1
00:00:00,541 --> 00:00:02,242
Well, the honeymoon
was amazing.
2
00:00:02,593 --> 00:00:03,542
We saw the bus stop
3
00:00:03,543 --> 00:00:06,477
where a young Barack Obama used
to sit and wait for the bus.
4
00:00:06,478 --> 00:00:08,045
-Theoretically.
- It's possible.
5
00:00:08,046 --> 00:00:11,379
Then we went and visited
Honolulu City Hall.
6
00:00:11,415 --> 00:00:12,982
- Shut up.
- You know.
7
00:00:12,983 --> 00:00:15,117
- Oh, my God, what was it like?
- It was amazing.
8
00:00:15,118 --> 00:00:16,252
Well, it looked amazing,
but it was closed.
9
00:00:16,253 --> 00:00:17,687
Oh, my God, bummer.
10
00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:18,788
Okay, I have presents!
11
00:00:18,789 --> 00:00:22,091
Um... Chris, we got you
an Acai tree
12
00:00:22,092 --> 00:00:24,694
because the Acai berry
is a superfood.
13
00:00:24,695 --> 00:00:26,562
And a super gift.
14
00:00:26,563 --> 00:00:27,663
Donna,
we got you some coffee,
15
00:00:27,664 --> 00:00:28,830
because you said,
and I quote,
16
00:00:28,831 --> 00:00:30,465
"I like my coffee
like I like my men.
17
00:00:30,466 --> 00:00:31,567
Dark, rich, and full-bodied."
18
00:00:31,568 --> 00:00:33,535
Yes, indeed.
19
00:00:33,536 --> 00:00:36,438
Ann, we got you some very rare
Hawaiian fertility tea,
20
00:00:36,439 --> 00:00:37,706
guaranteed to help you
have a baby.
21
00:00:37,707 --> 00:00:39,374
That's so nice.
Where'd you find that?
22
00:00:39,375 --> 00:00:41,275
Well, the busboy
at our restaurant
23
00:00:41,276 --> 00:00:42,476
told us about a guy
24
00:00:42,477 --> 00:00:43,777
who we met in a parking lot,
25
00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:45,913
and then he had a backpack
full of this stuff,
26
00:00:45,914 --> 00:00:47,915
and I'm just realizing now
that it's not tea.
27
00:00:47,916 --> 00:00:49,116
And I'm gonna throw it away.
28
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:52,450
Ron, this is
the Hawaiian god of anger.
29
00:00:53,088 --> 00:00:55,389
It reminded us of you
when you're at work.
30
00:00:55,390 --> 00:00:56,724
A handsome gentleman.
31
00:00:56,725 --> 00:00:58,291
- We did not forget Jerry.
- Right, right.
32
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:01,328
We got Jerry some earbuds,
33
00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:03,563
and a bag of peanuts,
34
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,665
and the Skymall catalog.
35
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,501
Same thing you got me
from your trip to Washington!
36
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,104
Tom, we got you
an autographed portrait
37
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,339
of your personal hero.
38
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,805
No way!
39
00:01:13,806 --> 00:01:15,507
Scott Caan
from Hawaii five-0!
40
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:17,610
April, as requested,
41
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,311
we threw that box you gave us
into that volcano.
42
00:01:20,112 --> 00:01:21,580
Thank you.
43
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:22,748
Andy, as you requested,
44
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,916
got you a three-pack
of white T-shirts
45
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:26,084
from Target.
46
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:28,954
Thank you.
All mine are dirty.
47
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:30,255
Thank you, Hawaii.
48
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:38,592
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:01:51,942 --> 00:01:52,976
Thank you so much.
50
00:01:52,977 --> 00:01:54,144
It's great to be here
51
00:01:54,145 --> 00:01:55,712
at the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.
52
00:01:55,713 --> 00:01:57,814
There's so many wonderful,
talented journalists here.
53
00:01:57,815 --> 00:02:01,148
Also here are some reporters
from the Pawnee Sun.
54
00:02:01,551 --> 00:02:03,653
Oh, hey, hey.
55
00:02:03,654 --> 00:02:05,154
I love the Pawnee Sun.
56
00:02:05,155 --> 00:02:07,523
Some people say
that it's a useless tabloid.
57
00:02:07,524 --> 00:02:08,991
But I don't think it's useless.
58
00:02:08,992 --> 00:02:11,294
I think it's great
for housebreaking puppies.
59
00:02:12,696 --> 00:02:15,564
I am prepping for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.
60
00:02:15,565 --> 00:02:16,932
It's an annual affair
61
00:02:16,933 --> 00:02:18,900
where the media and
the government roast each other.
62
00:02:18,901 --> 00:02:20,435
My number one target--
63
00:02:20,436 --> 00:02:22,170
the Pawnee Sun.
64
00:02:22,171 --> 00:02:25,504
364 days a year,
they rake me over the coals.
65
00:02:25,708 --> 00:02:28,042
Today, I take
those burning coals,
66
00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:30,077
I shove them
back down their throats,
67
00:02:30,078 --> 00:02:33,411
and I watch their melting flesh
drip off their worthless faces!
68
00:02:35,082 --> 00:02:37,083
It's all in good fun.
69
00:02:37,084 --> 00:02:38,752
Okay, I need
more jokes, people.
70
00:02:38,753 --> 00:02:40,387
Ben is having
his first day at work,
71
00:02:40,388 --> 00:02:41,588
so he cannot help me.
72
00:02:41,589 --> 00:02:42,989
So I need you guys
to pick up the slack.
73
00:02:42,990 --> 00:02:44,525
- I have a joke for you.
- Okay.
74
00:02:44,526 --> 00:02:47,761
The government in this town
is excellent
75
00:02:47,762 --> 00:02:50,596
and uses
your tax dollars efficiently.
76
00:02:52,666 --> 00:02:54,867
- That's not really a joke, Ron.
- I disagree.
77
00:02:54,868 --> 00:02:56,936
I find it hilarious.
78
00:02:58,572 --> 00:03:00,306
- Ann Perkins!
- Hey, Chris!
79
00:03:00,307 --> 00:03:01,341
Got to run
to a meeting.
80
00:03:01,342 --> 00:03:02,575
With Ron.
81
00:03:02,576 --> 00:03:05,909
Great idea! I'll run
to my next meeting.
82
00:03:08,948 --> 00:03:10,749
Sorry, the door was open.
83
00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:13,251
I wish this office
had only walls.
84
00:03:13,252 --> 00:03:14,853
Chris broke up
with his girlfriend a week ago,
85
00:03:14,854 --> 00:03:17,021
and I have decided
to ask him
86
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:19,391
to be the father
of my baby.
87
00:03:19,392 --> 00:03:21,525
Except I cannot work up
the nerve to do it.
88
00:03:21,526 --> 00:03:23,894
Turns out
they don't make greeting cards
89
00:03:23,895 --> 00:03:25,162
for asking your ex-boyfriend
90
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:28,131
if he will
artificially inseminate you.
91
00:03:28,132 --> 00:03:31,134
Actually, Ron, I-I could
use your advice
92
00:03:31,135 --> 00:03:33,237
on how to be blunt
and honest.
93
00:03:33,988 --> 00:03:36,571
I want my friend
to do something for me,
94
00:03:36,941 --> 00:03:38,875
and I don't know how
to ask him.
95
00:03:38,876 --> 00:03:41,277
What do you want him to do?
96
00:03:41,278 --> 00:03:43,646
Plant ficuses.
97
00:03:43,647 --> 00:03:45,415
In my front yard.
98
00:03:45,416 --> 00:03:47,784
Grossest metaphor ever.
99
00:03:47,785 --> 00:03:48,785
I've seen your house.
100
00:03:48,786 --> 00:03:49,986
You'd have more success
101
00:03:49,987 --> 00:03:52,889
if he planted ficuses
in your backyard.
102
00:03:52,890 --> 00:03:54,656
No, I don't think so.
103
00:03:54,657 --> 00:03:57,990
Anyway, what if he thinks
I'm asking too much of him,
104
00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:00,262
and I ask him
to plant the ficuses,
105
00:04:00,263 --> 00:04:01,930
and he doesn't want to,
and he gets weird about it,
106
00:04:01,931 --> 00:04:03,098
and it ruins our friendship?
107
00:04:03,099 --> 00:04:05,401
Then plant
the damn ficuses yourself.
108
00:04:05,402 --> 00:04:08,670
I wish that were possible.
109
00:04:08,671 --> 00:04:12,004
We are so excited
to have you working with us
110
00:04:12,674 --> 00:04:15,376
here at the all-new
Sweetums Foundation.
111
00:04:15,377 --> 00:04:18,546
This is your office.
112
00:04:18,547 --> 00:04:20,648
This is incredible.
113
00:04:20,649 --> 00:04:22,983
And look at that art.
114
00:04:22,984 --> 00:04:25,652
Ah, yes.
My late husband.
115
00:04:25,653 --> 00:04:27,754
He was so decrepit.
116
00:04:29,156 --> 00:04:30,356
I really like helping people.
117
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,325
Running the new
Sweetums Foundation charity
118
00:04:32,326 --> 00:04:34,193
allows me to do that
119
00:04:34,194 --> 00:04:37,527
and work in an office
with more mahogany wood
120
00:04:37,965 --> 00:04:41,298
than currently remains
in the Amazon rain forest.
121
00:04:41,335 --> 00:04:44,002
So, win-win.
122
00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:45,704
Except for the rain forest.
123
00:04:45,705 --> 00:04:49,038
I need you to select
your first charity by tomorrow.
124
00:04:49,743 --> 00:04:51,744
Sweetums' public image
is currently
125
00:04:51,745 --> 00:04:53,312
at an all-time low.
126
00:04:53,313 --> 00:04:54,513
Yeah, there's even
a rumor going around
127
00:04:54,514 --> 00:04:56,682
that the chocolate
is made of rat parts.
128
00:04:56,683 --> 00:04:57,816
Well...
129
00:04:57,817 --> 00:04:58,917
You know what they say
about rumors.
130
00:04:58,918 --> 00:05:01,018
- Yeah.
- They're mostly true.
131
00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:02,887
Including the rat thing?
132
00:05:02,888 --> 00:05:04,055
Yeah.
What are you gonna do?
133
00:05:04,056 --> 00:05:05,824
It's where
all the flavor comes from.
134
00:05:05,825 --> 00:05:09,158
Oh, would you look at that.
There is a smudge on my tail.
135
00:05:09,662 --> 00:05:11,262
Oh!
136
00:05:13,131 --> 00:05:15,799
All better.
137
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,334
Ladies and gentlemen,
138
00:05:17,335 --> 00:05:19,235
welcome to the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch,
139
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:20,804
where politicians
and the media
140
00:05:20,805 --> 00:05:22,272
make fun of each other.
141
00:05:22,273 --> 00:05:23,540
But, if you ask me,
142
00:05:23,541 --> 00:05:25,208
we should be making fun
of the food.
143
00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,243
"I am not the cook."
144
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:29,979
Oh, well, well, well.
145
00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:32,414
If it isn't Kim Terlando
from the Pawnee Sun.
146
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,383
Do you happen
to have a can opener?
147
00:05:34,384 --> 00:05:36,819
'Cause I'm about
to open this on you.
148
00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:38,988
Did you make that can
of "whoop ass"
149
00:05:38,989 --> 00:05:40,389
for this exact moment?
150
00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:41,891
Yeah, I came prepared.
151
00:05:41,892 --> 00:05:43,425
I'd expect nothing less.
152
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,594
Good luck with your speech.
153
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:45,660
Uh, my speech doesn't need
your luck.
154
00:05:45,661 --> 00:05:47,395
It needs
a Surgeon General's warning
155
00:05:47,396 --> 00:05:49,097
because it's so harmful
to your health.
156
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:50,899
Oh, look, it has one.
157
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,801
That's how ready I am.
158
00:05:52,802 --> 00:05:54,267
I'm glad you're so confident.
159
00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:55,268
Nice to see you.
160
00:05:55,269 --> 00:05:57,638
It was nice to see you too.
161
00:05:59,073 --> 00:06:01,341
Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
162
00:06:01,342 --> 00:06:02,943
Absolutely.
I cannot wait.
163
00:06:02,944 --> 00:06:04,177
One second.
Excuse me, sir.
164
00:06:04,178 --> 00:06:06,313
I think I accidentally
got the meat option.
165
00:06:06,314 --> 00:06:07,915
Yeah, and I got
the veggie option.
166
00:06:07,916 --> 00:06:10,349
Shauna Malwae-Tweep,
167
00:06:10,350 --> 00:06:11,651
my ex-girlfriend.
168
00:06:11,652 --> 00:06:13,753
It seems like you and I
have a classic mix 'em up.
169
00:06:13,754 --> 00:06:15,454
Yeah, fancy meeting you here.
170
00:06:15,455 --> 00:06:17,223
This isn't awkward
for you, is it?
171
00:06:17,224 --> 00:06:18,290
Chris, it's okay.
172
00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:19,826
You wanna switch?
I'm starving.
173
00:06:19,827 --> 00:06:21,260
Definitely.
174
00:06:23,998 --> 00:06:26,632
Whoa! Check out
the new digs.
175
00:06:26,633 --> 00:06:27,766
This place is insane.
176
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,001
Thanks for coming, guys.
177
00:06:29,002 --> 00:06:31,202
I'm super swamped,
and I need your help.
178
00:06:31,203 --> 00:06:32,437
Pass.
179
00:06:32,438 --> 00:06:34,706
You came down here
to pass on helping me?
180
00:06:34,707 --> 00:06:36,408
Yeah, I wanted to see
what your face looked like
181
00:06:36,409 --> 00:06:37,475
when I said no.
182
00:06:37,476 --> 00:06:39,545
It was totally worth it.
183
00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,546
Andy, are you okay?
184
00:06:41,547 --> 00:06:42,813
Oh, I'm fine.
185
00:06:42,814 --> 00:06:44,281
It's just
that life is pointless
186
00:06:44,282 --> 00:06:45,983
and nothing matters
and I'm always tired.
187
00:06:45,984 --> 00:06:48,385
Also, I can't sleep,
I'm overeating,
188
00:06:48,386 --> 00:06:50,855
none of my old hobbies
interest me.
189
00:06:50,856 --> 00:06:53,223
Ever since Andy failed
the police academy exam,
190
00:06:53,224 --> 00:06:55,526
his self-esteem
has hit rock bottom.
191
00:06:55,527 --> 00:06:58,361
He's always sad and sweaty.
192
00:06:58,362 --> 00:07:00,697
He's usually happy and sweaty.
193
00:07:00,698 --> 00:07:03,499
I have to pick
our first charity by tomorrow,
194
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,134
and there's
a million applications.
195
00:07:05,135 --> 00:07:07,303
Can you guys
help me sort 'em out?
196
00:07:07,304 --> 00:07:09,205
You know what?
This sounds like fun.
197
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:10,974
Babe, come on.
198
00:07:10,975 --> 00:07:13,543
Let's help him.
It'll be fun.
199
00:07:13,544 --> 00:07:15,310
Well, it sounds
like you guys got it covered.
200
00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:16,545
I'm gonna head out.
201
00:07:16,546 --> 00:07:17,813
Actually have my own charity
to attend to.
202
00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:19,682
Tommy's tummy foundation.
203
00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:21,216
Well, they bring me
fancy lunches here.
204
00:07:21,217 --> 00:07:22,551
If you stay,
you can have some.
205
00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:25,654
What? Crab, caviar?
206
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:27,556
On behalf
of Tommy's tummy foundation,
207
00:07:27,557 --> 00:07:30,658
I'm happy to accept
this generous donation.
208
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,160
Please welcome Kim Terlando.
209
00:07:37,232 --> 00:07:38,265
Thank you, Martin.
210
00:07:38,266 --> 00:07:40,068
It's nice to be here
211
00:07:40,069 --> 00:07:42,804
among all
of these excellent journalists.
212
00:07:42,805 --> 00:07:44,906
And also the people
that work with me
213
00:07:44,907 --> 00:07:46,740
over at the Pawnee Sun.
214
00:07:47,775 --> 00:07:49,009
Damn it.
215
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,543
That was my opener.
216
00:07:50,544 --> 00:07:52,980
Now I love working
at the Sun, okay?
217
00:07:52,981 --> 00:07:55,716
And I know you all think
it's just a useless tabloid,
218
00:07:55,717 --> 00:07:56,850
but it's not.
219
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,184
It is great.
220
00:07:58,185 --> 00:08:00,053
For housebreaking puppies.
221
00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:02,855
Those are my jokes.
222
00:08:02,856 --> 00:08:04,556
She's stealing my jokes.
223
00:08:04,557 --> 00:08:06,125
Some people say
224
00:08:06,126 --> 00:08:08,628
that the Sun has a problem
with the truth.
225
00:08:08,629 --> 00:08:11,296
There's no problem,
we just ignore it.
226
00:08:16,536 --> 00:08:18,302
Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes!
227
00:08:18,303 --> 00:08:19,971
Totally dead.
228
00:08:19,972 --> 00:08:21,305
What am I gonna do?
229
00:08:21,306 --> 00:08:23,608
Oh! I just opened up
a can of "whoop ass" on myself!
230
00:08:24,791 --> 00:08:28,058
I remember the very first
Correspondents' Lunch.
231
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:30,458
I rode here in a horse and buggy.
232
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,896
No, no, no,
that wasn't a joke.
233
00:08:34,897 --> 00:08:37,565
I actually did.
234
00:08:37,566 --> 00:08:38,767
That also was not a joke.
235
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,503
Ron, Kim told
all my jokes, all of them.
236
00:08:41,504 --> 00:08:43,838
She must have gotten
a copy of my speech.
237
00:08:43,839 --> 00:08:44,939
Did anybody lose their copy?
238
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:46,140
- Nope.
- Right here.
239
00:08:46,141 --> 00:08:49,142
Mine is right here.
240
00:08:49,143 --> 00:08:50,644
Oh, jeez.
241
00:08:50,645 --> 00:08:53,213
Go stand in the corner and
think about what you've done.
242
00:08:53,214 --> 00:08:55,215
And no dessert!
243
00:08:55,216 --> 00:08:56,650
I need new material,
and it needs to be great,
244
00:08:56,651 --> 00:08:58,485
and it needs
to knock people on their butts,
245
00:08:58,486 --> 00:09:01,121
and it needs to transcend
the genre of roast comedy.
246
00:09:01,122 --> 00:09:03,122
- Perkins, go.
- Oh, wow.
247
00:09:03,123 --> 00:09:04,690
Um, okay,
248
00:09:04,691 --> 00:09:07,226
so Councilman Milton
is old, right?
249
00:09:07,227 --> 00:09:08,895
And he's wearing a green tie.
250
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:10,162
So, like, maybe
there's something there,
251
00:09:10,163 --> 00:09:11,731
where, like,
he went to school
252
00:09:11,732 --> 00:09:13,566
with his high-school buddies
that were dinosaurs.
253
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:15,034
And his tie is green.
254
00:09:15,035 --> 00:09:17,837
They're green.
255
00:09:17,838 --> 00:09:19,805
Oh, Ann, you're too
beautiful to be funny.
256
00:09:19,806 --> 00:09:21,272
It's not your fault.
257
00:09:21,273 --> 00:09:22,707
You've never had
to compensate for anything.
258
00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:25,844
The rest of you ugly nerds
need to give me some jokes stat.
259
00:09:25,845 --> 00:09:27,512
Ben?
260
00:09:27,513 --> 00:09:29,481
Ben?
261
00:09:29,482 --> 00:09:30,649
Yeah, Andy.
262
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:31,783
I think
I might have found something
263
00:09:31,784 --> 00:09:33,117
that's actually pretty cool.
264
00:09:33,118 --> 00:09:35,185
Okay, well, just put it aside,
and I'll read it later.
265
00:09:35,186 --> 00:09:36,554
No. Andy found it,
266
00:09:36,555 --> 00:09:39,222
and he's gonna tell you
about it right now. Go, babe.
267
00:09:39,223 --> 00:09:42,556
Uh, it's
the Redwood Music Program.
268
00:09:42,794 --> 00:09:46,127
It's an after-school music class
for at-risk kids.
269
00:09:46,431 --> 00:09:47,898
- It'll keep them off the street.
- Whoa.
270
00:09:47,899 --> 00:09:50,934
And the streets,
as you know, are dangerous.
271
00:09:50,935 --> 00:09:53,369
Example--I fell
in a sewer grate once.
272
00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:54,370
I was there all day.
273
00:09:54,371 --> 00:09:55,839
In conclusion,
274
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,775
we cannot let our children
live in the sewer any longer.
275
00:09:58,776 --> 00:10:02,109
Redwood Music Program--
go, your honor, amen.
276
00:10:02,780 --> 00:10:03,947
That's a great idea.
277
00:10:03,948 --> 00:10:05,849
Anyone else come across
anything good?
278
00:10:05,850 --> 00:10:08,684
Tom?
279
00:10:08,685 --> 00:10:10,185
Um, yeah.
280
00:10:10,186 --> 00:10:11,854
I got a good one.
281
00:10:11,855 --> 00:10:15,188
It's called
the Clean Sheet Foundation.
282
00:10:15,925 --> 00:10:17,425
That's my pick.
283
00:10:17,426 --> 00:10:20,759
They provide legal assistance
to the KKK.
284
00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:22,364
This is your pick?
285
00:10:22,365 --> 00:10:24,632
Yeah. Can you pass
the bonbons?
286
00:10:24,633 --> 00:10:27,702
Perd Hapley is here today.
287
00:10:27,703 --> 00:10:28,870
Or, as Perd would say,
288
00:10:28,871 --> 00:10:30,571
"My name is Perd Hapley,
289
00:10:30,572 --> 00:10:33,905
and the person
I see here today... is me."
290
00:10:35,711 --> 00:10:38,112
Everyone seems
to be laughing now.
291
00:10:38,113 --> 00:10:40,981
Do you see what is happening
with Chris and Shauna?
292
00:10:40,982 --> 00:10:43,550
They are flirting like crazy.
293
00:10:43,551 --> 00:10:45,284
It's disgusting.
They're in public.
294
00:10:45,285 --> 00:10:46,953
That's called a conversation.
295
00:10:46,954 --> 00:10:50,123
Ron, there are
no ficuses, okay?
296
00:10:50,124 --> 00:10:53,126
I wanted to ask Chris
to be the father of my baby.
297
00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:54,327
Good God.
298
00:10:54,328 --> 00:10:55,728
And the metaphor you chose
299
00:10:55,729 --> 00:10:58,130
was planting ficuses
in your front yard?
300
00:10:58,131 --> 00:10:59,965
I was gonna wait till
he was single to ask him,
301
00:10:59,966 --> 00:11:01,299
but now he's flirting
with Shauna again.
302
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:03,235
What do I do?
303
00:11:04,437 --> 00:11:06,805
- It's been nice talking to you.
- What?
304
00:11:08,642 --> 00:11:10,142
Maybe I should
just do impressions.
305
00:11:10,143 --> 00:11:12,143
"I'm-a Borat."
There's one.
306
00:11:12,144 --> 00:11:14,311
But I need to do someone
that no one has heard before.
307
00:11:14,312 --> 00:11:16,080
Like, I don't know,
Neve Campbell?
308
00:11:16,081 --> 00:11:17,148
What does
Neve Campbell sound like?
309
00:11:17,149 --> 00:11:19,483
I don't know.
310
00:11:19,484 --> 00:11:21,786
Someone, tell me
what Neve Campbell sounds like.
311
00:11:21,787 --> 00:11:23,421
Just keep it short
and get the hell out of there.
312
00:11:24,523 --> 00:11:25,890
Thank you.
313
00:11:25,891 --> 00:11:28,158
Our next guest has asked me
to read this.
314
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:30,493
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I forgot I did this.
315
00:11:30,494 --> 00:11:31,762
Joan, no--
316
00:11:31,763 --> 00:11:33,163
"Strap on
your adult diapers, everyone.
317
00:11:33,164 --> 00:11:36,497
"Because you're about
to wet yourself from laughter.
318
00:11:36,935 --> 00:11:38,234
Give it up for Leslie Knope."
319
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,808
"Whassup," Pawnee?
320
00:11:47,177 --> 00:11:48,911
Um...
321
00:11:48,912 --> 00:11:49,946
Borat.
322
00:11:52,549 --> 00:11:53,950
Well, that's my time.
323
00:11:53,951 --> 00:11:55,051
They're giving me the light.
324
00:11:55,052 --> 00:11:58,385
So, uh, I did great.
325
00:11:58,388 --> 00:11:59,554
Thank you, Leslie Knope.
326
00:11:59,555 --> 00:12:00,655
You know what they say.
327
00:12:00,656 --> 00:12:01,957
Drama is hard,
328
00:12:01,958 --> 00:12:04,559
and sometimes comedy
is not in our wheelhouse.
329
00:12:06,361 --> 00:12:08,697
Tom, do you have
to run that right now?
330
00:12:08,698 --> 00:12:09,998
Oh, no, Ben!
331
00:12:09,999 --> 00:12:13,332
These smoothies will
just blend themselves!
332
00:12:15,503 --> 00:12:16,604
Okay.
333
00:12:19,708 --> 00:12:22,142
Think I have our winner.
334
00:12:22,143 --> 00:12:23,677
It's called
Rural Ambu-care.
335
00:12:23,678 --> 00:12:25,479
They want to buy an ambulance
336
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,447
for people who live far away
from the hospital.
337
00:12:27,448 --> 00:12:28,782
Ambulances are dumb.
338
00:12:28,783 --> 00:12:30,317
When has an ambulance
ever helped anyone?
339
00:12:30,318 --> 00:12:31,884
What about Andy's music thing?
340
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,019
Well, this is a great service
341
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,520
that will help a lot
of needy people.
342
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,521
Sorry, Andy.
343
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,657
Why? No, it's totally fine.
344
00:12:37,658 --> 00:12:39,558
I'm happy for them.
That's awesome.
345
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,660
You know what I'm gonna do?
346
00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:43,062
I'm gonna head out
to, uh, the car.
347
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,163
It's a little hot in here,
a little sweaty.
348
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,898
Well,
I'm terribly disappointed.
349
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:49,232
But I'm sure
the doctors or giraffes
350
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,402
or whatever you decided
to help
351
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,638
will be thrilled
352
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:55,573
with the whatever you decided
to whatever.
353
00:12:55,574 --> 00:12:56,608
I'm outtie.
354
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,877
Great job, team.
355
00:12:58,878 --> 00:13:00,012
What?
356
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,813
Ever since Andy failed
the police exam,
357
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,080
he's been really depressed.
358
00:13:03,081 --> 00:13:04,448
Picking out a dumb charity
359
00:13:04,449 --> 00:13:06,250
is the most excited
he's been in weeks.
360
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:07,551
You're so selfish.
361
00:13:07,552 --> 00:13:09,720
Selfish?
I'm running a charity.
362
00:13:09,721 --> 00:13:12,056
Oh, it's all about
what you're doing, isn't it?
363
00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:14,925
Classic Ben!
364
00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:17,061
Sorry, forgot the oysters.
365
00:13:17,062 --> 00:13:18,330
Great work today.
366
00:13:20,531 --> 00:13:21,197
Christopher.
367
00:13:21,198 --> 00:13:23,533
"Chris-toe-fur."
368
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:24,567
It's like you have furry toes.
369
00:13:24,568 --> 00:13:26,202
Hilarious.
370
00:13:26,203 --> 00:13:28,304
I have a question... for you.
371
00:13:28,305 --> 00:13:30,406
It's something very important.
372
00:13:30,407 --> 00:13:33,043
Which is...
373
00:13:33,044 --> 00:13:36,377
What is your... Spirit animal?
374
00:13:36,379 --> 00:13:38,547
Jaguar. Why do you ask?
375
00:13:38,548 --> 00:13:39,581
Doin' a survey.
376
00:13:39,582 --> 00:13:41,050
Well, survey completed.
377
00:13:41,051 --> 00:13:42,617
So take 'er easy.
378
00:13:42,618 --> 00:13:43,686
Uh, you didn't ask me.
379
00:13:43,687 --> 00:13:44,853
But if you had,
380
00:13:44,854 --> 00:13:46,789
the answer
I would have given is... Doggie.
381
00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:49,391
Chris, Ann wants
to ask you something right now.
382
00:13:49,392 --> 00:13:50,758
Go, Ann.
383
00:13:50,759 --> 00:13:52,359
- In front of Perd?
- Yes.
384
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,296
No more delays. Go.
385
00:13:55,297 --> 00:13:56,297
I want to have a baby.
386
00:13:56,298 --> 00:13:59,631
Will you be the sperm donor?
387
00:14:01,036 --> 00:14:03,337
The story
of this situation is
388
00:14:03,338 --> 00:14:05,573
it's extremely personal.
389
00:14:05,574 --> 00:14:08,907
Think it over. Bye.
390
00:14:09,476 --> 00:14:11,745
Leslie, permission
to leave the corner.
391
00:14:11,746 --> 00:14:13,113
Denied.
392
00:14:13,114 --> 00:14:14,681
But, look, I did not
lose your speech after all.
393
00:14:14,682 --> 00:14:16,316
I forgot.
394
00:14:16,317 --> 00:14:18,518
I put it in my shoe
for safekeeping.
395
00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:21,187
It's a little moist,
but it is still here.
396
00:14:21,188 --> 00:14:23,223
Well, then how did Kim
get the speech?
397
00:14:23,224 --> 00:14:24,924
Wait a minute.
398
00:14:24,925 --> 00:14:27,293
The Pawnee Sun has been
one step ahead of me for months.
399
00:14:27,294 --> 00:14:28,394
They knew that Kernston's
400
00:14:28,395 --> 00:14:30,329
withdrew its sponsorship
of the Commons
401
00:14:30,330 --> 00:14:31,697
before I even announced it.
402
00:14:31,698 --> 00:14:33,131
They asked me
403
00:14:33,132 --> 00:14:34,566
about the sewage eruption
in Ramsett Park
404
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,368
right after Ron emailed me
about it.
405
00:14:36,369 --> 00:14:38,370
And Kim asked me
if I liked
406
00:14:38,371 --> 00:14:40,038
the first season
Army Wives
407
00:14:40,039 --> 00:14:43,208
just moments
after Netflix did.
408
00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:45,143
The Pawnee Sun
hacked my email.
409
00:14:45,144 --> 00:14:47,111
I've been hacked!
410
00:14:47,112 --> 00:14:49,980
Okay, smashing your phone
won't stop hacking.
411
00:14:49,981 --> 00:14:51,181
That's also my phone.
412
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,284
Jerry, quiet!
This is serious.
413
00:14:54,583 --> 00:14:56,716
Well, the police said they're
gonna launch an investigation
414
00:14:56,717 --> 00:14:58,185
to see whether or not
I was hacked.
415
00:14:58,186 --> 00:15:00,153
But it's very complicated,
and it could take up to a month.
416
00:15:00,154 --> 00:15:02,271
There is nothing
more disgusting
417
00:15:02,272 --> 00:15:03,372
than an invasion of privacy.
418
00:15:03,373 --> 00:15:04,540
And I should know.
419
00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:06,842
I've had many women steal
my undershirts.
420
00:15:06,843 --> 00:15:08,543
I have a press conference
about the Pawnee Commons
421
00:15:08,544 --> 00:15:09,744
in two hours.
422
00:15:09,745 --> 00:15:11,178
So I need
to go through every email
423
00:15:11,179 --> 00:15:12,480
that I've ever sent, ever.
424
00:15:12,481 --> 00:15:14,849
I need to know what
they might use against me.
425
00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:16,250
You can't hack
into a typewriter.
426
00:15:16,251 --> 00:15:17,452
That's all I have to say.
427
00:15:17,453 --> 00:15:18,553
Can it, Unabomber.
428
00:15:18,554 --> 00:15:20,688
This is an emergency.
429
00:15:20,689 --> 00:15:22,891
- Hey, Ben.
- Hi.
430
00:15:22,892 --> 00:15:24,858
You wanted to talk to me?
Or probably not.
431
00:15:24,859 --> 00:15:26,727
I mean, I don't even want
to talk to me.
432
00:15:26,728 --> 00:15:28,529
- No, I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh.
433
00:15:28,530 --> 00:15:30,697
I just wanted to thank you
so much for your help, Andy.
434
00:15:30,698 --> 00:15:33,266
Sorry we didn't wind up choosing
the after-school music program.
435
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:34,735
It's just--
I totally get it.
436
00:15:34,736 --> 00:15:36,269
The music program
would be effective,
437
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:39,105
but the ambulance
is gonna help people right now
438
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,339
who are in trouble
439
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,908
and will probably look good
in the media.
440
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,242
Yeah, that's...
exactly right.
441
00:15:45,546 --> 00:15:46,779
Your morning tea, Mr. Wyatt.
442
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,213
Imagine all the money
you could save
443
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:49,882
if you didn't have to pay
for this expensive stuff.
444
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,083
Am I right?
445
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,652
You could help,
like, a zillion more charities.
446
00:15:52,653 --> 00:15:55,287
Yeah, that's...
also exactly right.
447
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,288
I feel like
I should have thought of that.
448
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,423
Well, let me tell you
449
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,224
something else
that's interesting, Ben.
450
00:16:00,725 --> 00:16:03,962
- What?
- I farted five minutes ago.
451
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,763
Didn't even smell it
till just now.
452
00:16:05,764 --> 00:16:07,798
That's how tight my pants are.
453
00:16:07,799 --> 00:16:09,367
Anyhow...
454
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,735
Later days, dudes.
455
00:16:13,704 --> 00:16:15,473
Okay, nothing too bad so far.
456
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,807
There's a "Top Ten
Ben's butt 2012 slide show."
457
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:21,244
You emailed it to Ben
and Ann...
458
00:16:21,745 --> 00:16:23,180
And The Huffington Post?
459
00:16:23,181 --> 00:16:24,648
Yeah, I'm not embarrassed
by that.
460
00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:25,950
Who is Todo Toadfoot?
461
00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:27,451
You wrote him an email
462
00:16:27,452 --> 00:16:30,186
about riding your dragons
to Pelennor Fields
463
00:16:30,187 --> 00:16:32,689
and signed it
"Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland."
464
00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:34,858
Yes, that's Ben and my
fantasy Lord Of The Rings
465
00:16:34,859 --> 00:16:35,959
pen pal letters.
466
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,426
I am a little embarrassed
by that.
467
00:16:37,427 --> 00:16:40,129
Here's one to me,
and it just says "Thanks."
468
00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:41,430
You're welcome.
469
00:16:41,431 --> 00:16:43,165
Oh, great,
I got a new email
470
00:16:43,166 --> 00:16:44,833
about the parking lot
at the Pawnee Commons.
471
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:46,768
I keep getting emails
all the time!
472
00:16:46,769 --> 00:16:49,505
I have to do well
at this press conference! Donna!
473
00:16:49,506 --> 00:16:50,572
Listen, freaky.
474
00:16:50,573 --> 00:16:52,374
Every single one
of my boyfriends
475
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:55,443
has tried to hack into my email.
I've got an idea...
476
00:16:55,744 --> 00:16:57,445
Everybody out.
477
00:17:02,017 --> 00:17:04,852
Ann Perkins, I see you
behind that attractive purse.
478
00:17:04,853 --> 00:17:06,453
You haven't returned
any of my calls.
479
00:17:06,854 --> 00:17:09,787
Yeah, that's because,
uh, I'm mortified.
480
00:17:10,258 --> 00:17:13,591
I'm so sorry
that I was so weird and blunt.
481
00:17:13,845 --> 00:17:15,945
I am touched and honored
482
00:17:15,946 --> 00:17:17,113
that you would
even consider me
483
00:17:17,114 --> 00:17:18,547
to be the father
of your child.
484
00:17:18,548 --> 00:17:20,583
And I'm glad that you
came right out and said it.
485
00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:22,118
I mean, if we're
really considering this,
486
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,452
then we have to start
at a place of complete honesty.
487
00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:27,056
You're right.
488
00:17:27,057 --> 00:17:28,992
And I'll start now.
489
00:17:28,993 --> 00:17:32,094
You are a great specimen.
490
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:33,862
That's a terrible choice
of words.
491
00:17:34,363 --> 00:17:38,196
If my baby turned out
to be anything like you...
492
00:17:39,302 --> 00:17:42,604
I'd be lucky.
493
00:17:42,605 --> 00:17:45,073
Can I have just a little bit
of time to think about it?
494
00:17:45,074 --> 00:17:46,241
Of course, yes.
495
00:17:46,242 --> 00:17:47,609
Take as much time as you want.
496
00:17:47,610 --> 00:17:49,143
Or just maybe, like,
a couple days.
497
00:17:49,144 --> 00:17:50,444
'Cause I'm getting antsy.
498
00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:51,913
And I'm ovulating on Thursday.
499
00:17:51,914 --> 00:17:53,380
So, chop-chop.
500
00:17:53,381 --> 00:17:56,550
But take your time.
501
00:17:56,551 --> 00:17:59,553
Wear loose pants!
502
00:18:01,924 --> 00:18:03,791
I gotta tell you, Ron.
503
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:07,125
You were absolutely
and totally right.
504
00:18:07,261 --> 00:18:09,196
I know. Stop talking
and get out.
505
00:18:09,197 --> 00:18:10,365
Yep.
506
00:18:12,066 --> 00:18:15,202
The redneck ambulance
is a great choice.
507
00:18:15,203 --> 00:18:17,637
We can release
a publicity shot
508
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,672
of a bucktoothed hayseed
taking medicine
509
00:18:19,673 --> 00:18:21,640
for the first time in his life.
510
00:18:21,641 --> 00:18:23,809
We can figure out
the photo later.
511
00:18:23,810 --> 00:18:25,878
Oh, I forgot!
512
00:18:25,879 --> 00:18:28,013
It's Fondue Friday. Yay!
513
00:18:28,014 --> 00:18:29,681
Yeah, also,
as President of the foundation,
514
00:18:29,682 --> 00:18:30,816
I'm making a few changes.
515
00:18:30,817 --> 00:18:33,152
I'm giving up this office.
516
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,187
And no more visits
from a masseuse
517
00:18:35,188 --> 00:18:36,787
or fancy lunches.
518
00:18:36,788 --> 00:18:38,189
It's way out of hand.
519
00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:41,059
Sweetie, all the money
we spend on the foundation
520
00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:42,894
is tax deductible.
521
00:18:42,895 --> 00:18:44,929
I know, and it's
a huge waste of money.
522
00:18:44,930 --> 00:18:47,332
I mean, there's plenty
of cheap office space around.
523
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:49,167
And I have an idea
524
00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:50,468
for how to use some
of the money we'll save.
525
00:18:51,636 --> 00:18:54,171
Get yourself
a matching nude portrait?
526
00:18:54,172 --> 00:18:56,306
- I can call the painter.
- Please don't.
527
00:18:56,307 --> 00:18:59,343
First, I'd like you all
to check under your chairs.
528
00:18:59,344 --> 00:19:02,677
I think you might be surprised
and excited by what you find.
529
00:19:02,914 --> 00:19:03,981
- Is it chocolate?
- Even better.
530
00:19:03,982 --> 00:19:05,315
It's dirt.
531
00:19:05,316 --> 00:19:07,817
The EPA has recently reviewed
our soil samples,
532
00:19:07,818 --> 00:19:09,718
and they determined
that we achieved,
533
00:19:09,719 --> 00:19:12,821
and I quote,
"Minimal acceptable standards."
534
00:19:12,822 --> 00:19:15,324
So...
not too shabby.
535
00:19:15,325 --> 00:19:17,159
Uh, Councilwoman Knope,
536
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,561
you've claimed construction
will take 18 months,
537
00:19:19,562 --> 00:19:21,630
but a source tells me
it will be much longer.
538
00:19:21,631 --> 00:19:24,366
I would--
I would deny that report.
539
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:25,666
I've also learned
540
00:19:25,667 --> 00:19:29,000
that the EPA found
midi-chlorians in the soil.
541
00:19:29,405 --> 00:19:30,705
How serious is that,
exactly?
542
00:19:30,706 --> 00:19:32,473
It's very serious, Kim.
543
00:19:32,474 --> 00:19:34,809
It's almost as serious
as email hacking,
544
00:19:34,810 --> 00:19:36,912
which is what
you have been doing to me
545
00:19:36,913 --> 00:19:38,546
for weeks.
546
00:19:41,249 --> 00:19:43,784
I really thought
you guys would gasp there.
547
00:19:43,785 --> 00:19:45,852
That is a baseless accusation.
548
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:48,255
Midi-chlorians
are a fictional substance
549
00:19:48,256 --> 00:19:50,857
found in the blood
of Jedi knights
550
00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:54,060
from the movie Star Wars
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.
551
00:19:54,061 --> 00:19:55,762
Which, side-note,
was a terrible movie.
552
00:19:55,763 --> 00:19:57,063
It almost destroyed
the franchise,
553
00:19:57,064 --> 00:19:58,464
according to my husband.
554
00:19:58,465 --> 00:19:59,665
But that is neither here
nor there.
555
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,802
The point is
I sent Councilwoman Knope
556
00:20:01,803 --> 00:20:04,703
the fake email about the EPA
finding midi-chlorians,
557
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,738
an hour ago...
558
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:07,006
As a trap.
559
00:20:07,007 --> 00:20:08,308
Into which you have fallen.
560
00:20:08,309 --> 00:20:09,775
Well...
561
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,544
I have never seen Star Wars,
562
00:20:11,545 --> 00:20:14,579
because I was
too busy hooking up with guys.
563
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:15,981
Unlike you losers.
564
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:18,951
Uh, you wanna
compare numbers, Terlando?
565
00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,385
Get to steppin'.
566
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,753
I would just like
to point out
567
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:24,022
that Kim Terlando
stole all of my jokes
568
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,490
for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,
569
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:26,758
and they were great jokes.
570
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,093
So I spent the whole night
writing new ones.
571
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:32,063
Lucky for you,
let's get... started.
572
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,597
I'm very excited
to be here.
573
00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:34,731
You know who else is excited
to be here?
574
00:20:34,732 --> 00:20:36,233
- Neve Campbell.
- Oh, boy.
575
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,602
What a great party... of five.
576
00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:40,071
All right,
thank you, guys.
577
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:43,749
The point is, I could use someone
to help me at the foundation
578
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:47,050
as a part-time assistant
but also an idea man.
579
00:20:47,051 --> 00:20:48,452
Might I suggest Tom?
580
00:20:48,953 --> 00:20:51,788
He loves ideas.
Also a man.
581
00:20:51,789 --> 00:20:55,122
What-- No, Andy,
I've already chosen the person.
582
00:20:55,226 --> 00:20:58,559
And it is not Tom...
583
00:20:59,296 --> 00:21:01,397
Then who is it?
584
00:21:01,398 --> 00:21:04,731
Well, he is, uh, sitting
right here in this courtyard.
585
00:21:08,271 --> 00:21:10,606
That guy?
Do you even know him?
586
00:21:10,607 --> 00:21:12,041
Oh, my God, Andy,
it's you.
587
00:21:12,042 --> 00:21:15,375
I think you may have a knack
for charitable giving.
588
00:21:15,445 --> 00:21:17,680
Will you come work for me?
589
00:21:17,681 --> 00:21:20,649
Uh-oh. What's happening?
590
00:21:20,650 --> 00:21:22,018
Oh.
591
00:21:22,518 --> 00:21:27,562
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com