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D'oh!
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00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:10,625
♪ The Szyslaks.
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00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:12,453
Already cancelled.
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00:01:14,292 --> 00:01:17,792
♪ The Simpsons 24x12 ♪
Love Is a Many Splintered Thing
Original Air Date on February 10, 2013
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00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,380
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:23,613
Everything I know about women
7
00:01:23,631 --> 00:01:25,638
can be summed up
by a jump-rope rhyme:
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00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,772
"Girls go to Mars
to buy candy bars,
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00:01:27,858 --> 00:01:30,171
boys go to Jupiter
to get more stupider."
10
00:01:30,197 --> 00:01:32,804
Except I didn't have to go
to Jupiter to get stupider.
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00:01:33,629 --> 00:01:36,292
I had a bigger ball of gas
I could study.
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00:01:36,350 --> 00:01:38,969
In three-tenths
of a mile, make a right turn.
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00:01:39,002 --> 00:01:40,927
Homer, listen to the GPS.
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00:01:40,961 --> 00:01:42,398
- Turn right
- Homer, watch the road!
15
00:01:42,448 --> 00:01:44,205
- onto First Street, head east.
- Not this road, the other road!
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00:01:44,245 --> 00:01:45,436
Ladies, please!
17
00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:47,759
You can boss me around,
just one at a time!
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00:01:47,789 --> 00:01:49,873
- On Main Street, turn right now...
- Our Sunday drive is ruined!
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00:01:49,896 --> 00:01:51,179
Hands at ten and two!
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00:01:51,219 --> 00:01:53,688
What are you doing?
It said turn left, not right.
21
00:01:55,790 --> 00:01:56,737
Huh?
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00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:57,508
Huh?
23
00:01:57,545 --> 00:01:59,145
- Hmm.
- What the...?
24
00:02:00,945 --> 00:02:02,733
Switching to male voice...
25
00:02:02,757 --> 00:02:04,314
...so you will obey.
26
00:02:04,345 --> 00:02:06,316
Finally!
A supervisor!
27
00:02:06,378 --> 00:02:07,544
Oh...
28
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,468
So the closest thing I had
to an adult male role model
29
00:02:10,485 --> 00:02:12,119
were the schoolyard bullies.
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00:02:12,148 --> 00:02:13,032
Hey, Simpson!
31
00:02:13,057 --> 00:02:15,026
I dare you to stick
this caterpillar
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00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:16,680
down that girl's dress.
33
00:02:16,757 --> 00:02:18,888
Can't I just stick it
in Skinner's sloppy joe?
34
00:02:18,907 --> 00:02:21,475
It would actually be
the only meat in said Joe.
35
00:02:21,546 --> 00:02:24,179
Not everything can be solved
with Skinner pranks, Bart.
36
00:02:24,216 --> 00:02:26,637
Yeah, think outside
the Skinner box.
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00:02:29,258 --> 00:02:29,996
Hey, look,
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00:02:30,028 --> 00:02:32,359
that movie we were in got
short-listed for an Oscar.
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00:02:32,390 --> 00:02:33,609
Awesome!
40
00:02:34,682 --> 00:02:36,876
Who's that stickin' a
fuzzy-wuzzy down my back?
41
00:02:36,918 --> 00:02:38,769
Mary Spuckler!
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00:02:38,791 --> 00:02:40,825
♪ Lady
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00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:45,476
♪ I'm your knight
in shining armor ♪
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00:02:45,535 --> 00:02:47,566
♪ And I love you.
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00:02:48,074 --> 00:02:49,913
I thought you left
home to be a star.
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00:02:49,939 --> 00:02:51,793
There's a lot of
13-year-olds out there
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00:02:51,824 --> 00:02:52,993
with a voice and a dream.
48
00:02:53,015 --> 00:02:55,095
I only got work as a hand model.
49
00:02:55,196 --> 00:02:56,178
Whoa.
50
00:02:56,284 --> 00:02:57,695
That's your hand?
51
00:02:57,726 --> 00:02:59,926
Just the thumb.
Did you miss me?
52
00:03:04,057 --> 00:03:06,238
Get out of my face,
cootie breath!
53
00:03:06,284 --> 00:03:07,634
I did miss you.
54
00:03:07,647 --> 00:03:08,897
You stink!
55
00:03:08,915 --> 00:03:10,172
Come over Saturday.
56
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,787
I'm gonna have to push you
in the mud now.
57
00:03:11,812 --> 00:03:13,646
Don't you pig-waller me,
mister!
58
00:03:13,705 --> 00:03:15,189
Do what you must, darlin'.
59
00:03:18,238 --> 00:03:21,544
That sure makes up for my dad
beating me last night.
60
00:03:21,561 --> 00:03:23,428
And for my dyslexia.
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00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:29,813
Mary?
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00:03:30,931 --> 00:03:33,654
Thank God I wore the underwear
with the hole on the side.
63
00:03:35,104 --> 00:03:36,709
It's 8:00
in the morning.
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00:03:36,771 --> 00:03:37,884
I'm a farm girl.
65
00:03:37,908 --> 00:03:39,332
I already milked the cows,
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00:03:39,363 --> 00:03:41,176
overcame a bout of
prairie madness,
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00:03:41,219 --> 00:03:43,186
and made you some
sausage and biscuits.
68
00:03:45,134 --> 00:03:48,270
Rain is so romantic,
don't you think?
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00:03:48,310 --> 00:03:49,360
You get the picture.
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00:03:49,476 --> 00:03:50,878
Perfect girl.
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00:03:50,984 --> 00:03:52,151
So like a schmuck,
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00:03:52,183 --> 00:03:53,694
I treat her like day-old matzo.
73
00:04:03,186 --> 00:04:04,419
Doctors Without Borders,
74
00:04:04,435 --> 00:04:06,158
you're now doctors
without faces!
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00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,834
Bart, when are we
gonna do girl things,
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00:04:10,877 --> 00:04:12,995
like catch a frog
or leg wrestle?
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00:04:13,061 --> 00:04:14,512
Soon, baby, soon.
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00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:16,375
Let me just kill
Milhouse's character.
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00:04:16,399 --> 00:04:18,204
He thinks we're
on the same team.
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00:04:18,229 --> 00:04:19,696
Betrayed again!
81
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,993
Mary, could I steal
Bart for a minute?
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00:04:22,015 --> 00:04:23,653
Ask his girlfriend, the game.
83
00:04:23,671 --> 00:04:25,490
Oh, Mary, you know you're
the coolest person
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00:04:25,521 --> 00:04:26,703
I've ever hung out with.
85
00:04:26,727 --> 00:04:28,209
Another betrayal!
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00:04:28,238 --> 00:04:29,141
Bart Simpson,
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00:04:29,172 --> 00:04:31,309
I don't know what the
future holds for you...
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00:04:31,346 --> 00:04:33,714
If you're lucky, me, then this.
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00:04:33,754 --> 00:04:35,586
...but, Bart, I do know this:
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00:04:35,615 --> 00:04:38,040
you will not do better
than Mary Spuckler,
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00:04:38,059 --> 00:04:40,930
so don't ignore her
for a stupid video game!
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00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:42,189
Hey, relax.
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00:04:42,213 --> 00:04:44,536
She knows she's the apple
of the corner of my eye.
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00:04:44,590 --> 00:04:46,842
Bart, do you mind
if I call my mother?
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00:04:46,873 --> 00:04:47,773
Not at all.
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00:04:47,793 --> 00:04:50,099
Mama! Come pick me up, I'm bored!
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00:04:50,147 --> 00:04:51,835
You'll have to wait!
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00:04:51,882 --> 00:04:53,783
The mule's takin' a nap!
99
00:04:53,817 --> 00:04:55,685
We hope it's a nap.
100
00:05:03,653 --> 00:05:05,441
Dinnertime!
101
00:05:18,294 --> 00:05:20,238
Now, let's enjoy
the granola bars
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00:05:20,269 --> 00:05:23,144
that city fella gave us in
exchange for lettin' him go.
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00:05:23,194 --> 00:05:25,300
That'll teach him
to try to preserve
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00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:27,858
our folk singing for posterity.
105
00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:34,404
Just wait till
my dad hears this
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00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,216
at 3:00 a.m. on NPR.
107
00:05:36,247 --> 00:05:38,356
It'll prove I'm not
wasting my life.
108
00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:40,718
You realize you just
ruined the recording.
109
00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,106
A lot of musical
talent in this house.
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00:05:48,227 --> 00:05:51,123
But no one blows on a
blade of grass like you.
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00:05:56,764 --> 00:05:58,709
Eight more payments
and I own this.
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00:05:58,745 --> 00:06:00,608
But are you sure
there ain't no video game
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00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:01,864
you'd rather be playin'?
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00:06:01,924 --> 00:06:03,558
All eyes on you, baby.
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00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,372
Well, tell your
eye-ears
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00:06:05,436 --> 00:06:07,067
to watch-listen
to this!
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00:06:07,182 --> 00:06:10,282
♪ I used to think
I wanted to roam ♪
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00:06:10,379 --> 00:06:13,279
♪ But there ain't
not never no place ♪
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00:06:13,325 --> 00:06:15,474
♪ None better than home
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00:06:15,629 --> 00:06:18,152
Count the negatives,
it all works out.
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00:06:18,847 --> 00:06:21,464
♪ They say that home
is where the heart is ♪
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00:06:21,498 --> 00:06:23,940
♪ But for me
it's where the Bart is... ♪
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00:06:24,023 --> 00:06:25,423
Now what are you doing?
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00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:29,318
I wrote a whole song
for you, Bart Simpson.
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00:06:29,365 --> 00:06:31,366
Least you could do
is pay me full mind.
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00:06:31,417 --> 00:06:33,454
I was gonna enter it
in a competition.
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00:06:33,473 --> 00:06:35,107
! Ay, caramba!
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00:06:35,204 --> 00:06:36,424
Well, you're gonna win,
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00:06:36,443 --> 00:06:37,944
'cause you've got star quality.
130
00:06:37,985 --> 00:06:39,986
Like the Hulk in movies
other than The Hulk.
131
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:40,996
You know what?
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00:06:41,060 --> 00:06:43,378
Every now and then you
say the perfect thing.
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00:06:44,722 --> 00:06:48,083
Mary, it's our turn to
use the boyfriend room.
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00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:49,884
Y'all don't have boyfriends.
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00:06:49,918 --> 00:06:51,525
We's gonna practice kissing
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00:06:51,564 --> 00:06:53,799
with this French-Canadian
mountain man.
137
00:06:53,826 --> 00:06:55,994
Pourquoi m'avez-vous amené ici?
138
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,926
He's still wearing leg shackles.
139
00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:00,987
All men is unpolished stones.
140
00:07:01,027 --> 00:07:04,296
Ou est le whisky que vous
m'avez promis?
141
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,550
And then I ran
right home to you.
142
00:07:07,586 --> 00:07:09,324
You did everything great, Bart.
143
00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:12,550
Then you told me all about it
like a true gentleman.
144
00:07:12,576 --> 00:07:15,336
I can't wait to use
your moves on Lisa.
145
00:07:15,445 --> 00:07:16,233
Ew!
146
00:07:16,272 --> 00:07:18,140
On every level, ew!
147
00:07:18,174 --> 00:07:20,576
Bart, you have to treat girls
like they matter,
148
00:07:20,610 --> 00:07:22,766
not like they're
a bunch of Milhice.
149
00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:24,834
What?
It's the plural of Milhouse.
150
00:07:24,850 --> 00:07:25,771
Look it up.
151
00:07:25,783 --> 00:07:27,605
Listen to your sister, boy.
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00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:30,458
What I'm saying applies
to you, too, Dad.
153
00:07:30,485 --> 00:07:31,543
What are you talkin' about?
154
00:07:31,588 --> 00:07:33,113
Marge and I are goin' great.
155
00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:35,430
Homer Simpson!
156
00:07:35,454 --> 00:07:37,154
Did you take Maggie to Moe's?
157
00:07:37,227 --> 00:07:38,427
It was during Happy Hour.
158
00:07:38,442 --> 00:07:40,143
Don't you want our baby
to be happy?
159
00:07:40,196 --> 00:07:41,497
Don't you see?
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00:07:41,531 --> 00:07:43,298
You're taking women for granted.
161
00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:46,285
And aside from being lumped
together and generalized about,
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00:07:46,304 --> 00:07:49,173
it's the one thing
all women hate.
163
00:07:49,205 --> 00:07:50,491
How can something
164
00:07:50,509 --> 00:07:52,546
that applies to Bart
apply to me?
165
00:07:52,552 --> 00:07:54,753
I'm so much older and wiser.
166
00:07:54,831 --> 00:07:56,999
More like balder and wider.
167
00:07:57,046 --> 00:07:58,197
Why you little...
168
00:07:58,231 --> 00:07:59,217
I'll teach you
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00:07:59,242 --> 00:08:01,965
to say something
that sounds similar!
170
00:08:10,049 --> 00:08:11,686
Thank you, last contestant.
171
00:08:11,710 --> 00:08:15,158
Tomorrow we will feature the
no-longer racist country comedy
172
00:08:15,187 --> 00:08:17,713
of Barry the Satellite TV Guy.
173
00:08:17,717 --> 00:08:20,961
Isn't it funny how all people
are of equal worth?
174
00:08:20,993 --> 00:08:23,958
Please do not boycott
my line of power tools.
175
00:08:24,828 --> 00:08:27,428
Now all Barry's jokes
are about his ex-wife.
176
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,179
No, they ain't.
We're back together.
177
00:08:29,205 --> 00:08:30,891
Then you got no act.
178
00:08:31,754 --> 00:08:34,002
And now, the winner is...
179
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,001
Devon Peacock!
180
00:08:39,063 --> 00:08:42,771
I can finally get
my suspender buckled!
181
00:08:45,411 --> 00:08:48,667
Looks like we got a feud
with the Peacocks now.
182
00:08:49,415 --> 00:08:50,946
Uh-huh.
183
00:08:51,029 --> 00:08:53,164
All I care is what
you think, Bart.
184
00:08:53,198 --> 00:08:55,166
Compliment her.
185
00:08:55,538 --> 00:08:56,926
I don't know what she wants.
186
00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:58,634
What would my heroes say?
187
00:08:58,908 --> 00:09:00,433
Slash her face now, Bart.
188
00:09:00,458 --> 00:09:02,281
Slash it while she
least expects it.
189
00:09:02,312 --> 00:09:04,446
Bart, tell Mary
to play the drums...
190
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,575
the only thing anyone
listens to in any band.
191
00:09:06,606 --> 00:09:08,442
It's hard to pick
just one of those.
192
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:10,447
Bart, you'd better get
your act together.
193
00:09:10,476 --> 00:09:11,826
And me, too.
194
00:09:11,921 --> 00:09:13,889
I've gotta get these shirts
to the dry cleaners.
195
00:09:13,923 --> 00:09:15,518
They close at 6:00.
196
00:09:15,605 --> 00:09:17,485
Bart Simpson, you
get out of that
197
00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:19,513
gosh-darned fugue
state this instant.
198
00:09:19,579 --> 00:09:21,048
Lift my spirits!
199
00:09:21,096 --> 00:09:24,457
Um... lifting people's spirits
is an interesting topic.
200
00:09:24,484 --> 00:09:27,334
For centuries, Neanderthal
and astronaut alike
201
00:09:27,356 --> 00:09:29,140
have enjoyed lifting spirits.
202
00:09:29,342 --> 00:09:31,753
You're givin' me
book report talk.
203
00:09:31,901 --> 00:09:34,656
Excuse me, I am a
Brazilian record producer.
204
00:09:34,683 --> 00:09:36,577
I concentrate
in the rapidly-growing
205
00:09:36,608 --> 00:09:38,786
jug band-samba fusion market.
206
00:09:38,854 --> 00:09:39,867
Oh, my God!
207
00:09:39,899 --> 00:09:42,568
Do you know Billy-Bobaloo
Skeeter-Rodriguez?
208
00:09:42,602 --> 00:09:43,477
Know him?
209
00:09:43,535 --> 00:09:45,834
Before he was famous,
he kidnapped my mother!
210
00:09:45,864 --> 00:09:48,134
Mary, would you like
to have dinner with me
211
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,359
and my handsome,
girl-crazy son tonight?
212
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:53,803
I am the first boy
to get my own liquor ad.
213
00:09:56,259 --> 00:09:58,394
Bart, you want to come with us?
214
00:09:58,477 --> 00:09:59,883
I need you.
215
00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:02,285
Mary, we've just been through
three hours of music.
216
00:10:02,313 --> 00:10:04,381
Usually, I only have music
one hour a week,
217
00:10:04,398 --> 00:10:07,617
and the teacher spends it reading
real estate listings for Fire Island.
218
00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:09,328
I'll see you later, Bart.
219
00:10:09,362 --> 00:10:11,056
Mary, are you okay?
220
00:10:11,117 --> 00:10:11,825
Sure.
221
00:10:11,868 --> 00:10:13,552
Everything's fine.
222
00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:18,051
At that moment, I had a vision
of every time in my life
223
00:10:18,082 --> 00:10:21,582
an angry woman would say
"Everything's fine."
224
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,631
I guess it's just me
and the dog.
225
00:10:31,168 --> 00:10:32,938
Everything's fine.
226
00:10:33,864 --> 00:10:35,465
Now.
227
00:10:49,765 --> 00:10:50,784
Melvis?
228
00:10:50,798 --> 00:10:51,898
Where's Mary?
229
00:10:51,933 --> 00:10:54,418
I brung you regrets
from my sister.
230
00:10:54,469 --> 00:10:57,645
She has been
de-avoidably untained.
231
00:10:58,349 --> 00:10:59,780
Am I getting dumped?
232
00:11:00,872 --> 00:11:04,326
Okay, Bart, maybe you blew it
by taking Mary for granted.
233
00:11:04,390 --> 00:11:06,612
Woman are life's
great mystery, along with
234
00:11:06,643 --> 00:11:09,847
why do they give you salt and
pepper at a Chinese restaurant?
235
00:11:09,929 --> 00:11:11,637
But if you want one more shot,
236
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,962
I know a date that will turn
this mighty Aphrodite
237
00:11:14,987 --> 00:11:17,276
into your purple rose of Cairo.
238
00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:20,208
Those are movies I made.
239
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,280
It's my oeuvre.
240
00:11:22,383 --> 00:11:24,984
It sounds dirty, but it's not.
241
00:11:35,812 --> 00:11:37,274
Everyone's fast asleep.
242
00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:39,180
It's like my second
wedding night,
243
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:41,817
except more walkouts
and there were no refunds.
244
00:11:42,144 --> 00:11:43,350
Gee...
245
00:11:46,104 --> 00:11:47,895
Can I see you tomorrow night?
246
00:11:47,956 --> 00:11:50,209
Sure, I'll be here
with my other boyfriend.
247
00:11:50,247 --> 00:11:51,714
He's watching us now.
248
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:53,531
Oh, boy.
249
00:11:55,054 --> 00:11:57,082
Okay, Luann, it's all settled.
250
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,646
We're gonna ditch Milhouse.
251
00:11:58,686 --> 00:12:02,059
Bart, I think it's best
if we take a break.
252
00:12:02,082 --> 00:12:05,052
Good idea, I can chuck
eggs at the other couples.
253
00:12:05,487 --> 00:12:07,850
Just hug me, dummy.
254
00:12:13,881 --> 00:12:15,081
Back pats?
255
00:12:15,117 --> 00:12:16,615
This is a breakup.
256
00:12:20,342 --> 00:12:21,609
You'll be fine.
257
00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:23,465
There's a pot for every possum.
258
00:12:23,488 --> 00:12:24,543
Give me another chance.
259
00:12:24,555 --> 00:12:26,770
I'll be way more attentive
to your needs on the seesaw.
260
00:12:26,803 --> 00:12:28,856
I'll stay down there
for as long as you want.
261
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:31,501
Sorry, Bart,
I'm a hillbilly girl of 13.
262
00:12:31,516 --> 00:12:33,402
If I'm not married
in the next few months,
263
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:34,896
nobody's gonna want me.
264
00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:36,685
Not even old Joe Clabby.
265
00:12:36,738 --> 00:12:39,004
Hey, you're a pretty
little thing, you are,
266
00:12:39,035 --> 00:12:41,204
but ticktock, ticktock.
267
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:43,009
Good-bye, Bart.
268
00:12:43,853 --> 00:12:45,253
Aw, sweetie.
269
00:12:45,297 --> 00:12:48,733
I told you this would happen
if you dated outside the family.
270
00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:50,347
Mm-mm-mm.
271
00:12:51,924 --> 00:12:53,791
Move along,
relationship's over.
272
00:12:55,010 --> 00:12:57,868
Sure do like forcing
people to leave areas.
273
00:12:57,923 --> 00:12:59,097
Yeah.
274
00:13:00,964 --> 00:13:02,882
I was the only without a date
275
00:13:02,914 --> 00:13:06,283
at Patty's new lady friend's
travel bookstore soft opening.
276
00:13:06,299 --> 00:13:08,700
You told me it was up to me
if I wanted to go.
277
00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:11,221
You should know that me saying
I don't care
278
00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:13,342
means I couldn't care more.
279
00:13:13,374 --> 00:13:16,874
I am sick and tired of trying
to decode you like you're some
280
00:13:16,909 --> 00:13:19,845
kind of human being
separate from myself.
281
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,179
Bart, would you go to your room
282
00:13:21,197 --> 00:13:23,340
while your father and I
finish our little talk?
283
00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:24,568
Little talk?
284
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:26,070
You guys are having a big fight.
285
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:28,072
This is the problem with women--
they don't say
286
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:30,007
what they mean
until it's too late.
287
00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:31,579
All right, fine.
288
00:13:31,607 --> 00:13:34,705
If you boys want it, I'll
tell you what I really think.
289
00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:36,847
Finally, we're
getting somewhere.
290
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,971
You're both in the doghouse,
291
00:13:40,001 --> 00:13:43,581
which is misleading
'cause I still like the dog.
292
00:13:45,002 --> 00:13:47,252
Hand me my suitcase, boy.
293
00:13:47,809 --> 00:13:49,788
When do I get
a Krusty suitcase?
294
00:13:49,819 --> 00:13:51,287
When you're older.
295
00:13:57,242 --> 00:13:59,877
So this is where you go
when Mom kicks you out?
296
00:13:59,912 --> 00:14:02,092
You're saying it like
it happens all the time.
297
00:14:02,126 --> 00:14:04,914
And by the way,
the paint's a little faded
298
00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:06,320
on my parking spot.
299
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:08,914
You call this a platinum
club experience?
300
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,469
We'll get right on it,
Mr. Simpson.
301
00:14:10,491 --> 00:14:14,115
I told you a thousand times,
call me Homer.
302
00:14:15,608 --> 00:14:17,238
Oh, what's this notice
on the wall?
303
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,661
Standard hotel boilerplate.
304
00:14:18,686 --> 00:14:21,922
It just says somebody died in
this room in the last 72 hours.
305
00:14:21,950 --> 00:14:24,185
Aw, man, we just missed it.
306
00:14:24,219 --> 00:14:26,053
Oh, it'll happen again, son.
307
00:14:26,088 --> 00:14:27,955
Um, I've got to make
a phone call.
308
00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:30,036
Eh, knock yourself out.
309
00:14:30,958 --> 00:14:31,747
D'oh!
310
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:32,921
Not again.
311
00:14:35,759 --> 00:14:37,577
Mary? Ooh, that's odd.
312
00:14:37,599 --> 00:14:39,872
I thought I was calling
the Suicide Not Line,
313
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,617
because I'm doing great.
314
00:14:41,654 --> 00:14:44,972
So, um, how are you
handling taking a break?
315
00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:48,276
Great.
Turns out Adele was right.
316
00:14:48,310 --> 00:14:50,330
Ain't nothing better
for songwriting
317
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:53,384
than when your relationship
takes a bolt to the brain.
318
00:14:53,409 --> 00:14:54,843
Tell me what you think.
319
00:14:54,889 --> 00:14:57,024
♪ I broke up with a fella
320
00:14:57,051 --> 00:15:00,588
♪ But I ain't grieving
321
00:15:00,821 --> 00:15:02,705
♪ He was much too proud
322
00:15:02,742 --> 00:15:06,405
♪ Of underachieving
323
00:15:06,436 --> 00:15:09,377
♪ I can't believe I liked him
324
00:15:09,572 --> 00:15:12,299
♪ I must have been blind
325
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:14,975
♪ He wasn't so smart
or handsome ♪
326
00:15:15,006 --> 00:15:18,175
♪ Or kind
327
00:15:18,373 --> 00:15:20,742
♪ Every moment with that boy
328
00:15:20,773 --> 00:15:23,761
♪ Was totally horrid
329
00:15:23,911 --> 00:15:29,206
♪ And I can't even tell where
his hair meets his forehead ♪
330
00:15:29,235 --> 00:15:31,291
Why did I buy her
that rhyming dictionary?
331
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,069
♪ My eyes are wide open
332
00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:36,982
♪ Now I see his warts
333
00:15:37,012 --> 00:15:40,040
♪ I wish him well,
down in hell ♪
334
00:15:40,078 --> 00:15:44,865
♪ Where he'll eat
his own shorts. ♪
335
00:15:45,368 --> 00:15:48,781
It just poured out of me
like venom from a snake.
336
00:15:51,156 --> 00:15:53,256
I had this idea years ago,
337
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,909
but your mother
wouldn't let me do it.
338
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,666
Shows how much she...
339
00:15:56,718 --> 00:15:58,251
It's hurting my eyes!
340
00:16:04,376 --> 00:16:06,803
It's so great here--
no wife to get mad at you
341
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,784
for closing your laptop whenever
they walk into the room.
342
00:16:09,941 --> 00:16:11,666
Or getting your kid
hooked on pot.
343
00:16:11,693 --> 00:16:13,227
She's my kid, too, you know.
344
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:15,913
You know what we need?
345
00:16:15,948 --> 00:16:18,482
A classic "kicked out
of the house" party.
346
00:16:18,517 --> 00:16:20,156
Now, who's got a rocking CD?
347
00:16:20,199 --> 00:16:23,187
I've got the audio book of Robert Caro's
The Passage of Power.
348
00:16:23,235 --> 00:16:24,180
That's it?
349
00:16:24,262 --> 00:16:28,216
Well, then let's "power"
this party up.
350
00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:33,160
Air Force One,
the president's plane, is divided behind
351
00:16:33,191 --> 00:16:35,848
the crew's cockpit
into three compartments.
352
00:16:35,999 --> 00:16:38,635
In the first of them,
just behind the cockpit,
353
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,948
women sat weeping
and Secret Service agents
354
00:16:40,979 --> 00:16:42,967
were trying to hold back tears.
355
00:16:43,041 --> 00:16:44,608
"You've heard
of strong men crying?
356
00:16:44,643 --> 00:16:47,368
Well, we had it there that day,"
recalls a reporter.
357
00:16:47,612 --> 00:16:50,882
As the pilot lifted the big jet
off the Dallas runway,
358
00:16:50,912 --> 00:16:53,024
in a climb so steep
that to a man...
359
00:16:53,065 --> 00:16:54,693
I miss Mary.
360
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:55,961
I miss Roxie.
361
00:16:55,992 --> 00:16:58,544
That's the club where I used
to smoke pot with my kid.
362
00:16:58,565 --> 00:17:00,933
This calls for decisive action.
363
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,587
Like LBJ's use of the period
of mourning following
364
00:17:03,611 --> 00:17:06,112
the assassination to push
through the Civil Rights Act.
365
00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:08,240
But how do we figure
out what to do?
366
00:17:08,252 --> 00:17:09,919
The same way Hollywood does.
367
00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:12,073
By watching British movies.
368
00:17:14,581 --> 00:17:17,517
The Prime Minister,
that is to say, I would like
369
00:17:17,548 --> 00:17:19,411
to make an emergency declaration
370
00:17:19,449 --> 00:17:22,305
of love to my poor
but cheeky secretary.
371
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,813
What, me?
Eliza Commonbottom?
372
00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:26,817
I... that is to say...
373
00:17:26,852 --> 00:17:28,152
Flibberty-gibberty.
374
00:17:28,186 --> 00:17:29,520
♪ Ah
375
00:17:29,554 --> 00:17:32,790
♪ All the young dudes
♪ Hey, dudes
376
00:17:32,807 --> 00:17:35,876
♪ Carry the news
♪ Oh, yeah
377
00:17:35,897 --> 00:17:38,332
♪ Boogaloo dudes...
378
00:17:38,518 --> 00:17:42,210
Love is more powerful
than all my magic.
379
00:17:42,237 --> 00:17:44,705
Hard to believe that country
used to rule anything.
380
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:47,097
Agreed, but to win
back our women,
381
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:50,034
we need to make
a grand romantic gesture.
382
00:17:50,065 --> 00:17:51,034
Hear, hear.
383
00:17:51,064 --> 00:17:53,500
After we finish
watching the movie.
384
00:17:53,525 --> 00:17:56,532
♪ Carry the news
385
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:01,967
♪ All the young dudes
386
00:18:02,002 --> 00:18:03,303
♪ Carry the news
387
00:18:03,324 --> 00:18:05,544
♪ Let's hear the news,
come on. ♪
388
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,013
Hmm, cursive.
389
00:18:08,382 --> 00:18:09,989
"You are invited to
390
00:18:10,014 --> 00:18:11,943
a grand gesture"?
391
00:18:11,973 --> 00:18:13,591
Ooh.
392
00:18:23,175 --> 00:18:26,343
♪ I wrote this song
to say I'm sorry ♪
393
00:18:26,378 --> 00:18:29,280
♪ Dad, don't be a credit hog ♪
394
00:18:29,314 --> 00:18:32,371
♪ The melody is by Beethoven ♪
395
00:18:32,389 --> 00:18:35,365
♪ Not bad for a movie dog ♪
396
00:18:35,389 --> 00:18:38,359
♪ I'll stop eating
from the garbage ♪
397
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:41,477
♪ Marge, you will get
the last pork chop ♪
398
00:18:41,665 --> 00:18:42,865
Oh...
399
00:18:46,898 --> 00:18:49,370
A completed chore list.
400
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:53,746
And I promise to do the things
I checked off within a year.
401
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:01,683
♪ Spuckler Mary,
please forgive me ♪
402
00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:05,019
♪ All I ask
is one more chance. ♪
403
00:19:05,066 --> 00:19:07,301
Bart, you're a good duck,
404
00:19:07,335 --> 00:19:08,769
but we wouldn't last.
405
00:19:08,804 --> 00:19:10,671
But I'm the main guy
in this story.
406
00:19:10,747 --> 00:19:12,626
Things are supposed
to work out for me.
407
00:19:12,674 --> 00:19:15,676
Everyone is the main guy
in their own story.
408
00:19:15,703 --> 00:19:18,889
My friend, welcome to my story.
409
00:19:28,623 --> 00:19:29,924
And that's when I learned
410
00:19:29,958 --> 00:19:33,078
Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk
with an arrow.
411
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:36,396
But surely you didn't give up
on love after just one setback?
412
00:19:36,418 --> 00:19:38,620
Love is our only defense
against the abyss
413
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,376
in this meaningless universe.
414
00:19:40,439 --> 00:19:42,106
Love-- what is it?
415
00:19:42,197 --> 00:19:44,376
What does it mean?
How do you spell it?
416
00:19:44,406 --> 00:19:45,806
No one knows.
417
00:19:46,003 --> 00:19:48,004
Fortunately there is a cure.
418
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,688
Any video game ever made.
419
00:19:50,729 --> 00:19:52,187
Remember, this game
420
00:19:52,212 --> 00:19:54,530
is for age 14 or under.
421
00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:57,229
If you are older than that,
please get help.
422
00:19:57,272 --> 00:19:59,273
Get help, get help.
423
00:20:02,291 --> 00:20:03,553
Married?
424
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,241
One message received from...
425
00:20:21,276 --> 00:20:22,810
The widow Mary Spuckler.
426
00:20:22,844 --> 00:20:23,961
Whoo-hoo!
427
00:20:24,145 --> 00:20:25,245
Well done, Bart.
428
00:20:25,273 --> 00:20:27,008
You played that
like a combination
429
00:20:27,038 --> 00:20:29,516
of Willie Mays
and Paul Cézanne.
430
00:20:29,568 --> 00:20:30,814
Who are you?
431
00:20:30,839 --> 00:20:33,444
I... you know,
I-I played the ant
432
00:20:33,471 --> 00:20:36,867
in Antz, the lesser known
of the ant movies.
433
00:20:36,901 --> 00:20:38,476
Oh, yeah.
434
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:43,560
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther