1
00:00:09,765 --> 00:00:11,799
(exclaiming)
2
00:00:16,038 --> 00:00:18,006
(school bell ringing)
3
00:00:20,643 --> 00:00:21,676
(Barney belches)
4
00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:23,694
(whistle blows)
5
00:00:23,712 --> 00:00:25,713
(yells)
6
00:00:25,738 --> 00:00:29,738
♪ The Simpsons 24x15 ♪
Black-Eyed, Please
Original Air Date on March 10, 2013
7
00:00:29,969 --> 00:00:31,302
(beeping)
8
00:00:31,327 --> 00:00:36,327
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
9
00:00:36,542 --> 00:00:38,660
(playing the blues)
10
00:00:39,695 --> 00:00:43,348
(playing the blues)
11
00:00:51,690 --> 00:00:52,890
(gunfire)
12
00:00:53,676 --> 00:00:54,993
(tires screeching)
13
00:00:58,580 --> 00:00:59,831
(horn honking, Grampa shouts)
14
00:01:03,335 --> 00:01:04,836
D'oh!
15
00:01:04,870 --> 00:01:06,037
(tires screeching)
16
00:01:06,071 --> 00:01:07,672
(grunts)
17
00:01:07,706 --> 00:01:09,240
(bluesy jazz music playing)
18
00:01:09,275 --> 00:01:11,242
(sirens wailing in distance)
19
00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:13,211
(sign buzzing)
20
00:01:13,245 --> 00:01:14,245
(clicking)
21
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:15,296
Hmm?
22
00:01:15,347 --> 00:01:17,181
(clicking)
23
00:01:21,553 --> 00:01:23,221
(scratching)
24
00:01:23,255 --> 00:01:25,523
(footsteps approaching)
25
00:01:25,557 --> 00:01:26,691
You little!
(gun cocks)
26
00:01:28,394 --> 00:01:29,427
(saxophone playing the blues)
27
00:01:29,461 --> 00:01:31,095
(gasps)
28
00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:33,765
(playing the blues)
29
00:01:33,799 --> 00:01:34,949
(shotgun cocks)
30
00:01:36,501 --> 00:01:40,738
(all growling)
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00:01:47,046 --> 00:01:48,212
(sighs)
32
00:01:48,247 --> 00:01:49,647
Mm?
(ice clattering)
33
00:01:49,682 --> 00:01:50,915
Hmm?
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00:01:50,949 --> 00:01:52,250
Mmm.
35
00:01:57,523 --> 00:01:59,540
(all gasp)
36
00:02:06,215 --> 00:02:07,715
(kids chattering)
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00:02:07,750 --> 00:02:09,150
Everybody out.
38
00:02:11,453 --> 00:02:13,955
Everybody in.
39
00:02:16,442 --> 00:02:17,542
Bathroom break!
40
00:02:17,576 --> 00:02:19,110
I spilled my pills!
41
00:02:19,144 --> 00:02:21,546
Music today
has no melody!
42
00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:22,580
(tires screech)
43
00:02:22,614 --> 00:02:24,349
Everybody out!
44
00:02:25,718 --> 00:02:27,652
Children, you can stop
writing letters of support
45
00:02:27,686 --> 00:02:29,687
to our troops;
that was just busywork.
46
00:02:32,391 --> 00:02:34,992
Now, I want to explain
Miss Hoover's absence.
47
00:02:35,027 --> 00:02:37,395
She is suffering from severe...
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00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:41,682
...depression.
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00:02:42,951 --> 00:02:44,285
(kids murmuring)
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00:02:44,319 --> 00:02:45,753
Not to worry,
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00:02:45,788 --> 00:02:47,772
she has been treated
with heavy doses of...
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00:02:47,806 --> 00:02:50,141
Lorazepam and other drugs
from the...
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00:02:50,175 --> 00:02:52,443
Benzodiazepine family.
54
00:02:55,681 --> 00:02:57,115
Now, until Miss Hoover returns,
55
00:02:57,149 --> 00:03:00,151
this class will be getting
a permanent substitute.
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00:03:00,185 --> 00:03:01,753
(excited chattering)
57
00:03:01,787 --> 00:03:04,155
Please let it be
someone smart, motivated,
58
00:03:04,189 --> 00:03:06,891
and who won't just teach us
corporate-sponsored lessons.
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00:03:08,694 --> 00:03:10,261
Lisa, without
corporate sponsorship,
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00:03:10,295 --> 00:03:12,063
we wouldn't be able to teach you
the three R's:
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00:03:12,097 --> 00:03:14,148
reading, refreshment
and Raspberry Buzz Lite.
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00:03:14,183 --> 00:03:15,650
Get your razz on!
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00:03:15,684 --> 00:03:17,204
(tires screech outside,
kids murmuring)
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00:03:20,422 --> 00:03:21,489
Confident,
65
00:03:21,523 --> 00:03:23,324
Vassar sticker
on the windshield.
