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It seems today that all you see
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Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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On which we used to rely?
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Lucky there's a family guy
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Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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All the things that make us
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Laugh and cry
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He's a family guy
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Hey, Chris, what do you got there?
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- I made a birdhouse at school today.
- Oh.
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Looks an awful lot like
the Governor's mansion from Benson.
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It is. I'm fond of the series, and I wanted
the local birds to be aware of that.
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- Well, I'll be on the lookout for Great Tits.
- Peter!
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Well, actually, Lois,
that's a species of bird
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that's known to frequent
domestic birdhouses.
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It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse.
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Hey, Lois, let's go outside
and see if we can find some Great Tits.
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'Cause there certainly ain't any in here!
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Remember those two we saw last night?
One was bigger than the other.
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Yeah, and the bigger one had
a hair sticking out of that pointy thing.
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What do you call that pointy thing, again?
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- The beak?
- Okay.
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Come on, Dad!
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Maybe we can get the birds
to act out the Benson
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where a scheduling snafu
forces the governor
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to decide between meeting the President
or going to Katie's school play!
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Scatterbrain governor.
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Well, there she is. A birdhouse.
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I just hope whoever moves in
doesn't mind the Persian birds next door.
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Eh! Tweet, tweet.
Check out my expensive fountain.
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Dad, look.
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You built a great birdhouse, son.
I'm real proud of you.
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Thanks, Dad.
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No!
What just happened? What was that thing?
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I don't know. Some kind of super bird.
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Or maybe an average bird
who bought a Bowflex.
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Well, that super bird ruined everything!
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Indeed, a force to be reckoned with,
like Secretary of Energy, Steven Chu.
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Secretary Chu, Ways & Means
has sent over a preliminary budget.
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It looks like the Department of Energy
is looking at a 4% budget cut.
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- Okay, no budget cut.
- No budget cut.
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Has anyone seen your father?
It's almost 6:00.
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I am here.
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Family,
I want you to meet my falcon, Xerxes.
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I'm a falconer now.
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And yet, for Christmas,
I got a wrapped scrambled egg.
48
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Peter, that falcon looks pretty dangerous.
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Yeah, Peter, get rid of that thing right now
and eat your dinner.
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No! lam a falconer
and I will eat whatever Xerxes brings me.
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Feed master.
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Peter, what the hell?
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For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant.
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"I'll not meddle with it, Xerxes.
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"A man cannot steal, but it accuseth him
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"A man cannot swear, but it checks him
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"A man cannot lie with his neighbor's..."
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Hey, Peter, what you got there?
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Jesus, Quagmire, I'm trying to do
something fancy with my falcon.
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Oh, falcon. Cool. Hi, falcon.
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Whoa! Whoa! Easy there, fella.
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Xerxes. His name is Xerxes.
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- Uh, what does Xerxes eat?
- Rodents.
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- Now if you'll excuse me...
- What the hell?
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Peter, make him stop!
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Hey, what do you got going on down there,
Quagmire?
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- You got a rodent situation?
- No!
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Well, Xerxes seems to think there is.
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- Get him off, Peter!
- Admit you got a rodent in there.
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00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:27,817
- Peter!
- Admit it!
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Oh, you scared him out the front.
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Tony, come back!
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Oh.
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What... What...
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What do I do? What do I do?
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Well, just hope he's not
standing on your soft spot.
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Well, is that possible?
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Because that could really mess up my...
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{MUMBLING GIBBERISH}
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- Mom, I need money for lunch.
- Oh, God. I'm sorry, Chris.
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My purse has been missing for a day now.
I can't find it anywhere.
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Not to worry, Lois. Xerxes will find it.
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Xerxes, find Lois's purse.
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This is your purse now.
85
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:11,794
Peter, I can't carry my money in this.
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Yeah, her money.
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You're gonna love the park, Xerxes.
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I think you know what I want.
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This is awesome.
We should have our own TV show.
90
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,379
So what do you think about
a platonic shower?
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00:05:07,173 --> 00:05:09,244
- Are you Peter Griffin?
- Yes, sir, I am.
92
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I represent the man whose
sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday.
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You've piqued my interest. Go on.
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00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,520
Unfortunately for you,
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that man is very, very Jewish
and is suing you for everything you've got,
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including the falcon.
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No! Not Xerxes!
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You won't get away with this.
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Wait till American Airlines' magazine
hears about this!
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Hello. American Airlines' magazine?
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Have I got a scoop for you.
