1 00:00:00,863 --> 00:00:02,501 If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons 2 00:00:02,525 --> 00:00:04,643 in one word, it would be: 3 00:00:04,925 --> 00:00:06,183 Dynamite. 4 00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:09,355 "Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly, 5 00:00:09,378 --> 00:00:11,878 natural, amazing, merry, inviting, 6 00:00:11,899 --> 00:00:14,968 tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly. 7 00:00:15,006 --> 00:00:16,556 Thank you, Councilwoman Knope-- 8 00:00:16,595 --> 00:00:17,934 very, very thorough 9 00:00:18,037 --> 00:00:20,056 - and so many acronyms. - I know. [Laughs] 10 00:00:20,157 --> 00:00:22,195 - Councilman Jamm? - Thank you, Bill. 11 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,839 No, please, everyone be seated. 12 00:00:24,878 --> 00:00:27,886 Let the record show there was a standing ovation. 13 00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:29,595 - No, there wasn't. - There was not. 14 00:00:29,616 --> 00:00:30,780 History will decide. 15 00:00:30,835 --> 00:00:33,240 My plan for lot 48 is simple. 16 00:00:33,275 --> 00:00:34,607 But why read it 17 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,006 when you can shove it right in your face? 18 00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:38,794 I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger. 19 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:39,554 Here's why. 20 00:00:39,566 --> 00:00:41,329 We make money. They make money. 21 00:00:41,401 --> 00:00:43,426 They make burgers. We eat burgers. 22 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:46,570 - Mmhmm. - That's a win-win-win-win. 23 00:00:46,624 --> 00:00:48,664 Presentation over. Jamm out. 24 00:00:48,708 --> 00:00:49,692 Oh, man. 25 00:00:49,723 --> 00:00:51,615 Are there curly fries? I love their curly fries. 26 00:00:51,639 --> 00:00:52,592 Ann. 27 00:00:52,809 --> 00:00:55,239 Well, the planning commission has a week to decide 28 00:00:55,267 --> 00:00:58,024 if they want a beautiful, innovative community park 29 00:00:58,189 --> 00:01:00,214 or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. 30 00:01:00,259 --> 00:01:01,558 I'm not editorializing. 31 00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:03,977 Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger 32 00:01:03,996 --> 00:01:05,796 is the greasy lard bomb. 33 00:01:05,817 --> 00:01:08,275 Just give me a hint as to which way you guys are leaning. 34 00:01:08,312 --> 00:01:10,318 Off the record? We're leaning towards Jamm. 35 00:01:10,330 --> 00:01:12,779 Why? You know my plan is better for the community. 36 00:01:12,791 --> 00:01:16,124 Oh, it's way better, but you're also short $50,000. 37 00:01:16,157 --> 00:01:18,257 We can't approve an underfunded project. 38 00:01:18,291 --> 00:01:19,690 Hey, get the rest of the money, 39 00:01:19,710 --> 00:01:21,210 you get your park. 40 00:01:21,275 --> 00:01:22,741 You only have a week. 41 00:01:23,255 --> 00:01:24,468 What are we going to do, guys? 42 00:01:24,495 --> 00:01:25,682 How are we going to get that money? 43 00:01:25,707 --> 00:01:28,207 Hey, come on. Cheer up, little pups. 44 00:01:28,406 --> 00:01:29,572 Registering for your wedding 45 00:01:29,605 --> 00:01:31,472 is the most important moment of your lives. 46 00:01:31,542 --> 00:01:33,376 Love-- love fades away. 47 00:01:33,404 --> 00:01:35,284 But things... 48 00:01:36,108 --> 00:01:38,325 - Things are forever. - That's beautiful. 49 00:01:38,338 --> 00:01:39,850 Did the Dalai Lama say that? 50 00:01:39,885 --> 00:01:42,719 Ooh! A citrus reamer! 51 00:01:42,752 --> 00:01:44,752 Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. 52 00:01:44,779 --> 00:01:46,817 - You're gonna need two of these. - I don't want a citrus reamer. 53 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:48,134 I don't want any of this stuff. 54 00:01:48,147 --> 00:01:50,647 Look, all I want is to be married to you 55 00:01:50,672 --> 00:01:53,262 and to somehow get $50,000. 56 00:01:53,648 --> 00:01:55,255 Hey, hang on. 57 00:01:55,479 --> 00:01:58,485 What if we register for the park instead of the stuff? 58 00:01:58,772 --> 00:02:00,865 We could organize a black-tie gala 59 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:01,835 with food and music 60 00:02:01,847 --> 00:02:03,865 and maybe a silent auction to raise money. 61 00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:05,249 Yeah, and people could donate, 62 00:02:05,274 --> 00:02:07,687 or they could bid to put their names on everything in the park, 63 00:02:07,706 --> 00:02:09,339 like benches, cobblestones, 64 00:02:09,368 --> 00:02:10,835 trees, ants, air. 65 00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:12,255 Right, some of that is possible. 66 00:02:12,293 --> 00:02:13,785 - You are a genius. Let's go. - Okay. 67 00:02:13,835 --> 00:02:15,000 Hey, guys. 68 00:02:15,095 --> 00:02:18,064 I'm really feeling these sheets--very cozy. 69 00:02:18,214 --> 00:02:21,215 [Triumphant music] 70 00:02:21,268 --> 00:02:25,601 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 71 00:02:38,813 --> 00:02:41,442 I just want to say thank you for all your hard work this week. 72 00:02:41,448 --> 00:02:42,497 Give yourselves a hand. 73 00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:43,819 [Applause] 74 00:02:43,862 --> 00:02:45,765 But your applause is premature. 75 00:02:45,796 --> 00:02:47,199 You just told us to applaud. 76 00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:49,580 Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? 77 00:02:49,642 --> 00:02:52,191 I hope so, because the only way that this gala is going to happen 78 00:02:52,222 --> 00:02:53,585 is if you do everything I say. 79 00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:54,809 Tom, I need you to contact 80 00:02:54,828 --> 00:02:56,512 three more food vendors on this list, 81 00:02:56,530 --> 00:02:57,779 and they need to do it for free. 82 00:02:57,808 --> 00:02:58,643 I'm omelet. 83 00:02:58,668 --> 00:03:00,110 Get it? "I'm on it," "I'm omelet"? 84 00:03:00,155 --> 00:03:01,063 I get it, and I love it, 85 00:03:01,075 --> 00:03:02,483 but I don't have time for food puns right now. 86 00:03:02,502 --> 00:03:04,076 Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie. 87 00:03:04,112 --> 00:03:05,388 [Laughs] Go. 88 00:03:05,497 --> 00:03:07,497 Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible. 89 00:03:07,543 --> 00:03:09,560 - See you guys. - Okay. Donna, Jerry-- 90 00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:10,814 [Siren wailing] 91 00:03:10,889 --> 00:03:11,733 Leslie! 92 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,702 Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now! 93 00:03:13,722 --> 00:03:15,272 We have a class-one city emergency. 94 00:03:15,293 --> 00:03:16,982 Oh, my God. Gayle. 95 00:03:17,024 --> 00:03:18,437 My girls! 96 00:03:18,473 --> 00:03:19,743 What's the emergency? 97 00:03:20,071 --> 00:03:21,133 Oh, this is just a drill, 98 00:03:21,176 --> 00:03:23,310 but I am having so much fun pretending it's real. 99 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,373 Are you kidding me? 100 00:03:24,379 --> 00:03:26,269 The disaster-preparedness people picked today? 101 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:28,775 Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed 102 00:03:28,794 --> 00:03:31,063 by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. 103 00:03:31,113 --> 00:03:34,519 And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. 104 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,606 On last year's report, they stated, 105 00:03:36,646 --> 00:03:39,447 "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, 106 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,935 "the town is in danger of collapsing 107 00:03:40,953 --> 00:03:43,550 into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem." 108 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,375 Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone, 109 00:03:46,412 --> 00:03:48,946 so let's just knock some of this stuff off. 110 00:03:49,208 --> 00:03:51,541 Should someone stop Jerry? 111 00:03:52,768 --> 00:03:54,740 Gayle! [Groans] 112 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:57,904 Eh, he'll figure it out eventually. 113 00:03:58,384 --> 00:04:00,034 First, we do the written exam, 114 00:04:00,050 --> 00:04:02,342 and then we do the personality evaluation, 115 00:04:02,366 --> 00:04:04,950 which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 116 00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:07,338 "But he's got a great personality." 117 00:04:08,574 --> 00:04:09,949 Okay, quiz me. 118 00:04:10,411 --> 00:04:13,930 Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542? 119 00:04:13,966 --> 00:04:16,133 Assault and battery. The way I remember that, 120 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:20,423 I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries. 121 00:04:20,505 --> 00:04:22,718 Great. What is the criminal code for arson? 122 00:04:22,743 --> 00:04:24,233 Arson is 533. 123 00:04:24,258 --> 00:04:27,827 You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries 124 00:04:27,845 --> 00:04:29,322 lighting a building on fire. 125 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,695 Oh, I'm nervous. 126 00:04:31,245 --> 00:04:32,339 Babe, look at me. 127 00:04:32,369 --> 00:04:35,188 You are going to pass this test, and you are going to become a cop. 128 00:04:35,269 --> 00:04:37,419 And if you don't, I'll just divorce you 129 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,709 and marry someone else 130 00:04:38,739 --> 00:04:40,184 and then cheat on them with you. 131 00:04:40,208 --> 00:04:41,309 [Chuckling] 132 00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:42,697 Aw, that's so sweet. 133 00:04:42,711 --> 00:04:44,964 Also, I got you a lucky charm. 134 00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,329 I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, 135 00:04:47,364 --> 00:04:49,284 and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm. 136 00:04:49,328 --> 00:04:51,903 Baby, you are so creepy. 137 00:04:52,346 --> 00:04:54,712 Thank you. I love it. 138 00:04:55,034 --> 00:04:57,001 Dwyer, you're up. 139 00:04:57,190 --> 00:04:58,590 My name is Leonard Tchulm. 140 00:04:58,592 --> 00:05:01,655 I'm head of the Indiana Department of Emergency Preparedness. 141 00:05:01,693 --> 00:05:03,005 And today I'm going to bring 142 00:05:03,042 --> 00:05:05,238 death and destruction to your town. 143 00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:07,915 I am Leslie Knope. I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar. 144 00:05:07,946 --> 00:05:09,990 And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, 145 00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:13,134 but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient. 146 00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:16,397 Good, because the best day for a drill is when it's inconvenient for everyone. 147 00:05:16,497 --> 00:05:18,492 My mother is getting a colonoscopy today. 148 00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:20,768 I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, 149 00:05:20,814 --> 00:05:22,927 so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope. 150 00:05:22,970 --> 00:05:24,803 Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. 151 00:05:24,836 --> 00:05:26,381 Mm, we're not that close. 152 00:05:26,432 --> 00:05:27,931 Oh. Good. 153 00:05:28,034 --> 00:05:28,799 [Chuckles] 154 00:05:28,822 --> 00:05:30,666 Okay, volunteer victims, 155 00:05:30,691 --> 00:05:32,810 please put your identification placards on now 156 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,750 and go to your designated areas throughout town. 157 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,708 First Responders, return to your stations, 158 00:05:36,761 --> 00:05:38,761 and the simulation begins... 159 00:05:38,788 --> 00:05:41,572 N-n-n... 160 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,471 Went past the zero. 161 00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:49,331 I got to wait till it goes... 162 00:05:51,043 --> 00:05:52,060 Okay, now. 163 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,672 All right, officers, bolt the doors. 164 00:05:53,713 --> 00:05:55,742 We are officially in lockdown mode. 165 00:05:55,779 --> 00:05:59,457 The doors will not open until Leonard announces that this drill is complete. 166 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:02,417 The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life 167 00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:05,762 is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room. 168 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,033 This is a nightmare. 169 00:06:08,395 --> 00:06:10,795 Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. 170 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:13,625 [Sighs] 171 00:06:13,676 --> 00:06:15,391 Nope, can't fly away. 172 00:06:15,522 --> 00:06:16,772 This is real life. 173 00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:20,848 And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random 174 00:06:21,654 --> 00:06:23,354 to determine your simulated disaster. 175 00:06:23,381 --> 00:06:24,098 [Envelope opening] 176 00:06:24,116 --> 00:06:26,341 Pawnee has been hit by... 177 00:06:26,884 --> 00:06:28,461 A strain of avian flu. 178 00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:30,521 Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot. 179 00:06:30,541 --> 00:06:31,635 This is a simple one, guys. 180 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,490 Everybody open their binders, okay? 181 00:06:33,632 --> 00:06:35,976 - "The Knope Protocol"? - Uh, correction. 182 00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:39,393 That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol." 183 00:06:39,422 --> 00:06:41,112 Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, 184 00:06:41,124 --> 00:06:43,787 we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes. 185 00:06:43,829 --> 00:06:46,492 "Step one-- insert the DVD scenario." 186 00:06:46,523 --> 00:06:48,523 Hmm, what could be on this? 187 00:06:48,787 --> 00:06:50,611 Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor 188 00:06:50,629 --> 00:06:52,242 Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. 189 00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:54,848 Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. 190 00:06:54,890 --> 00:06:58,571 We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center for an update. 191 00:06:58,959 --> 00:07:00,030 [Italian accent] Hello, my name is 192 00:07:00,048 --> 00:07:01,922 Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. I graduated 193 00:07:01,947 --> 00:07:03,748 first in my class from Harvard Medical School, 194 00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:04,985 so I know what I'm talking about. 195 00:07:05,043 --> 00:07:08,178 This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1." 196 00:07:08,324 --> 00:07:11,049 Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup? 197 00:07:11,086 --> 00:07:13,013 The tables showed up, which is good, 198 00:07:13,025 --> 00:07:14,885 but there are no chairs, which is bad. 199 00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:18,965 Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere. 200 00:07:19,131 --> 00:07:21,631 Great leadership-- inspiring. 201 00:07:21,662 --> 00:07:24,345 Oh, God. Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today 202 00:07:24,371 --> 00:07:27,217 - to promote the gala. - I'll do it. 203 00:07:27,244 --> 00:07:29,912 No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV. 204 00:07:30,065 --> 00:07:33,153 I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry. 205 00:07:33,646 --> 00:07:36,034 Fair point. I did cry last time. 206 00:07:36,051 --> 00:07:37,721 Godspeed. 207 00:07:39,089 --> 00:07:42,231 Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef. What you cooking? 208 00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,607 Little coq au vin? Little bouillabaisse? 209 00:07:44,731 --> 00:07:46,659 You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford. 210 00:07:46,691 --> 00:07:49,075 I know why you're here. I cannot do the gala. 211 00:07:49,097 --> 00:07:50,293 It doesn't make business sense 212 00:07:50,311 --> 00:07:52,051 to cater something that big for free. 213 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,229 Please. If the gala doesn't go perfectly, 214 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,741 the lot could become a Paunch Burger. 215 00:07:55,756 --> 00:07:58,260 Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities? 216 00:07:58,367 --> 00:07:59,661 I'm from Orlando. 217 00:07:59,731 --> 00:08:01,514 And I don't care about the Paunch Burger. 218 00:08:01,566 --> 00:08:04,567 If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry. 219 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:07,944 Hey! Well, you know what? 220 00:08:07,996 --> 00:08:09,696 What? What? 221 00:08:09,715 --> 00:08:11,462 What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen! 222 00:08:11,493 --> 00:08:12,768 Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. 223 00:08:12,790 --> 00:08:14,041 Pardon! Pardon! 224 00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:15,819 Hey, can you hear me? 225 00:08:15,845 --> 00:08:18,122 Oh! Leslie, you on the TV! 226 00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:19,693 Well, you're on mine, Brett. 227 00:08:19,717 --> 00:08:22,074 - We're having a video conference. - Oh, okay. 228 00:08:22,146 --> 00:08:24,621 Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu. 229 00:08:24,779 --> 00:08:26,492 - Tight. - No, this is bad news. 230 00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:28,539 I need everyone there at Animal Control 231 00:08:28,564 --> 00:08:31,272 to eradicate all the infected birds in town. 232 00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:34,220 "Kill all birds." 233 00:08:34,351 --> 00:08:36,032 - This is for the drill, right? - Yes. 234 00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:38,392 But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real? 235 00:08:38,688 --> 00:08:40,554 No. No, just pretend. 236 00:08:40,575 --> 00:08:43,733 Right. So how do I kill 'em-- like, with a gun? 237 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:44,585 No. 238 00:08:44,622 --> 00:08:47,180 I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time. 239 00:08:47,202 --> 00:08:48,783 Okay, let's forget we ever talked. 240 00:08:48,802 --> 00:08:49,918 Got it. Kill 'em. 241 00:08:49,976 --> 00:08:52,231 Okay, casualty update-- only four dead, 242 00:08:52,243 --> 00:08:54,877 two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. 243 00:08:54,891 --> 00:08:56,584 That family took a terrible hit. 244 00:08:56,611 --> 00:08:57,588 Well, that's great news. 245 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,466 Not so fast. I regret to inform you 246 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,796 that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms-- 247 00:09:02,011 --> 00:09:04,178 - Christopher Traeger. - What? 248 00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:07,534 A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, 249 00:09:07,557 --> 00:09:09,223 even hypothetical, would have sent me 250 00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:11,325 careening towards Bummerville, 251 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:15,245 but now I am infected with a killer virus, 252 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,564 and I feel fine. 253 00:09:17,983 --> 00:09:19,139 Therapy! 254 00:09:19,193 --> 00:09:20,609 This is highly irregular. 255 00:09:20,635 --> 00:09:22,367 We have followed protocol to the letter. 256 00:09:22,401 --> 00:09:23,303 No, you did not. 257 00:09:23,322 --> 00:09:25,543 Unfortunately, no one contacted the transit department 258 00:09:25,562 --> 00:09:26,899 to shut down bus service. 259 00:09:26,923 --> 00:09:29,299 So you rode a bus with a contagious man, 260 00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:31,452 and he infected you and 39 others. 261 00:09:31,469 --> 00:09:33,352 That is impossible. I do not ride the bus. 262 00:09:33,378 --> 00:09:35,384 I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak. 263 00:09:35,406 --> 00:09:37,087 Doesn't matter. Prepare for the diarrhea. 264 00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:39,792 Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit? 265 00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:47,135 My bad, guys. That's my bad. Chris, very sorry. 266 00:09:47,174 --> 00:09:48,305 Damn it, Jamm. 267 00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:50,013 I should've had animal control kill you. 268 00:09:50,031 --> 00:09:52,113 - Oh, who you want me to kill? - No one. 269 00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,499 I'll kill him... 270 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,871 As soon as I'm done with these birds. 271 00:09:56,533 --> 00:09:57,823 Hello. 272 00:09:57,939 --> 00:10:00,528 I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala. 273 00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:03,357 Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. 274 00:10:03,497 --> 00:10:05,116 I went on a booze cruise last week. 275 00:10:05,135 --> 00:10:07,347 It just finished up an hour ago. 276 00:10:07,949 --> 00:10:12,732 On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies. 277 00:10:12,783 --> 00:10:14,453 - I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah. 278 00:10:14,606 --> 00:10:16,669 But I do need to promote this event. 279 00:10:16,706 --> 00:10:18,756 Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. 280 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,800 The show must go on. In five, four, three... 281 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,287 Two... 282 00:10:22,614 --> 00:10:25,716 Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. 283 00:10:25,771 --> 00:10:29,504 Today's show will not go on. 284 00:10:35,476 --> 00:10:37,434 It seems like her allergies are kicking in. 285 00:10:37,453 --> 00:10:38,505 [Snores] 286 00:10:38,548 --> 00:10:40,399 My name is Ron Swanson. 287 00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:44,864 I am here to tell you about a black-tie gala fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons 288 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,152 happening tonight. 289 00:10:46,225 --> 00:10:48,959 All proceeds will go toward building a park. 290 00:10:49,004 --> 00:10:50,649 It will be enjoyable. [Snoring] 291 00:10:50,690 --> 00:10:52,623 Take a-- take a phone call. 292 00:10:52,849 --> 00:10:54,999 Now I will take your calls, apparently. 293 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,516 - [Snoring] - Yes? 294 00:10:56,543 --> 00:10:58,412 Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me. 295 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,471 Who's the sexiest couple in history? 296 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,716 R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber-- 297 00:11:02,799 --> 00:11:04,387 [Dial tone] 298 00:11:04,418 --> 00:11:05,917 [Cell phone ringing] 299 00:11:06,257 --> 00:11:07,363 Hey, how's it going? 300 00:11:07,387 --> 00:11:10,720 Uh, well, this simulated disaster is a total disaster. 301 00:11:10,764 --> 00:11:11,846 How are you? 302 00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:14,255 Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today. 303 00:11:14,288 --> 00:11:17,083 Ron who? Ron Swanson? On television? 304 00:11:17,114 --> 00:11:19,403 You know we want people to come, right? 305 00:11:19,422 --> 00:11:21,330 Donna still can't find any chairs. 306 00:11:21,355 --> 00:11:22,924 We don't know where Jerry is. 307 00:11:22,952 --> 00:11:24,843 And now some firemen are using 308 00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:27,708 the lot as a triage center for the emergency drill. 309 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,279 Okay, here's what you do. Listen to me caref-- 310 00:11:29,303 --> 00:11:32,341 Attention. Panic from the outbreak has overloaded cell phone towers. 311 00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:34,316 Please deposit your phones into this box. 312 00:11:34,341 --> 00:11:35,897 Oh, my God, this drill will never end. 313 00:11:35,916 --> 00:11:37,624 - Okay, tell the firefighters... - All phones. 314 00:11:37,649 --> 00:11:39,332 To set up triage at the high school... 315 00:11:39,351 --> 00:11:40,257 - All phones. - And then to-- 316 00:11:40,294 --> 00:11:41,532 but I'm talking to someone important. 317 00:11:41,557 --> 00:11:42,982 - All phones. - Let me tell him something important. 318 00:11:43,018 --> 00:11:44,912 - Fix it, Ben! Fix it! - Okay. 319 00:11:45,503 --> 00:11:46,660 What? 320 00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:50,282 I found one chair, got a lead on a second. 321 00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:52,855 Keep me posted. 322 00:11:53,110 --> 00:11:54,820 So this test will determine 323 00:11:54,846 --> 00:11:56,613 whether you have the right personality profile 324 00:11:56,631 --> 00:11:57,769 to be a police officer. 325 00:11:57,828 --> 00:11:59,647 Just to make sure the machine is working, 326 00:11:59,712 --> 00:12:01,553 is your name Andy? 327 00:12:02,134 --> 00:12:04,301 I don't know how to answer that. 328 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,092 - A simple "yes" or "no." - Well, everyone calls me Andy, 329 00:12:07,116 --> 00:12:09,836 but my full name is Andrew, I think, 330 00:12:10,008 --> 00:12:11,665 so... 331 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,616 No? 332 00:12:13,727 --> 00:12:15,728 Wait. Yes. 333 00:12:16,224 --> 00:12:17,193 Let's move on. 334 00:12:17,228 --> 00:12:19,219 Scenario-- a high-school-aged child 335 00:12:19,231 --> 00:12:21,098 asks to hold your service revolver. 336 00:12:21,137 --> 00:12:21,945 What do you do? 337 00:12:21,970 --> 00:12:23,992 Yes, I give it to him. 338 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,428 When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. 339 00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:28,973 To make that dream come true for another kid-- well, 340 00:12:29,225 --> 00:12:31,600 that's what being a cop is all about. 341 00:12:32,157 --> 00:12:34,522 Scenario--you pull a car over for speeding. 342 00:12:34,561 --> 00:12:36,054 You find out that it's your father. 343 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:38,088 - How do you handle the situation? - Ooh. 344 00:12:38,134 --> 00:12:40,603 Well, first, I would be like, 345 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,416 "Dad... 346 00:12:42,536 --> 00:12:45,062 "You're alive? What the hell? 347 00:12:45,137 --> 00:12:47,403 Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?" 348 00:12:47,769 --> 00:12:50,038 Shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere? 349 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,268 Oh, no. If she ever found out that we took her off camera, 350 00:12:52,299 --> 00:12:53,549 we'd all be fired. 351 00:12:53,611 --> 00:12:55,627 So just, uh, keep taking calls. You're doing great. 352 00:12:55,645 --> 00:12:57,258 Three, two... 353 00:12:57,683 --> 00:12:58,908 Hello, again. 354 00:12:58,935 --> 00:13:00,116 I'm Ron Swanson, 355 00:13:00,134 --> 00:13:02,088 and I am still taking your calls-- 356 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:03,981 hopefully, about tonight's gala. 357 00:13:04,509 --> 00:13:05,453 You're on the air. 358 00:13:05,479 --> 00:13:07,745 Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan? 359 00:13:07,776 --> 00:13:09,473 She has a bad hangover, 360 00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,797 which she is pretending is allergies. 361 00:13:11,994 --> 00:13:13,494 Is she gonna be okay? 362 00:13:13,533 --> 00:13:16,016 Wouldn't know-- never been hungover. 363 00:13:16,231 --> 00:13:17,754 After I've had too much whiskey, 364 00:13:17,779 --> 00:13:21,023 I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. 365 00:13:21,063 --> 00:13:22,963 I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, 366 00:13:22,994 --> 00:13:23,993 and go to sleep. 367 00:13:24,019 --> 00:13:25,894 - That works? - It does. 368 00:13:26,031 --> 00:13:29,438 Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala 369 00:13:29,656 --> 00:13:31,744 or one of my other interests-- 370 00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:35,123 Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, 371 00:13:35,154 --> 00:13:37,621 meat, that sort of thing. 372 00:13:38,048 --> 00:13:39,934 I'm afraid I have some very bad news. 373 00:13:40,064 --> 00:13:44,512 "I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, 374 00:13:44,609 --> 00:13:47,176 "combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, 375 00:13:47,278 --> 00:13:49,241 "followed by even more diarrhea, 376 00:13:49,674 --> 00:13:51,858 have succumbed to the avian flu." 377 00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:54,304 I'm dead. 378 00:13:54,344 --> 00:13:55,791 I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels 379 00:13:55,809 --> 00:13:57,486 like you're putting us through the ringer here. 380 00:13:57,512 --> 00:13:59,266 Can you us an idea how long this is gonna take? 381 00:13:59,322 --> 00:14:00,422 Uh... 382 00:14:00,493 --> 00:14:01,781 Probably six to eight more hours. 383 00:14:01,805 --> 00:14:03,558 - Eight more hours? - Nine. 384 00:14:03,595 --> 00:14:05,761 Are all state emergency drills this intensive? 385 00:14:05,791 --> 00:14:09,042 Oh, no, hardly ever. Councilman Jamm requested it. 386 00:14:09,207 --> 00:14:10,119 Oh, really? 387 00:14:10,137 --> 00:14:12,019 Specifically asked that the drill to be done today 388 00:14:12,050 --> 00:14:14,013 and said I should give you everything I got. 389 00:14:14,301 --> 00:14:15,026 Mmhmm. 390 00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:16,256 Guys! Come here. 391 00:14:16,465 --> 00:14:17,491 The game is rigged. 392 00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:19,019 Jamm invited Leonard here, 393 00:14:19,044 --> 00:14:21,563 and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down. 394 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:24,001 It is with a heavy heart that I say, 395 00:14:24,059 --> 00:14:25,438 "We have been jammed." 396 00:14:25,462 --> 00:14:27,410 God, that guy is the worst! 397 00:14:27,424 --> 00:14:30,172 Look, we are stuck in this room until the drill is over. 398 00:14:30,296 --> 00:14:32,713 What are we gonna do? The only thing we can do. 399 00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:34,824 In order to save our park... 400 00:14:35,335 --> 00:14:37,689 We have to destroy the entire town. 401 00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:40,612 Ladies and gentlemen, 402 00:14:40,625 --> 00:14:43,184 we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol. 403 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:46,521 Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have? 404 00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:48,209 Enough for 2,000 people. 405 00:14:48,224 --> 00:14:49,868 Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director 406 00:14:49,893 --> 00:14:51,875 - to flush them down the toilet. - You got it. 407 00:14:51,942 --> 00:14:54,726 Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers 408 00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:58,246 to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR. 409 00:14:58,265 --> 00:14:59,827 Sorry. Won't they become infected? 410 00:14:59,852 --> 00:15:01,218 That's a risk we're gonna have to take. 411 00:15:01,256 --> 00:15:05,089 Our top priority is now saving all the birds. 412 00:15:05,117 --> 00:15:07,785 And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch? 413 00:15:07,813 --> 00:15:10,793 Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with... 414 00:15:10,848 --> 00:15:12,047 A tornado quake! 415 00:15:13,168 --> 00:15:15,239 This is Ron. Go ahead, caller. 416 00:15:15,252 --> 00:15:15,858 Hi. 417 00:15:15,883 --> 00:15:19,799 My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. 418 00:15:19,855 --> 00:15:22,105 Is there a cheap way to repair that? 419 00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:23,390 Great question. 420 00:15:23,459 --> 00:15:26,303 Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. 421 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,748 That'll mask the scratches. 422 00:15:27,805 --> 00:15:30,089 Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier 423 00:15:30,116 --> 00:15:31,866 and get yourself a proper dog. 424 00:15:31,893 --> 00:15:33,932 Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, 425 00:15:33,951 --> 00:15:35,250 and cats are pointless. 426 00:15:35,329 --> 00:15:37,363 Come to the gala. Next caller. 427 00:15:37,390 --> 00:15:41,263 Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. 428 00:15:41,345 --> 00:15:43,520 Don't trust big banks or small banks. 429 00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:46,299 Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. 430 00:15:46,386 --> 00:15:48,953 Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. 431 00:15:48,992 --> 00:15:51,305 Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. 432 00:15:51,339 --> 00:15:53,220 Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." 433 00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:56,885 That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. 434 00:15:56,984 --> 00:15:59,335 I've seen three movies in my life-- 435 00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:01,568 Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, 436 00:16:01,757 --> 00:16:03,770 and Herbie Fully Loaded. 437 00:16:03,858 --> 00:16:05,858 My girlfriend's kids love it. 438 00:16:06,485 --> 00:16:07,898 It's pretty funny. 439 00:16:08,117 --> 00:16:09,688 Next caller. 440 00:16:12,031 --> 00:16:13,160 Good morning. 441 00:16:13,334 --> 00:16:15,134 And... it is a wrap. 442 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,147 Everyone in Pawnee is dead. 443 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:19,407 Including Councilman Jamm. 444 00:16:19,499 --> 00:16:22,018 What? No, no, you can't do that. 445 00:16:22,059 --> 00:16:25,313 It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about. 446 00:16:25,410 --> 00:16:27,160 Oh, well, joke's on you. 447 00:16:27,191 --> 00:16:29,152 I don't have anyone I care about. 448 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,322 Ms. Knope, I'm afraid 449 00:16:30,342 --> 00:16:32,972 I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade. 450 00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:35,477 This was bad-- Fort Wayne bad. 451 00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:37,345 Bummer. Thank you for your time. 452 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,361 I think we're done here. 453 00:16:38,386 --> 00:16:41,458 I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell. 454 00:16:41,595 --> 00:16:43,816 Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine. 455 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,672 I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. 456 00:16:45,807 --> 00:16:48,108 Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! 457 00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,482 Ghost jammed! 458 00:16:50,723 --> 00:16:54,096 We got all the way to Muncie before we realized that it was just a drill. 459 00:16:54,123 --> 00:16:57,021 I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called. 460 00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,623 No one had your cell number, Big "J." 461 00:16:58,648 --> 00:16:59,630 I find that hard to believe. 462 00:16:59,661 --> 00:17:01,118 Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around? 463 00:17:01,149 --> 00:17:02,798 We have work to do. Status report. 464 00:17:02,831 --> 00:17:03,848 - Status report! - Well-- 465 00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:05,065 Nope, we don't have time for that. 466 00:17:05,084 --> 00:17:06,417 We're gonna have to postpone the gala, 467 00:17:06,449 --> 00:17:07,876 but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow. 468 00:17:07,907 --> 00:17:09,973 Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing. 469 00:17:10,018 --> 00:17:12,084 Leslie, it's okay. 470 00:17:15,009 --> 00:17:18,342 Oh, my God. You did all this? 471 00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:20,449 How did you get food? 472 00:17:20,492 --> 00:17:22,827 I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius. 473 00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:25,004 Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? 474 00:17:25,031 --> 00:17:26,207 Their competitors. 475 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:29,152 I got all the other fast-food places in town to donate food. 476 00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:32,249 I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, 477 00:17:32,287 --> 00:17:34,181 - but-- - No, Tom, I love it. 478 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:37,587 And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens. 479 00:17:37,685 --> 00:17:38,935 How did you get the word out? 480 00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:41,588 Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. 481 00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:44,343 I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy 482 00:17:44,374 --> 00:17:45,907 on his elderly uncle. 483 00:17:46,104 --> 00:17:47,866 It's been a very rewarding day. 484 00:17:47,957 --> 00:17:50,854 Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage 485 00:17:50,894 --> 00:17:53,619 and then gave them and all the dead and wounded 486 00:17:53,658 --> 00:17:55,775 - two free drink tickets. - Wow. 487 00:17:56,165 --> 00:17:59,198 This is great. Thank you so much. 488 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,417 Let's start the gala. 489 00:18:01,911 --> 00:18:04,401 Oh, and thanks for dressing up, Jerry. 490 00:18:07,363 --> 00:18:10,365 [Jazz music] 491 00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:13,700 ♪ 492 00:18:13,730 --> 00:18:15,415 - Hello, Chief Fugleberg. - Hey. 493 00:18:15,473 --> 00:18:17,389 That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it? 494 00:18:17,403 --> 00:18:19,890 - Such a shame. - Oh, no. 495 00:18:20,035 --> 00:18:21,848 - Did he fail his test? - It's weird. 496 00:18:21,879 --> 00:18:23,896 He got 100% on his written test-- 497 00:18:23,993 --> 00:18:25,399 first guy in history to do it-- 498 00:18:25,430 --> 00:18:27,569 but he failed his personality examination. 499 00:18:27,642 --> 00:18:29,075 He's a sweet kid-- 500 00:18:29,103 --> 00:18:31,028 just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop. 501 00:18:31,133 --> 00:18:32,466 Oh, Andy. 502 00:18:32,599 --> 00:18:35,364 Too bad. He's certainly something of a genius. 503 00:18:35,493 --> 00:18:37,514 We could use his brains on the force. 504 00:18:37,596 --> 00:18:40,418 Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. 505 00:18:41,034 --> 00:18:42,955 Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. 506 00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:45,334 Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. 507 00:18:45,362 --> 00:18:46,556 Try to hit me. 508 00:18:46,645 --> 00:18:49,458 If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing. 509 00:18:49,875 --> 00:18:52,243 Uh, if I could have everyone's attention please? 510 00:18:52,283 --> 00:18:55,551 I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago, 511 00:18:55,579 --> 00:18:57,179 we have reached our fund-raising goal. 512 00:18:57,241 --> 00:19:00,159 [Cheers and applause] 513 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:04,235 Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community, 514 00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:06,910 will be poured right back into this wonderful project. 515 00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:08,638 And speaking of community, 516 00:19:08,794 --> 00:19:11,861 I'd like to thank my community-- my friends. 517 00:19:11,919 --> 00:19:14,146 It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, 518 00:19:14,175 --> 00:19:15,500 but it bears repeating-- 519 00:19:15,525 --> 00:19:17,192 No one achieves anything alone. 520 00:19:17,218 --> 00:19:18,728 [Opening rock guitar chords] 521 00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:21,163 Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee-- 522 00:19:21,238 --> 00:19:22,237 Mouse Rat. 523 00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:23,901 [Cheers and applause] 524 00:19:23,943 --> 00:19:25,170 ♪ Park 525 00:19:25,234 --> 00:19:28,567 ♪ we will build it, the park ♪ 526 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,551 ♪ It's not built yet, the park ♪ 527 00:19:31,766 --> 00:19:35,017 ♪ Soon there will be a park 528 00:19:35,153 --> 00:19:36,670 Thank you. [Cheers and applause] 529 00:19:36,778 --> 00:19:38,144 ♪ Park 530 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,880 I thought you should see why Leslie tanked the drill. 531 00:19:41,965 --> 00:19:44,596 Councilman Jamm used you as a stalling tactic, 532 00:19:44,628 --> 00:19:47,605 hoping it would kill Leslie's park project. 533 00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:50,599 If the test were any other day, Leslie would have aced it. 534 00:19:50,629 --> 00:19:51,443 I believe you. 535 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:54,474 Maybe I'll find my way back here in a month for a re-do. 536 00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:56,355 I appreciate it. 537 00:19:57,691 --> 00:19:59,772 Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? 538 00:19:59,797 --> 00:20:00,572 I'm impotent. 539 00:20:00,603 --> 00:20:02,135 Yeah, I don't need to know that. 540 00:20:02,461 --> 00:20:04,804 This is the best wedding present ever. 541 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,257 This is the best night ever. 542 00:20:06,284 --> 00:20:07,571 I wish we were getting married tonight. 543 00:20:07,613 --> 00:20:09,219 Well, we only have three more months. 544 00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:10,968 I can't wait three more months. 545 00:20:11,005 --> 00:20:14,074 God, I just hate the feeling of not being married to you. 546 00:20:15,221 --> 00:20:16,888 Well... 547 00:20:17,939 --> 00:20:20,055 Let's just do it, then. 548 00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:23,830 Let's get married... Here, tonight. 549 00:20:24,568 --> 00:20:26,124 I mean, we're all in black tie. 550 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:29,475 We've got plenty of food and entertainment... 551 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,813 And you did want to invite the whole town to the wedding, right? 552 00:20:33,810 --> 00:20:35,466 Leslie... 553 00:20:36,897 --> 00:20:39,514 Let's get married... Tonight. 554 00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:42,502 [Song ends, cheers and applause] 555 00:20:42,716 --> 00:20:44,684 _ 556 00:20:46,269 --> 00:20:48,236 Breaking news-- I've just been handed this. 557 00:20:48,305 --> 00:20:50,756 Pawnee has been hit by a devastating earthquake. 558 00:20:50,838 --> 00:20:52,906 We go to our reporter, live, 559 00:20:52,931 --> 00:20:55,549 Winnifred Makepiece, for the story. Winnifred? 560 00:20:55,627 --> 00:20:58,396 Thanks, Jessica. I'm here at the Pawnee Weather Center 561 00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:00,778 with celebrated geologist Isabella Winchester. 562 00:21:00,790 --> 00:21:03,211 Isabella, can you tell us more about this killer earthquake? 563 00:21:03,231 --> 00:21:04,501 [British accent] That's right, Winnifred, 564 00:21:04,519 --> 00:21:07,037 the earthquake registered an 8.5 on the Richter scale. 565 00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:08,814 That's correct. It was a large one. 566 00:21:08,839 --> 00:21:10,445 Thank you so much, everyone. 567 00:21:10,471 --> 00:21:12,650 From all of us here at Channel 4 News, 568 00:21:12,687 --> 00:21:14,350 I'm Jessica Rabrit. 569 00:21:14,425 --> 00:21:17,157 Have a good evening and be safe out there. 570 00:21:17,433 --> 00:21:20,568 [Humming news theme] 571 00:21:22,227 --> 00:21:27,227 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther