1
00:00:00,628 --> 00:00:02,563
Well, the honeymoon
was amazing.
2
00:00:02,587 --> 00:00:03,697
We saw the bus stop
3
00:00:03,727 --> 00:00:06,388
where a young Barack Obama used
to sit and wait for the bus.
4
00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:08,020
- Theoretically.
- It's possible.
5
00:00:08,077 --> 00:00:11,246
Then we went and visited
Honolulu City Hall.
6
00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:12,815
- [Mock gasps] Shut up.
- You know.
7
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,819
- Oh, my God, what was it like?
- It was amazing.
8
00:00:14,844 --> 00:00:16,099
Well, it looked amazing,
but it was closed.
9
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:17,439
Oh, my God, bummer.
10
00:00:17,469 --> 00:00:18,677
Okay, I have presents!
11
00:00:18,695 --> 00:00:22,124
Um... Chris, we got you
an Acai tree
12
00:00:22,136 --> 00:00:24,566
because the Acai berry
is a superfood.
13
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:26,474
And a super gift.
14
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:28,806
Donna, we got you some coffee,
because you said, and I quote,
15
00:00:28,831 --> 00:00:30,303
"I like my coffee
like I like my men.
16
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,519
Dark, rich, and full-bodied."
17
00:00:31,561 --> 00:00:32,751
Yes, indeed.
18
00:00:32,763 --> 00:00:35,873
Ann, we got you some very rare
Hawaiian fertility tea,
19
00:00:35,891 --> 00:00:37,359
guaranteed to help you
have a baby.
20
00:00:37,381 --> 00:00:39,187
That's so nice.
Where'd you find that?
21
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:41,105
Well, the busboy
at our restaurant
22
00:00:41,131 --> 00:00:43,660
told us about a guy
who we met in a parking lot,
23
00:00:43,678 --> 00:00:45,671
and then he had a backpack
full of this stuff,
24
00:00:45,690 --> 00:00:47,965
and I'm just realizing now
that it's not tea.
25
00:00:48,010 --> 00:00:49,057
And I'm gonna throw it away.
26
00:00:49,085 --> 00:00:52,622
Ron, this is
the Hawaiian god of anger.
27
00:00:52,756 --> 00:00:55,303
It reminded us of you
when you're at work.
28
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:56,667
A handsome gentleman.
29
00:00:56,725 --> 00:00:58,291
- We did not forget Jerry.
- Right, right.
30
00:00:58,304 --> 00:01:01,232
We got Jerry some earbuds,
31
00:01:01,291 --> 00:01:03,525
and a bag of peanuts,
32
00:01:03,570 --> 00:01:05,227
and the Skymall catalog.
33
00:01:05,235 --> 00:01:08,070
Same thing you got me
from your trip to Washington!
34
00:01:08,089 --> 00:01:10,877
Tom, we got you
an autographed portrait
35
00:01:10,883 --> 00:01:12,308
of your personal hero.
36
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,805
[Gasps]
No way!
37
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:15,513
Scott Caan
from Hawaii five-0!
38
00:01:15,557 --> 00:01:16,824
April, as requested,
39
00:01:16,848 --> 00:01:19,598
we threw that box you gave us
into that volcano.
40
00:01:20,086 --> 00:01:21,014
Thank you.
41
00:01:21,051 --> 00:01:22,570
Andy, as you requested,
42
00:01:22,599 --> 00:01:24,874
got you a three-pack
of white T-shirts
43
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:25,917
from Target.
44
00:01:25,936 --> 00:01:28,328
Thank you.
All mine are dirty.
45
00:01:28,642 --> 00:01:30,073
Thank you, Hawaii.
46
00:01:30,143 --> 00:01:33,145
[Triumphant music]
47
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:38,592
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
48
00:01:50,375 --> 00:01:51,566
[Laughter, applause]
49
00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:52,406
Thank you so much.
50
00:01:52,424 --> 00:01:54,042
It's great to be here
51
00:01:54,076 --> 00:01:55,632
at the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.
52
00:01:55,638 --> 00:01:57,833
There's so many wonderful,
talented journalists here.
53
00:01:57,863 --> 00:02:00,559
Also here are some reporters
from the Pawnee Sun.
54
00:02:00,594 --> 00:02:01,786
[Laughs]
55
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,325
Oh, hey, hey.
56
00:02:03,366 --> 00:02:05,138
I love the Pawnee Sun.
57
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:07,529
Some people say
that it's a useless tabloid.
58
00:02:07,555 --> 00:02:08,649
But I don't think it's useless.
59
00:02:08,673 --> 00:02:10,975
I think it's great
for housebreaking puppies.
60
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,730
[All laughing]
61
00:02:12,761 --> 00:02:15,629
I am prepping for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.
62
00:02:15,658 --> 00:02:18,909
It's an annual affair where the media and
the government roast each other.
63
00:02:19,031 --> 00:02:20,437
My number one target--
64
00:02:20,788 --> 00:02:22,056
the Pawnee Sun.
65
00:02:22,114 --> 00:02:25,590
364 days a year,
they rake me over the coals.
66
00:02:25,871 --> 00:02:27,835
Today, I take
those burning coals,
67
00:02:27,855 --> 00:02:29,889
I shove them
back down their throats,
68
00:02:29,908 --> 00:02:34,352
and I watch their melting flesh
drip off their worthless faces!
69
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:36,886
It's all in good fun.
70
00:02:36,915 --> 00:02:38,717
Okay, I need
more jokes, people.
71
00:02:38,753 --> 00:02:41,384
Ben is having his first day at work,
so he cannot help me.
72
00:02:41,408 --> 00:02:42,808
So I need you guys
to pick up the slack.
73
00:02:42,853 --> 00:02:44,868
- I have a joke for you.
- Okay.
74
00:02:44,906 --> 00:02:47,556
The government in this town
is excellent
75
00:02:47,599 --> 00:02:50,350
and uses
your tax dollars efficiently.
76
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,471
[Laughs goofily]
77
00:02:52,579 --> 00:02:54,780
- That's not really a joke, Ron.
- I disagree.
78
00:02:54,811 --> 00:02:56,512
I find it hilarious.
79
00:02:58,572 --> 00:03:00,078
- Ann Perkins!
- Hey, Chris!
80
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,147
Got to run to a meeting.
81
00:03:01,179 --> 00:03:02,242
With Ron.
[Door opens]
82
00:03:02,273 --> 00:03:04,925
Great idea! I'll run
to my next meeting.
83
00:03:05,889 --> 00:03:08,390
[Sighs]
[Door slams]
84
00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:10,711
Sorry, the door was open.
85
00:03:10,943 --> 00:03:13,203
I wish this office
had only walls.
86
00:03:13,221 --> 00:03:14,957
Chris broke up
with his girlfriend a week ago,
87
00:03:14,979 --> 00:03:16,897
and I have decided to ask him
88
00:03:16,922 --> 00:03:19,083
to be the father of my baby.
89
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,613
Except I cannot work up
the nerve to do it.
90
00:03:21,982 --> 00:03:23,768
Turns out
they don't make greeting cards
91
00:03:23,783 --> 00:03:27,344
for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will
artificially inseminate you.
92
00:03:28,132 --> 00:03:30,871
Actually, Ron, I-I could
use your advice
93
00:03:30,891 --> 00:03:33,474
on how to be blunt and honest.
94
00:03:33,988 --> 00:03:36,730
I want my friend
to do something for me,
95
00:03:36,742 --> 00:03:38,477
and I don't know how
to ask him.
96
00:03:38,507 --> 00:03:40,908
What do you want him to do?
97
00:03:41,209 --> 00:03:43,078
Plant ficuses.
98
00:03:43,647 --> 00:03:45,415
In my front yard.
99
00:03:45,441 --> 00:03:47,356
Grossest metaphor ever.
100
00:03:47,597 --> 00:03:48,597
I've seen your house.
101
00:03:48,630 --> 00:03:49,830
You'd have more success
102
00:03:49,868 --> 00:03:52,770
if he planted ficuses
in your backyard.
103
00:03:53,134 --> 00:03:54,774
No, I don't think so.
104
00:03:54,869 --> 00:03:57,979
Anyway, what if he thinks
I'm asking too much of him,
105
00:03:57,991 --> 00:04:00,059
and I ask him
to plant the ficuses,
106
00:04:00,088 --> 00:04:01,906
and he doesn't want to,
and he gets weird about it,
107
00:04:01,931 --> 00:04:03,098
and it ruins our friendship?
108
00:04:03,136 --> 00:04:05,170
Then plant
the damn ficuses yourself.
109
00:04:05,189 --> 00:04:06,127
[Guffaws]
110
00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,183
I wish that were possible.
111
00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:12,093
We are so excited
to have you working with us
112
00:04:12,111 --> 00:04:15,445
here at the all-new
Sweetums Foundation.
113
00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:18,258
This is your office.
114
00:04:18,596 --> 00:04:20,360
This is incredible.
115
00:04:20,436 --> 00:04:22,770
And look at that art.
116
00:04:22,883 --> 00:04:25,551
Ah, yes.
My late husband.
117
00:04:25,627 --> 00:04:27,567
He was so decrepit.
118
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:28,734
[Laughs]
119
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,329
I really like helping people.
120
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,325
Running the new
Sweetums Foundation charity
121
00:04:32,344 --> 00:04:33,832
allows me to do that
122
00:04:33,862 --> 00:04:37,700
and work in an office
with more mahogany wood
123
00:04:37,718 --> 00:04:41,277
than currently remains
in the Amazon rain forest.
124
00:04:41,441 --> 00:04:43,485
So, win-win.
125
00:04:44,103 --> 00:04:45,572
Except for the rain forest.
126
00:04:45,611 --> 00:04:49,043
I need you to select
your first charity by tomorrow.
127
00:04:49,305 --> 00:04:51,688
Sweetums' public image
is currently
128
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:52,850
at an all-time low.
129
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:54,432
Yeah, there's even
a rumor going around
130
00:04:54,451 --> 00:04:55,992
that the chocolate
is made of rat parts.
131
00:04:56,011 --> 00:04:57,144
[Laughing]
Well...
132
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,754
You know what they say
about rumors.
133
00:04:58,774 --> 00:05:00,874
- Yeah.
- They're mostly true.
134
00:05:01,156 --> 00:05:02,744
Including the rat thing?
135
00:05:02,768 --> 00:05:03,887
Yeah.
What are you gonna do?
136
00:05:03,898 --> 00:05:05,381
It's where
all the flavor comes from.
137
00:05:05,413 --> 00:05:08,952
Oh, would you look at that.
There is a smudge on my tail.
138
00:05:09,386 --> 00:05:10,736
Oh!
139
00:05:11,075 --> 00:05:12,942
[Fingernail scrapes canvas]
140
00:05:13,231 --> 00:05:15,078
All better.
141
00:05:16,105 --> 00:05:19,335
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,
142
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:22,242
where politicians and the media
make fun of each other.
143
00:05:22,273 --> 00:05:23,381
But, if you ask me,
144
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,169
we should be making fun
of the food.
145
00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,009
"I am not the cook."
146
00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:28,385
[Laughter]
147
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,810
Oh, well, well, well.
148
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,363
If it isn't Kim Terlando
from the Pawnee Sun.
149
00:05:32,402 --> 00:05:34,042
Do you happen
to have a can opener?
150
00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:36,761
'Cause I'm about
to open this on you.
151
00:05:36,807 --> 00:05:38,731
Did you make that can
of "whoop ass"
152
00:05:38,764 --> 00:05:40,164
for this exact moment?
153
00:05:40,264 --> 00:05:41,765
Yeah, I came prepared.
154
00:05:41,798 --> 00:05:43,186
I'd expect nothing less.
155
00:05:43,229 --> 00:05:44,124
Good luck with your speech.
156
00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:45,651
Uh, my speech doesn't need
your luck.
157
00:05:45,692 --> 00:05:47,238
It needs
a Surgeon General's warning
158
00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:49,086
because it's so harmful
to your health.
159
00:05:49,111 --> 00:05:50,912
Oh, look, it has one.
160
00:05:50,943 --> 00:05:52,710
- [Scoffs]
- That's how ready I am.
161
00:05:52,802 --> 00:05:54,267
I'm glad you're so confident.
162
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:56,882
- Nice to see you.
- It was nice to see you too.
163
00:05:59,372 --> 00:06:01,217
Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
164
00:06:01,248 --> 00:06:02,849
Absolutely.
I cannot wait.
165
00:06:02,874 --> 00:06:04,121
One second.
Excuse me, sir.
166
00:06:04,139 --> 00:06:06,051
I think I accidentally
got the meat option.
167
00:06:06,076 --> 00:06:07,677
Yeah, and I got
the veggie option.
168
00:06:07,703 --> 00:06:10,136
Shauna Malwae-Tweep,
169
00:06:10,156 --> 00:06:11,125
my ex-girlfriend.
170
00:06:11,143 --> 00:06:13,430
It seems like you and I
have a classic mix 'em up.
171
00:06:13,515 --> 00:06:15,374
Yeah, fancy meeting you here.
172
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,032
This isn't awkward
for you, is it?
173
00:06:17,049 --> 00:06:18,115
Chris, it's okay.
174
00:06:18,147 --> 00:06:20,283
- You wanna switch? I'm starving.
- Definitely.
175
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:26,578
Whoa! Check out
the new digs.
176
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,697
- This place is insane.
- Thanks for coming, guys.
177
00:06:28,715 --> 00:06:31,149
I'm super swamped,
and I need your help.
178
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:32,083
Pass.
179
00:06:32,102 --> 00:06:34,531
You came down here
to pass on helping me?
180
00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:37,344
Yeah, I wanted to see what your
face looked like when I said no.
181
00:06:37,707 --> 00:06:39,407
It was totally worth it.
182
00:06:40,002 --> 00:06:41,416
Andy, are you okay?
183
00:06:41,459 --> 00:06:42,368
Oh, I'm fine.
184
00:06:42,387 --> 00:06:43,953
It's just
that life is pointless
185
00:06:43,965 --> 00:06:45,866
and nothing matters
and I'm always tired.
186
00:06:45,965 --> 00:06:48,287
Also, I can't sleep,
I'm overeating,
187
00:06:48,310 --> 00:06:50,196
none of my old hobbies
interest me.
188
00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:53,074
Ever since Andy failed
the police academy exam,
189
00:06:53,099 --> 00:06:55,652
his self-esteem
has hit rock bottom.
190
00:06:55,739 --> 00:06:57,952
He's always sad and sweaty.
191
00:06:58,537 --> 00:07:00,568
He's usually happy and sweaty.
192
00:07:00,984 --> 00:07:03,148
I have to pick
our first charity by tomorrow,
193
00:07:03,167 --> 00:07:05,503
and there's
a million applications.
194
00:07:05,522 --> 00:07:07,222
Can you guys
help me sort 'em out?
195
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:09,597
You know what?
This sounds like fun.
196
00:07:09,631 --> 00:07:10,818
Babe, come on.
197
00:07:10,844 --> 00:07:13,096
Let's help him.
It'll be fun.
198
00:07:13,127 --> 00:07:15,144
Well, it sounds
like you guys got it covered.
199
00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:17,729
I'm gonna head out. Actually have
my own charity to attend to.
200
00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:19,452
Tommy's tummy foundation.
201
00:07:19,489 --> 00:07:21,164
Well, they bring me
fancy lunches here.
202
00:07:21,176 --> 00:07:22,510
If you stay, you can have some.
203
00:07:22,571 --> 00:07:25,209
What? Crab, caviar?
204
00:07:25,271 --> 00:07:27,679
On behalf
of Tommy's tummy foundation,
205
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:30,300
I'm happy to accept
this generous donation.
206
00:07:30,746 --> 00:07:32,498
Please welcome Kim Terlando.
207
00:07:32,542 --> 00:07:35,875
[Applause]
208
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,282
Thank you, Martin.
209
00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:39,810
It's nice to be here
210
00:07:39,838 --> 00:07:42,423
among all
of these excellent journalists.
211
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,711
And also the people
that work with me
212
00:07:44,717 --> 00:07:46,061
over at the Pawnee Sun.
213
00:07:46,097 --> 00:07:47,567
[Laughter]
214
00:07:47,943 --> 00:07:48,888
Damn it.
215
00:07:48,916 --> 00:07:49,973
That was my opener.
216
00:07:50,004 --> 00:07:52,932
Now I love working
at the Sun, okay?
217
00:07:52,981 --> 00:07:55,853
And I know you all think
it's just a useless tabloid,
218
00:07:55,872 --> 00:07:56,928
but it's not.
219
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,277
It is great.
220
00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,830
For housebreaking puppies.
221
00:07:59,848 --> 00:08:01,392
[Laughter, ohs]
222
00:08:01,428 --> 00:08:02,792
Those are my jokes.
223
00:08:02,856 --> 00:08:04,361
She's stealing my jokes.
224
00:08:04,413 --> 00:08:05,701
Some people say
225
00:08:05,726 --> 00:08:08,598
that the Sun has a problem
with the truth.
226
00:08:08,747 --> 00:08:11,187
There's no problem,
we just ignore it.
227
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,209
[Laughter]
228
00:08:14,967 --> 00:08:16,146
[Laughs]
229
00:08:16,171 --> 00:08:18,552
Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes!
230
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:19,584
Totally dead.
231
00:08:19,615 --> 00:08:20,948
What am I gonna do?
[Can top pops]
232
00:08:21,093 --> 00:08:23,851
Oh! I just opened up
a can of "whoop ass" on myself!
233
00:08:24,735 --> 00:08:28,002
I remember the very first
Correspondents' Lunch.
234
00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:30,433
I rode here in a horse and buggy.
235
00:08:30,503 --> 00:08:31,903
[Laughter]
236
00:08:31,953 --> 00:08:34,670
No, no, no, that wasn't a joke.
237
00:08:34,695 --> 00:08:37,036
I actually did.
[Laughter continues]
238
00:08:37,128 --> 00:08:38,659
That also was not a joke.
239
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,415
Ron, Kim told
all my jokes, all of them.
240
00:08:41,491 --> 00:08:43,439
She must have gotten
a copy of my speech.
241
00:08:43,470 --> 00:08:44,813
Did anybody lose their copy?
242
00:08:44,832 --> 00:08:45,757
- Nope.
- Right here.
243
00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:47,413
Mine is right here.
244
00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:50,537
Oh, jeez.
245
00:08:50,589 --> 00:08:53,060
Go stand in the corner and
think about what you've done.
246
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,533
And no dessert!
247
00:08:54,672 --> 00:08:56,691
I need new material,
and it needs to be great,
248
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,160
and it needs
to knock people on their butts,
249
00:08:58,186 --> 00:09:01,281
and it needs to transcend
the genre of roast comedy.
250
00:09:01,305 --> 00:09:02,698
- Perkins, go.
- Oh, wow.
251
00:09:02,735 --> 00:09:04,302
Um, okay,
252
00:09:04,322 --> 00:09:07,099
so Councilman Milton
is old, right?
253
00:09:07,127 --> 00:09:08,470
And he's wearing a green tie.
254
00:09:08,487 --> 00:09:09,708
So, like, maybe
there's something there,
255
00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:11,396
where, like, he went to school
256
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,709
with his high-school buddies
that were dinosaurs.
257
00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:14,822
And his tie is green.
258
00:09:14,841 --> 00:09:16,890
They're green.
[Chuckles]
259
00:09:18,082 --> 00:09:20,185
Oh, Ann, you're too
beautiful to be funny.
260
00:09:20,212 --> 00:09:20,971
It's not your fault.
261
00:09:21,002 --> 00:09:22,511
You've never had
to compensate for anything.
262
00:09:22,539 --> 00:09:25,675
The rest of you ugly nerds
need to give me some jokes stat.
263
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,318
Ben?
264
00:09:27,894 --> 00:09:29,094
Ben?
265
00:09:29,338 --> 00:09:30,209
Yeah, Andy.
266
00:09:30,215 --> 00:09:32,828
I think I might have found something
that's actually pretty cool.
267
00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:35,074
Okay, well, just put it aside,
and I'll read it later.
268
00:09:35,130 --> 00:09:36,498
No. Andy found it,
269
00:09:36,512 --> 00:09:39,179
and he's gonna tell you
about it right now. Go, babe.
270
00:09:39,298 --> 00:09:42,778
Uh, it's
the Redwood Music Program.
271
00:09:42,831 --> 00:09:46,217
It's an after-school music class
for at-risk kids.
272
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:47,702
- It'll keep them off the street.
- Whoa.
273
00:09:47,736 --> 00:09:50,949
And the streets,
as you know, are dangerous.
274
00:09:51,222 --> 00:09:53,271
Example--I fell
in a sewer grate once.
275
00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:54,433
I was there all day.
276
00:09:54,539 --> 00:09:55,733
In conclusion,
277
00:09:55,765 --> 00:09:58,434
we cannot let our children
live in the sewer any longer.
278
00:09:58,463 --> 00:10:01,796
Redwood Music Program--
go, your honor, amen.
279
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:03,868
That's a great idea.
280
00:10:03,892 --> 00:10:05,793
Anyone else come across
anything good?
281
00:10:06,093 --> 00:10:07,438
Tom?
282
00:10:08,629 --> 00:10:09,942
Um, yeah.
283
00:10:09,986 --> 00:10:11,654
I got a good one.
284
00:10:12,224 --> 00:10:15,022
It's called
the Clean Sheet Foundation.
285
00:10:15,668 --> 00:10:17,168
That's my pick.
286
00:10:17,525 --> 00:10:20,858
They provide legal assistance
to the KKK.
287
00:10:21,230 --> 00:10:22,564
This is your pick?
288
00:10:22,683 --> 00:10:24,471
Yeah. Can you pass
the bonbons?
289
00:10:24,577 --> 00:10:26,702
Perd Hapley is here today.
290
00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:28,534
Or, as Perd would say,
291
00:10:28,553 --> 00:10:30,482
"My name is Perd Hapley,
292
00:10:30,494 --> 00:10:33,732
and the person
I see here today... is me."
293
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:35,488
[Laughter]
294
00:10:36,029 --> 00:10:38,025
Everyone seems
to be laughing now.
295
00:10:38,313 --> 00:10:41,057
Do you see what is happening
with Chris and Shauna?
296
00:10:41,126 --> 00:10:43,519
They are flirting like crazy.
297
00:10:43,556 --> 00:10:45,206
It's disgusting.
They're in public.
298
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:46,897
That's called a conversation.
299
00:10:46,948 --> 00:10:49,886
Ron, there are
no ficuses, okay?
300
00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:53,042
I wanted to ask Chris
to be the father of my baby.
301
00:10:53,233 --> 00:10:54,234
Good God.
302
00:10:54,272 --> 00:10:55,672
And the metaphor you chose
303
00:10:55,716 --> 00:10:58,024
was planting ficuses
in your front yard?
304
00:10:58,050 --> 00:10:59,773
I was gonna wait till
he was single to ask him,
305
00:10:59,810 --> 00:11:01,393
but now he's flirting
with Shauna again.
306
00:11:01,444 --> 00:11:03,088
What do I do?
307
00:11:03,092 --> 00:11:04,292
[Laughter, chatter]
308
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,699
- It's been nice talking to you.
- What?
309
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:07,913
[Laughter]
310
00:11:07,969 --> 00:11:09,799
Maybe I should
just do impressions.
311
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:11,968
"I'm-a Borat."
There's one.
312
00:11:11,987 --> 00:11:14,200
But I need to do someone
that no one has heard before.
313
00:11:14,224 --> 00:11:15,992
Like, I don't know,
Neve Campbell?
314
00:11:16,025 --> 00:11:17,092
What does
Neve Campbell sound like?
315
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,892
[Mumbling]
I don't know.
316
00:11:19,752 --> 00:11:21,802
Someone, fucking tell me
what Neve Campbell sounds like.
317
00:11:21,837 --> 00:11:23,325
Just keep it short
and get the hell out of there.
318
00:11:23,366 --> 00:11:24,316
[Applause]
319
00:11:24,348 --> 00:11:25,613
Thank you.
[Giggles]
320
00:11:25,626 --> 00:11:28,513
Our next guest has asked me
to read this.
321
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:30,246
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I forgot I did this.
322
00:11:30,264 --> 00:11:31,032
Joan, no--
323
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:32,960
"Strap on
your adult diapers, everyone.
324
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:36,316
"Because you're about
to wet yourself from laughter.
325
00:11:36,504 --> 00:11:38,081
Give it up for Leslie Knope."
326
00:11:38,179 --> 00:11:41,512
[Applause]
327
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,656
"Whassup," Pawnee?
328
00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:47,120
[Laughter]
329
00:11:47,195 --> 00:11:48,621
Um...
330
00:11:48,655 --> 00:11:49,792
Borat.
331
00:11:49,891 --> 00:11:51,090
[Scattered laughs]
332
00:11:51,091 --> 00:11:52,310
[Silence]
333
00:11:52,449 --> 00:11:55,305
Well, that's my time.
They're giving me the light.
334
00:11:55,421 --> 00:11:57,556
So, uh, I did great.
335
00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:58,580
[Applause]
336
00:11:58,605 --> 00:11:59,784
Thank you, Leslie Knope.
337
00:11:59,809 --> 00:12:01,565
You know what they say.
Drama is hard,
338
00:12:01,583 --> 00:12:04,397
and sometimes comedy
is not in our wheelhouse.
339
00:12:04,428 --> 00:12:05,792
[Blender grating]
340
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,216
Tom, do you have
to run that right now?
341
00:12:08,235 --> 00:12:09,204
Oh, no, Ben!
342
00:12:09,241 --> 00:12:11,808
These smoothies will
just blend themselves!
343
00:12:13,813 --> 00:12:14,946
[Grating stops]
344
00:12:15,728 --> 00:12:16,494
Okay.
345
00:12:16,549 --> 00:12:18,493
[Blender grates, stops]
346
00:12:19,402 --> 00:12:21,715
Think I have our winner.
347
00:12:21,762 --> 00:12:23,661
It's called
Rural Ambu-care.
348
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:25,053
They want to buy an ambulance
349
00:12:25,072 --> 00:12:27,309
for people who live far away
from the hospital.
350
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,551
Ambulances are dumb.
351
00:12:28,563 --> 00:12:30,050
When has an ambulance
ever helped anyone?
352
00:12:30,068 --> 00:12:31,634
What about Andy's music thing?
353
00:12:31,654 --> 00:12:34,437
Well, this is a great service that
will help a lot of needy people.
354
00:12:34,465 --> 00:12:35,465
Sorry, Andy.
355
00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:37,345
Why? No, it's totally fine.
356
00:12:37,676 --> 00:12:39,421
I'm happy for them.
That's awesome.
357
00:12:39,503 --> 00:12:40,604
You know what I'm gonna do?
358
00:12:40,617 --> 00:12:42,559
I'm gonna head out
to, uh, the car.
359
00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:44,047
It's a little hot in here,
a little sweaty.
360
00:12:44,108 --> 00:12:46,198
Well,
I'm terribly disappointed.
361
00:12:46,248 --> 00:12:49,079
But I'm sure
the doctors or giraffes
362
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:51,423
or whatever you decided to help
363
00:12:51,484 --> 00:12:55,224
will be thrilled with the whatever
you decided to whatever.
364
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,128
I'm outtie.
365
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,909
Great job, team.
366
00:12:58,972 --> 00:12:59,878
What?
367
00:12:59,957 --> 00:13:01,609
Ever since Andy failed
the police exam,
368
00:13:01,628 --> 00:13:03,128
he's been really depressed.
369
00:13:03,168 --> 00:13:06,101
Picking out a dumb charity is the most
excited he's been in weeks.
370
00:13:06,195 --> 00:13:07,495
You're so selfish.
371
00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:09,589
Selfish?
I'm running a charity.
372
00:13:09,608 --> 00:13:12,189
Oh, it's all about
what you're doing, isn't it?
373
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,223
Classic Ben!
[Glass clanks]
374
00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:16,593
Sorry, forgot the oysters.
375
00:13:16,843 --> 00:13:18,111
Great work today.
376
00:13:20,512 --> 00:13:21,544
Christopher.
377
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:23,307
"Chris-toe-fur."
378
00:13:23,478 --> 00:13:24,872
- It's like you have furry toes.
- [Guffaws]
379
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,025
Hilarious.
380
00:13:26,059 --> 00:13:28,334
I have a question... for you.
381
00:13:28,386 --> 00:13:29,936
It's something very important.
382
00:13:29,988 --> 00:13:31,924
Which is...
383
00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:36,312
What is your... Spirit animal?
384
00:13:36,335 --> 00:13:38,167
Jaguar. Why do you ask?
385
00:13:38,492 --> 00:13:39,617
Doin' a survey.
386
00:13:39,707 --> 00:13:41,231
Well, survey completed.
387
00:13:41,282 --> 00:13:42,501
So take 'er easy.
388
00:13:42,562 --> 00:13:44,342
Uh, you didn't ask me.
But if you had,
389
00:13:44,373 --> 00:13:46,684
the answer
I would have given is... Doggie.
390
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:49,495
Chris, Ann wants
to ask you something right now.
391
00:13:49,511 --> 00:13:50,622
Go, Ann.
392
00:13:50,709 --> 00:13:52,154
- In front of Perd?
- Yes.
393
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:54,368
No more delays. Go.
394
00:13:55,354 --> 00:13:57,919
I want to have a baby.
Will you be the sperm donor?
395
00:14:01,023 --> 00:14:03,324
The story of this situation is
396
00:14:03,344 --> 00:14:05,302
it's extremely personal.
397
00:14:05,818 --> 00:14:08,031
Think it over. Bye.
398
00:14:09,507 --> 00:14:11,725
Leslie, permission
to leave the corner.
399
00:14:11,739 --> 00:14:12,741
Denied.
400
00:14:12,759 --> 00:14:14,797
But, look, I did not
lose your speech after all.
401
00:14:14,956 --> 00:14:15,939
I forgot.
402
00:14:15,964 --> 00:14:18,841
I put it in my shoe
for safekeeping.
403
00:14:19,106 --> 00:14:21,236
It's a little moist,
but it is still here.
404
00:14:21,307 --> 00:14:23,342
Well, then how did Kim
get the speech?
405
00:14:23,704 --> 00:14:24,474
Wait a minute.
406
00:14:24,499 --> 00:14:27,091
The Pawnee Sun has been
one step ahead of me for months.
407
00:14:27,144 --> 00:14:30,231
They knew that Kernston's withdrew
its sponsorship of the Commons
408
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:31,617
before I even announced it.
409
00:14:31,642 --> 00:14:34,450
They asked me about the sewage
eruption in Ramsett Park
410
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:36,268
right after Ron emailed me
about it.
411
00:14:36,313 --> 00:14:38,126
And Kim asked me if I liked
412
00:14:38,151 --> 00:14:40,064
the first season Army Wives
413
00:14:40,195 --> 00:14:42,851
just moments after Netflix did.
414
00:14:43,153 --> 00:14:45,087
The Pawnee Sun hacked my email.
415
00:14:45,107 --> 00:14:47,074
I've been hacked!
416
00:14:47,237 --> 00:14:49,868
Okay, smashing your phone
won't stop hacking.
417
00:14:49,925 --> 00:14:50,987
That's also my phone.
418
00:14:51,005 --> 00:14:53,259
Jerry, quiet!
This is serious.
419
00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:56,586
Well, the police said they're
gonna launch an investigation
420
00:14:56,594 --> 00:14:57,794
to see whether or not
I was hacked.
421
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,138
But it's very complicated,
and it could take up to a month.
422
00:15:00,168 --> 00:15:02,271
There is nothing
more disgusting
423
00:15:02,289 --> 00:15:03,475
than an invasion of privacy.
424
00:15:03,512 --> 00:15:04,391
And I should know.
425
00:15:04,411 --> 00:15:06,874
I've had many women steal
my undershirts.
426
00:15:06,932 --> 00:15:09,612
I have a press conference about the
Pawnee Commons in two hours.
427
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,379
So I need to go through every email
that I've ever sent, ever.
428
00:15:12,432 --> 00:15:14,407
I need to know what
they might use against me.
429
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:16,281
You can't hack
into a typewriter.
430
00:15:16,305 --> 00:15:17,375
That's all I have to say.
431
00:15:17,424 --> 00:15:19,712
Can it, Unabomber.
This is an emergency.
432
00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:22,366
- Hey, Ben.
- Hi.
433
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,735
You wanted to talk to me?
Or probably not.
434
00:15:24,747 --> 00:15:26,506
I mean, I don't even want
to talk to me.
435
00:15:26,517 --> 00:15:28,127
- No, I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh.
436
00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:30,729
I just wanted to thank you
so much for your help, Andy.
437
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,534
Sorry we didn't wind up choosing
the after-school music program.
438
00:15:33,552 --> 00:15:34,915
It's just--
I totally get it.
439
00:15:34,932 --> 00:15:36,375
The music program
would be effective,
440
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,441
but the ambulance
is gonna help people right now
441
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,554
who are in trouble
442
00:15:40,654 --> 00:15:42,222
and will probably look good
in the media.
443
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,313
Yeah, that's...
exactly right.
444
00:15:45,423 --> 00:15:46,656
Your morning tea, Mr. Wyatt.
445
00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:47,928
Imagine all the money
you could save
446
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,733
if you didn't have to pay
for this expensive stuff.
447
00:15:49,772 --> 00:15:50,703
[Chuckling]
Am I right?
448
00:15:50,723 --> 00:15:52,291
You could help,
like, a zillion more charities.
449
00:15:52,336 --> 00:15:55,443
Yeah, that's...
also exactly right.
450
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,421
I feel like
I should have thought of that.
451
00:15:57,616 --> 00:15:59,779
Well, let me tell you something else
that's interesting, Ben.
452
00:15:59,821 --> 00:16:03,058
- What?
- I farted five minutes ago.
453
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:05,896
Didn't even smell it
till just now.
454
00:16:05,922 --> 00:16:07,638
That's how tight my pants are.
455
00:16:07,957 --> 00:16:09,176
Anyhow...
456
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:10,612
Later days, dudes.
457
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:15,450
Okay, nothing too bad so far.
458
00:16:15,532 --> 00:16:19,006
There's a "Top Ten
Ben's butt 2012 slide show."
459
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,516
You emailed it to Ben
and Ann...
460
00:16:21,885 --> 00:16:23,022
And The Huffington Post?
461
00:16:23,046 --> 00:16:24,375
Yeah, I'm not embarrassed
by that.
462
00:16:24,387 --> 00:16:25,968
Who is Todo Toadfoot?
463
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:30,125
You wrote him an email about riding
your dragons to Pelennor Fields
464
00:16:30,207 --> 00:16:32,709
and signed it
"Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland."
465
00:16:32,729 --> 00:16:35,748
Yes, that's Ben and my fantasy
Lord Of The Rings pen pal letters.
466
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,253
I am a little embarrassed
by that.
467
00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:40,127
Here's one to me,
and it just says "Thanks."
468
00:16:40,769 --> 00:16:41,569
You're welcome.
469
00:16:41,595 --> 00:16:43,160
Oh, great, I got a new email
470
00:16:43,178 --> 00:16:44,845
about the parking lot
at the Pawnee Commons.
471
00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:46,760
I keep getting emails
all the time!
472
00:16:46,766 --> 00:16:49,116
I have to do well
at this press conference! Donna!
473
00:16:49,147 --> 00:16:50,379
Listen, freaky.
474
00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:52,437
Every single one
of my boyfriends
475
00:16:52,483 --> 00:16:55,551
has tried to hack into my email.
I've got an idea...
476
00:16:55,621 --> 00:16:57,322
Everybody out.
477
00:17:01,894 --> 00:17:04,457
Ann Perkins, I see you
behind that attractive purse.
478
00:17:04,642 --> 00:17:06,515
You haven't returned
any of my calls.
479
00:17:06,774 --> 00:17:09,965
Yeah, that's because,
uh, I'm mortified.
480
00:17:10,378 --> 00:17:13,634
I'm so sorry
that I was so weird and blunt.
481
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,672
I am touched and honored
482
00:17:15,685 --> 00:17:18,319
that you would even consider me
to be the father of your child.
483
00:17:18,425 --> 00:17:20,306
And I'm glad that you
came right out and said it.
484
00:17:20,461 --> 00:17:21,995
I mean, if we're
really considering this,
485
00:17:22,026 --> 00:17:25,359
then we have to start
at a place of complete honesty.
486
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:26,933
You're right.
487
00:17:26,995 --> 00:17:28,409
And I'll start now.
488
00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:32,261
You are a great specimen.
489
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,161
That's a terrible choice
of words.
490
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:38,563
If my baby turned out
to be anything like you...
491
00:17:39,178 --> 00:17:41,173
I'd be lucky.
492
00:17:42,737 --> 00:17:44,884
Can I have just a little bit
of time to think about it?
493
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:46,197
Of course, yes.
494
00:17:46,262 --> 00:17:47,629
Take as much time as you want.
495
00:17:47,662 --> 00:17:48,981
Or just maybe, like,
a couple days.
496
00:17:49,021 --> 00:17:51,848
'Cause I'm getting antsy.
And I'm ovulating on Thursday.
497
00:17:51,866 --> 00:17:53,611
So, chop-chop.
498
00:17:53,871 --> 00:17:55,584
But take your time.
499
00:17:56,728 --> 00:17:58,628
Wear loose pants!
500
00:18:02,407 --> 00:18:03,889
I gotta tell you, Ron.
501
00:18:03,906 --> 00:18:07,006
You were absolutely
and totally right.
502
00:18:07,031 --> 00:18:08,966
I know. Stop talking
and get out.
503
00:18:08,997 --> 00:18:10,165
Yep.
504
00:18:12,131 --> 00:18:15,024
The redneck ambulance
is a great choice.
505
00:18:15,048 --> 00:18:16,972
We can release a publicity shot
506
00:18:16,991 --> 00:18:19,768
of a bucktoothed hayseed
taking medicine
507
00:18:19,786 --> 00:18:21,481
for the first time in his life.
508
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,933
We can figure out
the photo later.
509
00:18:24,005 --> 00:18:25,436
Oh, I forgot!
510
00:18:25,462 --> 00:18:27,218
It's Fondue Friday. Yay!
511
00:18:27,224 --> 00:18:29,349
Yeah, also,
as President of the foundation,
512
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:30,699
I'm making a few changes.
513
00:18:30,738 --> 00:18:32,974
I'm giving up this office.
514
00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:34,830
And no more visits
from a masseuse
515
00:18:34,845 --> 00:18:36,321
or fancy lunches.
516
00:18:36,351 --> 00:18:37,702
It's way out of hand.
517
00:18:37,723 --> 00:18:40,897
Sweetie, all the money
we spend on the foundation
518
00:18:40,937 --> 00:18:42,387
is tax deductible.
519
00:18:42,405 --> 00:18:44,740
I know, and it's
a huge waste of money.
520
00:18:44,768 --> 00:18:47,106
I mean, there's plenty
of cheap office space around.
521
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:48,839
And I have an idea
522
00:18:48,858 --> 00:18:50,487
for how to use some
of the money we'll save.
523
00:18:50,521 --> 00:18:51,270
[Laughs]
524
00:18:51,289 --> 00:18:53,633
Get yourself
a matching nude portrait?
525
00:18:53,786 --> 00:18:55,920
- I can call the painter.
- Please don't.
526
00:18:56,614 --> 00:18:58,912
First, I'd like you all
to check under your chairs.
527
00:18:58,939 --> 00:19:02,272
I think you might be surprised
and excited by what you find.
528
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:03,872
- Is it chocolate?
- Even better.
529
00:19:03,903 --> 00:19:04,834
It's dirt.
530
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:07,632
The EPA has recently reviewed
our soil samples,
531
00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:09,550
and they determined
that we achieved,
532
00:19:09,577 --> 00:19:12,679
and I quote,
"Minimal acceptable standards."
533
00:19:12,874 --> 00:19:15,163
So...
not too shabby.
534
00:19:15,202 --> 00:19:16,796
Uh, Councilwoman Knope,
535
00:19:16,818 --> 00:19:19,386
you've claimed construction
will take 18 months,
536
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:21,581
but a source tells me
it will be much longer.
537
00:19:21,652 --> 00:19:23,991
I would--
I would deny that report.
538
00:19:24,018 --> 00:19:28,768
I've also learned that the EPA
found midi-chlorians in the soil.
539
00:19:28,807 --> 00:19:30,644
How serious is that, exactly?
540
00:19:30,732 --> 00:19:32,263
It's very serious, Kim.
541
00:19:32,351 --> 00:19:34,967
It's almost as serious
as email hacking,
542
00:19:35,143 --> 00:19:36,806
which is what
you have been doing to me
543
00:19:36,871 --> 00:19:38,087
for weeks.
544
00:19:38,424 --> 00:19:39,891
[Gasps]
545
00:19:39,923 --> 00:19:41,156
[Silence]
546
00:19:41,469 --> 00:19:43,407
I really thought
you guys would gasp there.
547
00:19:43,455 --> 00:19:45,689
That is a baseless accusation.
548
00:19:45,730 --> 00:19:47,886
Midi-chlorians
are a fictional substance
549
00:19:47,911 --> 00:19:50,745
found in the blood
of Jedi knights
550
00:19:50,784 --> 00:19:54,290
from the movie Star Wars
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.
551
00:19:54,308 --> 00:19:56,009
Which, side-note,
was a terrible movie.
552
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:58,046
It almost destroyed the franchise,
according to my husband.
553
00:19:58,076 --> 00:19:59,004
But that is neither here
nor there.
554
00:19:59,028 --> 00:20:01,449
The point is
I sent Councilwoman Knope
555
00:20:01,479 --> 00:20:04,452
the fake email about the EPA
finding midi-chlorians,
556
00:20:04,468 --> 00:20:05,502
an hour ago...
557
00:20:05,816 --> 00:20:06,845
As a trap.
558
00:20:06,884 --> 00:20:08,185
Into which you have fallen.
559
00:20:08,204 --> 00:20:09,492
Well...
560
00:20:09,871 --> 00:20:11,494
I have never seen Star Wars,
561
00:20:11,591 --> 00:20:14,556
because I was
too busy hooking up with guys.
562
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:15,732
Unlike you losers.
563
00:20:15,759 --> 00:20:18,966
[Guffaws] Uh, you wanna
compare numbers, Terlando?
564
00:20:19,073 --> 00:20:20,320
Get to steppin'.
565
00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:21,536
I would just like to point out
566
00:20:21,548 --> 00:20:23,775
that Kim Terlando
stole all of my jokes
567
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:26,476
for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,
and they were great jokes.
568
00:20:26,535 --> 00:20:28,792
So I spent the whole night
writing new ones.
569
00:20:28,804 --> 00:20:31,887
Lucky for you,
let's get... started.
570
00:20:31,909 --> 00:20:32,950
I'm very excited to be here.
571
00:20:32,975 --> 00:20:34,563
You know who else is excited
to be here?
572
00:20:34,602 --> 00:20:36,103
- Neve Campbell.
- Oh, boy.
573
00:20:36,142 --> 00:20:38,510
[As Campbell]
What a great party... of five.
574
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,131
All right, thank you, guys.
575
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,973
The point is, I could use someone
to help me at the foundation
576
00:20:43,996 --> 00:20:47,296
as a part-time assistant
but also an idea man.
577
00:20:47,334 --> 00:20:49,100
Might I suggest Tom?
578
00:20:49,255 --> 00:20:52,090
He loves ideas.
Also a man.
579
00:20:52,116 --> 00:20:55,342
What-- No, Andy,
I've already chosen the person.
580
00:20:55,375 --> 00:20:58,205
And it is not Tom...
581
00:20:59,738 --> 00:21:01,289
Then who is it?
582
00:21:01,822 --> 00:21:05,155
Well, he is, uh, sitting
right here in this courtyard.
583
00:21:08,688 --> 00:21:10,480
That guy?
Do you even know him?
584
00:21:10,505 --> 00:21:12,252
Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.
585
00:21:12,309 --> 00:21:15,437
I think you may have a knack
for charitable giving.
586
00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:17,404
Will you come work for me?
587
00:21:17,855 --> 00:21:20,417
Uh-oh. What's happening?
588
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:22,397
Oh.
589
00:21:22,667 --> 00:21:27,711
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