1 00:00:02,028 --> 00:00:03,819 Now that I was dating Ryan Shay, 2 00:00:03,827 --> 00:00:06,501 I found myself spending an unnatural amount of time 3 00:00:06,502 --> 00:00:08,259 with his biggest fan... Sheila. 4 00:00:08,260 --> 00:00:08,691 Give it to me, son! 5 00:00:08,716 --> 00:00:09,916 Give it to me. Come on, I can take it! 6 00:00:09,951 --> 00:00:12,023 I want it! Come on. Bring it to mama! 7 00:00:12,609 --> 00:00:14,688 I'm gonna give it to her. 8 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,905 Are you ready to watch me give it to my mom? 9 00:00:23,918 --> 00:00:24,931 Net! 10 00:00:25,363 --> 00:00:26,326 Damn it! 11 00:00:26,446 --> 00:00:27,697 Focus, Ryan! 12 00:00:27,759 --> 00:00:29,179 Focus! Come on, baby! 13 00:00:29,185 --> 00:00:31,700 Focus on delivering your balls right to mama! 14 00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:35,904 Focus on delivering the balls right here! Focus, Ryan! 15 00:00:35,939 --> 00:00:38,188 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. 16 00:00:51,145 --> 00:00:52,227 Aah! 17 00:00:52,434 --> 00:00:53,804 Oh! Ow! 18 00:00:53,817 --> 00:00:55,588 Yes! In your face! 19 00:00:55,708 --> 00:00:56,639 Yes! Whoo! 20 00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:57,959 Chest me! Chest me! 21 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,660 What? What? Oh, my! Ow! 22 00:00:59,679 --> 00:01:00,755 Ryan, I need some ice. 23 00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,363 I need some ice. I think I sprained my wrist! 24 00:01:02,483 --> 00:01:04,077 - Whoo! - I think I sprained my wrist. 25 00:01:05,385 --> 00:01:07,149 Tessa, while Lisa's in the bathroom, 26 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,601 can we do a little girl-on-girl? 27 00:01:08,886 --> 00:01:10,302 I mean, it... depends. 28 00:01:10,315 --> 00:01:12,749 I want your take on the Lisa of it all. 29 00:01:12,869 --> 00:01:13,618 What does that mean? 30 00:01:13,738 --> 00:01:14,794 By now, we all expected her 31 00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:17,804 to come to her senses and reconcile with Malik. 32 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,750 Malik was the whole package... 33 00:01:19,870 --> 00:01:22,665 chocolate-brown eyes, personable demeanor, 34 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:25,987 supple, dewy skin, which, as you know, won't crack. 35 00:01:26,006 --> 00:01:27,076 Yeah... 36 00:01:27,196 --> 00:01:28,886 I... I don't think she's getting back together with Malik. 37 00:01:28,902 --> 00:01:29,703 Let's be honest. 38 00:01:29,728 --> 00:01:31,241 The boys aren't exactly lining up 39 00:01:31,242 --> 00:01:32,508 outside our door to meet her. 40 00:01:32,543 --> 00:01:36,078 And there's a very strong genetic predisposition 41 00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:38,181 towards spinsterhood in the Shay family. 42 00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:39,582 Is it okay if I get ribs? 43 00:01:39,595 --> 00:01:40,984 Yeah. Whatever you want, tiger. 44 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,536 Lisa has needs, Tessa, 45 00:01:42,586 --> 00:01:44,520 and we need to find someone who's gonna meet them. 46 00:01:45,555 --> 00:01:46,846 I don't know. 47 00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:49,558 I mean, when Lisa and Malik first started dating, 48 00:01:49,592 --> 00:01:51,007 they actually tried to set me up, 49 00:01:51,008 --> 00:01:52,565 and I really resented it. 50 00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:54,517 How do you even know that Lisa wants us to... 51 00:01:54,530 --> 00:01:55,919 I want you to. 52 00:01:55,981 --> 00:01:58,478 I can't chase balls forever, Tessa. 53 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,505 I don't have the knees for it. 54 00:02:01,025 --> 00:02:03,725 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - Resync for WEB-DL by lost0ne - - www.addic7ed.com - 55 00:02:03,807 --> 00:02:08,038 [Alih Jay] ♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪ 56 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,092 2x11 Yakult Leader 57 00:02:11,848 --> 00:02:15,165 Okay, what is this urgent sit-down about? 58 00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:18,311 Okay, you know how Yakult has been super depressed 59 00:02:18,343 --> 00:02:21,064 since Noah Werner stole our dog Walker Ashanti? 60 00:02:21,089 --> 00:02:22,766 Dallas, I really don't wanna be in the middle 61 00:02:22,791 --> 00:02:24,185 of this feud between you and Noah. 62 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,494 Yakult is suicidal, George. 63 00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:29,221 That dog Walker and her were besties. 64 00:02:29,432 --> 00:02:33,457 Okay. Have... have you tried buying Yakult a new squeaky toy? 65 00:02:33,482 --> 00:02:34,770 A new squeaky toy? 66 00:02:34,808 --> 00:02:37,993 George, she's questioning her purpose on planet earth. 