1
00:00:26,599 --> 00:00:28,633
(exclaiming)
2
00:00:33,185 --> 00:00:35,153
(school bell ringing)
3
00:00:37,477 --> 00:00:38,510
(Barney belches)
4
00:00:39,368 --> 00:00:40,532
(whistle blows)
5
00:00:40,546 --> 00:00:42,458
(yells)
6
00:00:42,572 --> 00:00:46,572
♪ The Simpsons 24x15 ♪
Black-Eyed, Please
Original Air Date on March 10, 2013
7
00:00:46,728 --> 00:00:48,061
(beeping)
8
00:00:48,117 --> 00:00:53,117
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
9
00:00:53,376 --> 00:00:55,494
(playing the blues)
10
00:00:56,366 --> 00:01:00,019
(playing the blues)
11
00:01:08,374 --> 00:01:09,574
(gunfire)
12
00:01:10,929 --> 00:01:12,246
(tires screeching)
13
00:01:15,482 --> 00:01:16,733
(horn honking, Grampa shouts)
14
00:01:20,437 --> 00:01:21,625
D'oh!
15
00:01:21,704 --> 00:01:22,871
(tires screeching)
16
00:01:23,099 --> 00:01:24,455
(grunts)
17
00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:26,074
(bluesy jazz music playing)
18
00:01:26,109 --> 00:01:28,076
(sirens wailing in distance)
19
00:01:28,094 --> 00:01:29,962
(sign buzzing)
20
00:01:29,987 --> 00:01:30,831
(clicking)
21
00:01:30,849 --> 00:01:31,865
Hmm?
22
00:01:31,893 --> 00:01:33,727
(clicking)
23
00:01:38,387 --> 00:01:40,055
(scratching)
24
00:01:40,089 --> 00:01:41,564
(footsteps approaching)
25
00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:43,396
You little!
(gun cocks)
26
00:01:44,815 --> 00:01:46,147
(saxophone playing the blues)
27
00:01:46,182 --> 00:01:47,816
(gasps)
28
00:01:47,864 --> 00:01:50,499
(playing the blues)
29
00:01:50,538 --> 00:01:51,688
(shotgun cocks)
30
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:57,384
(all growling)
31
00:02:03,792 --> 00:02:04,958
(sighs)
32
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:06,368
Mm?
(ice clattering)
33
00:02:06,397 --> 00:02:07,375
Hmm?
34
00:02:07,432 --> 00:02:08,887
Mmm.
35
00:02:14,119 --> 00:02:15,953
(all gasp)
36
00:02:23,048 --> 00:02:24,317
(kids chattering)
37
00:02:24,359 --> 00:02:26,007
Everybody out.
38
00:02:28,456 --> 00:02:30,194
Everybody in.
39
00:02:33,007 --> 00:02:35,617
- Bathroom break!
- I spilled my pills!
40
00:02:35,629 --> 00:02:38,031
Music today has no melody!
41
00:02:38,163 --> 00:02:39,163
(tires screech)
42
00:02:39,173 --> 00:02:41,110
Everybody out!
43
00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,533
Children, you can stop
writing letters of support
44
00:02:44,545 --> 00:02:46,639
to our troops;
that was just busywork.
45
00:02:48,993 --> 00:02:51,445
Now, I want to explain
Miss Hoover's absence.
46
00:02:51,473 --> 00:02:54,058
She is suffering from severe...
47
00:02:56,158 --> 00:02:57,932
...depression.
48
00:02:59,457 --> 00:03:00,791
(kids murmuring)
49
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:01,720
Not to worry,
50
00:03:01,751 --> 00:03:03,911
she has been treated
with heavy doses of...
51
00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:06,643
Lorazepam and other drugs
from the...
52
00:03:06,711 --> 00:03:08,979
Benzodiazepine family.
53
00:03:12,187 --> 00:03:13,602
Now, until Miss Hoover returns,
54
00:03:13,608 --> 00:03:16,672
this class will be getting
a permanent substitute.
55
00:03:16,691 --> 00:03:18,259
(excited chattering)
56
00:03:18,293 --> 00:03:20,595
Please let it be
someone smart, motivated,
57
00:03:20,619 --> 00:03:23,749
and who won't just teach us
corporate-sponsored lessons.
58
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,662
Lisa, without
corporate sponsorship,
59
00:03:26,686 --> 00:03:28,236
we wouldn't be able to teach you
the three R's:
60
00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:30,644
reading, refreshment
and Raspberry Buzz Lite.
61
00:03:30,689 --> 00:03:32,156
Get your razz on!
62
00:03:32,190 --> 00:03:33,710
(tires screech outside,
kids murmuring)
63
00:03:36,928 --> 00:03:38,046
Confident,
64
00:03:38,072 --> 00:03:40,407
Vassar sticker on the windshield.
(gasps)
65
00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:41,413
Could it be?
66
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,775
Do I detect enthusiasm?
67
00:03:44,984 --> 00:03:47,286
She's brought her own orrery!
68
00:03:47,341 --> 00:03:49,499
And it's got no Pluto!
69
00:03:49,513 --> 00:03:51,340
How cutting edge.
70
00:03:51,546 --> 00:03:53,299
Please be her, please be her.
71
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,750
Is this
Ms. Hoover's class?
72
00:03:54,885 --> 00:03:55,873
(quietly):
Score!
73
00:03:55,917 --> 00:03:58,162
Meet your new teacher,
Ms. Cantwell.
74
00:03:58,191 --> 00:04:01,122
Do not call her by
the obvious dirty nickname.
75
00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:04,823
Now I must meet with the new
art teacher, Mr. Testacleese.
76
00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:06,478
(snickering)
77
00:04:06,765 --> 00:04:08,253
Lisa Simpson. Hi.
78
00:04:08,273 --> 00:04:10,513
As second grade
student-faculty liaison,
79
00:04:10,531 --> 00:04:12,580
I'd like to welcome you...
Get back in your seat.
80
00:04:12,611 --> 00:04:15,484
If I have any apples that need
polishing, I'll let you know.
81
00:04:15,551 --> 00:04:18,086
I understand there are
homework assignments.
82
00:04:18,118 --> 00:04:19,505
Mm.
83
00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:22,142
Well done, Ralpa.
84
00:04:22,341 --> 00:04:24,322
If I can't remember
the right letter,
85
00:04:24,346 --> 00:04:25,810
I just put an "A."
86
00:04:25,844 --> 00:04:27,333
Well, here's another one.
87
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:31,454
Well, while you're grading
so generously, here's mine.
88
00:04:32,056 --> 00:04:32,737
"B."
89
00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:35,440
- As in, "because I say so."
- (gasps)
90
00:04:38,123 --> 00:04:39,775
(Lisa groaning)
91
00:04:39,832 --> 00:04:43,122
Nothing brings them around
like old cafeteria meatballs.
92
00:04:43,212 --> 00:04:44,546
Meat?!
93
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,188
(Lisa groaning)
94
00:04:47,194 --> 00:04:49,103
I thought you might
be cold, honey,
95
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,262
so I put this
chinchilla coat on you.
96
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:52,287
Fur?!
97
00:04:52,305 --> 00:04:53,786
- (gasps)
- (chuckles)
98
00:04:53,816 --> 00:04:55,515
It's not really chinchilla.
99
00:04:55,544 --> 00:04:57,945
I just thought she
needed more sleep.
100
00:04:58,473 --> 00:04:59,960
(doorbell rings)
101
00:05:00,685 --> 00:05:01,455
Hey, Flanders.
102
00:05:01,473 --> 00:05:03,331
- Can I borrow some sugar?
- Sure.
103
00:05:03,362 --> 00:05:05,510
- Uh, a little cream?
- Goes with the sugar.
104
00:05:05,543 --> 00:05:08,648
Now if you could make with some
bacon and eggs, I'll be on my way.
105
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:09,709
(sighs)
106
00:05:09,752 --> 00:05:12,059
Why don't you come on in
and have breakfast with us?
107
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:13,515
Are your kids gonna be there?
108
00:05:13,528 --> 00:05:14,559
Eh, for a little bit.
109
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:15,665
(sighs)
110
00:05:15,764 --> 00:05:16,734
Okay.
111
00:05:16,779 --> 00:05:18,729
Homer, you know my parents,
Capri and Nedward.
112
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,148
Hey, hey, Homer J.
113
00:05:20,184 --> 00:05:22,552
How many beers did
you kill today?
114
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:23,971
(laughing)
115
00:05:24,008 --> 00:05:25,577
Dad, don't encourage him!
116
00:05:25,653 --> 00:05:28,576
Son, you are
the Mayor of Dullsville.
117
00:05:28,606 --> 00:05:31,208
Now, you know we don't
discuss politics at the table.
118
00:05:31,322 --> 00:05:32,506
Hello, police?
119
00:05:32,534 --> 00:05:35,169
I'd like to report
a buzz-kill in progress.
120
00:05:35,192 --> 00:05:36,559
There's no emergency here.
121
00:05:36,581 --> 00:05:39,084
And please charge us
for the false report.
122
00:05:40,346 --> 00:05:42,122
I'm going out for a power walk.
123
00:05:42,221 --> 00:05:45,375
Whoa, this room just got
a whole lot cooler.
124
00:05:45,438 --> 00:05:46,311
(laughter)
125
00:05:46,323 --> 00:05:47,423
(laughs):
Oh, man.
126
00:05:54,492 --> 00:05:55,749
(both sigh)
127
00:05:55,802 --> 00:05:58,490
Okay, children,
ten minutes of free play.
128
00:05:58,516 --> 00:05:59,215
(kids chattering)
129
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,946
I'm a fun factory.
130
00:06:04,016 --> 00:06:05,636
Lisa, free play.
131
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:06,863
But I am playing.
132
00:06:06,881 --> 00:06:09,303
I'm hop-scotching
from paragraph to paragraph,
133
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:12,006
climbing the monkey bars
of plot and theme.
134
00:06:12,056 --> 00:06:13,200
Ugh, bull-pie.
135
00:06:13,218 --> 00:06:15,526
You're trying to get
ahead of the other children.
136
00:06:15,851 --> 00:06:17,795
That's it, you're losing joeys.
137
00:06:20,693 --> 00:06:22,219
Please keep them together.
138
00:06:22,241 --> 00:06:24,350
If not for me, for the mother.
139
00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:27,237
(gasps)
140
00:06:27,255 --> 00:06:30,849
Is it possible I've met
a teacher who doesn't like me?
141
00:06:31,035 --> 00:06:33,563
The joeys go in feet first.
142
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,831
(chuckles)
(gasps)
143
00:06:34,875 --> 00:06:36,056
Chauncey!
144
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:37,526
(panting)
145
00:06:37,548 --> 00:06:39,892
Six miles, and I'm all smiles.
146
00:06:41,666 --> 00:06:42,954
Whew.
147
00:06:43,354 --> 00:06:44,443
Funyuns?
148
00:06:44,468 --> 00:06:46,034
Little Debbies?
(sitar playing)
149
00:06:46,046 --> 00:06:47,597
That's cross-legged music.
150
00:06:47,706 --> 00:06:49,690
(laughter)
151
00:06:52,657 --> 00:06:54,776
Look at the size of that bird.
152
00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:58,048
I'd go Henry VIII
on those drumsticks.
153
00:06:58,073 --> 00:07:01,529
Homer, I can't believe you're
partaking with my parents.
154
00:07:01,615 --> 00:07:02,756
Yeah, it's medicinal.
155
00:07:02,799 --> 00:07:04,169
We had a pain in our neck.
156
00:07:04,202 --> 00:07:06,153
(laughter)
157
00:07:08,142 --> 00:07:10,143
(laughter continues)
158
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:18,211
(grunts)
159
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,355
I didn't know
you were left-handed.
160
00:07:20,410 --> 00:07:22,060
(groans)
161
00:07:31,439 --> 00:07:34,059
Homer, you'll need to wear this
eye patch for a couple weeks.
162
00:07:34,077 --> 00:07:37,387
And, uh, you may never
see a film in 3-D again.
163
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:38,940
(laughs)
164
00:07:39,285 --> 00:07:43,436
But the storytelling is finally
catching up to the technology.
165
00:07:43,442 --> 00:07:44,927
Ned Flanders.
166
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:47,895
I can't believe
you struck my husband.
167
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,800
Marge, I've been
racked with guilt and pain.
168
00:07:50,917 --> 00:07:53,522
My mustache fell out;
this is a clip-on.
169
00:07:54,081 --> 00:07:55,209
Sorry, Homer.
170
00:07:55,227 --> 00:07:57,070
Now, do you mind
if I pray at your bedside?
171
00:07:57,082 --> 00:07:57,914
No, I don't.
172
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,292
If you pray to Superman.
173
00:08:00,317 --> 00:08:01,067
(chuckles)
174
00:08:01,079 --> 00:08:02,898
Not praying to a character
in a comic book.
175
00:08:02,929 --> 00:08:04,830
What about Christian
Archie comics?
176
00:08:04,856 --> 00:08:06,703
Neither canonical nor comical.
177
00:08:06,722 --> 00:08:08,178
Here, I'll get you started.
178
00:08:08,218 --> 00:08:10,862
Hail Superman, wearing tights,
179
00:08:10,931 --> 00:08:12,632
Clark Kent be thy name,
180
00:08:12,691 --> 00:08:14,824
one nation, under Zod...
181
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,670
- Not praying to Superman.
- Grouch.
182
00:08:16,701 --> 00:08:19,036
Ned, Homie's a little
cranky right now.
183
00:08:19,085 --> 00:08:22,241
More than his eye,
I think you hurt his feelings.
184
00:08:22,693 --> 00:08:24,577
Give him one of your
famous murmurs, Marge.
185
00:08:24,596 --> 00:08:26,193
- My what?
- Your famous murmur.
186
00:08:26,218 --> 00:08:28,313
You know. (murmurs)
187
00:08:28,393 --> 00:08:30,718
I never made
that noise in my life!
188
00:08:30,749 --> 00:08:31,877
(murmurs)
189
00:08:31,927 --> 00:08:33,002
Thanks, Flanders.
190
00:08:33,008 --> 00:08:34,740
Punch my eye,
destroy my marriage.
191
00:08:34,784 --> 00:08:36,923
Now just pull the plug
and let me die!
192
00:08:36,948 --> 00:08:38,361
That's the plug for the light.
193
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,386
(imitating flatline)
194
00:08:41,111 --> 00:08:42,411
(sighs)
195
00:08:47,446 --> 00:08:48,421
(yawns)
196
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:52,236
Neddy, I know you feel guilty
about coldcocking Homer.
197
00:08:52,262 --> 00:08:53,829
Please don't use
that word in bed.
198
00:08:53,871 --> 00:08:54,515
(groans)
199
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,500
You need to get some sleep.
200
00:08:56,874 --> 00:08:57,634
(sighs)
201
00:08:57,646 --> 00:08:59,724
Dare I take another sleep aid?
202
00:09:00,858 --> 00:09:01,632
(sighs)
203
00:09:01,659 --> 00:09:03,660
Better not take a full dose.
204
00:09:06,155 --> 00:09:08,881
Mmm. See you in eight hours.
205
00:09:08,987 --> 00:09:10,054
(snoring)
206
00:09:10,656 --> 00:09:13,753
(groaning)
207
00:09:14,145 --> 00:09:17,164
(gasping)
208
00:09:17,311 --> 00:09:18,728
(screams)
209
00:09:20,932 --> 00:09:22,202
(gate creaks)
210
00:09:22,235 --> 00:09:24,080
Was this always waiting for me,
211
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,487
or was it recently
thrown together?
212
00:09:25,512 --> 00:09:27,046
That's what I want to know.
213
00:09:27,788 --> 00:09:29,787
MALE VOICES:
♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly
214
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,170
♪ Welcome neighborino
215
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,290
♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly
216
00:09:34,302 --> 00:09:36,255
♪ Welcome neighborino
217
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:41,262
Down here, we worship
famous atheist Richard Dawkins,
218
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,783
author of The God Delusion!
219
00:09:43,822 --> 00:09:45,990
(laughs maniacally)
220
00:09:46,355 --> 00:09:49,228
I'm making Catholic saint stew.
221
00:09:49,438 --> 00:09:50,788
(gasping)
222
00:09:56,937 --> 00:09:57,970
(gasps)
223
00:10:03,557 --> 00:10:05,693
No, not Surf 'n Murph.
224
00:10:06,174 --> 00:10:07,340
(screams)
225
00:10:09,607 --> 00:10:12,288
The answer to my woe
must be in here.
226
00:10:12,319 --> 00:10:13,463
♪ Whoo
227
00:10:13,490 --> 00:10:14,371
♪ Let's get it on
228
00:10:14,383 --> 00:10:16,173
Nope, not that.
229
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:18,199
Not to my taste.
230
00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:19,984
Flag that for later.
231
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:21,379
Finally.
232
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:23,882
I know what I must do.
233
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:26,458
(school bell ringing)
234
00:10:26,636 --> 00:10:28,537
(sighs)
235
00:10:28,551 --> 00:10:30,152
- Ms. Cantwell?
- Yes?
236
00:10:30,193 --> 00:10:31,794
Why are you so mean to me?
237
00:10:31,828 --> 00:10:32,862
You really want to know?
238
00:10:32,892 --> 00:10:35,443
More than I want unicorns
to be real.
239
00:10:35,489 --> 00:10:37,479
Well, if you guess,
I'll give you extra credit.
240
00:10:37,498 --> 00:10:39,917
- I remind you of you?
- Now you've got a demerit.
241
00:10:39,935 --> 00:10:41,656
This class
doesn't give demerits.
242
00:10:41,689 --> 00:10:43,645
Now it does,
and you just got another one.
243
00:10:43,663 --> 00:10:44,996
What if I homeschool?
244
00:10:45,013 --> 00:10:47,022
You're bluffing;
I've driven by your home.
245
00:10:47,059 --> 00:10:48,320
(gasps)
246
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:50,870
- Principal Skinner...
- Not now.
247
00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:52,747
I'm dealing with
Mr. Testacleese.
248
00:10:53,421 --> 00:10:55,442
Look, kids can be cruel, Dick.
249
00:10:55,486 --> 00:10:56,514
NELSON:
Ha-ha!
250
00:10:56,533 --> 00:10:58,967
(singsong): We don't know
when we've gone too far!
251
00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:03,012
(growls)
252
00:11:05,258 --> 00:11:08,313
"Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally
are on the Ferris wheel.
253
00:11:08,342 --> 00:11:09,876
"Ann is behind Sally.
254
00:11:09,885 --> 00:11:11,467
Mark is
in front of Bill."
255
00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:12,148
(gasps)
256
00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:14,365
Look who's on the Ferris wheel.
257
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,777
Your precious joeys!
258
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:19,010
(laughs maniacally)
259
00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:24,432
(panting)
260
00:11:24,706 --> 00:11:26,780
Better switch to social studies.
261
00:11:27,134 --> 00:11:30,467
"Eleanor Roosevelt became
Franklin's eyes and ears and..."
262
00:11:30,586 --> 00:11:31,367
(gasps)
263
00:11:31,404 --> 00:11:34,005
Here's the new
deal: you fail!
264
00:11:34,025 --> 00:11:36,042
(cackling)
265
00:11:41,053 --> 00:11:42,091
(groans)
266
00:11:42,097 --> 00:11:42,684
(grunts)
267
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:43,354
Oh!
268
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:46,833
I wish you wouldn't wear sweaters
that the senior ladies knit.
269
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:50,716
Well, putting my arms in sleeves
is about all I got to offer a woman.
270
00:11:50,725 --> 00:11:51,954
(groans):
Oh.
271
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,018
What's the matter, sweetie?
272
00:11:54,058 --> 00:11:56,560
Is a book character
having difficulties?
273
00:11:56,613 --> 00:11:58,280
I have a bully at school.
274
00:11:58,309 --> 00:12:00,538
Oh. Did you tell the teacher?
275
00:12:00,556 --> 00:12:02,657
My bully is my teacher.
276
00:12:02,669 --> 00:12:04,941
A teacher can't be a bully.
277
00:12:04,986 --> 00:12:06,767
Oh, they sure can!
278
00:12:06,804 --> 00:12:10,445
When I was a boy, teachers would
rap my knuckles with a yardstick.
279
00:12:10,462 --> 00:12:14,098
Now you've got
the metric system.
280
00:12:14,194 --> 00:12:15,995
We don't have the metric system.
281
00:12:16,130 --> 00:12:18,274
What? This isn't Sweden?
282
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,034
And I'm not King Olaf?
283
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:23,859
Oh, I got some explaining to do
down at the bank.
284
00:12:26,753 --> 00:12:28,300
CHALMERS:
Skinner!
285
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,625
Why am I here?
286
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:32,195
Did this fat boy injure his eye
in shop class?
287
00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:33,829
That place is a killing field.
288
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:37,944
We're here because our daughter
is being bullied by your teacher.
289
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:40,595
Mrs. Simpson, this school
does not hire bullies.
290
00:12:40,613 --> 00:12:42,488
- That's right. We...
- Quiet, nerd!
291
00:12:42,569 --> 00:12:44,129
Well, she's just a substitute.
292
00:12:44,147 --> 00:12:47,370
Maybe you could transfer
Ms. Cantwell to another school.
293
00:12:47,422 --> 00:12:49,802
Nix. She's already got
two weeks tenure,
294
00:12:49,815 --> 00:12:52,047
so she's impossible to dislodge.
295
00:12:52,087 --> 00:12:53,380
I hate unions.
296
00:12:53,393 --> 00:12:56,639
There's this guy at my plant,
caused three meltdowns,
297
00:12:56,683 --> 00:12:58,234
and he still keeps his job.
298
00:12:58,252 --> 00:12:59,724
Homer, that's you.
299
00:12:59,755 --> 00:13:00,662
Oh, yeah.
300
00:13:00,728 --> 00:13:02,796
(chanting): I say,
"Union," you say, "Power"!
301
00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:03,950
- Union!
- Power.
302
00:13:03,973 --> 00:13:05,241
- Union!
- Power.
303
00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:07,879
(quietly): Marge, you're really
dogging it on the "power."
304
00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:08,974
But don't worry.
305
00:13:08,992 --> 00:13:11,793
Because of the
union, you're safe.
306
00:13:11,837 --> 00:13:14,138
So, just what are you
gonna do for our daughter?
307
00:13:14,178 --> 00:13:16,567
We should talk about what
we're going to promise to do,
308
00:13:16,586 --> 00:13:18,125
not what we'll actually do.
309
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:20,264
We really appreciate that.
310
00:13:20,285 --> 00:13:21,285
(murmurs)
311
00:13:21,794 --> 00:13:23,094
(bird squawks)
312
00:13:24,417 --> 00:13:25,518
Look at those eyes.
313
00:13:25,537 --> 00:13:28,252
There's an employee with a
healthy case of the go-get-'ems.
314
00:13:28,259 --> 00:13:29,626
(snoring)
315
00:13:29,825 --> 00:13:32,676
Hear that lion's roar
of determination.
316
00:13:33,975 --> 00:13:35,477
Homer, Homer, I
found the answer!
317
00:13:35,508 --> 00:13:36,702
Wha...? Huh?
318
00:13:36,717 --> 00:13:38,585
Flanders.
How did you get in here?
319
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,775
This place is
a highly-sensitive area.
320
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:42,885
Who here wants
to touch radiation?
321
00:13:43,462 --> 00:13:47,132
"Life shall go for life, eye
for an eye, tooth for a tooth."
322
00:13:47,209 --> 00:13:50,184
Hey, I don't go to where you
work and read the Bible to you.
323
00:13:50,201 --> 00:13:52,169
I would embrace
such a glad visit.
324
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:53,431
Just what do you want?
325
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:55,651
I want you to punch
me in the eye.
326
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:56,931
If you do, then we're even,
327
00:13:56,949 --> 00:13:59,537
according to Exodus,
Leviticus and Matthew.
328
00:13:59,556 --> 00:14:01,669
You went and hired
a law firm, eh?
329
00:14:01,687 --> 00:14:02,944
That's pretty aggressive.
330
00:14:02,956 --> 00:14:03,494
(sighs)
331
00:14:03,519 --> 00:14:05,347
Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper!
332
00:14:05,373 --> 00:14:06,974
Come on, man.
What's the catch?
333
00:14:06,987 --> 00:14:10,678
Homer, just call me a little bubble,
'cause I'm on the level.
334
00:14:10,757 --> 00:14:11,724
Punch me.
335
00:14:12,414 --> 00:14:14,058
Hmm.
336
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,429
Come on, Homer.
I'm insisting on a fisting.
337
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,067
What's this about a fisting?
338
00:14:23,201 --> 00:14:24,830
I'm not punching you, Flanders.
339
00:14:24,929 --> 00:14:26,087
What? Why?
340
00:14:26,105 --> 00:14:28,417
Because if I hit you back,
we'll be even.
341
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:33,115
But if I don't hit you,
that makes me the better man.
342
00:14:33,127 --> 00:14:35,415
And I'm liking the way
that feels.
343
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:36,601
No, you can't.
344
00:14:36,613 --> 00:14:39,207
If I'm not as good as you,
then I'm horrible!
345
00:14:39,231 --> 00:14:41,489
It's not for me
to judge, Ned, because...
346
00:14:41,503 --> 00:14:43,126
I am the better man!
347
00:14:43,163 --> 00:14:45,332
Now, there's no need to...
Better man, coming through!
348
00:14:45,357 --> 00:14:48,429
Way better-better-better!
Way better-better-better!
349
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:49,989
- Zing!
- Enough.
350
00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:52,504
You may be the sweater man,
but Homer is the better man.
351
00:14:52,539 --> 00:14:53,838
Now you're rhyming?!
352
00:14:53,881 --> 00:14:55,257
Oh!
353
00:14:55,346 --> 00:14:57,752
I didn't know
you were left-handed.
354
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:06,687
Hello, Lisa.
355
00:15:06,721 --> 00:15:08,873
I was shocked to hear
from Principal Skinner
356
00:15:08,898 --> 00:15:10,778
that you and I
aren't getting along.
357
00:15:10,891 --> 00:15:12,895
You should never tell
on a bully, Lisa.
358
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,420
Everyone knows that.
359
00:15:16,573 --> 00:15:18,105
Lisa Simpson?!
360
00:15:18,148 --> 00:15:19,197
In detention?
361
00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:21,794
Every rap sheet
has a first line.
362
00:15:21,812 --> 00:15:24,079
What are you in for,
murdering Chopin?
363
00:15:24,098 --> 00:15:25,136
(laughter)
364
00:15:25,154 --> 00:15:26,577
Chopin.
365
00:15:26,895 --> 00:15:28,508
Can I ask you guys something?
366
00:15:28,521 --> 00:15:30,622
Why does someone become a bully?
367
00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:32,266
- Neglect.
- Abuse.
368
00:15:32,303 --> 00:15:33,829
I'm a Cubs fan.
369
00:15:33,884 --> 00:15:36,319
But why would my teacher
be a bully?
370
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,480
- What? Huh?
- I don't know.
371
00:15:37,499 --> 00:15:39,466
Your bully's a teacher?
372
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,560
That means
all of us can be teachers.
373
00:15:42,603 --> 00:15:43,535
Boo-yah!
374
00:15:43,561 --> 00:15:46,081
I'm gonna buy me
a Hyundai Elantra!
375
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,813
- Oh, cool!
- Whoa!
376
00:15:47,849 --> 00:15:49,200
(sighs):
Oh.
377
00:15:52,324 --> 00:15:53,255
Do not cross.
378
00:15:53,292 --> 00:15:56,339
It is that monster that
terrorizes the jolly fat man!
379
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,585
Come on, people.
You're safe as Sunday with me.
380
00:15:58,628 --> 00:16:00,460
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
381
00:16:01,054 --> 00:16:03,489
(coughing, gagging)
382
00:16:03,535 --> 00:16:05,193
I saw the whole thing!
383
00:16:05,217 --> 00:16:08,578
That innocent fly
flew from that fresh pile
384
00:16:08,590 --> 00:16:11,859
of dog feces right into
that monster's mouth!
385
00:16:11,898 --> 00:16:13,070
(spits)
386
00:16:13,121 --> 00:16:14,354
Fear not, people.
387
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,912
I will lead you safely across.
388
00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:18,259
(horn honking)
389
00:16:18,295 --> 00:16:19,012
MAN:
Idiot!
390
00:16:19,024 --> 00:16:20,731
(high-pitched voice):
Help me, Flanders.
391
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,164
(sighs)
392
00:16:23,930 --> 00:16:25,505
Never get into Heaven.
393
00:16:25,524 --> 00:16:27,552
Took harp lessons for nothing.
394
00:16:27,578 --> 00:16:30,023
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
And here comes the tarp.
395
00:16:30,085 --> 00:16:32,862
The word "tarp," of course,
is short for "tarpaulin,"
396
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,228
which Wikipedia defines
as a strong,
397
00:16:35,246 --> 00:16:37,734
resilient,
water-resistant material.
398
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:40,616
That definition is a hit
with no errors!
399
00:16:41,056 --> 00:16:42,498
What's wrong, sweetie?
400
00:16:42,522 --> 00:16:44,225
My teacher's still bullying me.
401
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:45,959
Even after we came to school?
402
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:46,778
(sniffles)
403
00:16:46,790 --> 00:16:48,562
That just made it worse.
404
00:16:48,601 --> 00:16:50,990
Oh, every time
I try to fix things,
405
00:16:51,008 --> 00:16:52,940
it just makes things worse.
406
00:16:53,019 --> 00:16:55,077
But I'm gonna fix this.
407
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,047
Uh-huh.
408
00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:59,167
I think I have an idea.
409
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:03,494
Now there's a baby duck
paddling around on the tarp.
410
00:17:03,513 --> 00:17:07,280
You think they move those legs
one at a time or both at once?
411
00:17:07,324 --> 00:17:09,208
ANNOUNCER 2: Oh, I'd go with
one at a time, Vic.
412
00:17:09,263 --> 00:17:11,631
ANNOUNCER: You know, the great
Mel Ott used to raise ducks
413
00:17:11,665 --> 00:17:13,474
in Louisiana
during the off-season.
414
00:17:13,493 --> 00:17:17,441
And when a duck got sick, he would
take it to bed with him till it got well.
415
00:17:17,512 --> 00:17:18,760
Mm-hmm.
416
00:17:18,939 --> 00:17:20,850
(doorbell rings)
417
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,200
Flanders, I've come
to forgive you.
418
00:17:24,223 --> 00:17:26,435
Oh, my prayers
have been answered!
419
00:17:26,465 --> 00:17:28,299
Well, actually, just this one.
420
00:17:28,323 --> 00:17:30,879
Uh, there is one condition.
421
00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:31,742
You want to hit me.
422
00:17:31,754 --> 00:17:35,134
Well, sir, here's a roll of quarters to put
in your fist for extra punching power.
423
00:17:35,153 --> 00:17:37,222
Now, you can shatter
my orbital bone.
424
00:17:37,234 --> 00:17:38,960
That'll knock the
wax off my candle.
425
00:17:38,992 --> 00:17:40,158
Don't want to hit you.
426
00:17:40,177 --> 00:17:41,897
I want your wife.
427
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:43,197
(gasps)
428
00:17:46,592 --> 00:17:50,722
To elaborate,
I want your wife, the teacher,
429
00:17:50,741 --> 00:17:53,105
to help get rid
of Lisa's substitute.
430
00:17:53,182 --> 00:17:55,377
Edna? You know how you said
you could help me
431
00:17:55,390 --> 00:17:57,944
with any desire,
and nothing was forbidden?
432
00:17:58,141 --> 00:18:01,394
Well, sir, I want you
to rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
433
00:18:01,487 --> 00:18:02,432
Ooh.
434
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:05,101
Well, there's only one
way: the nuclear option.
435
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,765
How much plutonium do you want?
436
00:18:06,783 --> 00:18:07,640
Got to warn you,
437
00:18:07,652 --> 00:18:10,535
it might take me
20 minutes to get it.
438
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:17,572
- Ms. Cantwell?
- Yes?
439
00:18:17,621 --> 00:18:20,075
I have a new student
for your class.
440
00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:22,969
(demonic voices singing)
441
00:18:23,447 --> 00:18:24,063
Yo.
442
00:18:24,081 --> 00:18:26,030
Yes, this is a very rare
443
00:18:26,049 --> 00:18:28,015
mid-year two-grade
send-back.
444
00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:30,133
Something's fishy.
Are you dating this boy?
445
00:18:30,163 --> 00:18:31,001
Right.
446
00:18:31,019 --> 00:18:34,274
I can't be around him
'cause he's so delicious.
447
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:35,513
(laughs)
448
00:18:35,609 --> 00:18:39,012
Well, I can't see
what harm one kid could do.
449
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:53,325
When I come out of this,
I'll be a butterfly.
450
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:56,362
(lawnmower whirring)
451
00:18:56,446 --> 00:18:58,480
I just went to the bathroom
for two minutes.
452
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:00,634
I know.
Posted a video online.
453
00:19:00,662 --> 00:19:04,025
Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa,
stupid Lisa.
454
00:19:04,287 --> 00:19:05,312
Okay, you've won.
455
00:19:05,330 --> 00:19:08,908
You've driven me out of this
plum substitute teaching job.
456
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:11,993
Ms. Cantwell,
I can make this stop.
457
00:19:12,012 --> 00:19:14,401
All you have to do is like me.
458
00:19:14,496 --> 00:19:16,230
I... I can't.
459
00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:20,277
Wait, wait.
460
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:21,453
There's no need to leave.
461
00:19:21,459 --> 00:19:23,798
You showed up before the
students; that's all we asked.
462
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,225
You two are the worst-dressed
gay men I've ever met.
463
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:27,438
(tires screeching)
464
00:19:27,678 --> 00:19:29,107
Ms. Cantwell, wait!
465
00:19:29,319 --> 00:19:31,236
I've got to know
before you leave.
466
00:19:31,343 --> 00:19:32,780
Why don't you like me?
467
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:35,184
Lisa, sometimes you just
don't like a person.
468
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:36,934
There's no logical explanation.
469
00:19:36,953 --> 00:19:38,348
It just is.
470
00:19:38,372 --> 00:19:40,473
That is so unsatisfying.
471
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:41,476
(sighs)
472
00:19:41,489 --> 00:19:42,357
Here we go.
473
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,596
If you don't get what you want,
you get all pouty.
474
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,664
All you pretty girls
are the same.
475
00:19:46,733 --> 00:19:48,201
You think I'm pretty?
476
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:50,840
Right, like you don't get told
that every day of your life,
477
00:19:50,852 --> 00:19:52,336
with your perfect blonde hair,
478
00:19:52,355 --> 00:19:55,355
that Kewpie doll voice
that drives the boys crazy.
479
00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:57,668
And what eight-year-old
wears pearls?
480
00:19:57,709 --> 00:20:00,921
Bookworms like me can't
stand party girls like you.
481
00:20:00,946 --> 00:20:03,952
She hates me
because I'm pretty!
482
00:20:03,964 --> 00:20:05,744
(whoops)
483
00:20:05,768 --> 00:20:08,003
Not so pretty now, are you?
484
00:20:08,259 --> 00:20:10,194
Can you sign my yearbook?
485
00:20:11,103 --> 00:20:13,733
I'm glad the only beef
between us is this burger.
486
00:20:13,758 --> 00:20:15,986
Mm, they sure are
getting along.
487
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,034
(laughs)
488
00:20:17,058 --> 00:20:20,374
They don't know it,
but I slipped a little (whistles)
489
00:20:20,392 --> 00:20:23,106
into the brownies I gave them.
490
00:20:23,939 --> 00:20:26,287
How long has it been since
we prayed together, neighbor?
491
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,750
This is praying?
492
00:20:27,774 --> 00:20:29,542
Let me out of here!
(whimpering)
493
00:20:30,706 --> 00:20:33,980
(whimpering)
494
00:20:34,055 --> 00:20:35,686
Help me, God.
495
00:20:35,787 --> 00:20:40,787
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
496
00:21:19,192 --> 00:21:20,234
Shh!