And whoever impresses me most
will be named Employee of the Month.
Imagine having a CV. I just wanted to better myself,
broaden me horizons, and this was going to be it.
You need to freshen up, my love.
Why don't you go take a dip in the sea?
My name is Dominic Rook.
My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone.
Your department will be dissolved,
its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
Then God help us all.
Still feeling the benefits
of that lovely little ridge of high pressure.
And, oh, do my eyes deceive me?
Sunshine? 37 degrees?
I'll take it.
Time to dust off that bikini and hit the beach
And Larry Chrysler will see you there.
'And we're out. '
Sorry, what the galloping balls was that?
I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on here.
You only have so many "poor performances"
before it starts to look a lot like sabotage.
- 'It was fine, Larry. ' - No, Trevor, that was a shambles.
The only thing that saved that sorry sack of shit was my bikini line.
The line I said, not...
Look, I'm watching.
Don't you worry. I'm watching.
'That's the point. '
No, love, that is very much the point.
Nicholas Cage does not use that particular model of Jacuzzi.
'Mr Cage has purchased several hot tubs... '
Yes, he may well use your brand of Jacuzzis,
but that's not an after-dinner anecdote I can use.
I bought your product for one purpose and one purpose only,
to point at and say, "That is the exact Jacuzzi
"owned by Hollywood film star, Nicholas Cage. "
Look, love, no offence, but is there a man there I can talk to?
- 'Um, unfortunately... ' - Shit, hang on. Hang on.
'.. there's nobody else available. '
'Mr Chrysler?'
'Hello?'
SNARLING
'Mr Chrysler, are you still there?'
'Hello?'
'Are you OK?"
- 'Mr Chrysler?' - I'll call you back.
SNARLING
I've been here just as long as you.
I don't know why they made you manager and not me.
It's acting manager, and I have no idea,
Tom. I wasn't privy to the deliberations.
There, it's because you say "privy" and you don't mean the bogs.
It's just a title, Tom. It doesn't change a thing.
- Will you please stop that? It's unsanitary. - I know.
What happened to that Patsy bird anyway? Did she just walk out?
She was always highly strung,
clearly the pressure got too much for her.
But I'm sure she'll be back soon
and we can return to our original roles and responsibilities.
Until then, it will be, "Tom, can you help out on reception?"
"Tom, Mrs Smith left her key in her room, can you let her in?"
You know that's your job anyway?
Because I won't put up with it, Hal!
For starters, it's a full moon tonight, I'm having the night off.
I'm just going to walk out, go home.
And what are you going to do about it, eh?
- You can't. - Unbelievable.
No, I mean I knew that, so I scheduled you the night off.
Did you hear that then? Did you hear it? And so it begins.
MUSIC
Werewolf.
Testes one, two. Testes one, two.
Little bit bassy, but we can live with it.
So, what are the lighting choices? What have we got to play with?
Me?
On.
OK.
And off.
OK. Let's go with on.
The hotel door closed behind me, didn't have a key.
Locked out in the corridors of The Dorchester, London.
Not quite full monty. Calm down, ladies.
Still had on my dressing gown over a pair of pants.
But it took me 25 minutes to get another key.
- LAUGHS - Hilarious.
I'm reminded of the time I met my wonderful wife,
winner of Miss Avon and Somerset 1992, '94. All the same person.
Don't worry, I'm not a Mormon.
Double the nagging. Who needs it?
We met at a wild party after Children In Need. Erm...
when we met there were certainly sparks,
because I reversed my BMW six series into her Renault Clio.
Our bumpers kissed and then our mouths...
kissed.
DISTANT COUGHING
That was great.
I spotted you soon as you walked in. Did you spot me?
I can't say that I did, but I can certainly see you now.
So where do you change?
Er, in the dressing room. Sorry, I'm a little bit busy right now.
That's a lovely jacket.
- My name's Tom. Your name's Larry, seen it on your sign. - Well done.
So, what do you want? Money, a date, an autograph? What?
I'll have the last one if it's OK.
And there it is. Who do I make it out to?
Tom McNair. M, small C. Big N. And then air. Like, 'air. '
There you go. So, what next?
I'm guessing straight on EBay.
Because I check.
I always check.
I think it's great you're famous.
I didn't know we could be famous. I can't get over it.
'A response from the Secretary of State. '
'Placing Value Uppermost does exactly what it says on the tin.
'This isn't about cuts.
'This is about identifying those departments
'that simply aren't pulling their weight and reallocating...
'.. departments within the civil service.
'The Placing... '
Hal's got a girlfriend.
I have not "got a girlfriend".
He's visiting a girl.
And judging from that get up, she's got a very good sense of humour.
Lady Mary is simply an acquaintance, nothing more.