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00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,010
"Falcon stolen."
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00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,084
Ew! There's a toenail in this.
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00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,743
Guess I'll just go back to coughing.
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Now what are we gonna do?
We have no money.
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Oh, that's okay, Lois.
We got a wonderful family.
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No, we don't.
There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.
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Damn it, Peter.
I'm probably gonna have to get a job.
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Oh, thank God.
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Thought I was gonna have to go back to
being on Live! With Kelly and Peter.
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00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,313
So exhausting
having to do that open-mouth smile
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00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:10,608
while the guest does their bit.
113
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We're here with
The Good Wife's Christine Baranski.
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00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,787
So, Christine, you've actually
won an Emmy, is that right?
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Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill.
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Ah!
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But my character on The Good Wife is
such a complete departure from Maryann.
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Ah!
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You've also had quite a stage career.
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- I believe you won a Tony Award.
- Well, actually, I've won two.
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Ah!
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And one more question, darling.
Who are you?
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Excuse me, would you mind
taking a look at my résumé?
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I haven't had an interview in a while,
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and I want to make sure
it's formatted correctly.
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- Looks okay.
- Good. it's not too braggy?
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Hi, I'm sorry,
I couldn't help but overhear you.
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You have an amazing speaking voice.
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My name's Randy.
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Oh, my God! You're the guy on the card!
131
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Yeah. Give me a call.
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I can get you steady work
with a voice like that.
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Really? Wow, thank you!
134
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This is great.
135
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:17,038
Now I won't have to become
a Mary Kay saleswoman.
136
00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:20,640
So, what makes these shampoos different
from the ones at the supermarket?
137
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These shampoos have been in my car.
138
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- Guess what, everybody?
- Oh, my God! Tampons and groceries?
139
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No... Well, yes, but also,
I got discovered today.
140
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I could be one of those
famous voiceover artists
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00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:39,564
you hear on TV or in the movies.
142
00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:42,833
Ugh! Her doing voiceover?
Who wants to hear that?
143
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:44,909
Maybe she could be one of those annoying
voices that goes,
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"Uh, uh, uh. Not that product."
145
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Which of these
leading brands of canned soup
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00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,640
has less than 100 grams of sodium?
147
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Uh, uh, uh.
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Keep going. Not that one.
149
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:56,149
Uh, uh, uh.
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Nat that one either.
151
00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:58,649
Uh, uh, uh.
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Nope, not that one.
153
00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:03,158
Look, this isn't even for me.
It's for my homosexual lover.
154
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Uh, uh, uh.
The Bible's pretty clear about that.
155
00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:13,236
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.
I have an appointment to see Randy.
156
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Lois, I'm so glad you decided to try this.
157
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I can't believe I'm a celebrity now.
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I might hit someone with my car
on the way home just for kicks.
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00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:25,111
Well, I have a feeling
you're gonna be a big star here.
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What am I wearing?
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Nothing at all, sweetheart.
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Wait a minute.
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This isn't voiceover.
This is a phone sex operation.
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I can't do this.
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It pays two grand a week, sweetie.
166
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Oh, my God.
167
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,699
With that type of money, I could buy
pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma.
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00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:48,272
This is a very nice set.
You must be a phone whore.
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You bet your sweet ass I am.
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00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:01,546
All right, Lois, you know the drill.
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00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:05,020
And whatever you do,
do not mention computers or the Internet.
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They cannot know about it.
173
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Oh, dear.
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00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,686
Oh, boy.
175
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,094
Hello?
176
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:16,757
Hi there...
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Sexy.
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I can tell you're good at this.
179
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,136
Listen, I want to double-team you
on the phone with my son.
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Oh.
181
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:30,906
Yeah, the family's kind of falling apart, and
I'm just a dad trying to keep it all together.
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00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:31,981
I see.
183
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:34,745
- Are you into guys in wheelchairs?
- Not really.
184
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,947
Oh, that's too bad,
'cause my son's in a wheelchair.
185
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,253
Hey, Lois.
So, how was your first day of voiceover?
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00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:47,888
It was nothing.
187
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:51,230
Turns out, I'm just doing
very obscure European commercials.
188
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,667
Nothing you'll ever see.
189
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,635
You know, I have got to
get myself back out there.
190
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:57,503
I haven't worked ever since
I said a swear word on the air.
191
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,840
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
192
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,207
All the things that make us
193
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:04,406
Suck my cock, motherfucker!
194
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:12,417
Hi, my name's Classy.