67 00:02:38,005 --> 00:02:40,483 A new squeaky toy or an $8 milk-bone 68 00:02:40,495 --> 00:02:41,690 is not gonna cut it. 69 00:02:42,179 --> 00:02:46,045 So... I called in a professional. 70 00:02:46,896 --> 00:02:48,691 A professional? 71 00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:56,606 - Yani. - Yoni. 72 00:02:56,726 --> 00:02:57,688 What... what's that? 73 00:02:57,706 --> 00:02:58,895 Yoni. 74 00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:01,279 Ah. Right. Forgive me. 75 00:03:01,399 --> 00:03:03,606 I will forgive you when I hear you say it correctly. 76 00:03:03,656 --> 00:03:07,554 "Yoni." Your lips... they must purse 77 00:03:07,585 --> 00:03:09,700 ever so slightly to make this sound... 78 00:03:10,039 --> 00:03:11,506 "Yoni." 79 00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:14,343 Like you're giving a kiss to a lover you thought was gone. 80 00:03:14,599 --> 00:03:17,479 Now suddenly... he's back. 81 00:03:18,853 --> 00:03:21,124 Yoni. 82 00:03:21,651 --> 00:03:24,109 Yoni. 83 00:03:25,054 --> 00:03:26,980 Yoni. 84 00:03:26,992 --> 00:03:27,574 Okay, you can stop. 85 00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:29,706 I'm never saying your name again. George. 86 00:03:29,826 --> 00:03:32,060 Yoni's agreed to heal Yakult's energy 87 00:03:32,085 --> 00:03:34,062 and bring her back from the dark pit of despair. 88 00:03:34,097 --> 00:03:35,733 And for this, he has to be shirtless? 89 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,080 Oh, jealousy... 90 00:03:37,081 --> 00:03:39,382 On top of insecurity, on top of... 91 00:03:39,502 --> 00:03:42,471 Painful gases from the heavy breakfast. 92 00:03:42,505 --> 00:03:43,472 Wrong. 93 00:03:43,506 --> 00:03:45,161 I had fruit. So... 94 00:03:45,818 --> 00:03:49,526 What are you looking for in a man, primarily? 95 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:50,746 Limbs. 96 00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:52,354 I mean, I'd like it if he had four, 97 00:03:52,355 --> 00:03:53,797 but I'd certainly be okay with three. 98 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:54,798 Or two. 99 00:03:54,858 --> 00:03:56,034 I mean, I guess if he was armless, 100 00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:57,993 we couldn't hold hands, but... 101 00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,089 Yeah, I would consider dating a torso. 102 00:04:01,209 --> 00:04:03,586 "Must... have... 103 00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:05,306 Torso." 104 00:04:05,962 --> 00:04:07,296 Anything else? 105 00:04:08,473 --> 00:04:09,298 No. 106 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,599 Lisa, 107 00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,334 you're selling yourself short. 108 00:04:12,368 --> 00:04:15,023 I had a dream last night, Tessa... 109 00:04:16,799 --> 00:04:20,021 And it was sobering. 110 00:04:20,443 --> 00:04:22,458 The year was 2037. 111 00:04:22,578 --> 00:04:26,065 Uh, it said "year 2037" at the bottom of your dream? 112 00:04:26,072 --> 00:04:27,930 Yes. Fred and Sheila were gone. 113 00:04:27,942 --> 00:04:29,619 Long gone. Dead and buried. 114 00:04:29,638 --> 00:04:30,876 But I was still living at home... 115 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,885 In my old room full of cats. 116 00:04:33,005 --> 00:04:34,304 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop... 117 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,372 I'm gonna stop you right there, okay? 118 00:04:36,492 --> 00:04:39,976 That's ridiculous. I don't need a man, okay? 119 00:04:39,998 --> 00:04:43,033 I have my scooter, and I have you, Inky... 120 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,806 Sassafras... Sir Mix-A-Lot, Cat Stevens, 121 00:04:46,831 --> 00:04:48,937 Kat Corbett, Kathmandu, 122 00:04:48,972 --> 00:04:51,749 Cream Cheese Rangoon, Mr. Whiskers, 123 00:04:51,768 --> 00:04:54,991 Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul, Patches... 124 00:04:55,111 --> 00:04:57,242 Jeff Garlin. 125 00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:59,882 You named one of your cats "Jeff Garlin"? 126 00:04:59,888 --> 00:05:02,303 I named one of my cats "Cream Cheese Rangoon." 127 00:05:02,716 --> 00:05:05,763 Anyway, I'm sure you can see why the dream was upsetting. 128 00:05:05,794 --> 00:05:08,879 So please, Tessa, I need your help. 129 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,763 I do not wanna die alone 130 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:13,247 in a bed full of animal dander. 131 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:15,915 Just don't set me up with any weirdos, okay? 132 00:05:16,689 --> 00:05:18,390 O... kay. 133 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,575 You want me to put Yakult in a cage 134 00:05:21,593 --> 00:05:23,522 like some kind of circus freak? 135 00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,533 Dallas, it's not a cage, it's a crate. 