Wow.
An acquaintance with the Lady Mary? Ha, that's prison slang, surely?
No hanging out with fangs, Hal. Them's the rules.
Please don't call us that. Lady Mary is not a vampire.
She is a ghost, who died, some years ago.
Wait a minute. You know a ghost?
Another female ghost and you didn't tell me?
Because I knew there was no point. You really wouldn't get on.
I think that's for me and my new best mate Mary to decide, don't you?
Absolutely not.
Lady Mary is a shy, fragile creature,
with an innocence I am determined to protect.
What, you think I would corrupt her?
I think you'd corrupt Keith Richards. So, if you don't mind?
Told you. Girlfriend.
It is a pleasure to receive you as always, Lord Harry.
Since your last visit we have gained several invigorating new exhibits,
including an enchanting selection of pottery from the colonies.
Wonderful. I shall look forward to perusing them in due course.
- Boo! - SHE LAUGHS
His face. Shat you right up.
Alex. How's it going?
Ooh, hold that thought!
I thought we decided you were staying at home?
YOU decided I'd be staying at home, but I decided to ignore you.
Oh, come on, Hal, stop being all Hal about this.
I've got no-one to talk to about ghost stuff.
And I swear, I won't swear.
Lady Mary, allow me to introduce Alex,
a new ghost of my acquaintance.
I see. And I take it you two are, um...
.. I'm not sure what the modern parlance is...
What?
- Shagging? - THEY LAUGH
- God, no. No way... - Nothing of the sort.
Friends and nothing more,
in fact, we share our abode with a lycanthrope.
That is one crazy big dress, isn't it?
Still, I suppose it saves you shaving your legs, right?
Have you got any guillotines or stuff?
Oh, is there a dungeon in here?
My God, this place is so cool.
Lady Mary, I offer my sincerest apologies.
Not at all. No. She has a...
a boisterous charm that has awoken the teacher in me.
I almost wish my finishing school were still open.
I fear she is beyond the help of even your prodigious talents.
- Then I accept your wager. - My what?
The carving really is quite exquisite.
In addition, we have gained a new ivory comb and a Moroccan footstool.
- No, seriously, what? - Mistress Alex.
I feel we have so much to learn from one another,
- though we have hardly conversed. - Yes, totally.
And as it seems that Lord Harry has other
urgent business to attend to, it appears we shall have that chance.
What?
Yes.
I have business, urgent business...
to go and do.
But, it is my fervent hope that you will both become better acquainted.
A sentiment I echo.
Lord Harry.
Lady Mary.
God.
Haunting a stately home.
Shit, that must be brilliant.
I mean, sorry, not "shit". Um...
"Bums?" You all right?
Yes. I am curious, Lord Harry, has he...?
Oh yeah, yeah. He's gone.
Oh, thank fuck for that.
- What? - God, it's just such hard work keeping it up, you know?
All that 'thee and thou' bollocks.
- It gets on my tits. - You're not...
You're not posh?
- SHE YAWNS - Oh, let's get out of here.
The place bored me to frigging tears even when I was alive.
But now I have a playmate.
Come on, let's go, have some fun.
DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGING
- Mr Chrysler. - I missed the fried breakfast,
so technically, I'm just taking what's due to me.
I was under the impression that you were leaving us today. However...
Don't know where you got that idea from.
My management company specifically stated
there was one week's full stay included in the rider.
Well, whoever's error it is, it's very unfortunate.
Going out tonight, Mr Chrysler?
Maybe.
Be sure to vacate your room by tomorrow morning.
Well, that's fine.
Be good to get back on the road. Get some miles on the clock.
Hotel living can be a little bit soulless.
You know what I mean?
Thanks again.
CLUB MUSIC
So you put it all on, just for Hal?
It wasn't always an act.
When he first started visiting me,
I actually was that curtseying fuckwit.
So, you and Hal, what's the deal?
I told you, we're just mates.
I mean, we kind of had a date once, but...
it didn't go too well.
I laddered my tights on the way there,
then I had to run back and get changed and...
then I got killed by a vampire.
Shit the bed.
So, you kind of had a thing,
you got killed and now you and Hal live together?
Yeah.
- Mm-hm. - Oh, fuck off!
"Had a kind of a thing. "
"Mates". What is he like?! Ooh.
Shit.
SHE LAUGHS
OK, so, apparently, she is secretly shagging him,
but he's the boyfriend of her.
You can read their minds?
Isn't that a bit like reading someone's diary?
It's brilliant, isn't it?
So it's fair to say you've changed over the years?
Mmm. Doesn't everyone?
I mean, I read. I watch TV. I keep up with the world.
It just looks a bit bloody weird,
because I'm dressed like a cake decoration.
- She knows! - LAUGHS
And she's one Bacardi Breezer away from twatting her.
Oops!
GIRL GASPS
Fucking bitch!
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
Go for her! Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight!
Woo, woo, woo, woo!
- Mr Chrysler. - What?
It's you, again. All right?
- You off to go and drag your chicken round in a circle? - Excuse me?
I've got a cellar.
Awesome.
SHE RETCHES
Well, she's faking it
and he's thinking about his ex, but he's almost there.
Come on, you're going to miss it,
he's not exactly a long-distance runner.
Do you know what? I think I'm just going to pass.
Suit yourself. Oh, God, here we go.
LOUD MUSIC AND MOANING
WOLF HOWLS
I've got my own cellar now. A lot less faff.
Yes, the cellar. You're very pleased with your cellar, aren't you?
Look at the state of you.
No offence, but I know the signs.
Woke up in the woods then, yes?
Yes, bit of a crazy night last night, actually. Um...
some of the people from the show dragged me out to a club and...
absolute carnage, had about four pints.
Then a casino, fell in with a stag do...
Nice lads, but I lost a bet, so here we are.
I think I can hear my pager.
It's all right, you know.
What do you mean?
I'm a werewolf too.
Suppose it's understandable -
if you've never met any other werewolves, how would you know
how to spot them - us? I can't stop thinking about your talk.
All the things that you've done... and bought.
I was just wondering if you had any like, you know,
like, pointers for me?
I'm a werewolf too, but I've never lived anywhere posh like you.
I live in a house now, but I ain't got it all to myself.
I have to share it with a couple of friends.
I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.
We'd move about, keep a low profile
and, well, just live off the land, really.
- What did you say? - I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.
Before that.
Erm, I'm a werewolf but I've never lived anywhere posh like you?
- After that. You said something about living in a house with people. - Yeah.
- Do they know what you are? - Yeah. Totally. - And they don't mind?
- Well, they've got their own things going on. - So...
- You want to know about the secret of my success? - Yeah.
Half of me thinks it's impossible.
Half of me thinks it would be selfish not to pass on my wisdom.
And yet, the other half just wants to throw caution to the wind.
- That's three halves. - Oh, you're good. Ha-ha! Real good.
So, this house of yours, how big is it, exactly?
- We need to talk about Mary. - I did say you'd find her a little dull.
"Dull" is not the word I would use.
Erm, "Crazy sordid batshit shocking" is more the flavour.
I'm sorry, is this some new youth slang for "boring"?
- I do try to keep up... - Mary is not who you think she is, Hal.
The whole posh totty thing - it's just an act.
- Why on earth would she do that? - I don't know and I don't care.
But what I'm worried about is the fact that she's been stuck here
for 200 years and it's turned her into a total frothing loon.
Is that what's going to happen to me?
Look, even if you don't pass over for...
.. a while, I'm sure you'd cope with it admirably.
You and Mary are completely different people after all.
Had a thing with you.
Got killed. Stuck here as a ghost. But mates now.
Does that ring any bells?
- You all right, Tom? - I'm fine. Are you? Ooh.
Is that somebody at the door?
BUZZER RINGS
Tom. My young apprentice.
Larry, come on in, mate.
Alex, Hal, this is Larry - the werewolf who did the talk.
- Greetings. Larry Chrysler. - Hi.
Very nice. The room. Love the place.
Buffet monitor. Good to see you again.
Larry's going to teach me how to become a successful werewolf.
- How d'you feel about that, Hal? - Good for you, Tom.
Yeah, it is good for me, Tom.
- So, am I to take it you're both werewolves as well? - No.
- I'm a vampire. - And I'm a ghost. - Very good.
I can see what you're doing there. Using humour to break to the ice.
- Great stuff. - So, I see you've brought a suitcase.
Yeah, well, my tutoring can be quite time intensive.
We thought rather than a lot of coming and going,
I'd just stay here for a while.
- Er, yeah. Larry's going to stay here for a while to train me. - Great.
- The more the merrier! - You're not the boss of me here, Hal.
- I can do what I like. - Yes, I know, I said it was great.
So?
- Oh. - Great to meet you both.
I didn't know you wanted to stay.
I thought we'd discussed it, hadn't we? I'm sure we did.
- We were thinking it, anyway. - Because of the training? - Yeah. Yeah.
- The training. Lots of it. - Great stuff. When do we start?
- Like, is there a manual or something? - Yes. Of course there is.
A vital component of the programme.
Now, er, this is the most important book you'll ever own.
Er, truly got me where I am today. This book is now your bible.
I want you to live it, breathe it, sleep with it under your pillow...
- I'm just saying it's a good book. - Oh. Wow. Thanks, Larry.
