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FEMALE NARRATOR (on TV): A baby
is the beginning of all things,
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00:00:03,925 --> 00:00:07,326
and the most beautiful
experience a woman can have.
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00:00:07,328 --> 00:00:09,428
It's a time of wonder,
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00:00:09,430 --> 00:00:12,548
celebrating
the miracle of nature.
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00:00:12,550 --> 00:00:14,467
What you watching, Mol?
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00:00:14,469 --> 00:00:17,036
Oh, a documentary on,
uh, natural childbirth
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When I do finally
get pregnant,
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00:00:18,806 --> 00:00:20,923
I want to know what
all my options are.
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00:00:20,925 --> 00:00:22,725
Well, I'm gonna do it
the old-fashioned way:
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00:00:22,727 --> 00:00:23,893
loaded on painkillers,
screaming,
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00:00:23,895 --> 00:00:25,878
"Get this thing out of me!"
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00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,513
Well, that's always
a fallback, but...
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I'm actually curious about
this underwater birthing.
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00:00:31,152 --> 00:00:33,719
Oh... that's why
she's squatting naked
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00:00:33,721 --> 00:00:35,254
in that swimming pool.
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00:00:35,256 --> 00:00:36,522
Correct. Yeah.
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00:00:36,524 --> 00:00:39,224
They say that the warm
water helps relax you
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00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:41,060
and, you know,
makes for a...
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00:00:41,062 --> 00:00:43,245
a less traumatic
transition for the baby.
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Sure.
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I guess, as long as
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all the other people
at the pool don't mind.
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No, you're not
doing it at the Y.
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They won't even let you swim
without a cap... (gasps)
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Oh, she's going
into labor.
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This is so beautiful.
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I think I'm getting
a little choked up.
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Right. This really
is a miracle.
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(woman gasping loudly)
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(woman screaming)
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Oh, God!
Here it comes!
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FEMALE NARRATOR: Finally,
the baby is released gently
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into the warm water.
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God!
Oh, my God!
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Oh, God!
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00:01:13,928 --> 00:01:16,729
What are you watching?
Is it Shark Week again?
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No, it's a video of
natural childbirth.
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That's horrifying!
Thanks a lot.
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I was just going to the kitchen
to get something to eat.
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What are you doing now?
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Going to the kitchen
to get something to eat.
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Forget this.
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Just pump me full of
drugs and booze.
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Done and done.
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Oh, my God, she's biting
through the umbilical cord!
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Yuck!
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It's like watching
Mike eat calamari.
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Seriously, just give me
a spine full of morphine
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and a bellyful of hooch...
I want that baby coming out
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pie-eyed and singing
"Danny Boy""
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♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
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♪ I see love.
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Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
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00:02:09,707 --> 00:02:12,158
So, you and Molly got any
big plans for Valentine's Day?
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00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:13,460
We're having
dinner at home,
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00:02:13,462 --> 00:02:16,013
and then baby sex, which
is just like regular sex
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but with half the passion
and twice the worry.
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00:02:18,333 --> 00:02:19,332
Mm.
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00:02:19,334 --> 00:02:21,018
It's still sex, though.
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00:02:21,020 --> 00:02:22,753
I didn't say bad,
just different.
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Like pineapple on pizza.
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Since I don't have a special
lady in my life this year,
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I'm just gonna lay low.
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By "laying low,"
you mean driving around
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trolling for sad, dateless women
at bus stops and bridges?
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00:02:34,366 --> 00:02:38,235
If they're ready to jump,
they might as well jump on me.
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And pardon me
for caring about ladies
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going through a rough patch.
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00:02:40,656 --> 00:02:41,855
Yeah, you're quite
the humanitarian...
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always willing to lend
a helping penis.
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Well, you can say
whatever you want,
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but I've cleaned up
my act a lot.
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00:02:47,696 --> 00:02:51,214
It's been a long time since
I've trolled for bus-pass ass.
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00:02:51,216 --> 00:02:55,886
Not since the "She-Male
Incident" of '08. (laughs)
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You spent the whole night
crying and gargling.
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Learned a lot of lessons
that night.
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(laughs)
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00:03:02,711 --> 00:03:04,177
Which I'm gonna
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00:03:04,179 --> 00:03:05,378
pass on to Samuel.
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00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:07,414
That boy is desperate
for an experienced mentor.
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00:03:07,416 --> 00:03:09,549
Carl, please quit
talking about me
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00:03:09,551 --> 00:03:12,152
like I'm your Make-A-Wish kid.
