --> 00:15:49,322 And also, I'm failing science. 407 00:15:49,442 --> 00:15:51,924 While George continued uncovering the mystery 408 00:15:51,943 --> 00:15:52,882 that was Dalia, 409 00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:55,347 I was selling Lisa on the merits of her mystery date. 410 00:15:55,397 --> 00:15:57,042 - Okay, so listen to this. - Yeah? 411 00:15:57,261 --> 00:15:59,976 Every morning at dawn, he writes a poem. 412 00:16:00,096 --> 00:16:03,317 And every evening at sunset, he burns it. 413 00:16:03,517 --> 00:16:04,762 Why? 414 00:16:04,950 --> 00:16:07,878 Because the poem only belonged to the day. 415 00:16:08,247 --> 00:16:09,298 Wow. 416 00:16:09,342 --> 00:16:11,807 I mean, talking about holding yourself to a high standard. 417 00:16:11,813 --> 00:16:14,359 No, I know. That's what it's all about, right? 418 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,235 - Totally. - Yeah. 419 00:16:16,248 --> 00:16:19,770 Oh, and I... I... I brought a copy of his favorite book 420 00:16:19,890 --> 00:16:21,028 so we could discuss it at dinner. 421 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,788 I'm only six chapters through, but so far, it's really good. 422 00:16:23,908 --> 00:16:26,071 Great. Um, so I guess 423 00:16:26,191 --> 00:16:28,999 I'll just listen to you guys while you talk about it, or... 424 00:16:29,012 --> 00:16:30,639 Crap. 425 00:16:30,883 --> 00:16:32,947 I totally should have had you read it. 426 00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:33,760 It's okay. 427 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,037 I guess just 'cause we've been e-mailing back and forth, 428 00:16:36,044 --> 00:16:37,983 I kind of got sucked in. 429 00:16:38,646 --> 00:16:40,655 Are you falling for my Internet boyfriend 430 00:16:40,673 --> 00:16:42,037 before I've had a chance to? 431 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:43,339 Don't be ridiculous. 432 00:16:43,459 --> 00:16:45,223 I'm very happy with my boyfriend, 433 00:16:45,241 --> 00:16:46,355 and you're gonna be really happy... 434 00:16:46,386 --> 00:16:49,258 with my ex-boyfriend. 435 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,535 Scott Strauss. 436 00:16:50,655 --> 00:16:51,949 Tessa. 437 00:16:52,069 --> 00:16:54,120 I found an awesome parking spot. 438 00:16:54,508 --> 00:16:56,285 Sorry. We're handicapped, right? 439 00:16:56,405 --> 00:16:58,287 Right. Very. 440 00:17:00,313 --> 00:17:02,284 If a flicker of regret crossed my mind, 441 00:17:02,334 --> 00:17:04,361 it was erased by the time the first chunk 442 00:17:04,374 --> 00:17:06,326 of cheese-soaked baguette hit my lips. 443 00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:08,428 Listening to him talk, I was reminded 444 00:17:08,466 --> 00:17:10,692 of the great Scott Strauss paradox... 445 00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,576 how could someone who looks so good on paper 446 00:17:12,582 --> 00:17:16,898 and look so good in person be such a freakin' bore? 447 00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:20,152 Let's think about that as we share this cheese. 448 00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:23,081 So I heard you were journaling in Barcelona? 449 00:17:23,149 --> 00:17:25,162 Barcelona destroyed me. 450 00:17:25,196 --> 00:17:27,078 Nearly destroyed my whole family. 451 00:17:27,341 --> 00:17:28,630 I'll never go back there. 452 00:17:28,624 --> 00:17:30,244 No, I... I know what you mean. 453 00:17:30,364 --> 00:17:33,451 My family stayed at an all-inclusive in Cancun, 454 00:17:33,571 --> 00:17:35,392 and... it wasn't great. 455 00:17:38,209 --> 00:17:41,631 Although I did like that you could pay for things with beads. 456 00:17:41,751 --> 00:17:43,195 I have a question. 457 00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,898 How do you get your hair so silky? 458 00:17:45,954 --> 00:17:48,006 You have to admit, it's incredibly silky. 459 00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:50,790 I use jojoba oil that I hand-squeeze 460 00:17:50,910 --> 00:17:53,111 from organic jojoba seeds that I grow 461 00:17:53,124 --> 00:17:55,833 in a planter that I built from jojoba husks. 462 00:17:55,852 --> 00:17:57,716 Oh, my God. Stop saying "jojoba." 463 00:18:00,338 --> 00:18:02,780 - A lot of people don't know that. - Mnh-mnh. 464 00:18:02,772 --> 00:18:05,607 I didn't mean to sound condescending. - No, no. 465 00:18:05,644 --> 00:18:07,865 Just truly, people don't know that. 466 00:18:07,877 --> 00:18:10,799 Back to your hair... may I feel it? 467 00:18:12,076 --> 00:18:13,327 I want you to. 468 00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:19,721 Jojoba. 469 00:18:21,542 --> 00:18:23,394 Tessa, leave me for him. You have to. 470 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:24,326 No. 471 00:18:24,338 --> 00:18:25,790 There's no accounting for love, 472 00:18:25,790 --> 00:18:28,072 but when you find the right person, you know it. 473 00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:31,108 Lisa! Baby, I miss us! 474 00:18:31,164 --> 00:18:32,341 Lisa! 475 00:18:32,461 --> 00:18:33,436 Oh, my God. 476 00:18:33,556 --> 00:18:34,856 Lisa? 477 00:18:35,851 --> 00:18:37,540 Lisa! 478 00:18:37,546 --> 00:18:39,380 Hey. Where are you going? 479 00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:40,919 Tessa, I'm... I'm sorry, 480 00:18:40,956 --> 00:18:43,052 but I have to get out of here. 481 00:18:43,077 --> 00:18:45,091 This dinner is destroying me. 482 00:18:45,116 --> 00:18:48,257 I'm not gonna find love in this restaurant. Not tonight. 483 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,147 How do you know? 484 00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,963 Because I f... found it once. 485 00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,173 And I... I remember what it felt like, 486 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,950 and I, um, I just think 487 00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:02,578 I'm gonna need to learn to be alone... 488 00:19:03,123 --> 00:19:05,328 for now. 489 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,785 Unless you wanna sleep over. 490 00:19:11,875 --> 00:19:13,070 Yeah, I'll sleep over. 491 00:19:13,082 --> 00:19:15,191 Okay. Thanks. 492 00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:19,276 Oh, my gosh! Look at Yakult! 493 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,623 She's got a spring in her step again. 494 00:19:21,854 --> 00:19:24,601 I haven't seen her go that hard since she was a puppy. 495 00:19:25,195 --> 00:19:26,290 Really? 496 00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:28,793 Ugh. No wonder why I was feeling body ache, 497 00:19:28,818 --> 00:19:30,583 chills, and a loose stool coming on. 498 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:33,017 I knew it was either George Altman 499 00:19:33,029 --> 00:19:34,694 or a parasitic tapeworm. 500 00:19:34,888 --> 00:19:37,390 Oh, wait. I forgot. 501 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,143 Same thing. Burn. 502 00:19:40,537 --> 00:19:42,334 I've been taking the girls on some walks, 503 00:19:42,346 --> 00:19:45,011 spending a little quality time with the both of them. 504 00:19:45,131 --> 00:19:46,995 And they have never been happier. 505 00:19:47,251 --> 00:19:48,471 It's true. 506 00:19:48,528 --> 00:19:51,074 And daddy Altman lets me walk off the leash. 507 00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:52,269 Yoni. 508 00:19:52,282 --> 00:19:53,639 You said dog walking was 509 00:19:53,639 --> 00:19:56,330 poochie propaganda perpetuated by the poop bag peeps. 510 00:19:56,392 --> 00:19:59,064 Yeah. The truth is, I... 511 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:01,173 I don't really know much about dogs. 512 00:20:01,211 --> 00:20:03,182 So... George was right? 513 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:06,141 This was just an elaborate ruse to try to get me back 514 00:20:06,173 --> 00:20:07,574 because you're still in love with me? 515 00:20:07,643 --> 00:20:08,750 No. 516 00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:10,922 He just doesn't want daddy Altman to have you. 517 00:20:10,953 --> 00:20:12,680 A... and he wants to stay in your guest house, 518 00:20:12,692 --> 00:20:14,719 because his credit is iffy. 519 00:20:14,782 --> 00:20:15,714 It is not my fault. 520 00:20:15,752 --> 00:20:18,128 I was living with this chick that I met at burning man. 521 00:20:18,153 --> 00:20:19,386 She was on ecstasy, 522 00:20:19,506 --> 00:20:21,501 and she got a hold of my P.I.N. number. 523 00:20:21,569 --> 00:20:22,996 Nobody cares, Yoni. 524 00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,441 It's time for you to go. 525 00:20:24,466 --> 00:20:26,693 Wait, wait. Let... let me just stay for four to six weeks. 526 00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:27,920 Four to six weeks? 527 00:20:27,938 --> 00:20:29,771 Can I at least borrow 5 bucks for cigarettes? 528 00:20:29,765 --> 00:20:30,766 - No! - No. 529 00:20:30,886 --> 00:20:32,943 Come on, Yakult. 530 00:20:33,063 --> 00:20:35,145 Let's go play that game daddy Altman invented 531 00:20:35,164 --> 00:20:38,092 where I throw a ball and you bring it back. 532 00:20:38,356 --> 00:20:40,301 What's it called? 533 00:20:40,421 --> 00:20:41,902 "Bring it back"? 534 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:44,027 Mm-hmm. 535 00:20:45,426 --> 00:20:46,783 Come on, Yakult. 536 00:20:47,784 --> 00:20:49,643 You know she's failing science, right? 537 00:20:49,763 --> 00:20:51,344 - What? - Yeah. 538 00:20:51,532 --> 00:20:53,484 Well, how do you know that? 539 00:20:53,604 --> 00:20:55,323 I talked to her. 540 00:20:55,317 --> 00:20:58,245 She's also toying with the idea of converting to Judaism. 541 00:20:58,365 --> 00:20:59,790 - Dalia is? - Yeah. 542 00:20:59,797 --> 00:21:00,910 So what now? 543 00:21:01,030 --> 00:21:03,776 Take the damn dog for a walk around the block 544 00:21:04,048 --> 00:21:06,460 and do science flash cards as we go? 545 00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,449 Stop for bagels along the way? 546 00:21:08,499 --> 00:21:09,613 Sound like a plan. 547 00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:12,146 No more healers, dog walkers, or gurus. 548 00:21:12,134 --> 00:21:15,957 From now on, we handle all our problems ourselves. 549 00:21:16,077 --> 00:21:17,446 So wait... 550 00:21:17,728 --> 00:21:20,230 the dog throws the ball, and I do what now? 551 00:21:21,206 --> 00:21:22,295 You know what? 552 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,503 We might want to hire a specialist for this one. 553 00:21:26,926 --> 00:21:32,213 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -