1
00:00:02,180 --> 00:00:05,397
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:05,497 --> 00:00:07,682
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,951
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:09,985 --> 00:00:12,720
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:12,771 --> 00:00:14,906
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:14,940 --> 00:00:17,141
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:17,175 --> 00:00:19,544
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:19,578 --> 00:00:21,028
♪ It's true love we share
9
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,314
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:23,348 --> 00:00:25,733
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:25,784 --> 00:00:27,819
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,871
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
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00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:31,772
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(chuckles)
14
00:00:31,774 --> 00:00:34,374
♪ The Cleveland Show 4x10 ♪
When a Man (or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie
Original Air Date on February 17, 2013
15
00:00:34,376 --> 00:00:35,843
(low conversations)
16
00:00:39,715 --> 00:00:42,049
All right, listen up.
17
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,702
I told Freight Train to be home
promptly at 6:30
18
00:00:44,736 --> 00:00:48,206
for a special dinner, so it's
time for everybody to hide.
19
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,757
Donna, you're the biggest,
so you might want to push
20
00:00:49,808 --> 00:00:51,893
the couch and the
piano together.
21
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,277
Come on, big'un.
22
00:00:55,898 --> 00:00:57,565
Not yet. Not yet.
23
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,135
Not yet. Not yet.
24
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:05,106
And... finished.
25
00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:09,110
I call it,
"He Ain't Coming, Mom."
26
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,581
We goin'?
27
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:17,518
I'm sorry Dad stood you
up on your anniversary.
28
00:01:17,553 --> 00:01:19,120
Please, if I had to be reminded
29
00:01:19,154 --> 00:01:21,455
that I married her
b'tugly-ass every year,
30
00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:23,074
I'd stand her up, too.
31
00:01:23,108 --> 00:01:24,976
Let's go.
32
00:01:25,010 --> 00:01:26,193
WOMAN:
Bye, Lavar.
33
00:01:26,228 --> 00:01:28,129
(vehicle driving away)
Bye, Diane Lane.
34
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,266
Uh, I renamed my car Diane Lane.
35
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,635
Ooh, I'm naming
mine Carol.
36
00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:35,820
Happy Anniv....
37
00:01:35,854 --> 00:01:38,639
Ow! My breathing nose.
38
00:01:38,674 --> 00:01:40,274
What are you all doing
in my house?
39
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,310
This was our surprise
anniversary party, Lavar,
40
00:01:42,344 --> 00:01:45,279
and you were supposed
to be here hours ago.
41
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,431
(sobbing)
Now you know how I felt
42
00:01:47,466 --> 00:01:49,901
when you were late
and we got stuck with Cleveland.
43
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,269
That's me!
44
00:01:51,303 --> 00:01:52,486
Wait.
45
00:01:52,537 --> 00:01:54,772
(sobbing)
46
00:01:57,192 --> 00:01:58,743
Aw, this ain't Toys"R"Us.
47
00:01:58,777 --> 00:02:00,011
You're a liar, Mama.
48
00:02:00,045 --> 00:02:01,178
I'll only be a minute.
49
00:02:01,213 --> 00:02:03,464
Gotta grab me a big thing
of pretzels.
50
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,750
A minute?
That never means a minute.
51
00:02:05,784 --> 00:02:07,585
What are we gonna do?
52
00:02:07,619 --> 00:02:10,621
This place is so booooring.
53
00:02:10,656 --> 00:02:13,157
What?
This place is amazing.
54
00:02:13,191 --> 00:02:14,592
What are you
doing, man?
55
00:02:14,626 --> 00:02:17,161
I hang out here all the time,
playing office.
56
00:02:17,195 --> 00:02:18,496
(yawns)
57
00:02:18,530 --> 00:02:19,914
Work.
58
00:02:19,948 --> 00:02:21,165
You want to play?
59
00:02:21,199 --> 00:02:22,466
Can I be the co-worker
60
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:23,868
who's secretly sleeping
with the receptionist
61
00:02:23,902 --> 00:02:26,821
and no one knows
but everyone knows?
62
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:27,855
Cheryl?
63
00:02:27,889 --> 00:02:29,690
She's got HPV.
64
00:02:29,725 --> 00:02:32,426
So? All right, I'm gonna
go find the marker aisle,
65
00:02:32,461 --> 00:02:33,928
get a couple good whiffs,
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00:02:33,962 --> 00:02:37,198
and then go stare at
some screen savers.
67
00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:40,167
I'm sorry, Junior,
but this unit has been sold.
68
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,203
What? But I've been
playing office here
69
00:02:42,237 --> 00:02:44,171
for a year and a half.
70
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,557
I know. And nothing has brought
a smile to my face
71
00:02:46,591 --> 00:02:48,960
more than seeing you grow
Cleveland Jr. Industries
72
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,895
from a fake mom-and-pop
organization
73
00:02:50,929 --> 00:02:53,064
to a fake international
conglomerate.
74
00:02:53,098 --> 00:02:55,900
But I'm afraid floor models
don't last forever.
75
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:57,902
Can you give me a
moment to say good-bye?
76
00:02:57,936 --> 00:02:59,804
Take all the time
you need.
77
00:02:59,838 --> 00:03:01,906
It's going
in two minutes.
78
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,325
I envy you,
my particleboard friend.
79
00:03:04,376 --> 00:03:07,895
You're going to see what
it's like in a real office.
80
00:03:07,929 --> 00:03:11,182
(sighs)
That's always been my dream.
81
00:03:11,216 --> 00:03:13,217
Someday.
82
00:03:13,251 --> 00:03:15,586
Or maybe today.
83
00:03:17,856 --> 00:03:20,758
(grunting)
84
00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,493
This double-wide,
horizontal filing cabinet
85
00:03:22,527 --> 00:03:23,861
needs to go, too.
86
00:03:23,895 --> 00:03:25,262
Phew.
87
00:03:26,531 --> 00:03:28,099
Let's go, Rallo.
88
00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:30,234
Have you seen Roberta?
No.
89
00:03:30,268 --> 00:03:32,937
But I've seen everything else.
90
00:03:32,971 --> 00:03:36,857
(shuttering gibberish)
91
00:03:36,908 --> 00:03:39,360
(traffic sounds)
92
00:03:48,870 --> 00:03:51,772
It's even more beautiful
than in my dreams.
93
00:03:51,807 --> 00:03:53,958
Mornin'.
Traffic, huh?
94
00:03:53,992 --> 00:03:56,043
(chuckles)
Tell me about it.
95
00:03:56,094 --> 00:03:57,294
Frank Lefkowitz.
96
00:03:57,329 --> 00:03:58,929
Just transferred
from Sarasota.
97
00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:01,232
Well, welcome to the
Stoolbend branch.
98
00:04:01,266 --> 00:04:02,633
Sarasota, huh?
99
00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:05,302
Long shot, but do you know
Steve Mazepa?
100
00:04:05,337 --> 00:04:06,771
Oh, yeah, sure.
101
00:04:06,805 --> 00:04:09,306
He's the guy, about three foot
tall, huge calves,
102
00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:11,926
lives in a tree,
hands covered in fur, right?
103
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,928
Head looks like an anvil?
104
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,429
Uh, maybe.
105
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,031
I actually knew his brother
a little better.
106
00:04:17,065 --> 00:04:18,599
Well, better get
back to work.
107
00:04:23,488 --> 00:04:24,955
I'm doing it.
108
00:04:24,990 --> 00:04:26,624
I'm really doing it.
109
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,095
I just saw Mom
at the beauty parlor.
110
00:04:31,129 --> 00:04:33,481
She's crying
under a dryer.
111
00:04:33,515 --> 00:04:34,749
What were you
doing there?
112
00:04:34,783 --> 00:04:36,951
I was also crying
under a dryer.
113
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:40,387
Oh, I can't stand
to see Mother sad.
114
00:04:40,422 --> 00:04:43,090
So, when it comes to patching
things up between you and Mom,
115
00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:46,477
I think I've got just
the metaphorical ticket.
116
00:04:46,511 --> 00:04:48,012
Literal tickets.
117
00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:50,431
George Clinton and
the P-Funk All Stars?
118
00:04:50,465 --> 00:04:51,966
That's Mom's
favorite band.
119
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,667
They're for
your anniversary.
120
00:04:53,702 --> 00:04:57,505
The perfect mermento to
cammermurate the occasion.
121
00:04:57,539 --> 00:05:00,007
Cool. Who should I take?
Mom!
122
00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:01,509
My mom's dead, Cleveland.
123
00:05:01,543 --> 00:05:02,910
My mom.
124
00:05:02,944 --> 00:05:04,345
I bought these so you could
make it up to her
125
00:05:04,379 --> 00:05:06,614
for missing
your guys's anniversary.
126
00:05:06,648 --> 00:05:08,916
Let her know you don't
take her for granted.
127
00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:11,519
Just tell her that
this was your idea.
128
00:05:11,553 --> 00:05:14,088
I do like lying
to your mother.
129
00:05:14,122 --> 00:05:16,524
(funk music playing)
130
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,295
Oh, man. Great.
131
00:05:21,329 --> 00:05:22,847
McTubby and Wife.
132
00:05:22,881 --> 00:05:24,198
Thanks for the
tickets, Cleveland.
133
00:05:24,232 --> 00:05:26,033
You're welc--
Uh, they're from Dad.
134
00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:28,035
Oh, please.
Cleveland, I know
135
00:05:28,069 --> 00:05:30,171
you've been covering for
your father for years.
136
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,839
The cards, the flowers,
137
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,357
that time you
dressed up like him
138
00:05:33,391 --> 00:05:35,159
and took me to Paris
for my birthday.
139
00:05:35,193 --> 00:05:36,527
♪
(slurping)
140
00:05:36,561 --> 00:05:37,778
Oh, Lavar.
141
00:05:37,813 --> 00:05:39,280
This is so romantic.
142
00:05:39,314 --> 00:05:42,149
Shut up, Mommy.
I mean, bitch.
143
00:05:42,184 --> 00:05:44,819
(funk music playing,
fireworks popping)
144
00:05:51,376 --> 00:05:53,544
(whoops)
George Clinton!
145
00:05:53,578 --> 00:05:55,796
(whoops)
146
00:05:55,831 --> 00:05:58,249
Where's all my ladies
at tonight?
147
00:05:58,283 --> 00:05:59,800
(whooping)
Right here, baby.
148
00:05:59,835 --> 00:06:01,468
There are also men
in the crowd!
149
00:06:01,503 --> 00:06:03,554
Involve us!
150
00:06:03,588 --> 00:06:05,840
Which one of y'all ready to funk
with me tonight?
151
00:06:05,891 --> 00:06:08,008
(crowd cheering)
152
00:06:08,059 --> 00:06:10,144
Oh, my God, George Clinton!
153
00:06:10,178 --> 00:06:11,896
Cleveland, you
come, too.
154
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:14,732
No, he wants you.
155
00:06:15,684 --> 00:06:16,934
What's your name?
156
00:06:16,968 --> 00:06:19,537
Evelyn, but my friends
call me Cookie.
157
00:06:19,571 --> 00:06:22,506
Well, why don't I just call
you Cosmic Chocolate?
158
00:06:22,541 --> 00:06:23,858
Mmm!
159
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,243
Mmm!
160
00:06:26,278 --> 00:06:28,746
(giggles)
161
00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:31,081
Cookie, sit down,
you're gonna break the stage.
162
00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:32,166
Hah! Jealous?
163
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,534
Hell no.
164
00:06:33,585 --> 00:06:34,768
I am.
165
00:06:34,803 --> 00:06:36,570
When is the men's turn?
166
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,572
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
167
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,875
Why don't we just let
the mother ship sail
168
00:06:40,909 --> 00:06:43,344
right on into
your Milky Way, baby?
169
00:06:43,378 --> 00:06:46,263
That's my mom!
That's my mom!
170
00:06:47,716 --> 00:06:49,800
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
171
00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:51,435
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
172
00:06:51,469 --> 00:06:52,887
(crowd cheering)
173
00:06:56,658 --> 00:06:58,025
Is your mom funkin'
George Clinton?
174
00:06:58,059 --> 00:07:00,978
Making a damn fool of
herself is what she's doing.
175
00:07:01,012 --> 00:07:02,146
Let's hear it for
Evelyn, y'all,
176
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:05,099
my beautiful Bride
of Funkenstein.
177
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:06,317
Yeah.
178
00:07:06,351 --> 00:07:08,402
(Cookie giggling,
crowd cheering)
179
00:07:08,453 --> 00:07:10,821
(fireworks popping)
180
00:07:10,855 --> 00:07:13,324
(crickets chirping)
181
00:07:13,358 --> 00:07:14,541
It's been an hour
and a half.
182
00:07:14,576 --> 00:07:15,743
When's she coming
back out?
183
00:07:15,777 --> 00:07:17,378
Don't worry about Mom.
184
00:07:17,412 --> 00:07:19,146
She's probably just having
some cheese plates.
185
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,766
P-Funk's probably got all kinds
of cheeses-eses back there.
186
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:24,551
Well, I'm sick
of waiting.
187
00:07:24,586 --> 00:07:27,004
Let's tell her
it's time to go.
188
00:07:28,423 --> 00:07:31,158
Cleveland,
put your underpants back on.
189
00:07:31,192 --> 00:07:32,726
No!
190
00:07:32,761 --> 00:07:34,011
(loud pounding)
191
00:07:34,045 --> 00:07:35,246
Yeah?
192
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,280
My wife's in there.
193
00:07:36,314 --> 00:07:37,948
Tell her I'm ready to go.
194
00:07:37,983 --> 00:07:40,584
Is she a thick, squat
older version of him?
195
00:07:40,619 --> 00:07:43,070
That's very kind
of you. Yes.
196
00:07:43,104 --> 00:07:44,171
She with them.
197
00:07:44,205 --> 00:07:45,272
COOKIE:
Bow, wow, wow,
198
00:07:45,323 --> 00:07:47,191
yippee-yo, yippee-yay!
199
00:07:47,225 --> 00:07:48,425
My God.
200
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:50,294
Cleveland, do you know
what this means?
201
00:07:50,328 --> 00:07:52,496
I think we all know
what this means.
202
00:07:52,530 --> 00:07:55,165
George Clinton
has kidnapped your mother.
203
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,667
(laughs)
No.
204
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,124
So, let me get this straight,
Mr. Brown.
205
00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:05,542
You're saying that your wife--
206
00:08:05,577 --> 00:08:07,711
a thick, squat
older version of him...
207
00:08:07,746 --> 00:08:09,313
Very kind,
thank you.
208
00:08:09,347 --> 00:08:11,067
...was kidnapped
by Dr. Funkenstein himself,
209
00:08:11,082 --> 00:08:13,000
George Clinton?
210
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,201
I don't like
what you're implying.
211
00:08:14,235 --> 00:08:16,270
Why would any woman
run off with anybody
212
00:08:16,304 --> 00:08:18,489
when she's got a man at home?
213
00:08:18,523 --> 00:08:20,057
Uh, you're not all that?
214
00:08:20,091 --> 00:08:21,492
Come on, Cleveland.
215
00:08:21,526 --> 00:08:24,161
Once again, the police are
no help to a black man.
216
00:08:24,195 --> 00:08:25,896
We are both black, sir.
217
00:08:25,931 --> 00:08:27,464
All cops are white
on the inside.
218
00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:29,350
Like a Eskimo Bar.
219
00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:30,751
Or a coconut.
220
00:08:33,321 --> 00:08:35,873
These charts behind me
don't lie, people.
221
00:08:35,907 --> 00:08:37,658
Our numbers are down
across the board.
222
00:08:37,692 --> 00:08:39,193
According to this chart,
223
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:41,462
the only department
that's pulling its weight
224
00:08:41,496 --> 00:08:43,297
is the Charts Department.
225
00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:44,698
Nice job, Charts.
226
00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:47,818
How do we boost our numbers?
227
00:08:47,852 --> 00:08:49,219
Myron.
Uh, well...
228
00:08:49,254 --> 00:08:50,487
Terrible.
Why do I bother?
229
00:08:50,522 --> 00:08:51,972
Next.
Uh...
230
00:08:52,007 --> 00:08:54,041
Tried it in '09.
Doesn't work.
231
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,275
You, new guy.
232
00:08:56,544 --> 00:08:58,062
Well, Mr. Oxnard, sir,
233
00:08:58,096 --> 00:09:00,264
I think we should look
at the toys
234
00:09:00,298 --> 00:09:03,267
and make sure they're the ones
that the kids want to play with.
235
00:09:03,301 --> 00:09:05,336
Toys? What toys?
We don't make toys.
236
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:08,939
No, sir, I think what Lefkowitz
is saying is a metaphor.
237
00:09:08,974 --> 00:09:12,009
We need to put the fun back into
facultative reinsurance
238
00:09:12,043 --> 00:09:13,577
and cooperative underwriting.
239
00:09:13,611 --> 00:09:15,579
And with each policy
we give away a toy.
240
00:09:15,613 --> 00:09:17,247
A rubber bus
or something.
241
00:09:17,282 --> 00:09:18,666
Or dolls.
242
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,934
Yeah, or a rubber bus.
243
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:22,436
Good job, Lefkowitz.
244
00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:25,172
You're getting your own
parking spot.
245
00:09:25,206 --> 00:09:26,707
♪ Frank Lefkowitz
246
00:09:26,758 --> 00:09:28,692
♪ Has his own parking space
247
00:09:28,727 --> 00:09:30,744
♪ And there's shards of glass
248
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,713
♪ Slicing up my calves.
249
00:09:32,747 --> 00:09:34,915
(screams in agony)
250
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:39,636
This is P-Funk's
tour schedule.
251
00:09:39,671 --> 00:09:40,971
They're in Knoxville
tomorrow night.
252
00:09:41,006 --> 00:09:43,207
If we leave right now,
we can catch up to 'em.
253
00:09:43,241 --> 00:09:44,808
Dad, I think
Mom is okay.
254
00:09:44,843 --> 00:09:46,377
We don't know that.
255
00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:48,696
COOKIE: Oh, I'm more than okay,
I'm alive.
256
00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:49,947
Evelyn.
257
00:09:49,981 --> 00:09:51,915
Hey, Freight Train.
258
00:09:51,950 --> 00:09:53,484
How are you?
259
00:09:53,518 --> 00:09:55,636
I've never been better.
260
00:09:55,670 --> 00:09:58,572
You like the dress
George bought me?
261
00:09:58,606 --> 00:10:00,307
Evelyn, your mammarys
are hanging out.
262
00:10:00,341 --> 00:10:01,642
What the hell are you doing?
263
00:10:01,676 --> 00:10:03,627
Being appreciated, Lavar.
264
00:10:03,661 --> 00:10:05,796
George Clinton listens to me,
265
00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:08,432
and he likes my cooking.
266
00:10:08,466 --> 00:10:10,050
Gotta go.
267
00:10:10,085 --> 00:10:12,486
Hey, baby, you ready
for round 20?
268
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:13,837
(lascivious chuckle)
269
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:18,092
Did it sound to you like she
was reading from a script?
270
00:10:18,126 --> 00:10:21,762
Sounded more to me like
she was taking dictation.
271
00:10:21,796 --> 00:10:23,230
George Clinton
can have her.
272
00:10:23,264 --> 00:10:24,665
She's dead to me.
273
00:10:24,699 --> 00:10:27,067
You do know that
"she's dead to me"
274
00:10:27,102 --> 00:10:29,236
is just an expression?
275
00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:31,739
And so we
bid farewell
276
00:10:31,773 --> 00:10:34,675
to Evelyn Champagne
Brunch Brown,
277
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:39,496
aka Cookie, first host
of Friday Night Videos,
278
00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:41,765
former long-haul truck driver,
279
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:46,520
five-time Libertarian candidate
for mayor, and Jezebel.
280
00:10:46,554 --> 00:10:49,039
There's no place
for you in Heaven.
281
00:10:49,073 --> 00:10:50,758
Amen.
282
00:10:50,792 --> 00:10:55,696
I now ask her son
if he would say a few words.
283
00:10:55,730 --> 00:10:57,448
Go on.
This is ridiculous.
284
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,433
I'm not speaking
at Mom's fake...
285
00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:02,503
Get up there,
you're her only son.
286
00:11:07,909 --> 00:11:09,893
(sobbing):
Mama!
287
00:11:09,928 --> 00:11:11,628
Mommy!
288
00:11:11,663 --> 00:11:12,963
Too soon!
289
00:11:12,997 --> 00:11:14,798
(sobbing)
290
00:11:14,833 --> 00:11:18,469
I once accidentally saw you pee,
291
00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:20,537
and I didn't stop watching!
292
00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:22,573
(sobbing)
293
00:11:26,077 --> 00:11:29,746
All right, Lefkowitz, you
brought donuts for everybody.
294
00:11:29,781 --> 00:11:30,864
No, this is my lunch.
295
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,533
What do you want?
296
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,335
Well, hot shot, since you
saved us a bunch of money,
297
00:11:35,370 --> 00:11:36,804
I thought we'd throw
a company picnic.
298
00:11:36,838 --> 00:11:38,505
You're a family man, right?
299
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,674
What have I said
up to this point?
300
00:11:40,708 --> 00:11:41,742
That you have
a wife and kid.
301
00:11:41,776 --> 00:11:42,743
Boy or girl?
302
00:11:42,777 --> 00:11:45,362
(laughs)
Lefkowitz.
303
00:11:45,396 --> 00:11:49,199
I guess it's time
to rent me some Mexicans
304
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:51,368
or some blacks.
305
00:11:53,872 --> 00:11:55,372
Shut the front door.
306
00:11:55,406 --> 00:11:57,875
You're saying
you were with two girls?
307
00:11:57,909 --> 00:11:59,743
Yep, and if you add
both of 'em together,
308
00:11:59,777 --> 00:12:01,745
they were almost
age appropriate.
309
00:12:01,779 --> 00:12:03,514
(laughs)
310
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:06,517
Say, blood,
where you get these bitches?
311
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,051
Let me get this straight.
312
00:12:08,086 --> 00:12:10,587
Your dad is having relations
with young ladies
313
00:12:10,622 --> 00:12:13,290
only a day after fake-burying
your mother,
314
00:12:13,324 --> 00:12:15,726
who-- let us not forget--
is out with George Clinton
315
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,961
getting funked
six ways from Sunday?
316
00:12:17,996 --> 00:12:19,196
Yes.
317
00:12:19,230 --> 00:12:21,865
Cleveland,
you are white trash.
318
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:23,851
(laughter)
319
00:12:23,885 --> 00:12:26,720
Dad, I'm gonna help you
make things right with Mom.
320
00:12:26,754 --> 00:12:28,355
Forget that; I'm headed home.
321
00:12:28,389 --> 00:12:29,690
I got some Craigslist Asians
322
00:12:29,724 --> 00:12:31,792
gonna meet me there
in a half hour.
323
00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:35,562
Oh, he gonna get him some
and dim sum.
324
00:12:37,565 --> 00:12:42,402
Daddy, are you
and the Asian ladies decent?
325
00:12:42,437 --> 00:12:44,404
I'm gonna go swat
the tetherball out back
326
00:12:44,439 --> 00:12:45,839
till he gets home.
327
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,977
(sobbing)
328
00:12:53,915 --> 00:12:55,799
Dad?
329
00:12:55,833 --> 00:12:57,267
She's dead, Cleveland.
330
00:12:57,302 --> 00:12:58,302
What are you doing?
331
00:12:58,336 --> 00:13:00,003
Where are
the Asian ladies?
332
00:13:00,038 --> 00:13:01,939
I made 'em up, Cleveland.
333
00:13:01,973 --> 00:13:03,473
It's no fun messing around
when there's no one waiting
334
00:13:03,508 --> 00:13:05,676
at home for you
to slap you upside the head.
335
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:07,477
She ain't coming back.
336
00:13:07,512 --> 00:13:08,512
(sobbing)
337
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:17,588
Dad, can we get
badminton for Easter?
338
00:13:22,730 --> 00:13:24,864
I took it too far
this time, Cleveland,
339
00:13:24,899 --> 00:13:27,233
and now I realize
just how much I love her.
340
00:13:27,268 --> 00:13:31,404
The best thing I ever had
is gone forever.
341
00:13:31,439 --> 00:13:34,024
Dad, look at yourself
in the mirror.
342
00:13:34,058 --> 00:13:35,658
I'm fat.
343
00:13:35,693 --> 00:13:38,995
Lo at us, a
couple of schmoes--
344
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:41,164
one fat, one
heartbroke.
345
00:13:41,198 --> 00:13:43,700
You know what? Instead
of sitting here moping,
346
00:13:43,734 --> 00:13:45,568
get out there and
fight for Mom,
347
00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:47,370
and I'm gonna order
sliced tomatoes
348
00:13:47,405 --> 00:13:50,240
with my double cheeseburger
instead of frieses-
349
00:13:50,274 --> 00:13:51,441
or maybe I'll get
the fries, too.
350
00:13:51,475 --> 00:13:53,109
I'll eat the tomatoes first,
351
00:13:53,144 --> 00:13:55,712
but I'll eat the fries
if I'm still hungry.
352
00:13:55,746 --> 00:13:58,214
I ain't never had to fight
for no woman in my life.
353
00:13:58,249 --> 00:13:59,482
That's what losers do.
354
00:13:59,517 --> 00:14:02,252
Hello, I did that.
355
00:14:03,621 --> 00:14:05,622
And I won the
love of my life.
356
00:14:05,656 --> 00:14:06,890
Think about it,
357
00:14:06,924 --> 00:14:08,391
and I'm going to
have a cheeseburger.
358
00:14:08,426 --> 00:14:10,110
And you know what?
359
00:14:10,144 --> 00:14:11,911
No tomatoes.
360
00:14:11,946 --> 00:14:16,699
Actually, avocado--
that's a good fat, like me.
361
00:14:17,701 --> 00:14:20,153
(children laughing)
362
00:14:20,187 --> 00:14:22,355
Don't mess
this up for me.
363
00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:24,074
I'm living my dream.
364
00:14:24,108 --> 00:14:27,243
Now, I've paid you both
handsomely to know your roles.
365
00:14:27,278 --> 00:14:30,346
Again, Roberta,
you are my wife Jane.
366
00:14:30,381 --> 00:14:32,015
Our son was an accident.
367
00:14:32,049 --> 00:14:33,650
You've talked yourself
into loving me
368
00:14:33,684 --> 00:14:35,452
because I'm a good provider.
369
00:14:35,486 --> 00:14:37,520
And that's why I drink.
370
00:14:37,555 --> 00:14:38,955
Perfect.
371
00:14:38,989 --> 00:14:41,091
Look, I'll be around
for the intros, photos,
372
00:14:41,125 --> 00:14:43,827
or when you need your son
to be in a sack race,
373
00:14:43,861 --> 00:14:45,361
but the rest
of the time,
374
00:14:45,396 --> 00:14:49,349
you can catch a brother
at the swangs!
375
00:14:49,383 --> 00:14:50,350
Perfect.
376
00:14:50,384 --> 00:14:52,152
Okay, showtime.
377
00:14:52,186 --> 00:14:55,054
Frank, you family-having
son of a gun.
378
00:14:55,089 --> 00:14:56,289
Nice to meet you.
379
00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:58,391
Well, hello there,
little guy.
380
00:14:58,426 --> 00:15:00,860
You look
just like your dad.
381
00:15:00,895 --> 00:15:02,695
Wow, that's a kick in the b...
382
00:15:02,730 --> 00:15:03,947
(chuckles)
383
00:15:03,981 --> 00:15:05,782
Run and play on
the swings, son.
384
00:15:05,816 --> 00:15:08,284
Swangs!
385
00:15:08,319 --> 00:15:11,621
(sighs) Kids-- they
grow up so fast.
386
00:15:11,655 --> 00:15:13,490
So, why you keeping
Frank so late at work?
387
00:15:13,524 --> 00:15:15,241
You see he's
got a kid.
388
00:15:16,093 --> 00:15:18,044
Whoa, Jane.
389
00:15:18,078 --> 00:15:21,548
Don't you raise your fist
to me, you sad, little man.
