1
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:05,889
(panting, gunfire, yelps)
2
00:00:09,644 --> 00:00:11,478
(exclaiming)
3
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,835
(school bell ringing)
4
00:00:20,538 --> 00:00:21,572
(Barney belches)
5
00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:23,574
(whistle blows)
6
00:00:23,608 --> 00:00:25,609
(yells)
7
00:00:29,798 --> 00:00:31,048
(beeping)
8
00:00:36,271 --> 00:00:38,372
(playing the blues)
9
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:43,110
(playing the blues)
10
00:00:46,164 --> 00:00:47,781
D'oh!
11
00:00:47,816 --> 00:00:48,882
(tires screeching)
12
00:00:48,917 --> 00:00:50,050
(grunts)
13
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,954
♪ The Szyslaks.
14
00:00:53,989 --> 00:00:56,023
Already cancelled.
15
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:57,057
(sighs)
16
00:00:57,058 --> 00:01:00,558
♪ The Simpsons 24x12 ♪
Love Is a Many Splintered Thing
Original Air Date on February 10, 2013
17
00:01:00,559 --> 00:01:04,059
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
18
00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:06,734
Everything I know about women
19
00:01:06,768 --> 00:01:08,669
can be summed up
by a jump-rope rhyme:
20
00:01:08,703 --> 00:01:10,738
"Girls go to Mars
to buy candy bars,
21
00:01:10,772 --> 00:01:13,190
boys go to Jupiter
to get more stupider."
22
00:01:13,224 --> 00:01:15,592
Except I didn't have to go
to Jupiter to get stupider.
23
00:01:15,627 --> 00:01:16,727
(clears throat)
24
00:01:16,761 --> 00:01:19,229
I had a bigger ball of gas
I could study.
25
00:01:19,264 --> 00:01:22,082
FEMALE GPS: In three-tenths
of a mile, make a right turn.
26
00:01:22,117 --> 00:01:24,234
Homer,
listen to the GPS.
27
00:01:24,269 --> 00:01:25,703
GPS: Turn right
Homer, watch the road!
28
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,287
onto First Street, head east.
Not this road, the other road!
29
00:01:27,322 --> 00:01:28,689
Ladies, please!
30
00:01:28,723 --> 00:01:30,858
You can boss me around,
just one at a time!
31
00:01:30,892 --> 00:01:32,976
On Main Street, turn right now...
Our Sunday drive is ruined!
32
00:01:33,011 --> 00:01:34,762
Hands at
ten and two!
33
00:01:34,796 --> 00:01:36,897
MARGE: What are you doing?
It said turn left, not right.
34
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:38,131
(screaming)
35
00:01:38,149 --> 00:01:39,466
BART:
Huh?
36
00:01:39,484 --> 00:01:40,834
HOMER:
Huh?
37
00:01:40,869 --> 00:01:42,169
Hmm.
What the...?
38
00:01:43,872 --> 00:01:45,706
GPS:
Switching to male voice...
39
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:47,491
MALE GPS:
...so you will obey.
40
00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,426
Finally!
A supervisor!
41
00:01:49,461 --> 00:01:50,627
Oh...
42
00:01:50,662 --> 00:01:52,162
So the closest thing I had
43
00:01:52,197 --> 00:01:53,497
to an adult male role model
44
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:55,165
were the schoolyard bullies.
45
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,166
Hey, Simpson!
46
00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,102
I dare you to stick
this caterpillar
47
00:01:58,136 --> 00:01:59,653
down that
girl's dress.
48
00:01:59,671 --> 00:02:02,005
Can't I just stick it
in Skinner's sloppy joe?
49
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,608
It would actually be
the only meat in said Joe.
50
00:02:04,642 --> 00:02:05,876
Not everything
can be solved
51
00:02:05,910 --> 00:02:07,377
with Skinner
pranks, Bart.
52
00:02:07,412 --> 00:02:10,180
Yeah, think outside
the Skinner box.
53
00:02:10,215 --> 00:02:11,832
(laughing)
54
00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:12,983
Hey, look,
55
00:02:13,017 --> 00:02:14,118
that movie we were in
56
00:02:14,152 --> 00:02:15,619
got short-listed for an Oscar.
57
00:02:15,653 --> 00:02:16,637
KEARNEY:
Awesome!
58
00:02:16,671 --> 00:02:17,921
(gasps, bullies laugh)
59
00:02:17,956 --> 00:02:19,923
Who's that stickin' a
fuzzy-wuzzy down my back?
60
00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:21,809
Mary Spuckler!
61
00:02:21,843 --> 00:02:23,877
♪ Lady
62
00:02:23,912 --> 00:02:28,315
♪ I'm your knight
in shining armor ♪
63
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,851
♪ And I love you.
64
00:02:30,869 --> 00:02:32,970
I thought you left
home to be a star.
65
00:02:33,004 --> 00:02:34,805
There's a lot of
13-year-olds out there
66
00:02:34,839 --> 00:02:36,039
with a voice
and a dream.
67
00:02:36,074 --> 00:02:37,858
I only got work as a hand model.
68
00:02:37,892 --> 00:02:39,226
Whoa.
69
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,761
That's your hand?
70
00:02:40,795 --> 00:02:42,763
Just the thumb.
Did you miss me?
71
00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:46,400
(moaning)
72
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,069
Get out of my face,
cootie breath!
73
00:02:49,104 --> 00:02:50,771
I did miss you.
74
00:02:50,805 --> 00:02:51,872
You stink!
75
00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,073
Come over
Saturday.
76
00:02:53,108 --> 00:02:54,842
I'm gonna have to push you
in the mud now.
77
00:02:54,876 --> 00:02:56,710
Don't you pig-waller me,
mister!
78
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,228
Do what you must,
darlin'.
79
00:02:58,263 --> 00:02:59,229
(grunts)
80
00:02:59,264 --> 00:03:01,031
(laughing)
81
00:03:01,065 --> 00:03:04,535
That sure makes up for my dad
beating me last night.
82
00:03:04,569 --> 00:03:06,436
And for my
dyslexia.
83
00:03:06,471 --> 00:03:08,238
(bullies laughing)
84
00:03:08,273 --> 00:03:09,406
(doorbell rings)
85
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,874
(yawns)
86
00:03:10,909 --> 00:03:12,576
Mary?
87
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,710
(shrieks)
88
00:03:13,745 --> 00:03:15,212
Thank God I wore the underwear
89
00:03:15,246 --> 00:03:16,547
with the hole on the side.
90
00:03:16,581 --> 00:03:18,215
(humming)
91
00:03:18,249 --> 00:03:19,583
It's 8:00
in the morning.
92
00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:20,851
I'm a farm girl.
93
00:03:20,885 --> 00:03:22,219
I already
milked the cows,
94
00:03:22,253 --> 00:03:24,454
overcame a bout of
prairie madness,
95
00:03:24,489 --> 00:03:26,456
and made you some
sausage and biscuits.
96
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:31,378
Rain is so romantic,
don't you think?
97
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,462
You get the picture.
98
00:03:32,497 --> 00:03:34,031
Perfect girl.
99
00:03:34,065 --> 00:03:35,232
(imitating Woody Allen):
So like a schmuck,
100
00:03:35,266 --> 00:03:36,617
I treat her like day-old matzo.
101
00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:39,236
(coughs)
102
00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:41,271
(ominous music plays
on video game, gunfire)
103
00:03:42,941 --> 00:03:44,808
(screams)
104
00:03:44,843 --> 00:03:46,143
(screams)
105
00:03:46,177 --> 00:03:47,477
BART:
Doctors Without Borders,
106
00:03:47,512 --> 00:03:48,812
you're now doctors
without faces!
107
00:03:48,847 --> 00:03:49,980
(monkeys hooting)
108
00:03:50,014 --> 00:03:51,315
(laughs)
109
00:03:51,349 --> 00:03:53,817
Bart, when are we
gonna do girl things,
110
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:56,103
like catch a frog
or leg wrestle?
111
00:03:56,137 --> 00:03:57,471
Soon, baby, soon.
112
00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,423
Let me just kill
Milhouse's character.
113
00:03:59,457 --> 00:04:01,325
He thinks we're
on the same team.
114
00:04:01,359 --> 00:04:02,826
MILHOUSE:
Betrayed again!
115
00:04:02,861 --> 00:04:04,895
Mary, could I steal
Bart for a minute?
116
00:04:04,929 --> 00:04:06,763
Ask his girlfriend,
the game.
117
00:04:06,798 --> 00:04:08,532
Oh, Mary, you know you're
the coolest person
118
00:04:08,566 --> 00:04:09,867
I've ever hung out with.
119
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:11,268
MILHOUSE:
Another betrayal!
120
00:04:11,302 --> 00:04:12,452
Bart Simpson,
121
00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:14,388
I don't know what the
future holds for you...
122
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,790
If you're lucky, me, then this.
123
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,525
...but, Bart, I do know this:
124
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,028
you will not do better
than Mary Spuckler,
125
00:04:21,062 --> 00:04:23,864
so don't ignore her
for a stupid video game!
126
00:04:23,898 --> 00:04:25,465
Hey, relax.
127
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,460
She knows she's the apple
of the corner of my eye.
128
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,870
Bart, do you mind
if I call my mother?
129
00:04:29,904 --> 00:04:30,804
Not at all.
130
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:31,805
Mama!
131
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:33,240
Come pick me up, I'm bored!
132
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:34,875
BRANDINE (distantly):
You'll have to wait!
133
00:04:34,909 --> 00:04:36,810
The mule's
takin' a nap!
134
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:38,712
We hope it's a nap.
135
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,815
(video game gunfire)
136
00:04:43,361 --> 00:04:45,129
(clanging)
Dinnertime!