- You say your dad taught you a few things? - Yeah, um...
only steal from big shops, there's good eating on rabbit,
and underpants inside out buys you an extra week.
Essential life lessons. Anything about becoming a success?
- Making something of yourself? - Nah, not really.
It were more about whittling and not starving to death.
He were amazing though, me dad.
We were hardly ever out of each other's sight.
He protected me from the world. A bit too much, maybe.
I don't know, I just want to make him proud.
And I get dead frustrated when I can't,
and I get things wrong and that.
Tom. Open that door.
Did you see him go?
- Old Tom, failure Tom - he's left the building. - Oh, right. See ya!
No, no, Tom. Shun him. Shun him.
Shun him.
Now, let's get down to basics. Clothes maketh the man.
- How would you like this suit, Tom? - To keep?
You just give me your suit?
It's important, vitally important, to make a good first impression.
- And this little baby has done wonders for me. - Oh, cheers, Larry.
Giving me all this stuff.
- I feel like I should give you something in return. - Ha-ha. No.
Not necessary. Seriously.
Having said that, there is one thing you could help me with.
- Yeah, anything. - Well, obviously, I need to buy a new suit now.
And I've got a bit of a cash flow issue over the next few days.
So... I'm transferring money between banks. You know how it is.
But if you could maybe lend me, say... £150?
I've got some savings...
Actually, forget it. I'm embarrassed for even asking.
I'll think of something, don't worry.
I don't know what, exactly, but something will turn up.
I'll help you out, Larry.
- But it's just a loan though, yeah? For a few days? - Absolutely.
Absol-Larry-lutely.
- Yeah. - Tom? - Hello, Hal.
I've just come to congratulate you on your new position of manager.
Thank you, Tom. Is that Larry's suit?
You're not the only one who can wear a suit, Hally.
I got this printed off at the library.
- "Tom McNair Incorporated"? - Yep.
I think you're supposed to put something else on there
like a phone number or an e-mail.
I'll call you. Yeah, there's a new player in town.
And he's got the skills
and the looks and the motivation and the skills.
- He's got the whole package. - Quite.
Everything OK with your breakfast?
How's things, all right? Ange, Ange!
Yeah, he were really impressed.
I did the power handshake, gave him me card, erm, interrupted him.
I mean, that's three ingredients for success pie right there, innit?
- Success pie? - Yeah, the book. Chapter Four: Success Pie.
Ah, the book. Of course. Now, your next life lesson.
Take this and go and put the windscreen through that BMW
- over there. - Whose car is it?
Let's say it's your competitor, who has stolen your assets
and voted you off the board.
Yeah, but whose car is it really?
Mine.
Stolen by my bitch of an ex-wife.
Who is currently spending my money tanning herself in that spa
so she can look even more like the leather handbag, which I bought. Ha!
- The irony makes me want to puke. - Your ex-wife?
Miss Thingy '92 and '94?
One and the same. Although 1992 was a long time ago,
- as one look at her will plainly tell you. - I don't think I can do this.
I thought you wanted to learn how to climb the mountain of success?
I don't think smashing the windscreen is going to help me
- climb the mountain of success or eat success pie, is it? - Tom.
Sometimes you have to do regrettable things to get to the top.
And when you do, your old dad will be looking down and smiling.
Not if I do this he won't.
Maybe you're right. I'm pushing you too quickly.
Just go and let her tyres down, and we'll say no more about it.
Go on.
All of them.
It's simple, really.
I go off and have adventures and just make sure I'm back here
in time for all the "Prithee Lord Harry" bullshit.
But why? That's what I don't understand...
- And what about your unfinished business? - Oh, that's all sorted.
Something about library books. No, I've had loads of doors appear.
- I just turn them down. - What? Why?
Hal. He needs me.
I know he's got you and there's been Pearl and Annie, and those
are just the ones I can remember,
but me and Hal have something special.
- Something no-one else could ever understand. - Which is?
I keep him clean! Seeing me once a year stops him from killing.
And has kept him from killing for more than two centuries.
- What do you mean? - I was his last victim. - Is that what he told you?
Yes.
You know what? It's not my business.
But I... just really don't think that all these lies are that healthy.
Just tell him who you really are.
But what if he doesn't want the new me?
Oh.
Sometimes, when he looks at me, it's like...
.. it's just on the tip of his tongue.
Yeah, you two really need to have a talk.
No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready.
OK, listen. You've shown me your world. How about I show you mine?
- Y'know, come see my gaff? - OK.
SHRIEKING
Cheers.
- Larry. Might I have a quick word? - Shoot.
I was just wondering how Tom's lessons were progressing?
Yeah, very... We're at a delicate stage. We're breaking down barriers.
- To replace them with? - Bridges. Castles. Affordable housing.
Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you -
- did you ever meet Tom's father? - No, I never had that pleasure.
But I'm right in thinking they kept him away from people?
- And that Tom was home schooled? - That was my understanding.
Although I don't think McNair's lessons were exactly conventional.
You must take some of the credit, of course,
for helping Tom adjust to society.
Tom's been very resourceful in that area.
Sorry, are you saying you haven't taught him anything?
I mean, you're obviously a man of breeding and intelligence,
whereas Tom was almost literally raised by wolves.
That's something of a sweeping statement.
And yet you felt no compulsion to pass on any of your... No, fine.
Not really my place. Unbelievable.
I suppose the greatest test of a teacher's work is
whether the student thrives without them.
It'll be interesting to see Tom implement all the things
you've taught him...
.. once you've gone.
Once all of this is over.
It's a big house.
But not that big.
How odd you must find our little set up here?
How domesticated.
Perhaps we are a little rigid but that structure seems to work for us.
- And we'll do all we can to protect it. - I'll bear that in mind.
My situation is not unique and I appreciate that.
People lose their jobs every day.
And when that happens,
no doubt other aspects of their life expand to fill the void.
The problem with my life is, there's nothing else there to expand.
I don't have a family. I don't have any hobbies. The job was my life.
But now that's gone. So I find myself at something of a loose end.
'What was it that you did? Your job?'
Oh. Civil service. Very dull...
Well, that's what I always said. But it's something of a lie.
My job was covert and dangerous, and required me
to commit acts that will haunt me until the day I die.
All in the name of holding back the tide.
And if we simply step aside now,
and allow that tide to wash over the world,
then all my sacrifice has been for nothing.
All those deaths have been for nothing.
Do you understand?
'Would you like me to tell you what I'm wearing?'
Why not? Why not?
You don't have to keep the suit on all the time.
What happens if an exciting business opportunity arose
and I'd taken it off?
- Look a bit stupid then, wouldn't I? - Tom...
.. I need to talk to you about Larry.
I don't think he's quite the success he's led us to believe.
I wanted to know why we hadn't seen him on the television,
so I did a search, a Google, and it turns out
he was sacked, six months ago.
You really can't stand it, can you?
- Can't stand to see me winning. - Tom, this isn't winning.
I've been thinking. What if I made you assistant manager?
I don't want to be just your assistant. I want your job!
Something tells me now that Larry's given me
the skills that I need, you're worried I might just get it.
Larry is a charlatan and a failure.
He's not, he's a business guru and a motivated speaker.
He's been filling your head with utter nonsense. Tom, these...
attitudes he's encouraging - they're shallow,
- they're aggressive. - All right, OK, all right!
Maybe he's not a very nice guy. Maybe that's the truth.
But d'you know what? I don't care. Because nice guys finish last, Hal.
And I'm tired of finishing last.
Because when you're there, you get to the finishing line,
you find the pie's already gone.
Because some bugger like you has already ate it.
The success pie.
Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line...
on top of success mountain. I don't know really know how it works.
- You don't have to stoop to his level. - Well, maybe I do, Hal.
Because I'm sure of one thing -
McNair would've wanted more for me than this.
And I'm letting him down. Every day I'm letting him down.
And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.
Welcome to our humble abode.
It used to be a cheesy B&B but I swear you would never know.
Oh, don't sweat it, over the years I've seen some right sh...
shining examples of Edwardian architecture.
Oh, Tom's here. I thought you'd be at work.
I didn't know we were expecting company. You should have said.
Mary, this is Tom.
And Larry, Tom's werewolf friend/lifestyle coach.
Guilty as charged.
You must've died a long time ago, dressed like that.
I believe that questions as to a lady's age are considered
inappropriate even in this barbaric age.
I'm loving that whole Downton Abbey thing you've got going on there.
Pretty sexy. Say something else.
So might I take it you're Thomas's father?
- I'm not that bloody old! - I apologise for any offence caused.
- Lady Mary? - Lord Harry.
- You are no longer in your home, you are outside? - Indeed.
Mistress Alexandra persuaded me to take a quiet constitutional.
We were just about to have some dinner. Would you like to join us?
So. 250 years.
Man, that's a long time to stay on the straight and narrow.
- What's your secret, Hal? - Are my ears burning? - So ghosts really can't eat?
No. We can't. It's tragic. Anyway, Hal, 250 years without blood.
- That's quite an achievement. - So what else can't you do?
I'm right in saying you can't take your clothes off, aren't I?
- So does that also mean you can't, you know, have a bath? - No.
It's a real shame. Anyway, Hal, Mary, blood - discuss.
It is unfortunately very true.
Yet, even though I've been dead for over 200 years,
I am sure that I bathe more regularly
than some people I could think of.
I prefer showers! You're just sitting in your own muck in a bath.
Oh, forget the baths, it's the shagging I miss.
I think I need to go.
- So I see the FTSE's gone up. Crazy! - Real pity.
Real waste. Pretty girl like you...
.. that you'll never again know the love of a man.
Do you want to stay a man?
- Do you? Just nod. - Alex?
OK. Then you don't talk to me. You don't look at me.
You don't even think of me again.
Because if you do, I will cut your nut sack off in the night.
Oh, and mention one word of this to Hal...
I've just got to catch up on some work.
What have you done?
- You've broken Mary! - I told you!
- She only puts it on because she thinks you need it! - That's insane!
Why would I need her to do such a thing?!
Because somehow she has this crazy idea
that she was your last ever victim!
- You haven't told her, have you? - No, I haven't.
But how the hell could you let her think that for so long?
It's not exactly an easy topic to raise.
Hal, she is turning down doors
because she thinks it's keeping you clean. You have to tell her.
I can't. It would destroy her. She's far too fragile.
Hal, does she look fragile?!
Your mate's a nutter.
Yeah, well, yours is an arsehole. And a letch. And a bullshitter.
- He's got a Jacuzzi. - Oh, stuff his Jacuzzi. Seriously, Tom,
what are you even doing with that guy?
Learning how to be like him.
- Larry? You all right, mate? - Absolutely fine.
What's on your mind there, Tom-Tom?
- Bit weird down there with Mary, wasn't it? - Oh, that.
To be honest, I'd forgotten all about that.
It's all part of the game, Tom. All part of the game.
- Your hand's bleeding. - Anything else?
When are you going to be back on the telly?
I'd really like Hal to see you in action.
Well, if you must know,
I'm taking some leave to pursue other opportunities.
But I'll be back on again in a couple of weeks.
Straight after the six o'clock news.
Erm, I was thinking that...
maybe tomorrow we could go round to your house
and do some training, or go for a swim in the Jacuzzi or something.
Ah. Sorry, but the old pile now belongs to my charming ex-wife.
We can certainly go round there and put some windows through,
- if you're up for it? - No, thanks.
So you ain't got a house no more, no?
Come on, Tom. "House", "job", "wife". Shackles by any other name.
Who needs them really, huh?
Hal was right, wasn't he?
- It's all just made up. All just stories. - What?
I wouldn't go listening to Hal.
Look up "loser" in the dictionary, there's a picture of him.
Or a drawing. I don't quite know how it works, but...
You've been sleeping in your car, ain't ya?
I've done enough dossing to know the signs.
He's really got to you, hasn't he? I've gotta say, I'm disappointed.
Stop it now, Larry.
It ain't working no more, mate. Were you ever a success?
Was it all just lies?
If I ever lied to you it was only to protect you.
I did have it all, once upon a time.
Then the werewolf came and gobbled it all up.
How? How did it gobble it all up?
- What does that even mean? - You were turned as a baby, weren't you?
You've never known anything else.
You don't know how the wolf changes you.
You see, it's not just one night a month. It's every day, every hour.
- No, it's not. Most of the time we're normal. - How would you know?
You've never seen yourself without it. I know it changed me.
I've got instincts now which I never had before.
New drives. Aggression.
Lust. That's how it started - I cheated on my wife.
Piece by piece, the wolf took it all away.
The houses, the job, the money.
- Well, I ain't like that. I'm nothing like that. - What? No aggression?
How many vampires have you killed?
Or maybe the wolf is holding you back in other ways.
How would you know?
Maybe there's a smart, successful Tom inside that has all the answers.
Who, sadly, we'll never meet.
Yeah, but, you gave me that book. You said if I learnt it...
I've never even read that book.
I don't think any of us stands a chance against the wolf.
Because it always wins. For us, this is as good as it gets.
You shouldn't have come back.
- You and Hal need to talk about this. - He doesn't even know me any more.
So introduce yourself.
And I like action films - erm, John Woo, Jackie Chan...
.. and the music of Metallica.
I watch cage fighting.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
I shoplift...
quite a lot.
And I push people over sometimes if I don't like their shoes...
or their faces.
Suppose this must all be a bit of a head-fuck.
That's certainly... one way of putting it.
Well, actually, Mary,
Hal has a little secret that he wants to tell you.
Really?
What's that then, Hal?
Alex has been telling me that you have been turning down doors,
thinking that your presence here has been keeping me from killing.
I'm sorry to break this to you, Mary, but that simply isn't true.
You have been a loyal and close friend.
But you weren't my last victim.
You... are...
.. shitting me.
Many times, I tried to raise the courage to tell you...
You had CENTURIES of lying.
Centuries of bowing and fawning and babbling about the fucking weather.
Centuries of knowing how I felt about you.
- Centuries of letting me think you felt the same. - And I did!
Perhaps not in that way. But I'm totally clean now.
It must be over 50 years since I last killed a human for blood.
Oh, that's OK then(!)
Because that only makes me an idiot for, what, 200 years?
And you knew? Wow.
You covered for this tosser?
But now, you're... you're free.
- You're free to pass over. - Well, thank you.
Thank you very much(!)
You've really solved my life.
You utter wanker.
I'm not going to lie, that could have gone better.
250 years I've been visiting her!
Five minutes with you and she's threatening to castrate people
and accusing me of onanism.
Accusing you of what?
Masturbation.
This whole business really makes me doubt you.
Am I just the latest in a long line of dead girls who,
who you lean on and who trust you and who you lie to?
CLATTERING
Sorry, couldn't help overhearing.
I was just down there looking for something for... ten minutes.
- Why are you dressed like that? - I'm only saving the day!
Covering Tom's shift.
- I used to do bar work back in the old student days. - Where is Tom?
Yeah, a little bit awkward, that. Erm, I think he's left.
Left what? The job?
No. The house.
He said something about it not working out, trying to be human.
And then he packed a bag and left. Maybe it's for the best.
Like you said yourself, Hal, it was getting a little bit cramped.
Oh, yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
SMASH!
I will pay for that, obviously.
- Tom? Are you in there? - No.
- How did you know I was 'ere? - We know how much McNair meant to you, Tom.
- His grave seemed a good bet. - How are the funds going, Tom?
- For his gravestone? - I've changed me mind. I don't want a gravestone.
- I've spent the money. It's gone. - Tom, did Larry take all the money?
He were a surveyor. McNair. Did you know that? Before he got bit.
He never told me. I had to find it out. He was a success.
And then he turned into a werewolf.
And he ended up living in the woods in a van.
- And raising a son who was courageous and motivated and generous. - No.
Larry was right.
It's a waste of time wolves trying to better themselves and fit in.
This is where we always end up. In the woods, poaching rabbits.
This is as good as it gets for us.
Tom, you have one night a month to worry about.
- You're the closest to human of all of us. - Yeah, I used to think that too.
Then Larry put me straight. The wolf never sleeps.
- He's always there, inside me, making me dumb. - Tom!
That is utter nonsense.
And if that's what Larry's been telling you, then he is despicable.
No, it's good. All this time I thought I was the problem.
But it's not my fault, it's the wolf. So it's OK, innit?
- Let's say that's true. - Hal! What are you..? - No!
Let's say you have a monster inside you. All the time.
Pulling at your strings. Tormenting you. Itching to see you fail...
Well, join the club! Come on in!
Because if you do, if all of that is true,
then this is where you prove your worth.
By fighting it. By defying it. By proving it wrong.
By standing toe to toe with it every day and spitting in its face.
Did Larry tell you he lost his wife and his job because of the wolf?
Tom, whatever Larry's problems are,
you can be damn sure they're nothing to do with him being a werewolf
and everything to do with him being a failure.
You are nothing like him.
You are stronger in every way.
You are a good man. The best I've ever known.
Not a success though, am I?
Yes, you are. By all the measures that matter.
That's just a wishy-washy way of saying "failure", isn't it?
Look, I know both of you mean well. But this is for the best.
Really, it is. I know where I am in the woods. It's like coming home.
I don't have to dress up or learn stupid rules.
I can stop pretending I'm normal.
I don't have to try for anything more. This is enough for me.
It's enough.
- Out! - I'm sorry?
I'll spell it out: You. Gone. Now!
I'm guessing this is something to do with Tom, right?
Look, whatever he's chosen to believe has nothing to do with me.
We both know he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
- You've got five minutes to pack your case. - But this is my home, Hal.
Do you think if you say something enough times it makes it true?
"This is my home"? "It wasn't me, it was the wolf"?
- You know nothing of the wolf. - But I know people.
I know the lies they tell themselves to cover up their own failings.
There's only one person to blame for what's happened to you.
- And he's standing right in front of me. - Shut your mouth,
you arrogant little shit. You don't know me. You don't scare me either.
I should.
Because there is something within me that I've been holding back.
And it so wants to be free.
- And what you did to Tom has given it the perfect excuse. - Woooooo(!)
This is your chance, Larry, your only chance to be the wise man
who walks away and lives to see another day.
- You know how this ends? - What? - You. Here. In a tent.
You know how this ends? Mary.
She gave up the fight, she let it overwhelm her.
- Now she's all alone and mad as a badger. - I'm nothing like her. - Yeah.
Neither am I -yet. I bet she didn't plan on ending up like that, either.
You've got to stay part of something, y'know?
You've got to stay... anchored.
And it's OK for you because, well, you can be seen and do stuff.
Whereas the only thing I can be part of is the "Tom, Hal and Alex" gang.
- So I'd be coming home for you? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just going to put it out there.
I want you to come back because...
.. well, because Mary's scared the shit out of me.
And I'm scared that without you two that...
Well, that's going to be me
crouched over a bog watching other people shag.
Long story. And it's about you as well.
You're the best out of all of us, Tom. You just don't realise it.
- I've got a surprise for you. - Well, there's a... coincidence.
Hello, Alex.
Hal was just telling me how truly sorry he is for this whole business.
It was really quite moving.
Mary...
.. you don't want to do this.
Why do people always say that?
- This is exactly what I want to do, which is why I'm doing it. - Mary.
I am eternally grateful to you
for the years you've dedicated to my wellbeing.
Oh, my God, do you ever listen to yourself?
It's like the shipping forecast took a shit in your ear.
You were my rock. You helped me stay clean for so many years.
That is worth more to me than I can say!
Yeah, but it didn't last for ever, did it?
So then you drink again and then you're clean again,
and then you drink again.
On and on and on and on. How long until you kill again, Hal?
How many lives will I be saving when I kill you today?
Oh.
My little girl's all grown up.
But I've been doing this for a very long time.
It's all right, I've got it, I think!
You can just run off, you know.
- We've got this. - What?
I said, "We have got this. "
He's our responsibility now.
We'll make sure he doesn't kill again. Won't we, Tom?
Absolutely. Can we just wrap this up now, please?
Oh, no. He needs to suffer.
Every day he fights with the monster he might become.
You think that isn't suffering?
You've had centuries of making him your problem. I know it hurts.
And I know that your heart is breaking. But it's time to let go.
He's our problem now.
It's OK. I'm fine. Don't worry about me!
Don't worry.
So. What now?
- I guess you don't have to keep coming back here any more. - No.
I think it's high time for a new country.
And maybe a whole new personality.
Yeah, I could be a ditsy tourist.
Or a crazy eco-warrior.
Go scare the shit out of some loggers in the Amazon.
He's not a bad man. Not any more.
Where have I heard that before? Oh, yes.
It was me for 250 years.
Right. Why don't we just try and leave this on a civil note, hmm?
How's that sound?
Goodbye, Lady Mary. It's certainly been an experience.
I hope you know what you're taking on.
Cos the man that killed me isn't gone. He's just sleeping.
And he's a very good liar.
How long until you're the one holding the stake?
So he just upped and left?
- I'll be honest, Tom. I didn't leave him a lot of choice. - Good riddance.
He was a bit of a wrong un, wasn't he? I've been a bit of an idiot.
- Sorry, Hal. - You've nothing to apologise for. - No, I have.
I let him get to me. The wolf ain't holding me back.
Nothing's holding me back. I've just got to try harder, that's all.
- I can be anything I want to be. We all can. - That's quite an insight.
- Maybe I should spend some time in the woods. - No, you don't want to do that.
It's crap, damp and itchy. That's why I came home, really.
- I needed a shower. - Of course it is. - Hal, while I've got you, mate.
- That job opportunity. Is it still open? - Assistant manager?
- That's the bunny. - It's yours if you want it, Tom.
Well, I'll have my people call your people and set something up.
- You do that. - Mary didn't know you like we know you, Hal.
You're a good bloke.
Thank you.
'This is your chance, Larry, your only chance to be the wise man... '
who walks away and lives to see another day.
- So. We're more alike than I thought. - We are nothing alike.
When you look at me you see the monster you hide.
You believe whatever you want. Just go.
I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I?
A little too unpredictable, a little too... complete.
It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life(!)
Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant?
Instead I've got no struggle, no tug of war. Just one voice. One life.
One me. Seeing that's got to hurt.
- I strongly suggest you take a step backwards. - You know what?
I think you're just one big PR exercise. You think I'm a fraud?
Well, I guess you'd know the signs. "I'll huff and I'll puff!" Wooo(!)
Come on, let's see this Big Bad Hal that's got everyone so scared.
- You don't know what you're doing. - Maybe I do. Maybe I want this.
Maybe I want to see the monster. Come on. Let him out. Let's play.
If he's even real! You've got the others fooled.
It's not exactly hard, is it? A slag and a retard.
You want to talk to the real me?
Hello, Larry. Here I am. Did you want to speak to me?
Hello? Hello!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hello?
I believe I have some work for you.
I'll be right over.
MARY: 'How long until you kill again, Hal?'
Bobby. Excellent.
Mr Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator.
There is no Ian. There is only Crumb.
CACKLING
Let's do this.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd