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Previously on Californication...
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It's time, Becca, time you stopped
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this funny business
and went back to school.
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No, I'm not doing that.
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There's a lot more, little missy,
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to being an artist
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than just altering your consciousness
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on a daily basis.
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Which is why I'm writing.
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How many pages you got?
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I'm closing in on three hundy.
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I hate you.
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If I'm gonna do this thing,
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get me the guy
who wrote the fucking book.
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- Do what?
- God Hates Us All.
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I fucking loved it, man.
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They're turning it
into a Broadway musical.
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You write the script,
I write the music and lyrics.
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Let's make a fucking masterpiece.
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Congratulations.
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You have made it to the next round.
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I'll give you one of daddy's
long, slow tongue baths.
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Men are the enemy.
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I advocate the use of a cock cage.
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Ophelia's gonna be so pissed at me.
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We have sex for the first time in years,
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and this is the first thing
to cross your mind?
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So how was the fucking fun zone?
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There was this one mom--
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- Did you do something with her?
- No!
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I'd know that bent
fucking chode anywhere.
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- Is that what I think it is?
- Sure is.
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Would you mind taking a look?
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Of course.
I'd be honored.
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- What are you doing?
- I'm studying your face.
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For the truth.
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You hate it.
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That's not true.
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Why would you say that?
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No.
No, no, no.
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I can see it on your face.
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Have you met me, Becca?
I could be hating
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on a million other things right now.
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Wow.
Thanks.
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Is it perfect?
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No, it's not,
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but first drafts rarely are, sweetheart.
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Okay.
So what are your notes?
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Okay, this is what I would do.
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I would take this draft,
and I would put it in a drawer--
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it doesn't have to be a real drawer,
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it could be
a virtual drawer--
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and then go out tonight
and celebrate its birth.
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You know, hoist
an alcoholic beverage or two.
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I will join you.
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And then, in the morning,
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you shut that drawer
and forget about it.
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And then you start on the next one.
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- The next one?
- Yeah.
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Well, what kind of note is that?
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A big one?
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- So it's a disaster.
- No, I didn't--
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No, not at all.
Not at all.
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You don't even think
I'm a writer, do you?
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I think you're a writer
if you keep on writing, Becca.
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Am I a writer?
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Well, I know that, when I saw
you read your pages here
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in the coffeehouse, I was--
I was proud of you.
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You saw me?
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Yeah.
Yeah, I snuck in
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and then out again unseen.
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I asked you not to come.
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I know, but you didn't really mean it.
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Yes, I did.
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Well, aren't you secretly
touched that I cared enough
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to disobey your wishes?
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Thanks for the destructive
criticism, dad.
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To be continued, sweetheart.
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One page at a time.
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I'm an asshole.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Ow.
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- Hey.
- Hi, Charlie.
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What's up?
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How come you haven't been
returning my calls,
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- my texts?
- Yeah, well, I think
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that I really took
a major step backward,
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and I disrespected my sheness.
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Your--wait.
Whoa, whoa, your what?
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I don't--
your--your "sheness"?
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I-I don't know
what the fuck that is.
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Is this--is this about
the Housewife Hannah thing?
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Because I'm sorry,
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but come on, you've been
to the fun zone, right?
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I mean, if somebody,
you know, offered you
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an ice cream cone in hell,
wouldn't you take it?
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You know you would.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Wow. His pictures
don't do him justice.
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- Oh, thank you.
- What a worm.
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I'm sorry?
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Yeah, you should be, you fucking creep.
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Okay, who is she,
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and why is she being so mean to me?
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Well, this is Ophelia Robins.
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Oh, this is Ophelia, the author.
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I'm--
Hey, congratulations.
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'Cause you've really created
quite a cult for yourself
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with those books out there, right?
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I'm Charlie Runkle, formerly of UTK.
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Very nice to meet you.
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How dare you offer me
that diseased appendage?
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She's very hostile.
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Well, I just--I can't see you
anymore, Charlie.
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- Why?
- Why?
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You've disrespected this woman
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time and time again.
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You've had your chance.
You blew it.
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- Go away.
- Okay, wait.
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I don't know who the fuck
you are, lady, okay,
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but you have no business
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- telling me what to do--
- How dare you raise
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- your voice to me?
- Uh-oh.
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And I bet you're probably
one of those guys
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who likes to raise his hand
to women too.
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No!
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I mean, unless she wants it.
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'Cause, you know, there are some women
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who sometimes want to be, you know,
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a little light slapping now and again.
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Some even like to have
their breasts slapped
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- a little bit--
- Ugh, God, he's even more
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of a monster
than I ever imagined, Marcy.
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- Let's go.
- Even you asked one time.
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- Don't!
- You asked me to!
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Marcy! Marcy!
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I'll call you.
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Je-sus.
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I have to schedule the deprogramming.
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How's the next Broadway smash
coming, buddy?
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Is it whiskey, weed, and Zevon time yet?
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Almost.
Just hold your bald horses.
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You're way past deadline, you know?
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Stu and Atticus were expecting
a draft weeks ago.
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Yes, I'm well aware, but I've been busy,
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you know, putting 'em off.
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You're not helping.
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Sorry.
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Jeez.
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How do you feel about it?
Is it any good?
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How the fuck should I know?
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I do like writing musicals, though.
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You just write a few pages,
and then somebody
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suddenly breaks into song,
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and I don't have
to worry about that part.
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Winning!
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I love musicals.
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Really?
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Since when?
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High school production of Guys and Dolls.
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The time of my young life.
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I fingered a girl for the first time
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- at the opening night party.
- Ooh.
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She was incredibly dry, Hank.
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I think I was hurting her.
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She cried.
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Oh.
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Nothing like a sweet, little
Chuck Runkle coming-of-age story
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to make you want
to stab yourself in the dick.
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Done.
Hit it!
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Whoo-hoo-hoo!
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Where's my weed?
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- We're out.
- Well, you can't
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really have whiskey, weed,
and Warren Zevon
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without the weed.
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I know.
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I'll pick some up on the way back.
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I'm making copies,
and I'm hand-delivering
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to Atticus and Stu.
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Yeah, because that's just the kind
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of simple-minded lackey
you are.
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Oh, oh, Hank?
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Karen is here,
and she does not look happy.
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Mm, what else is new?
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Hey.
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Peace out, bitches.
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What did you say to her?
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What did she say I said?
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She said that you said
it was a piece of shit
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and that she should throw it out
and start again.
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That is not what I said...
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exactly.
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Why would you do that?
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Why would you be so blunt?
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Why do you want to hurt her feelings?
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I didn't want to.
I didn't mean to.
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She kind of ambushed me.
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And she does need to throw that out
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and start again.
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It's a good lesson for a young scribe.
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You know, get all the bad shit
out of your system.
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She's way ahead of where I was
at that age.
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Oh, okay, good.
So did you tell her that?
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No, I didn't get a chance.
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She stormed off into a silent treatment.
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Just like her mom.
She gets that from you.
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Very effective.
Works every time.
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She stormed off
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because you don't know
how to talk to her.
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00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,069
I think I know how to talk
to my own daughter, Karen.
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00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,783
I don't think you do,
because if you did,
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she wouldn't be so depressed right now.
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00:08:45,607 --> 00:08:47,942
She's talking about going to law school.
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Really?
Awesome.
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00:08:49,745 --> 00:08:51,779
- That's awesome?
- Yeah.
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00:08:51,814 --> 00:08:53,881
Because if I can talk her
out of being a writer,
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00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:55,283
then she shouldn't be a writer.
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00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:56,417
Oh, why?
Because there's only room
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00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:58,052
for one writer in this family?
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00:08:58,087 --> 00:09:01,022
- Aww, you called us a family.
- Shut up.
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00:09:01,056 --> 00:09:02,957
No, because people who aren't writers
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00:09:02,991 --> 00:09:04,625
should not be writers, Karen.
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00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:07,528
- Does that make any sense?
- I can understand that.
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00:09:07,563 --> 00:09:10,098
What I don't understand
is how you can be so harsh
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00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:11,899
and so mean to someone you love.
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00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:13,501
You could save that shit
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00:09:13,569 --> 00:09:15,770
for when you have to go back
to teaching.
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00:09:15,804 --> 00:09:18,072
Ooh, who's being mean and harsh now?
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00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:21,576
There it is!
Storm off into silent treatment!
230
00:09:25,414 --> 00:09:27,248
Must be me.
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00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:41,996
Say, have you met
this Ophelia character?
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00:09:42,030 --> 00:09:44,432
Oh, she is a fucking fruitcake.
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I know.
She slapped me.
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00:09:46,301 --> 00:09:47,568
Oh, you think that's bad?
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00:09:47,603 --> 00:09:49,437
She had me in a fucking cock cage.
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00:09:49,471 --> 00:09:51,506
What is a cock cage?
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00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:54,075
It traps your penis
in its flaccid sta--
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00:09:54,109 --> 00:09:56,010
Ladies, enough
of your jibber-jabber.
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You haven't said anything
about the script.
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Have you even read it?
241
00:10:00,482 --> 00:10:01,983
I have.
242
00:10:02,017 --> 00:10:03,751
Okay.
What'd you think?
243
00:10:03,786 --> 00:10:07,922
It... was...
244
00:10:07,956 --> 00:10:09,524
very you.
245
00:10:09,558 --> 00:10:11,692
What the fuck does that mean?
246
00:10:11,727 --> 00:10:13,427
It's a little dark, Hank.
247
00:10:13,462 --> 00:10:15,496
Dark is what I do.
That's what you hired me for.
248
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,298
It's a Broadway musical, Hank.
249
00:10:17,332 --> 00:10:19,333
It's a rock opera,
and it's true to the book,
250
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:22,136
which is what Atticus wanted.
251
00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:25,973
Thank you for coming, everybody.
252
00:10:26,008 --> 00:10:27,108
Unfortunately, I have to go in a moment.
253
00:10:27,142 --> 00:10:28,676
I'm flying to London
254
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:32,146
to sit down with Eddie Nero
and Sir Bob Geldoff.
255
00:10:32,181 --> 00:10:35,383
We're talking about doing this
global relief concert thing.
256
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:36,717
It's, you know--
257
00:10:36,752 --> 00:10:38,219
speaking of relief,
258
00:10:38,253 --> 00:10:41,122
this is a fucking disaster.
259
00:10:41,156 --> 00:10:43,791
- What?
- It's shit, Hank.
260
00:10:43,826 --> 00:10:45,660
It's a fucking shambles.
261
00:10:45,694 --> 00:10:47,662
It's--
262
00:10:47,696 --> 00:10:48,996
it's bollocks.
263
00:10:49,064 --> 00:10:50,531
Um, I agree.
264
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,868
Hank, I'm sorry.
It needs work.
265
00:10:53,902 --> 00:10:55,837
Yeah, we're really gonna have
266
00:10:55,871 --> 00:10:57,371
to roll up our sleeves on this one.
267
00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:58,973
What the fuck
are you guys talking about?
268
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:00,975
It's a rock opera
with the tone of my book.
269
00:11:01,009 --> 00:11:02,543
That's what you wanted.
270
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,212
I don't even like the fucking book.
271
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:06,647
You said you loved it.
272
00:11:06,682 --> 00:11:09,383
Remember?
On your flying whorehouse?
273
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,985
Yeah, I remember, but when I said that,
274
00:11:11,019 --> 00:11:13,054
- I hadn't read it.
- So you lied?
275
00:11:13,088 --> 00:11:14,555
I wouldn't look at it like that.
276
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:15,690
I liked the title.
277
00:11:15,724 --> 00:11:16,724
It was quite striking.
278
00:11:16,758 --> 00:11:18,359
Titles mean a lot to me,
279
00:11:18,393 --> 00:11:20,161
but when I got around
to reading the fucking book,
280
00:11:20,195 --> 00:11:22,330
oh, my God, it's so depressing.
281
00:11:22,364 --> 00:11:26,000
It's like it's Dickensian
but not in a good way.
282
00:11:26,034 --> 00:11:28,002
The working classes want to leave
283
00:11:28,036 --> 00:11:31,272
a Broadway theater
feeling the way they feel
284
00:11:31,306 --> 00:11:32,707
when they leave one of my concerts.
285
00:11:32,741 --> 00:11:35,076
- With tinnitus?
- Happy, uplifted, inspired,
286
00:11:35,110 --> 00:11:36,577
preferably a little bit horny.
287
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,246
Yeah, well, that's very funny
288
00:11:38,313 --> 00:11:40,033
'cause I'm not feeling
very horny right now.
289
00:11:40,048 --> 00:11:41,949
Just homicidal maybe.
290
00:11:41,984 --> 00:11:44,452
Hank, we're gonna need you
to burn this draft,
291
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:46,687
just forget all about it.
292
00:11:46,722 --> 00:11:50,725
Chalk it up to a creative miscarriage.
293
00:11:50,759 --> 00:11:53,594
But when you get up tomorrow,
294
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,296
you take a fresh page,
295
00:11:55,330 --> 00:11:57,298
you put it in your typer,
296
00:11:57,332 --> 00:11:59,433
and you start a new one,
297
00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:04,472
one that hues closer
to the tone of the movie.
298
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:08,075
Can you do that?
299
00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:10,678
Otherwise, Aaron Sorkin
has expressed interest
300
00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:12,380
in working with Atticus.
301
00:12:12,414 --> 00:12:13,775
I hear he's quite good, isn't he?
302
00:12:13,782 --> 00:12:15,349
He's the best in the business.
303
00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:17,151
Just ask him.
304
00:12:17,185 --> 00:12:18,986
And he is a big admirer of your work.
305
00:12:19,021 --> 00:12:20,621
As I am of his.
306
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:22,590
This is bullshit.
307
00:12:22,624 --> 00:12:24,158
You know why, Hank?
308
00:12:24,192 --> 00:12:27,428
No, why?
309
00:12:27,462 --> 00:12:30,398
Because you can't handle the truth!
310
00:12:34,202 --> 00:12:35,436
That's so good.
311
00:12:49,151 --> 00:12:52,086
You think Hank'll be able
to pull a decent draft
312
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,121
- out of his ass?
- Sure, sure.
313
00:12:54,156 --> 00:12:56,757
Look, it's just--
it's his process, Stu, okay?
314
00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:58,292
He brings in something underwhelming,
315
00:12:58,327 --> 00:12:59,860
and then he knocks it out of the park.
316
00:12:59,895 --> 00:13:01,362
It's a classic bait-and-switch,
that's all.
317
00:13:01,396 --> 00:13:03,197
Right, right.
318
00:13:03,231 --> 00:13:04,832
And when has he ever done that exactly?
319
00:13:04,866 --> 00:13:06,701
You know what?
Enough about Hank.
320
00:13:06,735 --> 00:13:08,202
Look, I got a confession to make.
321
00:13:08,236 --> 00:13:09,971
Look, look, Runkle,
I know you are broke.
322
00:13:10,005 --> 00:13:11,539
I'm not going to lend you any money.
323
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:14,375
Don't be a fucking beggar.
It's unbecoming.
324
00:13:14,409 --> 00:13:16,544
I don't want your fucking money, Stu.
325
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:18,813
Oh, okay.
Cool.
326
00:13:18,847 --> 00:13:21,949
What is it then?
327
00:13:21,984 --> 00:13:23,384
I slept with Marcy the other night.
328
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,854
You did?
329
00:13:26,888 --> 00:13:28,689
You fucking dog.
330
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:29,857
Now I am jealous.
331
00:13:29,891 --> 00:13:32,426
Well, good for you, bro.
Up high.
332
00:13:32,461 --> 00:13:34,996
I'm still in love with her, Stu.
333
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:37,832
- Me too.
- So what are we gonna do?
334
00:13:37,866 --> 00:13:39,934
Well, I don't know
what you're going to do,
335
00:13:39,968 --> 00:13:42,036
but I am prepared to write you a check
336
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:44,905
- right this very instant.
- What?
337
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,273
You just said
you would never give me--
338
00:13:46,308 --> 00:13:48,409
I will not lend you a fucking dime,
339
00:13:48,443 --> 00:13:50,878
but I will pay you
not to pursue Marcy any longer.
340
00:13:50,912 --> 00:13:52,847
So how much you want?
341
00:13:52,881 --> 00:13:55,649
Give me a number.
342
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:58,886
I don't want your--
343
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,254
How much are you willing to pay?
344
00:14:00,288 --> 00:14:02,890
I would sign over my entire fortune
345
00:14:02,924 --> 00:14:04,658
if it meant I could have
that sweet and sour
346
00:14:04,693 --> 00:14:09,730
little firecracker back in my life.
347
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:12,033
Seriously?
348
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:13,768
This is crazy, Stu.
349
00:14:13,802 --> 00:14:16,070
No, no, no.
It ain't over till it's over.
350
00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:17,405
May the best man win,
351
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:19,573
and by "best" I mean the richest
352
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,575
and the most well-hung.
353
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,210
Okay, how do you propose we get past
354
00:14:23,245 --> 00:14:24,612
this Ophelia broad, huh?
355
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:26,013
She seems determined
to cock-block us
356
00:14:26,048 --> 00:14:27,548
at every turn.
357
00:14:27,582 --> 00:14:31,085
- We could have her killed.
- You think?
358
00:14:31,119 --> 00:14:32,586
Well, it's just a matter of money.
359
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:33,954
Now I don't know a guy,
360
00:14:33,989 --> 00:14:35,790
but I probably know a guy
who knows a guy.
361
00:14:35,824 --> 00:14:39,527
Solid plan,
but perhaps a little extreme.
362
00:14:39,561 --> 00:14:41,429
You know, maybe we talk to Marcy first.
363
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:43,297
You're right, Runkle.
364
00:14:43,331 --> 00:14:47,468
And if I know my favorite
pint-sized stoner chick,
365
00:14:47,502 --> 00:14:51,772
I bet she is running low on weed.
366
00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:03,884
Hank Moody.
367
00:15:03,919 --> 00:15:05,586
Long time no see.
368
00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:06,720
He's been working.
369
00:15:06,755 --> 00:15:09,256
Good.
Good to hear.
370
00:15:09,291 --> 00:15:11,459
Yeah, well, you had a lot
to do with it, lady.
371
00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:13,794
After our weekend in New York,
372
00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:15,229
I banged out a draft of that thing
373
00:15:15,263 --> 00:15:16,464
I'm doing with Atticus.
374
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,265
- It's what I do.
- Yeah.
375
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:20,768
How'd it go?
376
00:15:20,802 --> 00:15:23,471
I like it.
Others, not so much.
377
00:15:23,538 --> 00:15:25,239
They're--
378
00:15:25,273 --> 00:15:27,475
well, they're calling it
a creative miscarriage.
379
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:29,844
- Oh, God, no.
- Yeah.
380
00:15:29,878 --> 00:15:31,645
That is no way to talk
about our love baby.
381
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,747
It isn't.
And I wanted to ask you
382
00:15:33,782 --> 00:15:34,815
if you might take a read,
383
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,750
give me your notes.
384
00:15:36,785 --> 00:15:38,986
I don't know if you muse types
385
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:41,355
do that sort of thing,
but I'd appreciate it.
386
00:15:41,389 --> 00:15:44,225
Of course I do that.
387
00:15:44,259 --> 00:15:45,493
But only if you can handle the truth.
388
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,361
No, don't use that phrase.
389
00:15:47,395 --> 00:15:50,865
Okay.
390
00:15:50,899 --> 00:15:52,867
All right.
Yeah.
391
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,034
Grab a drink.
I'll read it.
392
00:15:54,069 --> 00:15:55,302
- Thanks.
- Take a swim.
393
00:15:55,337 --> 00:15:56,770
That--that sounds
pretty relaxing.
394
00:15:56,805 --> 00:15:59,106
Yeah. Or...
395
00:15:59,141 --> 00:16:00,374
we could have sex.
396
00:16:00,408 --> 00:16:02,676
You seem a little mopey.
397
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:05,112
Aw, baby!
398
00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:07,781
Poor you.
399
00:16:07,816 --> 00:16:10,618
Maybe we should combine the two.
400
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:22,730
Where is it?
401
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:24,798
- Hand it over.
- Oh, sit.
402
00:16:24,833 --> 00:16:26,867
Marcy, please.
403
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,369
I don't want to sit, Stu.
404
00:16:28,403 --> 00:16:29,537
I just want you to give me my weed,
405
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:30,838
so I can go home and smoke it.
406
00:16:30,872 --> 00:16:33,040
Sit down, Marcy.
Just hear us out.
407
00:16:33,074 --> 00:16:35,809
Oh, fuck, I knew that this
was a fucking setup!
408
00:16:35,844 --> 00:16:38,012
We are worried about you.
409
00:16:38,046 --> 00:16:40,648
This Ophelia broad
has you acting all loopy.
410
00:16:40,682 --> 00:16:43,584
Look, I know she comes off
a little intense...
411
00:16:43,618 --> 00:16:44,985
Oh!
412
00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:46,220
But her heart is in the right place,
413
00:16:46,254 --> 00:16:48,656
and she speaks the fucking truth.
414
00:16:48,690 --> 00:16:50,891
Marcy, the woman put me in a cock cage.
415
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,893
- Yeesh!
- You deserved it, Stu.
416
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,261
You betrayed our love.
417
00:16:54,296 --> 00:16:56,297
I did, and I will forever be sorry,
418
00:16:56,331 --> 00:16:59,099
but at what point can I take
the damn thing off?
419
00:16:59,134 --> 00:17:01,602
- You're still wearing it?
- Yes.
420
00:17:01,636 --> 00:17:03,204
I'm trying to prove that I'm deserving
421
00:17:03,238 --> 00:17:04,505
- of this woman's love.
- Doesn't it hurt?
422
00:17:04,539 --> 00:17:06,006
It's excruciating!
423
00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:08,008
Do you have the key, Marcy?
424
00:17:08,043 --> 00:17:11,011
No.
Only Ophelia has it,
425
00:17:11,046 --> 00:17:13,280
and she's the one who decides
when it comes off.
426
00:17:13,315 --> 00:17:16,784
This is ridiculous.
427
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,752
I'm still in love with you, Marcy.
428
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,087
I'm still in love with you.
429
00:17:20,121 --> 00:17:21,855
Yes, but we have a child together.
430
00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:25,092
True, but I am far more
capable of taking care of you,
431
00:17:25,126 --> 00:17:28,362
both financially and sexually,
432
00:17:28,396 --> 00:17:30,798
and I know what you are thinking
433
00:17:30,832 --> 00:17:32,666
at all times.
434
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,802
I mean, okay,
435
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,770
look at that pool table over there.
436
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:38,472
See, I know you are thinking,
437
00:17:38,506 --> 00:17:41,642
"Maybe we could play
Jodie Foster in The Accused."
438
00:17:41,676 --> 00:17:44,111
We had such fun together, Marcy.
439
00:17:44,145 --> 00:17:46,113
Our bedroom games were so delightful.
440
00:17:46,147 --> 00:17:47,781
See, there you go.
441
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,617
Now, I find that revolting.
442
00:17:49,684 --> 00:17:52,086
But it proves that you're
still in there somewhere.
443
00:17:53,755 --> 00:17:55,422
- I'm going.
- Wait!
444
00:17:55,457 --> 00:17:57,224
- Stay, Marcy!
- One drink, one drink.
445
00:17:57,259 --> 00:17:59,560
- One drink.
- One drink, one drink.
446
00:17:59,594 --> 00:18:01,095
Just hear a couple brothers out.
447
00:18:01,129 --> 00:18:03,097
Some appletini to start?
448
00:18:13,441 --> 00:18:15,843
What do you think?
You hate it, you hate it.
449
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:17,645
I can tell you hate it.
That's all right.
450
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,580
- I don't hate it.
- And that totally bums me out,
451
00:18:19,614 --> 00:18:21,115
- but then you could--
- I don't hate it.
452
00:18:21,149 --> 00:18:22,616
You could have pool sex with me again,
453
00:18:22,651 --> 00:18:25,352
and I'll maybe feel a little better.
454
00:18:25,387 --> 00:18:27,855
What do you think?
455
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:30,591
What do I think?
Um...
456
00:18:30,625 --> 00:18:33,327
- It's very dark.
- Uh-huh.
457
00:18:33,361 --> 00:18:34,928
Dark. Funny.
458
00:18:34,963 --> 00:18:36,630
- Funny-dark.
- Mm.
459
00:18:36,665 --> 00:18:38,966
And I do really get
what you're trying to do
460
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,001
as far as...
461
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,636
you're doing something
really different with it.
462
00:18:42,671 --> 00:18:44,238
I get that.
463
00:18:44,272 --> 00:18:45,272
But...
464
00:18:45,307 --> 00:18:48,676
But...
465
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,110
it doesn't have any heart.
466
00:18:50,145 --> 00:18:52,479
And if there is one thing
467
00:18:52,514 --> 00:18:54,481
that I know about you, Hank Moody,
468
00:18:54,516 --> 00:18:58,952
it's that you have a huge...
469
00:18:58,987 --> 00:19:00,621
heart.
470
00:19:02,757 --> 00:19:07,194
I think that maybe
you were posturing a little bit.
471
00:19:07,228 --> 00:19:08,762
- Eww.
- You know, you were trying
472
00:19:08,797 --> 00:19:10,631
to show the world
that you are not gonna write
473
00:19:10,665 --> 00:19:13,267
some fluffy Broadway musical.
474
00:19:13,301 --> 00:19:16,170
And I think, in the process
of doing that,
475
00:19:16,204 --> 00:19:19,740
maybe you forgot that it's still a story
476
00:19:19,774 --> 00:19:21,742
of boy meets girl.
477
00:19:21,776 --> 00:19:25,212
You know?
It's simple.
478
00:19:25,246 --> 00:19:28,415
I think I get that.
I do, I get it.
479
00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:32,886
Anyone can be cynical, Hank.
480
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,388
Dare to be an optimist.
481
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,895
You know it's all just a big can
of karmic whoop-ass anyway,
482
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,497
- you know?
- Mm-hmm.
483
00:19:43,531 --> 00:19:45,099
'Cause my daughter,
484
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,067
she just wrote her first novel,
485
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:49,636
and I was really fucking hard on her.
486
00:19:49,671 --> 00:19:51,705
Oh, you have to be really gentle
487
00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:54,007
with those little girls, Hank.
488
00:19:54,042 --> 00:19:57,211
God, my parents,
489
00:19:57,245 --> 00:19:59,380
they hit me pretty hard
once upon a time.
490
00:19:59,414 --> 00:20:00,514
I'm still smarting.
491
00:20:00,548 --> 00:20:02,816
About what?
What happened?
492
00:20:02,851 --> 00:20:04,785
Do you know Big Yellow Taxi?
493
00:20:04,819 --> 00:20:06,553
- No.
- By Joni Mitchell?
494
00:20:06,588 --> 00:20:08,555
No, I don't know
any Joni Mitchell songs.
495
00:20:08,623 --> 00:20:09,890
No? None?
496
00:20:09,924 --> 00:20:12,559
What self-respecting guy
knows any?
497
00:20:12,594 --> 00:20:17,698
♪ Don't it alw--
498
00:20:17,732 --> 00:20:20,401
♪ Don't it always seem to go ♪
499
00:20:20,435 --> 00:20:22,636
♪ that you don't know what you've got ♪
500
00:20:22,670 --> 00:20:24,371
♪ till it's gone
501
00:20:24,406 --> 00:20:28,041
♪ paved paradise and put up
a parking lot ♪
502
00:20:37,118 --> 00:20:39,553
I played that song
503
00:20:39,587 --> 00:20:41,889
at this stupid, little church social.
504
00:20:41,923 --> 00:20:43,257
Mm.
505
00:20:43,291 --> 00:20:45,392
I was obsessed with Joni Mitchell
506
00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:47,094
when I was a teenager.
507
00:20:47,128 --> 00:20:49,128
I wanted to be a lady
of the canyon when I grew up.
508
00:20:49,130 --> 00:20:50,264
Me too.
509
00:20:50,298 --> 00:20:51,999
We have so much in common.
510
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:56,470
And so I got together with this cute boy
511
00:20:56,504 --> 00:20:57,938
who played the guitar,
512
00:20:57,972 --> 00:21:02,443
and we practiced every day after school.
513
00:21:02,477 --> 00:21:06,780
And finally, the big day came,
514
00:21:06,815 --> 00:21:10,517
and we played our little hearts out,
515
00:21:10,552 --> 00:21:15,355
and, you know, he forgot a few chords,
516
00:21:15,390 --> 00:21:17,658
and I forgot a few words,
517
00:21:17,692 --> 00:21:21,161
- and my voice cracked and--
- Mm-hmm.
518
00:21:21,196 --> 00:21:23,464
But people clapped.
519
00:21:23,498 --> 00:21:26,767
- And I was so thrilled. Ah!
- Ah!
520
00:21:26,801 --> 00:21:28,936
- They kind of loved us.
- Yeah.
521
00:21:28,970 --> 00:21:32,139
And I went looking for my parents,
522
00:21:32,173 --> 00:21:33,941
and of course, all my mom had to say
523
00:21:33,975 --> 00:21:35,843
was that I looked like a slut up there.
524
00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:39,179
And my father said,
525
00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:41,949
"Don't quit your day job, kid."
526
00:21:41,983 --> 00:21:46,119
- Mm.
- Nice, huh?
527
00:21:48,857 --> 00:21:51,859
The whole thing was not a bust, however.
528
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:55,996
I lost my virginity
to that cute guitarist.
529
00:21:56,030 --> 00:22:00,067
- Oh.
- Yeah.
530
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:02,669
I think it's becoming a pattern.
531
00:22:02,704 --> 00:22:06,073
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
532
00:22:06,107 --> 00:22:08,041
Mm.
533
00:22:13,414 --> 00:22:17,150
♪ I heard that screen door slam ♪
534
00:22:17,185 --> 00:22:19,319
♪ and a big yellow taxi
535
00:22:19,354 --> 00:22:23,056
♪ took away my old man
536
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:27,694
- Oh!
- Oh-ho-ho!
537
00:22:27,762 --> 00:22:31,899
Ha.
Oh, take that, bitches.
538
00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:33,767
Mm.
539
00:22:33,801 --> 00:22:35,168
Marcy.
540
00:22:35,203 --> 00:22:36,470
Oh, my.
541
00:22:36,504 --> 00:22:38,338
I'm so disappointed in you.
542
00:22:38,373 --> 00:22:40,407
I mean, I'm not surprised.
543
00:22:40,441 --> 00:22:42,876
The road to sheness is long,
544
00:22:42,911 --> 00:22:44,411
and it's paved with potholes.
545
00:22:44,445 --> 00:22:48,682
Okay, that just makes no sense at all.
546
00:22:48,716 --> 00:22:50,384
You don't pave with potholes.
547
00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:51,685
You pave over potholes.
548
00:22:51,719 --> 00:22:53,554
It absolutely makes sense.
549
00:22:53,588 --> 00:22:57,190
It's in my third book, Menis to Society.
550
00:22:57,225 --> 00:23:01,128
M-e-n-i-s.
551
00:23:01,162 --> 00:23:03,263
Oh, catchy title.
And subtle.
552
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,699
And what have you written
that's changed lives,
553
00:23:05,733 --> 00:23:07,134
you pathetic, little simian?
554
00:23:07,168 --> 00:23:10,771
Marcy, let's go.
I'll drive you home.
555
00:23:10,805 --> 00:23:12,539
Wait one second, Ophelia.
556
00:23:12,574 --> 00:23:15,342
How did you even know
where I was just now?
557
00:23:15,410 --> 00:23:16,977
Oh, I tracked your iPhone.
558
00:23:17,011 --> 00:23:19,580
Oh.
559
00:23:19,614 --> 00:23:21,415
Okay, that's just--
What?
560
00:23:21,449 --> 00:23:23,617
That's so fucking weird.
561
00:23:23,651 --> 00:23:25,291
It's not that weird.
I mean, I've seen you
562
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,954
check your email, like, several times,
563
00:23:27,021 --> 00:23:28,956
and I happen to be very good
at recognizing keystrokes.
564
00:23:29,023 --> 00:23:31,892
And your password is distinctive
565
00:23:31,926 --> 00:23:33,894
and disgusting, and, you know,
566
00:23:33,928 --> 00:23:35,829
that's when I really realized
that we had a problem
567
00:23:35,863 --> 00:23:38,632
that was just much bigger
than I ever imagined.
568
00:23:38,666 --> 00:23:41,802
Oh, y-you're kidding.
It's not still...
569
00:23:41,836 --> 00:23:45,839
Oh, "I love my hubby's
big, fat cock," all one word.
570
00:23:45,873 --> 00:23:48,575
Yes, it is.
You must be so proud.
571
00:23:48,610 --> 00:23:51,845
Oh, I am, and you still care.
572
00:23:51,879 --> 00:23:54,448
Oh, I was too lazy to change it!
573
00:23:54,482 --> 00:23:55,882
Yeah, well, either way,
574
00:23:55,917 --> 00:23:57,618
- I am thrilled.
- And I'm nauseous.
575
00:23:57,652 --> 00:23:59,853
Marcy, are you ready to come home?
576
00:23:59,887 --> 00:24:02,322
You can spend the night at my house.
577
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,523
Okay, you know what?
578
00:24:03,558 --> 00:24:05,626
I think that you should let Marcy
579
00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:08,729
embrace her sheness
and make up her own mind
580
00:24:08,763 --> 00:24:10,931
where she wants to spend the night.
581
00:24:10,965 --> 00:24:12,799
You know, I heartily concur.
582
00:24:12,834 --> 00:24:14,868
Need I remind you, Stu,
583
00:24:14,902 --> 00:24:17,537
that I hold the key to your cock cage.
584
00:24:17,572 --> 00:24:19,139
Do you have it on your person?
585
00:24:19,173 --> 00:24:20,841
I'll write you a check
right this very instant.
586
00:24:20,875 --> 00:24:22,342
This is just ridiculous.
587
00:24:22,377 --> 00:24:24,444
Look, Marcy, you know what?
Don't worry.
588
00:24:24,479 --> 00:24:25,979
We will make sure you get home.
589
00:24:26,014 --> 00:24:27,614
Oh, are you gonna lay
your hands on her now?
590
00:24:27,649 --> 00:24:29,349
You want worse than you got yesterday,
591
00:24:29,384 --> 00:24:30,817
you slimy, little sea otter?
592
00:24:30,852 --> 00:24:32,052
What are you gonna do?
593
00:24:32,086 --> 00:24:33,286
You gonna slap me again, is that it,
594
00:24:33,321 --> 00:24:34,588
in front of all these people?
595
00:24:36,024 --> 00:24:38,125
Oh!
596
00:24:38,159 --> 00:24:40,627
Woman, you are a fucking fruitcake!
597
00:24:41,829 --> 00:24:43,563
Oh, my God!
Ophelia!
598
00:24:43,598 --> 00:24:45,465
What the fuck is the matter with you?
599
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,501
What? It's fine.
I stunned them, you know?
600
00:24:47,535 --> 00:24:49,836
Marcy, every woman should have
one of these puppies.
601
00:24:49,871 --> 00:24:52,639
It just totally neutralizes
the height-weight advantage.
602
00:24:52,707 --> 00:24:53,907
I'll get you one.
Let's go.
603
00:24:53,941 --> 00:24:55,475
No, man.
604
00:24:55,510 --> 00:24:57,511
This is too fucking weird.
You just go.
605
00:24:57,545 --> 00:24:59,780
You get out of here.
Go.
606
00:24:59,814 --> 00:25:02,249
Marcy.
607
00:25:02,283 --> 00:25:04,918
You're gonna regret this.
608
00:25:11,225 --> 00:25:13,193
Jesus.
Are you okay?
609
00:25:13,227 --> 00:25:14,561
What did that feel like?
610
00:25:14,595 --> 00:25:16,830
This table is all wet.
611
00:25:16,864 --> 00:25:20,500
Oh, gross.
You pissed your pants, Charlie.
612
00:25:20,535 --> 00:25:22,602
What?
No!
613
00:25:22,637 --> 00:25:25,072
Who pissed on my pants?
614
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:26,540
Who pissed on my pants?
615
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:45,759
Wow. I didn't take you
for a book burner.
616
00:25:45,793 --> 00:25:47,260
What else am I gonna do?
617
00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:48,929
It's a piece of shit.
618
00:25:48,963 --> 00:25:52,933
Ah. You might as well
throw another one on the pyre.
619
00:25:52,967 --> 00:25:54,868
- ♪ What's your story?
- What's that?
620
00:25:54,902 --> 00:25:57,404
It's the play
I was writing with Atticus.
621
00:25:57,438 --> 00:25:59,673
Apparently, it's not very good.
622
00:25:59,707 --> 00:26:01,041
They don't like it very much.
623
00:26:01,075 --> 00:26:02,609
- Really?
- Yeah.
624
00:26:02,643 --> 00:26:04,878
It happens to us literary lions too.
625
00:26:04,912 --> 00:26:07,614
How does that feel?
626
00:26:07,648 --> 00:26:09,382
Like getting shanked in prison.
627
00:26:09,417 --> 00:26:12,452
I would imagine.
628
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:15,422
You know, maybe you could read it for me
629
00:26:15,456 --> 00:26:17,557
and give me your thoughts?
630
00:26:17,592 --> 00:26:18,792
Why would you want my thoughts?
631
00:26:18,826 --> 00:26:20,227
I'm not a writer.
632
00:26:20,261 --> 00:26:22,429
Becca, you wrote a fucking novel.
633
00:26:22,463 --> 00:26:23,703
Do you know how amazing that is?
634
00:26:23,731 --> 00:26:25,165
Nobody your age is doing that.
635
00:26:25,199 --> 00:26:26,900
They're too busy texting,
636
00:26:26,934 --> 00:26:28,301
tweeting, and facebooking
637
00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:29,536
and feeling entitled to a life
638
00:26:29,537 --> 00:26:30,937
they don't want to work for.
639
00:26:30,972 --> 00:26:33,607
Way to slam an entire generation, dad.
640
00:26:33,641 --> 00:26:36,009
Thank you.
641
00:26:36,043 --> 00:26:40,180
And I'm sorry that you stormed off
642
00:26:40,214 --> 00:26:43,350
before I could give you
my notes, you know?
643
00:26:43,384 --> 00:26:45,418
You know what I really dug
about your work
644
00:26:45,453 --> 00:26:49,289
was the relationship
between the daughter
645
00:26:49,323 --> 00:26:51,024
and the asshole father.
646
00:26:51,058 --> 00:26:54,761
I mean, obviously you took
a lot of creative license there,
647
00:26:54,796 --> 00:26:56,496
but it felt authentic to me.
648
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:58,932
And I think, if you flesh it out,
649
00:26:58,966 --> 00:27:01,635
you could maybe turn it into a novella.
650
00:27:01,669 --> 00:27:04,237
- You think so?
- I do.
651
00:27:04,272 --> 00:27:07,174
And I'm sorry
that you walked away from me,
652
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:09,009
thinking that I didn't think
you were special,
653
00:27:09,043 --> 00:27:10,043
Becca, 'cause I do.
654
00:27:10,077 --> 00:27:12,946
I think you're so special.
655
00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:15,182
And I hope you don't go to law school
656
00:27:15,216 --> 00:27:16,950
'cause I don't think that's you,
657
00:27:16,984 --> 00:27:20,187
and I-I don't think
the world needs another lawyer.
658
00:27:20,221 --> 00:27:23,290
I'm not sure it needs
another writer either.
659
00:27:23,324 --> 00:27:25,725
Yeah, maybe not, but if you're doing
660
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,663
what you were born to do,
then that's a good thing.
661
00:27:29,697 --> 00:27:31,965
You know?
662
00:27:31,999 --> 00:27:34,167
- I guess.
- Yeah.
663
00:27:34,202 --> 00:27:36,970
Anybody can be cynical.
664
00:27:37,004 --> 00:27:39,639
Dare to be an optimist.
665
00:27:39,674 --> 00:27:42,709
Who are you right now?
666
00:27:42,743 --> 00:27:46,780
Just your asshole father.
Who else?
667
00:27:46,814 --> 00:27:48,882
Okay.
668
00:27:48,916 --> 00:27:51,751
I'll think about my next move.
669
00:27:51,786 --> 00:27:57,657
In the meantime, I'll read this.
670
00:27:57,692 --> 00:28:01,294
But I'm going to be brutal
with my thoughts, dad.
671
00:28:01,329 --> 00:28:04,097
I think you need some help
reaching a younger demographic.
672
00:28:04,131 --> 00:28:07,000
Fuck the younger generation.
673
00:28:07,034 --> 00:28:09,202
I just like you.
674
00:28:09,237 --> 00:28:13,373
♪ What's going on
in your mind? ♪
675
00:28:13,407 --> 00:28:18,445
♪ what's the story
that you're leaving behind? ♪
676
00:28:18,669 --> 00:28:28,980
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com