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00:03:12,154 --> 00:03:14,321
Don't let him drag you
into his sickness.
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00:03:14,323 --> 00:03:16,990
It's not right taking advantage
of sad, vulnerable women.
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00:03:16,992 --> 00:03:19,409
Don't listen to him... I got
plans to meet ladies this year
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that's so good
it surprised even me.
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00:03:21,196 --> 00:03:24,081
All right. But I am not
going to throw myself
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in front of
a hot woman's car again.
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00:03:26,401 --> 00:03:31,088
That was dangerous, stupid,
and she didn't even slow down.
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00:03:31,090 --> 00:03:32,506
Well, that says more
about society
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00:03:32,508 --> 00:03:33,957
than it does about the plan.
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00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:36,843
You take that scheme to Europe,
and we'd get all kinds of tail.
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00:03:36,845 --> 00:03:39,179
Here's an
idea, Samuel.
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00:03:39,181 --> 00:03:42,049
Find a girl you like, ask her
out on a date... on your own.
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Man, quit filling his head
with crazy ideas!
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00:03:43,852 --> 00:03:46,053
You're gonna have him going
to singles bars and nightclubs,
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which is a lot of work,
a lot of money, a lot of talk,
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00:03:49,274 --> 00:03:50,724
and not to mention
the competition.
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SAMUEL:
I do have
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00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,426
certain financial restrictions.
Mm-hmm.
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And the accent gets them
to look at me,
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but eventually they realize
my credit cards
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are made of cardboard
and came with my wallet.
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00:04:01,436 --> 00:04:03,620
That's why you and me
are going off the grid.
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00:04:03,622 --> 00:04:04,871
A place where lonely women go
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00:04:04,873 --> 00:04:06,573
to forget all about
Valentine's Day.
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00:04:06,575 --> 00:04:09,743
You talking a liquor store
or Baskin-Robbins?
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00:04:09,745 --> 00:04:12,129
Better. A place where
a single man can stroll in
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with no agenda other than,
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"Hey, can I borrow
a cup of detergent?"
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00:04:15,084 --> 00:04:18,969
Oh, no. You're gonna try
and get laid at a Laundromat?
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00:04:18,971 --> 00:04:22,756
Two quarters in a dryer gets you
30 minutes to chat up a gal.
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00:04:22,758 --> 00:04:24,624
At a club, you're buying
five-dollar appletinis,
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00:04:24,626 --> 00:04:26,510
which gets you
maybe three minutes,
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00:04:26,512 --> 00:04:29,730
and she can walk away
whenever she wants.
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That dryer full of underpants
is like a chain around her neck.
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00:04:38,623 --> 00:04:43,076
I'm sorry, you can't argue
with the math or the logic.
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You, sir,
are a perverted genius.
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00:04:47,082 --> 00:04:50,617
I've got a beautiful,
filthy mind.
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00:04:54,672 --> 00:04:56,373
Hi. My name's Mike,
and I'm an overeater.
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00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:57,374
OTHERS:
Hi, Mike.
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00:04:57,376 --> 00:04:59,042
Well, I sailed
through the holidays
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00:04:59,044 --> 00:05:00,627
without over-stuffing
my stocking.
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00:05:00,629 --> 00:05:02,763
And the great thing
about Tofurkey is
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00:05:02,765 --> 00:05:04,164
you never want seconds.
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00:05:04,166 --> 00:05:09,136
But it did help me lose what
is now a total of 40 pounds.
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00:05:09,138 --> 00:05:11,221
Did he really crack
the big 4-0?
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00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,190
Mm, actually,
38 and a half,
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00:05:13,192 --> 00:05:16,009
but I'm gonna let him
have his moment.
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00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,343
But I didn't come here to brag.
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Yes, he did.
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I'm just here
to inspire and encourage,
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because if I can do it,
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you can do it.
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All it takes is submitting
to this simple program
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and being married
to a wonderful woman
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who will actually
slap pizza out of your hand.
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Truthfully, I had to
tear it out of his teeth.
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Really?
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00:05:34,496 --> 00:05:36,713
Yeah, it's like getting
a sock away from a dog.
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MAN:
All right,
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I think we have time
for one more share.
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00:05:39,751 --> 00:05:41,668
I better get
this over with.
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Walk of shame...
I'm up four pounds.
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Stay strong.
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00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,923
We can't all
be winners.
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00:05:46,925 --> 00:05:48,541
Hi. My name
is Harry,
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00:05:48,543 --> 00:05:50,043
and I am an over-eater.
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OTHERS:
Hi, Harry.
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00:05:51,313 --> 00:05:52,846
I had a rather tumultuous week,
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00:05:52,848 --> 00:05:56,549
and I'm sad to report...
that I am up four pounds.
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00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:57,934
(quietly):
This is depressing.
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You want to get
out of here?
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It's a support group.
He sat through yours.
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00:06:02,858 --> 00:06:04,157
Yeah, but mine
was inspiring.
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00:06:04,159 --> 00:06:06,059
I gave these
people a hero.
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00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:08,995
Valentine's Day is
a particular trigger for me.
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00:06:08,997 --> 00:06:12,249
For, on that fateful day,
I gave my heart
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00:06:12,251 --> 00:06:14,584
to the love of my life,
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00:06:14,586 --> 00:06:18,404
only to have her crush it
like an empty Slim-Fast can.
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Which she could do...
on her forehead, even.
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God, I loved
that woman.
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00:06:23,111 --> 00:06:24,711
See? He's
losing the room.
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He can't follow me.
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I showed up
at our romantic dinner
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with a two-pound box
of chocolates
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and a three-quarter-carat
engagement ring.
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I'm guessing it ended with
she threw the ring at him
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00:06:35,641 --> 00:06:37,774
and he ate the two-
pound box of candy.
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00:06:37,776 --> 00:06:39,476
She threw the ring at me,
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00:06:39,478 --> 00:06:42,112
and I ate the two-pound
box of candy.
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I called it, right?
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00:06:43,282 --> 00:06:45,899
Get off your high horse...
this man is hurting.
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00:06:45,901 --> 00:06:47,433
HARRY:
That was ten years
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00:06:47,435 --> 00:06:50,103
and 113 pounds ago.
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00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:52,739
As hard as it is
for me to even think
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00:06:52,741 --> 00:06:55,375
of putting myself out there...
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00:06:55,377 --> 00:06:58,879
somewhere underneath
this protective layer...
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00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:01,381
there's still a beating heart
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00:07:01,383 --> 00:07:04,134
ready to love again.
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00:07:06,170 --> 00:07:09,472
Grab your purse.
Let's beat the traffic.
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00:07:13,794 --> 00:07:15,962
I'll bet Harry trotted
out that sob story
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00:07:15,964 --> 00:07:19,132
so everyone would forget about
the guy that lost 40 pounds.
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00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,433
Mike!
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00:07:20,435 --> 00:07:22,602
Too bad stealing spotlights
doesn't burn calories.
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00:07:22,604 --> 00:07:25,638
You know, this weight loss
is making you kind of a jerk.
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00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,308
(chuckles):
Right?
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00:07:28,310 --> 00:07:30,476
You know, my heart
really goes out to Harry.
189
00:07:30,478 --> 00:07:32,746
I get that he can be
a little annoying
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00:07:32,748 --> 00:07:34,080
and kind of a know-it-all...
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00:07:34,082 --> 00:07:36,649
And his clothes are weird
and his breath is bad.
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00:07:36,651 --> 00:07:39,953
Sometimes he forgets to wipe
those little crusty things
193
00:07:39,955 --> 00:07:42,289
out from the corner of his eyes.
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00:07:42,291 --> 00:07:44,958
His nose hairs looks like
there's a family of spiders
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00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,459
living in there.
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00:07:46,461 --> 00:07:49,095
But nevertheless,
he still deserves love.
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00:07:49,097 --> 00:07:51,381
I agree. You know,
I told him to try
198
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,300
one of those international
dating sites.
199
00:07:53,302 --> 00:07:54,834
Really? Even with
all the single women
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00:07:54,836 --> 00:07:56,436
right here in Chicago?
Well, I think
201
00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:59,105
the language barrier would
really play in his favor.
202
00:07:59,107 --> 00:08:01,441
Vietnamese girl,
maybe Cambodian...
203
00:08:01,443 --> 00:08:04,344
any of your war-
ravaged countries.
204
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,565
I think it's
a horrible idea
205
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,516
fixing your sister up
with Harry.
206
00:08:10,518 --> 00:08:12,786
Why not? They're both
available, lovely people.
207
00:08:12,788 --> 00:08:14,520
Yeah, but this
isn't a fairy tale.
208
00:08:14,522 --> 00:08:15,989
The troll doesn't get
the princess.
209
00:08:15,991 --> 00:08:18,658
He stays under the bridge
with his riddles.
210
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:21,244
Look, if she got to know
the guy I saw tonight,
211
00:08:21,246 --> 00:08:22,879
she could look past
all the other...
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00:08:22,881 --> 00:08:24,748
Atrocities?
Quirks.
213
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:25,899
Okay?
214
00:08:25,901 --> 00:08:28,051
He's a very sweet soul,
and so is Victoria.
215
00:08:28,053 --> 00:08:30,637
Victoria is a show pony;
Harry is a three-legged mule
216
00:08:30,639 --> 00:08:32,339
with an ass
covered in flies.
217
00:08:32,341 --> 00:08:34,591
Victoria has dated nothing
but jerks her entire life.
218
00:08:34,593 --> 00:08:37,010
Maybe what she needs right now
is a three-legged mule.
219
00:08:37,012 --> 00:08:38,544
Are we making
three-legged mules?
220
00:08:38,546 --> 00:08:41,381
Because I think we're out of
grapefruit juice and grenadine.
221
00:08:41,383 --> 00:08:43,650
See? There's
already kind of
222
00:08:43,652 --> 00:08:45,352
a language barrier
built in.
223
00:08:45,354 --> 00:08:48,238
Victoria, you don't want
to go out with Harry, do you?
224
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,073
Mike, that's not how we do it...
you ease into it.
225
00:08:50,075 --> 00:08:51,941
Who's Harry?
Are we done here?
226
00:08:51,943 --> 00:08:53,226
All right.
227
00:08:53,228 --> 00:08:56,963
Harry is a really nice guy
that we know from O.A.
228
00:08:56,965 --> 00:09:00,033
And he's been over
here several times.
229
00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:02,869
He bought you a karaoke
machine at Christmas.
230
00:09:02,871 --> 00:09:05,455
Oh, the chunky guy
with the sweater vest
231
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,240
and matronly upper arms?
232
00:09:07,242 --> 00:09:09,376
Oh, you noticed his arms.
233
00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:12,078
Well, turns out,
he is currently unattached.
234
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,079
MIKE:
Yeah.
235
00:09:13,081 --> 00:09:15,248
Catch him between
disappointments.
236
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:17,583
I got this.
237
00:09:17,585 --> 00:09:20,103
I know he's not the kind of guy
you usually go out with,
238
00:09:20,105 --> 00:09:21,855
but, you know,
I thought it's Valentine's Day
239
00:09:21,857 --> 00:09:23,139
and you're not doing anything.
240
00:09:23,141 --> 00:09:24,941
I am not gonna take
his virginity,
241
00:09:24,943 --> 00:09:26,693
'cause I don't do that anymore.
242
00:09:26,695 --> 00:09:28,561
It's like feeding squirrels
at the park...
243
00:09:28,563 --> 00:09:30,930
once word gets out,
you're surrounded.
244
00:09:32,266 --> 00:09:34,617
I don't blame her...
that guy's been storing his nuts
245
00:09:34,619 --> 00:09:36,152
for 35 winters.
246
00:09:36,154 --> 00:09:38,104
Shush!
247
00:09:38,106 --> 00:09:41,574
I just thought you might enjoy
dinner out with a nice guy.
248
00:09:41,576 --> 00:09:44,911
He is always
very sweet to me.
249
00:09:44,913 --> 00:09:46,946
I know he's a little
rough around the edges,
250
00:09:46,948 --> 00:09:48,465
but just look what
I did with Mike.
251
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:49,549
What did you do?
252
00:09:49,551 --> 00:09:50,783
He has come a long way.
253
00:09:50,785 --> 00:09:52,969
Remember when he used to eat
ravioli out of the can?
254
00:09:52,971 --> 00:09:55,955
I remember when he used
to eat ravioli on the can.
255
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,984
Hey.
256
00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:14,654
Look, if this is some sort of
elaborate prank to see me cry,
257
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,990
you could have just played
"Wind Beneath My Wing""
258
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:20,026
and saved us all
a lot of time.
259
00:10:20,028 --> 00:10:21,477
Look, this is on the up-and-up.
260
00:10:21,479 --> 00:10:23,112
Victoria said yes,
and quite frankly,
261
00:10:23,114 --> 00:10:24,781
I'm as surprised as you are.
262
00:10:24,783 --> 00:10:25,999
CARL: You know,
"surprise"
263
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,316
doesn't even begin to address
264
00:10:27,318 --> 00:10:28,701
what's going on here.
265
00:10:29,787 --> 00:10:31,320
No, this is Matrix type stuff.
266
00:10:31,322 --> 00:10:34,791
This is an upside-down
parallel universe.
267
00:10:34,793 --> 00:10:36,259
Speaking of The Matrix,
268
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,344
should I get one of those
long, black leather dusters?
269
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,213
It's very slimming.
No.
270
00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:42,498
Leather's not flattering
on guys like you and me.
271
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,133
No, he's right. If you're
shaped like a football,
272
00:10:44,135 --> 00:10:45,535
you shouldn't dress like one.
273
00:10:45,537 --> 00:10:47,503
Gentlemen.
(laughs)
274
00:10:47,505 --> 00:10:49,338
Welcome back
to Andre's Big and Tall.
275
00:10:49,340 --> 00:10:50,556
Are you here to take advantage
276
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:52,007
of our Saint Valentine's Day
blowout?
277
00:10:52,009 --> 00:10:53,342
And what's that,
Cousin Andre?
278
00:10:53,344 --> 00:10:55,812
For every suit purchased,
you get two boxes of candy.
279
00:10:55,814 --> 00:10:56,979
One for the lady
280
00:10:56,981 --> 00:10:59,816
and one for the car ride
to pick up the lady.
281
00:11:00,651 --> 00:11:01,784
That is so smart.
282
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,353
That way, you don't
eat any of hers!
283
00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:06,122
Man knows his
clientele.
284
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:08,041
He's a marketing genius.
285
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,375
Actually, Andre,
we're here to give
286
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,360
our lucky lotto winner
a complete makeover.
287
00:11:11,362 --> 00:11:12,361
Nothing too fancy, though.
288
00:11:12,363 --> 00:11:14,213
Just enough to get her
to open the door
289
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,915
after she peeks
through the window.
290
00:11:15,917 --> 00:11:16,999
Just so you know,
291
00:11:17,001 --> 00:11:18,701
I'm not afraid to
take a fashion risk.
292
00:11:18,703 --> 00:11:20,002
I had you pegged as a daredevil
293
00:11:20,004 --> 00:11:21,704
the minute you walked
in the door.
294
00:11:21,706 --> 00:11:22,872
Now, I'm thinking
295
00:11:22,874 --> 00:11:25,808
cocktail casual with just
a splash of color.
296
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,544
I've been told I look
very good in turtlenecks.
297
00:11:28,546 --> 00:11:30,730
I'm afraid your mama
lied to you.
298
00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:35,902
Why don't I grab a couple
of sporty options for you.
299
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:37,987
Meanwhile, dip a marshmallow
or a piece of sponge cake
300
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,106
into our complimentary
chocolate fountain.
301
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:43,609
Ah, ah, ah.
Stay strong.
302
00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:44,944
You got a date with Victoria,
303
00:11:44,946 --> 00:11:47,497
and your goal should be never
having to shop here again.
304
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,398
You are my rock.
305
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,167
This is turning into
an amazing day.
306
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:55,121
And to think, last week, I was
gonna jump in front of a bus.
307
00:11:55,123 --> 00:11:57,507
Don't build this up
too much in your head, okay?
308
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,542
It's just dinner out
with a nice woman.
309
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:00,676
"Nice woman"?
310
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,478
No, she's a stone-cold fox.
311
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:06,466
Just be yourself with Victoria,
and everything will be fine.
312
00:12:06,468 --> 00:12:08,518
Be myself? I'm a
socially awkward fat man
313
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,937
who has a tendency
to talk too much!
314
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:13,439
So you are aware
of the talking thing?
315
00:12:14,725 --> 00:12:16,142
Yeah, you shouldn't
talk at all.
316
00:12:16,144 --> 00:12:17,693
Women like the strong,
silent type,
317
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,695
like Harrison Ford
or Clint Eastwood.
318
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:20,780
There you go.
319
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,732
Just pick a movie star
and try to emulate them.
320
00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:25,935
I certainly love
Olympia Dukakis.
321
00:12:27,654 --> 00:12:29,288
All right, let's see
if we can't turn
322
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,907
our portly duckling
into a sexy swan.
323
00:12:30,909 --> 00:12:32,825
I chose a breathable fabric
'cause you look like
324
00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:35,445
the kind of a fella
that moistens under pressure.
325
00:12:35,447 --> 00:12:37,163
Are you kidding?
326
00:12:37,165 --> 00:12:40,115
I pitted out as soon as I saw
the chocolate fountain.
327
00:12:42,786 --> 00:12:45,004
JOYCE:
Don't wait up.
328
00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:46,422
Vin and I are going to dinner
329
00:12:46,424 --> 00:12:49,258
and then seeing
Dirty Cirque du Soleil.
330
00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:51,978
It's basically the same
as regular Cirque du Soleil,
331
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:54,630
but you see everybody's junk.
332
00:12:55,482 --> 00:12:56,766
Sounds romantic.
333
00:12:56,768 --> 00:12:58,968
I hope at least the clowns
are covered up.
334
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:01,988
Oh, yeah, you can stick
a red nose on anything.
335
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,975
And you and Mike are just
staying in tonight?
336
00:13:05,977 --> 00:13:08,411
Yeah, if we can get
the rest of you on your way.
337
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,613
That's her sweet way of
saying, "Get the hell out""
338
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:13,783
To me, she always just says,
"Get the hell out."
339
00:13:13,785 --> 00:13:16,169
Aw, Vince, get the hell out.
340
00:13:17,788 --> 00:13:20,322
I'm ready.
341
00:13:20,324 --> 00:13:21,958
Is Larry here?
342
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,092
First of all, it's Harry.
343
00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:24,093
And second of all,
344
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,378
you can't let
him see you
345
00:13:25,380 --> 00:13:26,596
dressed like that.
346
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,714
What's wrong with my outfit?
Nothing,
347
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,833
but these are supposed to look
like they're on the inside
348
00:13:30,835 --> 00:13:35,771
trying to get out, not on the
outside trying to get in.
349
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,307
but they kind of have
a mind of their own.
350
00:13:38,309 --> 00:13:39,859
Well, if you can't
reason with them,
351
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,227
then strap them down.
352
00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:42,562
Are you talking about a bra?
353
00:13:42,564 --> 00:13:44,179
At least. Go.
354
00:13:45,315 --> 00:13:47,033
Am I doing a good deed
355
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:50,152
or taping a hamster
to a skyrocket?
356
00:13:57,878 --> 00:14:00,246
Ah, good, we
beat the crowd.
357
00:14:01,197 --> 00:14:03,216
Man, this place
gonna be hopping
358
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,584
in a couple of hours.
359
00:14:04,586 --> 00:14:06,201
A couple of hours?
360
00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:08,838
Well, I should've brought
my comforter and bed linens.
361
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,972
No, man.
362
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,507
You don't want to bring
your bedroom here,
363
00:14:11,509 --> 00:14:13,009
you want to bring them
to your bedroom.
364
00:14:13,011 --> 00:14:15,377
Socks, blue jeans,
underpants.
365
00:14:15,379 --> 00:14:16,646
And everything
prewashed,
366
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:19,098
so there's no
nasty surprises.
367
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,883
A piece of information
you might've
368
00:14:20,885 --> 00:14:23,653
shared with me
before we got here.
369
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,888
I'm carrying
a basket full of funk.
370
00:14:25,890 --> 00:14:27,657
No worries.
371
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,058
Your untidy-whities
are gonna get washed,
372
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:31,110
like, three or four times
before the evening's out.
373
00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:33,562
I might have to borrow
some quarters from you.
374
00:14:33,564 --> 00:14:35,230
(chuckles)
I don't have any quarters.
375
00:14:35,232 --> 00:14:37,917
See, I just got a crisp
$100 bill, so I can walk up
376
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:40,253
to a lady and say, "Excuse
me, can you break a hundred?
377
00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:43,238
'Cause I don't have
anything smaller""
378
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,791
If you didn't have
anything smaller,
379
00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:49,762
why wouldn't you own
your own washer and dryer?
380
00:14:51,581 --> 00:14:53,415
Hey, you gonna ask
a lot of questions,
381
00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:55,268
or you want to listen
and learn something?
382
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:56,852
I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous.
383
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,604
Now, just remember, they
call it "getting lucky""
384
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,806
but luck is the
residue of design.
385
00:15:00,808 --> 00:15:03,859
That's why I brought
a bottle of Woolite,
386
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,762
so I can offer a little cap
full for their delicates.
387
00:15:06,764 --> 00:15:08,481
Thus bringing up the topic
388
00:15:08,483 --> 00:15:10,449
of their panties
and undergarments
389
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,435
without mentioning
their unmentionables.
390
00:15:13,437 --> 00:15:15,655
This is not my first
time at the Laundromat.
391
00:15:15,657 --> 00:15:17,606
Hey-ey-ey, don't load
the dryer next to mine.
392
00:15:17,608 --> 00:15:18,741
Why not?
393
00:15:18,743 --> 00:15:21,661
Questioning me again.
394
00:15:21,663 --> 00:15:23,329
We've got to spread out.
395
00:15:23,331 --> 00:15:25,631
Otherwise, they're gonna
think we're a gay couple.
396
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,217
Got it.
397
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,219
But if we were a gay couple,
398
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:33,172
we would not be spending
Valentine's Day in a Laundromat.
399
00:15:33,174 --> 00:15:34,840
What?
400
00:15:34,842 --> 00:15:35,891
I'm just saying,
401
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,094
I'd insist you take me
someplace nice.
402
00:15:41,932 --> 00:15:43,666
Hmm.
403
00:15:47,854 --> 00:15:49,304
(sighs)
404
00:15:49,306 --> 00:15:51,490
You know what?
I don't think he's coming.
405
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,942
Oh, it's probably just traffic,
406
00:15:52,944 --> 00:15:55,578
it being, you know,
Valentine's Day and all.
407
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:56,530
Yeah. Could be anything.
408
00:15:56,531 --> 00:15:58,831
Maybe he stepped
in front of a bus.
409
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:02,168
Or maybe the line at
the florist is long.
410
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:03,819
I'm-I'm sure he's not
411
00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:05,320
standing you up,
right, Mike?
412
00:16:05,322 --> 00:16:06,139
No way.
413
00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:07,757
Well, I'm not just gonna
414
00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:09,175
sit around here
wasting my time.
415
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,344
I'll be upstairs
smoking a bowl.
416
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,796
Don't get too
comfortable.
417
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,931
Any minute,
that-that sweet fella
418
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:18,217
is gonna be at our front door.
(chuckles)
419
00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:20,386
(whispers):
Where is that idiot?
420
00:16:20,388 --> 00:16:21,687
I didn't want to set Harry up
421
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:23,055
with your sister
in the first place.
422
00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:24,190
Don't split hairs.
Just call him.
423
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,941
I'm not getting
in the middle of this.
424
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,276
Hey, it's Valentine's Day.
425
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,061
Do you want to get lucky
tonight or not?
426
00:16:29,063 --> 00:16:31,380
You're ovulating now;
you got no choice.
427
00:16:31,382 --> 00:16:34,033
Damn it. Just call him!
428
00:16:35,235 --> 00:16:38,070
Fine.
429
00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:41,123
(cell phone ringing in distance)
430
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,581
(ringing continues)
431
00:16:52,719 --> 00:16:54,203
Don't be mad at me.
432
00:16:54,205 --> 00:16:56,672
And if you hit me,
don't hit me in the face,
433
00:16:56,674 --> 00:17:00,309
'cause I'm getting
a new Costco card on Monday.
434
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:01,761
What are you doing
out here, Harry?
435
00:17:01,763 --> 00:17:04,013
Victoria's been waiting
for you all night.
436
00:17:04,015 --> 00:17:05,398
I can't do this, Mike.
437
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,184
I'm standing on a crescent moon
reaching for a star,
438
00:17:08,186 --> 00:17:10,352
and it's too far to fall.
439
00:17:10,354 --> 00:17:12,221
'Kay, save the
poetry for the lady.
440
00:17:12,223 --> 00:17:13,989
And why are you
getting so nervous?
441
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,157
It's just dinner.
442
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,109
Dinner with an angel.
443
00:17:17,111 --> 00:17:18,244
And I'm just a troll
444
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:21,197
with an inordinate amount
of ear hair.
445
00:17:21,199 --> 00:17:23,416
Don't talk about my friend
Harry that way.
446
00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:24,917
You're a great guy.
447
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:27,036
You're kind
and you're sensitive...
448
00:17:27,038 --> 00:17:29,705
and one other thing.
449
00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:34,427
What if I blow it and ruin
my last chance at love?
450
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,513
Well, pal, I
can't guarantee
451
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,082
that you and Victoria
are gonna be a couple.
452
00:17:40,084 --> 00:17:42,084
But I do know you're
both good people
453
00:17:42,086 --> 00:17:43,803
who deserve
to be happy.
454
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,722
It's so easy for you.
455
00:17:46,724 --> 00:17:47,890
What are you
talking about?
456
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,442
You didn't know me
before I met Molly.
457
00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:50,476
I was a mess.
458
00:17:50,478 --> 00:17:51,593
Impossible.
459
00:17:51,595 --> 00:17:52,695
It's true.
460
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:53,946
I'd hide out
in my apartment
461
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:57,366
with my two best friends,
Ho Ho and Ding Dong.
462
00:17:57,368 --> 00:18:01,103
Are they really spending
tonight at the Laundromat?
463
00:18:01,105 --> 00:18:03,122
Yes, they are.
464
00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,107
But you're not.
465
00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:08,711
You're here, you're
looking good,
466
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,996
and you got a sweet
woman waiting for you.
467
00:18:10,998 --> 00:18:13,165
You really think
I can do this?
468
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,950
Hey, before I went
out with Molly,
469
00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:16,919
I had the same
doubts as you.
470
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:18,971
It's scary to put
yourself out there.
471
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,057
But I did, and
look at us now.
472
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:25,294
Completely and
totally in love.
473
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,431
Where the hell
have you been?!
474
00:18:29,433 --> 00:18:31,534
Harry's here.
475
00:18:31,536 --> 00:18:33,435
Oh, hi!
476
00:18:33,437 --> 00:18:35,070
Come on in.
Victoria!
477
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,638
He's here!
(chuckles)
478
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:37,973
Aw, don't you
look great.
479
00:18:37,975 --> 00:18:39,641
Oh, she's gonna
love the flowers.
480
00:18:39,643 --> 00:18:41,476
Actually, these are for you.
481
00:18:41,478 --> 00:18:42,811
Thank you
482
00:18:42,813 --> 00:18:46,699
for making a dream
come true.
483
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:48,000
There it is.
484
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,484
There's that sweet side.
485
00:18:49,486 --> 00:18:52,004
Just... just show her that,
486
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:54,039
and she won't even
notice that hair.
487
00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:55,291
(blowing)
488
00:18:58,628 --> 00:19:01,163
Hey, Harry.
489
00:19:01,165 --> 00:19:04,383
You look very handsome.
490
00:19:04,385 --> 00:19:06,435
(quietly): Just breathe
and don't lock your knees.
491
00:19:06,437 --> 00:19:09,355
(quietly): Olympia Dukakis,
Olympia Dukakis,
492
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,140
Olympia Dukakis.
493
00:19:28,193 --> 00:19:30,161
Probably this location.
494
00:19:30,163 --> 00:19:32,580
(sighs)
495
00:19:32,582 --> 00:19:34,549
I bet the Laundromat
near the bus station
496
00:19:34,551 --> 00:19:36,200
is crawling with
lonely, dejected tail
497
00:19:36,202 --> 00:19:37,985
looking to get
out of town.
498
00:19:37,987 --> 00:19:40,037
Plus, if they can't
afford to fly,
499
00:19:40,039 --> 00:19:42,507
they ain't gonna
be too picky.
500
00:19:42,509 --> 00:19:44,458
Carl, can we please
just go home
501
00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:46,660
while we have
a little bit of dignity
502
00:19:46,662 --> 00:19:49,380
and some of our clothes
still fit us?
503
00:19:49,382 --> 00:19:51,215
Hey, don't be
a quitter.
504
00:19:51,217 --> 00:19:54,268
This is the time of night
when Valentine's dates go bad.
505
00:19:54,270 --> 00:19:56,503
Soon, the streets are gonna
be filled with crying women,
506
00:19:56,505 --> 00:19:59,307
walking home carrying
their high heels.
507
00:19:59,309 --> 00:20:01,275
So, you're suggesting
we drive around
508
00:20:01,277 --> 00:20:03,311
offering sobbing women
a ride home?
509
00:20:03,313 --> 00:20:06,697
Well, not from inside
the car. That's creepy.
510
00:20:06,699 --> 00:20:08,849
No, y-you park
around the corner,
511
00:20:08,851 --> 00:20:10,484
get out and just
happen to be walking
512
00:20:10,486 --> 00:20:12,537
in the opposite direction
when they pass by.
513
00:20:12,539 --> 00:20:15,573
"Excuse me, miss.
Is everything okay?
514
00:20:15,575 --> 00:20:19,193
"Aw.
515
00:20:19,195 --> 00:20:22,630
"There, there.
516
00:20:22,632 --> 00:20:25,416
"Everything's just
gonna be fine.
517
00:20:25,418 --> 00:20:27,868
Carl's here""
518
00:20:27,870 --> 00:20:31,055
I've said it once,
I'll say it again,
519
00:20:31,057 --> 00:20:34,021
you, sir,
are a perverted genius.
520
00:20:34,022 --> 00:20:36,195
(dryer buzzes)
521
00:20:36,196 --> 00:20:38,288
Ooh! My thong
underwear's dry.
522
00:20:38,687 --> 00:20:42,292
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/