66
00:03:23,358 --> 00:03:24,859
(gasps)
Could it be?
67
00:03:24,893 --> 00:03:27,028
Do I detect enthusiasm?
68
00:03:28,797 --> 00:03:30,665
She's brought
her own orrery!
69
00:03:30,716 --> 00:03:33,000
And it's got no Pluto!
70
00:03:33,051 --> 00:03:34,619
How cutting edge.
71
00:03:34,653 --> 00:03:36,721
Please be her,
please be her.
72
00:03:36,755 --> 00:03:38,189
Is this
Ms. Hoover's class?
73
00:03:38,223 --> 00:03:39,290
(quietly):
Score!
74
00:03:39,324 --> 00:03:41,626
Meet your new teacher,
Ms. Cantwell.
75
00:03:41,660 --> 00:03:44,228
Do not call her by
the obvious dirty nickname.
76
00:03:44,263 --> 00:03:45,630
Now I must meet with
77
00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:48,449
the new art teacher,
Mr. Testacleese.
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00:03:48,484 --> 00:03:49,450
(snickering)
79
00:03:49,485 --> 00:03:51,819
Lisa Simpson. Hi.
80
00:03:51,854 --> 00:03:53,821
As second grade
student-faculty liaison,
81
00:03:53,856 --> 00:03:55,990
I'd like to welcome you...
Get back in your seat.
82
00:03:56,024 --> 00:03:57,492
If I have any apples
that need polishing,
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00:03:57,526 --> 00:03:58,693
I'll let you know.
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00:03:58,727 --> 00:04:01,579
I understand there are
homework assignments.
85
00:04:01,613 --> 00:04:03,648
Mm.
86
00:04:03,682 --> 00:04:05,533
Well done, Ralpa.
87
00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:07,702
If I can't remember
the right letter,
88
00:04:07,736 --> 00:04:09,303
I just put an "A."
89
00:04:09,338 --> 00:04:11,072
Well, here's another one.
90
00:04:11,106 --> 00:04:15,209
Well, while you're grading
so generously, here's mine.
91
00:04:15,244 --> 00:04:16,744
"B."
92
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:18,713
As in, "because I say so."
(gasps)
93
00:04:20,749 --> 00:04:23,317
(Lisa groaning)
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00:04:23,352 --> 00:04:26,554
Nothing brings them around
like old cafeteria meatballs.
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00:04:26,588 --> 00:04:27,922
Meat?!
96
00:04:27,956 --> 00:04:30,525
(Lisa groaning)
97
00:04:30,559 --> 00:04:32,059
I thought you might
be cold, honey,
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00:04:32,094 --> 00:04:34,562
so I put this
chinchilla coat on you.
99
00:04:34,596 --> 00:04:35,596
Fur?!
100
00:04:35,631 --> 00:04:37,365
(gasps)
(chuckles)
101
00:04:37,399 --> 00:04:38,866
It's not really
chinchilla.
102
00:04:38,901 --> 00:04:41,302
I just thought she
needed more sleep.
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00:04:41,336 --> 00:04:43,371
(doorbell rings)
104
00:04:43,405 --> 00:04:44,872
Hey, Flanders.
105
00:04:44,907 --> 00:04:46,691
Can I borrow some sugar?
Sure.
106
00:04:46,725 --> 00:04:48,860
Uh, a little cream?
Goes with the sugar.
107
00:04:48,894 --> 00:04:50,795
Now if you could make with
some bacon and eggs,
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00:04:50,829 --> 00:04:51,896
I'll be on my way.
109
00:04:51,930 --> 00:04:53,264
(sighs)
110
00:04:53,298 --> 00:04:55,349
Why don't you come on in
and have breakfast with us?
111
00:04:55,384 --> 00:04:56,901
Are your kids
gonna be there?
112
00:04:56,935 --> 00:04:58,119
Eh, for a little bit.
113
00:04:58,153 --> 00:05:00,121
(sighs) Okay.
114
00:05:00,155 --> 00:05:02,106
Homer, you know my parents,
Capri and Nedward.
115
00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:03,574
Hey, hey, Homer J.
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00:05:03,609 --> 00:05:05,977
How many beers did
you kill today?
117
00:05:06,011 --> 00:05:07,478
(laughing)
118
00:05:07,513 --> 00:05:08,963
Dad, don't encourage him!
119
00:05:08,997 --> 00:05:12,066
Son, you are
the Mayor of Dullsville.
120
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,702
Now, you know we don't
discuss politics at the table.
121
00:05:14,736 --> 00:05:15,920
Hello, police?
122
00:05:15,954 --> 00:05:18,589
I'd like to report
a buzz-kill in progress.
123
00:05:18,624 --> 00:05:19,991
There's no
emergency here.
124
00:05:20,025 --> 00:05:22,293
And please charge us
for the false report.
125
00:05:23,529 --> 00:05:25,663
I'm going out for a power walk.
126
00:05:25,697 --> 00:05:28,499
Whoa, this room just got
a whole lot cooler.
127
00:05:28,534 --> 00:05:29,901
(laughter)
128
00:05:29,935 --> 00:05:31,035
(laughs):
Oh, man.
129
00:05:37,543 --> 00:05:38,943
(both sigh)
130
00:05:38,977 --> 00:05:41,746
Okay, children,
ten minutes of free play.
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00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:42,780
(kids chattering)
132
00:05:42,814 --> 00:05:44,148
I'm a fun factory.
133
00:05:47,286 --> 00:05:49,153
Lisa, free play.
134
00:05:49,187 --> 00:05:50,821
But I am playing.
135
00:05:50,856 --> 00:05:52,790
I'm hop-scotching
from paragraph to paragraph,
136
00:05:52,824 --> 00:05:55,459
climbing the monkey bars
of plot and theme.
137
00:05:55,494 --> 00:05:56,961
Ugh, bull-pie.
138
00:05:56,995 --> 00:05:59,130
You're trying to get
ahead of the other children.
139
00:05:59,164 --> 00:06:00,932
That's it,
you're losing joeys.
140
00:06:04,119 --> 00:06:05,519
Please keep them together.
141
00:06:05,554 --> 00:06:07,455
If not for me, for the mother.
142
00:06:09,825 --> 00:06:11,292
(gasps)
143
00:06:11,326 --> 00:06:14,495
Is it possible I've met
a teacher who doesn't like me?
144
00:06:14,529 --> 00:06:16,497
The joeys go in feet first.
145
00:06:16,531 --> 00:06:17,498
(chuckles)
146
00:06:17,532 --> 00:06:19,483
(gasps) Chauncey!
147
00:06:19,518 --> 00:06:20,952
(panting)
148
00:06:20,986 --> 00:06:23,204
Six miles, and I'm all smiles.
149
00:06:24,273 --> 00:06:25,773
Whew.
150
00:06:26,525 --> 00:06:27,792
Funyuns?
151
00:06:27,826 --> 00:06:28,859
Little Debbies?
152
00:06:28,894 --> 00:06:29,961
(sitar playing)
153
00:06:29,995 --> 00:06:31,228
That's cross-legged music.
154
00:06:31,263 --> 00:06:33,247
(laughter)
155
00:06:36,151 --> 00:06:38,119
Look at the size
of that bird.
156
00:06:38,153 --> 00:06:41,489
I'd go Henry VIII
on those drumsticks.
157
00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:43,324
Homer, I can't believe
158
00:06:43,358 --> 00:06:45,126
you're partaking with
my parents.
159
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,160
Yeah, it's medicinal.
160
00:06:46,194 --> 00:06:47,862
We had a pain in our neck.
161
00:06:47,896 --> 00:06:49,847
(laughter)
162
00:06:51,617 --> 00:06:53,618
(laughter continues)
163
00:07:00,892 --> 00:07:02,076
(grunts)
164
00:07:02,110 --> 00:07:03,894
I didn't know
you were left-handed.
165
00:07:03,929 --> 00:07:05,579
(groans)
166
00:07:12,254 --> 00:07:14,005
Homer, you'll need to
wear this eye patch
167
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,206
for a couple weeks.
168
00:07:15,241 --> 00:07:18,410
And, uh, you may never
see a film in 3-D again.
169
00:07:18,444 --> 00:07:19,961
(laughs)
170
00:07:19,995 --> 00:07:21,529
But the storytelling
171
00:07:21,564 --> 00:07:24,666
is finally catching up
to the technology.
172
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,017
Ned Flanders.
173
00:07:26,052 --> 00:07:29,020
I can't believe
you struck my husband.
174
00:07:29,055 --> 00:07:31,723
Marge, I've been
racked with guilt and pain.
175
00:07:31,757 --> 00:07:35,193
My mustache fell out;
this is a clip-on.
176
00:07:35,227 --> 00:07:36,227
Sorry, Homer.
177
00:07:36,262 --> 00:07:38,196
Now, do you mind
if I pray at your bedside?
178
00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:39,264
No, I don't.
179
00:07:39,298 --> 00:07:41,366
If you pray to Superman.
180
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:42,467
(chuckles)
181
00:07:42,501 --> 00:07:44,002
Not praying to a character
in a comic book.
182
00:07:44,036 --> 00:07:45,937
What about Christian
Archie comics?
183
00:07:45,971 --> 00:07:47,739
Neither canonical nor comical.
184
00:07:47,773 --> 00:07:49,374
Here, I'll get you started.
185
00:07:49,408 --> 00:07:51,943
Hail Superman, wearing tights,
186
00:07:51,977 --> 00:07:53,678
Clark Kent be thy name,
187
00:07:53,712 --> 00:07:55,947
one nation, under Zod...
188
00:07:55,981 --> 00:07:57,715
Not praying to Superman.
Grouch.
189
00:07:57,750 --> 00:08:00,085
Ned, Homie's a little
cranky right now.
190
00:08:00,119 --> 00:08:03,555
More than his eye,
I think you hurt his feelings.
191
00:08:03,589 --> 00:08:05,707
Give him one of your
famous murmurs, Marge.
192
00:08:05,741 --> 00:08:07,208
My what?
Your famous murmur.
193
00:08:07,243 --> 00:08:09,561
You know. (murmurs)
194
00:08:09,595 --> 00:08:11,729
I never made
that noise in my life!
195
00:08:11,764 --> 00:08:13,231
(murmurs)
196
00:08:13,265 --> 00:08:14,232
Thanks, Flanders.
197
00:08:14,266 --> 00:08:15,767
Punch my eye,
destroy my marriage.
198
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:17,969
Now just pull the plug
and let me die!
199
00:08:18,003 --> 00:08:19,537
That's the plug
for the light.
200
00:08:19,572 --> 00:08:21,573
(imitating flatline)
201
00:08:21,607 --> 00:08:22,907
(sighs)
202
00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:29,380
(yawns)
203
00:08:29,415 --> 00:08:33,218
Neddy, I know you feel guilty
about coldcocking Homer.
204
00:08:33,252 --> 00:08:34,819
Please don't use
that word in bed.
205
00:08:34,854 --> 00:08:35,820
(groans)
206
00:08:35,855 --> 00:08:37,822
You need to get
some sleep.
207
00:08:37,857 --> 00:08:38,890
(sighs)
208
00:08:38,924 --> 00:08:40,458
Dare I take another sleep aid?
209
00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:42,627
(sighs)
210
00:08:42,661 --> 00:08:44,662
Better not take a full dose.
211
00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:49,968
Mmm. See you in eight hours.
212
00:08:50,002 --> 00:08:51,069
(snoring)
213
00:08:51,103 --> 00:08:54,739
(groaning)
214
00:08:54,773 --> 00:08:58,293
(gasping)
215
00:08:58,344 --> 00:08:59,761
(screams)
216
00:09:01,797 --> 00:09:03,264
(gate creaks)
217
00:09:03,299 --> 00:09:04,966
Was this always waiting for me,
218
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,451
or was it recently
thrown together?
219
00:09:06,485 --> 00:09:08,019
That's what I want to know.
220
00:09:08,053 --> 00:09:10,772
MALE VOICES:
♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly
221
00:09:10,806 --> 00:09:13,591
♪ Welcome neighborino
222
00:09:13,626 --> 00:09:15,360
♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly
223
00:09:15,394 --> 00:09:16,961
♪ Welcome neighborino
224
00:09:18,898 --> 00:09:22,283
Down here, we worship
famous atheist Richard Dawkins,
225
00:09:22,318 --> 00:09:25,153
author of The God Delusion!
226
00:09:25,187 --> 00:09:27,355
(laughs maniacally)
227
00:09:27,389 --> 00:09:30,124
I'm making Catholic
saint stew.
228
00:09:30,159 --> 00:09:31,509
(gasping)
229
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:38,566
(gasps)
230
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,841
No, not Surf 'n Murph.
231
00:09:46,876 --> 00:09:48,042
(screams)
232
00:09:50,579 --> 00:09:52,881
The answer to my woe
must be in here.
233
00:09:52,915 --> 00:09:53,915
♪ Whoo
234
00:09:53,949 --> 00:09:55,683
♪ Let's get it on
235
00:09:55,718 --> 00:09:56,951
Nope, not that.
236
00:09:56,986 --> 00:09:58,953
Not to my taste.
237
00:09:58,988 --> 00:10:00,655
Flag that for later.
238
00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:02,123
Finally.
239
00:10:02,157 --> 00:10:05,059
I know what I must do.
240
00:10:05,094 --> 00:10:07,629
(school bell ringing)
241
00:10:07,663 --> 00:10:09,564
(sighs)
242
00:10:09,598 --> 00:10:11,199
Ms. Cantwell?
Yes?
243
00:10:11,233 --> 00:10:12,834
Why are you so mean to me?
244
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:13,935
You really want to know?
245
00:10:13,969 --> 00:10:16,471
More than I want unicorns
to be real.
246
00:10:16,505 --> 00:10:18,539
Well, if you guess,
I'll give you extra credit.
247
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:19,807
I remind you of you?
248
00:10:19,842 --> 00:10:21,009
Now you've got a demerit.
249
00:10:21,043 --> 00:10:22,844
This class
doesn't give demerits.
250
00:10:22,878 --> 00:10:24,712
Now it does,
and you just got another one.
251
00:10:24,747 --> 00:10:26,080
What if I homeschool?
252
00:10:26,115 --> 00:10:27,916
You're bluffing;
I've driven by your home.
253
00:10:27,950 --> 00:10:29,417
(gasps)
254
00:10:29,451 --> 00:10:31,219
Principal Skinner...
255
00:10:31,253 --> 00:10:32,520
Not now.
256
00:10:32,554 --> 00:10:34,188
I'm dealing with
Mr. Testacleese.
257
00:10:34,223 --> 00:10:36,424
Look, kids can be
cruel, Dick.
258
00:10:36,458 --> 00:10:37,992
NELSON:
Ha-ha!
259
00:10:38,027 --> 00:10:40,461
(singsong): We don't know
when we've gone too far!
260
00:10:42,498 --> 00:10:44,065
(growls)
261
00:10:46,435 --> 00:10:49,404
"Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally
are on the Ferris wheel.
262
00:10:49,438 --> 00:10:50,972
"Ann is behind Sally.
263
00:10:51,006 --> 00:10:52,523
Mark is
in front of Bill."
264
00:10:52,558 --> 00:10:53,591
(gasps)
265
00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:55,526
Look who's on the Ferris wheel.
266
00:10:55,561 --> 00:10:57,845
Your precious joeys!
267
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,081
(laughs maniacally)
268
00:11:03,269 --> 00:11:05,236
(panting)
269
00:11:05,271 --> 00:11:08,239
Better switch to social studies.
270
00:11:08,274 --> 00:11:11,359
"Eleanor Roosevelt became
Franklin's eyes and ears and..."
271
00:11:11,393 --> 00:11:12,694
(gasps)
272
00:11:12,728 --> 00:11:15,029
Here's the new
deal: you fail!
273
00:11:15,064 --> 00:11:17,081
(cackling)
274
00:11:21,737 --> 00:11:23,137
(groans)
275
00:11:23,172 --> 00:11:24,472
(grunts) Oh!
276
00:11:24,506 --> 00:11:26,074
I wish you wouldn't
wear sweaters
277
00:11:26,108 --> 00:11:27,642
that the senior
ladies knit.
278
00:11:27,676 --> 00:11:29,310
Well, putting my arms
in sleeves
279
00:11:29,345 --> 00:11:31,713
is about all I got
to offer a woman.
280
00:11:31,747 --> 00:11:33,047
(groans):
Oh.
281
00:11:33,082 --> 00:11:34,882
What's the matter, sweetie?
282
00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:37,618
Is a book character
having difficulties?
283
00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:39,320
I have a bully at school.
284
00:11:39,355 --> 00:11:41,456
Oh. Did you tell the teacher?
285
00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:43,825
My bully is my teacher.
286
00:11:43,859 --> 00:11:45,960
A teacher can't be a bully.
287
00:11:45,995 --> 00:11:47,929
Oh, they sure can!
288
00:11:47,963 --> 00:11:49,497
When I was a boy,
289
00:11:49,531 --> 00:11:51,599
teachers would rap my knuckles
with a yardstick.
290
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:55,269
Now you've got
the metric system.
291
00:11:55,304 --> 00:11:57,105
We don't have the metric system.
292
00:11:57,139 --> 00:11:59,173
What? This isn't Sweden?
293
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:00,942
And I'm not King Olaf?
294
00:12:00,976 --> 00:12:04,545
Oh, I got some explaining to do
down at the bank.
295
00:12:07,449 --> 00:12:09,417
CHALMERS:
Skinner!
296
00:12:09,451 --> 00:12:10,852
Why am I here?
297
00:12:10,886 --> 00:12:13,321
Did this fat boy injure his eye
in shop class?
298
00:12:13,355 --> 00:12:14,922
That place is a killing field.
299
00:12:14,957 --> 00:12:16,290
We're here because
300
00:12:16,325 --> 00:12:19,027
our daughter is being
bullied by your teacher.
301
00:12:19,061 --> 00:12:21,129
Mrs. Simpson, this school
does not hire bullies.
302
00:12:21,163 --> 00:12:22,330
That's right. We...
303
00:12:22,364 --> 00:12:23,631
Quiet, nerd!
304
00:12:23,665 --> 00:12:25,266
Well, she's just a substitute.
305
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:28,302
Maybe you could transfer
Ms. Cantwell to another school.
306
00:12:28,337 --> 00:12:30,505
Nix. She's already got
two weeks tenure,
307
00:12:30,539 --> 00:12:32,974
so she's impossible to dislodge.
308
00:12:33,008 --> 00:12:34,809
I hate unions.
309
00:12:34,843 --> 00:12:37,378
There's this guy at my plant,
caused three meltdowns,
310
00:12:37,413 --> 00:12:39,347
and he still
keeps his job.
311
00:12:39,381 --> 00:12:40,481
Homer, that's you.
312
00:12:40,516 --> 00:12:41,682
Oh, yeah.
313
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,785
(chanting): I say,
"Union," you say, "Power"!
314
00:12:43,819 --> 00:12:44,786
Union!
Power.
315
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:46,354
Union!
Power.
316
00:12:46,388 --> 00:12:48,856
(quietly): Marge, you're really
dogging it on the "power."
317
00:12:48,891 --> 00:12:50,024
But don't worry.
318
00:12:50,059 --> 00:12:52,860
Because of the
union, you're safe.
319
00:12:52,895 --> 00:12:55,196
So, just what are you
gonna do for our daughter?
320
00:12:55,230 --> 00:12:57,732
We should talk about what
we're going to promise to do,
321
00:12:57,766 --> 00:12:59,067
not what we'll actually do.
322
00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:01,402
We really
appreciate that.
323
00:13:01,437 --> 00:13:02,437
(murmurs)
324
00:13:02,471 --> 00:13:03,771
(bird squawks)
325
00:13:04,807 --> 00:13:06,407
Look at those eyes.
326
00:13:06,442 --> 00:13:09,010
There's an employee with a
healthy case of the go-get-'ems.
327
00:13:09,044 --> 00:13:10,411
(snoring)
328
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:13,297
Hear that lion's roar
of determination.
329
00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:16,567
Homer, Homer, I
found the answer!
330
00:13:16,602 --> 00:13:17,635
Wha...? Huh?
331
00:13:17,669 --> 00:13:19,537
Flanders.
How did you get in here?
332
00:13:19,571 --> 00:13:21,839
This place is
a highly-sensitive area.
333
00:13:21,874 --> 00:13:24,492
Who here wants
to touch radiation?
334
00:13:24,526 --> 00:13:28,196
"Life shall go for life, eye
for an eye, tooth for a tooth."
335
00:13:28,230 --> 00:13:31,232
Hey, I don't go to where you
work and read the Bible to you.
336
00:13:31,266 --> 00:13:33,234
I would embrace
such a glad visit.
337
00:13:33,268 --> 00:13:34,502
Just what do you want?
338
00:13:34,553 --> 00:13:36,888
I want you to punch
me in the eye.
339
00:13:36,922 --> 00:13:38,339
If you do, then
we're even,
340
00:13:38,390 --> 00:13:40,625
according to Exodus,
Leviticus and Matthew.
341
00:13:40,659 --> 00:13:42,560
You went and hired
a law firm, eh?
342
00:13:42,594 --> 00:13:44,061
That's pretty aggressive.
343
00:13:44,096 --> 00:13:46,297
(sighs)
Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper!
344
00:13:46,331 --> 00:13:47,932
Come on, man.
What's the catch?
345
00:13:47,966 --> 00:13:50,067
Homer, just call me
a little bubble,
346
00:13:50,102 --> 00:13:51,569
'cause I'm on the level.
347
00:13:51,603 --> 00:13:52,570
Punch me.
348
00:13:52,604 --> 00:13:55,289
Hmm.
349
00:13:59,261 --> 00:14:00,761
Come on, Homer.
350
00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,497
I'm insisting
on a fisting.
351
00:14:02,531 --> 00:14:04,432
What's this
about a fisting?
352
00:14:04,466 --> 00:14:05,933
I'm not punching you,
Flanders.
353
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:07,201
What? Why?
354
00:14:07,236 --> 00:14:09,470
Because if I hit you back,
we'll be even.
355
00:14:09,505 --> 00:14:13,808
But if I don't hit you,
that makes me the better man.
356
00:14:13,842 --> 00:14:16,461
And I'm liking the way
that feels.
357
00:14:16,495 --> 00:14:17,862
No, you can't.
358
00:14:17,896 --> 00:14:20,331
If I'm not as good as you,
then I'm horrible!
359
00:14:20,365 --> 00:14:22,433
It's not for me
to judge, Ned, because...
360
00:14:22,468 --> 00:14:24,168
I am the better man!
361
00:14:24,203 --> 00:14:26,323
Now, there's no need to...
Better man, coming through!
362
00:14:26,355 --> 00:14:29,190
Way better-better-better!
Way better-better-better!
363
00:14:29,224 --> 00:14:30,291
Zing!
364
00:14:30,325 --> 00:14:31,559
Enough.
365
00:14:31,593 --> 00:14:33,494
You may be the sweater man,
but Homer is the better man.
366
00:14:33,529 --> 00:14:35,112
Now you're rhyming?!
367
00:14:35,147 --> 00:14:36,113
Oh!
368
00:14:36,148 --> 00:14:38,516
I didn't know
you were left-handed.
369
00:14:44,241 --> 00:14:45,169
Hello, Lisa.
370
00:14:45,170 --> 00:14:47,171
I was shocked to hear
from Principal Skinner
371
00:14:47,205 --> 00:14:49,240
that you and I
aren't getting along.
372
00:14:49,274 --> 00:14:51,475
You should never tell
on a bully, Lisa.
373
00:14:51,510 --> 00:14:53,010
Everyone knows that.
374
00:14:55,047 --> 00:14:56,414
Lisa Simpson?!
375
00:14:56,448 --> 00:14:57,815
In detention?
376
00:14:57,849 --> 00:14:59,917
Every rap sheet
has a first line.
377
00:14:59,952 --> 00:15:02,219
What are you in for,
murdering Chopin?
378
00:15:02,254 --> 00:15:03,654
(laughter)
379
00:15:03,689 --> 00:15:05,523
Chopin.
380
00:15:05,557 --> 00:15:07,008
Can I ask you guys something?
381
00:15:07,042 --> 00:15:09,143
Why does someone become a bully?
382
00:15:09,177 --> 00:15:10,711
Neglect.
Abuse.
383
00:15:10,746 --> 00:15:12,380
I'm a Cubs fan.
384
00:15:12,414 --> 00:15:14,849
But why would my teacher
be a bully?
385
00:15:14,883 --> 00:15:16,384
What? Huh?
I don't know.
386
00:15:16,418 --> 00:15:18,019
Your bully's
a teacher?
387
00:15:18,053 --> 00:15:21,222
That means
all of us can be teachers.
388
00:15:21,256 --> 00:15:22,256
Boo-yah!
389
00:15:22,291 --> 00:15:24,692
I'm gonna buy me
a Hyundai Elantra!
390
00:15:24,726 --> 00:15:26,427
Oh, cool!
Whoa!
391
00:15:26,461 --> 00:15:27,812
(sighs):
Oh.
392
00:15:30,766 --> 00:15:32,033
Do not cross.
393
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,902
It is that monster that
terrorizes the jolly fat man!
394
00:15:34,936 --> 00:15:37,238
Come on, people.
You're safe as Sunday with me.
395
00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:39,607
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
396
00:15:39,641 --> 00:15:42,076
(coughing, gagging)
397
00:15:42,110 --> 00:15:43,544
I saw the whole thing!
398
00:15:43,578 --> 00:15:47,048
That innocent fly
flew from that fresh pile
399
00:15:47,082 --> 00:15:50,351
of dog feces right into
that monster's mouth!
400
00:15:50,385 --> 00:15:51,619
(spits)
401
00:15:51,670 --> 00:15:52,903
Fear not, people.
402
00:15:52,921 --> 00:15:55,306
I will lead you safely across.
403
00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:56,791
(horn honking)
404
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:57,925
MAN:
Idiot!
405
00:15:57,959 --> 00:15:59,377
(high-pitched voice):
Help me, Flanders.
406
00:15:59,411 --> 00:16:00,795
(sighs)
407
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,714
Never get into Heaven.
408
00:16:03,749 --> 00:16:06,100
Took harp lessons for nothing.
409
00:16:06,134 --> 00:16:08,035
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
And here comes the tarp.
410
00:16:08,070 --> 00:16:11,405
The word "tarp," of course,
is short for "tarpaulin,"
411
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,574
which Wikipedia defines
as a strong,
412
00:16:13,608 --> 00:16:15,910
resilient,
water-resistant material.
413
00:16:15,944 --> 00:16:18,379
That definition is a hit
with no errors!
414
00:16:18,413 --> 00:16:20,114
What's wrong, sweetie?
415
00:16:20,148 --> 00:16:22,750
My teacher's
still bullying me.
416
00:16:22,784 --> 00:16:24,218
Even after we came to school?
417
00:16:24,252 --> 00:16:25,653
(sniffles)
418
00:16:25,687 --> 00:16:27,321
That just
made it worse.
419
00:16:27,356 --> 00:16:29,423
Oh, every time
I try to fix things,
420
00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:31,258
it just makes things worse.
421
00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:33,427
But I'm gonna fix this.
422
00:16:33,462 --> 00:16:35,629
Uh-huh.
423
00:16:35,664 --> 00:16:37,765
I think I have an idea.
424
00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:42,136
Now there's a baby duck
paddling around on the tarp.
425
00:16:42,170 --> 00:16:45,840
You think they move those legs
one at a time or both at once?
426
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:47,758
ANNOUNCER 2: Oh, I'd go with
one at a time, Vic.
427
00:16:47,793 --> 00:16:50,161
ANNOUNCER: You know, the great
Mel Ott used to raise ducks
428
00:16:50,195 --> 00:16:51,862
in Louisiana
during the off-season.
429
00:16:51,897 --> 00:16:53,397
And when a duck got sick,
430
00:16:53,432 --> 00:16:56,434
he would take it to bed with him
till it got well.
431
00:16:56,468 --> 00:16:57,435
Mm-hmm.
432
00:16:57,469 --> 00:16:59,937
(doorbell rings)
433
00:16:59,971 --> 00:17:02,807
Flanders, I've come
to forgive you.
434
00:17:02,841 --> 00:17:04,975
Oh, my prayers
have been answered!
435
00:17:05,010 --> 00:17:06,844
Well, actually,
just this one.
436
00:17:06,878 --> 00:17:09,547
Uh, there is one condition.
437
00:17:09,581 --> 00:17:10,815
You want to hit me.
438
00:17:10,849 --> 00:17:12,349
Well, sir, here's
a roll of quarters
439
00:17:12,384 --> 00:17:14,351
to put in your fist for
extra punching power.
440
00:17:14,386 --> 00:17:15,826
Now, you can shatter
my orbital bone.
441
00:17:15,854 --> 00:17:17,488
That'll knock the
wax off my candle.
442
00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:19,056
Don't want to hit you.
443
00:17:19,091 --> 00:17:20,491
I want your wife.
444
00:17:20,525 --> 00:17:21,659
(gasps)
445
00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:26,697
To elaborate,
I want your wife, the teacher,
446
00:17:26,702 --> 00:17:28,897
to help get rid
of Lisa's substitute.
447
00:17:29,065 --> 00:17:31,399
Edna? You know how you said
you could help me
448
00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:33,802
with any desire,
and nothing was forbidden?
449
00:17:33,836 --> 00:17:36,705
Well, sir, I want you
to rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
450
00:17:36,739 --> 00:17:38,373
Ooh.
451
00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:40,825
Well, there's only one
way: the nuclear option.
452
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,394
How much plutonium
do you want?
453
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:43,962
Got to warn you,
454
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,364
it might take me
20 minutes to get it.
455
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,638
Ms. Cantwell?
Yes?
456
00:17:53,672 --> 00:17:56,307
I have a new student
for your class.
457
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:59,277
(demonic voices singing)
458
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:00,145
Yo.
459
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:02,113
Yes, this is
a very rare
460
00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:03,982
mid-year two-grade
send-back.
461
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,117
Something's fishy.
Are you dating this boy?
462
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:07,619
Right.
463
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:10,021
I can't be around him
'cause he's so delicious.
464
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,189
(laughs)
465
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:14,626
Well, I can't see
what harm one kid could do.
466
00:18:25,921 --> 00:18:29,407
When I come out of this,
I'll be a butterfly.
467
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,444
(lawnmower whirring)
468
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:34,512
I just went to the bathroom
for two minutes.
469
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,648
I know.
Posted a video online.
470
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:39,834
Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa,
stupid Lisa.
471
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,202
Okay, you've won.
472
00:18:41,237 --> 00:18:42,604
You've driven
me out of this
473
00:18:42,638 --> 00:18:45,173
plum substitute
teaching job.
474
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,992
Ms. Cantwell,
I can make this stop.
475
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:50,495
All you have to do is like me.
476
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,263
I... I can't.
477
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,301
Wait, wait.
478
00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:57,702
There's no need to leave.
479
00:18:57,736 --> 00:18:59,821
You showed up before the
students; that's all we asked.
480
00:18:59,855 --> 00:19:02,573
You two are the worst-dressed
gay men I've ever met.
481
00:19:02,591 --> 00:19:03,574
(tires screeching)
482
00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:05,243
Ms. Cantwell, wait!
483
00:19:05,261 --> 00:19:07,178
I've got to know
before you leave.
484
00:19:07,213 --> 00:19:08,797
Why don't you like me?
485
00:19:08,831 --> 00:19:11,015
Lisa, sometimes you just
don't like a person.
486
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,017
There's no logical
explanation.
487
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,302
It just is.
488
00:19:14,336 --> 00:19:16,437
That is so unsatisfying.
489
00:19:16,472 --> 00:19:17,438
(sighs)
490
00:19:17,473 --> 00:19:18,740
Here we go.
491
00:19:18,774 --> 00:19:20,875
If you don't get what you want,
you get all pouty.
492
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,677
All you pretty girls
are the same.
493
00:19:22,711 --> 00:19:24,179
You think I'm pretty?
494
00:19:24,213 --> 00:19:26,748
Right, like you don't get told
that every day of your life,
495
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,149
with your perfect blonde hair,
496
00:19:28,184 --> 00:19:31,252
that Kewpie doll voice
that drives the boys crazy.
497
00:19:31,287 --> 00:19:33,588
And what eight-year-old
wears pearls?
498
00:19:33,622 --> 00:19:37,025
Bookworms like me can't
stand party girls like you.
499
00:19:37,059 --> 00:19:39,994
She hates me
because I'm pretty!
500
00:19:40,029 --> 00:19:41,913
(whoops)
501
00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:44,182
Not so pretty now,
are you?
502
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,151
Can you sign my yearbook?
503
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,520
I'm glad the only
beef between us
504
00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:49,687
is this burger.
505
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:52,023
Mm, they sure are
getting along.
506
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,758
(laughs)
They don't know it,
507
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:56,261
but I slipped a
little (whistles)
508
00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:59,464
into the brownies
I gave them.
509
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:02,100
How long has it been since
we prayed together, neighbor?
510
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,201
This is praying?
511
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:05,003
Let me out of here!
(whimpering)
512
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:10,004
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
513
00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:12,039
(whimpering) Help me, God.
514
00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:56,210
Shh!