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Previously on Californication...
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I will love you till the end of time,
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but I can no longer be your husband.
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- It's such a fucking relief!
- I know, right?
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It's fucking liberating!
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- I'm dropping out of school.
- Oh, no, you're not.
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- I want to be a writer.
- Why?
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Being a writer sucks.
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I really thought
you'd be more supportive.
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I want an agent who understands
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what I'm going through,
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both as an artist and as a gay man.
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I want a gay-gent.
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We were in such
a great place that night.
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And if we stand any chance
of getting back there,
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you have to pull your shit together.
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Well, I really loved your book, Ophelia.
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Good for you, Marcy.
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You don't need a man to be happy.
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Did you sign Robbie Mac?
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Yeah, I wasn't sure
if it was gonna stick.
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Well, it stuck, all right.
It's on deadline.
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[Chuckles]
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Do you know that fucker?
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This fucker is supposed
to be in rehab right now!
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It appears that I have had a relapse.
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I got to get myself
back to rehab posthaste.
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Do you think maybe
you can give me a ride?
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Here's to your
semi-successful rehab stint.
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Cheers.
[Glasses clink]
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And here's
to my cock-happy gay-gent.
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Mm!
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It's a better life, Hank.
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The gays--
they got it all figured out,
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especially when it comes to sex.
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They want to get laid, they just do it.
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They act on their impulses--
no guilt, no shame.
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Heterosexuality should get down
on bended knee
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and take a lesson.
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I'll bring it up
at the next board meeting.
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It's good to have you back, buddy!
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It's good to be back.
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So...
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what's next?
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Well, I got something in mind.
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I-I don't know
if it's a novel.
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I don't know if it's a short story.
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It's definitely a character.
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I met this woman
in rehab--
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Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that all sounds great, but--
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Mm? Yep, yep, yep.
You see it coming.
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I got an offer for you!
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And I pass.
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- What, you pass?
- Yeah.
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- What the fuck?
- Mm-hmm.
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I'm gonna write on spec
for a while, Charlie, okay?
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No Hollywood fingers
in my sweet, little cornhole.
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[Scoffs] Why would
you want to work for free
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when I can get you a major payday?
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- Don't you need one?
- Um...
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you just dropped major
fucking ducats on rehab.
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Well, yeah, sure,
paydays are always nice.
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Yeah, yeah.
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What if it was a quick assignment?
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Yeah, well, they never are.
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What if it was a remake of Cruising?
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Come on, Billy Friedkin, Al Pacino.
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And so it begins.
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I got it all cued up for you
right here, okay?
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- Charlie--
- Look, no, no, no, no.
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You just need to sit down
and relax, hmm?
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I got the popcorn.
I got the red vines.
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Charlie, I don't feel like
screening a movie with you
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right now.
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I want to go see Karen, check up
on the state of our union.
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Well, you got homework to do, man.
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We got ourselves a big
Hollywood meeting tomorrow.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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It's gonna be amazing, Hank.
Nothing to be nervous about.
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- I'm not nervous.
- Good.
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- Are you?
- No, no, no.
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Totally sanguine.
I'm the sanguinator.
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Mm, well, you're sweating
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through that cheap, ugly suit of yours.
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I know, I know, I know.
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Hank, this could be such a big meeting,
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and I can't get Robbie on the phone.
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- He's supposed to be here.
- I'm sure it's fine.
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I'm sure he's just out
somewhere, you know--
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- Sucking a dick somewhere.
- Whoa, jeez, Charlie.
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That's a little...something,
don't you think?
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Hank, the guy sucks a whole
bag of dicks before breakfast.
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A whole bag?
That's a lot of protein.
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I hope he eats a light breakfast.
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Or maybe throw some veggies in there.
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I'm not nervous.
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- Ali's a huge fan.
- Ali?
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- Yeah. Ali Andrews.
- Charlie--
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She's a huge fan of yours in particular.
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Charlie, Ali Andrews was the executive
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on Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
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She came on to me.
I rebuffed her advances.
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She fired me, had me rewritten.
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Any of this sound familiar?
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Vaguely.
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Charlie, how the fuck
do you forget this shit?
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It's all coming back to me now.
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Because you've burned
a lot of bridges, Hank.
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All the people you've pissed
off--they move around a lot.
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Hank, she's running the studio now.
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[Door opens]
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Charlie.
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Hank.
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Ali.
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So lovely to see you.
Come on in.
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Ali Andrews...
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one of the most successful women
in Hollywood.
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Lucky 7 on the 30 under 30--
congrats on that.
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- Where's your client, Charlie?
- Oh, he'll be here any minute.
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You all are in for a real treat too.
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- He is stunningly handsome.
- Well, he's a movie star.
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Of course he's stunning.
But is he clean?
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Immaculate.
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He's so clean, you could eat off of him.
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Yeah, I heard that
was your thing now, right?
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- I always had a feeling.
- Me too.
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So, Hank, tell me a story.
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You've seen the original movie?
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- I have. It's brilliant.
- "Brilliant."
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Why is everything always
"brilliant" with you people?
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Why can't anything be just good or okay?
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But I-I-I digress.
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You've seen the original.
That's my story.
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Well, how do you plan to update it?
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- I mean, what's your take?
- My take?
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My take is I'll take it.
I'll take it and make it my own.
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[Chuckles]
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Oh, oh, I-I get it.
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You know, story's really
never been your thing, right?
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You're all about voice and attitude,
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lots of talk, no action.
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Oh, okay.
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So we both know what this is about.
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- We do?
- Yes.
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And if you're still wanting
to make shit happen,
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- I'm down with it.
- You're kidding me.
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I was in a loving, monogamous
relationship at the time.
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Now not so much.
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I mean, it's still loving,
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but we can't seem to get back
on the physical plane,
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which sucks, but it does afford
me certain freedoms.
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I wish you were this
imaginative in your writing.
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I think it would clear the air, right?
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I mean, you're obviously
a woman that's used to getting
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what she wants, you know.
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And I'm the guy that said "No, thanks"
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to your fleshy goodness,
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which makes me the one that got away.
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So you've put me up on this pedestal
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built of bitterness and regret.
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This is exciting, hmm?
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The sexual tension--
it's--it's thick. [Laughs]
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I mean, you could--you could cut
it with a knife
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and spread it on some crostini.
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Why don't you two get the fuck
out of my office?
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I have a studio to run.
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[Judas Priest's You've Got
Another Thing Comin']
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Who wants to remake a classic
fucking movie from the '70s?
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It came out in '80, actually.
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- Ow.
- Quiet, writer.
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A man who shall remain nameless
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he came out recently.
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He came out in a big, brave, showy way.
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Then he brought me this movie.
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Now, at first, I thought,
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"Who gives a fuck
about anonymous gay men
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punishing each other's assholes
in dark, dank leather bars?"
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Then I thought,
"This guy does."
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Three months in dingy gay bars,
180
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and I get paid for it too?
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So what do you say, handsome?
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- You seen the original?
- Oh, yes.
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Fucking brilliant!
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Turn that shit up.
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♪ You've got another thing comin' ♪
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♪ you've got another thing comin' ♪
187
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♪ you've got another thing comin' ♪
188
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Oh, oh, oh.
189
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♪ You've got another thing ♪
190
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♪ swallow the bone
191
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♪ you've got another thing comin' ♪
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♪ yeah
193
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♪ it's a-comin' at ya
194
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♪ you've got another...
195
00:08:04,105 --> 00:08:08,042
Sold it, in the room--
totally fucking brilliant.
196
00:08:08,076 --> 00:08:09,910
Settle down, Judy Garland.
197
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You guys should come celebrate tonight.
198
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Fist--
199
00:08:12,647 --> 00:08:14,315
Santa Monica and Robertson, be there.
200
00:08:14,349 --> 00:08:15,916
Oh, you're going to fist.
201
00:08:15,951 --> 00:08:17,418
I got a thing over at prolapsed rectum.
202
00:08:17,452 --> 00:08:19,920
- You know, it's in Silver Lake.
- Be there, writer...
203
00:08:19,955 --> 00:08:22,523
- or be off the project.
- He will be there, Robbie.
204
00:08:22,557 --> 00:08:23,857
Sure thing.
205
00:08:23,892 --> 00:08:26,327
Just got to get my assless chaps
out of storage.
206
00:08:26,361 --> 00:08:28,896
[Engine turns, revving]
207
00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:32,166
[Smooches]
208
00:08:34,236 --> 00:08:36,203
He is something, ain't he?
209
00:08:36,238 --> 00:08:37,404
You better be careful,
210
00:08:37,439 --> 00:08:39,240
or else some part of him is gonna end up
211
00:08:39,274 --> 00:08:40,474
in some part of you.
212
00:08:40,508 --> 00:08:42,142
Why you want to rain on my gay parade?
213
00:08:42,177 --> 00:08:43,677
Oh, it's gonna rain, Charlie.
214
00:08:43,712 --> 00:08:44,979
It's gonna rain big buckets
215
00:08:45,013 --> 00:08:47,081
of smooth, creamy
man-cake batter.
216
00:08:47,115 --> 00:08:49,216
I hope you have your umbrella.
217
00:08:49,251 --> 00:08:52,052
Gosh, Marcy, thank you
so much for fitting me in.
218
00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:53,487
Are you kidding me?
219
00:08:53,521 --> 00:08:55,856
This is my pure pleasure.
220
00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:58,859
And by the way, this rip's
on the house--my treat.
221
00:08:58,893 --> 00:08:59,927
[Tearing] Oh!
222
00:08:59,961 --> 00:09:02,263
- Don't be ridiculous.
- [Tapping hand]
223
00:09:02,297 --> 00:09:04,498
- You come highly recommended.
- That's nice.
224
00:09:04,532 --> 00:09:06,500
I mean, I am the shit when it comes
225
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:07,868
to making pussies pretty,
226
00:09:07,902 --> 00:09:12,106
but, uh, your writing
means too much to me.
227
00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:14,108
This shit is gratis.
228
00:09:14,142 --> 00:09:16,377
Thank you, that's very sweet.
229
00:09:16,411 --> 00:09:19,880
[Clears throat]
Can I tell you something?
230
00:09:19,914 --> 00:09:22,583
And trust me, it's gonna sound freaky.
231
00:09:22,617 --> 00:09:23,917
[Tearing]
Ow!
232
00:09:23,952 --> 00:09:26,387
- You can tell me anything.
- [Exhales deeply]
233
00:09:26,421 --> 00:09:30,057
Okay, I've seen a lot of vajay
in my day,
234
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:33,527
but yours is simply stunning.
235
00:09:33,561 --> 00:09:35,896
I mean, it took me a while
to hack through all this brush,
236
00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:38,365
but once I got there, wow.
237
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,867
Thank you.
238
00:09:39,901 --> 00:09:42,069
Honestly, it's like it's glowing.
239
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,971
- You know what it is?
- No.
240
00:09:44,005 --> 00:09:47,408
But please tell me, because mine
looks like day-old deli meat.
241
00:09:47,442 --> 00:09:49,943
It is untouched by man.
242
00:09:49,978 --> 00:09:53,981
But...I mean, do you--
how do you--did you--
243
00:09:54,015 --> 00:09:56,216
Oh--what? Oh, how do
I take care of myself?
244
00:09:56,251 --> 00:09:58,919
Marcy, I do exactly that.
245
00:09:58,953 --> 00:10:00,321
I take care of myself.
246
00:10:00,355 --> 00:10:02,456
I don't need a fucking man
to make me come.
247
00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:04,425
I come all the time.
248
00:10:04,459 --> 00:10:06,560
I just came right now.
249
00:10:06,594 --> 00:10:10,297
- Seriously, you just did?
- No, I'm just kidding.
250
00:10:10,332 --> 00:10:12,266
But I found a better way.
251
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,568
If you withhold, you gain power.
252
00:10:14,602 --> 00:10:16,603
[Exhales sharply]
253
00:10:16,638 --> 00:10:18,806
That is some heady shit, Ophelia.
254
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,276
So, instead of putting my head
in some man's lap,
255
00:10:22,310 --> 00:10:25,279
I put my nose in a book,
and I never looked up.
256
00:10:25,313 --> 00:10:28,782
And guess what.
All my dreams came true.
257
00:10:28,817 --> 00:10:32,019
Are you sure you don't
just like munching box?
258
00:10:32,053 --> 00:10:35,622
I love women, but not like that.
259
00:10:35,657 --> 00:10:36,957
I'd rather be alone,
260
00:10:36,991 --> 00:10:40,127
alone with my first editions
and my hummus.
261
00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:41,195
I love hummus.
262
00:10:41,229 --> 00:10:42,429
What about children?
263
00:10:42,464 --> 00:10:44,665
Ugh, disgusting little creatures.
264
00:10:44,699 --> 00:10:46,533
Church.
265
00:10:48,570 --> 00:10:51,171
[Hard rock guitar music]
266
00:10:51,206 --> 00:10:54,875
♪
267
00:10:54,909 --> 00:10:57,077
Oh, boy!
268
00:10:57,112 --> 00:10:59,747
All right, one drink, Hank.
That's it, I promise.
269
00:10:59,781 --> 00:11:01,181
I can stay all night.
270
00:11:01,216 --> 00:11:04,718
I feel like "Indiana Jones and
the Temple of the Greased Fist."
271
00:11:04,753 --> 00:11:06,854
- Runkle!
- Aah!
272
00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:08,489
Some people I want you to meet!
273
00:11:08,523 --> 00:11:09,690
Going in!
274
00:11:09,724 --> 00:11:12,893
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
275
00:11:14,629 --> 00:11:16,563
What are you drinking?
276
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:20,734
- [Chuckles] Batesy!
- Hank!
277
00:11:20,769 --> 00:11:22,236
What the fuck are you doing here?
278
00:11:22,270 --> 00:11:23,771
What does it look like I'm doing?
279
00:11:23,805 --> 00:11:25,506
Research--got a new book
in the works.
280
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:28,776
Question is, what are
you doing here, kitten?
281
00:11:28,810 --> 00:11:31,345
- Oh, Charlie's gay now.
- Now?
282
00:11:31,379 --> 00:11:33,680
Let me tell you something,
that scrumptious little macaroon
283
00:11:33,715 --> 00:11:35,149
was born with balls on his chin.
284
00:11:35,183 --> 00:11:36,216
[Laughs]
285
00:11:36,251 --> 00:11:38,118
- How's Karen?
- She's good.
286
00:11:38,153 --> 00:11:40,387
She's shacking up with Marcy...
287
00:11:40,422 --> 00:11:41,522
Not in that way.
288
00:11:41,556 --> 00:11:42,790
Well, I'm confused.
289
00:11:42,824 --> 00:11:44,992
Why is she not shacked up
with you in that way?
290
00:11:45,026 --> 00:11:46,293
I'm equally confused.
291
00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:49,363
I guess we're just heroes of bad timing.
292
00:11:49,397 --> 00:11:50,898
Hey, you going to Becca's thing tonight?
293
00:11:50,932 --> 00:11:52,099
What Becca's thing?
294
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,801
How do you know
about Becca's thing tonight?
295
00:11:53,835 --> 00:11:55,035
We keep in touch.
296
00:11:55,069 --> 00:11:56,703
She's always asking me questions
about writing.
297
00:11:56,738 --> 00:11:59,139
She's so cute.
She's fantastic, Hank.
298
00:11:59,174 --> 00:12:01,875
Huh. She never asks me
questions about writing.
299
00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:03,944
Well, that could be one of two things.
300
00:12:03,978 --> 00:12:06,013
Either she recognizes
who the real writer is,
301
00:12:06,047 --> 00:12:08,515
or she's not ready
to let you in yet, Hank.
302
00:12:08,550 --> 00:12:10,217
Come on, it's got to be tough
on the poor gal.
303
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:11,785
She wants to be a writer.
304
00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:13,954
Her dad's, you know,
reasonably good at it.
305
00:12:13,988 --> 00:12:15,989
- "Reasonably"?
- [Chuckles]
306
00:12:16,024 --> 00:12:17,758
It's okay.
You're still young.
307
00:12:17,792 --> 00:12:19,560
If you want to be one of the greats,
308
00:12:19,594 --> 00:12:21,328
you're gonna have to park
your ass in that chair
309
00:12:21,362 --> 00:12:23,297
and bleed on the motherfucker.
310
00:12:23,331 --> 00:12:24,611
Thanks for the gross tip, prof.
311
00:12:24,632 --> 00:12:25,833
Okay.
312
00:12:25,867 --> 00:12:27,534
Listen, I got to go.
I got to get back to work.
313
00:12:27,569 --> 00:12:30,037
- Got a lot of thirsty boys.
- You're a good man, Gunga Din.
314
00:12:30,071 --> 00:12:32,773
- Yes, tipping is permitted.
- Oh, really?
315
00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:35,375
Take your time, sugar.
[Laughs]
316
00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:36,977
There he is.
317
00:12:37,011 --> 00:12:38,979
Abbott's Habit--
it's in Venice.
318
00:12:39,013 --> 00:12:40,747
I think she goes on
around 11:00 or so.
319
00:12:40,782 --> 00:12:42,249
Thanks, Batesy.
320
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,785
Hey, writer.
321
00:12:44,819 --> 00:12:46,720
Oh, wow.
322
00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:48,789
- Wait a minute. [Sniffs]
- Hmm.
323
00:12:48,823 --> 00:12:50,290
Oh, you're real.
324
00:12:50,325 --> 00:12:52,960
I thought you were a mirage,
but you smell of perfume--
325
00:12:52,994 --> 00:12:54,561
- lady-ness.
- Mm.
326
00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:57,464
- What are you doing here?
- Robbie invited us...
327
00:12:57,499 --> 00:12:59,833
- to celebrate.
- Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
328
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,902
Big, gay party at Runkle's!
329
00:13:01,936 --> 00:13:03,403
[All cheering]
330
00:13:03,438 --> 00:13:04,838
Let's go!
331
00:13:07,909 --> 00:13:09,443
[Engines rumbling]
332
00:13:09,477 --> 00:13:11,578
Come on, hop on, Runkle.
You're coming with me.
333
00:13:11,613 --> 00:13:14,314
Wrap your legs around
this steel, bitch--let's go.
334
00:13:14,349 --> 00:13:16,350
Get on it.
[Engines rumbling]
335
00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:18,585
Yes.
336
00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:21,788
[Engine turns, revving]
337
00:13:25,793 --> 00:13:27,394
- You're wrong, Karen.
- What?
338
00:13:27,428 --> 00:13:31,064
You're wrong.
Men are the enemy.
339
00:13:31,099 --> 00:13:32,599
"Menemy" mine.
340
00:13:32,634 --> 00:13:33,667
- "Menenemy."
- [Laughs]
341
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:35,302
"Menemy" mine!
342
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:36,503
Oh, I like that.
343
00:13:36,538 --> 00:13:39,540
That is good, Marcy.
Yes, I love that.
344
00:13:39,574 --> 00:13:41,642
That is the title of my next book.
345
00:13:41,676 --> 00:13:42,643
Thank you.
346
00:13:42,677 --> 00:13:44,411
- Uh...
- Thank you.
347
00:13:44,445 --> 00:13:47,147
Um, The Menemy, my Ophelia Robins.
348
00:13:47,181 --> 00:13:49,583
How men devastate your vagina
349
00:13:49,617 --> 00:13:52,519
and suck out your will to live.
350
00:13:52,554 --> 00:13:53,687
Jesus.
351
00:13:53,721 --> 00:13:55,689
Catchy.
352
00:13:55,723 --> 00:13:57,624
You think my utter hatred of men
353
00:13:57,659 --> 00:13:59,059
is very extreme, don't you?
354
00:13:59,093 --> 00:14:00,060
- Uh...
- I don't.
355
00:14:00,094 --> 00:14:01,862
I do.
Yeah, I do.
356
00:14:01,896 --> 00:14:03,597
Well, let me ask you this, Karen.
357
00:14:03,631 --> 00:14:06,533
Where exactly has
the princess myth gotten you?
358
00:14:06,568 --> 00:14:09,036
Because as far as I can tell,
everyone you've been with
359
00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:10,437
has grown tired of fucking you
360
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:13,640
and wandered off into the tits
and pussy of someone else.
361
00:14:13,675 --> 00:14:15,275
- [Coughs]
- Not Bill.
362
00:14:15,310 --> 00:14:17,844
You got tired of boning Bill,
and you went back to Hank,
363
00:14:17,879 --> 00:14:19,413
and then Bates got
all chicken hawk on you.
364
00:14:19,447 --> 00:14:21,181
Okay, okay,
you don't need to, like--
365
00:14:21,215 --> 00:14:23,016
I was just getting
the history straight.
366
00:14:23,051 --> 00:14:25,886
Karen, you have got to work on yourself.
367
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,854
You need to just get away
368
00:14:27,889 --> 00:14:31,024
from this fairy-tale,
happy-ending fantasy
369
00:14:31,059 --> 00:14:32,726
and focus on the now.
370
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,161
I mean, who are you?
371
00:14:34,195 --> 00:14:35,662
What makes you happy?
372
00:14:35,697 --> 00:14:38,398
That's what I'm doing
right now--that is it.
373
00:14:38,433 --> 00:14:40,801
No, you're not.
You're fighting me.
374
00:14:40,835 --> 00:14:43,537
You're a sophisticated,
intelligent woman.
375
00:14:43,571 --> 00:14:47,274
Why have you spent
so much time with boys?
376
00:14:47,308 --> 00:14:49,710
Boys are fun.
[Marcy chuckles]
377
00:14:49,744 --> 00:14:51,545
Were you molested as a child?
378
00:14:51,579 --> 00:14:53,013
- No.
- You know what?
379
00:14:53,047 --> 00:14:56,683
Seriously, I was.
I think I was.
380
00:14:56,718 --> 00:14:59,653
My crazy uncle Andy used to walk
around the house bottomless
381
00:14:59,687 --> 00:15:01,121
when he babysat us.
382
00:15:01,155 --> 00:15:02,923
Is that--does that count?
383
00:15:02,957 --> 00:15:06,393
Yes, of course it counts, Marcy.
384
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:09,496
The penis is not only
a disgusting appendage,
385
00:15:09,530 --> 00:15:12,032
it is also a deadly weapon.
386
00:15:12,066 --> 00:15:14,534
And in my new book,
the one you just titled,
387
00:15:14,569 --> 00:15:17,070
I advocate the use of a cock cage.
388
00:15:17,105 --> 00:15:20,440
It's like a male chastity device.
389
00:15:20,475 --> 00:15:23,343
And I honestly--
I really think it should be...
390
00:15:23,378 --> 00:15:25,278
What is that?
We didn't order those.
391
00:15:25,313 --> 00:15:27,781
These are courtesy
of the gentlemen over there.
392
00:15:27,815 --> 00:15:29,816
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Oh, snap.
393
00:15:29,851 --> 00:15:31,618
- Oh, how dare they?
- Thank you.
394
00:15:31,653 --> 00:15:33,320
Still got it.
395
00:15:33,354 --> 00:15:35,856
- Ladies...
- Hi.
396
00:15:35,890 --> 00:15:37,190
Hey.
397
00:15:37,225 --> 00:15:38,291
Hello, boys.
398
00:15:38,326 --> 00:15:40,427
Yes, we are ladies.
399
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:42,229
And, uh, we appreciate your interest,
400
00:15:42,263 --> 00:15:44,464
but this overture
was ill-conceived
401
00:15:44,499 --> 00:15:46,366
and amateurishly executed.
402
00:15:46,401 --> 00:15:48,301
So, if you buy us enough of these,
403
00:15:48,336 --> 00:15:50,170
then we're just supposed
to spread our legs
404
00:15:50,204 --> 00:15:52,139
and suck your dirty cocks.
405
00:15:52,173 --> 00:15:54,007
Is that the deal?
That's the deal, right?
406
00:15:54,042 --> 00:15:55,676
That's the implied contract.
407
00:15:55,710 --> 00:15:57,244
Well, that wouldn't be the worst way
408
00:15:57,278 --> 00:15:59,880
to end an evening, would it?
409
00:15:59,914 --> 00:16:01,682
Well, um, I guess not.
410
00:16:01,716 --> 00:16:04,317
But, uh, what about the morning after,
411
00:16:04,352 --> 00:16:06,753
when we, uh, wake up
with savage morning breath
412
00:16:06,788 --> 00:16:10,323
and really bad gas from all
this beautiful stinky cheese?
413
00:16:10,358 --> 00:16:13,560
Will your morning wood last
through our explosive diarrhea?
414
00:16:13,594 --> 00:16:18,265
Will your love see us through
our hormonal fluctuations,
415
00:16:18,299 --> 00:16:21,001
perimenopause,
and total ovarian shutdown?
416
00:16:21,035 --> 00:16:23,437
Because we're women, guys.
[Snapping fingers]
417
00:16:23,471 --> 00:16:25,105
And we fucking age.
418
00:16:25,139 --> 00:16:28,141
We don't remain eager
little fuck toys forever.
419
00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:30,143
So how about it?
420
00:16:30,178 --> 00:16:31,778
You still want to buy us a drink?
421
00:16:31,813 --> 00:16:33,480
What do you mean no?
422
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,182
Was it something I said?
What happened?
423
00:16:35,216 --> 00:16:38,285
You don't--
can I have your number?
424
00:16:38,319 --> 00:16:39,953
What, you going back to your mommies?
425
00:16:39,987 --> 00:16:41,521
You fucking infants.
426
00:16:41,556 --> 00:16:44,791
- That was incredible, Marcy.
- Ay.
427
00:16:44,826 --> 00:16:47,494
You just took ownership
of your she-ness.
428
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:48,528
Sweating.
429
00:16:48,563 --> 00:16:49,896
- That was just--oh!
- Thank you.
430
00:16:49,931 --> 00:16:51,732
- That's not even a word.
- Thank you.
431
00:16:51,766 --> 00:16:54,367
It is a word. It was the title
of my first book.
432
00:16:54,402 --> 00:16:57,504
[Sighs] All right,
who is up for dessert?
433
00:16:57,538 --> 00:17:00,507
[Rock guitar music]
434
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:03,477
♪
435
00:17:03,511 --> 00:17:05,946
Rachel has a big crush on Charlie.
436
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:09,583
- Why?
- He's cute.
437
00:17:09,617 --> 00:17:12,085
You know, he is cute.
438
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:13,720
I give the guy a lot of shit,
439
00:17:13,755 --> 00:17:15,422
but he's pretty fucking adorable,
440
00:17:15,456 --> 00:17:18,925
you know, in a walking
life-size penis kind of a way,
441
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,761
- like a pez dispenser.
- [Chuckles]
442
00:17:20,795 --> 00:17:22,529
It's too bad he's a 'mo.
443
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,364
Oh, he's no 'mo.
444
00:17:24,398 --> 00:17:25,799
- He's not?
- Mm-mm.
445
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:26,867
No, he's just pretending.
446
00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:28,401
He wanted to sign the Mac attack.
447
00:17:28,436 --> 00:17:32,305
The man does what he has to do.
He's a fucking closer--my boy.
448
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:33,974
You should go up to him
and tell him you dig his steeze.
449
00:17:34,008 --> 00:17:35,108
Yeah, he'll be so chuffed,
450
00:17:35,143 --> 00:17:36,543
he'll probably come in his pants.
451
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,944
You should stand back a few feet.
452
00:17:37,979 --> 00:17:39,412
Seriously, keep your hands up.
453
00:17:39,447 --> 00:17:41,948
- Charlie, I want to thank you.
- You are welcome.
454
00:17:41,983 --> 00:17:43,283
I was coming out of rehab,
455
00:17:43,317 --> 00:17:45,252
and you took me into your loving arms.
456
00:17:45,286 --> 00:17:48,088
- I've never felt so protected.
- That's what I do, Robbie.
457
00:17:48,122 --> 00:17:49,923
I'm so glad I let you service me.
458
00:17:49,957 --> 00:17:53,393
I'm happy to be servicing you.
459
00:17:53,427 --> 00:17:55,495
I think we should make love.
460
00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:57,597
Yee--what?
461
00:17:57,632 --> 00:17:59,065
We should fuck...
462
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,568
once at the very least.
463
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:04,504
- Why?
- Because there's tension here.
464
00:18:04,539 --> 00:18:06,406
You're obviously attracted to me,
465
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,909
and while I'm not
physically attracted to you,
466
00:18:08,943 --> 00:18:10,844
I do feel enormously grateful,
467
00:18:10,878 --> 00:18:14,247
which can be even hotter sometimes.
468
00:18:14,282 --> 00:18:16,249
I think you should blow me for a while,
469
00:18:16,284 --> 00:18:18,251
and then I could finish up
in that cute, little doughy butt
470
00:18:18,286 --> 00:18:19,419
of yours.
471
00:18:19,453 --> 00:18:20,420
What do you say?
472
00:18:20,454 --> 00:18:22,155
No...
473
00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:23,924
Think about it.
474
00:18:23,958 --> 00:18:26,860
I'll be back.
475
00:18:26,894 --> 00:18:29,796
[Laughing]
476
00:18:29,831 --> 00:18:31,264
Charlie...
477
00:18:31,299 --> 00:18:33,133
I know your secret, Charlie.
478
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:34,501
You do?
479
00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:37,871
- I know you're just pretending.
- I am?
480
00:18:37,905 --> 00:18:40,106
- I am.
- Yeah.
481
00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:41,708
I just wanted you to know
482
00:18:41,742 --> 00:18:44,811
that I have always had a crush on you.
483
00:18:44,846 --> 00:18:46,580
I temped on your desk years back,
484
00:18:46,614 --> 00:18:48,215
and I thought about telling you,
485
00:18:48,249 --> 00:18:51,017
but then you got fired
for the masturbation video,
486
00:18:51,052 --> 00:18:53,687
and I missed my chance.
487
00:18:53,721 --> 00:18:57,724
If you have a moment,
I'd love to suck your dick.
488
00:18:57,758 --> 00:18:59,793
[Groaning]
489
00:18:59,827 --> 00:19:01,561
Why did you even do the movie?
490
00:19:01,596 --> 00:19:03,230
It was such an epic piece of shit.
491
00:19:03,264 --> 00:19:04,731
[Chuckles]
492
00:19:04,765 --> 00:19:07,167
Crazy Little Thing made close
to $300 million worldwide.
493
00:19:07,201 --> 00:19:09,836
It cost 50.
It made my fucking career.
494
00:19:09,871 --> 00:19:11,137
And it tainted mine.
495
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:12,906
Oh, please, you tainted your own career.
496
00:19:12,940 --> 00:19:15,242
You're incredibly
difficult to work with.
497
00:19:15,276 --> 00:19:16,710
Yeah, right.
'Cause I wouldn't put out?
498
00:19:16,744 --> 00:19:18,211
[Chuckles] Yeah,
I don't even remember this
499
00:19:18,246 --> 00:19:19,966
little incident
you keep prattling on about.
500
00:19:19,981 --> 00:19:21,381
Oh, bullshit.
501
00:19:21,415 --> 00:19:23,750
We were sitting in your office,
on your couch, just like this.
502
00:19:23,784 --> 00:19:26,853
And you leaned over,
and you smooched me...
503
00:19:30,091 --> 00:19:31,424
just like that.
504
00:19:31,459 --> 00:19:35,095
And I do believe that you
even put your hand on my leg...
505
00:19:35,129 --> 00:19:37,697
- Something like this.
- Mm.
506
00:19:37,732 --> 00:19:40,200
- Ring a bell?
- If you say so.
507
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:42,903
I don't know if it's all
the gay sex talking or not,
508
00:19:42,937 --> 00:19:44,671
but you're looking pretty
fucking good to me right now.
509
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,506
Wow.
Aren't you a charmer?
510
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:49,542
I still think you're mean,
petty, and vindictive.
511
00:19:49,577 --> 00:19:52,445
But I'm thinking maybe
we should hate-fuck--
512
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,882
- you know, get the poison out.
- If you say so.
513
00:19:55,917 --> 00:19:59,019
So you admit it, you're still into me.
514
00:19:59,053 --> 00:20:02,122
I'm sorry.
I changed my mind.
515
00:20:02,156 --> 00:20:03,723
[Sighs]
516
00:20:03,758 --> 00:20:06,626
Uh-uh, fuck you.
517
00:20:06,661 --> 00:20:09,629
[Moaning]
518
00:20:09,664 --> 00:20:11,364
[Moans loudly]
519
00:20:11,399 --> 00:20:14,334
Ooh!
520
00:20:14,368 --> 00:20:15,869
- Aah!
- [Screams]
521
00:20:15,903 --> 00:20:19,039
I am so fucking straight right now!
522
00:20:19,073 --> 00:20:20,974
- [Laughs]
- Okay.
523
00:20:21,008 --> 00:20:22,475
Oh!
524
00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:25,045
- Mammary glands!
- [Laughs]
525
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:26,646
Okay, okay, Charlie,
just wait--wait a second.
526
00:20:26,681 --> 00:20:27,914
[Growling]
527
00:20:27,949 --> 00:20:29,950
Charlie, I need to go pee
and put my diaphragm in.
528
00:20:29,984 --> 00:20:31,484
- Awesome!
- Okay.
529
00:20:31,519 --> 00:20:33,186
- You do that!
- Yeah.
530
00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:34,821
You do that.
God!
531
00:20:34,855 --> 00:20:37,257
I love hearing
about all that girly stuff!
532
00:20:41,028 --> 00:20:43,129
[Knock at door]
Yes?
533
00:20:43,164 --> 00:20:45,165
[Knock at door]
534
00:20:45,199 --> 00:20:48,535
Yes!
535
00:20:48,569 --> 00:20:52,005
Charlie, are you ready for me?
536
00:20:52,039 --> 00:20:54,641
Oh, yes, you are.
537
00:20:54,675 --> 00:20:57,777
You got all naked for Robbie.
538
00:20:57,812 --> 00:20:59,946
Here...
539
00:20:59,981 --> 00:21:01,281
Take a look.
540
00:21:01,315 --> 00:21:05,285
- That's British steel.
- Wow.
541
00:21:05,319 --> 00:21:08,121
That is an impressive rig
you got there, Robbie.
542
00:21:08,155 --> 00:21:09,289
Solid.
543
00:21:09,323 --> 00:21:12,959
Solid cock and balls, that...
544
00:21:12,994 --> 00:21:15,195
that's some real
movie-star shit right there.
545
00:21:15,229 --> 00:21:17,130
Thanks, Charlie.
546
00:21:17,164 --> 00:21:20,800
You want to wrap your lips
around this piece or what?
547
00:21:20,835 --> 00:21:22,635
Uh...
548
00:21:22,670 --> 00:21:25,205
well, it's really kind
of you to offer--
549
00:21:25,239 --> 00:21:26,973
- Charlie, what are you doing?
- Ew!
550
00:21:27,008 --> 00:21:29,209
Put some fucking clothes on,
girl--that shit is foul.
551
00:21:29,243 --> 00:21:31,111
- Charlie, what the fuck is this?
- She came on to me.
552
00:21:31,145 --> 00:21:32,679
She wouldn't take no for an answer.
553
00:21:32,713 --> 00:21:33,880
She tried to rape me!
554
00:21:33,914 --> 00:21:35,315
I wouldn't touch her with your dick.
555
00:21:35,349 --> 00:21:37,417
Really, really, she's disgusting.
556
00:21:37,451 --> 00:21:39,152
You are a fucking asshole!
557
00:21:39,186 --> 00:21:41,855
You know what, Robbie?
He is just pretending to be gay!
558
00:21:41,889 --> 00:21:43,923
I don't believe that for a second.
559
00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:46,659
- Charlie?
- No! Fuck, no.
560
00:21:46,694 --> 00:21:49,529
Moment of truth, Charlie.
561
00:21:49,563 --> 00:21:52,999
Open up and say ahh.
562
00:21:55,536 --> 00:21:56,736
[Groans]
563
00:21:56,771 --> 00:21:58,605
I can't!
564
00:21:58,639 --> 00:22:01,608
I got Hep-C?
565
00:22:01,642 --> 00:22:04,978
Guess what, buddy.
Me too.
566
00:22:05,012 --> 00:22:06,246
[Laughs]
567
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,281
Come on, let's do this.
Suck that shit.
568
00:22:08,315 --> 00:22:11,451
Okay, but, really, my bigger concern is,
569
00:22:11,485 --> 00:22:13,219
what is this gonna do
570
00:22:13,254 --> 00:22:15,255
to our professional relationship?
571
00:22:15,289 --> 00:22:18,858
Oh, I think it's gonna make
things a lot fucking hotter.
572
00:22:18,893 --> 00:22:20,427
Okay.
573
00:22:20,461 --> 00:22:22,228
Would you take a hand job?
574
00:22:22,263 --> 00:22:25,865
I think that there is a party
in your mouth tonight,
575
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:27,801
Charlie Runkle,
576
00:22:27,835 --> 00:22:30,303
and I'm coming.
577
00:22:30,337 --> 00:22:32,672
Okay. Okay.
578
00:22:32,706 --> 00:22:34,474
[Panting]
579
00:22:34,508 --> 00:22:35,909
[Whimpering]
580
00:22:35,943 --> 00:22:37,744
Okay!
581
00:22:37,778 --> 00:22:39,612
I can't! I can't!
582
00:22:39,647 --> 00:22:41,648
I'm sorry.
I just--I can't.
583
00:22:41,682 --> 00:22:43,950
I'm--I'm straight
as an arrow.
584
00:22:43,984 --> 00:22:45,485
I'm not perfectly straight.
585
00:22:45,519 --> 00:22:47,620
If I was in prison right now,
I'd probably be a total slut.
586
00:22:47,655 --> 00:22:49,422
But in the real world,
587
00:22:49,457 --> 00:22:51,891
I definitely prefer the fairer sex.
588
00:22:51,926 --> 00:22:54,260
I'm so sorry.
589
00:22:54,295 --> 00:22:55,762
I'm so sorry.
[Zipper closes]
590
00:22:55,796 --> 00:22:58,631
I just--I'm such a big fan,
and I just--
591
00:22:58,666 --> 00:23:00,100
I got caught up in a lie.
592
00:23:00,134 --> 00:23:02,702
You are a liar and a coward,
Charlie Runkle.
593
00:23:02,736 --> 00:23:04,938
Yes.
Yes, I am.
594
00:23:04,972 --> 00:23:07,474
You know what else you are?
595
00:23:09,443 --> 00:23:12,946
Fired.
596
00:23:12,980 --> 00:23:14,948
See?
597
00:23:14,982 --> 00:23:18,585
I feel the toxins about
to release from my body.
598
00:23:18,619 --> 00:23:19,953
Isn't this much better?
599
00:23:19,987 --> 00:23:24,290
All the resentment is about
to just explode out of me.
600
00:23:24,325 --> 00:23:27,794
We should have done this years ago.
601
00:23:27,828 --> 00:23:29,129
[Moans]
602
00:23:29,163 --> 00:23:31,698
Your career would probably be
in a lot better shape.
603
00:23:31,732 --> 00:23:33,099
Maybe.
You never know.
604
00:23:33,134 --> 00:23:36,269
I've been quite
the self-saboteur.
605
00:23:36,303 --> 00:23:38,938
- Hank?
- Yes, Charles?
606
00:23:38,973 --> 00:23:42,609
Hank, I've been found out.
The jig is up, Hank.
607
00:23:42,643 --> 00:23:43,977
I've been "inned."
608
00:23:44,011 --> 00:23:45,778
Can you give me a few minutes?
609
00:23:45,813 --> 00:23:48,281
[Chuckles] Just a few?
610
00:23:48,315 --> 00:23:51,918
Oh, listen, lady,
I'm enjoying your whole...this.
611
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:55,555
But I'm not exactly sure
how I feel about you in general.
612
00:23:55,589 --> 00:23:59,225
You know, you did fire me
and then had me rewritten,
613
00:23:59,260 --> 00:24:00,894
which led to a nasty chain of events,
614
00:24:00,928 --> 00:24:04,564
which, in turn, led to
a devastating downward spiral.
615
00:24:04,598 --> 00:24:07,734
So don't let the hardness
of Hank Jr. fool you.
616
00:24:07,768 --> 00:24:09,836
Uh, that shit did not sit well with me.
617
00:24:09,870 --> 00:24:13,072
Would you guys be interested
in a third, by any chance?
618
00:24:13,107 --> 00:24:15,909
I'm fucking horny as hell right now.
619
00:24:15,943 --> 00:24:18,912
[Groans]
620
00:24:20,114 --> 00:24:24,851
Once a bottom-feeder,
always a bottom-feeder.
621
00:24:28,122 --> 00:24:30,490
- Fuck you, Hank.
- Hmm.
622
00:24:30,524 --> 00:24:32,125
[Door slams]
623
00:24:32,159 --> 00:24:33,860
Should we assume the deal is off?
624
00:24:33,894 --> 00:24:36,329
Of course the deal is off, Hank!
625
00:24:36,363 --> 00:24:39,999
And if the deal is off,
I'm fired as fuck right now!
626
00:24:44,638 --> 00:24:47,607
And the thing they never
tell you is how hard it is--
627
00:24:47,641 --> 00:24:50,944
growing up, finding your place
in the world,
628
00:24:50,978 --> 00:24:53,313
accepting your fate.
629
00:24:53,347 --> 00:24:55,682
But if you're lucky,
you have someone in your life
630
00:24:55,716 --> 00:24:57,684
who gets you...
631
00:24:57,718 --> 00:24:59,719
who accepts you for who you are...
632
00:24:59,753 --> 00:25:03,656
who ever so gently nudges you
towards your destiny.
633
00:25:03,691 --> 00:25:06,526
So, yeah, I guess you could say
634
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,294
I was born to be a writer...
635
00:25:08,329 --> 00:25:09,696
Which is weird,
636
00:25:09,730 --> 00:25:13,299
because I definitely wanted
something else for myself...
637
00:25:13,334 --> 00:25:15,134
Something big...
638
00:25:15,169 --> 00:25:16,669
larger than life.
639
00:25:16,704 --> 00:25:20,039
But it's a waste of time,
wanting things,
640
00:25:20,074 --> 00:25:23,176
because sooner or later,
the thing that wants you
641
00:25:23,210 --> 00:25:26,713
is just gonna come up
and tap you on the shoulder.
642
00:25:26,747 --> 00:25:29,382
And you might want to be ready.
643
00:25:29,416 --> 00:25:32,619
[Applause]
644
00:25:40,628 --> 00:25:44,197
Good evening, ladies.
645
00:25:44,231 --> 00:25:46,132
- Fuck you, Hank.
- What did I do?
646
00:25:46,166 --> 00:25:47,700
- You have a penis.
- Uh-huh.
647
00:25:47,735 --> 00:25:49,435
And she's embracing
her she-ness.
648
00:25:49,470 --> 00:25:50,770
You can't come in.
649
00:25:50,804 --> 00:25:53,573
I like your poetry, woman,
but I don't understand.
650
00:25:53,607 --> 00:25:55,341
You don't need to.
It's okay.
651
00:25:55,376 --> 00:25:56,743
- So what's up?
- What's up?
652
00:25:56,777 --> 00:25:58,411
I'll tell you what's up.
653
00:25:58,445 --> 00:26:00,179
Our daughter's pretty fucking
talented--that's what's up.
654
00:26:00,214 --> 00:26:01,581
- I know.
- Mm-hmm.
655
00:26:01,615 --> 00:26:03,750
You came all this way to tell
me something I already know?
656
00:26:03,784 --> 00:26:06,686
No, I came all this way
to tell you how sorry I am
657
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:11,357
for my shameful self-indulgence
over the past few months.
658
00:26:11,392 --> 00:26:12,692
It's okay.
659
00:26:12,726 --> 00:26:14,360
You don't owe me anything, Hank.
660
00:26:14,395 --> 00:26:16,195
I'm just glad
that you're feeling better.
661
00:26:16,230 --> 00:26:18,531
I-I fe-- I-I do. I-I feel better.
662
00:26:18,565 --> 00:26:19,899
Mm-hmm.
663
00:26:19,933 --> 00:26:22,735
And now that I'm relatively
clean and soberish,
664
00:26:22,770 --> 00:26:25,938
I'm painfully aware
of how we left things.
665
00:26:25,973 --> 00:26:28,341
It's just--I mean, I...
666
00:26:28,375 --> 00:26:30,410
- It's all so--
- Unresolved?
667
00:26:30,444 --> 00:26:32,211
Yes, exactly.
668
00:26:32,246 --> 00:26:34,213
Yes.
669
00:26:34,248 --> 00:26:37,050
It may have to stay
that way for a while.
670
00:26:37,084 --> 00:26:38,217
I figured as much.
671
00:26:38,252 --> 00:26:40,553
But, uh, we should reconvene again
672
00:26:40,587 --> 00:26:41,688
and talk about this--
673
00:26:41,722 --> 00:26:43,890
the state of our union and whatnot...
674
00:26:43,924 --> 00:26:45,558
sometime soon.
675
00:26:45,592 --> 00:26:46,626
Hmm?
676
00:26:46,660 --> 00:26:48,728
- Let's play it by ear.
- Okay, we will.
677
00:26:48,762 --> 00:26:50,396
We'll play it by ear.
678
00:26:50,431 --> 00:26:51,531
But in the meantime,
679
00:26:51,565 --> 00:26:53,900
because of our pure-of-heart
little munchkin
680
00:26:53,934 --> 00:26:55,635
- beautiful daughter...
- Mm-hmm.
681
00:26:55,669 --> 00:26:57,136
I'm going off to write something.
682
00:26:57,171 --> 00:26:58,838
- You're gonna write something?
- I don't know what it is.
683
00:26:58,872 --> 00:27:00,306
Really?
684
00:27:00,341 --> 00:27:01,841
I'm gonna make
my intentions known, Karen.
685
00:27:01,875 --> 00:27:03,509
- Put it down on paper.
- Interesting.
686
00:27:03,544 --> 00:27:06,012
- Prepare to be John Woo'd.
- I will.
687
00:27:06,046 --> 00:27:08,348
I'm excited for you.
Good.
688
00:27:08,382 --> 00:27:13,019
And I'm okay with all this.
I'm relatively sanguine.
689
00:27:13,053 --> 00:27:17,690
In fact...
I am the sanguinator.
690
00:27:17,725 --> 00:27:19,692
Good--good night.
691
00:27:21,095 --> 00:27:22,862
[Laughs]
692
00:27:22,896 --> 00:27:23,863
- Um...
- So...
693
00:27:23,897 --> 00:27:25,365
Good. Okay.
694
00:27:25,399 --> 00:27:29,369
- Till we meet again.
- Mm-hmm.
695
00:27:29,403 --> 00:27:32,038
- Good night, Karen.
- Good night, Hank.
696
00:27:32,072 --> 00:27:34,774
♪ Don't let the sadness grow
697
00:27:34,808 --> 00:27:37,310
♪
698
00:27:37,344 --> 00:27:42,515
♪ you're beautiful,
don't you know? ♪
699
00:27:43,751 --> 00:27:49,055
♪ and it's easy to dive into doubt ♪
700
00:27:50,257 --> 00:27:54,603
♪ but harder to climb back out ♪
701
00:27:54,723 --> 00:28:05,416
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com