136 00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,474 And the guy at the pet store said anxious dogs 137 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,606 find crates soothing. 138 00:05:28,625 --> 00:05:31,478 So your plan is to sentence this doggie to prison? 139 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,399 On what grounds, George? 140 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,082 Third-degree cuteness? 141 00:05:35,095 --> 00:05:36,690 Look, you can leave the door unlocked 142 00:05:36,736 --> 00:05:38,652 so she can come and go as she pleases. 143 00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:41,295 Oh, my goodness. I wish you could feel 144 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,979 - how hard her heart is beating right now. - Really? Okay. 145 00:05:44,017 --> 00:05:46,469 You see, Yakult might be stressed 146 00:05:46,481 --> 00:05:48,357 because this house is too big, 147 00:05:48,358 --> 00:05:51,924 and she feels responsible for securing it, 148 00:05:51,925 --> 00:05:53,364 whereas in her... 149 00:05:53,370 --> 00:05:54,722 Filthy prison cell? 150 00:05:54,959 --> 00:05:56,899 George, I can't! Set her free! 151 00:05:56,911 --> 00:05:59,064 Dallas, can we just try this, please? 152 00:05:59,076 --> 00:06:00,546 He doesn't even have a Morgan Freeman 153 00:06:00,547 --> 00:06:04,850 to Shawshank her! I beg you! Attica! 154 00:06:04,851 --> 00:06:07,629 I thought you were interested in making Yakult less anxious. 155 00:06:07,654 --> 00:06:09,562 - I know how to make her less anxious. - Oh. 156 00:06:09,593 --> 00:06:10,895 Keep away you. 157 00:06:11,145 --> 00:06:13,509 I'm sorry, but that was a real... 158 00:06:13,991 --> 00:06:15,499 fragmented sentence. 159 00:06:15,687 --> 00:06:16,942 Keep away who? 160 00:06:17,676 --> 00:06:19,221 This man. This George. 161 00:06:19,227 --> 00:06:20,466 Come on. Dallas... 162 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,574 His negative energy is upsetting Yakult. 163 00:06:22,606 --> 00:06:24,576 She doesn't even look at him as a leader... 164 00:06:25,140 --> 00:06:26,385 or even handsome. 165 00:06:26,403 --> 00:06:29,056 Come here, Yakult. Oh, my gosh. 166 00:06:29,176 --> 00:06:32,454 Y'all, she's shaking like a leaf. 167 00:06:32,497 --> 00:06:34,631 She can't be around all this bickering. 168 00:06:34,668 --> 00:06:37,340 Perhaps... one of us should leave. 169 00:06:37,384 --> 00:06:39,668 Yes. Yes. Perhaps one of us should leave. 170 00:06:41,457 --> 00:06:43,021 Okay, we'll see you later, George. 171 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,761 Really? Me? 172 00:06:44,773 --> 00:06:46,569 Well, Yoni's on the clock. 173 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,008 Right. 174 00:06:49,491 --> 00:06:50,635 Okay. Good luck. 175 00:06:50,755 --> 00:06:53,519 Uh... well, George, I... 176 00:06:56,421 --> 00:06:58,605 You know, I gotta... I gotta be honest here, Dallas. 177 00:06:59,256 --> 00:07:00,544 If the shoe was on the other foot, 178 00:07:00,595 --> 00:07:01,902 I think you'd be flippin' out right now. 179 00:07:01,912 --> 00:07:03,804 Nonsense. You had your ex-wife 180 00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:05,518 stay over at your place on Thanksgiving, 181 00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:06,824 and I didn't bat an eye. 182 00:07:06,825 --> 00:07:08,716 - That was for Tessa. - This is for Yakult. 183 00:07:08,836 --> 00:07:10,192 Yoni's just staying here 184 00:07:10,211 --> 00:07:12,514 until my puppy's chi is back to chingy. 185 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,804 George, I want you to trust me. 186 00:07:14,847 --> 00:07:17,031 It's not you I don't trust. 187 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,502 It's him. 188 00:07:23,798 --> 00:07:25,599 No more wheat for you. 189 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,025 She's like a terrorist... in your colon. 190 00:07:34,687 --> 00:07:36,232 Mmm. 191 00:07:38,778 --> 00:07:39,817 Mm. 192 00:07:40,849 --> 00:07:43,671 You are the flower, Jill Warner. 193 00:07:44,635 --> 00:07:45,892 You are the flower. 194 00:07:46,950 --> 00:07:50,797 You must hydrate if you want your bud... 195 00:07:52,518 --> 00:07:53,688 to open. 196 00:07:53,808 --> 00:07:54,873 Ohh. 197 00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:56,908 Oh, my. 198 00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:58,224 Oh. 199 00:07:58,286 --> 00:08:00,614 - Did he just open your bud? - Ohh. 200 00:08:00,734 --> 00:08:04,061 Unreal. I've been trying to get her bud open since college. 201 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:05,137 Mmm. 202 00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,519 She's never expressed any interest in bud play. 203 00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,191 Okay, excuse me, Yoni. 204 00:08:09,398 --> 00:08:12,524 Oh. His aura sting my eyes, 205 00:08:12,644 --> 00:08:15,594 like too many shampoo bubbles. 206 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:17,687 Seriously, when he comes near me, 207 00:08:17,688 --> 00:08:19,603 - I feel... I cry. - You know what? 208 00:08:19,723 --> 00:08:22,537 You may have fooled Dallas and... and Noah and Jill, 209 00:08:22,556 --> 00:08:24,984 and possibly Yakult, but sooner or later, 210 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:26,936 the people of this town are gonna see you 211 00:08:26,961 --> 00:08:28,194 for what you actually are. 212 00:08:28,219 --> 00:08:29,641 You're right. 213 00:08:31,186 --> 00:08:32,617 What? 214 00:08:32,905 --> 00:08:34,200 What? 215 00:08:34,845 --> 00:08:36,315 Yeah. 216 00:08:37,070 --> 00:08:39,043 For a second, I forgot which town I lived in. 217 00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:42,065 Come to me... 218 00:08:42,409 --> 00:08:44,777 and look into my eyes. 219 00:08:44,811 --> 00:08:47,680 So a lot of people are finding love online nowadays. 220 00:08:47,714 --> 00:08:49,698 Perverts, hoarders, deviants. 221 00:08:49,704 --> 00:08:53,719 Yes, but also nice people looking for companionship, 222 00:08:53,753 --> 00:08:54,687 like Lisa. 223 00:08:54,721 --> 00:08:56,021 Tessa, I'm gonna stop you. 224 00:08:56,056 --> 00:08:58,324 I want us to find a suitor for Lisa 225 00:08:58,358 --> 00:08:59,792 the old-fashioned way... 226 00:08:59,826 --> 00:09:01,293 in our dining room. 227 00:09:01,328 --> 00:09:04,469 So... what makes you think you'd be a good fit for this position? 228 00:09:04,589 --> 00:09:06,353 We... well, I'm... I'm reliable. 229 00:09:06,473 --> 00:09:08,411 Uh, I mow the Biedermans' lawn every weekend. 230 00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,500 Uh, plus I dispose of my own trimmings, 231 00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:12,240 which a lot of guys don't do. 232 00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:13,839 Jeff. 233 00:09:14,974 --> 00:09:17,089 Did you lure this child here 234 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,744 under false pretenses? 235 00:09:19,804 --> 00:09:22,450 Reggie, what if I told you that the lawn I wanted you to mow 236 00:09:22,451 --> 00:09:24,515 was, in fact, my 16-year-old daughter? 237 00:09:25,116 --> 00:09:27,074 Well, w... would that be a paying job? 238 00:09:27,111 --> 00:09:29,515 Because I... I thought... I thought I was here about a paying job. 239 00:09:29,549 --> 00:09:31,091 Yeah. There is a small stipend. 240 00:09:31,211 --> 00:09:32,284 - Oh, okay. - What? 241 00:09:32,319 --> 00:09:33,268 You can't do that. 242 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,135 You can't pay somebody to date Lisa. 243 00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:36,840 Well, it's either that or cousin Tate. 244 00:09:36,890 --> 00:09:39,099 Who I know firsthand is from a good family. 245 00:09:39,762 --> 00:09:41,601 No. Lisa can't date one of her cousins. 246 00:09:41,602 --> 00:09:43,197 I shouldn't have to tell you that. 247 00:09:43,317 --> 00:09:45,524 Oh, Tessa. Plenty of respectable cousin couples 248 00:09:45,530 --> 00:09:46,694 have found love together. 249 00:09:46,814 --> 00:09:47,970 Look at the Giulianis. 250 00:09:48,090 --> 00:09:49,668 It's a "no." 251 00:09:49,948 --> 00:09:52,663 You know, it's the taboo that makes it thrilling. 252 00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:54,077 Right? 253 00:09:54,197 --> 00:09:55,209 Yeah. 254 00:09:55,542 --> 00:09:58,475 - Meanwhile, Yoni was one sage leaf closer - Release. 255 00:09:58,506 --> 00:10:00,383 to getting what he wanted from the Royces. 256 00:10:00,408 --> 00:10:02,730 Let go of all your negative energy. 257 00:10:02,850 --> 00:10:03,731 You must. 258 00:10:04,619 --> 00:10:06,352 One of my spiritual teachers taught me this. 259 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:07,747 Was it Yoda? 260 00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:09,968 Oh, my gosh. 261 00:10:09,969 --> 00:10:13,259 Look at Yakult. She's sound asleep. 262 00:10:13,309 --> 00:10:14,679 You calmed her, Yoni. 263 00:10:14,685 --> 00:10:16,531 Well, it wasn't so much the work of Yoni 264 00:10:16,565 --> 00:10:19,178 as it was the absence of George. 265 00:10:19,497 --> 00:10:21,743 Every since you banned him from your home 266 00:10:22,171 --> 00:10:25,291 and agreed to not let him... wax your walrus, 267 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,574 the dog has found peace. 268 00:10:27,575 --> 00:10:30,522 Well, we typically don't refer to it as my walrus. 269 00:10:30,928 --> 00:10:34,419 And I don't recall banning George from my home. 270 00:10:34,539 --> 00:10:36,027 You do or you do not want the dog 271 00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:37,128 to make the full recovery? 272 00:10:37,248 --> 00:10:38,142 I do. 273 00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:40,088 Then get her a dish with spring water, 274 00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:41,865 for when she wakes... 275 00:10:42,227 --> 00:10:43,829 she will be thirsty. 276 00:10:45,944 --> 00:10:47,364 Are you my new daddy? 277 00:10:48,053 --> 00:10:49,329 No. 278 00:10:50,355 --> 00:10:52,069 Well, certainly not yet. 279 00:10:52,189 --> 00:10:53,401 But you're trying to be? 280 00:10:53,521 --> 00:10:54,809 You know, it's... 281 00:10:55,090 --> 00:10:56,792 less about me being your daddy 282 00:10:56,817 --> 00:10:58,982 and more about the other guy not being your daddy. 283 00:10:59,364 --> 00:11:01,747 Also I'd like the use of your guest house 284 00:11:01,773 --> 00:11:03,701 for another four to six weeks. 285 00:11:03,735 --> 00:11:06,771 I'm in between places, and my credit is... 286 00:11:06,805 --> 00:11:08,639 you know... 287 00:11:08,674 --> 00:11:09,875 iffy. 288 00:11:11,157 --> 00:11:12,284 Hey, Lisa. 289 00:11:12,321 --> 00:11:14,010 I want you to know I'm working on the man sitch, 290 00:11:14,023 --> 00:11:16,099 but your parents aren't really making it easy. 291 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,121 You know what? That's... that's okay, Tessa. 292 00:11:18,128 --> 00:11:18,983 I'm good to go. 293 00:11:19,017 --> 00:11:19,923 Good to go? 294 00:11:19,942 --> 00:11:21,652 Uh, I've... 295 00:11:22,094 --> 00:11:23,439 I've found someone. 296 00:11:23,721 --> 00:11:26,011 Please tell me it isn't your cousin Tate. 297 00:11:27,094 --> 00:11:28,659 What's the haps, sweet cheeks? 298 00:11:28,694 --> 00:11:30,151 I got some giant sour gumballs 299 00:11:30,152 --> 00:11:32,399 - that turn your teeth crazy colors. - You interested? 300 00:11:32,519 --> 00:11:34,283 Oh, I'm interested. 301 00:11:34,308 --> 00:11:35,585 I'm real interested. 302 00:11:35,705 --> 00:11:37,435 Take a picture, red. It'll last longer. 303 00:11:37,436 --> 00:11:38,663 - Lisa Marie Shay. - Yes? 304 00:11:38,694 --> 00:11:41,562 - This kid is in middle school. - Taking ninth grade math. 305 00:11:41,682 --> 00:11:43,168 Boom. 306 00:11:43,211 --> 00:11:45,364 He... he makes me laugh, Tessa. 307 00:11:45,902 --> 00:11:48,373 He makes me laugh, and he brings me sour stuff, 308 00:11:48,398 --> 00:11:51,395 and... when I'm with him, I just feel... 309 00:11:51,401 --> 00:11:52,545 Prepubescent? 310 00:11:52,614 --> 00:11:54,585 You know I'm your boyfriend's math tutor, right? 311 00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:55,999 Ho ho ho. 312 00:11:56,119 --> 00:11:57,970 Double boom. 313 00:12:00,948 --> 00:12:04,020 I don't care if he is Ryan's math tutor, 314 00:12:04,021 --> 00:12:05,867 there's no one weirder online 315 00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:07,446 than A.J. 316 00:12:07,566 --> 00:12:11,114 After sifting through a bunch of responses from ren faire guys, 317 00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:14,478 I pulled Lisa's photo, and decided to fly blind. 318 00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,323 I didn't want to much importance on looks, 319 00:12:16,324 --> 00:12:18,615 or guys who only cared about looks. 320 00:12:18,735 --> 00:12:20,406 I wanted more for Lisa. 321 00:12:22,377 --> 00:12:25,059 Tessa, I hate when people put half-empty milk cards 322 00:12:25,255 --> 00:12:26,929 back in the fridge without saying anything. 323 00:12:26,930 --> 00:12:28,477 To me it doesn't look half-empty. 324 00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:29,635 It looks half-full. 325 00:12:29,658 --> 00:12:31,668 Oh... I... I see. So... 326 00:12:32,074 --> 00:12:34,053 you think I'm negative too, huh? 327 00:12:34,173 --> 00:12:35,367 I'm just saying there's plenty of milk. 328 00:12:35,374 --> 00:12:37,432 Yeah, but because I don't think there's plenty of milk, 329 00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:38,433 I'm... I'm a bad person, 330 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,499 an undesirable partner, is that it? 331 00:12:43,476 --> 00:12:45,846 - Are you ok? - No! No, apparently I'm not ok. 332 00:12:45,869 --> 00:12:48,364 Apparently I'm negative, and dark and moody. 333 00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:51,398 Quoting the man that's shacking up with my girlfriend. 334 00:12:51,518 --> 00:12:53,683 - Dallas is shacking up with... - Yoni! 335 00:12:54,903 --> 00:12:57,030 - He's back. - Yani is back?! 336 00:12:57,085 --> 00:12:59,540 No. No, not Yani. Yoni. 337 00:12:59,660 --> 00:13:02,027 Yoni. Yo... ni. 338 00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:03,387 To say his name you must purse your lips 339 00:13:03,388 --> 00:13:05,888 as if you were giving a kiss to someone I'm in a relationship with. 340 00:13:06,875 --> 00:13:07,813 Yoni. 341 00:13:09,275 --> 00:13:12,787 - Yoni. - Ok. Wow. Dad, take it from me. 342 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,002 The dating scene is pretty dry right now. So... 343 00:13:16,456 --> 00:13:20,673 unless you want to engage in some 16th-century role-play 344 00:13:21,261 --> 00:13:24,684 and joust for your maiden, I suggest you quit moping. 345 00:13:26,719 --> 00:13:29,791 Oh. And, father, if you can't outsmart... 346 00:13:30,628 --> 00:13:31,830 Yoni, 347 00:13:32,356 --> 00:13:35,540 well, then perhaps you are not my father at all. 348 00:13:36,141 --> 00:13:38,638 Fine. I'll reclaim my wench... 349 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,159 and get some more milk. 350 00:13:41,584 --> 00:13:42,717 Okay, seven bites of meat 351 00:13:42,742 --> 00:13:44,197 before you make a beeline for desert. 352 00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:44,988 You hear me, mister? 353 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:47,146 I'm about to make a beeline for something else. 354 00:13:47,171 --> 00:13:48,185 How 'bout a kiss, dollface? 355 00:13:48,186 --> 00:13:49,843 Okay, don't get fresh. 356 00:13:49,868 --> 00:13:51,476 Lisa, I need to talk to you. 357 00:13:51,824 --> 00:13:53,625 - What? - Alone. 358 00:13:53,852 --> 00:13:55,742 Oh... okay. 359 00:13:55,862 --> 00:13:57,581 Just... just one second there. 360 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,020 What is this all about? 361 00:13:59,051 --> 00:14:02,830 It's about finding you a man who can cut his own meat. 362 00:14:03,936 --> 00:14:05,070 Look. 363 00:14:05,104 --> 00:14:07,648 Tessa, did you place a personal ad for me on the world wide web? 364 00:14:07,673 --> 00:14:08,943 Yes, Lisa, I did. 365 00:14:09,063 --> 00:14:11,877 And I got a response from a guy who sounds pretty great. 366 00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:12,728 Listen. 367 00:14:13,112 --> 00:14:15,375 "Let's hold hands, not devices." 368 00:14:15,394 --> 00:14:16,382 He has hands? 369 00:14:16,415 --> 00:14:18,083 Or do you think he's just lying to sound good? 370 00:14:18,117 --> 00:14:19,892 No, I think he has hands. 371 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:21,864 What? 372 00:14:25,092 --> 00:14:26,435 I can't believe A.J. would defy me 373 00:14:26,436 --> 00:14:27,319 and go straight for desert. 374 00:14:27,337 --> 00:14:29,164 No way he had seven bites of meat. No way. 375 00:14:29,284 --> 00:14:31,911 Okay. I'm in. But you and Ryan have to come. Just... 376 00:14:31,917 --> 00:14:33,437 Okay, great. Double date. Sounds fun. 377 00:14:33,450 --> 00:14:35,233 Okay. Just... will you excuse me? 378 00:14:35,239 --> 00:14:36,847 I have to put somebody in a time-out. 379 00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:38,142 Anthony James, 380 00:14:38,318 --> 00:14:39,907 how many times have we had this conversation? 381 00:14:39,908 --> 00:14:41,514 Food is a privilege. 382 00:14:42,703 --> 00:14:45,118 Sometimes, instead of walking away from a problem, 383 00:14:45,162 --> 00:14:49,066 you have to do the opposite and take it for a walk. 384 00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:55,129 Not a word. 385 00:14:59,508 --> 00:15:01,259 Daddy Altman? 386 00:15:01,603 --> 00:15:03,042 Are you abducting our dog? 387 00:15:03,043 --> 00:15:04,369 What? No. No. 388 00:15:04,557 --> 00:15:06,974 No, I was, uh, I was just gonna take her for a walk. 389 00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:08,592 Uh... 390 00:15:09,406 --> 00:15:10,551 wanna come with? 391 00:15:12,455 --> 00:15:14,304 And I guess I'm just having a hard time 392 00:15:14,305 --> 00:15:16,526 wrapping my head around why a loving God 393 00:15:16,538 --> 00:15:18,594 would ask Abraham or whatever 394 00:15:18,628 --> 00:15:21,363 to sacrifice his, like, precious son. 395 00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:24,747 I mean, what kind of power trip must he have been on? 396 00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:26,961 And also if I do go down this route, 397 00:15:27,012 --> 00:15:30,027 I totally got jerked on the whole bat mitzvah thing. 398 00:15:30,322 --> 00:15:32,930 And in closing, kugel... 399 00:15:33,793 --> 00:15:34,757 Why? 400 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,642 Well, those... those are all good questions. 401 00:15:38,861 --> 00:15:39,862 Thank you. 402 00:15:39,881 --> 00:15:41,263 Ex... except the last one. 403 00:15:41,270 --> 00:15:43,128 Man, it's so great to hear 404 00:15:43,248 --> 00:15:44,923 what's going on inside your head. 405 00:15:45,043 --> 00:15:46,193 Yeah. 406 00:15:46,875 --> 00:15:49,172 And also, I'm failing science. 407 00:15:49,292 --> 00:15:51,774 While George continued uncovering the mystery 408 00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:52,732 that was Dalia, 409 00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:55,197 I was selling Lisa on the merits of her mystery date. 410 00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:56,892 - Okay, so listen to this. - Yeah? 411 00:15:57,111 --> 00:15:59,826 Every morning at dawn, he writes a poem. 412 00:15:59,946 --> 00:16:03,167 And every evening at sunset, he burns it. 413 00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:04,612 Why? 414 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,728 Because the poem only belonged to the day. 415 00:16:08,097 --> 00:16:09,148 Wow. 416 00:16:09,192 --> 00:16:11,657 I mean, talking about holding yourself to a high standard. 417 00:16:11,663 --> 00:16:14,209 No, I know. That's what it's all about, right? 418 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,085 - Totally. - Yeah. 419 00:16:16,098 --> 00:16:19,620 Oh, and I... I... I brought a copy of his favorite book 420 00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:20,878 so we could discuss it at dinner. 421 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,638 I'm only six chapters through, but so far, it's really good. 422 00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:25,921 Great. Um, so I guess 423 00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:28,849 I'll just listen to you guys while you talk about it, or... 424 00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:30,489 Crap. 425 00:16:30,733 --> 00:16:32,790 I totally should have had you read it. 426 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:33,610 It's okay. 427 00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:35,887 I guess just 'cause we've been e-mailing back and forth, 428 00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,833 I kind of got sucked in. 429 00:16:38,496 --> 00:16:40,505 Are you falling for my Internet boyfriend 430 00:16:40,523 --> 00:16:41,887 before I've had a chance to? 431 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,189 Don't be ridiculous. 432 00:16:43,309 --> 00:16:45,073 I'm very happy with my boyfriend, 433 00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,205 and you're gonna be really happy... 434 00:16:46,236 --> 00:16:49,108 with my ex-boyfriend. 435 00:16:49,459 --> 00:16:50,385 Scott Strauss. 436 00:16:50,505 --> 00:16:51,799 Tessa. 437 00:16:51,919 --> 00:16:53,970 I found an awesome parking spot. 438 00:16:54,358 --> 00:16:56,135 Sorry. We're handicapped, right? 439 00:16:56,255 --> 00:16:58,137 Right. Very. 440 00:17:00,363 --> 00:17:02,334 If a flicker of regret crossed my mind, 441 00:17:02,384 --> 00:17:04,411 it was erased by the time the first chunk 442 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,376 of cheese-soaked baguette hit my lips. 443 00:17:06,420 --> 00:17:08,478 Listening to him talk, I was reminded 444 00:17:08,516 --> 00:17:10,742 of the great Scott Strauss paradox... 445 00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:12,626 how could someone who looks so good on paper 446 00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:16,948 and look so good in person be such a freakin' bore? 447 00:17:16,980 --> 00:17:20,202 Let's think about that as we share this cheese. 448 00:17:20,322 --> 00:17:23,131 So I heard you were journaling in Barcelona? 449 00:17:23,199 --> 00:17:25,212 Barcelona destroyed me. 450 00:17:25,246 --> 00:17:27,128 Nearly destroyed my whole family. 451 00:17:27,391 --> 00:17:28,680 I'll never go back there. 452 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,294 No, I... I know what you mean. 453 00:17:30,414 --> 00:17:33,501 My family stayed at an all-inclusive in Cancun, 454 00:17:33,621 --> 00:17:35,442 and... it wasn't great. 455 00:17:38,259 --> 00:17:41,681 Although I did like that you could pay for things with beads. 456 00:17:41,801 --> 00:17:43,245 I have a question. 457 00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:45,948 How do you get your hair so silky? 458 00:17:46,004 --> 00:17:48,056 You have to admit, it's incredibly silky. 459 00:17:48,176 --> 00:17:50,840 I use jojoba oil that I hand-squeeze 460 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,161 from organic jojoba seeds that I grow 461 00:17:53,174 --> 00:17:55,883 in a planter that I built from jojoba husks. 462 00:17:55,902 --> 00:17:57,766 Oh, my God. Stop saying "jojoba." 463 00:18:00,388 --> 00:18:02,821 - A lot of people don't know that. - Mnh-mnh. 464 00:18:02,822 --> 00:18:05,657 I didn't mean to sound condescending. - No, no. 465 00:18:05,694 --> 00:18:07,915 Just truly, people don't know that. 466 00:18:07,927 --> 00:18:10,849 Back to your hair... may I feel it? 467 00:18:12,126 --> 00:18:13,377 I want you to. 468 00:18:17,732 --> 00:18:19,771 Jojoba. 469 00:18:21,592 --> 00:18:23,444 Tessa, leave me for him. You have to. 470 00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:24,376 No. 471 00:18:24,388 --> 00:18:25,838 There's no accounting for love, 472 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,110 but when you find the right person, you know it. 473 00:18:29,157 --> 00:18:31,158 Lisa! Baby, I miss us! 474 00:18:31,214 --> 00:18:32,391 Lisa! 475 00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:33,486 Oh, my God. 476 00:18:33,606 --> 00:18:34,906 Lisa? 477 00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,590 Lisa! 478 00:18:37,596 --> 00:18:39,416 Hey. Where are you going? 479 00:18:39,417 --> 00:18:40,969 Tessa, I'm... I'm sorry, 480 00:18:41,006 --> 00:18:43,102 but I have to get out of here. 481 00:18:43,127 --> 00:18:45,141 This dinner is destroying me. 482 00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:48,307 I'm not gonna find love in this restaurant. Not tonight. 483 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,197 How do you know? 484 00:18:51,441 --> 00:18:54,013 Because I f... found it once. 485 00:18:55,452 --> 00:18:57,223 And I... I remember what it felt like, 486 00:18:57,254 --> 00:18:59,000 and I, um, I just think 487 00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:02,628 I'm gonna need to learn to be alone... 488 00:19:03,173 --> 00:19:05,378 for now. 489 00:19:07,464 --> 00:19:09,835 Unless you wanna sleep over. 490 00:19:11,925 --> 00:19:13,120 Yeah, I'll sleep over. 491 00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:15,241 Okay. Thanks. 492 00:19:16,668 --> 00:19:19,326 Oh, my gosh! Look at Yakult! 493 00:19:19,376 --> 00:19:21,673 She's got a spring in her step again. 494 00:19:21,904 --> 00:19:24,651 I haven't seen her go that hard since she was a puppy. 495 00:19:25,245 --> 00:19:26,340 Really? 496 00:19:26,390 --> 00:19:28,843 Ugh. No wonder why I was feeling body ache, 497 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,633 chills, and a loose stool coming on. 498 00:19:30,753 --> 00:19:33,067 I knew it was either George Altman 499 00:19:33,079 --> 00:19:34,744 or a parasitic tapeworm. 500 00:19:34,938 --> 00:19:37,440 Oh, wait. I forgot. 501 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,193 Same thing. Burn. 502 00:19:40,587 --> 00:19:42,384 I've been taking the girls on some walks, 503 00:19:42,396 --> 00:19:45,061 spending a little quality time with the both of them. 504 00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:47,045 And they have never been happier. 505 00:19:47,301 --> 00:19:48,521 It's true. 506 00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:51,124 And daddy Altman lets me walk off the leash. 507 00:19:51,174 --> 00:19:52,319 Yoni. 508 00:19:52,332 --> 00:19:53,688 You said dog walking was 509 00:19:53,689 --> 00:19:56,380 poochie propaganda perpetuated by the poop bag peeps. 510 00:19:56,442 --> 00:19:59,114 Yeah. The truth is, I... 511 00:19:59,409 --> 00:20:01,223 I don't really know much about dogs. 512 00:20:01,261 --> 00:20:03,232 So... George was right? 513 00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:06,191 This was just an elaborate ruse to try to get me back 514 00:20:06,223 --> 00:20:07,624 because you're still in love with me? 515 00:20:07,693 --> 00:20:08,800 No. 516 00:20:09,057 --> 00:20:10,972 He just doesn't want daddy Altman to have you. 517 00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:12,730 A... and he wants to stay in your guest house, 518 00:20:12,742 --> 00:20:14,769 because his credit is iffy. 519 00:20:14,832 --> 00:20:15,764 It is not my fault. 520 00:20:15,802 --> 00:20:18,178 I was living with this chick that I met at burning man. 521 00:20:18,203 --> 00:20:19,436 She was on ecstasy, 522 00:20:19,556 --> 00:20:21,551 and she got a hold of my P.I.N. number. 523 00:20:21,619 --> 00:20:23,046 Nobody cares, Yoni. 524 00:20:23,065 --> 00:20:24,491 It's time for you to go. 525 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,743 Wait, wait. Let... let me just stay for four to six weeks. 526 00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:27,970 Four to six weeks? 527 00:20:27,988 --> 00:20:29,819 Can I at least borrow 5 bucks for cigarettes? 528 00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:30,816 - No! - No. 529 00:20:30,936 --> 00:20:32,993 Come on, Yakult. 530 00:20:33,113 --> 00:20:35,195 Let's go play that game daddy Altman invented 531 00:20:35,214 --> 00:20:38,142 where I throw a ball and you bring it back. 532 00:20:38,406 --> 00:20:40,351 What's it called? 533 00:20:40,471 --> 00:20:41,952 "Bring it back"? 534 00:20:42,540 --> 00:20:44,077 Mm-hmm. 535 00:20:45,476 --> 00:20:46,833 Come on, Yakult. 536 00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:49,693 You know she's failing science, right? 537 00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,394 - What? - Yeah. 538 00:20:51,582 --> 00:20:53,534 Well, how do you know that? 539 00:20:53,654 --> 00:20:55,366 I talked to her. 540 00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:58,295 She's also toying with the idea of converting to Judaism. 541 00:20:58,415 --> 00:20:59,840 - Dalia is? - Yeah. 542 00:20:59,847 --> 00:21:00,960 So what now? 543 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,826 Take the damn dog for a walk around the block 544 00:21:04,098 --> 00:21:06,510 and do science flash cards as we go? 545 00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:08,499 Stop for bagels along the way? 546 00:21:08,549 --> 00:21:09,663 Sound like a plan. 547 00:21:09,694 --> 00:21:12,183 No more healers, dog walkers, or gurus. 548 00:21:12,184 --> 00:21:16,007 From now on, we handle all our problems ourselves. 549 00:21:16,127 --> 00:21:17,496 So wait... 550 00:21:17,778 --> 00:21:20,280 the dog throws the ball, and I do what now? 551 00:21:21,256 --> 00:21:22,331 You know what? 552 00:21:22,332 --> 00:21:24,553 We might want to hire a specialist for this one. 553 00:21:26,976 --> 00:21:32,263 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - Resync for WEB-DL by lost0ne - - www.addic7ed.com -