137
00:04:45,163 --> 00:04:46,797
♪
138
00:04:58,758 --> 00:04:59,991
Now, let's enjoy
the granola bars
139
00:05:00,026 --> 00:05:01,660
that city fella
gave us
140
00:05:01,694 --> 00:05:03,512
in exchange
for lettin' him go.
141
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:05,714
That'll teach him
to try to preserve
142
00:05:05,748 --> 00:05:08,116
our folk singing for posterity.
143
00:05:08,151 --> 00:05:10,152
(scatting)
144
00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,539
Just wait till
my dad hears this
145
00:05:14,574 --> 00:05:16,424
at 3:00 a.m. on NPR.
146
00:05:16,459 --> 00:05:18,710
It'll prove I'm not
wasting my life.
147
00:05:18,744 --> 00:05:20,829
You realize you just
ruined the recording.
148
00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:22,864
(scatting continues)
149
00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:28,370
A lot of musical
talent in this house.
150
00:05:28,404 --> 00:05:29,371
But no one blows
151
00:05:29,405 --> 00:05:31,289
on a blade of
grass like you.
152
00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:35,060
(playing "Flight of the
Bumblebee")
153
00:05:37,029 --> 00:05:39,030
Eight more payments
and I own this.
154
00:05:39,065 --> 00:05:41,099
But are you sure
there ain't no video game
155
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,267
you'd rather be playin'?
156
00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:43,935
All eyes on you, baby.
157
00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,604
Well, tell your
eye-ears
158
00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,706
to watch-listen
to this!
159
00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:50,609
♪ I used to think
I wanted to roam ♪
160
00:05:50,643 --> 00:05:53,762
♪ But there ain't
not never no place ♪
161
00:05:53,796 --> 00:05:55,797
♪ None better than home
162
00:05:55,831 --> 00:05:58,116
Count the negatives,
it all works out.
163
00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:01,853
♪ They say that home
is where the heart is ♪
164
00:06:01,888 --> 00:06:04,122
♪ But for me
it's where the Bart is... ♪
165
00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:05,724
Now what are
you doing?
166
00:06:05,758 --> 00:06:07,509
(piglets squealing)
167
00:06:07,543 --> 00:06:09,594
I wrote a whole song
for you, Bart Simpson.
168
00:06:09,629 --> 00:06:11,630
Least you could do
is pay me full mind.
169
00:06:11,681 --> 00:06:13,765
I was gonna enter it
in a competition.
170
00:06:13,799 --> 00:06:15,433
!Ay, caramba!
171
00:06:15,468 --> 00:06:16,768
Well, you're
gonna win,
172
00:06:16,802 --> 00:06:18,303
'cause you've got
star quality.
173
00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,338
Like the Hulk in movies
other than The Hulk.
174
00:06:20,373 --> 00:06:21,539
You know what?
175
00:06:21,574 --> 00:06:23,892
Every now and then you
say the perfect thing.
176
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,310
(knocking on door)
177
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:28,346
Mary, it's our turn to
use the boyfriend room.
178
00:06:28,381 --> 00:06:30,148
Y'all don't have boyfriends.
179
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,850
We's gonna
practice kissing
180
00:06:31,884 --> 00:06:34,119
with this French-Canadian
mountain man.
181
00:06:34,153 --> 00:06:36,321
Pourquoi m'avez-vous amené ici?
182
00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,023
He's still wearing leg shackles.
183
00:06:38,057 --> 00:06:41,442
All men is
unpolished stones.
184
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:44,729
Ou est le whisky que vous
m'avez promis?
185
00:06:46,048 --> 00:06:47,816
And then I ran
right home to you.
186
00:06:47,850 --> 00:06:49,684
You did everything
great, Bart.
187
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:51,152
Then you told me
all about it
188
00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:52,882
like a true
gentleman.
189
00:06:52,916 --> 00:06:55,351
I can't wait to use
your moves on Lisa.
190
00:06:55,385 --> 00:06:56,502
Ew!
191
00:06:56,536 --> 00:06:58,404
On every level, ew!
192
00:06:58,438 --> 00:07:00,840
Bart, you have to treat girls
like they matter,
193
00:07:00,874 --> 00:07:03,376
not like they're
a bunch of Milhice.
194
00:07:03,410 --> 00:07:04,610
What?
It's the plural of Milhouse.
195
00:07:04,645 --> 00:07:05,778
Look it up.
196
00:07:05,812 --> 00:07:07,780
Listen to your sister, boy.
197
00:07:07,814 --> 00:07:10,616
What I'm saying applies
to you, too, Dad.
198
00:07:10,651 --> 00:07:11,817
What are you talkin' about?
199
00:07:11,852 --> 00:07:13,185
Marge and I are goin' great.
200
00:07:14,121 --> 00:07:15,721
Homer Simpson!
201
00:07:15,756 --> 00:07:17,456
Did you take
Maggie to Moe's?
202
00:07:17,491 --> 00:07:18,691
It was during
Happy Hour.
203
00:07:18,725 --> 00:07:20,426
Don't you want our baby
to be happy?
204
00:07:20,460 --> 00:07:21,761
Don't you see?
205
00:07:21,795 --> 00:07:23,562
You're taking women for granted.
206
00:07:23,597 --> 00:07:26,465
And aside from being lumped
together and generalized about,
207
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:29,435
it's the one thing
all women hate.
208
00:07:29,469 --> 00:07:30,703
(scoffs)
How can something
209
00:07:30,737 --> 00:07:32,838
that applies to Bart
apply to me?
210
00:07:32,873 --> 00:07:35,074
I'm so much older and wiser.
211
00:07:35,108 --> 00:07:37,276
More like balder and wider.
212
00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:38,461
Why you little...
213
00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:39,612
(choking)
I'll teach you
214
00:07:39,646 --> 00:07:42,198
to say something
that sounds similar!
215
00:07:46,236 --> 00:07:48,237
♪
216
00:07:49,606 --> 00:07:52,091
(applauding) Thank you,
last contestant.
217
00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:55,511
Tomorrow we will feature the
no-longer racist country comedy
218
00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:57,947
of Barry the Satellite TV Guy.
219
00:07:57,981 --> 00:08:01,317
Isn't it funny how all people
are of equal worth?
220
00:08:01,351 --> 00:08:04,153
Please do not boycott
my line of power tools.
221
00:08:04,187 --> 00:08:05,321
(laughs)
222
00:08:05,355 --> 00:08:07,690
Now all Barry's jokes
are about his ex-wife.
223
00:08:07,724 --> 00:08:09,492
No, they ain't.
We're back together.
224
00:08:09,526 --> 00:08:11,160
Then you got no act.
225
00:08:11,194 --> 00:08:12,161
(chuckles)
226
00:08:12,195 --> 00:08:14,329
And now, the winner is...
227
00:08:14,347 --> 00:08:15,347
(drumroll)
228
00:08:17,634 --> 00:08:19,318
Devon Peacock!
229
00:08:19,352 --> 00:08:22,555
I can finally get
my suspender buckled!
230
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:23,923
(cheering)
231
00:08:25,675 --> 00:08:28,644
Looks like we got a feud
with the Peacocks now.
232
00:08:29,679 --> 00:08:31,347
Uh-huh.
233
00:08:31,381 --> 00:08:33,516
All I care is what
you think, Bart.
234
00:08:33,550 --> 00:08:35,518
(whispers):
Compliment her.
235
00:08:35,552 --> 00:08:37,219
I don't know what she wants.
236
00:08:37,254 --> 00:08:39,138
What would my heroes say?
237
00:08:39,172 --> 00:08:40,806
Slash her face
now, Bart.
238
00:08:40,841 --> 00:08:42,541
Slash it while she
least expects it.
239
00:08:42,576 --> 00:08:44,710
Bart, tell Mary
to play the drums...
240
00:08:44,745 --> 00:08:47,079
the only thing anyone
listens to in any band.
241
00:08:47,114 --> 00:08:49,081
It's hard to pick
just one of those.
242
00:08:49,116 --> 00:08:50,649
Bart, you'd better get
your act together.
243
00:08:50,684 --> 00:08:52,151
And me, too.
244
00:08:52,185 --> 00:08:54,153
I've gotta get these shirts
to the dry cleaners.
245
00:08:54,187 --> 00:08:56,172
They close at 6:00.
246
00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:57,773
Bart Simpson, you
get out of that
247
00:08:57,808 --> 00:08:59,809
gosh-darned fugue
state this instant.
248
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,377
Lift my spirits!
249
00:09:01,411 --> 00:09:03,212
Um... lifting people's spirits
250
00:09:03,246 --> 00:09:04,713
is an interesting topic.
251
00:09:04,748 --> 00:09:07,616
For centuries, Neanderthal
and astronaut alike
252
00:09:07,651 --> 00:09:09,435
have enjoyed lifting spirits.
253
00:09:09,469 --> 00:09:12,238
You're givin' me
book report talk.
254
00:09:12,272 --> 00:09:14,957
Excuse me, I am a
Brazilian record producer.
255
00:09:14,991 --> 00:09:16,992
I concentrate
in the rapidly-growing
256
00:09:17,027 --> 00:09:19,028
jug band-samba fusion market.
257
00:09:19,062 --> 00:09:20,129
Oh, my God!
258
00:09:20,163 --> 00:09:22,832
Do you know Billy-Bobaloo
Skeeter-Rodriguez?
259
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,066
Know him?
260
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,168
Before he was famous,
he kidnapped my mother!
261
00:09:26,203 --> 00:09:28,604
Mary, would you like
to have dinner with me
262
00:09:28,638 --> 00:09:30,689
and my handsome,
girl-crazy son tonight?
263
00:09:30,724 --> 00:09:31,991
I am the
first boy
264
00:09:32,025 --> 00:09:34,126
to get my own
liquor ad.
265
00:09:34,161 --> 00:09:36,395
(Latin guitar music plays)
266
00:09:36,429 --> 00:09:38,564
Bart, you want to
come with us?
267
00:09:38,598 --> 00:09:40,299
I need you.
268
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:42,584
Mary, we've just been through
three hours of music.
269
00:09:42,602 --> 00:09:44,420
Usually, I only have music
one hour a week,
270
00:09:44,454 --> 00:09:45,855
and the teacher
spends it reading
271
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,940
real estate listings
for Fire Island.
272
00:09:47,974 --> 00:09:49,592
I'll see you
later, Bart.
273
00:09:49,626 --> 00:09:50,860
Mary, are you okay?
274
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,011
Sure.
275
00:09:52,045 --> 00:09:53,729
Everything's fine.
276
00:09:55,198 --> 00:09:56,899
At that moment, I had a vision
277
00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:58,400
of every time in my life
278
00:09:58,435 --> 00:10:01,804
an angry woman would say
"Everything's fine."
279
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:07,526
I guess it's just me
and the dog.
280
00:10:09,362 --> 00:10:11,080
(groans)
281
00:10:11,114 --> 00:10:13,299
Everything's fine.
282
00:10:14,334 --> 00:10:15,935
Now.
283
00:10:15,969 --> 00:10:18,537
(whistling)
284
00:10:28,132 --> 00:10:29,232
Melvis?
285
00:10:29,266 --> 00:10:30,366
Where's Mary?
286
00:10:30,401 --> 00:10:32,802
I brung you regrets
from my sister.
287
00:10:32,836 --> 00:10:36,039
She has been
de-avoidably untained.
288
00:10:36,073 --> 00:10:37,940
(groans)
Am I getting dumped?
289
00:10:39,276 --> 00:10:42,578
Okay, Bart, maybe you blew it
by taking Mary for granted.
290
00:10:42,613 --> 00:10:45,114
Woman are life's
great mystery, along with
291
00:10:45,149 --> 00:10:48,117
why do they give you salt and
pepper at a Chinese restaurant?
292
00:10:48,152 --> 00:10:50,053
But if you want one more shot,
293
00:10:50,087 --> 00:10:53,122
I know a date that will turn
this mighty Aphrodite
294
00:10:53,157 --> 00:10:55,725
into your purple rose
of Cairo.
295
00:10:55,759 --> 00:10:58,328
Those are movies I made.
296
00:10:58,362 --> 00:11:00,229
It's my oeuvre.
297
00:11:00,264 --> 00:11:02,865
It sounds dirty,
but it's not.
298
00:11:06,820 --> 00:11:08,821
(speaking in French)
299
00:11:12,092 --> 00:11:13,943
(snoring)
300
00:11:13,961 --> 00:11:15,495
Everyone's fast asleep.
301
00:11:15,546 --> 00:11:17,430
It's like my second
wedding night,
302
00:11:17,464 --> 00:11:20,066
except more walkouts
and there were no refunds.
303
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,551
Gee...
304
00:11:21,585 --> 00:11:24,070
(couples moaning)
305
00:11:24,104 --> 00:11:26,272
Can I see you
tomorrow night?
306
00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:28,474
Sure, I'll be here
with my other boyfriend.
307
00:11:28,509 --> 00:11:29,976
He's watching us now.
308
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,561
BOY:
Oh, boy.
309
00:11:33,297 --> 00:11:35,481
Okay, Luann,
it's all settled.
310
00:11:35,516 --> 00:11:36,933
We're gonna ditch Milhouse.
311
00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:40,453
Bart, I think it's best
if we take a break.
312
00:11:40,487 --> 00:11:43,189
Good idea, I can chuck
eggs at the other couples.
313
00:11:43,223 --> 00:11:46,209
Just hug me, dummy.
314
00:11:52,249 --> 00:11:53,449
Back pats?
315
00:11:53,484 --> 00:11:54,867
This is a breakup.
316
00:11:58,572 --> 00:11:59,839
You'll be fine.
317
00:11:59,873 --> 00:12:01,708
There's a pot
for every possum.
318
00:12:01,742 --> 00:12:03,076
Give me another chance.
319
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:05,011
I'll be way more attentive
to your needs on the seesaw.
320
00:12:05,045 --> 00:12:07,196
I'll stay down there
for as long as you want.
321
00:12:07,231 --> 00:12:09,899
Sorry, Bart,
I'm a hillbilly girl of 13.
322
00:12:09,933 --> 00:12:11,467
If I'm not married
in the next few months,
323
00:12:11,502 --> 00:12:13,269
nobody's gonna want me.
324
00:12:13,303 --> 00:12:15,071
Not even old Joe Clabby.
325
00:12:15,105 --> 00:12:17,173
Hey, you're a pretty
little thing, you are,
326
00:12:17,207 --> 00:12:19,642
but ticktock, ticktock.
327
00:12:19,676 --> 00:12:22,011
Good-bye, Bart.
328
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:23,629
Aw, sweetie.
329
00:12:23,664 --> 00:12:26,999
I told you this would happen
if you dated outside the family.
330
00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:28,251
Mm-mm-mm.
331
00:12:28,285 --> 00:12:30,269
(groans)
332
00:12:30,304 --> 00:12:32,171
Move along,
relationship's over.
333
00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:33,206
(groans)
334
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,908
Sure do like forcing
people to leave areas.
335
00:12:35,943 --> 00:12:37,660
Yeah.
336
00:12:39,113 --> 00:12:41,247
MARGE (inside house):
I was the only without a date
337
00:12:41,281 --> 00:12:44,650
at Patty's new lady friend's
travel bookstore soft opening.
338
00:12:44,685 --> 00:12:47,086
You told me it was up to me
if I wanted to go.
339
00:12:47,121 --> 00:12:49,655
You should know that me saying
I don't care
340
00:12:49,690 --> 00:12:51,657
means I couldn't care more.
341
00:12:51,692 --> 00:12:55,261
I am sick and tired of trying
to decode you like you're some
342
00:12:55,295 --> 00:12:58,231
kind of human being
separate from myself.
343
00:12:58,265 --> 00:12:59,632
Bart, would you
go to your room
344
00:12:59,666 --> 00:13:01,701
while your father and I
finish our little talk?
345
00:13:01,735 --> 00:13:02,935
Little talk?
346
00:13:02,970 --> 00:13:04,437
You guys are having a big fight.
347
00:13:04,471 --> 00:13:06,439
This is the problem with women--
they don't say
348
00:13:06,473 --> 00:13:08,374
what they mean
until it's too late.
349
00:13:08,408 --> 00:13:10,009
All right, fine.
350
00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:13,079
If you boys want it, I'll
tell you what I really think.
351
00:13:13,113 --> 00:13:15,214
Finally, we're
getting somewhere.
352
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,334
You're both
in the doghouse,
353
00:13:18,368 --> 00:13:22,071
which is misleading
'cause I still like the dog.
354
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,372
(sighs)
355
00:13:23,407 --> 00:13:26,142
Hand me my suitcase, boy.
356
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:27,977
When do I get
a Krusty suitcase?
357
00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:29,479
When you're older.
358
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:35,886
So this is where you go
when Mom kicks you out?
359
00:13:35,921 --> 00:13:37,988
You're saying it like
it happens all the time.
360
00:13:38,023 --> 00:13:40,724
And by the way,
the paint's a little faded
361
00:13:40,759 --> 00:13:42,226
on my parking spot.
362
00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:44,829
You call this a platinum
club experience?
363
00:13:44,863 --> 00:13:46,397
We'll get right on it,
Mr. Simpson.
364
00:13:46,431 --> 00:13:49,900
I told you a thousand times,
call me Homer.
365
00:13:51,336 --> 00:13:53,153
Oh, what's this notice
on the wall?
366
00:13:53,188 --> 00:13:54,655
Standard hotel boilerplate.
367
00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:57,925
It just says somebody died in
this room in the last 72 hours.
368
00:13:57,959 --> 00:14:00,194
Aw, man, we
just missed it.
369
00:14:00,228 --> 00:14:02,062
(laughs) Oh,
it'll happen again, son.
370
00:14:02,097 --> 00:14:03,964
Um, I've got to make
a phone call.
371
00:14:03,999 --> 00:14:06,383
Eh, knock yourself out.
372
00:14:06,418 --> 00:14:07,568
D'oh!
373
00:14:07,602 --> 00:14:08,736
Not again.
374
00:14:08,770 --> 00:14:10,754
(touch tones beeping)
375
00:14:11,756 --> 00:14:13,574
Mary? Ooh, that's odd.
376
00:14:13,608 --> 00:14:15,543
I thought I was calling
the Suicide Not Line,
377
00:14:15,577 --> 00:14:17,478
because I'm doing great.
378
00:14:17,512 --> 00:14:20,981
So, um, how are you
handling taking a break?
379
00:14:21,016 --> 00:14:24,285
Great.
Turns out Adele was right.
380
00:14:24,319 --> 00:14:26,220
Ain't nothing better
for songwriting
381
00:14:26,254 --> 00:14:29,290
than when your relationship
takes a bolt to the brain.
382
00:14:29,324 --> 00:14:30,758
Tell me what you think.
383
00:14:30,792 --> 00:14:32,927
♪ I broke up with a fella
384
00:14:32,961 --> 00:14:36,797
(samba rhythm plays)
♪ But I ain't grieving
385
00:14:36,831 --> 00:14:38,415
♪ He was much too proud
386
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:42,586
♪ Of underachieving
387
00:14:42,621 --> 00:14:45,422
♪ I can't believe I liked him
388
00:14:45,457 --> 00:14:48,659
♪ I must have been blind
389
00:14:48,693 --> 00:14:51,145
♪ He wasn't so smart
or handsome ♪
390
00:14:51,179 --> 00:14:54,348
♪ Or kind
391
00:14:54,382 --> 00:14:56,483
♪ Every moment with that boy
392
00:14:56,518 --> 00:14:59,937
♪ Was totally horrid
393
00:14:59,971 --> 00:15:04,892
♪ And I can't even tell where
his hair meets his forehead ♪
394
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:07,294
Why did I buy her
that rhyming dictionary?
395
00:15:07,329 --> 00:15:09,897
♪ My eyes are wide open
396
00:15:09,931 --> 00:15:12,800
♪ Now I see his warts
397
00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:16,053
♪ I wish him well,
down in hell ♪
398
00:15:16,087 --> 00:15:20,874
♪ Where he'll eat
his own shorts. ♪
399
00:15:20,909 --> 00:15:24,578
It just poured out of me
like venom from a snake.
400
00:15:24,613 --> 00:15:26,230
(groans)
401
00:15:27,165 --> 00:15:29,400
I had this idea years ago,
402
00:15:29,434 --> 00:15:30,701
but your mother
wouldn't let me do it.
403
00:15:30,735 --> 00:15:32,736
shows how much she...
(muffled yelling)
404
00:15:32,771 --> 00:15:34,171
It's hurting my eyes!
405
00:15:38,243 --> 00:15:40,177
(gasps)
406
00:15:40,211 --> 00:15:42,713
It's so great here--
no wife to get mad at you
407
00:15:42,747 --> 00:15:45,516
for closing your laptop whenever
they walk into the room.
408
00:15:45,550 --> 00:15:47,418
Or getting your kid
hooked on pot.
409
00:15:47,452 --> 00:15:48,986
She's my kid,
too, you know.
410
00:15:50,689 --> 00:15:51,922
You know what we need?
411
00:15:51,957 --> 00:15:54,491
A classic "kicked out
of the house" party.
412
00:15:54,526 --> 00:15:55,693
Now, who's got a rocking CD?
413
00:15:55,727 --> 00:15:57,027
I've got the audio book
414
00:15:57,062 --> 00:15:59,029
of Robert Caro's
The Passage of Power.
415
00:15:59,064 --> 00:16:00,230
That's it?
416
00:16:00,265 --> 00:16:04,068
Well, then let's "power"
this party up.
417
00:16:05,270 --> 00:16:06,670
ROBERT CARO:
Air Force One,
418
00:16:06,705 --> 00:16:09,273
the president's plane,
is divided behind
419
00:16:09,307 --> 00:16:11,225
the crew's cockpit
into three compartments.
420
00:16:11,259 --> 00:16:14,478
In the first of them,
just behind the cockpit,
421
00:16:14,512 --> 00:16:16,280
women sat weeping
and Secret Service agents
422
00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:19,016
were trying
to hold back tears.
423
00:16:19,050 --> 00:16:20,617
"You've heard
of strong men crying?
424
00:16:20,652 --> 00:16:22,703
Well, we had it there that day,"
recalls a reporter.
425
00:16:22,737 --> 00:16:26,306
As the pilot lifted the big jet
off the Dallas runway,
426
00:16:26,341 --> 00:16:28,959
in a climb so steep
that to a man...
427
00:16:28,994 --> 00:16:30,411
I miss Mary.
428
00:16:30,445 --> 00:16:31,845
I miss Roxie.
429
00:16:31,863 --> 00:16:34,415
That's the club where I used
to smoke pot with my kid.
430
00:16:34,449 --> 00:16:36,817
This calls for decisive action.
431
00:16:36,851 --> 00:16:39,386
Like LBJ's use of the period
of mourning following
432
00:16:39,421 --> 00:16:41,922
the assassination to push
through the Civil Rights Act.
433
00:16:41,956 --> 00:16:44,158
But how do we figure
out what to do?
434
00:16:44,192 --> 00:16:45,859
The same way Hollywood does.
435
00:16:45,894 --> 00:16:47,995
By watching British movies.
436
00:16:48,029 --> 00:16:49,430
(people clamoring on video)
437
00:16:49,464 --> 00:16:50,431
(gavel bangs)
438
00:16:50,465 --> 00:16:51,598
The Prime Minister,
439
00:16:51,633 --> 00:16:53,400
that is to say, I would like
440
00:16:53,435 --> 00:16:55,185
to make an emergency declaration
441
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,104
of love to my poor
442
00:16:57,138 --> 00:16:58,322
but cheeky secretary.
443
00:16:58,356 --> 00:17:00,824
What, me?
Eliza Commonbottom?
444
00:17:00,859 --> 00:17:02,826
I... that is to say...
445
00:17:02,861 --> 00:17:04,161
Flibberty-gibberty.
446
00:17:04,195 --> 00:17:05,529
♪ Ah
(Parliament cheering)
447
00:17:05,563 --> 00:17:09,183
♪ All the young dudes
♪ Hey, dudes
448
00:17:09,217 --> 00:17:12,286
♪ Carry the news
♪ Oh, yeah
449
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,505
♪ Boogaloo dudes...
450
00:17:14,539 --> 00:17:18,025
Love is more powerful
than all my magic.
451
00:17:18,059 --> 00:17:20,527
Hard to believe that country
used to rule anything.
452
00:17:20,562 --> 00:17:22,846
Agreed, but to win
back our women,
453
00:17:22,881 --> 00:17:25,949
we need to make
a grand romantic gesture.
454
00:17:25,984 --> 00:17:26,984
OTHERS:
Hear, hear.
455
00:17:27,018 --> 00:17:29,536
After we finish
watching the movie.
456
00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:32,189
♪ Carry the news
457
00:17:34,526 --> 00:17:37,928
♪ All the young dudes
458
00:17:37,962 --> 00:17:39,263
♪ Carry the news
459
00:17:39,297 --> 00:17:41,782
♪ Let's hear the news,
come on. ♪
460
00:17:41,816 --> 00:17:43,500
Hmm, cursive.
461
00:17:43,535 --> 00:17:46,053
"You are invited to
462
00:17:46,087 --> 00:17:47,855
a grand gesture"?
463
00:17:47,889 --> 00:17:49,606
Ooh.
464
00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:55,646
(orchestra playing "Ode to Joy")
465
00:17:59,184 --> 00:18:02,352
♪ I wrote this song
to say I'm sorry ♪
466
00:18:02,387 --> 00:18:05,289
♪ Dad, don't be
a credit hog ♪
467
00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:08,459
♪ The melody is
by Beethoven ♪
468
00:18:08,493 --> 00:18:11,228
♪ Not bad
for a movie dog ♪
469
00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:14,364
♪ I'll stop eating
from the garbage ♪
470
00:18:14,399 --> 00:18:17,234
♪ Marge, you will get
the last pork chop ♪
471
00:18:17,268 --> 00:18:18,952
Oh...
472
00:18:18,970 --> 00:18:20,554
(all giggling, cooing)
473
00:18:22,757 --> 00:18:25,342
A completed chore list.
474
00:18:25,393 --> 00:18:27,511
And I promise
to do the things
475
00:18:27,545 --> 00:18:29,580
I checked off
within a year.
476
00:18:29,614 --> 00:18:31,849
(swooning sigh)
477
00:18:34,469 --> 00:18:37,704
♪ Spuckler Mary,
please forgive me ♪
478
00:18:37,739 --> 00:18:41,041
♪ All I ask
is one more chance. ♪
479
00:18:41,075 --> 00:18:43,310
Bart, you're a good duck,
480
00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:44,778
but we wouldn't last.
481
00:18:44,813 --> 00:18:46,547
But I'm the main guy
in this story.
482
00:18:46,581 --> 00:18:48,649
Things are supposed
to work out for me.
483
00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:51,685
Everyone is the main guy
in their own story.
484
00:18:51,719 --> 00:18:54,905
My friend, welcome
to my story.
485
00:18:56,324 --> 00:18:58,592
♪
486
00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:05,933
And that's when I learned
487
00:19:05,967 --> 00:19:09,002
Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk
with an arrow.
488
00:19:09,037 --> 00:19:12,439
But surely you didn't give up
on love after just one setback?
489
00:19:12,473 --> 00:19:14,441
Love is our only defense
against the abyss
490
00:19:14,475 --> 00:19:16,376
in this meaningless universe.
491
00:19:16,411 --> 00:19:18,078
Love-- what is it?
492
00:19:18,112 --> 00:19:20,380
What does it mean?
How do you spell it?
493
00:19:20,415 --> 00:19:21,815
No one knows.
494
00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:23,851
Fortunately there is a cure.
495
00:19:23,885 --> 00:19:26,703
Any video game ever made.
496
00:19:26,738 --> 00:19:28,196
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Remember, this game
497
00:19:28,221 --> 00:19:30,309
is for age 14 or under.
498
00:19:30,592 --> 00:19:32,860
If you are older than that,
please get help.
499
00:19:32,894 --> 00:19:34,895
Get help, get help.
500
00:19:37,782 --> 00:19:39,299
Married?
501
00:19:39,334 --> 00:19:40,968
(groans)
502
00:19:41,002 --> 00:19:43,136
(gasps)
503
00:19:53,648 --> 00:19:57,251
MALE COMPUTER VOICE:
One message received from...
504
00:19:57,285 --> 00:19:58,819
The widow Mary Spuckler.
505
00:19:58,853 --> 00:19:59,970
Whoo-hoo!
506
00:20:00,004 --> 00:20:01,104
Well done, Bart.
507
00:20:01,139 --> 00:20:02,673
You played that
like a combination
508
00:20:02,707 --> 00:20:05,542
of Willie Mays
and Paul Cézanne.
509
00:20:05,577 --> 00:20:06,877
Who are you?
510
00:20:06,911 --> 00:20:09,446
I... you know,
I-I played the ant
511
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,683
in Antz, the lesser known
of the ant movies.
512
00:20:12,717 --> 00:20:14,484
Oh, yeah.
513
00:20:14,519 --> 00:20:19,519
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
514
00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:56,576
(Brandine and Cletus scatting)