390
00:15:21,582 --> 00:15:22,715
You know what?
391
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:24,717
This is stupid dumb.
Screw this.
392
00:15:24,752 --> 00:15:29,672
I'm going to go make out with
my boyfriend in his mouth.
393
00:15:31,442 --> 00:15:32,992
(groans nervously)
394
00:15:33,027 --> 00:15:35,011
Jane!
395
00:15:37,965 --> 00:15:39,933
Wait!
396
00:15:39,967 --> 00:15:43,536
Why are they always fighting?
397
00:15:43,571 --> 00:15:44,737
(cries)
398
00:15:44,772 --> 00:15:47,807
Does anybody want
to buy me a toy?
399
00:15:54,314 --> 00:15:56,950
Mr. Oxnard, sir,
I-I want to apologize
400
00:15:56,984 --> 00:15:59,752
for that "situation"
at the picnic.
401
00:15:59,787 --> 00:16:01,187
Apologize for what?
402
00:16:01,222 --> 00:16:04,090
You handled that with
class and dignity.
403
00:16:04,124 --> 00:16:07,043
I've had marital problems with
my young, black wife, too.
404
00:16:07,077 --> 00:16:08,394
Like what?
405
00:16:08,429 --> 00:16:10,363
Oh, she didn't like
my brother watching us.
406
00:16:10,397 --> 00:16:12,365
Look, Lefkowitz, I'm
gonna get right to it.
407
00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:14,033
I'm going to give
you Myron's job.
408
00:16:14,068 --> 00:16:16,069
He'll figure out a way
to support his kids,
409
00:16:16,103 --> 00:16:17,637
even the one
in the chair.
410
00:16:17,671 --> 00:16:19,772
Mr. Oxnard, you're a prince.
411
00:16:19,807 --> 00:16:23,276
I've dreamed of an offer
like that my whole life,
412
00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:25,612
but I haven't been honest
with you.
413
00:16:25,646 --> 00:16:28,081
I'm not a high school graduate.
414
00:16:28,115 --> 00:16:30,750
Myron went to Harvard
and he's a total moron.
415
00:16:30,784 --> 00:16:34,604
Be that as it may, I can only
worry about Frank Lefkowitz,
416
00:16:34,638 --> 00:16:38,041
and Frank Lefkowitz
has got to get his GED.
417
00:16:38,075 --> 00:16:40,443
Well, Lefkowitz, there will
always be a desk for you
418
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,278
here at McClennan
Reinsurers.
419
00:16:42,313 --> 00:16:43,446
Can I take it home?
420
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,215
Huh, yes.
421
00:16:45,249 --> 00:16:47,750
Good-bye, Mr. Oxnard.
422
00:16:47,785 --> 00:16:51,271
♪
423
00:17:05,052 --> 00:17:07,086
Penn State?
424
00:17:07,121 --> 00:17:08,087
Yuck.
425
00:17:08,122 --> 00:17:09,656
Cleveland,
I need your help.
426
00:17:09,690 --> 00:17:11,074
Here, start with these.
427
00:17:11,108 --> 00:17:12,859
Also yuck.
428
00:17:12,893 --> 00:17:15,595
I'm gonna fight to get your mom
back from George Clinton.
429
00:17:15,629 --> 00:17:16,829
How?
430
00:17:16,864 --> 00:17:18,304
I'm gonna do
the only logical thing--
431
00:17:18,315 --> 00:17:20,283
start my own
'70s funk band.
432
00:17:20,317 --> 00:17:22,085
All I need now
is the band.
433
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,787
You got some friends who might
be up for something crazy?
434
00:17:24,822 --> 00:17:25,788
Let me see.
435
00:17:25,823 --> 00:17:28,441
Dead, dead, dead,
436
00:17:28,475 --> 00:17:31,945
lost his thumbs, dead, dead.
437
00:17:31,979 --> 00:17:33,112
Wait a minute.
438
00:17:33,147 --> 00:17:35,548
Okay, one more,
one more.
439
00:17:35,583 --> 00:17:37,283
That was good.
440
00:17:37,318 --> 00:17:39,819
Now pretend I'm the Jostens man
and give me yearbook.
441
00:17:39,853 --> 00:17:41,854
Ah, forget it, here they come.
442
00:17:51,498 --> 00:17:54,334
Remember,
just scare 'em.
443
00:17:59,006 --> 00:18:01,324
(people screaming, Tim growling)
444
00:18:03,744 --> 00:18:05,511
He's good.
445
00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:08,081
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, we regret
446
00:18:08,115 --> 00:18:11,250
to inform you that George
Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars
447
00:18:11,284 --> 00:18:13,987
have been mauled to death
by a bear.
448
00:18:14,021 --> 00:18:16,889
On a lighter note,
that bear plays guitar,
449
00:18:16,924 --> 00:18:18,391
so put your hands together
450
00:18:18,425 --> 00:18:21,778
for Freight Train
and the Palpitations.
451
00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:26,566
♪ Ooh... ♪
452
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:27,600
Lavar?
453
00:18:27,635 --> 00:18:30,737
I want to send this out
to the only woman
454
00:18:30,771 --> 00:18:34,691
who's ever really mattered
in my life-- my wife
455
00:18:34,725 --> 00:18:37,093
Evelyn "Cookie" Brown.
456
00:18:37,127 --> 00:18:41,998
♪ Ooh... ♪ Cookie, I made mistakes,
I treated you wrong,
457
00:18:42,032 --> 00:18:43,850
but ever since you left me,
458
00:18:43,884 --> 00:18:48,054
I've been feeling sick, so bad.
♪ Ooh... ♪
459
00:18:48,088 --> 00:18:51,224
Everybody, gather around
in a circle because...
460
00:18:52,976 --> 00:18:55,762
♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie
461
00:18:55,796 --> 00:18:59,048
♪ Ookie, Cookie ♪
♪ Because I made such a mess
462
00:18:59,083 --> 00:19:02,852
♪ I'm eatin' my words now,
Cookie ♪
463
00:19:02,886 --> 00:19:05,722
♪ And they don't taste
the best ♪
464
00:19:05,773 --> 00:19:09,359
♪ Some people think it's just a game ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
465
00:19:09,393 --> 00:19:12,612
♪ But to me it means a lot
♪ Quite a lot ♪
466
00:19:12,646 --> 00:19:15,531
♪ My aim-- it might be shaky
♪ Ooh... ♪
467
00:19:15,566 --> 00:19:18,985
♪ But I'm gonna give it,
give it one last shot ♪
468
00:19:19,019 --> 00:19:22,221
♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie...
469
00:19:22,256 --> 00:19:25,458
I think Cookie Monster
put it best when he said,
470
00:19:25,492 --> 00:19:29,028
"'C' is for Cookie
and that's good enough for me."
471
00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:31,397
Yeah, those other women
472
00:19:31,432 --> 00:19:32,732
don't mean nothing.
473
00:19:32,766 --> 00:19:34,050
In fact, you know what?
474
00:19:34,084 --> 00:19:35,918
I'm gonna call them right now.
475
00:19:35,953 --> 00:19:39,305
Hello, Beatrice,
it's Freight Train.
476
00:19:39,339 --> 00:19:41,491
We're through.
477
00:19:41,525 --> 00:19:43,259
Hi, is this the Waffle House?
478
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:44,977
Let me speak to Jalisa.
479
00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:47,230
Baby, I got to quit you.
480
00:19:47,264 --> 00:19:50,566
Hello, Maureen, we're done.
481
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:53,069
Now give the phone to your mom.
482
00:19:53,103 --> 00:19:55,738
Hey, Doreen, you know
why your daughter's crying?
483
00:19:55,773 --> 00:19:57,173
Same goes for you.
484
00:19:57,207 --> 00:19:58,191
It's over.
485
00:19:58,225 --> 00:19:59,759
Why?
486
00:19:59,793 --> 00:20:01,227
I'll tell you why.
487
00:20:03,213 --> 00:20:07,083
♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie
488
00:20:07,117 --> 00:20:10,586
♪ Ookie, Cookie ♪
♪ I've been a big old nasty jerk ♪
489
00:20:10,621 --> 00:20:13,506
♪ It'd be a big load off
490
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:17,176
♪ Big, huge load ♪
♪ If we could just make this work ♪
491
00:20:17,911 --> 00:20:19,095
♪ So
492
00:20:19,129 --> 00:20:22,999
ALL:
♪ Come on, Cookie.
493
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,321
I'm sorry, Cookie.
494
00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:30,490
I love you and
your cooking
495
00:20:30,524 --> 00:20:33,192
and your tall-boy-
sized belly button
496
00:20:33,227 --> 00:20:35,428
and your
Libertarian politics
497
00:20:35,462 --> 00:20:37,096
and your ability
to drive a big rig
498
00:20:37,131 --> 00:20:39,031
a thousand miles without
changing your diaper.
499
00:20:39,066 --> 00:20:41,467
Oh, Lavar,
let's go home.
500
00:20:41,502 --> 00:20:42,623
You're gonna get
some cookies
501
00:20:42,636 --> 00:20:44,103
out of this cookie jar
tonight.
502
00:20:44,138 --> 00:20:46,005
Well, first you're gonna
run that cookie jar
503
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:47,373
through the dishwasher.
504
00:20:47,407 --> 00:20:50,343
Oh, Lavar.
505
00:20:50,377 --> 00:20:51,611
♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie
506
00:20:51,645 --> 00:20:53,613
♪ Aah, Cookie!
507
00:20:53,647 --> 00:20:58,647
== sync, corrected by elderman ==