195
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:14,457
What can I do for you, hot stuff?
196
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:17,754
Oh, hi, Classy. You sound very classy.
197
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:21,798
- Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse?
- Uh, I have a purse.
198
00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:23,594
Oh! Oh, baby.
199
00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:27,535
I want you to take the money out
and count it really slowly.
200
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,697
Okay.
201
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,239
One.
202
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,307
Ooh! That's nice.
203
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:32,432
Two.
204
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,408
Oh! Oh, my.
205
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,640
- Three.
- Oh, God! Okay, slow down a bit.
206
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:39,648
I'm sorry,
the next bill I have in here is a ten.
207
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:40,740
Oh!
208
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,616
Oh, I love you! All that and everything.
209
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:47,054
Hi, I'm Classy.
210
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,023
All right, let's get this going,
sweet cheeks.
211
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:51,595
- You got a handkerchief?
- Uh... Yeah.
212
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:54,255
Good, ball that up
and stick it in your mouth.
213
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:55,331
Okay.
214
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:57,401
Now, what else you got there?
You got a stapler?
215
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,491
Uh-huh.
216
00:10:58,591 --> 00:10:59,569
Yeah.
217
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,731
Okay, why don't you go ahead
and stick that in your mouth, too.
218
00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:06,335
- How about a mouse pad?
- Uh-huh.
219
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:09,436
Yeah, go ahead
and roll that up and stuff it in there.
220
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:13,176
Did you get a packet from HR
when you started working there?
221
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,674
Mmm-hmm.
222
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:15,912
Okay, I'll take that as a yes.
223
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:19,285
And I'm pretty certain
you know what I want you to do with it.
224
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:23,484
Okay, you think you can fit
anything else in your mouth?
225
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:24,583
Uh-uh.
226
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,062
All right, so now let's start
filling up some other places.
227
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,908
Peter, I've had a long day at work,
228
00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:41,740
and right now,
sex is the last thing I want to think about.
229
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,438
What the hell, Lois?
You never want to do it no more.
230
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:48,041
What if I told you
I'm holding in a very big dump?
231
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,848
Peter, can't you just
use Sock Lois tonight?
232
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:54,447
No! Sock Lois
doesn't feel authentic to me anymore.
233
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,996
Hey, Joe, how often
do you have sex with Bonnie?
234
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:05,035
Well, my HMO
only pays for the equipment once a year.
235
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:06,102
Why?
236
00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:09,264
Lois barely wants to do it no more.
I'm going crazy here.
237
00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:10,362
Ugh, I hear you.
238
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,774
Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor.
Don't get married.
239
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,540
- I wasn't gonna.
- Good. Don't.
240
00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:19,138
- I wasn't.
- Perfect. Don't.
241
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,684
Joe, you telling me not to
has no effect on me whatsoever.
242
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:24,618
- I'm not gonna get married.
- Great. Don't.
243
00:12:24,710 --> 00:12:27,281
I mean it, you guys,
this no-sex thing doesn't work.
244
00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:28,619
I need some kind of outlet.
245
00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:30,557
You know, Peter,
I got just the thing for you.
246
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:33,960
There's this new phone sex chick
I been calling, and she is amazing.
247
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:36,533
Gee, I don't know.
Isn't that cheating on Lois?
248
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:40,468
No, look, it's over the phone.
It's like they say, "Phonin' ain't bonin'."
249
00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:42,835
Yeah. Well, I guess I could try it.
250
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:43,906
Trust me, Peter.
251
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:46,977
Hey, I was right about telling you
to go see the gynecologist, wasn't I?
252
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:51,040
I'd like to see some vaginae, please.
253
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,481
That's what we're here for. Come on in.
254
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:09,461
Hello there, handsome.
I'm Classy.
255
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:13,162
Um... Hi, Classy, I'm, uh, Peter.
256
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:15,603
Peter Night Shyamalan.
257
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:18,698
They call me that 'cause
I got a big twist at the end of my thing.
258
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,277
Oh, my God.
259
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,141
Um...
260
00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:24,271
Well, hello, Peter.
261
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,646
- What can I do for you?
- Um...
262
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:29,242
- You want to see some pictures that I drew?
- Um...
263
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:30,319
Sure.
264
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:32,013
This is me on an elephant.
265
00:13:32,111 --> 00:13:36,116
Wow. That's beautiful.
Did you draw that all by yourself?
266
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:38,593
Uh-huh. And this is me on the Moon.
267
00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:39,856
I didn't really go there.
268
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:42,728
It was just in my imagination,
so I drawed it.
269
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,302
Wow! You're really talented.
270
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:48,065
You know,
there's something about you, Classy.
271
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,138
Something special.
272
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:51,230
Oh, that's very sweet.
273
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,468
I like your voice.
274
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,670
It makes me want to
hear more of your voice.
275
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,543
- Hey, you want to see a funny comic?
- Sure.
276
00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:12,319
He's scared
'cause his friends got killed in the pie.
277
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:20,768
So, Peter, how was your day?
278
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,066
Ah, it was okay.
279
00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:24,732
Except for that Yokohama beef bowl
I tried for lunch.
280
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,002
Not sitting so well.
281
00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:27,577
Just "okay"?
282
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:30,306
Didn't try anything new today?
283
00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:33,110
- Talk to anyone interesting?
- No, not really.
284
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:35,242
Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me.
285
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:38,322
My stomach feels like that time
I had explosive diarrhea.
286
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,549
Brown house.
287
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:48,998
Hello?
288
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:51,694
Um, hi, Classy. it's Peter.
289
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,133
Oh, hi there.
290
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,102
I love when you talk.
291
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:59,199
Listen, um, I've had such a good time
talking to you these past few times
292
00:14:59,298 --> 00:15:01,574
that I was thinking maybe we could meet.
293
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,443
But you're married! You've got a wife!
294
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:06,607
Yeah, but she's been
giving me the cold shoulder lately.
295
00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:09,311
Besides, anything that comes out,
I can always take home to her.
296
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,285
I don't think
this is a good idea.
297
00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:14,881
I mean, cheating on your wife
is a very serious thing.
298
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,460
You don't understand. I have to meet you.
299
00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:21,361
I know it seems sudden,
but I feel a special connection with you.
300
00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:23,899
Look, you name the place and the time,
and I'll be there.
301
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:27,095
You son of a bitch!
302
00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:29,604
Okay. I'll meet you.
303
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:31,038
Yay! I did it!
304
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:32,700
Thanks, Fairy God Peter!
305
00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:35,836
Peter, the power was within you all along.
306
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,280
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting
Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe
307
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:40,782
down at the Fairy God Clam.
308
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,217
- That sounds like a gay bar.
- It is a gay bar.
309
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,686
That's right, fellas, I'm gonna meet her.
310
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,695
- Meet who?
- Yeah, what are you talking about?
311
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,323
Oh, I thought we were starting
in the middle to save time.
312
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:57,594
The phone sex lady.
313
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,533
I'm gonna meet the phone sex lady
in person.
314
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,866
Whoa! Whoa!
Wait a minute, Peter. I wouldn't do that.
315
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,237
Hang on, Quagmire, that's a bad idea.
316
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,504
You never want to meet
those phone sex women in person.
317
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:09,442
Yeah, I know, that's what I said.
I wouldn't do it.
318
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,071
Good. Don't.
319
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:15,050
Joe, Joe, you realize what you're telling me
not to do, I'm already not doing!
320
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,711
Okay, I know you should never
meet a phone sex operator.
321
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,118
All right? I'm not an idiot.
322
00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:20,986
I would never meet one
of those people, ever.
323
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,559
Good. Don't.
324
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:26,391
Guys, I have to see if she's as special
in person as she is on the phone.
325
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,623
Besides, if I listened to you guys,
326
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,360
I never would've got that job
as a seat filler for fetuses.
327
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:33,494
Okay, let's take a look at your baby,
shall we?
328
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,900
Hi. He'll be right back.
He's in the bathroom.
329
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,809
Thanks for having me, Bonnie.
I just needed someone to talk to.
330
00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:46,814
Sure, Lois. What's on your mind?
331
00:16:46,905 --> 00:16:49,476
Well, it's kind of a long story. You see...
332
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:52,249
Eight fucking hours later...
333
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,982
Oh, my God!
334
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:57,117
So, as far as Peter knows,
he's about to cheat on you?
335
00:16:57,216 --> 00:17:00,254
- Lois, you got to draw the line here.
- I know.
336
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,992
There's a lot of crazy things
I'll let Peter get away with.
337
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:06,092
I even held my tongue
when he went through that anime phase.
338
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,831
Hey, Lois,
me make drive time to super fun Clam
339
00:17:08,927 --> 00:17:11,100
with noble Quagmire
and wheel-monster Joe.
340
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,267
Go force!
341
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:27,757
Peter, what...
342
00:17:27,846 --> 00:17:30,656
Why are you dressed like that?
What did you do to your hair?
343
00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:33,320
- Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City.
- What?
344
00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:36,764
Yeah, those jokers just called and said I
had to go on a last-minute business trip.
345
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:39,335
What jokers? What are you talking about?
346
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:42,304
- The guys down at Corporate Briefcase.
- Oh.
347
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,169
Okay. I see.
348
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:47,301
And in case you're wondering why
I don't have business charts, yes, I do.
349
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,772
All right, I got to say goodbye
to the kids.
350
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,211
Hey, champ.
I want you to have this pocket watch.
351
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:58,584
It still works, even though it's got
a lot of Civil War brains all over it.
352
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:02,787
Meg, I want you to have
this sad-sounding fart.
353
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:09,922
Chris, people are gonna tell you
that you're stupid and that you're no good.
354
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:12,829
Bye, Otis!
355
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:25,509
That son of a bitch.
356
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:33,284
Hello.
357
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:34,550
You're...
358
00:18:34,646 --> 00:18:35,886
You're beautiful.
359
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:39,554
So you got to meet me.
Are we gonna do this or what?
360
00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:42,632
Listen, I... I got to be honest with you.
361
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:45,531
I am not, in fact,
the president of Hot Wheels.
362
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,969
And I also lied about the giant chef's hat.
I do not have one.
363
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,062
Mmm-hmm.
364
00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:51,971
Well, the small lies don't matter.
365
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,304
Let's go.
366
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:56,938
Why am I doing this?
367
00:18:57,035 --> 00:19:01,245
You know, I got the greatest wife in the
world, and we have one beautiful child.
368
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,048
But did you ever feel like
something was missing?
369
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,714
You know, something you had once,
but now it's gone?
370
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,722
You mean like the loyalty
of someone you trusted?
371
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,421
Yes, I know exactly what that feels like.
372
00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:15,931
Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around
when I first called you,
373
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:20,800
but when I heard your voice, I felt like
I found some part of me that was lost.
374
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,270
Doesn't make any sense,
375
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:25,274
but it felt like some force in the universe
wanted us together.
376
00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:28,005
That's kind of nice.
377
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,409
I guess I could understand that.
378
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,504
Now that you're here in front of me,
379
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:35,141
I think you're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.
380
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,631
Eight fucking hours later...
381
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,801
Oh, I got to say, I was fantastic.
382
00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:58,932
You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater?
383
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,669
Lois!
384
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,645
You is the phone lady.
You the phone... You the phone...
385
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:06,238
You is the phone lady... You is the
phone lady... You is the phone lady...
386
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:07,681
You cheated on me!
387
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,219
Lois!
Why the hell were you doing phone sex?
388
00:20:10,309 --> 00:20:13,313
- I was providing for our family.
- You were lying.
389
00:20:13,445 --> 00:20:15,857
I'm starting to think
that whole Chicago City business trip
390
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,052
was just a bunch of baloney!
391
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:18,355
That's not the point!
392
00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:22,398
Well, if you think about it, I wasn't
really cheating 'cause it was with you.
393
00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:24,023
Well, you didn't know that!
394
00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:25,965
Yeah, but you know what?
395
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,095
In some way, I think I did.
396
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:31,538
You know, when I heard your voice
on that phone, I felt something.
397
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,303
It was like an instinct, you know?
398
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,936
Both my heart and my wiener
somehow knew you were my soul mate.
399
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:39,240
Well...
400
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:41,875
I suppose you did fall for me pretty hard.
401
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:45,683
Don't you see, Lois?
I fell in love with you all over again.
402
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:48,690
And, look, now we just had
the best sex in years because of it.
403
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:50,953
I know. it's like our privates
404
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,496
were shaking hands after
a successful business meeting in a swamp.
405
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:58,830
To me it, just proves that
we're truly meant to be together.
406
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,062
Oh...
407
00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:04,038
- I love you, Peter.
- I love you, too, Lois.
408
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:07,008
Mmm...
409
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,779
By the way, you may have to
become a full-on prostitute,
410
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:12,405
'cause our phone bill was $7,000.
411
00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,218
Oh, Peter!
412
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:21,519
I want you to do me so hard
that we have to change churches.
413
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:22,785
Gross!
414
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:27,153
I want to wreck you so bad,
you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.
415
00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:28,754
Oh, my God!
416
00:21:31,189 --> 00:21:33,692
Can I interest you guys
in a two-and-a-quarter way?