Remember at the end of Star Wars?
They're about to blow up the Death Star,
And they show the guys in those badass X-Wing Fighters.
They got red two, Wedge Antilles.
They got Luke,
And then they cut to a dude named Porkins.
They're like, "oh, what should we name him?
He's a big, fat slob."
[laughter]
How do you think he made it on to the fleet?
Were they that desperate, where they just took anybody?
If he's a good shot, what matters
Is his physique look like, right?
Well, he stood out, though.
He hadn't shaved,
So you could see, like, his, like, six or seven chins--
All, like, that weird razor stubble.
And not only that, but they crammed him into that cockpit
With, like, a shoehorn.
Did he get his own action figure?
- No, I don't think he did. - Bull crap.
There's a porkins figure out there.
It came with a hot dog.
[laughter]
[exciting music]
Sync by Loxforl addic7ed.com
♪ ♪
Hello, and welcome back
To another episode of Comic Book Men,
The only show that considers Mr. Mxyzptlk
An incredible terroristic threat.
I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson. - Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic. - Ming Chen.
Okay, man.
So what have we learned this week?
There's a guy who came in, and for whatever reason,
One of your employees was, uh, like a moth to a flame.
- Hey, how you doing? - What's going on, guys?
I have this statue.
I want to see if you guys are interested in buying it.
Nope.
[laughter]
Oh, this is a bowen Juggernaut statue.
You guys know about the Juggernaut, I'm sure, right?
Uh, yeah.
Ming, tell the man what you know about the Juggernaut.
- Stepbrother of Professor X... - Correct.
- First appearance, X-Men 12? - Very good.
What year?
1965.
This guy knows his stuff.
So why do you want to move this one today?
I just bought my own place,
And I'm trying to go to europe in the future,
Maybe next summer.
And I'm a teacher, I don't make that much money.
- Oh, yeah, what do you teach? - Third grade.
- Yeah.
You don't look like a teacher, like--
I mean, I wish I had teachers like you.
[laughter]
Somebody's hot for teacher over here.
No, I'm just saying-- come on--
I'm just saying-- rewind a little bit.
When you were a kid, all my teachers were, like,
Old women in their 60s.
Come on.
Yeah, no hot guys.
Yeah, none of those cool guys dressed like him, and--
- I'm just saying, my teachers didn't look like that.
I can't win.
Wait. Is it a boy?
It was a guy.
It was a young, like, dude in his mid 20s.
Why does it always have to be you?
I don't know.
[laughter]
How much money do you need to get to europe?
Basically, I want to sell it for $350.
I think I can get $300 to $350, easy, for it.
So that means...
For me today, $225.
I was looking to go a little more than that.
I know what you were looking for.
Well, that includes ming actually putting the cash
Into your pocket for you.
I'll decline that one.
How about we meet in the middle somewhere there,
In between, then?
- You wanted $350. - I want $350.
How about we do $250, call it even?
$275.
$250.
$274.
- All right. - Deal?
All right. $274.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
Send us a postcard from europe.
- You got it. - Have fun.
Now you got a rep.
- Thanks to you guys-- - What was going on there, man?
- What? - You liked the way he looked.
- No. - Nothing wrong with that.
[laughter]
- He looks defeated. - Scared him off.
- Hey, how you doing? - How are you?
My name is Nate Quarry.
I've got an independently published comic book
I wanted to see if you guys would be interested in carrying.
Oh, it's a zombie book?
Well, it's called Zombie Cage Fighter.
So, no, it has nothing to do with zombies, right?
There's a lot of zombie books out there, man.
Well, not one like this.
This is based on my life.
I'm a retired U.F.C. Fighter--
- Oh, really? - U.F.C., huh?
Mmhmm, the ultimate fighting championship.
Wow.
That's awesome. How long did you fight?
- About 14 years. - Wow.
Man... It's like Conan the Barbarian.
One man comes out, one stays--
The dude goes into an octagon
And actually bleeds and gets his face shattered,
And you're like, "that's just like something that isn't real."
[laughter]
Have you guys ever seen fights?
I've never seen one live, no.
- So, I mean, you wrote this? - Uh-huh.
I took my adventures, things I've gone through,
And then I threw in zombies.
So it's not really about fighting.
It's not even really about zombies.
It's more about what a man's willing to do
To feed his little girl and take care of her.
Shelf space is pretty limited at the stash.
Maybe is there some way we could sweeten the pot?
I thought it was an opportunity
To see if I could do a little bartering.
I stock Nate's book,
And Nate shows us a little training session.
You want to see a real fight, huh?
Yeah, I'd love to see a real fight.
All right, you know,
I think I can make something like that happen.
I know this isn't pro wrestling,
But do you have a fun costume?
Holy crap. That's a great idea.
Wouldn't that be awesome?
To have two guys dressed in costume,
Like a superhero fight?
Can you pull that off?
That's ridiculous,
But I think we can make that happen.
I think you got yourself a deal, man.
We will stock Zombie Cage Fighter
If you can get this match.
- All right. - To the death, right?
- You got it. - All right, man.
I'll give you a call, we'll set it up.
- All right, thanks, man. - Thanks.
I'm going to call Kevin...
See if he wants to come out and see this, right?
He'd love to see this, right? He'll be here in a second.
Look how hyped you are, man.
You're like a raging bull.
Yeah, man, I'm all amped up, man.
This is--this is real, like, man stuff.
You mean there's a drastic shortage of man stuff
In your life.
[laughter]
Okay, I got some things here
I think you might be interested in.
- What's in the bag? - What's in the bag, man?
All right, you ready?
- Feast your eyes on this. - Wow.
What's your guys' thoughts
On inter-species relations in comics?
Like...
Scarlet witch is married to an android,
Not a real man.
Did anyone come down on that?
The Scarlet witch's brother came down on it.
Quicksilver was like... You know.
"you married a machine!"
And this is a dude who'd been, um,
Nailed by bigotry his entire life
'cause he was a mutant.
I'm a firm believer that comic book fans--
We're very progressive thinkers.
We don't have the hang-ups that the rest of society has, right?
I don't think most of the rest of society
Has ever posed that question.
[laughter]
That's not one that really comes up in real life.
How you doing, guys?
Hey, how are you? How you been?
All right, not bad. Not bad. Good to see you.
I got some things here I think you might be interested in.
I think it'll be up your alley.
- What's in the bag? - What's in the bag, man?
All right, you ready? Feast your eyes on this.
Underoos.
Wow.
They licensed everything, didn't they?
- They did. - Yeah.
They had marvel. They had D.C.
They had Hanna-Barbera. They had Archie.
Star Wars--
They had He-Man, if I'm not mistaken,
Transformers--
Transformers, A-Team.
This was the be-all, end-all thing to have
When we were kids, you know?
Like, in gym class, you would take your shirt off,
Like, when you're playing kickball,
Just to let everybody know,
Like, "hey, I'm wearing my Underoos underneath."
I just want to say, for the record,
Some kids took their shirts off.
Others of us were like,
"I'm going to go sit with the girls on their period."
[laughter]
I remember the commercial.
And the commercials were oddly sexualized.
They were weird. They were very, very trippy.
Especially the girls' ones. Like, they were--
They were doing, like, go-go dancer moves.
They were, like, going, like...
You know? Like...
Dude, I'm thinking you could probably fit
Into one of those underoos if we buy them, right?
You'd look hot, man.
I buy both of these, you wear them.
- You put on that one? - Yeah.
We'll do the commercial, man. We'll reenact it.
Ming...
He could do the young, go-go girl moves.
[laughter]
Well, what do you think?
I'm not putting on a pair of panties.
You puss.
You're going to kill my dream of us finally
Getting to wear a pair of underoos.
- If you put these on? - You'll do it, too?
I mean, sure.
All right, what are you looking to get
For the underoos today?
Well, they're pretty rare, man.
So, I mean, I'm looking for $150 for both.
- Whoa. - That's a pretty fair price.
$150that's...
That's a lot, though, man.
Would you do 50 bucks for them?
- For both of them? - Yeah.
No, I can't do $50.
I mean, that's giving them away.
$100.
$50 apiece.
They ain't going to come back here again, man.
How about $75?
$90. Come on.
I'm going to have to stick with $75, man.
I hear you. All right.
$75.
$75? You'll take it?
- Yeah, I'll take it, brother. - You know what?
We don't need to shake. Yeah, better off.
- $75. - Thanks, pal.
- All right, man. - I appreciate it.
Take care, guys. Thank you.
What do you think? Let's try it.
Yeah, you just want to bust them open now?
Just bust them open and wear them.
All right, if you do it too, sure.
Shake on it.
All right, I'll put on the girls' underwear.
- In the store? - In the store.
I mean, I don't know why I agreed to this,
But, you know, I wanted to see if he could fit
Into the boys' ones too.
So, you know, I--
- Why did you want to see that?
I've said too much.
[laughter]
Come on, guys, at the count of three.
All right.
One, two...
Both: Three!
Come on, Ming.
Whoa.
No! No!
No, I knew it! Come on!
Where's yours? You said you'd wear yours.
It's underoos. I'm wearing them underneath.
Come on!
I didn't mean to wear it on the outside.
You knew what you meant!
- No. - Come on.
That's it. That's it.
- Holy cow. - I'm gonna go downstairs.
I'm gonna cut this off me, and I'm going home.
Ming, where's the lasso?
- Where's your tiara? - No.
Come on, you fine piece of woman,
Come on back here.
This is the birth of the comic book conscience right here.
I could do $400.
Can't do that.
So you've never seen a live fight before?
- Never. - Let's make it happen.
Yeah!
All right, let me put it out there.
Zombie apocalypse-- you become a zombie.
Is there anybody that you don't eat?
Yeah, I'd say so.
Can you be a judgmental zombie?
See, to me, like, if I see, like, myself,
There's too much blubber.
I'm like, "I'm not going to eat that fat.
It's so gross and chewy, the gristle."
I'd go the other way, man.
Like, I could stew you in your own juices.
Uh, walt?
- I don't eat any humans. - There's a new notion.
What do you mean? You'd go strictly animal diet?
I'd go strictly animal diet, yeah.
See, that's teen zombie, right there.
That's who girls could fall in love with--
An undead boy...
- Sparkly Walt. - Sparkly Walt.
And while I'm eating an animal,
I still cry when I'm eating it, 'cause I know I'm--
- You're like the american indian.
He's almost like a vegan zombie.
No, no, I mean-- no, I would eat flesh.
All you eat now is chicken.
Yeah, so I'll just hang out on a chicken farm for a while.
[laughter]
I would eat somebody like ming,
'cause he's all lean.
Yeah, but once you eat Ming,
An hour later, you want to eat him again.
[laughter]
Here you go.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Thank you. - Thanks. Enjoy.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
I'm interested in this, uh,
Green Lantern/Green Arrow book up here.
- Number 76? - Yeah.
Are you buying this to fill a hole in your collection?
I've been collecting green lantern stuff
For ten years now, and, um, it's one of the key issues.
I'm looking to add it to my man cave.
If you collect Green Lantern comics,
You need to have that one.
Green Lantern/Green Arrow number 76--
Pretty significant issue, right?
Oh, yeah, man, huge.
One of the greatest team-ups in comics history ever.
When the "hard traveling heroes" storyline began,
I believe that's what they grouped them all under.
It allowed the D.C. Comics universe
To take a look at social issues,
Not to mention a kind of political split
That I never really thought about before.
And what was really cool about these stories
Is, like, there was no, like, nice little wrap-up at the end.
It wasn't like Green Lantern and Green Arrow
Solved all the world's ills at the end of the issue.
You know, that's up to us, not up to a superhero.
Yeah. Excellent point, man.
You don't need a magic ring to change things.
I mean, this is the birth
Of the comic book conscience right here,
And the legendary neal adams did the artwork on this.
That's why you can feel the pain
In the faces of the downtrodden, you know, the poor.
Remember that-- look at that face, man.
That is just saying, like, "you don't understand.
And it's not all about fighting."
The whole issue was spent letting people know
That there are injustices out there,
And they don't have to be committed by guys in tights.
So I'll wrap it up, then, right?
Uh, you guys are willing to negotiate price a little bit?
Negotiate, huh?
Pages are yellow, cover's a little--
- Right, it's not an near-mint copy,
But if it was an near-mint copy,
It'd be three times this amount.
I could do $400. I'll knock 25 bucks off.
Yeah, I can't do $400.
Well, what can you do?
I can do $250.
$375.
How about $275?
$350I can't go any lower than that, though.
I can't do that.
I could sell you the trade paperback
With all the stories in it.
I'd buy that.
- You want to do that today? - It's $200.
[laughter]
It's got everything in here--
All the great stories,
The beautiful artwork by Neal Adams,
All at the fraction of a cost.
$30.
Sounds like a deal.
- Want me to wrap it up? - Sure, yeah.
I knew we could come to an agreement, man.
Thank you.
It's what america's all about, man.
[grunting]
It's the octagon. How awesome is that?
I've never seen an M.M.A. Fight in my life.
I don't think I could handle it.
But I always thought, like, if you added an element to it,
One element, if you brought it close to comics,
Like, having a fight around capes,
And, you know, uh, flowers that shot--
Maybe not acid, but at least destructive water.
At least urine.
[laughter]
What do you think of the spot?
- Wow. - It's awesome.
Did the costumes arrive? How do they look?
It looks awesome, man. This is going to be killer.
- I cannot wait to see this. - Big surprise for that one.
- I can't wait. - The guys are ready?
Oh, hell, yeah.
- Snooge to the nooge! - How are you, sir?
What's up, buddy? Nate Quarry.
- Kevin. - Nice to meet you, man.
- Jason. - Jason, nice to meet you.
This is-- I got to be honest with you.
Even just walking into a room full of tough boys,
I feel a little bit of fear.
I can taste it. What about you?
I can smell it.
- The fear, yeah. - Can you smell it?
Fear, and I can smell sweat and manhood.
[laughter]
Get your nose out of there.
So you've never seen a live fight before?
- Never. - Let's make it happen.
Yeah!
A matchup that's been years in the making...
Good versus evil...
[cheering and laughter]
- No way. - Oh, sir.
A matchup that's been years in the making...
Good versus evil...
Skinny versus rotund...
[drumroll]
Jay and silent bob.
[laughter and cheering]
Yeah.
No way.
Oh, my god.
This is unreal. You guys--
This is-- this was your idea?
Of all the characters that we could have watched fight.
[laughter]
I was not told the whole story.
You didn't lie.
There were costumed fighters.
But it was surreal seeing a in-shape,
Uh, tough version of me.
[laughter]
I can't wait till he gets in the corner,
'cause I'm going to teach him some of my--
- You're his cornerman? - Oh, I'm his cornerman.
You be his man, like, "get in there, rock.
Get in and take."
"don't give up!"
Gentlemen, take your corners.
We'll get you gloved up, and let's get this thing going.
All right, bro, just go in, hit him in the throat.
And then, uh, climb on his back, rear-naked-choke him.
Emote a little bit more in the face.
Remind this fool, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Only made $30 million 'cause of you."
If he eats too many twinkies,
He's not going to have the endurance.
Channel your rage.
You're mad that cop out didn't make more money.
You're mad that people made fun of Jersey Girl.
You're mad.
You know what?
If we win this, they can go back,
Drink some beers, and smoke some weed.
Get in there and get him.
- There you go. - Okay.
Bring it in.
We're going to keep it clean--
No nut shots.
No nut shots?
Ready? Go.
Come on, Silent Bob.
Oh!
All: Oh!
Take him down, Bob!
All right! Ooh!
See him work the coat? He flipped the coat back.
Yeah!
[cheering]
Encore, encore!
Ass to ass. [laughter]
Get out our singles.
All: Oh!
Oh, snap!
Coats are off!
[all shouting]
Get his back!
Come on, Silent Bob, strike back!
Come on, man!
[all shouting]
Yeah, get him on his back! Climb on his back!
Paralyze him!
[all shouting]
[cheers, groans]
- Bob tapped! He's out! - He is out!
Jay got him! Jay got him!
You know, I-I still think you got robbed.
I know, but while I'm with you,
It's an age-old, eternal question
That I've been asking myself
And fans have been asking for years,
And we finally got the answer.
Jay versus Silent Bob-- what happens?
Silent Bob gets put down.
[laughter]
Like a dog.
Winner by rear naked choke, jay!
[cheers and applause]
I knew that would be the finishing move somehow.
Yeah, I mean, that's what you--
I gotta tell you, it was pretty awesome.
A, to watch some dudes fighting.
B, watch jay and Silent Bob fighting.
That's a way for comic book fans to feel macho.
They'd just put costumes on these guys.
Sounds tough macho.
[laughter]
Let's gonna wrap it up for another
testosterone episode of Comic Book Men.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson. - Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic. - Ming Chen.
It's clobbering time, kids.
Good night.