sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com
Brring, brring.
Ooga. Ooga.
Oh! Ze bicycle falls!
I must tighten ze bolts.
Uh, grandma...
There's no bicycle there.
Who is zis grandma you speak of?
I am Gretchen,
owner of largest strudel factory in Austria.
By any chance has Gretchen been into the schnapps?
No, Geoffrey got me into his improv class,
and I love it.
Come on. Quick, quick. Give me a situation.
Okay, okay. Two kids are doing homework,
and their grandma is being quiet. Go.
You two still at it? It's gettin' kind of late.
Ze witching hour is soon upon us.
So I see you guys have met Gretchen.
Isn't she fun?
She's not supposed to be fun.
She spent half her life trying to climb over the Berlin wall.
Count your blessings.
Yesterday, she was bubbles the stripper.
Oh! Oh! Watch! You step on my bicycle!
Oh!
This way I will come no more.
Cash, did you finish your writing assignment?
Yep. My one-act play is done.
Crushed it. So good, I might actually get a "C."
Good deal. What's it about?
It's about this family that texts
way more than they're supposed to.
And then the dad gets really upset,
'cause the bill just gets, like, out of control.
The happy ending is, they switch carriers.
Cash, that sounds like a commercial I've seen.
What? No. It... it...
It is. This is hard.
I know it is, but you can't turn that in.
Ooh. I have an idea.
Oh, well, I'll take anything.
- Okay, okay, ready? - Mm-hmm.
It's about a gecko who wants to sell you insurance.
Uh-huh? Keep goin'.
No.
Don't keep goin'.
Cash, you can't write a play based on a commercial.
What if your teacher owns a television?
You know what, mom? I'm beat.
I'm just... I'm just gonna hit it hard tomorrow mornin'.
When's it due?
Tomorrow mornin'.
Come on, Cash. It is a one-act play.
What's that? Ten pages?
Come on. Shouldn't be that hard.
But I don't know what to write about.
Okay. It's just like writing a song.
Look into your life.
Write what you know.
Just like if I was gonna be writin' a song right now,
I'd call it "do your dang homework, boy."
♪ Walkin' with my head high
♪ soakin' up the sunshine
♪ la-la-la-la-la, life is sweet ♪
Hey, principal Clark.
I have the receipts for the French horn
that the, uh, committee bought for the orchestra.
Ah. Music to my ears.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
That's clever.
It was unintentional.
Have a great day.
Oh, you know, while you're here,
uh, I wanted to discuss Cash.
His English teacher came to me
about the one-act play that he wrote.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
See, Cash is a bright kid.
It's just that English isn't his thing.
We haven't found his thing.
Well, actually, Cash wrote a very good play.
He got an "A"-plus.
My Cash?
Southern accent? Walks like this...
That's him.
Wow.
Wow, wonder why he didn't tell me about that.
Well, he may have been reluctant
because, you know, the subject is of such a...
Uh, personal nature.
Personal nature? What's... what's the play about?
I'm sorry, but I really can't discuss it.
We have a policy about that.
You were the one that brought the play up in the first place.
No, I brought up his grade.
Our policy allows us to discuss academic excellence,
but not intellectual content.
Are you actually telling me
that you have a policy where you can't tell a mother
what her son wrote?
Or her daughter.
We also have a strict gender equality policy.
Well, do you have a policy that says I can't go home
and ask my son what he wrote about?
Why would we have a policy like that?
That would be insane.
Fine. I'll just ask him when I get home.
Come on. Just a little hint. Come on.
An "A"-plus?
Yep. "A"-plus...
When an "A" just isn't enough.
Just to be clear...
The letter "A," followed by one of these?
Yep. That's the one, in green pen and circled.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Aw. Well, I'm sure you'd be able to grasp it
if you weren't just a regular "A" student.
Oh. Hey, mom.
Hey, Cash.
Mr. Clark said you got an "A"-plus on your play.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.
Oh, man, I'm so proud of you.
Must be a heck of a play.
Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without you, mom.
Yeah. See ya.
Uh...
What's it about?
It's just like you told me.
I, uh, wrote about stuff I know.
Oh, so it turns out that you did know some stuff.
What kind of stuff did you end up knowin'?
Oh... All kinds of stuff.
Can I read it?
I'm not sure that you'd like it.
It's... it's kind of a comedy.
Oh, whoa, whoa. I love comedy.
Yeah, but I'm not sure you'd get my kind of comedy.
I'm a pretty dark dude.
Well...
Yeah, you're dark.
You still sleep with a stuffed animal.
Hey, it's a pillow in the shape of a horse!
Okay, give us a-a place and an occupation,
and we will turn it into improv magic.
Okay.
Oh, boy, is it always this hard?
No... just anything.
Okay, it's just I don't wanna get it wrong.
- Oh, no, no. There's no right or wrong. - All right.
A space station in hell...
And a dead guy. Go.
Okay, that's wrong.
Hey, guys, I just saw Cash outside.
Did y'all know that he's written this great play?
Oh, good for him. What's it about?
Well, that's the thing. I don't know.
He won't tell me, which makes me even more curious.
Well, let's just go through his backpack then.
What?
"Leaving Nashville...
A one-act play written by Cash Gallagher."
I bet this is it.
Okay, put it back.
If he doesn't want me to read it,
I-I shouldn't invade his privacy.
You know, he lives in your house.
You feed him. You clothe him.
He doesn't have any privacy.
Good point, mama.
You know what? Let's do a reading of the play.
I've been dying to, you know, try out my skills from my class.
Oh, I haven't done real acting since...
Since I took a girl to prom.
Ooh, you know what?
I'm very bossy, so I should direct.
Okay. Geoffrey, let's see here.
You could play "Robby."
- Mm-hmm? - It says that you're a famous baseball player
who's just come back from the road.
And, um, Reba, come, come.
All right. You will play "Rita."
- Yeah? - His redheaded wife who he has just cheated on.
Mm.
I've seen this play.
It's a good one.
Rita, I'm sorry.
I had intimate relations with another woman.
But what she and I made... it wasn't love.
And then you do this part.
"Well, it sure as heck wasn't apple pandowdy."
Rita, I'm not the only one at fault here.
You lied to me. You said we'd stay together.
What can I do to make things right?
"If you could chop off your head
and go bowlin' with it, that would be a start."
What are y'all laughin' at?
You are funny.
The way you give those zingers on every line,
it's fantastic.
No, really, it is, even though
I don't know what you're doing with your performance, but...
So let's see. Now... "Rita packs her suitcase."
Rita packs her suitcase. Hello?
Oh, come on, Reba.
Show some craft.
- Oh, that's enough! - Ow!
You slammed the suitcase on my finger!
No, this is good. This is good.
We're finally seeing some passion from you.
Let's use that.
I'm done. This play is ridiculous.
I should have let Cash do the one about that dang gecko.
Well, you told him to write about what he knows.
Yeah, but is this the way Cash sees the divorce?
How is it that I'm the bad guy,
- and Bobby... - Robby.
Fine. Robby turns out to be the good guy?
You know if I would have used this voice
on prom night, might have gotten me some action.
I'm so glad I didn't.
Oh, hey, Cash. Whatcha doin'? Workin' on your play?
Oh, no. I nailed that sucker. Boom!
But now I gotta come up with something
to follow my masterpiece. Pressure's on, mama.
Yeah, but I've heard that the great writers
keep tinkering on their masterpiece.
You know, fixing all the stuff in it
that's, um... wrong?
Mom, tinkering is what ruined "Hamlet."
Unlike Shakespeare, I know when to back off.
Anyway, I-I was staring out at the ocean,
wondering what story to tell next,
and it hit me... a drama about a family of dolphins
that kidnap a human baby and raise it as their own.
It's called "Love on Porpoise."
I love it. It's good, right?
Yeah. I mean, who doesn't love dolphins?
And who doesn't love a great family story
that's told... accurately?
- What do you mean? - What if...
- And I'm just spitballing here... - Mm-hmm?
What if the daddy dolphin cheats on the mama dolphin?
Wouldn't it make sense
that the daddy dolphin is the bad guy?
I don't know. Dolphins are famously monogamous.
I read your play.
What? You did?
Yes, I did, but in my defense...
I really wanted to.
See, this is why I didn't want you to read it.
I knew that you wouldn't get it.
Get what? That the guy has an affair,
and he's the hero?
And the woman he cheats on... She's the villain?
She's not the villain. She gets all the jokes.
It's a comedy!
A comedy? Oh, my gosh!
The guy cheats on his wife, and he calls her a liar?
What's that?
Hilarious!
Look, mom,
Robby is not dad, and Rita is not you.
It's... it's a play.
Hamlet wasn't Shakespeare's father.
He was just some guy that Shakespeare came up with
because he couldn't think of anything better!
Like a human baby that had been kidnapped by dolphins!
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Okay, in fairness,
I realize they didn't have dolphins back then.
I'm just... I'm just trying to make a point.
Look, you're the one who told me to write what I know.
So I wrote a made-up comedy
based on something that I've lived through.
Oh, you made up some stuff. That's for sure.
But if this is a comedy,
then there's a teeny, weeny little problem.
It ain't funny!
Well, I guess we'll know tomorrow night!
What are you talking about?
My play got picked to be performed
at the school's talent night.
It's gonna be performed? Why?
Because people think it's funny.
And if you don't, then maybe you shouldn't come.
Well, fine, then maybe I won't.
Fine, then don't!
Fine, then I won't!
Fine!
And for your information,
this argument was way funnier than your play!
Okay, Kim, if you wanna learn improv,
the most important thing is to work together.
Right, right.
Mm, and to be the star, but...
Okay. Okay, so let's start easy, okay?
You and Lillie Mae are at a diner.
Okay. Okay. But what do I do?
Uh, just, uh, play along
and agree with everything I say.
Okay. (Laughs) Hey, look, I'm doing it already.
- Well...
And go. So, you want a burger?
No. No.
Okay.
All right, I'm gonna... I'm gonna stop you right there.
We never say "no" in improv.
Oh. Okay, I got it. Okay, let's go.
Okay? Okay, good.
And go.
So, do you want a burger?
Negateev.
Okay, mami, again, any time you say something that means "no,"
the scene has nowhere to go. Understand?
No, okay, I do understand, I just really feel
like my character would not want a burger.
You have to go with it, 'cause that's the way it works.
Okay. Okay. I'm good.
I got it. Okay. Okay. Okay, good.
And go.
So, you want a burger?
Yes.
A veggie burger.
And...
And I hate you, dad.
And... and I'm moving out.
'Cause I know that you're mad at me
because I'm wanted by the law,
but, see, I didn't know the money was counterfeit.
And even if I did, so what?
So what? I say to you!
Ooh! You wanna be the one that throws me in jail
and just locks away the key forever?
Huh? Do ya? Do ya?
No.
You know, this talent night might be long.
You think I'm allowed to bring water?
I don't see why not.
Good, good. This looks like water, doesn't it?
Even if I put an olive in it?
Mama, do what you want to. I'm not goin' anyway.
Well, why?
Do you have any idea how hard it will be on me
to sit there and watch that play?
You know what would help you
work out your feelings about this?
Okay, don't you say...
Improv.
That.
We're gonna need two characters.
I'm gonna be a young country music singer,
and you be my mom.
Oh, I'm gonna be your mama? Great.
- Go to your room. - Oh, now...
Ha. Don't you jump the scene, honey.
Uh, I'll start.
Mama, mama, I just wrote a new song.
Oh, congratulations.
And scene.
Here's how it goes...
"You don't know what's in my heart.
You and I have grown apart."
- Why are you... - "Good-bye,
"I'm on my way to find my world.
I just can't be mama's little girl."
That's not improv.
That's a song off my second album.
Yeah, it is...
A song about how I didn't understand
that you were growing up.
Do you know how hard it was for me
to sit in the audience when you would sing it?
But, mama, that song's not about you...
Exactly.
Well...
I-it was just...
A song.
Just a song.
A song that was hard for me to hear
because it touched on the truth.
Are you saying that there's some truth in Cash's play
that I don't want to admit?
Maybe.
And once you figure out what that is,
you can put on your big girl panties
and go watch it.
Hey.
We came to wish out little Neil Simon good luck.
Um, I don't think he goes to my school.
You know what's funny?
I'm usually the kid doing extracurricular stuff
and winning awards
and getting all kinds of recognition in school,
and Cash is not, but tonight, Cash is and I'm not,
and that's kind of funny,
and I just thought I'd point that out.
Aw, thanks, June.
Man, I'm kinda nervous.
My hands are all sweaty. My mouth is dry.
Can I get a sip of that water?
Oh. No.
So, um, where's mom?
Your mom...
Right here.
My big girl panties
are a tad bit uncomfortable.
Yeah, well, big girl panties usually are.
Let's get our seats.
We don't wanna miss a minute of this masterpiece.
- Good luck. - Thanks.
Listen, I think I figured out
what's been buggin' me about your play.
You know, the character based on me being a liar?
It's because it's true.
Mom, I already told you, it's just a comedy.
- It's not true. - Yes, it is.
In the beginning, Rita tells Robby,
even though he's cheated on her, that she's gonna stay with him.
- Mm-hmm? - But in the end, she leaves.
So technically, you could say she's a liar.
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness.
Mom, no, no, no. I-I-I swear,
I-I wasn't even thinkin' that when I wrote it.
I know you weren't, honey.
You were just writing what you know.
But sometimes stuff comes up
that... that you don't even realize was eatin' at you.
Well, I... Now that you bring it up,
why... why did you tell us that you were gonna stay with dad
and then not do it?
Because I really did believe I could.
Honey, a relationship is built on trust.
And once that trust is broken,
there's no way you could stay with that person,
no matter how much you really want to.
I could tell you more,
but I don't want it to be showing up
in your play, "Love on Porpoise."
Oh... oh, my gosh.
I can't... I-I can't let this play go on.
I-I don't want all those people
laughin' at the pain that you went through.
And trust me, they will be laughing,
because this thing is funny.
Honey, I don't give a raccoon's behind
what those people out there think about me.
But I do care what you think about me.
You sure you're okay with all this?
As long as you're okay with this.
Mama, always.
All right. There goes my Rita.
It's showtime.
Knock 'em out, kiddo.
Ah, Ms. Mackenzie. Glad I found you.
Why?
I need you to sign the consent form for Cash's play.
- Why? - Because the play is about you.
Oh, no, no. The play's totally make-believe.
Rita, we need to talk.
Why?
Yeah, I ain't signin' that.
Hey, June.
Now that my play has been mounted
in front of tens... nay... dozens of people,
I wanna know what you think.
Well, first of all,
kudos to you for using "nay" correctly.
And may I say nay to you for using "kudos" correctly?
But seriously, June, what'd you think?
The audience seemed to like it.
Well, yeah, but I wanna know what you think.
Come on. I'm a writer now. We thrive on feedback.
Well, since you're asking...
You put a lot of heart into it,
and I give you credit for that,
but there wasn't any structure, you know?
The characters just sort of seemed
to come in and out of scenes for no reason whatsoever,
and their personalities would change
based on the jokes you wanted them to tell.
So...
Kudos?
Nay.
Yeah!
Oh. Mm.
Ah.
Oh, feels so good to...
release.
Oh.
Don't watch your granny.
Just having fun.
sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com